1
Welcome to your worst nightmare.
You're about to make
the ultimate sacrifice.
The supreme test of immortality!
- The supreme sacrifice...
- Cut!
- ...will take place...
- Stop! Time out.
I'd rather hang
than listen to this again.
I'd rather hang
than listen to this again, you know!
This isn't a frat house!
It's a half-way house for morons!
The spooky costumes and the phoney
hangings... Guys, give me a break!
Silence, Pledge!
The De Psi Phi initiation has just begun.
Oh, I get it.
They're trying to bore us to death!
Oh, yeah! It's working.
L asked you guys to be careful
with my clothes.
Now, who wrinkled my shirt?
Wasn't me!
We misjudged you two,
you're obviously not De Psi Phi material.
No, I think it's Keith and I
who seem to be mistaken here.
- Am I right?
- Fooled completely!
We were under the impression
that this was the house on campus!
If you're the kind of organisation
that will take in any kid who'll jump off
a stool with a noose around his neck...
Guys! Obviously you don't see
the advantages of your position.
What advantages?
You have something we want.
Plush accommodations.
Cable television. Continental cuisine!
Instead of making us
go through these stupid, immature...
What's the word I'm looking for?
Asinine tests,
which, by the way,
we find incredibly boring,
wouldn't it be much more
to your advantage,
to take this situation,
and get something for yourselves?
Yes! You're going to have
a big party tonight, right?
And for this party, you're definitely
going to need party... stuff!
You're going to need
booze, tunes, entertainment!
- Booze is easy.
- We provide it!
Anything at all,
anything you need, and we're in!
Anything?
Excuse us, one second.
Come here!
Listen, AJ, I'm really excited
about the way this is going.
I'm a little concerned
with this "anything" part.
Couldn't you have said
"a thing", or "something"?
Keith, Keith! Relax, will you?
These guys are operating on empty.
I'll take care of this. Trust me.
A stripper, and by tonight!
This is great, I can't wait to see you
get us out of this one.
After all these years
you don't trust me?
- The truth?
- No, lie to me!
Yeah! I trust you.
Yeah, just one number!
That's it.
L know you're a dancer
and a professional trainer,
but I was just thinking how interesting
it would be with your clothes off.
- You're doing well, you know that?
- Bear with me here.
Hey, Sandy. How you doing?
Yeah, this is AJ.
Oh, so you heard?
It'Il only take five minutes!
Come on, I'd do it for you!
Field trip!
We'll hire ourselves a pro!
Great!
Call me when you get back.
- How much money have you got?
- AJ, they're not worth it.
They? I couldn't care less
about those wimps.
It's their frat house,
what a place to operate from!
You're giving me a headache.
We're 200 miles from civilization,
with no money
and no way to get there.
Tell me the De Psi Phi house
is worth this kind of aggravation.
- I got 82 bucks.
- Together we total 168.
That, and a little charm, should get us
a stripper and one deadly number.
Now all we need are some wheels!
Duncan...
Duncan Spriggs unleashes
a monstrous drive,
right down the centre of the fairway.
It's a beauty. Once again
an amazing performance by...
Hi, there!
You have a car, right?
Listen, I'll pay for the damages,
I shouldn't have parked there anyway.
What car was it anyway?
No you see, we need a car!
We're taking a trip and we'd like
to work out a deal for transportation.
Hey, guys! Where are you going?
I ordered some pizza!
- I'm a vegetarian!
- I'm buying!
- Your Russian lit essay.
- Oh great, listen,
any time you want to catch a movie
you just give me a buzz, all right?
It'll be a pleasure helping you guys
out! Can I call you guys? Great!
Come on, sit down, relax!
Kick back, dudes!
You know, I mostly get
your basic dorks hanging around here.
They seem to gravitate towards me.
I don't know why!
I'm surprised I haven't seen
you two up here before!
This place is usually swinging!
You ought to pop up sometime.
Come on, fellas! Eat!
So, taking a trip!
Need a ride, huh?
You're in luck! One left!
Now, normally
I charge the average...
Wait, charge?
We were thinking something more
along the lines of a favour.
To be returned, of course.
That's new! I like that!
One hand washes the other, right?
Right! Yeah! lf there's anything...
lf there was something
that we could do for you...
I already know! Be my friends!
Take me with you!
No, I don't think...
All right, take me with you
and be my friends for a week!
- But...
- All right!
Take me with you and just pretend
to be my friends for a week!
This is fantastic!
Hey, guys, I'm psyched! Let's party!
Where are we going?
Doesn't matter,
what counts is that you're my buddies...
...for a week!
You think I'm cute.
A little bit shy.
Doctor, doctor, give me the news
I got a bad case of lovin' you.
No pills Shake my fist!
Tallywackers!
Hey guys, boob-a-rama,
strip search...!
Let me have this.
This is the one right here,
I can feel it.
"The After Dark Club,
the hottest acts anywhere."
Guys, it sounds classy, do you think
we should have called for reservations?
I'm ready.
We are ready!
12 for $1 .50. Socks, 6 for $1.
AJ, watch!
Guys!
You get the feeling
we're not in Kansas any more?
Well, the guy says
it's just down the street,
but the ad says the club
won't open until after dark...
...what the hell that means.
- Well, it's dark!
- Yeah, but is it after dark?
- No, but it's definitely dark!
- It might have just turned dark.
If we knew the exact moment it's dark,
we'd wait a few seconds
and it'd be after dark.
- So when's that?
- I don't know.
But you know what I'm saying,
after dark could mean morning!
- Am I making sense?
- No.
Hurry it up, it's closing time!
- Yo, Dunc!
- Let's go!
I'm going as fast as I can!
L just closed.
You just opened, again.
Coffees... six cups... to go.
Don't do that!
I'm not kidding!
AJ, help me.
Nope!
You see something funny?
L think this is serious.
AJ, I live, you die.
Think I'm going to let Maven there
cut one of your balls off.
Looks like it'Il be another hour or so
on these toilets, these pipes are tough!
So if you excuse me,
I'll get back to work!
Yeah, I definitely think
it's after dark now!
Snow!
I'm AJ! Come on,
all this over three lousy teeth?
Who spoke to you?
Uh oh.
Drop the knife, Snowflake, or you'Il
be picking these up off the floor!
Hey, Duncan, if you've finished
with those toilet seats...
Lucky they didn't try the bathrooms.
I was ready. What I would have done...
Hey! Messing with my buddies,
wham! Right in the chachkies.
One guy takes on the three of us.
Hey! Maybe we ought to wait
and see if you want another round!
How about that buddy? Huh?
Dunc! They ordered six coffees!
Ok, so it's not Caesar's palace.
Let's get this over with quick.
I'm in the mood for love
Simply because they're naked.
Guys! I'm on a roll tonight and when
that happens, I attract women like flies.
- Even.
- Shit.
Only because they're naked
I'm in the mood for love.
Hey, wait a minute.
I thought we were...
We gotta be getting back soon,
AJ will take care of everything, Ok?
Wait, this isn't fair!
We come out here all the way,
and I don't even get
a chance to watch?
I think I should have a say
in the selection.
You can interview her, in the car.
No way, one for all
and all inside I say, ta ta!
Duncan, don't do that!
Six coffees!
I'm in the mood for love
Simply because they're naked...
How you doing, boys?
Can I see your lD?
Good... enough! Perfect.
Go ahead!
Bar or table?
Ringside!
Thank you... Sir!
Hey, Blondie!
You don't remember me, do you?
It has been a long time
but I remember you.
I'm Emma and I will be your waitress
for this evening, guys.
So what can I get for you?
I would like a slow,
comfortable, screw.
A beer. And one for my buddy.
For a week.
L know I gotta get it fixed.
It drives me crazy.
It drives you crazy.
You don't remember that.
I'm going to remember that
for the rest of my life.
Builder of major erections,
our construction engineer,
Hard Hat.
Come on, let's hear it!
You have any friends that want to
remember me? Nah, I didn't think so!
Gentlemen! I give you...
...Katrina!
Wait till those wimps
at De Psi Phi see this!
She's...
Yes! He scores!
I love the show, girls!
It's brilliant, very tastefully done.
Come on!
All right, gentlemen.
You're in for a treat!
She melts in your mouth,
she melts in your hands.
Sweet, sweet, Candi!
Hello?
Katrina! You scared me.
Nice hair!
I caught your act out there,
some show!
Very... new! Very... now.
Anyway, I was wondering,
maybe later tonight,
if you're interested in doing
a little encore performance,
for a much more appreciative audience,
I could definitely make it worth
your while. Yes I could.
I'd be willing to pay top dollar.
L can see you're a professional.
And I like working with professionals.
And I like you.
L can see you like me too.
Whoa...
Wow!
Allow me!
Like to play rough?
I'll be back.
Anybody want to claim this lush?
I'm trying to run a respectable joint
here, gentlemen. Going once, twice...
He's alone, clean this mess up!
And now, she's not much upstairs,
but what a staircase!
Gentlemen, the fabulous... Dominique!
Come here...
Class!
Shit!
That's it, we're out of here.
Excuse me, could you go backstage
and tell my friend his buddy is waiting.
I see no friend.
Yeah, you took him backstage.
He's tall, dark hair, grey jacket.
I take no one back.
Excuse me. All right.
You ever have
one of those nights...?
There's a problem,
he was not alone.
He has a friend, he's downstairs
talking with the new girl.
L think there's another one of them.
That's it. One number to get into
a frat, except now I don't care.
All I want to do is find AJ
and get back to school.
Not Mr Dynamite,
you guys still hanging out?
I knew it. Yep, come on,
I bet you he'll remember me.
Did you see a guy come back here?
Welcome to Bow Wow City.
Did you see a guy come back
here, tall, good looking?
No guy came back here?
One of the girls
brought him here... Her!
You! I remember now, so sorry.
Your friend wanted to see Katrina,
I tell him no one sees Katrina.
Didn't have much of a chance with her.
- After that...
- You didn't see what happened?
Wait!
- Where's Candi?
- She's half shift tonight!
I'm afraid AJ's decided
to hold auditions.
No, he wouldn't just leave.
Not even with a girl that would melt
in your mouth, and in your hands?
Yeah, he'd leave.
I'm going to kick his...
Wait! It's time for my break.
L have to go to the hotel.
Some of the girls stay there.
If we hurry, we could catch AJ. See
you at the side entrance in two minutes.
Excuse you!
- You want to find AJ, right?
- Right.
Well, then go!
Aren't we jumpy tonight!
This is really weird.
It's like a reunion or something.
Yeah, I wish I knew with who!
When the time is right
I promise I'Il tell you.
He's on his way, don't screw it!
You got it? All right.
- Ok, you're dying to ask me.
- What?
- Why I strip.
- No I wasn't.
- Yes, you are!
- I wasn't. It's none of my business.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
It's a natural curiosity.
L mean the club is not a permanent
stop if that's what you think,
It's easy to get,
I can express myself.
That's really important because
I'm still trying to find my purpose in life.
God knows I've looked. Tried acting
for a while, what a joke that was.
Oh God, that's so sad.
Little girl, where's your mummy?
Parents like that should be shot!
You screwed up,
you're sushi baby.
He was so beautiful,
I was sure you'd like him.
You know the rules!
Only the transients, the loonies, the
strays, the ones that can't be traced.
He said he was alone!
That he was just passing through!
He fit the profile.
- He was a gift.
- Nice gift!
I'm going to have to kill them both.
Don't worry, I'll take care of it.
You're not going to punish her?
lf it were me...
Look, if I had some power...
All right!
If we had just moved the whole
operation to Vegas like I suggested...
Thank you, I'm not here forever.
L will be more careful.
Well, I guess Vegas is out.
Excuse me...
$20 a half hour.
I'm from the club, remember?
I checked in this afternoon.
I'd like the key to 1311 please.
Thank you.
Oh, can you please ring Candi,
you know, the redhead.
It's busy. But you can go up
if you like. Room 1309.
13 please!
Wait!
We should have heard
something by now.
I don't like it.
If something goes wrong, that queen
bitch is going to chew my ass up.
Vlad, give it up, there's nothing going
on between you and her any more.
All you are to her is a quick fix.
Hey, but what do I know?
Hey!
- What happened? They said you left!
- AJ, did you find him?
No. You look awful,
what happened to you?
The girl, what did she say?
L went to her apartment,
it was like no one lived there.
What are you so testy about?
You want to know why I'm testy?
I'll tell you why I'm testy.
Today I was nearly hung, I got
into a fight with a psychotic albino.
I met a human pin cushion
in the bathroom,
I ate a cockroach,
my best friend disappears.
Then I'm nearly assassinated
by an elevator.
I've had a bad day. All I want
is to find AJ and get back to school.
- Is that too much to ask for?
- No, but I don't see what the hurry is.
He'll probably show up.
Listen, where else would
a girl like Candy take AJ?
You mean a girl like me.
Just say it.
I was trying to be helpful.
I thought it'd be nice
if maybe you and me
spent some time... Oh, screw it!
You know,
if you knew me a little better!
- L don't know you at all!
- That's another thing.
How come I remember you so well
and you...?
Obviously, our moment together wasn't
as important to you as it was to me.
- What moment? Look...
- Oh, look yourself!
I love you! No, I love you!
Say, babe, what time do you get off?
- 2:30.
- Can I watch?
All right! Anybody want to claim
this lush? Going once, going twice...
- We've been looking for you!
- Hey, Snowball, how's it hanging?
- Shit!
- Come on!
- Hey, what's that?
- Nothing!
Over there!
Hello, baby! Got you now!
Come on, boy!
Don't you want to join the party?
Come on boy! Come on!
Better get used to it, scumbag.
All this for a fucking fraternity.
Well now,
where's your mamma, little girl?
Hey, I found my friend!
- Snow! There he is!
- Shit!
Hey! Are you still here?
AJ!
Jesus.
Hey! Stop! Help!
Wait! Stop!
Emergency operator,
may I help you?
I'II take care of the cops.
I'll tell them a story like
I always do.
They won't follow up.
They don't care what
happens down here!
Have you given any more
thought to my idea?
A club! ln Vegas!
New blood! New blood.
See, they're all tourists.
I hear that clubs
are very hot right now in Vegas.
We'd do very nicely!
All right!
L'Il do something.
Vlad, bring the trash back in here!
A nasty habit.
Nasty.
Hey, where have you been?
I've been making progress.
The police!
Did they get here yet?
Jesus Christ, AJ's dead.
Stay here.
It's occupied.
There's somebody in.
Relax will you,
it was just a joke!
I thought you...
You asshole!
You scared the shit out of me,
you know that?
- Relax, will you?
- Relax?
You were dead.
You were in a dumpster!
I thought Snowflake had killed you!
You see, I was rolled,
anyone can have an off night!
Off night? We're out of here.
You! There's some uniformed
gentlemen in the back to see you.
- Look, I found my friend, Ok.
- Yeah?
- He looked dead.
- He looks real dead to me!
It was in the garbage that...
Your friend apparently
likes to flash his money around.
In this neighbourhood,
that makes him a meal ticket.
Tell me about it!
I am a meal ticket. I should know!
- Look, I just think...
- No, you look.
Now my stomach's all upset, thanks
to you and your dead friend here.
This is not a nice area,
and I don't like coming to it.
So before I lock you up, I want all
three of you out of here, go home!
- I've been trying to for the past...
- Now!
Officer, why don't
I escort you out personally.
L know you like to catch
the last act, am I right?
Hey, guys, if you don't mind,
I'm going to catch the last act.
We'll see you out there
in a few minutes!
I promise you'll never see us
in this neighbourhood again, officer.
I'm pissed at you.
They treat you real good here.
We can forget about the fraternity.
Why don't we just go back home?
- What's the rush?
- AJ, give me a break will you?
Would you calm my friend down
here please?
I've been telling him for years
to relax.
I'm fine,
let's just get out of here. Please.
That's not fair.
Come on.
Wait!
L didn't think you had it in you.
Looks like you discovered
the only way out of here, pal!
What the hell are you talking about?
The club! Everyone here, man,
they're vampires!
Can't let you leave.
We got a problem here.
Yeah? Why don't we go home?
We'll call a doctor or something.
You don't get it do you? Home is
a million miles away from me now.
Home's another planet!
I'm a fucking zombie now!
I mean, look at me!
Watch out, man!
You want to know
how bad things are?
L love you, Keith.
But all I can see right now is food.
And I'm starving.
You carry my next meal
around with you in your veins!
They got me,
they got me real good.
Ok, why don't you take
what you need for now?
You know, to get you through.
That's too much, you're so nice!
Do I look like a mosquito? No.
L can't be trusted, buddy!
Will you look at my clothes?
They're ruined!
Do I look real bad?
You know, it's just like the movies!
You can't see yourself.
There's no reflection.
It's weird.
No pill's going to cure my ill
Jesus, you're really going to do it
aren't you?
You're going to kill me.
- AJ, do me a favour.
- For old times' sake?
Sure, buddy. Anything.
Anything at all.
No. Not anything.
Just one thing.
Make sure I don't come
back like you, Ok?
Hey, you think I like this?
Or them? They're boring creeps!
They're not called
walking dead for nothing!
Try talking to one of them
sometime!
L am!
Come on man, just take me out!
Just kill me.
I can't go on like this.
- AJ, I...
- Come on!
- Shit!
- You can't, can you?
Even though you know I'm one,
you can't!
It does work, you know. The fire,
the wooden stakes, the sunlight!
I've got a list right here somewhere...
You're ready to die for me
aren't you?
Because you can't believe
I'm not me any more.
Maybe there's something left,
huh?
Jesus Christ, maybe there is! No.
Sorry, pal.
Now get lost fast, go on!
Remember, you can burn or keep
them from their coffins past sunrise.
I think you know the other one.
Last call, gentlemen, last call.
Hope you enjoyed the show.
Don't forget our single man's special,
all you can drink for a dollar.
Come along, you drink yourselves
into another world.
Hey! We're leaving.
That's not fair, I only had
to promise him $50!
Now! I'll explain later.
Guys!
Excuse me, there seems to be
a little problem with your bill!
When it clears out,
why don't you and me go in the back
and handle it personally?
Call the police!
These people are all vampires!
That doesn't make them bad people!
- Listen, AJ's dead!
- Again?
Vampires!
Don't think you're going
to get away with this.
Of course! Do you know
how many people disappear
off the face of the earth every year?
Not thousands! Tens of thousands.
- You're a statistic, kid.
- Why did you pick on us?
It was a mistake, Ok? It was
a little communication error. I'm sorry.
We'll be missed.
They'll come looking for us.
Who did you tell
that you were coming here?
Nobody tells anybody
when they come to a joint like this!
Quite a racket, huh?
See, I run an essential service here.
Waste disposal.
Look around, look who comes here.
The sickies, the degenerates,
the forlorn, the lost, the lowlifes,
the fucking dregs of humanity
wind up here,
and we take care of them!
It costs you nothing.
Yeah, just my best friend.
Hey, nobody's perfect,
I do the best I can,
with what I got.
Your self-pity makes me sick.
You know that?
Listen kid, I used to own this club.
You know who worked here?
Louis Preeman, Buddy Gregor,
Phil Harris, class.
Wait a second,
where are you going?
What are you trying to do?
Get out of here?
Why? There's more of us out there!
Oh yeah! So where are you going?
Here, there...
We're everywhere.
Can I ask you something?
You ever been to Vegas?
Hey, how about you buying
me and my friends a last round?
Kind of a last request.
Like they do in Vegas!
They do that in Vegas?
That's classy! Sure.
Excuse me! Give this gentleman
whatever he wants.
Give me a... brandy!
Make it three.
Make them doubles. Triples!
Hell, leave the whole bottle
when you're done.
I'm not driving anywhere.
Spill these all over the place!
Oops, oh I'm sorry, excuse me.
Hold my drink!
To Vegas!
Come on! Trap door!
Ok, you win, I'm gone.
- What the hell are you doing?
- The bitch owes me money!
This way!
I would love to have seen Vegas.
Once.
Just once.
My first drink in 75 years.
Vlad, to the good old days!
Shit!
Guys!
- How you doing back there, Dunc?
- I'm hungry!
He's Ok!
No, I mean I'm starving.
We'll order some pizza
when we get back to school.
If that's Ok with you?
Guys!
Wait, wait!
Move!
Looks like we're not the first ones
midnight shopping, it was already bent.
Find some bullets!
- Will this help?
- You got ammo with that?
You mean bullets? No.
- Where did you get that?
- Get back!
I'm good with this, believe me.
- Look, no fangs! Come on.
- Who are you?
Tell me your real name!
This isn't exactly the time
I had in mind. I thought maybe...
Did you actually think
I could have been one of those?
No.
This way!
- We're saved!
- Thank God for mass transit.
- Last stop!
- I don't need this shit!
Talk about timing, come on!
What gang is this?
Wait!
Come on, help me!
- Keith! It's time.
- What?
My name! I'm Alison Hicks,
remember? Seaside Heights.
Summer vacation, 5th grade.
We were in Sue Leonard's basement
playing spin the bottle.
I spun, it landed on Moose
and you pushed the bottle.
I didn't have to kiss him
and ended up kissing you.
- Remember now?
- Yeah! You have incredible timing.
Thanks!
Are you sure it's safe down here?
Trust me, this is an abandoned
system. I've been here before.
- What was that?
- Probably just a wino or something.
In high heels?
Come on!
Here!
Come on!
- L have matches here somewhere.
- Don't! I smell something.
- L think we should leave.
- This was not a very good idea!
- Alison! The matches!
- You called me Alison!
The matches!
Alison!
Keith!
God, shoot her.
Shoot her, please! No!
Keith!
Let's go!
- Come on!
- There's something I've got to do first.
- Ah, you're bleeding!
- Oh, it's nothing!
This can get infected,
we'll have to have this checked out.
Thanks.
Come up here a second.
I want to show you something.
What?
God!
ls that supposed to be funny?
No, it's not.
You killed my Katrina!
You both must die!
Well, don't everybody thank me
all at once.
Formica. Go figure.
Hi, Alison!
Relax! I'Il take care of this somehow!
This has been one wacky night.
You're telling me?
I'm going to need
some new clothes here.
Wait! Where are you going?
After all these years
you don't trust me?
I can't handle this, you know.
Look, there's always night school!
- Hi, there.
- Hi!
And jobs, I'll take a graveyard shift!
Yeah, that's what I'll do!
Keith?
Relax! I'll take care of everything.
Follow us!
I'm right below you, pal!
Hey, you guys live in a barn or what?