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Valentine DayZ (2018)
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Have you ever wanted to live forever? Maybe now is your chance. Scientists in Russia say they're very very close to unlocking the mysteries of eternal life. They just have one cabinet, and I quote, Unless something goes wrong during the experiments, unquote. Ugh, oh my, what could possibly go wrong playing around with the mysteries of eternal life? In international news, something wicked this way comes. It's being widely rumored both in Russia and China are calling hundreds of thousands of chickens in an attempt to halt a new variation of the so called bird flu. Now haven't we heard this song and dance before? Of course, we have. But this gossip has whispers of something much more fearful and sinister, happening here. Our multitalented sources are working to confirm the rumors, but where there's smoke, there usually is a fire. And in this case, folks, I'd venture to say it could be a raging inferno. Now excuse me, but we have to take an obscene commercial profit break. Valentine's Day is just around the corner, and you're gonna wanna look your very best. Have you ever wanted your clothes to be a whiter white? Well, of course, you have. Love is in the air, folks. Probation, Dale? I did the best I could. You can't be the savior of the every dog and cat in the city, Max. Besides, the guy's face was swollen up like a pumpkin. He deserved it, Dale. Be that as it may. To my best friend, protector of small children and small creatures, great and small. Hey, what's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? - Aren't you a lawyer? - I'm your lawyer. That's what's gonna make it funny. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night. Oh, that's funny, Dale. I got a million of 'em. That's too bad. You're drooling. And drooling is normal. You're normal, max. You are just a normal guy. Hard to accept, isn't it? Incoming. So are you just gonna stare at me all night or are you gonna step up to the plate like a real man? All step up to the plate. I cant believe that line actually worked. - Hey, I'm Sara. - Max. - Very nice to meet you, max. - Nice meeting you. Can I buy you a cocktail? Yeah, I like that. Bartender. Vampire only sucks blood at night. Hey, what's a lawyer's favorite pour-a-cop reception? - What? - His personality. I got a million of 'em. - So are you coming in? - I'm not sure. - It's been awhile for me. - Oh, Max, it's like riding a bike. You know how to ride a bike, don't you? I was the bicycle king of my block, if that counts? Oh, the whole block? - Oh yeah. - Wow. I'm impressed. I think you should bring that whole bicycle king inside. Will I see you again? Wild horses couldn't drag me away. Has anyone even taken the time to read this? Hello? Anyone? For those of you who do not know, I performed Shakespeare on the stage in London. The bard onstage, in London. "A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse." Mm-hmm. Can you see the tears welling up in my eyes? Can you not? And you must be the professor. Yes, but of course, you are. Excuse my little tirade, but this business can drive a grown man to cry. Are we ready to shoot this? Are you guys ready up there? Okay. All right, quite on the set. Hello, my name is Phil Philbin and thank you for watching this edition of "Monster Mania." Today I have with me my esteemed guest, Dr. Rupert Stuben, frequent lecturer at such stellar institutions as Harvard and MIT. He now works exclusively for the World Health Organization. Welcome. Professor, let me get right to the point. Are the rumors true? Well, we have many new rumors on a daily basis. Which rumors are you talking about specifically? Uh, duh, let's see. China killing chickens. And you may be sinister, bird flu at our door? As I'm sure you are aware, rumors cause, fear and anxiety this many of the population. The young people, the old people, uh, especially, the ill educated. But more importantly, the misplaced rumors. Maybe you're misplaced. I deal In fact, Mr. Philbin. I am here to dampen the phobia. Fact this, professor. Do you really have the tenacity to sit there and deny that China and Russia are calling foul at a furious rate? We do not have proof, but there is a contagion in those countries and the same countries are doing their best - to counter measurality-- - Pitfall, gobbledygook. Let me explain to our average viewer what the good professor just said. China and Russia are killing birds to stop a new, frightening version of the Asian bird flu. That's not fair. It's not just China and Russia. There are other countries where this has spread? Which countries, professor? You know, why oh why would a doctor of your emanant stature appear on my "Monster Mania" show? I-- I'm leaving. Where are the monsters, Doctor? Good luck. What aren't you telling us? And more importantly, why aren't you telling us? Wow. Who woulda thought a big metal box could look so beautiful? Well, I hate to be the bearer bad news, but they wanna meet. - They want more. - More? Really? They don't think their 30 percent is enough. No, no, no, I'm taking my share and I'm going to Mexico, sun, sand, marguerites, and senoritas. - What more could a guy want? You're a smart man. You know they're gonna follow us to Mexico, - don't you? - Oh yeah. That's why you and I will meet them, Dale. While Isaiah takes his share to Mexico? Mm-hmm. - That's not fair, Max. - No, it's not fare, Dale. Oh. On second thought, why don't we all go to Mexico? - Damn right. - Set a meet. Oh, I've got a bad feeling about this, Max. Set a meet, Dale. A really bad feeling. Daddy. Daddy! Daddy! Daddy. Max! I want that one. Would you buy it for me? If it'll make you happy. - You would, wouldn't you? - Mm-hmm. I can buy it myself, you know? Oh, I know. What else would you do for me? Would you save me like in the fairy tales? Would you be my knight in shining armor? I'm no knight in shining armor. - But... - But I would fight for you. I would fight very hard for you. That's the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me. You're a poet, Max. You're a poet and didn't even know it. Let's go sneak aboard. Come on, Max. do something illegal for the first time in your life. - How do you know? - What? That you haven't done anything illegal? Come on. You're uptight, Max. I mean, not in a bad way. I'm just I'm just saying you're uptight. Really, really uptight. Maybe you should get a dog or a cat or something to loosen you up. I did have a dog. She was my best friend. What happened to her? She died. I'm so sorry. That's all right. She lived a good long life. Come aboard. Your vessel awaits. Come on, Max. It can be your ship. You can be the captain. - Come on. - I don't think so. - Come on, Max. - No, I don't think so. - Yes. - Please. My fault the car broke down? How could it be my fault? Next time, bring your own car on a date. Hey, I'm walkin' here. I walkin' here! Although they say it's just a flu-like virus, my sources indicate something else entirely. In just a matter of days, this virus has made the jump to cattle, horses, and an even swine. Millions, yes, you heard correctly, millions of these animals are being slaughtered as I speak. And this is not limited to just Asia and Russia. My sources are indicating this is happening in parts of Europe, South Africa, and South America. Good morning, Professor Z. You are widely recognized as the renowned expert on zombies. I didn't even know there was an expert on zombies. Can you explain to our less educated viewers what a zombie is? I am delighted you asked. Zombies go by various names, the living dead, the undead, the walking dead, soulless corpses. A zombie is a being created through the reanimation of a human corpse. It's also a pretty mean rum drink. Uh, uh, but, I, uh, I digress. Um, have you ever seen a zombie, professor? Oh my, yes. On both of my expeditions through South Africa and the Caribbean. That is why I'm skeptical. I'm hearing this virus is creating variations of what we would call a zombie, cannibalism, mindless attacks, the change of skin and eye color, - and they walk funny. - Mm. Uh, can you give us a demonstration? I would be delighted. Yeah, I don't know about our viewers, but I would not want that coming after me. Ouch. Okay. Thanks you. Thank you, Professor Zee. It has been a delightful pleasure. Well, this I do know. This is no regular virus. People are not getting flu-like symptoms. People are changing. People are transforming. There's talk of herd mentality violence. Violence, unlike anything we have seen before. And those that are not transforming, they are dying. They're dying not in a month, or a week, or even a day days. No, they're dying within minutes of contracting this so-called virus. And the mortality rate is off the charts. We hope to have more information on this fast evolving story on our later broadcasts. Follow me. Max. I like what you've done with the place. - Is he trying to be funny? - I don't know. Are you trying to be funny? Are you trying to be funny? I should staple your eyelids shut. - That would be funny. - You know, we were all surprised when you pulled off your, uh, very first job. Right, first job? Big brass balls is what we should call you. How did you make it so easy? How did he do it? Come on, you can tell us. How'd he do it? Tell us or we'll chop off your balls. Um, remote pepper spray. Pepper spray? Explain. Well, you break into the armored car the previous night and plant the cans under the seats. Ah man, it's gonna happen. It's an armored car. You can activate them by remote up to 500 feet away. All that bright yellow metal, all those rectangular bars... - Oh yeah. - It must've been great to hold those bars in your hands. Power, Max. That is what pure gold is, power. What is it with you that you won't talk? Maybe you can only talk when you're trying to be funny? You work for us now, Max. - I don't think so. - Now he speaks. Mister big brass balls speaks. Make no mistake, Max. We own you. We own you, we own your girlfriend, we own you like a car or a dog. So here's what's gonna happen. Here's your new job. It should be easy for a smart, funny guy like you. Due to time constraints, you need to do the job tonight. And just to make sure you remain loyal, we're keeping your little friend here with us. And if I refuse? We're gonna chop 'em up into tiny little pieces and send him home. And you still have to do the job. Time's wasting, Max. Tick-tock. - Tick-tock. - Clock's ticking. See you tomorrow night, funny Guy. Now you can go. You've got work to do. Grr-ruff! We own you, Max. You're our lapdog. Ruff! Ruff! - And that girlfriend of yours. - Let's just say it'll be a shame if we have to make her a little pet. Ruff! Ruff! Max has a water phobia. A water phobia? Hell, two more days out here and I'll get a sand phobia. That was a good one. Uh, yeah. Uh, oh. You know, you're the only one that can still make me laugh. Oh, that's a hell of a burden on the shoulders of a talking doll. I wanna thank you for just, you know, always being and letting me talk to you and share, and you know, and... Now don't get me crying. ...you know better. Okay, okay, let's, let's-- oh, let's don't get mushy. You know, Max is a good Guy, - but... - But what? Well, he may look like a Guy that works in an office building, but he's got a history, believe me. Oh yeah? Look. I'm shaking all over. History's mystery. Max, you should do wet work for the government. He was really good at it. That's what I hear. Oh yeah? So he was like, uh, an assassin? A killer? A liquidator? A executioner? Yeah, something like that. Well, I'm tattoo, you know? I once kicked a kid in the shins 'cause he kept calling me "Tanochio." I can stand a lot, but that was just too much. Men and sometimes boys do evil deeds. Ain't that the truth. Ah, okay, well, what we learned is, uh, these guys are imported gangsters. They immigrated here to the good ole USA via Chicago. And, uh, they got involved with the Chicago mob and they sent them out here to kind of open up new territory. Max, these guys are ice cold killers. Yeah, so if you're gonna take them on, make sure you don't try bringing a knife to a gun fight. Max, you do still own a gun? No one really needs a gun until he really needs a gun. Hi, Max. I've done things, things I'm not proud of. I know. But when I'm with you, all those memories are wiped clean. What exactly are you trying to say to me, Max? I'm saying I wanna be with you all the time. So then ask me. Max, ask me. Sara... Sara, will you marry me? Yes. Yes. Yes, Max, I will marry you. You have just made me the happiest girl in World. You made the right choice, you know? Oh, I know. I made the right choice, too. I'm just so stunned. I, um... - When can I see you? - A few hours. I'll be ready. Buck up, bucko. It's not your first rodeo. - Hurry, we'll go this way. - No, no I can't go anymore. Come on, all the way. Jess-- Jessica? Jessica! Jessica! Jessica! Jessica! Wow, I never thought I'd see you again. I thought you were out of the game, James. - Who's James? - Ah, I call everybody James. You don't like James? I'll call you Jones. - Makes no never mind to me. - James will do. Ah, let me guess. Somebody's gone and done you wrong, haven't they? Oh yeah, you could say that. And let me guess again. These boys don't know they got a tiger by the tail, do they? Yeah, you probably acted all innocent like, they thought they was playing you, when all the while, you were playing them. Am I right or am I right? Must be all the drugs you're taking. You still funny, man. Yeah, they don't know you got a scorched earth, take no prisoners policy, do they? Maybe that was me in a past life. Hah, you are still funny. Yeah, but I'm not in that reincarnation game. Drugs, you got that right, but no reincarnation for me. I got one life to live, I'm gonna live it well and straight to hell. Well, let's get down to business James. You remember how to use one of these? - Pump, point, shoot. - Mm-hmm. That baby'll hold eight shells, and you probably won't have time to reload spray pattern should be large enough, so poor aim from being rusty and all shouldn't be too much of a hindrance for you. I had a BB gun as a boy. Does that count? Being a boy or having a BB gun? Shoot, James, you forget we have got history. Hell, I know you could probably make a tactical pump out of duct tape and a coat hanger. Ah, but I'll play along with you. Makes no never mind to me. Well, BB gun is all right. But it just leaves a little red welt. Well, now that baby, that'll put a second hole and a rhino's ass. Welcome, if you don't make it out of live, take comfort in knowing that all roads lead to the same destination. - Well, that's real comforting. - Ah, I don't know where all roads meet, man, especially your roads. I was just spoutin' that reincarnation crap 'cause I thought you'd dig it. Jones, I'm getting the feelin' you're losin' your sense of humor. You may be right. - How much? - Well, go ahead, make my night. It's been a long time. I don't have a clue what you charge me. Well, that's music to my ears, Jones, music to my ears. Why Idaho? Why Idaho? Man can live free. Hunt and fish for his own food, plenty of space to roam, plenty of fresh air to breathe and you get four seasons. It's a free man's country. - Does it snow there? - Sure, it snows. I'm not big on snow. Schnow-schmow. Idaho, it's God's country. Look what's happenin' to this world, Max. Look what's happening in this country. I don't think they're just rumors. Things are plum crazy. Just dust. Change your filter, you'll be fine. - I'll visit you. - You do that, I'll cook you the best meal you've ever had, cleanest water you've ever tasted, and the freshest air you've ever breathed. You know, we see the same sun as the Roman gladiators did. That's an amazing thing. It is at that. Well, I'd better mosey on now. Things ain't gettin' any better any quicker. Keep your powder dry, Max. Odds are you're gonna need it. And a dude rides. I know what you're thinking. You're thinkin', did he fire five shots or six? Well, to tell you the truth, even in all this excitement, I clearly counted five. You guys like to bark, don't you? Then bark on this. You don't look so good. They beat me, max. Just for fun, they beat me. They didn't like my jokes. Didn't think they were funny enough. Tough crowd. Yeah, well, not so tough anymore. Where's that big Guy? Dark eyes? He left early and he hasn't come back. You like my jokes, don't you, Max? You laughed at 'em the other night at the bar. I was drinking hard liquor, Dale. Oh, that hurts. That really hurts, Max. On that note, I'm gettin' married. You? Who'd marry you? I can tie you back to your chair if you'd like. I'm kiddin'. I'm just kiddin'. I mean, I like Sara. I like her a lot. You make a great match. Max, there's a back way out. Max! Max! Come on! Oui? Hello? Entre. Come in. Don't be shy. Come in. And welcome to my humble shop. No, no, no, don't tell me. Let me guess. You want flowers? But of course you do because it's Valentine's Day. The day of flowers. The feast of Saint Valentine. A celebration of love and affection. The feast of Saint Valentine. She bathed in roses red and violets of blue and all the sweetest flowers that in the forest grew. Beautiful, isn't it? And I will be your most humble florist to guide you through the cornucopia of hydro-smores magnifica. Oh, as you probably call them... flowers. A rose by any other name is still a rose. Did you know that it was the humble, solitary wasp that pollinated the first flowers? And the bees get all the credit. Imagine that. The modern bee was merely the descendant of the mighty wasp. Amazing, isn't it? Amazing. Do you know the type of efflorescence you are looking for? It's Valentine's Day and I just got engaged. On my Lions and tigers and bears, oh, my. Magnificent choices, if I do say so myself. A cornucopia of the finest petals and blossoms nature affords us. Your Valentine and betrothed will be most pleased. Most pleased. They say it's the end of the world coming for us, but what will happen to my flowers? My flowers! Max! It's the infection, Max. She's got an infection. I gotta check on my mom! It is confirmed. The virus had jumped. We now have direct knowledge that the virus is moving through the air. The very air we breathe. The military has just been placed on highest alert. As of 15 minutes ago, we have stopped all air and ocean arrivals into the country. We've been notified, we've seen the first cases of the virus right here, right now. Quarantine of the entire city just went to went into immediate effect. But we have additional confirmed reports the virus has been seen in other cities in the US. Many other cities. What's that? Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, China and Russia just went dark. There are no communications in or out of those countries. Do, do we even have a clue what we're dealing with? Sara? Sara? Most of the city is dark. My colleagues are either dead or missing or transformed. We-- I... no longer hear the sirens of our protectors The air bombings have stopped but the smoke from hundreds of fires hangs thick in the air. The streets are all but deserted, except for them. I can still hear the dreadful wails of those that were transformed. They fill the night air. I have no idea how many of us are left. Communications are down. We are cut off from the rest of the world. We are alone. I cannot think of anything more chilling to oscillate. I'm deeply afraid that there may be more of them than us. I'm using our back up generators to transmit to you. I do not know how much longer I have. Indeed I do not know how much longer we have. Jesus! Can't-- you can't swim? It's only three-and-a-half feet of water. Fight for it! You-- you are gonna go the way of the dinosaurs, my water challenged friend. And how do I know? Trust me, I know everything. Rufus knows everything. Can't turn this switch off. We didn't have enough time for us, max. Please, Max. Please. I'm yours. You're mind. Say it again. You're mine, Sara. Promise me, you'll never let me go. I promised. That's so good. So good. Cameron? Cameron, you jerk. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. Mm. Oh, beautiful. You know, I really missed my calling. I should've been a pastry chef. Ugh, I coulda lived in New York Could've lived in Paris. Cameron? If that's you, I'm gonna kill you. Cameron? Relax. It's your birthday. Mm. Oh, that's beautiful. I have a knife, and I know how to use it. Rarr! You really think that you're gonna scare me? Seriously? Nothin's gonna happen to me today. It's her birthday. You need to get a better monster suit, Cameron. You really think that little growl is gonna frighten me? You're a loser, dude. Grow a pair. I got your number, buddy. Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? You let me in, didn't you? Against all odds, we are together. Will we live happily ever after like in the fairy tales? Will we, Max? And will all our dreams come true? 'Cause I would like that. Oh, Max, I would like that so much. Well, I say when the sun has set. Maybe, maybe not. But I'll bet when the sun starts to set and it starts to get dark. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You two don't know nothin', do you? Nothin'. I mean, come you're both wrong. Wronger than a turd in a punch bowl. Lookie here. There ain't nothin' going on upstairs. Nothin'. It's too dark in here. He derives his energy from the sunlight. Now, why do you say that? Do you know something we don't? I just read a lot of comic books. That's all. But I'm smart enough to know one thing. You do not bet against the knower of all things. I mean, how could you be so stupid? How could you be so ignorant to bet against me? I mean, do you-- Ahh! Is he the guy that chained that thing up? Yeah. Looks like the knower of all things is getting a first class education. Long overdue, I'd say. Ain't that the truth? Say, I'll have a hit off of that. Mm. Sure thing. Now, how long do you think it'll take that thing to eat him and get back to us? Oh, I, I've seen those things eat before. It isn't pretty. Mm, I'm gonna say 20 minutes. I'd say 15 minutes. Well, it's just enough time to finish this bottle of hooch. Timing's everything, isn't it? Oh, indeed it is, officer. Indeed it is. Maybe we shoulda went to Mexico. Or maybe Canada. Or maybe all the way north to Alaska. Honey, I'm home. Sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Gallows humor, I guess. There she is. Like clockwork. Just as you said. Must be hard to see her like that. We didn't have enough time together. How does she know you're here? No idea. I thought about putting her out of her misery, - but... - But what? I can't do it. - So. - So, what? So tell me about your mother. What happened? She tried to kill me, max. My own mom tried to kill me. When I, uh, when I, uh, got to her house, she'd already turned. There is nothing I could do. So I just locked the door and ran. Does that make me a coward? No. - She's gone. - Don't worry, she'll be back again in a few hours. - Where are you going? - She's my mom. I couldn't, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't keep an eye on her. You can't help her, Dale. No. Probably not. But she's my mom. You know? Dale? Dale? "May you not have suffered nor died in vain. May you live long and prosper like the pouring rain." Hah! Step right up. Step right up, folks. Drinks are on me. Don't mind if I do. A girl needs her daily fruit. Say, who wants to hear me sing? Everyone? You flatter me beyond all expectation. I am truly humbled. Now what would you like to hear? Don't be shy. What would you like to hear? Just yell it out. Please don't come in. Please don't. Say, would you like a drink? I thought you'd never ask. You see at this point, I'm just a damsel in distress relying on the kindness of strangers. Now what a coincidence. Kindness is my middle name. Oh well, I like that. I like that very much. Ugh! Ahh! These little babies, stimulate nerves, muscle and bone reformation. That should do it. Try squeezing your hand. Give a little time. You'll be right as rain. The staples will self-absorbed in a few hours. How? This is my brother's office. He was a vet. I was a military combat surgeon. I'm much tougher than I look, max. Anywho, it was all very hush-hush. But trust me, you want anything hyper advanced in science and medicine, the military has it. Where is your brother? I killed him. He turned very quickly. There was nothing I could do. The virus is the perfect killing machine. They are the perfect killing machines. The first three days, the afflicted hunted day and night killing anything that I came in contact with. Then they morphed and started taking their energy from the daylight sun. They hunted only at night - killing... - And sometimes eating anyone they came in contact with. Then they started hunting in packs killing anything - that was still human. - But the new wrinkle is they would only hunt and kill people they had been close to. Or people... that they'd intense contact with before or during the outbreak. The final attack is taking place now. The infected are at this moment, seeking out those they knew, those they were close to. Seeking them out to eliminate any competition as the dominant race. They have become the perfect killing machines. The perfect killing machines. But some of those who had morphed... came back. Some people are turning back into what they were before. Human, Max. Some people are reverting. How do they track us. I think by smell or magnetic impulses or both. Kind of like their own private GPS. Much like a lost dog or cat can find their way home over hundreds of thousands of miles. That's why I moved out here to the desert, middle of nowhere, away from everyone. My girlfriend. She's infected? Oh yeah. And she's found you? Mm-hmm. Is she alone? Mm-hmm. She won't be for long. They're hunting in packs now. Besides my brother, I have-- had... no relatives or close relationships. You're the closest. No, you're the only relationship I have now. That's a lot of pressure on me, Doc. No, don't worry, Max. You don't have to visit and make nice. I like being alone. How do I thank you? Try staying alive. There aren't many of us left. I'll do that. Did you forget something? Something wicked this way comes. Do you believe in love at first sight, Max? Well, do you, punk? Would you say it like it in the fairy tales? Would you be my knight in shining armor? Hammer Time. Max? Max? Sara? Max! Max, untie me! Today is the first day of the rest of our days for we are coming back from the brink of oblivion and we have the enemy on the run. Water. The most simple and blessed example of our earth's abundance is leading the way. The oceanic coasts are tremendously overwhelmed with the flow of our people. So please, choose more simple H2O source to go to. A stream, a river, or a pond. Will do nicely. It is a new beginning and a new order, I guess. We do not know how long it will be before we write our ship. Before the foreseeable future, folks, we have returned to the bartering system. And once more, gold and silver are kings. |
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