Get your bag off the table.
People eat there.
They eat on plates.
Don't give me crap, Maizy.
I'm telling. You said "crap."
- There's nothing wrong with "crap."
- Really? I thought that was a swear.
- You're thinking of "shit."
- Right.
Do you mind?
A sixth-grader chased me with his bike
and I was running.
When I got exhausted and fell down,
he waled me with his shoe.
- Thank your parents for that.
- How come?
It was their brilliant idea
to move here.
They weren't making enough cash
in Indianapolis.
Forget that we were
perfectly happy.
So thank them for getting treated
like shit every day.
- I'm telling on that one.
- Shut your face.
- Your book bag doesn't go on the floor.
- Always have a cow.
- Your nails are digging into my arm!
- Pick it up!
You're just supposed
to open the door for us.
You're not supposed
to kick us around.
I'm an American.
I have rights!
Maizy, did I kick you around?
No, but you said "shit" twice.
But only once for real.
I've got better things to do
than baby-sit you, you little stain.
Like what, hang out with friends
you don't have?
Why don't you just shut up?
Want to make me?
When our mother figure isn't here,
I'm in charge.
- I'm sick of you calling her that.
- Too bad.
You moron!
- Why do we need boys? They're so loud.
- Shut up!
- Shut up yourself!
- We need boys...
so they can grow up, get married
and turn into shadows.
Let the dog out.
Percy!
This is such a wonderful dinner, Mother.
How do you find the time?
Miles.
Maizy, put that down.
- Did you win at hockey yesterday?
- Hockey's been over for two weeks.
I guess you don't want a hockey stick
for your birthday.
You know what?
When Dad goes to New York,
I'm going to take a week off work.
So you can interview
new housekeepers?
- I've had enough of your ugliness.
- Really?
We're all a little tired of the act.
- This is really a good idea.
- Thank you.
- How's the pie?
- Not bad.
Will you be at work in the morning?
I can't avoid it.
You don't seem happy about it.
If you've got to know, I'm not excited
about working for my girlfriend.
There, I said it.
Buck, I love you.
I can't help myself. I want to get
married and have a family with you.
The clock is ticking away.
I would like to hear the pitter-patter
of tiny feet before I die.
I'll get you a mouse
and a piece of sheet metal.
- Lighten up, will you?
- Don't push my buttons.
I'm not pushing your buttons.
I know me.
I know what I like.
I like my friends, my freedom.
I like knowing I can go golfing
anytime I want.
I don't hurt anybody.
I don't see what the problem is.
That is the best formula for loneliness
I ever heard.
- Why are we arguing?
- We're talking.
I said I'd be at work in the morning.
I'll be there.
Okay.
I've got to get this out.
I know I'm harping,
but let me say it.
I'm working on history,
on the past.
You're gonna show up? Swear to God?
In the a.m.? Promise?
Chanice, I'll be honest with you.
If I could think of an excuse
that you would buy, I'd use it.
Hello.
- Oh, God!
- What?
Just a second.
It's your aunt.
What happened?
Your dad had a heart attack.
Who's gonna watch the kids?
Marcie.
She's right across the street.
She's the last person
I'd ask for a favor.
What about the Nevilles?
Would you call them?
I want to leave as soon as we can.
I am so helpless here.
Don't start getting down
on why we moved.
It has nothing to do
with what happened.
Sorry.
This is just a thought.
What about Buck?
I'm sure he'd be glad to help out.
This is not the time
to discuss your brother.
- I don't want him here.
- It's just a suggestion.
He doesn't have kids. He isn't married.
He doesn't even work!
He's a little out there,
but he's responsible and he's family.
Buck is not the kind of guy
I feel comfortable leaving my kids with.
The trashy people he hangs out with.
That woman who sells tires.
The horse racing, the gambling.
Can you see him in this house?
Okay.
Call the Nevilles.
Are we going to Indianapolis?
Daddy and I are.
And we're not?
No, that's not a good idea.
Thanks.
I loved my father very much.
So why did you move away from him?
If my family moved away from me,
I'd have a heart attack too.
I see.
- Who will take care of us?
- Mr. And Mrs. Neville.
- Is that a joke?
- You don't like the Nevilles?
- The dog's a ball sniffer.
- Don't talk like that.
Mr. Neville yelled at Michael because
their dog was sniffing Michael's balls.
- Don't use that word.
- I don't know another word.
We can talk to Mr. Neville
about the dog.
Sorry, honey.
They're in Florida.
You get in bed.
You have to get up for school.
- Who's in Florida?
- Get back in bed.
- What's the other word for balls?
- Get in bed.
Nuts.
What do we do?
I don't think we have much choice.
Can we trust him?
Yeah?
Buck, this is Bob.
Bob? Bob who?
It's your brother.
Bobby!
Hang on a minute.
Just used your Christmas present.
The Clapper.
You little pissant, how you doing?
Geez! Are you drunk?
You know something?
We gotta get together. I haven't been
over your house since you moved in.
I'm sorry about those bushes too.
I had no idea...
that they would catch on fire like that.
You were right. I should never
have put the barbecue that close.
Cindy's father
had a heart attack tonight.
We'd like toget to Indianapolis
as soon as possible.
But we have a problem
with the kids.
We're stuck for somebody to watch them.
If you're not doing anything...
Is this okay with Cindy?
It's got Cindy's approval?
Oh, yeah.
That'd be great. I'd be honored.
I've still got the one bedroom.
I'm going to get a bigger place.
But they can bring their sleeping bags.
We'll have fun.
We'll make tents.
Get some toys and peanut butter.
- We'll have a blast.
- I thought you could come here.
The kids have school.
What am I thinking? Sure.
Tonight or in the morning?
Tonight would be best
if you could do it.
Tonight will be fine.
Don't worry.
I'll pack a few things
and I'm on my way.
Thanks. See you soon.
He can do it.
He was asleep and I woke him up.
At this hour, that's a good sign.
We're all set.
Okay, this, this and this.
Bag, bag, bag.
This will do.
Hello.
Chanice, honey?
I have bad news.
Let me guess.
You are not coming in to work
in the morning.
Just let...
No, but... You don't...
Would you just...
Give me...
Let me get...
You're not... Give me a...
Good-bye.
Boy, I haven't seen those kids
in a while.
Tia's got to be nine.
Nine, maybe ten.
Oh, boy.
And the two new ones.
They're...
Larry and...
Larry and...
Betsy.
Betsy...
Jennifer.
Larry and Jennifer.
Nice kids.
Honey, he's 40 years old.
He knows his way around.
Why don't you finish packing?
I'll watch out for Buck.
What the hell?
Where is everybody?
Bob?
This isn't funny.
Come on. Wake up!
- I'm freezing my ass off out here.
- Oh, shit!
I'm getting mad, Bob.
Buck?
Over here!
Do you know how many big white houses
there are on this street?
What?
- Keep it down.
- What?
- What should I do with my car?
- For crying out loud!
Sorry, Mr. Hatfield.
It's 2:00 a.m.!
How you doing?
Sorry I'm late.
- No. Thanks for coming.
- What happened to the mustache?
- Had to shave it off.
- How's Cindy?
- Not well.
- Her dad?
- Hard to say.
- Those medical terms. An infarction?
I stopped smoking cigarettes.
Isn't that something?
I'm on to cigars.
I'm on a five-year plan.
I eliminated cigarettes,
then I go to cigars, then to pipes...
then to chewing tobacco,
then the nicotine gum.
Good.
Money.
- I'll leave you blank checks.
- No, I've got lots of money.
No, please.
I've got the money.
I'd like to do this.
All right?
Come on, please.
I'll pay you back when we get home.
I won't have any problem cashing...
a second-party
out-of-state paycheck, will I?
I've been so busy,
I haven't been able to do my banking.
- I don't think there'll be a problem.
- Let me leave you the checks.
- Only if it's comfortable for you.
- That'll be easier.
I guess.
Do you have a plunger?
While I'm thinking of these things.
For the morning.
My plumbing is bad.
Of course, yours is good.
I would imagine.
Don't worry about it.
Everything will be fine.
I've been bound up lately.
It's driving me crazy. I've been eating
a lot o fcheese for some reason.
I got a craving for the stuff.
Do you think maybe that's an allergy?
Yeah.
I don't know, I can't get enough cheese.
I feel like a big mouse.
- I don't know.
- Oh, well.
Let's see.
Oh, Miles' birthday.
We'll be back by that time.
Okay, then.
This should do.
I probably won't use them.
Just in case.
- Right.
- Great. Okay.
I know I've forgotten something.
What else?
All right? That looks nice.
Give me your arm.
It should only be a few days.
I promise I'll call you tomorrow.
- You've got all the phone numbers?
- Yeah.
- We're off. Thanks, Buck.
- Take care of yourself.
- We appreciate this.
- Thanks. Thank you.
- Say hi to your dad. Drive safely.
- You can do it.
That's for sure.
Unbreakable.
Shit!
It's 7:02 in the a.m.
You're listening to
W-l-Don't-Have-To-Go-To-Work-Today...
brought to you by
Kobolowski Tires.
For the best in tires,
see Chanice Kobolowski.
Tia!
You remember me?
Uncle Buck.
The Uncle Buck.
Coffee drinker, huh?
- Hungry?
- No.
Sure you are. Everybody loves breakfast.
You gotta have a good breakfast.
Start the day off right.
- So where are the other ones?
- Other ones what?
The other kids.
They have names.
Miles and Maizy.
Are Miles and Maizy up yet?
I woke them, thank you.
There you go.
Are you deaf?
I said I wasn't hungry.
That's one of my specialties.
I'd rather starve.
Does your mom know
you drink coffee?
I'm not doing it to impress you.
I appreciate that.
Is there a reason why
you're giving me a hard time?
Am I giving you a hard time?
Well, I don't know.
- How you doin'?
- Who are you?
I'm your Uncle Buck.
- Do I have an uncle?
- Unfortunately.
Holy smokes!
He's cooking our garbage.
Where's your sister...
Her name is Maizy,
for the second time.
Sorry.
You must be hungry.
Just for you.
Oh, my God!
He put onions in the eggs.
I'm gonna check on Maizy.
I'll fix you cereal when I get back.
- Can I ask you something?
- What?
Is she always this pleasant?
No, she's usually in a bad mood
in the morning.
Do you want knots in your hair?
Cut it out.
- I want Mom to do it.
- Mom's not here.
- She is too.
- No, she's not.
- She and Dad went to Indianapolis.
- They did not.
- Okay, they didn't.
- They did?
Yes. And I'm taking care of you.
But you can't drive.
- Where do you live?
- In the city.
- Do you own a house?
- Apartment. Rent.
- What do you do for a living?
- Lots of things.
- Where's your office?
- I don't have one. I don't need one.
- Where's your wife?
- Don't have one. It's a long story.
- Do you have kids?
- I don't. It's an even longer story.
- Are you my dad's brother?
- What's your record for questions asked?
- Thirty-eight.
- I'm your dad's brother.
You have more nose hair than my dad.
- Nice of you to notice.
- I'm a kid. That's my job.
That is my car.
Tying your shoe?
- What time should I pick you up?
- Don't bother. I'll get a ride.
No, I've got orders.
What time?
Are you really this stupid?
I said I would get a ride.
I always get a ride.
I'll call the school,
find out what time and meet you here.
Go ahead, call the school.
I won't be here.
Stand me up today,
and tomorrow...
I'll drive you to school in my pajamas
and walk you to your first class.
- 4:00 okay?
- I'm stunned I'm related to you.
You get the pole out of your keister,
we'll get along fine.
Did you ever have anyone
embarrass you like this?
No.
- You think she hates me?
- With a passion.
- Is it the hat?
- No.
A lot of people hate this hat.
The sight of it angers people.
I'll tell you a story about that
on the way to school.
Right. Listen, Buck.
For eight years you have been
making plans and breaking plans.
What are you talking about?
Didn't we talk last night about this?
What did we talk about?
Me playing the father!
I'm glad you can do it for your brother.
You sure can't do it for me.
How could I do it for you?
We don't have kids.
What are you talking about?
Buck, I know you think the job
is pointless...
and in some way I'm trying
to manipulate you and control you...
and ruin your life.
I have to fill the position.
It's important to the company and me.
Unless you tell me different,
I'll offer the job to somebody else.
Give me a week to think about it.
I don't know how long I'll be here.
If , during that week...
you see somebody
who will fill the bill...
hire him on a part-time basis
or whatever.
That way I'll make up my mind and
we'll see where we are at that point.
Okay, I have to go now.
Bye-bye, hon.
Eight more. Come on.
Work it.
Get the circulation going.
Step it up.
Isn't peace wonderful?
Mikhail Gorbachev, the most improbable
evil emperor in captivity...
captivates Manhattan...
wows the U.N. By announcing a unilateral
cut in the Soviet military...
smiles and waves with erstwhile
cold warriors Ronald Reagan...
And the stock market has
its best week since July.
Take that, Karl Marx.
Would you like to talk about
a possible lunch trade?
Cover your ears.
Just do it.
Do you know how whipped
an engine has to be to blow that loud?
Call me.
You ever hear of a tune-up?
You ever hear of a ritual killing?
I don't get it.
Gnaw on her face in public
like that again and you'll be one.
- Are you crazy?
- I can be.
- You could've taken his head off.
- But would he notice?
Can we get something straight?
The guy's a predator
and you're his prey.
- Really?
- You bet.
- How do you know?
- When I was his age, I was the guy...
zooming the girls like you.
Pretty face, big chip on your shoulder.
I recommend you stay out
of my personal life.
Do your parents stay out
of your personal lie?
They don't know my personal life.
- Have they met Twiddle Dink?
- His name is Bug.
- First or last?
- First.
What's his last name, Spray?
You should talk, Buck.
No. No.
N-O. Don't look at me like that.
Don't!
That's not fair.
Don't you have a favorite doll
or something?
Why don't we get your doll
and put your dad's pajamas on him?
Your brother!
What about your brother?
How about the dog?
You know the dog.
You can't.
You just can't.
It's a new law.
That's it.
It's in the books.
You don't want to sleep with me.
Can somebody get that, please?
Do I have to do everything
around here?
- Yo.
- Hi, sweetie. How are you?
Fine. I'm earning my keep.
Uncle Buck's got me bustin' my hump.
He says hard work
will put hair on my chest.
At least I'm learning a trade.
That's good.
Grandpa's feeling better.
He sends you
big hugs and kisses.
Tell him to hang in there.
- Can you get Uncle Buck?
- Will do, chickie.
Mom?
- Hi.
- Next time you take off...
why don't you hire a murderer
to watch the house?
This guy's a joke.
Why don't you go your way
and let him go his?
While he systematically
dismantles my life?
Another drawback is
that I'm a big drooler.
You could wake up
thinking you were asleep in a swamp.
- Mom's on the phone.
- Good. I'll be right there.
The guy took off
and left Miles and Maizy alone.
Plus he drinks.
- Did you brush your teeth?
- Yeah. Feel my toothbrush.
I have a friend who works at
the crime lab at the police station.
I could give him your toothbrush
and he could run a test on it to see...
if you actually brushed your teeth
or ran your toothbrush under the faucet.
If that's true, we're going to really
have to start brushing our teeth.
How are you?
- I'm okay. How's everything?
- Good, good.
- You sure?
- Everything is fine here.
- Everything's fine.
- Kids are okay?
The kids are great!
We're having a great time together.
How's your dad?
He's okay.
He's getting better. Thanks.
That's good news.
That's encouraging.
I've got a good feeling about this.
He's gonna be fine.
I got a few questions for you.
You got an interesting set of plates
in the living room.
- Are they old?
- Yeah.
They are.
Where would you find
something like that?
In an antique shop downtown?
In England.
How many times a day
do you feed a dog like that?
How many times a day
do you think he eats?
Four or five.
He eats once a day.
Just once.
What does he like to drink?
Water?
Yes, he drinks water.
I would keep water out.
I've been leaving the toilet seats up.
Yeah.
The blue water's not good for him?
That might account for something.
Nothing.
Just an odd coloration
out on the grass.
Buck...
I want you to know it makes me
feel secure to know you're there.
Thank you very much.
Okay, bye-bye.
Bob?
Cindy?
Open up.
Hello?
I'm getting mad.
All right.
Get ready.
Here I come.
Come on! Do I have
to talk dirty to you?
Open up for daddy.
There we go.
Nice and easy.
Come on, here we go.
Take that!
You don't want the crowbar, do you?
Come on!
Open up!
Come on!
I'm gonna shove my load into you
whether you like it or not.
Come on!
Come on, you son of a bitch,
open up.
- Freeze!
- Who are you?
- Cindy!
- She's in Indianapolis.
- What's she doing in Indianapolis?
- Her father had a heart attack.
Who are you, and how do you know
her father had a heart attack?
I'm her brother-in-law.
Yeah? Who you talking dirty to?
The washing machine.
I don't know how to work it, so I was
kicking it and swearing at it...
which is not
an uncommon thing to do.
And you thought...
- I apologize.
- Okay.
Boy, that's funny.
I live across the street.
- My name is Marcie.
- Buck Russell.
Marcie Dahlgren-Frost.
Dahlgren is my maiden name.
Frost is my married name.
I'm single again,
but I never bothered to lose the Frost.
- I get compliments on the hyphen.
- I'm sure you would.
I came to invite Cindy to lunch...
but since she's not here,
do you have plans?
I've got a lot of things to do
around here.
Rain check?
I'm only gonna be here
a couple days.
Cindy said it would only be
a couple of days?
She didn't specify.
I just assumed.
My father's heart attack,
I was out of town three weeks.
No wonder Cindy didn't call me.
You need a relative
for an imposition of this size.
Waiting for your sex?
Shut up!
Tia?
Why'd you blow all that makeup?
We're just going bowling.
I'm not going bowling.
It's a great sport, and it's impossible
to get pregnant while doing it...
if you catch my drift.
You're disgusting.
I'll die before I go anywhere with you.
- It's going to be fun.
- They have rent-a-shoes.
And rent-a-foot-disease.
We've done the battle of the wills.
The deck's stacked in my favor.
You'll lose again.
Try me.
How'd you like to spend
the next few nights wondering...
if your crazy, out-of-work bum uncle...
will shave your head
while you sleep?
See you in the car.
Come on up.
There you go.
This is a bowling ball.
How you doing?
Never seen you here before.
I know about everybody.
That's why they call me "Pal."
Buy you a beer?
You must be a college student.
Cheerleader probably.
You look firm.
Give it a push.
That's it.
You like all-terrain vehicles?
I've got a brand-new Bronco
right out in the parking lot. Red.
Want to go for a ride?
If the object of the game were
to get the ball as close to the pins...
without knocking any of them over...
you would be champion of the world.
- Really?
- Really.
My throat hurts.
I can't talk.
I've got a cure for that.
You got a game going?
You're not going to get any strikes
sitting there, are you? Move it!
Get out!
Shithead, where the hell you been?
Sit down.
I want you to meet my niece.
Tia, this is Rog.
Rog, Tia.
How are you?
E. Roger Coswell.
Come on, it ain't gonna bite.
Okay. You've got to let
somebody know where you are.
I've been checking car trunks
for your corpse.
I'm sorry. I've been in the suburbs
watching my brother's kids a few days.
They're cuties.
Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say
the goddamnedest things.
Is Chanice here?
I'm flying solo tonight.
I want to let her have it
for not marrying you.
If she'd marry your worthless butt,
I would be able to find you.
I gotta talk business.
I can't find you.
Why don't we step
into my office then?
Excuse us.
Come on, big mouth.
- It was nice meeting you.
- I'll remember it always.
Cute kid.
- Jimmy Bean called.
- Yeah?
He's coming in for the Winter Million
at Burlington Park on Friday.
He says it's a boat race,
very easy money. He owes you and me.
He says to show up an hour before
post time and he'll give us the tip.
Consider this, Buck. With this score,
your whole year's covered.
Maybe I can make it work.
I'll see you Friday night.
Thanks, Rog.
Watch the Sterno, will you?
Watch your fingers.
What's a "Chanice"?
That's someone who's sometimes seen
around a Buck.
Your girlfriend?
A friend.
And, yes, she is a girl.
Are you supposed to marry her?
The subject has come up,
but nothing serious.
Maybe if you got married,
you'd stop being such an asshole.
- Cigar?
- No, thanks.
- Let me know if you change your mind.
- I will.
I'll get it nice and juicy for you.
This is where you separate
the men from the boys.
Easy. Easy.
There you go.
Yeah, I got you now.
Happy birthday!
I hope you're hungry.
You should see the toast.
I couldn't get it through the door.
Announcement here. There's going
to be a delay on the clown.
- What clown?
- Miles' mom hired a clown.
You don't like clowns?
Yeah, about five years ago.
Now they're so boring...
they make me puke.
The vest, the flower.
Screw them. That's all they get.
I'm Pooter the Clown.
Put it there.
Kids will love that.
I didn't order you.
My sister-in-law did.
She's not here.
I'm the uncle.
- Buck Russell's the name.
- I'm sorry I'm late.
I was at this
all-night bachelorette party.
Need any dildo jokes?
I'm the guy!
Did you have a few drinks this morning?
I think you did, didn't you?
Are you Mother Cabrini?
You never touch the stuff?
No, but I wouldn't be drinking
if I was gonna entertain some kids.
I don't have to take any shit from you.
You know who I am?
In the field of local,
live home entertainment, I'm a god!
Get in your mouse
and get out of here.
Let me tell you something,
you lowlife...
lying, four-flushing sack of shit.
Let's go out to the car.
Why?
What do you mean "why"?
Not now.
It's fine.
It's not fine.
Why not?
I don't feel right yet.
You ever going to feel right?
I don't get where we're going.
I told you 25 times.
We're going to pick up Tia.
- She's eating at a cheerleader's house.
- So she says.
Since when do cheerleaders
live in the woods?
I'll take you home.
I don't want to go home.
I'm okay.
Sure?
Trust me.
Shit!
Well, well, well.
They are scraping the bottom of
the barrel for cheerleaders these days.
What are you doing here?
We were going out for ice cream.
Thought you might like to join us.
I said I'd be home at 10:00.
It's not even 9:00.
Who said anything about that? I thought
you'd like to join us for ice cream.
Maybe your "Bug" here can join us.
We can talk about burying the hatchet.
- Do you know what a hatchet is, Bug?
- It's an ax?
Sort of, yeah.
I got one in the car
if you'd like to see it.
- I'll pass.
- Fair enough.
I like to carry it. You never know
when you're going to need it.
A situation may come up.
For example,
someone's been drinking...
and about to drive
a loved one home.
Then I like to know I have it.
Not to kill, no.
Just to maim.
Take a little off the shoulder.
The elbow.
Shave a little meat...
off the old kneecap.
You got both kneecaps?
I like to keep mine razor-sharp.
Sharp enough to shave with them.
I've been known
to circumcise a gnat.
You're not a gnat, are you, Bug?
Wait a minute.
Bug. Gnat.
Is there a similarity there?
Whoa, I think there is.
You understand
what I'm talking about?
I don't think you do.
I'll be right back.
I'm sorry.
I think you'd better split.
I don't want him going berserk
with an ax on me.
He's all talk.
Here it is!
Come on over!
I want to show it to you.
Maybe later.
He's gone in a few days.
Just relax.
I'll get him back.
That's a stupid thing to do
during flu season.
I bet she's getting the tongue.
Just looking.
Next.
Let me go in first.
I'll cover for you.
Give you more time to relax.
All right?
Morning.
I'm Anita Hoargarth.
Buck Melanoma,
Moley Russell's wart.
Not her wart.
I'm the wart.
She's my tumor, my growth,
my pimple.
I'm "Uncle Wart."
Just old Buck "Wart" Russell,
they call me.
Or Melanoma Head.
They'll call me that.
"Melanoma Head's" coming.
I'm sor... Uncle, Maizy Russell's uncle.
I'm her uncle.
Her mother set up
this conference with you.
I'm assistant principal here...
as you've probably noticed
from the indications on the door.
- This door?
- The outer door!
The outer door.
'Cause there's nothing on this one.
That's about enough of that.
Sorry.
I've been an educator
for 31.3 years...
and in that time,
I've seen a lot of bad eggs.
I say "eggs" because
at the elementary level...
we are not dealing
with fully-developed individuals.
I see a bad egg
when I look at your niece.
She is a twiddler, a dreamer...
a silly heart
and she is a jabberbox.
And, frankly...
I don't think she takes a thing...
in her life or her career
as a student seriously.
She's only six.
That is not a valid excuse!
I hear that every day and I dismiss it.
I don't want to know a six-year-old
who isn't a dreamer or a silly heart.
I sure don't want to know one who
takes their student career seriously.
I don't have a college degree.
I don't even have a job.
Does anyone have a special story
to tell about something that happened?
My uncle was microwaving my socks...
and the dog threw up on the couch
for about an hour.
Honest? Why was your uncle
microwaving your socks?
He can't get the goddamn
washing machine to work.
Blasphemer!
I know a good kid when I see one.
Because they're all good kids...
until dried-out, brain-deadskags
like you...
drag them down and convince them
they're no good.
You so much as scowl at my niece
or any other kid in this school...
and I hear about it,
I'm coming looking for you.
Take this quarter.
Go downtown...
and have a rat gnaw that thing
off your face.
Good day to you, madam.
Next.
Ah, yeah!
Hi, Chanice.
This is Terry.
Walt Bern...
Would you get with the program?
Bernstein is his name.
I forgot to give you the number.
Don't get mad.
I hope somebody knows
what they're doing down there.
Chanice? Buck.
I hate these machines.
I'm just calling to say
I miss you.
I know you probably don't believe it,
but it's true.
No, I haven't been drinking.
I've been thinking a lot about you...
and what we've talked about
the past weeks.
I think about you all the time...
and about those two dimples
on your buns.
Dimples.
What did we call them?
The right was Lyndon
and the left was Johnson.
No, that was your boobs.
No, your boobs were Minnie and Mickey.
I remember that because of Disney World.
And Felix is what we called your...
Goddamn kids!
Okay, come on, you,
get in the house.
What are you doing out here
making all this noise?
Get in the house where you belong.
Come on!
- Who let the cat out?
- We don't have a cat.
Come on, get out.
Go on, shoo! Shoo!
Open up.
Hello?
Hi. May I speak to Buck Russell?
This is a friend of his.
Chanice Kobolowski.
I'm sorry, Chanice.
He's not here right now.
- Can you tell me when he'll be back?
- He went out with Marcie.
The lady who lives across the street.
They usually stay out pretty late.
Do you want to leave a message?
No, there's no message.
No message.
Hot!
- Is there a big sexy guy in here?
- Please don't let it be true.
Oh, my God!
What are you doing?
The laundry.
What's it look like?
Washing machine's still broken
so I thought I'd use the microwave.
Nuke them up.
Heats them up pretty good.
It kills the germs
and odors that they cause.
You don't know what you're doing.
You're bored out of your mind.
You need adult supervision.
Excuse me?
- Come on.
- I don't want to dance.
I don't feel like it. I'm not a dancer.
This is ridiculous.
I'm not gonna leave
unless you do.
Okay. One dance. That's it.
I really have to take a nap and...
One dance. That's it.
What's this?
Come on. The dog is watching.
What are you doing?
Is that dirty dancing?
Isn't that where you get the girl
by the neck and dip her?
Remember that?
Dips. Dips.
Am I bleeding?
Will you get off?
My back!
Hello!
I mean it.
This is fun, isn't it?
I guess.
My aerobic workout today.
Heart's beating like a rabbit here.
Hi, Chanice.
Surprise!
- This is...
- Marcie.
Yeah, Marcie.
And she lives across the road.
- She came over to...
- Shut up, Buck.
That's a good idea.
Is this who you were out with
last night?
What? I didn't go out last night.
Honest! Honest!
I'm telling you the truth.
- You son of a bitch!
- Don't say that.
Don't walk away. Chanice!
Come here!
Come here, hon.
Wait!
Wait. Let me explain.
Chanice, I'm warning you.
You're wrecking the driveway.
Come on!
I love you!
What flew up her nose?
You better go home.
Okay, Marcie?
Pick up your records.
The party's over.
So, I'll just go home and wait
for the Federal Express man.
Good night, Uncle Buck.
Good night, sweetheart.
- Uncle Buck?
- Yeah?
- Got a minute?
- I got lots of minutes.
Now everything's okay with my grandpa,
I want to go out tomorrow night.
You can go crazy after I leave.
Until then, I'm not letting you out.
- You can't find any way to be cool?
- You mean easy? No.
- I mean decent!
- You mean blind.
Who are you trying to score points with?
My parents?
How many times have they had you here
since we moved?
Try none, until they went up shit creek
and got stuck.
Get used on your parents' time.
Yeah?
Have a bad day today?
It hurts when someone screws
with your life, doesn't it?
Last call.
There you go.
A little for you,
a little for me.
Boy!
People used to say to me,
"Buck, you are one lucky son of a bitch.
You got it made, Buck."
And I did.
They'd say, "Man, look at you.
You don't have any kids,
any wife.
You don't have a desk,
an office.
You don't have a boss
to worry about."
They were right.
I had it made.
Only thing now is, Perce...
nobody says that anymore.
Oh, boy.
But...
it'll all be better tomorrow.
It always is.
Because tomorrow,
we go to the track...
win some dough,
some serious dough.
Make a lot of money tomorrow, kiddo.
Want a little pretzel
with your beer?
U.B. Went to school
to pick you up.
Tell U.B. When he gets home
that he lost. Okay?
Lost what?
Just tell him. He'll know what it means.
I'll see you guys Sunday.
- What day is today?
- Friday.
- You know what that means.
- Jumbo party.
You can put that on a platter
and serve it up hot.
U.B.'s home.
Tia? Tia!
You guys seen Tia?
She took a breeze.
And she promised me she was going
to look after you guys this evening.
She promised me!
So much for promises.
Does anyone in this house
know how to keep a promise?
I know you two do.
I had somewhere important
to go tonight.
This is how I make my living.
This was very important to me.
My whole year was based on tonight.
It may be peanuts to your dad,
but it's my living.
I have no choice. I don't care
what your parents will say.
- I have to take you with me tonight.
- Where?
To a racetrack.
Here we go.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
- You sure?
- Yep.
This is going to be fun.
Beautiful horses, interesting people.
- And we'll win some serious coin?
- Sometimes.
That's not the real reason
people go there. People go...
because of the beautiful horses...
and colorful jockeys, and...
Bug picked up Tia?
She said she was going to a party.
She said she'd be back Sunday.
Must be a slumber party.
Hop in the back.
Get your belts on.
Let her go to a party all weekend!
She's old enough to know better.
She doesn't listen to anybody anyway.
Damn kids.
Yeah? Kobolowski Tires.
Hi. It's me.
Can't you ever take a hint?
It's not about me.
I got a problem at the house.
I need somebody to watch the kids.
No, I'll tell you what you need.
Your horse fixer's in town
and you need to get to the track.
I ran into Rog.
He told me all about it.
The idiot had the nerve
to ask me for a loan.
What, you can't take children when
you're going to cheat on a horse race?
You got some religion
out there in the 'burbs?
I came close. I had them in the car.
Can we put our personal problems aside?
Tia took off on me. I was supposed
to pick her up after school.
- She wasn 't there.
- She ran away?
I guess. I don't know.
She's 15. She's angry.
She's confused.
And I need to find her.
Can you help me?
I'm really stuck.
All right. I will help you
because there's kids involved.
But as far as you and I
are concerned...
it is over.
However it has to be.
- I'll be there.
- Thank you.
For what it's worth, I'm sorry.
Your car's on fire.
No. It's just a little oil.
I'm looking for a party
somewhere around here.
That's on Totowa Lane.
My niece is there.
- Our son is there.
- Kids!
I don't think you ought to go in there
with that hat on. They'll kill you.
Really? Thanks for the tip.
I'm supposed to come over
and watch you.
Hi. I'm Chanice Kobolowski.
I'm Uncle Buck's friend.
May I see your driver's license?
Yeah.
Sure. Good idea.
Wait. I got it.
See. Look.
- Please take it out.
- Take it out?
You okay?
What's the matter?
Coming through. How you doing?
Having a good time?
Have you seen
a guy named Bug?
I'm Tia Russell's uncle.
You know Tia?
No? She's kind of new.
I'm her uncle.
You haven't seen the Bug
around here, have you?
Nice guy.
Hey, come back here with that!
How you doing?
Anybody seen Bug around here?
Hey, nice music.
Who is that, the Grass Roots?
I'm kidding. I know my music.
Stop it, please.
What the hell is that?
Hey, party time!
Let's get down here!
You seen Bug around here?
You seen Bug?
That's good stuff.
Keep it up.
Nice work.
How you doing?
Excuse me.
Crowded, huh?
I don't want to do this.
Just relax.
Hello, young fellow.
I'm Tia Russell's uncle, Buck Russell.
Have you seen the Bug around?
No? I'm looking for him.
You're Tia Russell's uncle?
Really?
Hey, give me that!
Take my hat, you punk!
- Don't mention it.
- All right, Pop.
You haven't seen a guy named Bug,
have you? Everybody knows Bug. Hip guy.
Let me through, will you?
Your mother know you do that?
This room's taken.
- I want to go.
- No, you don't.
That door opens,
I'm going to kick somebody's ass!
Did you hear me?
You were right.
Everything you said
would happen happened.
I don't want to talk about it.
I just want to get you home.
Is this a trick?
No.
You know what happened?
Yeah.
Are you going to tell my parents
about everything that's been going on?
No.
Thanks.
I've been riding your butt all week
about how you live your life.
I realized maybe somebody
should have been riding mine.
I'm probably the last guy in the world
you'd want to help...
but I really could use your advice
vis-a-vis Chanice.
I've been...
stringing her along
for about eight years now.
Maybe you could figure out
what the hell is wrong with me.
I did such a great job earning
your trust and admiration...
I'm confused why
I can't do the same with Chanice.
You know, there's...
one family charity case...
that loves you very much.
I'm sorry.
Come on.
Nothing to be sorry about.
I'm just kind of glad
I got a chance to know you again.
Did you do anything to Bug?
Oh, my God!
What did you do?
You shithead!
I could have suffocated!
Do you know what I'd like you to do?
You could be doing both of us a favor.
I'd like you to apologize to the lady.
I'm sorry!
Okay, asshole?
I'm sorry!
I don't know if I've told you this,
but I'm an amateur dentist.
Oh, yes, he is.
I'm sorry.
Get him out.
Yeah? It was halfhearted.
We'll let him.
- I'm really sorry.
- I'm sure you are.
- I am.
- Let me get you. There you go.
I didn't mean to hurt anybody.
There you go.
I'm sorry.
- Shall we?
- Yeah.
Yeah? Come on back
and I'll kick your ass, man!
Chicken shit! You're dead!
Shit.
I'm going to sue your balls off, man!
Why don't you come and get me, man?
Come on!
Come on, man. I'm going to sue you
and your whole family!
Okay, pal,
time for a golf lesson.
My dad's a lawyer!
You're history!
A little five wood.
What? What?
What are you doing, man?
You're history. You're wasted. I'm going
to sue you for everything you've got!
You're going to be broke
so come and get me!
You fat sucker!
Yes, sir!
You son of a bitch!
That hurt!
Hey! I'm not sorry, all right?
I ain't sorry for shit!
What do you see in that guy anyway?
I can't for the life of me
figure that one out.
Don't answer. You don't have to.
I appreciate the confession.
Thanks a lot.
But my problems with Buck
go deeper...
than a misunderstanding
with a neighbor lady.
Don't you think he loves you?
If he does, he'd never say it.
What if he did?
Then I would suspect
he needed a new set of tires.
Seriously.
Seriously, you're very sweet
to talk about this.
But you don't understand
the bigger picture.
Buck's a charming man
who wants to remain a boy forever.
At my age, that doesn't make
for a lasting relationship.
I think he'd make
a wonderful husband and father.
- You do?
- Oh, yeah.
My sister and brother adore him.
He really has changed
since he's been here this week.
He really has changed.
He's responsible, caring...
loving...
and enthusiastic.
- Energetic.
- And energetic and decent.
Kind and...
And humble...
and honest and forthright.
Sense of humor.
And he's really got
a great sense of humor.
Did he put you up to this?
No!
No. I've just gathered this
from my own observations.
- It's just the way he is.
- Really?
- Really?
- Oh, yeah!
So unlike him.
Check this out.
Hi, honey.
Is the coffee ready?
A little thirsty.
By the way, I have told you
I loved you...
and it wasn't for tires, sweetheart.
It was for shocks, remember?
Are they sweethearts or what?
This one's smart as a whip.
I'm going to miss them like crazy.
They're beautiful children.
What happened to you?
Recessive gene,
skips every nine generations.
I got it this time.
Tragic.
It isn't so bad, is it?
What?
The house, the family, the kids.
Oh, yeah. It was great.
This is great.
We should have done this
a long time ago, you and I.
They're here.
What are we doing?
Your mother...
and your sister have to...
sort some things out.
So we're going to be very quiet
for them.
So why don't we put a button on it...
and a zipper like that...
and a lock.
I can't talk at all.
I throw the key away.
It's going to be real different.
I promise.
I love you.
Shit!
- Bye.
- Bye, Uncle Buck.
Could I get out the door, please?
- I'm going!
- This is heavy.
Bye, Chanice.
Thanks again, Buck.
Next time you're downtown,
maybe we can go out for a coffee.
We really had a good time.
I know it's ridiculous.
We did leave the house a little messy.
We tried. We're not so good at clean.
- What?
- We're going home. We're not dying.
I'm saying good-bye.
Is that all right? Nice guy!
Tell the neighbors we're sorry about
having that parked in the driveway.
- He's getting a new company car Monday.
- The hell I am!
- It's good for another 100,000 miles.
- Too bad you're not.
That's funny, Chanice. See what
I put up with? And don't drive fast.
I'm not fixing
any more tickets for you.