Man: No.
Hear any good stories lately?
Let me see
if I know any.
Oh, I got a good one,
and this one
really happened,
I swear.
It's another example
of the universe saying,
"Just when you thought
you were safe.
Just when you thought
you had it all under control...
wrong place, wrong time."
No.
No. No!
Just give me a second
to figure out the ending.
URBANIA
Don't you start with me.
Shit.
No, I won't sink
to that level.
Pussies hold,
you got 60 seconds.
Woman: Yum.
My favorite...
mystery meat.
Yeah, isn't it a little...?
Yes, it is.
Hold on.
Atta boy.
Of course I have something
in position.
You're done.
You a broker?
Commodities.
Got any inside skinny?
You wanna talk business?
Talk down to me.
Okay.
What have you
learned so far?
That I can't control
the market.
Just listen to your body;
it's a disciplined investor.
About your kidney...
taxable fund.
One gets over taxed
you got another one
to start all over again.
And then there's
my favorite...
the emerging markets.
Only risk
what you're willing to lose.
Like my daddy said,
"You get some battle scars,
they make great war stories."
Woman: They took his kidney,
left him cold,
wet and bleeding.
Man: Uh huh.
What? It's true.
I love this city.
Someone's always got it
worse than you.
It's true.
Man: Did you hear
any good stories lately?
Woman: You hear so many
horror stories
about what's going
on out there.
What is your story?
Hey.
Fuck you.
Hey, that's what I eat.
Woman: You know,
I heard this story
about this friend
of a friend of mine...
Man: I know this one.
Remember the 50s?
People were fucked
back then doing it
and just as high.
Up the ass in the mouth...
You want some gum?
Why?
Take it.
We got to get the kids
to the country
where they'll be safe.
I have to go up.
Why?
- This happened.
- Uh huh.
What if I finally found
that thing I can't get through?
Wouldn't that suck?
I'm sorry, this is your story.
Go ahead.
All right, I got a good one,
and this one really happened.
Woman: So the vender
reaches in for a hot dog
and pulls out
a boiled rat.
Uh huh.
So I guess he lost his pet
chihuahua or something
and found him
in the cooker.
This shit happens
all the time.
What?
That's my way of keeping
shit from happening to me.
Some bull shit story.
Shut up.
It's true.
Something happen to you?
Don't worry,
I got everything under control.
- This happened.
- Uh huh.
It's true.
You hear so many
horror stories
about what's goin' on
out there.
What, it's just
a story, right?
Don't play games with me.
You think you got it
all figured out.
You don't know
shit about me.
What did you do?
It's weird.
I'm working graveyard now.
I can't sleep.
So I'm always going out
when everyone's coming in.
And today I felt like
I was going back
in time
to you.
Please pick up.
I'm calling like always
before to say that
I'm on my way home.
I really thought
you might be there.
Watch out, they're putting
infected needles in there.
One prick and...
Oh. Not exactly
the change I was looking for.
Hey, I got eight inches
and it's all for you.
- Hey.
- Okay,
if I get to keep it
when we're done.
Much better than, "Hey."
Gotta learn
to protect yourself.
Amen.
Where are you headed?
Oh.
Your life can change
in a second.
I know that.
You're never given anything
you can't handle.
Bull shit.
It's nice to meet you.
Man: I don't go out
to go in.
That drag queen
is dragging me down!
Terry, baby, it's Sam.
Terry!
Terry?
- Oh. Hey.
- Sorry.
Listen, man, I have
never done this before.
I'm just trying
to get home.
I stopped in some
fucking place over there
to get a brewsky...
No, really.
You know, and I got
to take a leak.
I go in there
and I assume the position.
I got my hands full, right?
And some mother fucker
comes in before I even notice.
This mother fucker is making off
with my wallet!
Get in the fucking car.
I'm pissing on the wall
and my shoes and...
Mother fucker.
Yeah, man,
that's what happened.
So, yeah,
I'll tell you what.
Why don't...
here.
Why don't you write
your name address
on this little
piece of paper
and I'll mail you
the 10 bucks back?
You got a pen?
Hello.
Is it you?
Hello?
It's me.
I've called the police.
They don't care.
My boyfriend's
on his way over.
He's never getting there.
What do you want from me?
I want you to know
you're mine.
Neighbor: No.
No! It hurts!
It hurts.
Leave me alone!
Belle, Sgt. Prowell,
60th Precinct.
We've traced the calls.
They're coming from
inside the house.
Get out!
Police, hold it right there.
Freeze.
Man: Goddamnit.
Can you help me out?
I need...
I want to rep...
No, I'm...
You know what?
I'm gonna do this myself.
It hurts.
You standing guard?
Got a date?
If I get lucky.
If you get lucky,
good night for it.
Daylight savings time
ends tonight.
You get one hour twice.
Yeah.
I don't do good in winter
on account I'm so cold blooded,
just like my mother.
My mother,
if she saw me like this
she would just die.
Luckily she's dead.
Stay warm.
Yeah.
My mother...
Ain't you ever hear the one
about the lady a long time ago
who had this baby
and she was parked in this lot?
And she was doing her best,
she had her arms full
with the baby and the bags.
She put the baby
on the car roof,
and she put the bags
in the back, and got in.
And she left the baby
on the roof and forgot about it.
You hear that one?
No.
Well, that was my mother.
Maybe that's why
I'm a little...
you know, in the head.
Oh, I don't know.
It's a good story though.
Have you eaten?
Oh, God, yeah.
I ate a whole bag
of Pepperidge Farm cookies
and some Kellog's lightly
frosted bran flakes,
just an hour ago.
I'm still stuffed.
Here you go.
Take it anyway.
I gotta go.
Buy a bottle of something.
Hey, I'm on the wagon,
fuck.
Don't forget to set
your clock back!
Uh, watch it, dick!
KARMA
How are you doing
this evening?
Something I can get you?
I'm forgetting about you
at least twice a day.
Hey, come on!
Why would I hate you?
I hardly know you!
Here you go.
Looking for someone?
I'm going to wait.
Please.
In the meantime,
can I get you something?
I don't drink anymore.
Seltzer?
Bottle of spring water?
Anything?
- No, thanks.
- Juice?
What's your name?
My name?
Matt.
Matt, nothing, thanks.
Yum, thanks.
- Hey, Molly.
- Matt.
Here.
For taking up space.
You're waiting?
Yeah.
For this um...
this guy.
Something happened and...
You don't
wanna hear this.
It's all right.
No, this isn't
that kind of bar
and from the looks of things
you're not that kind of bartender.
That kind?
Oh.
Probably not.
Probably?
Uh, not.
Listen, I hold no objections
to human needs.
Oh yeah?
We've all been there...
the heart racing,
pulse beating,
penis throbbing.
Oh.
Hey, look, you know,
I don't know you,
you don't know me.
You don't know what my story is.
Too true.
What is your story?
No.
Distract me, Matt.
Take me out of my own head
for two minutes.
Her name was clara.
Early 40s, beautiful.
Lover of jazz
and Bourbon Sours.
Woman: These are what
catherine DeNeuve drinks.
Bourbon Sours.
Read that in an interview.
I was beautiful once.
What are you talking about?
You're still
a beautiful woman.
If ol' catherine were married
to the thing that I'm married to,
and had given birth
to these American monsters,
she wouldn't look
too good either.
She goes on like this.
Those miserable kids...
they cruise the web
for porno sites.
And now
these American kids
can't be a second
without entertainment.
Always.
They have their remote mentality
in their head, you know?
Always looking
for something better.
Like their father, always looking
for something new.
And if you're not attending to
them, they click you off.
My husband
is fucking around on me,
a redundancy
with no cash value.
Don't say that.
Shut up, it's true.
And then she stares at me,
and I mean, stares.
I get an immediate bone,
I must admit.
And then she puts a crisp 50
down on the bar.
For you.
Why? I haven't done anything
to deserve that.
Not yet.
What's your name?
My name, um, Matt.
Matt.
Show me.
- Matt.
- I'm sorry, show you?
Join me a minute in the bathroom
and show me what you have.
No.
I'm sorry, no.
Clearly a woman for whom
"no" was for the right price...
"Yes."
No woman ever wanted
to just use me.
I appreciated that.
So?
Well, it was getting to be
a ridiculous amount of money
for one simple flash.
That's all she wanted
after all.
I went home and pulled
the pud good night.
Jesus.
Anyway, about three months later
I get a certified letter.
I never got
one of those before.
Saying clara and that husband
of hers had gone on a vacation.
She got one of those
airline insurance policies
and named me
as the beneficiary.
Their plane blew up.
That stool
you're sitting on,
is mine.
So believe me,
I hold no objection
to human needs.
Wow.
Wow, now I want to see.
Bye, Matt.
Hey, thanks, guys.
Good night.
Human needs, man.
Yeah, look...
No objections, right?
It's for your help.
Dick.
This guy, he's...
someone you might
remember seeing in here.
What does
he look like?
Well,
he was born
with all the right stuff.
Good looking, huh?
Yeah, but he's fast approaching
the flip side of sexy.
He doesn't
take care of himself.
He's reckless,
for now, though.
Gotcha.
He's got a tattoo.
A big one.
- A snake...
- Wrapped around a heart?
Squeezing.
That's the guy?
Don't worry,
I know about the girl.
Is he hanging
with any guys lately?
No.
Any particular days?
Times?
No. Late.
Okay.
I'll see you later then,
all right?
You sure he's what
you're looking or?
Yeah.
Don't worry,
I got everything under control.
Hey, what do you
want to do?
Do you want to do what,
honey bun?
Come on, little girl.
Hey, it's charlie...
Oh my God!
I was in the neighbor...
Please, oh my God,
she'll catch her death!
It rained on her.
My my my,
look what the cat...
yadda yadda yadda.
- I thought I'd say...
- Hey.
Oh, you're wet.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Come in from the rain.
At last. Hey!
Great.
Yeah.
# He wanted big beehive hair #
# Big beehive hair #
Hey, hey, darling!
Let's get you
out of these things.
Don't worry about me.
Oh, but I do.
I lie awake at night thinking,
"What's become of him?
Is he wet?"
What?
Brett, are you
expecting company?
Oh God!
Yuck!
Hey, charlie, you just
thumbed out a family member.
It's yours.
You preserving it?
Eat me.
Please.
Elderly woman: No, we don't
want... Oh, dear.
Oh my, Vivian.
Poor little Vivian.
We got to get you dry.
We don't want the little girl
to catch pneumonia.
We've got to get you dry.
Oh dear...!
Oh, no. Oh no.
I just heard a sneeze.
Oh my baby had a sneeze.
You'll catch your death.
Oh, we're going
to make you dry.
Did this warm you up?
- Sure.
- Look.
Oh God.
So, what have
you been up to?
What have you
been up to?
Oh, I missed you,
charlie.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
I am.
That's just the old girl
next door's microwave.
- Vivian!
- She's nuts.
So...
So.
Are we all talked out?
I'll tell you what
I've been doing.
I have been having
an intimate relationship
with my VcR.
Renting all these groovy,
early 70's British stuff.
And for some reason
Glenda Jackson is in
every single one of them.
You know who she is?
Of course you don't.
You're movie illiterate.
Yes, I know who
Glenda fucking Jackson is.
Charlie's getting a boner.
Anyway, last night
was "Sunday Bloody Sunday."
Did you ever see it?
Glenda and Peter Finch
are both in love
with Murray Head.
And they both make do
while he flits back and forth.
It is, after all, the 70s.
And Murray being the butt plug
that he is,
doesn't see the problem,
until one day Glenda says,
"I've had this business,
anything is better than nothing.
There are sometimes
when nothing
has to be better
than anything."
How are you doing?
He said, "Biting the bullet."
How Stella Dallas of you.
Do you know who
Stella Dallas is?
Fuck you.
You don't, do you?
You're so butch.
Brett, not all of us
are into drawing tea roses
and collecting
Depression glass.
That I left
to you and chris.
Oh, the portion of our program
where we discuss him.
Oh, that look.
Look.
Cold.
Up.
All right.
Now you're protected.
Listen,
I'm here for you.
Of course you are,
you're not here for you.
This is strictly
a penance visit.
Who'd you kill, charlie?
Well, I am scoring
high tonight.
Still in mourning, huh?
Still seeing...
what's her name, Renee?
I'm not going
to a therapist
who survived Auschwitz.
Okay?
I felt so guilty
talking about my problems.
Forget me,
what you've been through...
Besides, I think I found him.
Who?
The guy who's going to make
everything right.
So you see,
I am recovering.
Great, where'd you meet him?
If I tell you that, you'll think
I'm this cheap thing.
No, I won't, I swear.
In the street.
You whore!
Right out in the open
like that.
- What's his name?
- I didn't ask.
Oh my God.
Yeah, we had this one
fateful encounter.
You're the worst.
Yeah, I wish.
Last week I saw him
coming out of this bar.
And?
- I didn't have the guts.
- Poor charlie.
No, not any more.
Not this time.
I just went back.
And?
He wasn't in...
yet.
So, I...
came here...
in the interim.
No, I wanted to see you.
Thanks.
Thanks.
So...
I think down deep you would be
glad if you saw him.
Good luck, honey.
I only wish
the best for you.
Okay, what's wrong?
I hate this.
I know you do.
No.
You see, I'm blind
in my right eye now.
So boring.
You know what
really makes me pissy?
Grunge, heroin chic
and dying are over.
I so hate being
behind the curve.
Tourism's up.
Are you okay?
Why don't you,
I don't know,
write a column for the magazine?
"The View From My Window,"
"Vintage Videos,"
I don't know.
- I'll let you go now.
- No, no.
I'll stay for a little while.
Let's watch
"Women In Love."
No.
I'm going to lie here and tell
myself stories about you
and the cold night,
looking for your man.
Don't worry.
In my version you'll always
come out on top.
Hearing your voice
on the message
doesn't cut it anymore.
I need you to talk to me.
I finally figured out
what I need to do.
Please pick up.
Look, I'm going to be
a second, okay?
You have to be able
to talk to me.
Just... What?!
I gotta call you back.
Yeah, somebody here
needs an ambulance.
I'm sorry.
Oh God.
That's $5.
Hey, charlie.
Matt.
No sign yet.
Thanks.
Be patient, my friend.
That's my middle name.
God rewards the patient.
I thought he rewarded the meek,
or something.
Both.
That's good.
It will be my night
after all then.
See ya.
No, I've got my heart set.
Are you kidding me?
Did you see that guy?
I don't know if I could
kick him out of my ass.
Oh, he's not.
Go, get out of here.
If your guy comes,
he'll stay a while.
The blindfold,
for, you know,
before you get on the plane.
I start to think he's trying
to sell me into white slavery,
but no, St. Bart's!
I'm think Barry has gotten well.
First day on the beach,
fabulous.
Aw, see?
But then, you know,
we go back to the room,
and the room
when we had been out,
had been
completely ransacked.
Somebody, you know,
like, the help... the natives...
oh, I'm sorry...
but somebody had gone through
and stolen everything.
My clothes, everything.
But the camera, thank God.
And, you know,
all the bathroom junk
like the contact lens stuff,
the toothbrush... is still there.
Okay, so Gary asks me,
"What do we do?"
Well, I will not be moved.
I will not start the rest
of my life with this violation.
Shit happens, the saying goes.
So,
Barry and I just took
the best damn pictures we could.
Look at this one.
I'll be getting lots
of multiples of these.
Night.
- How much is that?
- $40.
- Thank you.
- Oh my God!
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
- Here you go.
- Leave it!
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Wow.
I guess
shit really does happen.
I'm...
Third time's a charm.
Second floor.
Hello?
Television:
But now everything's changed.
- I don't know you anymore.
- Hello?
The accident's turned you
into something else,
someone I don't know.
These arms were made
to hold you.
No, stop.
Tomorrow.
It's from my reel.
I want to make sure
it taped okay.
Soaps suck.
My agent's trying
to get me off it.
You don't give a shit.
That's cool.
What can I do
to impress you?
I'm fine.
You like acting?
Oh, yeah.
You get to be other people...
if you're good.
You get to scream and shout,
let the demons out.
You get noticed,
which makes having demons
almost worthwhile.
I love that I go over,
you go under.
Didn't we just do that?
Move.
You're on my side.
Let's find out
how the other half sleeps.
Scared of waking up
on the wrong side of the bed?
You think you're so brave.
No, I don't.
I just hoped that if I sleep
in your space
you'll be in my dreams.
Want one?
- Thanks, no.
- It'll make you happy.
I don't look happy?
You seem, uh...
you seem a little tense,
mystery man.
How'd you get that?
Bar brawl.
I love scars on a guy.
They make them
look dangerous.
That's why
I picked you up tonight.
So you think I'm dangerous?
I might as well take my chances
and find out.
Something about
those eyes...
and that.
So you like dangerous guys?
I don't know.
It livens things up.
I get bored easily.
For a while,
I went to sex clubs.
I didn't let anyone
touch me,
I'm not some sort of freak,
but uh...
I went to just walk around,
watch people do shit,
get noticed,
get asked to do things.
You wouldn't believe the kind
of shit people are into.
I mean, the things that
they wanted me to do to them,
but that got boring, too.
Yeah, I'm not really into
the whole queer scene.
I don't even know any guys
who are, like, totally gay.
Excuse me?
Well, my friends.
My guy friends are straight.
I consider myself bisexual.
There was this gal
at school.
She was short, she was pretty.
She was a hell of an actress
and we were engaged for a while.
I really like girls,
but...
Well?
You can't help yourself, right?
Your libidinous nature is just
a mask that you fuck everything.
Yeah.
Hey, listen, uh...
- charlie.
- Charlie...
charlie,
if I didn't like you
in my place.
Oh, in your place.
I'm breathing
the very same air.
What more
could a girl wish?
I guess whatever happens
after this will be gravy, right?
Come on, let's fuck.
It's cold.
Okay, okay.
Look, I don't
get fucked, okay?
It's just...
I don't allow it.
Really?
Shit, because that's all I do.
I fuck.
What's so funny?
You're a weird guy, charlie.
Why do you say that?
Ron.
Ron. I'm serious, Ron.
That's why you brought me here,
isn't it?
All right! Okay, okay.
All right.
Maybe this was
a mistake, okay?
This isn't going
to work out.
So...
- Yeah, what?
- Maybe you should just leave.
Maybe you should
just make me, okay?
- What?
- You're the man, right?
You like danger.
- Just go.
- I'm dismissed.
- I didn't pass muster.
- This is my place.
You can say that all night.
Look, I mean it.
Get out of here.
You get the fuck out of here.
I mean it.
Let's go.
So do I.
What the fuck
are you gonna do?
You bring a guy here,
up to your place,
with presumably every intention
on your part
and his, to fuck,
somebody you don't even know,
and here he is.
Maybe he takes offense
at something you said.
Maybe he takes offense
at any number of things.
And sure, you can claim
territorial imperative.
It is your place.
Maybe he just doesn't
give a shit.
What the fuck are you
going to do?
You going to come over here
and call the cops?
See if you get that far.
You want me to fuck you?
Huh, cunt?
You want me to?
I'll give you a scar
you really don't want, asshole.
Faggot!
Chuck.
I did not.
Fuck!
Woman:
No, I made a couple of hints...
Honey, I think
we've got company.
I hope I'm not interrupting.
- Chuck, right?
- Yeah?
How are you doing?
Not bad.
That's good.
You don't remember me,
do you?
Yeah, no...
I'm trying to place the...
chuck's real bad with names
and faces and everything.
- That's too bad.
- But he's so cute and charming,
so we gotta forgive him.
Woman: Chuck, table for two.
Oh, I'll walk you.
- I'm Deedee.
- I'm charlie.
- Nice to meet you, charlie.
- Nice to meet you, Deedee.
Oh no, no no, I got it.
You played baseball against us
in the park, right?
Grey, right?
Right?
Honey, Grey Advertising.
At the park?
Baseball Saturday,
isn't it the best?
You and me and Don and Bob
and all us guys.
Scratching our nuts
inside our jocks,
swinging our hunks of wood,
reaching into the Igloo cooler
and downing some coors,
getting buzzed.
Oh, and then some babes
walk by
and we say things
to get their attention.
God, it's great!
No. No, I'll tell you
how we met each other.
We met on the stairs.
You just came back
from that bicycle race.
Oh, okay.
And you were wearing
those shorts, you know...
skin tight, Nike, with a pink
slash running up the side?
Deedee, you ever see chuck
in those shorts?
Oh dear.
You live in the apartment
above mine.
Yeah, right,
I thought you looked familiar.
Let me buy you both
some drinks.
- No, that's all right.
- Sure!
Don't we have to go
to the show?
Oh, no, we got time, honey.
Great.
Another round, please.
- Same thing?
- Sure.
And some calamari.
Oh God, you guys look
so great together.
Well, we deserve each other.
I mean, good things happen
to people that deserve them.
I am sure it's just a matter
of time for you, charlie,
- you know what I mean?
- No, what do you mean?
You know what I mean,
the right girl.
You're going to find her.
It just might mean having to work
a little bit to find her.
There is this book
I've been reading.
- Please.
- It's about... What?
No, I wanna hear it.
He wants to hear it.
So in this book this guy,
he says, quote,
"There are two ways
to approach life:
As victim,
or as gallant fighter.
You must decide if
you're gonna act or react.
Deal your own cards
or play with a stacked deck.
Because if you don't decide
which way to play,
life always plays with you."
I mean, it's simple,
but it's...
Dopey, honey.
It's a little dopey.
- Dopey?
- No, I think it's...
well, yeah, it sounds dopey,
stupid, whatever.
But look, deep down
there is truth.
Yeah!
Like I had to work
to get you.
We were set up at this party
a couple of weeks ago,
and we really didn't
hit it off at first.
I thought he was
just adorable,
but a little too, "Hey."
I thought
she talked too much.
But the point is
I wanted him,
and I pushed until
I got him.
And here we are.
Honey...
You are so shy!
I just love him.
We are very fortunate.
You hear so many horror stories
about what's going on out there.
I heard this story about
this friend of a friend of mine.
He met this girl
once in a bar
kind of like this one,
like a hangout...
- I know this one.
- No.
Yeah, she steals
his kidney, right?
No, geeze.
Okay, so...
# Happy anniversary #
So anyway, they're talking
and drinking
and things were getting
kind of serious.
And they're drinking
more and more
and things were getting
more and more serious
until they decide to
go off somewhere.
So, they go back
to his place
and they do it.
Except he isn't wearing
anything on his...
I mean, I guess because it's,
he figures she really pretty
and she knows all the same
people he knows,
they're in the same tax bracket,
I don't know.
Anyway, he doesn't wear
anything on his dick.
So they spend
the night together.
And the next day he wakes up
to find she is gone.
He doesn't know who she is,
where she lives,
where she works.
The only thing
that she's left behind
Is this message
on the mirror,
"Welcome to the world of..."
AIDS
...in lipstick.
Pretty creepy, huh?
Not a pleasant story,
not at all.
What is so funny you guys?
It's sick!
Honey, no...
What do you think
is so funny?
Oh, it's the worst.
Damn straight.
All right, some flyboy
fucks a chimpanzee in Zimbabwe
and we're supposed to wear
super elastic bubble plastic
for the rest of our lives.
Honey.
- This really happened, Dee?
- Yeah, that's the best part.
I mean, it's terrible, but...
- They're friends of friends?
- Yeah, why?
Because I heard the same story
like five years ago in Seattle.
It happened to the girl,
not the guy.
Why are you being so negative?
Because it's not your story?
This isn't about me.
We were supposed to be out
celebrating tonight.
You know, a different attitude,
a new leaf.
I just want you to think.
I think.
I think you better shut up.
I'm sorry.
So, chuck,
you don't think
shit like that happens?
Well, yeah, but sure not
to anybody I know.
Why not?
Because... come on.
Right. Right.
Shit like that happens
but not to people like you.
No.
Come on, that's people
who want to be people like you.
Life doesn't
just play with you, right?
People don't just use you.
They don't just take advantage...
A guy like you?
Damn straight.
But you know what?
I have to confess.
I know a story,
and this one really happened.
See, this person,
he suffered a tragedy recently.
His boyfriend...
well, he was no more,
so to speak.
And this person was feeling
mighty depressed about it,
so he was just
lying in bed,
sleepless as usual.
When all of a sudden
he could hear this couple
through the ceiling
just going at it.
You know, cursing
and yelping and moaning.
And he just kept listening.
Eventually, he stopped thinking
about his own misery
and just concentrated
on the sound of them fucking.
So his hand reached down,
and he just thinks about
the guy upstairs,
the guy in
his bicycle shorts.
And the next thing
he knows,
all three of them
are finding God simultaneously.
- What the fuck?
- Ever since then,
he's been looking
for the chance to say thank you.
Thank you for
a memorable evening,
even if you were only there
in spirit.
- Chuck.
- What? What's the matter?
- I fucking knew it!
- It's just a story, right?
Let's get out of here!
No, hey, chuck,
this is on me.
Hey, where do you get off?
Well...
I ought to knock you
on your ass.
- Okay, go ahead.
- He's not worth it.
- What is your problem?
- My problem?
For one, I'm sick and tired
of you people
flaunting your lifestyle choices
in my face all the time.
Oh, so we owe you, right?
You think you got it
all figured out.
You don't know shit
about me.
Fuck this.
Come on, get your ass...
Oh, sure, be mad at me now.
Here you go.
Honey,
we were having
such a good time.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to ruin your...
Well, actually, I did.
We're getting out of here.
Talk to fucking anybody.
That's it,
have some more wine, Dee.
- Hey.
- What the fuck?
Fuck you up!
- Hey, man...
- Not now. Not now.
Woman: Thanks, just the way
I like it.
Can I have a beer?
How are you doing
this evening?
- Something I can get you?
- Yeah.
Hey, man, buddy,
you seem like such a nice guy.
I don't want to bother you,
but I'm over there
at that bar taking a leak
and some guy comes in and...
I'm sorry, this is terrible.
Let me buy you a drink.
Bartender,
let me buy my friend a drink.
You're not gonna believe
what happened to...
- Gary.
- Gary.
Tell him what happened.
I'm over there taking a leak.
Before I know it
some guy comes in,
rams his hand in my pocket...
He's pissing on the floor,
he's pissing on the walls...
I'm sorry, this is your story,
go ahead.
The mother fucker
makes off with my wallet!
That's it.
That's not it.
Come on, Gary. That would be
bad enough, but the thing is,
the same exact thing
happened to Gary last week!
Right? You stopped me on the
street. You were killing time...
Hey, hey! Fuck you.
Oh, okay, fuck me.
Fuck you and fuck you, too,
tough guy!
Fuck you.
Who the fuck
does she think she is?
You fuck with me,
I'm gonna fuck with you.
That's it. I don't care
if it's her fucking mother.
- Then she wants to go...
- Wait.
This is before or after
you set the kitchen on fire?
It was...
I don't actually remember,
but that's not the point.
The point is,
is that I'm not some little
12-year-old, baby arsonist here.
I'm setting the fire
to prove a point.
- Sure.
- The point is, fuck her!
Am I some little nigger
check out boy
bagging her fucking
groceries?
No, I am banging the hell
out of her princess daughter.
I'm practically blood.
Then she calls the cops.
Like they're going
to give a shit.
I was telling these coppers
about her little dolls.
And these cops
are just looking at each other
like, "What the fuck
are we doing here?
Let's get the fuck
out of here."
- Dolls?
- Yeah, she ordered these dolls
from these ads,
or some shit.
And she won't let me
touch them.
You know? Do I got dirty hands,
or something?
Right. Then meanwhile,
in this whole fucking house
there not a place
for me to sit,
because these dolls are taking
up airspace like they're guests.
They're fucking relatives.
What am I?
What the hell am I?
You're the guy whose banging
her princess daughter.
Fucking "A" right!
Which I would think would
entitle me to a place to sit,
other than
the fucking toilet upstairs.
So I just lit a cigarette,
like I'm doing right now,
and I just went like that.
Right on her fucking
kitchen curtains.
Could we get another round?
Sure.
How bad was the fire?
As fires go.
I got the drapes,
I got the window sill,
I scorched a little bit
of linoleum.
But you got
her respect, right?
Fuck her, man.
I got her attention.
It's a lot better
than her respect.
That's good for you.
All right, I gotta grab a table
for my friends, who are late.
It was good
talking to you.
- I'm charlie.
- Dean.
All right, Dean.
Your friend's late?
Yeah, I don't know.
How about you?
Waiting?
Waiting for nothing.
Fucking friends.
Yeah, what?
Nothing, they just,
you know, desert you.
Tell me about it.
You know, they get married.
Pretty soon, they're cruising
the mall with their wives.
- Cigarette?
- Yeah, thank you.
My buddy, last week,
he was the last one to go.
And was I even asked to be
the best fucking man?
I'll tell you one thing,
I'm never getting married.
I mean,
I like booty and all,
but the fucking grief
you got to go through to get it.
Fuck that.
- Stop you're hurting me.
- Jerk!
I like my freedom.
Right, yeah. Freedom.
My problem is,
I have a very restless nature.
I don't even know what I want
in this life anymore.
Yeah. Sure.
I think to myself,
I look around, you know?
I think,
"No, uh uh, bull shit,
that you, them...
any fucking body...
should have what they have
and then me be where I am."
What I deserve,
that's one.
This place
is a fucking morgue, huh?
You wanna do a bone?
Sure.
Hey.
Next on our channel,
we got "At Home With Homos."
Yeah, well...
I guess it's not two and half
kids and a dog, right?
They don't have dogs, man.
They're too big.
You ever hear what they do
with their pets?
No, I hadn't
heard that one.
Now, I'm betting baldy
is the bitch
and the goateed man
is the buck.
What do you think?
All right,
I'll take that bet, Dean.
You got a bitch at home?
Yeah, shit,
charlie's pussy whipped.
You do the knives,
she does the spoons, right?
No, I was spoons.
Have you no shame?
Not since I met you.
I saw you
on the bus today.
Not me.
Everywhere I go in the city,
there you are.
I see you, I talk to you.
What do I say?
There's a whole lot
of "yes."
What?
What would the city look like
if you weren't here?
I'm here.
I'm yours.
And you will always
be mine, right?
See, I can talk
romantic, too.
Don't they know
people are watching?
Yeah, exactly.
Come on, let's go to the corner
and get a bottle of something.
Fucking freaks.
Man, that's how sick
these fuckers are, man.
They'd do anything.
Hey, here you go.
Thanks.
What are you
smiling at?
He's smiling at you.
I guess he likes
the look.
Yeah, they like
what they see.
Yeah, I got the look
these fuckers like.
Let's go over there.
- What?
- Let's go over there.
- Why?
- I want to get closer.
- Why?
- We'll have some fun.
Come on.
I feel like I'm on safari
watching the fucking wildlife.
Why do you think it was
that the Almighty christ
put these fags on earth?
Like, I don't know,
like a giraffe?
What's the fucking point
of a giraffe?
Was it strictly
for our amusement?
I guess now He figures,
"Nah, fuck this.
The joke's over.
Just get rid of these fuckers
once and for all."
Right?
What do you think?
I don't know, you tell me.
Shit.
I'm sure I don't know.
It's like my cousin.
I got this cousin,
he's retarded.
That's not his fault.
He's helpless.
See that there?
He goes through life
not knowing,
but they fucking see.
They ride the train like
everybody else.
They see men
and they see women together.
They have to see.
They see the mothers,
fathers, sisters, husbands.
It's the way the whole world
is supposed to be.
Maybe it's not a choice.
Bull shit.
Bull shit, man.
Are you telling me
that it's not a choice
to have a fucking
dick down your throat?
Bull shit, charlie.
Hey, fucker!
Let me tell you something!
My father died of cancer!
All right, that's a real
fucking disease!
He didn't bite it by putting
some cock in his ass!
Man: We won't mind, baby.
That's why
I fucking hate them.
I'll tell you something,
they enjoy the abuse.
You know that?
They're like the spooks.
I mean it's like...
oh, you done this thing to me.
What am I supposed
to feel, guilt?
Hey, hey!
Fuck you!
Man: Okay, baby,
fuck me, fuck me!
Zoo time. Let's go.
Hey, hey, hey, Dean.
Just relax, all right?
Fuck it.
Come on, let's go outside.
Come on.
Let's walk outside.
Yeah, like when
the moment's...
- Yeah.
...right.
When the moment's right.
Man: Aw, don't go
away mad, baby.
All right?
I'll tell you something,
everybody...
especially this whole
fucking crowd here...
is out to judge you.
I'm sorry about your father.
I don't give a flying fuck
about my father.
He was a mean fucker.
He was a fucker
with a capital fucker.
I don't know.
Jesus H. Christ,
that's a fucking look.
Hey.
- Hey.
- How you doing?
I'm doing great.
Yeah? Okay.
Glad to hear it.
- I'm Don.
- Well, I'm Dean.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Charlie.
So uh...
wanna take a walk?
I don't go nowhere
without my bud.
Oh, you're...
you two are together.
Yeah.
Oh, let's go.
Where?
Oh, can't wait, can you?
Yeah, he needs it
all the time, Donny.
Follow my lead.
Trust me, it's fun.
Dean.
Zoo time.
Hey.
I'm just so thirsty.
Oh, you are, huh?
So?
What are you
gonna do with me?
I can think
of a few things.
You're not going to forget
my buddy, are you?
Hey, charlie,
come on over here
and tell me
what your bud likes.
Don't mind us.
Hey, holy shit, I know you.
You're my high school
biology teacher.
Look at you, Don Wagner,
don't you look scary tonight.
Hey, come on, I'm not going
to tell anyone!
Sorry.
He's a dick.
We're going over
to The Lure if you...
No, thanks.
Oh come on, Don,
come back!
You got a car?
- Yeah, if I can find it.
- Come on.
# You take me back to the place
where I cease to exist #
# To find a kiss #
# Something I missed #
# You burn away my disguise
and galaxies fall #
# Because of this #
# Because of this #
I remember this quilt.
I remember waking up
drooling on this quilt.
It's one of my fonder memories,
actually,
just sleeping together,
with you.
I like it up there.
It gives me peace.
Good.
That's good for you.
How are you liking it here?
It's fine.
It's a nice place.
Very white, like you.
- A vision.
- Charlie...
Hey, I've been good.
I've stayed away.
Welcome Wagon.
This is nice.
It's 4:00 in the morning.
And you're looking
a little gamey.
Did you set
your clock back?
You get an extra hour.
Thanks.
So it's not as late
as you think.
Yes, it is.
It's been
old home week tonight.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I saw one
of our friends tonight.
What?
And this time
he was alone.
- Wake up, Dean.
- Fuck. I'm driving.
Uh uh.
Well I was driving.
Still sick?
Too much cuervo?
You taking me home, right?
- You don't know where I live.
- Don't worry, buddy.
I've got everything
under control.
- I can drive.
- Hear any good stories lately?
I don't feel...
Is that a "no"?
Let me see if I know any.
What?
I've got a good one.
And this one really happened,
I swear.
It's another example
of the universe saying,
"Just when you thought
you were safe,
wrong place, wrong time."
Just give me a second
to figure out the ending.
Where are you going?
I gotta pee.
You ever hear the one about
the guy named, um...?
The guy who hung out in the big
city with his buddies,
lurking around a certain kind
of urban nightlife?
- You know the kind.
- Charlie.
Listen.
One night
this guy was lurking.
And this night
in particular,
he's feeling
kind of blue
because his friends
had all deserted him.
So he's sitting in this bar
and next to him is this fellow,
not part of the urban nightlife,
not one of them.
This one is normal.
Guy has a new found pal.
So they talk and they drink.
The guy's already drunk.
He's been drunk since he was 13.
So he guzzles and guzzles
and he wakes up in a field...
Here's good.
You need fucking
driving lessons, man.
...in a haze of tequila.
Whoa, baby.
...a daze of
white hot headlights.
Oh, shit.
Isn't this great,
just the two of us on the road,
being men together?
And then it
all becomes clear.
What the fuck's going on?
Things suddenly, horrifically,
fall into focus.
I'll show you, Dean.
I'll put it in a way
that you can understand.
Your new found pal
is one of them.
Your new found pal.
- Jesus, man!
- What I'm amazed at, Dean, is...
Look at me.
Nothing.
I know it's been five months,
but shit!
I'm your bud now, what the fuck
are you talking about?
- Don't you? Really?
- No.
Let me clear your head
a bit for you.
What the fuck was I, Dean,
some one nighter to you?
Look, man...
You want me to fuck you?
You want me to fuck you,
you little cunt?
Huh, you want me
to fuck you, cunt?
- Is that what you want?
- No.
Chris...
You like that? Huh?
- Chris...
- Feel good to you?
You trying to scare me?
Is that what you're doing?
Jesus, did some...
something...
something happen to you?
What did you do?
I made him sorry
he ever laid eyes on us.
Jesus! Fuck!
Let me tell you though,
just last week,
I see you on the street,
this cock of the walk...
a black T-shirt,
black boots, black jeans,
and my head
in force of habit turns.
That body, that ass!
I just stood there admiring,
and then it turned,
and it was you.
There's nothing like drooling
over the fucker who...
Fuck.
I thought I missed
my chance,
that I was gonna go
my whole life...
but then I see you tonight.
Just you and me.
Make sure
that cunt's watching.
- Fuckin' destiny.
- Get down. Get down!
Are you cold?
I had to warm you up.
I can get you heated up
in no time, Dean.
Take your
fucking pants down.
- What?
- Take your fucking pants off!
You fucking faggot.
You fuckin' little faggot!
Fuckin' pussy.
You get me fucking drunk.
I expect you to put out!
What kind of
a date is this?
I'm going to cut your heart out,
you know that?
I've been there already, Dean.
Don't worry,
I haven't forgotten you.
You do good work.
Just so you'll always know
you're mine.
- I'm begging you.
- Yeah, that's the spirit.
Get up.
Fuck you.
All right, you little faggot,
you want to see it so bad?
Fine.
Jesus fucking christ,
Dean...
this is exciting to you?
Fuck you!
What do you
want from me?
Get down. Get down!
Huh?
Why don't you lick my tit?
- What?
- Lick my tit, you faggot!
You like that?
Let's try a little lower.
There you go.
Oh, feel it.
See that?
The fucking faggot.
I want you to know
you're mine.
Get down
on your fucking knees.
Get down, Dean!
Open your mouth.
Let me see your tongue.
You want to give this
some head?
Does that feel all nice
in the back of your throat?
Or do you want the real thing,
is that it, Dean?
Is that what you want?
Dean?
Dean?
Dean?
Dean.
Chris.
Stop it!
Stop it!
Chris! No! Stop it!
Oh God.
Total eye for an eye.
It was positively biblical.
This happened?
The fucker was an epileptic,
so I put him out of his misery.
Bull shit.
You barge in here
4:00 in the morning...
3:00.
- With some bull shit story.
I know you.
Not anymore.
I'm an absolute shit.
- Congrats.
- People fuck with me,
I fuck with them.
That's it.
So you're the man now?
I can protect you, chris.
Thanks, but...
Look at me.
People mess with us,
they'll know.
I'd kill for you.
But you didn't, did you?
Did you?
No.
I know you.
- Tell me.
- What?
What did you fucking do?
I had him up...
He didn't remember me,
but I had him.
I was gonna...
Fuck.
I was gonna...
I swear I was
gonna kill him,
or at least
fuck him up really bad.
I don't know.
It was just happening,
you know,
the way that night
happened to us.
Only this time,
we were on top.
And then he had that fit,
the fucker.
And I just thought about you,
and I couldn't...
There's no point in him
at what he did to us.
There was no point in me at what
I was going to do to him.
There's no fucking point.
Hey.
Well...
it's nice to know you've
embraced the healing process.
But first we'll need
a better story.
The beginning, middle, dead.
Everyone will be talking about us.
And you know that it was true.
We'd be the stuff of legend.
Nice try, babe.
It would have made it all
worth while.
Almost.
- I want it to be over.
- It is.
No, I want...
I want it out of our lives.
I want it out of me.
- I want you in me.
- Charlie.
I want you back.
I want you.
I earned you, goddamnit.
Charlie, I love you,
but you don't get
to just erase this.
And you don't get
to win me back.
Why not?
- Shit happens.
- No, fuck that.
I will not let shit
happen to me!
I can't do that.
Oh God, I'm sorry.
Hold on.
Oh God.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Come here.
I've come home
from the wars.
This isn't home.
You're the only home
I know.
Charlie.
This isn't home.
WANTED
LOVER SLAIN
charlie: Chris! No!
Chris!
Help us.
Please help us.
Just hold on, sweetheart.
Hey, what happened?
You okay?
I'm up. I'm up.
Where's your coat?
Did you set your clock back?
Listen,
you take my coat, okay?
Then what will you do?
I'm going to go inside.
Right.
Go ahead, put it on.
I'm Bill.