Hello, my name is Goody,
and in 1841, I was bitten
by a stem vampire.
A stem is able to awaken
the victims
they choose not to drain.
Normally, this would be
one of those tales
of gore and homicidal urges,
but I've always looked
on the bright side.
So I learned to live
on animal blood.
And having eternal life
gave me extra years
with my loved ones.
Nighttime used to be
dull and dark,
but things got a lot better
in the '80s.
Oh, the 1880s, that is.
The Industrial Revolution
gave us electricity
and light bulbs.
And suddenly, nights were
as bright as daytime.
Telephones replaced letters,
and the new subways let
you travel the whole city
and still be in your coffin
by sunrise.
In the 1920s,
things really turned modern.
Skirts got shorter,
jazz babies and flappers
owned the night.
The world belonged
to the young,
and I was an expert
at being young.
And then came
my favorite invention...
flickers.
Chaplin, Keaton,
Cagney...
and in movies,
they never got any older.
I could relate.
In the 1960s, I messed up.
I let my guard down
and I stupidly let myself
fall in love.
After that, things started
to go downhill.
In the '70s, I kinda lost
interest in dating.
But in the '90s,
my stem turned Stacy.
She was kind of lost
and I took care of her.
I taught her to get hometown
soil for her coffin,
how to use
hypnotic powers,
and how to find the jugular
on a rodent.
And she taught
me about e-mail,
Napster,
and this great group,
Green Day.
So we have lots of fun.
We party with normal kids,
we go to college.
I've got over 10,000 credits.
I could graduate if
it wasn't during the day.
I love having a friend,
or "bestie," as she calls it.
And, aw,
look how cute she is.
- Hey, Goody.
- Goody, wake up. It's sunset.
The only bad thing about Stacy
are her practical jokes,
which she thinks are way funnier
than they actually are.
What?
No, you didn't.
Come on, let me out.
- You got me
- Again.
Hurry, I've got an 8:00 class.
Hey, Stacy.
Your friend from Boston
sent your hometown soil.
Oh, thank God.
I hardly have any left.
My back has been killing me.
"We're sorry but
your package has
accidentally been
harmed in delivery."
I think the Post Office
x-rays everything now,
and this looked suspicious
so they opened it.
But this is just dirt.
Yeah, but you know
Homeland Security.
Man, the terrorists ruined
things for everybody.
why do they call it visiting?
Isn't it more like "type us
a letter on the computer"?
Visiting is when
you go somewhere.
Yeah, you're at one place
on the Internet,
and then
you go someplace else.
- That doesn't make any sense.
- Yes, it does.
So if you're reading a book
and you turn the page,
are you visiting
another page?
Hold on.
You still can't find your mouth
- without a mirror?
- Thank you.
Sunrise is at 6:40.
You know, I put that app
in your phone.
You don't need the almanac.
I like my almanac.
What's with the mom jeans?
- Jeans are jeans.
- Are you kidding?
Jeans mark your age
more than a birth certificate.
Trade shoes.
At least my gladiators
will get you in
the right millennium.
- Those are cute.
- Race you.
Oh!
- Took you long enough.
- Well, that didn't count.
- These aren't my shoes.
- Excuses, excuses.
Oh, for goodness' sake.
- What time does your class end?
- 9:30.
Okay, then I'll meet
you at work.
Oh, God.
Where are you going?
Come back here.
- Goody!
Cradle of Filth, Ozzy Osbourne,
The Cure...
Ooh, where?
Oh, no. It's one of those
daytime festival things.
Whose idiot idea was it
to have rock concerts
during the day?
Mmm.
Let's check the traps.
Ugh, rats will eat anything.
Oh, dead one.
Oh, trap got him?
I think the artificial
sweeteners gave him cancer.
And 6th Avenue.
- Penthouse suite.
- We're being summoned.
Ask me questions.
Who's the stupidest person on TV?
- Uh, Snooki!
- Oh, yes. You're right.
Who's the smartest?
- Um, House or Frylock?
- Who?
The limping doctor
or the flying French fry.
- Okay, 53rd Street.
Don't you love
Times Square?
It feels like the center
of the world.
I feel like a bunch of TVs
threw up.
Take a cab.
What are you, walking?
Okay, okay.
We're coming.
What kind of mood
is she in?
- I've seen worse.
- Has she finished feeding?
Because we don't want
to be around any of that.
Where are my offshoots?
There they are.
Look at the new fall line.
Gaultier, Prada.
Dries.
And I can never see how
I look in them.
What is the point
of looking like this
if I can never enjoy it?
Hmm?
- Oh, sucks hard.
- Not so nice.
So put them on and then
I will just imagine
how much better
they will look on me.
Ivan, call Mr. Pizza Guy.
I thought
we were going out.
I feel like a pizza guy.
Oh, come on.
Those clothes are wearing you.
Give it some juice.
- I don't know about this one.
- Why not?
It's just not for young people.
Excuse me?
Are you telling me
about being young?
Do you have any idea
how long I have been young?
She just means that,
with the recession and all,
girls of a certain age couldn't
afford something like this.
Plus, it's fur.
It's like wearing a dead animal.
Okay, here's the flaw
in that argument.
Why should the life of a mink
be more valuable than
the life of a pigeon?
You two drink pigeons
every day.
We set them free.
- Stacy got attached.
- To pigeons?
You know what?
We never should've named them.
I know, you're so right.
I mean, how can you hurt
something named Snuggles?
- Or Mr. Doodles?
- Do you remember...
You're pathetic.
Pizza guy.
Pizza guy.
Who ordered the double cheese
and sausage?
You're late.
They said
You kept me waiting,
you bad boy.
Sorry.
You know what happens
to bad boys.
I hate when she's in town.
- It's disgusting.
- I know.
But let's just have
a good time.
- Come on, we deserve it.
- Taxi!
Besides, it's goth night.
And all the day players
always dress up so cute.
We're the oldest ones here.
Except for this schmo hawk.
- Can I buy you ladies a drink?
- We never drink...
mojitos.
Maybe you should court
someone your own age.
- Oh, did you see that cute one?
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey.
- Hey, Renfield.
Adam Ant called.
He wants his makeup back.
Oh, come on. Awaken me.
I wanna live forever.
Then you should try
eating more broccoli.
No, I don't want to eat more
broccoli. I want to be undead.
You are undead.
You're alive.
Yeah, stop imagining
crazy ideas.
No.
What?
- Stuck-up McVainypants is here.
So what?
Just ignore him.
Show him how much fun
you're having.
What? No!
No pictures.
Wh... then take me.
Come on.
Let's just go dance.
Isn't this place
a little Mickey Mouse for you?
There is Donor Club
in Chinatown.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
I think I can sense
a real vampire.
Vampire?
That word is so cornball.
And anyone
who says "cornball"
is at least 80 years old.
Okay.
I just don't appreciate
being called the V-word.
You prefer ELF?
Extended Life Form, yes.
So gay.
- Hey.
- Hi, Ivan.
I see you met Vadim.
You know he's my stem.
Oh, you're the Soviet stem.
Ukrainian.
Let's go to that club.
Blood Bank.
We don't feed
off of people.
Oh, great.
As long as Cisserus
takes care of herself.
- Why?
- Anything happens to her,
your years will accrue.
You wouldn't want
to look your age.
Excuse me.
I am Vadim.
This is Ivan.
I'll get my coat.
- Oh, Juicy.
- She is asking for it.
Yeah, I'd say.
Listen to me.
Vadim and Ivan
are bad guys.
I like bad guys.
No, you like nice guys.
Don't look at them
and don't talk to them.
Don't talk to them.
And remember,
nice guys.
Nice guys.
Guys that listen
when you say stuff.
Guys that compliment you.
Hey, Juicy.
Where are you going?
- Hey. We're gonna go.
- BRB.
Um, that only works
if you're leaving.
"Be right back."
- Oh. SL.
- What?
- "So long"?
- Close enough.
So I tell my parents I'm coming
to the city for my music.
And they say okay,
as long as I go to NYU.
You want?
No thanks.
I'm already in the mood.
So now they're all,
"What about law school?"
And I go, "I told you I was
coming here for my music."
So they're, "Then why did we
spend $100,000, Derek?"
I'm like, "You got me.
You could've just gotten me
Pro Tools and I'd be happy.
Law school is your dream,
not mine."
And they think it's all
about record deals,
but it's so different now.
They're so old-fashioned.
They just don't get it,
you know?
Hey, my parents
believed in witches.
Hold on, I gotta play
you something.
Mm.
You've got...
you've got something.
Hmm?
You want a rail?
A little bit won't hurt.
I gotta get out of here.
Hey, people can see you.
What?
Nobody cares.
Besides, the streets are wet
and my shoes are suede.
Stacy, I kinda did
something bad.
- What?
- Well, this drummer guy
was all coked up and his nose
started bleeding.
- Oh, no.
- I just licked a drop.
And what now? Are you jonesing?
Do you have the hunger?
No.
I just had what came out.
It wasn't even flowing.
But I know it would be so much
more satisfying than this whole
get-dressed-go-out-
and-have-sex routine.
I mean, guys used
to want to sing
or paint or write.
Now, it's like iPod hits
and webisodes.
Half the time, I don't even know
what they're talking about.
Well, we're going to group tomorrow.
That always helps.
- Hey.
Didn't that used to be
a yogurt place?
Things keep changing
around here.
Well, in the '70s,
it was a methadone clinic
and all the hippies
would be sitting on the stairs
waiting for their medicine.
And in the '50s,
it was a dance studio,
and everyone came to the Village
to be beatniks.
And before that,
it was a German newspaper.
How do you
know this stuff?
- The History Channel.
- Oh.
- Uh-oh, birds.
- Hurry. Go, go!
- Whoops!
- Get back.
- Watch out, Kenny!
Oh!
That's Van Helsing.
Let him through.
Oh, no, no, no.
This doesn't have
anything to do
with Homeland Security
so get away from
my crime scene, huh?
Did you recover the neck?
Look, it's your garden variety
John Doe.
Killed, bled out
someplace else,
they hacked it up
and dumped it here.
You call this bled out?
It's bone dry.
- Detective.
Excuse me, ma'am.
I need you to back up, please.
What is that,
a pizza carrier?
There.
You happy now?
Hey, if we find a subway map
and explosives, we'll call you.
- Whoa.
Good evening.
My name is Harry,
and welcome to
Sanguines Anonymous.
Tepish, you're a stem,
aren't you?
Someone told me
that if a stem dies,
all the offshoots die.
It's an old wives' tale, right?
I thought as long as you stayed
out of the sun, you're okay.
And if your stem died,
you start aging.
No, you start aging,
but not like the day players.
You become
your chronological age.
When were you awakened?
Ah, pfft.
Baby.
Besides,
Stacy turned in 1992.
Does she know
how old you are?
No.
It seemed to comfort her
thinking we were the same age.
Ah, I see.
- You're from Cisserus, huh?
- You know her?
We had a fling.
Mm.
That took about
a century off my life.
Hey.
Tepish, would you like
to start off tonight?
Okay.
Thank you, Harry.
Hi, everyone.
I am Vlad Tepish.
You know,
Vlad the Impaler.
Hi, Vlad Tepish.
I have abstained
from the fluids of homo sapiens
for 362 years.
I'm sure that you've heard
about what I did
to the Turkish army, huh?
He impaled them.
You youngsters have to learn
how to substitute
what you can't do with things
that are less harmful.
Personally,
I like knitting.
Especially...
- this part.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
- Hi, I'm Stacy.
- Hi, Stacy.
I've been in my 20s
for two decades,
and when I was a day player,
I was doing a lot of E.
E?
I don't know what that is.
That's ecstasy.
And then one night,
I must've been pretty stoned,
'cause I don't even remember,
but I know Cisserus
was feeding on me,
and Goody was arguing
that I would be a good
clothing model for her.
So if it wasn't for Goody,
I would be dead.
Like, dead-dead.
But she says that I saved her
because she'd been so lonely,
and having a friend made
her want to keep existing.
Even though I've never
had human blood,
I still feel tempted.
But it's like drugs.
We don't need
the high-highs.
It's more satisfying
to not hurt anybody
and just have fun
with your friends.
- Thanks.
- Good meeting, people.
Shall we?
When it comes to
drinking human blood,
a single drop is too much,
and a whole family
is never enough.
Support your fellow ELFs.
Undead is not unfeeling.
Great.
What are you doing?
Don't you hate it when
you sprout fangs,
part's white and then
the other part's dingy?
I never thought about it.
- It's Renfield.
- Hey, Renfield!
- Where are you guys?
Let's go to SoHo House.
I'm sick of these clip joints.
How about this?
You go, and if it's great, text us.
All right. G2G
G2G.
"Got to go."
Why can't kids say entire words?
It takes just as long
to say letters.
Remember, we said
that we'd keep up with the times
even though it's not as good
as the '80s.
You don't hear me
complaining every time
a new song comes on
that Devo is much better.
That's true.
You have a glob.
- Here?
- Other side.
- Here?
- A little higher.
Doesn't it drive you crazy
not knowing
what you look like?
You look the same
as you always did.
- You have pictures from before.
- No.
You don't have any pictures
from your early years?
No.
A guy in the park drew this.
Do I look anything like this?
Oh, yeah.
- He really captured you.
- Oh.
Hold on.
Okay, she sort of has
your structure.
You have rounder eyes,
shorter chin,
change the hair,
green eyes,
and...
fix the nose.
- And print.
Oh, my God.
- That's me.
- Yeah.
It's been so long.
I take back everything bad
I ever said about computers.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Ooh.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
Ew.
Well, LASIK has come
a long way.
- Hi, I'm Joey.
- Hi, I'm Stacy.
Hey, would you like to have
lunch with me sometime?
- No.
- Okay.
Um, no, what I meant was
I work during the day
but I could have coffee
or drinks.
Okay, great.
All right,
any questions?
Yes, Professor Quincy.
How many surrealists does
it take to change a light bulb?
- How many?
- A bicycle.
Well, thank you for that wonderful
insight, Mr. Van Helsing.
All right, I know
that was no "Talladega Nights."
Now what was Dal
trying to do in this?
Stacy, don't take a nap.
You'll be up all day.
I'm so tired.
I was IM'ing all day.
I barely slept.
I met someone
at school.
- What's his story?
- He's silly.
Goofy but cute.
- What's his name?
- His name?
Um, his name is Joey...
Van Helsing.
What?
I'm sure it's a coincidence.
It's a common name.
And you didn't hit it off
with Timmy Hitler?
Very funny.
I don't like it.
I can take care
of myself.
Guess what Joey
wants to do this weekend?
- Behead you?
- Ha-ha.
I need to see
my wife's chart.
You know, I've asked about
four times in the past hour.
So get me
the goddamn chart.
And don't start
with the shifts.
And you won't be sued
for malpractice
if you do it now.
Hell no, we won't go.
Hell no,
we won't go.
Hell no...
Enough already.
I've had enough.
Hi, honey.
Hi, honey.
Love you.
I told them not to bring
you any... look at this.
I don't want you to eat this.
Look at this.
They use this for breast
implants in the other wing.
Guess where I went?
Cappuccino.
- Oh...
- Look at this.
How much?
How much do we love cannoli?
All right, maybe later.
How you doing in there?
- Ugh.
- I'm tired.
- Oh, shit.
- You got jury duty.
- What?
- 8:00 a.m.
- No.
How could this happen?
We're paid in cash.
We don't do taxes.
I don't even have
a driver's license.
Our credit cards
are through a third party.
Oh. I voted once.
- You what?
- I voted for Dukakis.
- Dukakis?
- It was before I turned.
And I was just thinking
about the good of the country.
Country?
It's just business.
From the Dutch West
India Company
to the slave trade.
How do you know
all this stuff?
Um, The History Channel.
Yay!
If you're here and he's there,
why don't you talk?
Nobody talks.
Do you want him
to think I'm 40?
So, if the city has
too much garbage,
and rats eat garbage,
why don't we just get rats
to eat the garbage
instead of spraying
toxic crap everywhere?
- Rats breed too quickly.
- So?
What if we give them
birth control?
You mean get rats
to put on condoms?
Yeah.
Teensy-weensy little condoms.
Who's that old hippie
talking to Fred?
You must mean the girls from
the graveyard shift.
Shit.
I used to go out with him
before you and I
knew each other.
Oh, my God. He's gonna
expect you to be like 40.
- I know.
- Hi.
Wow.
How is it possible?
How is what possible?
Goody, you have not
aged a day.
Mister, my name is Susan.
But my mother's name was Goody.
Did you know her?
Goody Rutherford?
Is that your mother?
Yes, but she passed away.
Oh.
I-l-I'm sorry.
My name is Danny Horowitz.
Did she ever, uh, you know,
like, mention me?
I think.
- But we have to get to work.
- Hey.
Hi, I under... listen.
I have to talk to you.
Please call me tomorrow.
Okay.
Tomorrow night.
Night, of course.
Just like your mother.
Okay.
- So, is this your place?
- It's my parents' place.
When my ex and I broke up,
I was traveling
and I haven't found
a new place yet.
- Iris recognition.
- So, what does your dad do?
Well, he works for
Homeland Security now,
but he was with MI-6 in London
for quite a long time.
So is he, um,
some kind of spy?
Yeah, like James Bond
but shorter.
Listen, Stacy.
There's something I have to tell you.
- What?
- I'm older than you think.
I've been helping my dad with
this project for a few years,
and since I'm still in school,
you probably think I'm, like, 20.
But I'm almost 25.
- And since you're like 17...
Um, actually
I'm a little bit older
than the other kids, too.
You are?
Well, great.
Well, how old are you?
You don't ask
a lady her age.
- Well, why not?
- Because it's very impolite.
- How am I gonna find out?
- I don't know.
I'm gonna nick
your passport.
I'm never going again.
The performance was ghastly.
No, the clown was so...
- Joey.
- Oh.
I didn't know
you had company.
We just got back.
This is Stacy.
Stacy, my mother and father.
- Hi, Stacy.
- Oh, pleasure.
- Nice to meet you.
- Uh, yeah.
- How do you do?
- Hi.
Well, I actually
have to get to my job.
- You work at night?
- Yeah, it's so depressing.
But, you know,
just until school gets out.
- I have to go.
- I'll see you out.
- Ta!
- Yeah.
- Did you feel her hands?
- Freezing.
I'm glad you're interested.
Are you a registered voter?
No matter what's going
on in the world,
there's always someone
protesting or petitioning,
and they always wind up
in Union Square.
Even in the 1840s, people were
pamphleteering for abolition.
...southern flesh peddlers!
Slavery will tear
our country apart!
Sir, may I proffer
you a pamphlet?
Abolition now!
Sir... sir, may I proffer
you a pamphlet?
And in the 1950s,
thousands of people
protested to stop
the execution
of the Rosenbergs.
Of course, in the '60s, there was
always a Vietnam demonstration.
Hell no, we won't go!
Hell no, we won't go!
Hell no, we won't go!
Hell no...
Must've been pretty crazy to see
your old boyfriend like that, huh?
How long were
you guys together?
Over a year.
We never lived together,
but we saw each other
every night.
I forgot how nice it felt seeing
someone you love all the time.
I wonder what Joey's parents
think about me.
So what did you think
of Stacy?
She's rather pale.
How do you mean?
What your mother means
is she's...
exceedingly white.
So you don't like her because
of the color of her skin?
Is that what
you're telling me?
Oh, don't be so dramatic.
No, it's simply that
she's not like us.
You mean wealthy,
over-educated,
Upper-West-Side,
paranoid, ghoul-chasing...
Oh, for fuck's sake.
She's undead!
- And I forbid you to see her!
You think everyone
is a vampire.
Just because somebody stays up late,
doesn't go to bed before 3:00...
Well excuse me for being
overly vigilant.
...doesn't mean
they can just grow fangs,
- put on a black cape...
- But I think beings
- devoid of warm blood...
- ...and fly around town like a bat!
Just because
they're a little peaky,
it doesn't mean
they drink blood.
...roam the street at night
looking for innocent victims.
You are so intolerant.
Enough!
Stop it, both of you.
Let's just invite
your little friend to supper.
If she's one of them,
we'll know.
Fine.
Tonight, we're meeting
under sad circumstances.
I'm sure by now you've
all heard about David's
tragic Daylight Savings accident.
Boy, one century you're here
and the next you're gone.
Do you sense
something gross?
Yes.
I see we have a newcomer.
Uh, yeah, hi.
I'm Rita.
Hi, Rita.
I am a psy-vampire.
- What exactly is that?
- Psychic vampire.
I'm able to feed off
other people's auras.
You know,
I absorb their energy.
How do you know you're
not just annoying them?
Psy-vampires are
a true vampiric subset, okay?
And we don't need blood
to draw...
What the fuck is that?
All right, all right.
Settle down.
We really
gotta be more careful
about how we announce
our meetings.
Anybody else
have something to share?
Stacy got called in
for jury duty,
but she hasn't voted
since the '80s.
That happened to me.
And they're bringing me in
for an audit.
Everybody call
on your stems
and any human-feeders
you know.
But how are we
gonna find Cisserus?
You don't know
her resting place?
When she wants us,
she summons us.
We never call on her.
Okay.
We all gotta work together, folks.
The community
is being persecuted.
I've seen it all before.
Now instead of tortures,
they're using computers.
Does Mr. Davidoff
know you are coming?
Mr. Davidoff is aware
we'll be here between
But don't you need
a search warrant?
Madam, you've insultingly
confused us with the police.
I'm from Time Warner,
and if you ever want to see
Jon Stewart again,
you'll open this door.
Let's get some light in here.
Morning, Sunshine.
Buenas noches, chicas.
Have you seen Ivan?
He hasn't answered
any of my summonses.
Uh, I think we saw him
last week.
Something must have happened.
He's not strong enough
to ignore you.
Well, you chicas
will just have to fill in.
But we're only good at modeling
and light clerical work.
So, you fold these carefully,
and you pack this soil.
Don't you just love
these "As-seen-on-TV" bags?
Look how much soil
it can fit.
Oh, it's a good thing we're here
because there's gonna be
a big meeting with all
the local stems and ELFs.
There's been a lot of
persecution of the community.
- What do I care?
- Well, if you keep acting
so recklessly,
they're gonna find you.
No one will ever
find my lair.
And I'm in the one place
no New Yorker ever goes.
But your behavior makes
it harder for everyone else.
For who?
For Vlad Tepish
and his doofus peasants?
"Vlad the Impaler"?
I'll tell you what that whole
impaling routine was.
Compensation.
You know what I'm saying?
Besides, I am leaving town.
And look at this pimpin'
travel coffin he made me.
Here's the itinerary.
Just get me on cargo
before dawn.
It's a private jet.
Spain?
What's in Spain?
It is not just the rain
in Spain.
Look at him.
Diego Bardem.
Only the handsomest,
most talented man in the world.
- Do you know him?
- No, I don't know him.
But I got mad love for him.
And I'll tell you a secret.
I am not gonna use
any hypnotism.
I want this to be real.
I haven't felt this way about
anyone since Al Jolson.
The Mammy guy?
Yes, the Mammy guy.
I mean, he was an amazingly
dynamic performer.
You have no idea because
you never saw him live.
No, no, no.
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What did your parents
say about me?
- Are you near your computer?
- Yeah.
Come on iChat.
I wanna see you.
- Oh!
I don't... I don't have iChat.
Yeah, you do.
It's built in.
Yeah, but my roommate
was spray painting
and she got paint
on the lens.
- So...
- Pfft.
What did
your parents say?
They thought
you were a bit pale.
What do you mean pale?
Well, you know, pale,
fair skin.
Like maybe you were sick
or something.
Well, it's just those
environmental light bulbs.
I mean, they make everybody
look horrible.
Look, they want you to come
for dinner on Friday.
Can you make it?
Oh, I'll be there.
- Ow!
Stay still.
- It's good, right?
- I think it's totally working.
I'm gonna be so tan.
Hi.
Wow.
You look...
Robust?
Sure.
Come in.
Dinner will be a few minutes.
Let me give you
the tour.
What is all this stuff?
Well, it's mostly stuff
from my grandfather
or my great grandfather.
My father is an expert
on vampirism.
Told you my family's nuts.
- What's this thing?
- Ah, well...
if someone you suspect of being
a vampire dies,
you place this over their neck
before they're buried
and if they wake up and try
to climb out of their coffin,
they get beheaded.
Dinner's ready!
Hey, I know him.
You know him?
I mean,
I know who he is.
It's Vlad Tepish.
It's pronounced "Tee-pees."
He was one of the most sadistic
figures in history.
Well, I guess that sort of
depends on your point of view.
Really?
How many points of view
can there be on the subject
of impaling people
and drinking their blood?
If a weird stunt like that stops
the entire Ottoman Empire
from taking over Europe.
His armor is in
the museum in Bucharest.
I mean, they consider
him a hero.
Yeah, if it wasn't for him,
we'd all be speaking "Ottomanese."
Didn't you like your fish?
Shall we make
something else for you?
Oh, no, thank you,
Mrs. Van Helsing.
I'm enjoying my dinner
a great deal.
Now, you must try our soup.
It's an old Van Helsing recipe.
Ahh!
Not a fan of garlic?
Oh, no, it's not the garlic.
It's the salt.
Even the tiniest bit
and I blow up
like a Thanksgiving Day
balloon.
My father thinks that
if he gives us garlic breath,
we won't make out.
Not going to work, Pops.
Ma, we'll take dessert later.
The movie starts at 9:30.
I'll just get our things.
Hmm.
You have a very strong will,
Dr. Van Helsing.
What are your intentions
with my son?
What do you mean?
Do you plan to suck
the life out of him?
No more than
any other girlfriend.
Hey, you ready?
Thank you for dinner.
- See you later.
Oh, I know.
But did you see the girl
who left with Joey?
Is she one of them?
I wasn't really paying attention.
That girl, she seemed pretty dark.
But it's all gonna be on my phone.
So hold on.
Wait, I don't remember
seeing empty chairs.
What did I do wrong?
You didn't do
anything wrong.
Why do people
bother going out
if the only thing
they want to bond with
is their little
glowing boxes?
Don't go grandma on me.
- Oh, there's Renfield.
- Hey.
Uh, you guys, um...
kinda can't sit here unless
we order a $400 bottle.
- Don't worry about it.
- Bottle service.
She left him 10 minutes ago.
The sex must be great.
Oh, we haven't done it yet.
Oh, so it's a purely
textual relationship?
I've been looking for you,
you lifeless bitch.
What is your problem?
What did you do to Ivan?
What are you talking about?
First you kill
my game with Juicy girl.
Now Ivan is missing.
Suckerin' succotash.
- Guys, guys, guys!
Not in front of the day players.
The past few minutes,
you remember nothing.
Complete Sergeant Schultz.
I know nothing!
- I saw nothing!
- Now cut it out.
Besides, why would
we hurt Ivan?
We'd just wind up doing
more work for Cisserus.
Actually, it's a good thing
we ran into you.
We need you to come to
a Sanguines Anonymous meeting.
- No way.
- You don't have to join,
but a lot of weird stuff
has been going down.
They're trying to force us
out into the sun.
You think this has something
to do with Ivan's disappearance?
It might.
Did anyone in his building
see anything?
The neighbor said the cable
company was there.
Can Time Warner just burst into
a person's home and kill them?
Yeah, they're terrible.
Come to a meeting.
We've got to figure this out.
Everybody's getting audited.
Well, you don't have to go.
What?
An audit is just
the IRS saying,
"We think you should
pay more taxes."
And if you agree with them,
then you say, "Okay, how much?"
But you only have to go in
if you wanna challenge them.
How do you know this?
I'm a CPA.
- You are?
- Yeah.
You just got
some new clients.
Not me.
I have a guy.
What are you wearing?
It's like the history
of fashion.
I'm going to see Danny.
I wanna look nice.
Gibson Girl shirts
were the prettiest.
on short women.
but are comfortable.
Okay, but what's
with the hat?
It's a boater.
People always said
it looked spiffy on me.
People from
your barbershop quartet
or people from
the Republican convention?
Oh, God.
Here we are.
"Architectural Digest" time.
Enjoy yourself.
Sure you don't
want anything to drink?
- I'm sure.
- Well, I'm not.
I need some coffee, man.
For energy.
I just made this last week.
- Oh.
- You work for the government?
Do I look like I work
for the government?
I'm with the ACLU.
Right now I'm in the middle
of this deportation case
with abuses of wiretapping.
It's unbearable.
Well, I thought
if the government
doesn't hear terrorist-related stuff,
they have to hang up.
No.
Ah, look at this.
I was going through these
looking for your mother.
Look at these.
She had this habit of just
ducking out right before
they took a picture.
Well, she was superstitious.
Still, I mean,
it's a little nutty, isn't it?
My God.
- I have this one.
- You do? Really?
She saved it?
You better put yours
in plastic.
She liked this, huh?
Well, why not?
I was not bad-looking
back then, huh?
What an amazing
time this was.
Being young and in love.
Feeling like you're a part of
something that really mattered.
Your mother never mentioned
why she just disappeared?
- Not really.
- Oh, man.
Hey, you know what?
I have to get movies for my wife
before the store closes.
- Right on.
- Huh?
My way.
- I'll go with.
- Oh.
All right, cool.
You know,
Angela is really in and out.
And that's why I gotta get her
movies that she really loves.
So, you know,
when she dozes off,
you know, she won't miss
anything, really.
- Can I help?
- Uh, no.
When I see 'em,
I'll know it.
- Then I'm gonna look around.
- Okay, cool.
Excuse me.
Do you have any
James Cagney posters?
Oh, James Cameron?
No, uh, James Cagney.
You know, "Made it, Ma!
Top of the world!"
No.
What about...
- Fred Astaire?
- No.
- Jack Lemmon?
- No.
- Paul Newman.
- Oh, the salad dressing guy?
- Yeah.
- No.
Phones on the ground.
Phones on the ground now.
Drop 'em!
Hands in the air. Hands in the air.
Give me the money.
Don't you point that.
He's got a heart condition.
- Shut up!
- Oh, my God!
Fuck.
Come on!
- He's having a heart attack.
- No, no, no, lady.
Get up and give me
the money now.
- Shit, come on!
- Oh!
Stop it.
Calm down.
Mm.
Feel better?
Yeah.
You are gonna take this couple
to the hospital.
And no more stealing
The bite was from your cat.
You guys,
take CPR courses.
You hate junk food.
And get "Public Enemy."
The Cagney one.
You all right?
I could hypnotize you,
but I've been wanting to tell you.
So what are you saying?
You broke up with me 'cause
you wouldn't drink my blood?
Is that what you're telling me?
I don't drink human blood.
You don't?
That guy, what was that?
No. Have you ever seen
a vampire bat?
A little rodent can get
the blood out of an entire cow
in a few minutes because
of this enzyme in their saliva.
It's a completely safe
blood thinner.
And I also have it.
I didn't drink
that man's blood.
I spit into him
to stop the stroke.
Oh.
You just spit into him.
Oh, that's a whole
other ball game.
Well, if I didn't, he would have
had a lot of brain damage.
How old are you?
A little older than you.
So people can only be
around you for, like, what...
a year or something?
No, I could go around
seven years
without them expecting
me to look older.
And I would've stayed with
you for as long as possible.
But when you became
one of the student leaders,
people on the street
recognized you.
I thought,
"This is his time."
You could have your choice
of any woman out there.
It didn't seem right
to rob you of the chance
to meet someone amazing.
And you did, didn't you?
I did.
I really did.
And you know what?
I really should check
and see how she's doing.
And I gotta tell
you something else.
I feel like I'm really, like,
tripping right now.
Am I gonna see you again?
Uh...
of course, yeah.
Okay, this is Germany
before World War II.
The sleepwalker
keeps murdering people,
but only because the evil guy
has him under a spell.
What does that remind you of?
I'm flummoxed.
Germany?
Evil spell?
Adolf?
Your eyes remind me
of somebody.
Adolf Hitler.
No, that wasn't
who I was thinking of.
Audrey Hepburn.
Same initials, though.
Can you please just focus
on symbolism?
Sorry.
Can I be under your spell?
Or better still,
you could be under my spell.
What are you
gonna make me do?
Laugh hysterically.
Holy shit.
Has it ever been like that
for your before?
Not since the '80s.
Hey, where are you going?
Um, I've got an early class.
Well, ditch it
and come back to bed.
I can't.
But I'll call you later.
Come on, my parents won't
be home until tomorrow.
Look, it's a little early in the
relationship to get into this,
but I've really gotta go.
What the...
- Something bothering you?
- What?
No.
If there's anything
you wanna talk about...
maybe trouble
with Stacy, or...
Yeah, 'cause you'd love that.
He's not answering my texts,
my tweets, my e-mails,
my voicemail,
my Facebook messages...
Do you think
he'll tell his father?
No, he wouldn't do that.
What about Danny?
Do you think he'll
tell the authorities?
- He'd never.
- How do you know?
Danny hates authority.
I'm gonna go to his class
so he has to confront me.
- Are you mad at me?
- Don't go away.
- Huh? What?
- Really?
- Yeah.
How do you like
them apples?
Garlic?
You were afraid of it
the other night.
Yeah, because
I've always hated garlic.
Can we please just
talk about this?
- My father tried to warn me.
- Against what?
I have never harmed a human
being or a domestic animal
my entire life.
Oh, so you didn't go after me
'cause I'm a Van Helsing?
No. If anything,
I would've stayed away.
Besides, if I wanted
to drink your blood,
would I have written you
this 10-page report
on Freud and his influence
on surrealist imagery?
How do I know
you wrote this for me?
Because I also wrote one
on World War I
and how it gave birth
to Surrealism.
Actually, I like
that one better.
Oh, you do?
So now you trust me, huh?
I trust you to give yourself
the better grade.
I don't blame you.
You know
I would never hurt you, right?
Yeah.
Well, then what is it?
Is it the day thing?
Do you want to have a girlfriend
you can go hiking with
and go to the beach?
No, I'm... I'm more of
a night person.
Is it the blood, then?
- You wanna try new restaurants?
- No, I'm not much of a foodie.
So what is it?
I hate it when
my parents are right.
Okay, now open.
Thank you!
You know what? I'm sorry.
No, no, no, no.
I shouldn't be dumping
all this on you.
Fine. Yay!
Come on,
just sign the petition.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Here you go.
Right there.
- Ooh.
- Hey, Renfield. Come on in.
- Hey. How are you, Goody?
Jesus.
- Hey, Renfield.
- Hey, how are you?
- Do you mind if I smoke?
- Yes.
But... I mean,
this can't bother you.
It bothers me
if you're hurting yourself.
Well, then awaken me.
It doesn't work that way.
You're an accountant.
Do the math.
If every infected person
fed on or infected
the rest of the people,
the entire population would've
eaten itself off the planet
Iong before Christ
was even born.
Only a stem
can turn someone.
Is that the sweater
Tepish knit you?
Mm-hmm. It would be impolite
not to wear it.
And it goes with everything.
Wait till you see the one
he's making you.
Okay, people.
This is an amazing event.
Except for Cisserus,
we have all the stems
from the tri-state area.
- Vadim the Russian,
- Ukrainian.
- Ashwan from Kush.
- Hi, Ashwan.
- Ghuri, the Turkish stem.
- Hi, Ghuri.
Yuppa, yuppa.
I'd like to start by asking,
how many of you
have gotten subpoenas?
Excuse me.
Why do not
we just eat the lawyers?
You crazy.
We can't eat all the lawyers.
Why not?
Let's just say eating lawyers
is out of the question.
- I know you can sense
that we have
day players among us.
This is my granddaughter,
Sarah.
- Hi, Sarah.
- And this is our friend Renfield.
He's a CPA so he can help
with the IRS stuff.
And I understand
we have a lawyer here.
You absolutely do.
How you doin?
My name is Danny.
- Hi, Danny.
- And I'm from the ACLU.
From what I understand,
you can't be forced out
during the day and you don't
want anyone to molest
your resting places.
But the government can enter
your home any time they want
because of the Patriot Act.
See what's going down now
is that all your cell phones
and your iPhones
and all the computers
are helping them find you.
So I urge you not to use
any of your electronic devices.
How will we do anything?
How do we even stay in touch
with each other?
I used to write things down.
- Oh, yeah. Like in a datebook.
- Right.
But I need my computer
to tell me sunrise and sunset.
Oh, I can tell everyone that
on my almanac.
Under "Sky Watch,"
it's got phases of the moon,
high tide, sunrise and sunset,
and... good Lord!
What?
What is it?
Total eclipse of the sun
in two weeks.
Hold on, hold on.
Too bad that wasn't
the exact time of our summons.
If we had face time,
we could use hypnotism.
No, why? That wouldn't
make any difference.
Couldn't we just change
the times of the appointments?
Yeah. We could get you
completely eliminated
from their system.
We could delete and change
everything
in their computers.
You know,
I can see why
you have sworn off
human blood.
Awesome.
Do you want to join?
How would you ladies
like to be my wives?
Eat me.
- All right.
- Not literally.
Oh, are you okay?
You were sick yesterday, too.
Look what I got you.
- Pure pharmaceutical grade.
Oh, but they're so cute.
They're not like vermin.
They could be somebody's pets. Hi!
I figured they wouldn't
make you sick.
It's nothing.
I'm fine.
It's just when I get up.
Quit futzing.
We have to go.
Oh, don't start with me.
- Drop waists are coming back.
- Yeah, says who?
I saw a picture
of Keira Knightley in one.
Yeah, right.
That's because
Keira Knightley's in a movie.
- Ha, look at you!
- I know.
This was
my college interview outfit.
Were you trying
for a football scholarship?
Ha-ha. It's the only thing
I have that looks respectful.
- Whoa, check it out.
- I know, it's crazy.
Mom, look!
I've never seen it before.
Don't look
directly at it, honey.
Wow, I totally forgot
what it was like.
It's an entirely
different world.
Oh, so many women.
Have a nice day.
Come on, everybody. Let's go.
We only have two hours.
Hey, so do you know
where we're going?
You will do what
my accountant says.
It's CPA.
Okay, this is Ghuri.
This is file number 318.
This Vlad Tepish.
He was granted asylum in, um...
Currently married
to a US citizen.
Well, four.
Yeah, that's okay.
Child of
an American fiance.
For an adjustment
of status.
A student visa so
he can matriculate at UCLA.
Go Bruins.
Yeah.
Stacy Daimer is unable to perform
jury duty obligations.
Unable to perform
jury duty obligations.
- In fact, I'll just delete them.
- Just delete them.
Put the deleted names
in the trash.
Deleted names in trash.
- Empty the trash.
- Empty the trash.
Ask the IT guy
to remove the hard drive.
- Go, go, go!
- Excuse us, coming through!
Joey!
Yeah!
Let me see. Open.
Hold it up.
Hold it up.
Aw, beautiful color.
They're having the book launch
party for The Situation
right now on 10th.
What do you say?
- Ugh.
- Not worth the candle.
We're happy here.
Every A-lister in New York
will be there.
You can have
whoever you want.
Mm.
You get tired of that.
Oh, I like this song.
- You wanna dance.
- Yeah, do you?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Aren't you gonna dance?
Me?
I don't think so.
- I'm not very good, no.
- Yes, you are.
- I remember.
- Yeah, but I don't remember.
- Do you sleep with henchmen?
Joey had to go.
His dad is bugging out.
- Problems at work, no doubt.
Hmm.
Wonder who that could be.
Oh, isn't it insane?
I was dating for 25 years
and I've never imagined to feel
this way about somebody.
What about
you and Danny?
Mm, I never stopped
loving him.
But his wife's sick so there's
no even thinking about it.
I'm just happy around him.
Reminds me
of being hopeful.
But how great would it be
if we both had relationships?
I mean,
wouldn't it be so cool...
Mott Street.
Mott Street.
Oh!
What is she doing
back so soon?
I guess things didn't
work out with Diego.
- Ugh.
- She's in Chinatown.
God, just when things
were going so well.
Mm.
Oh... oh, God.
I've never seen
real dead people.
What did you do?
You know how it is
when you eat Chinese.
Half an hour later
you're hungry again.
How could you?
Oh, I just can't
stop eating.
I'm so depressed.
Why didn't he like me?
I am so much more bomb-ass
than his girlfriend.
Maybe she wasn't
a homicidal maniac.
Maybe.
This is disgusting!
I know.
I could so easily
hate myself.
But just because
you overdid it one day,
doesn't mean
you have to be bad all weekend.
- What's wrong with him?
Finish him off,
will ya?
I said kill him.
You really can't kill.
You guys are so useless.
Forget it.
Hey, can I have
a fortune cookie, at least?
That was way too close.
And I didn't put in rollers.
I'm gonna have
coffin hair tomorrow.
I know.
Goody, I don't think I can
do anything like that again.
Me either.
The world changes,
we have to adapt.
These violent old ways
don't make
any sense anymore.
But she won't listen.
- She's insane.
- Oh, tell me about it.
Tepish, is there
anything like a...
Sanguine's doctor?
Stacy is sick.
That's impossible.
We don't get sick.
That's what I thought, but every night
when we get up, she vomits.
Just how old was she
when she was awakened?
And I assume
there is a boyfriend.
- Why?
She's not sick.
She's pregnant.
So she can have a baby?
No, the pregnancy
will end by itself.
Unless she turns back.
Like, if Cisserus dies?
Cisserus.
Don't you worry, hmm?
Stacy will be just fine
in about a week.
They notified us
about a patient having seizures
who had a double puncture wound.
When I asked who checked him in,
I went back to
their surveillance cameras.
- Where's the body?
- Mount Sinai.
- Tell them we're coming.
- Mm-hmm.
All right,
sit down, listen to me.
Now, I know
you think I'm crazy,
but you have to do
something for me.
Sure.
Carry this with you
at all times.
- What?
- This is how you load it.
Only use the silver bullets.
Only use them on what?
Stacy?
Just keep it with you.
Don't give me any shit.
When a problem comes along,
like hunger, you must whip it.
It says this guy's a comic?
He's not even funny.
I've never seen him
in anything.
What's on?
"Assholes Insult People
More Talented Than Them."
"The Excessively '80s
Countdown."
Oh, show Goody.
Oh.
So my father decided
to give me this.
Hmm.
That's weird.
Oh, careful.
It's got silver bullets in it.
What's he thinking?
He's got more paranoid
since he saw the footage
from the hospital.
What footage?
This guy just seemed to fly
from a cab to the front door.
I'm such an idiot.
Why didn't I look
for surveillance cameras?
- Wait a minute, you...
- No, no. We didn't do anything.
It was...
it was our stem, Cisserus.
She's a monster.
She's gonna louse it up
for all of us.
Don't trip.
We'll talk to Tepish.
Oh, I saw him after work
and he said
you'll be feeling better soon.
You're just pregnant.
- What?
- I'm pregnant?
- We're gonna have a baby.
I'm pregnant!
Oh, my God!
Oh, I can't believe this.
I'm pregnant?
You want a baby?
Well...
yeah.
I'm over 40. How many more
chances am I gonna get?
And besides,
I'll make a kick-ass father.
All right.
Forget cell phones,
forget iPhones,
forget PowerBooks,
forget iPads.
Yay.
Now I can do
everything I want
with my iPad Mini.
That looks just like your phone.
But it doesn't make calls.
I got my tweets,
I got my e-mails,
I got my friends,
I got my alerts, I got...
So as the day progresses,
you can read
thousands
of unsolicited messages,
advertisements, and the mindless
brain vomit of acquaintances?
Someone sounds hormonal.
Maybe you're pregnant, too!
So annoying.
You have to keep
learning to use new crap
that doesn't actually
do anything better
than the old crap, which is
incompatible with the new crap,
all so you can have blogs
and watch fake teenagers
and real housewives?
And it's all happening
too fast
and I'm tired.
I'm just sick
and tired of it all.
It's okay.
We don't have to get
the iPad Minis.
No, I'm sorry...
Look. Only a couple stations,
but they had Groucho Marx.
No, that's not Groucho.
Groucho was
the mustache guy.
Yeah, he had glasses and a cigar.
Yeah, a cigar and glasses.
You'll split $25 between you.
Are you ready?
- Yes.
- Who is buried in Grant's Tomb?
Were people
really that stupid?
No, that's what he'd ask
when he felt bad
and wanted to give 'em
a few bucks.
Is Grant's Tomb
in New York?
- No. No.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Have any of you
ever been there?
- No.
- No.
- That's it.
- What?
God, the place
no New Yorker ever goes.
Of course, Cisserus would
want a monument.
And it's gota tomb
Oh, my God.
You're probably right.
Come on.
- Show me again.
- Yeah, here.
I guess I totally can tell,
but it's...
it's like, I don't know.
I always thought you'd be
the first one to have a baby.
Is that weird?
- But now that it's happening...
- Listen.
You have to decide something
independent of me or Joey.
This baby won't survive
in your condition.
If you want it,
you have to turn back.
How does that even...
Cisserus would have
to be killed.
That's right.
I'd be in my '40s.
But I'd be a mom.
- You'd be older, too.
- I know.
I can't decide
for the both of us.
How do you feel about
not being young anymore?
Which part...
running around to clubs
and dating idiots?
Would be nice not to
have to fake all the references.
- Ugh.
- Like acting nostalgic over
"Hey, Arnold" instead of
"Happy Days."
Not to mention
the slang, "BTW."
And the clothes
and the music.
Staying young is getting old.
Plus, we'll have a baby.
What are we even talking about?
We can't kill Cisserus.
She's lasted hundreds of years.
But that's because
nobody knew where she was.
But she's very sturdy.
And let's face it,
we're wimps.
Yeah, but she's sloppy.
And conceited.
And we'll call in
the heavy-hitters.
Who?
Your future father-in-law.
I just have to do
one thing first.
You said for a little more time,
you'd do anything.
- Did you mean it?
- Of course, but what can I do?
Would you change your schedule
and stay up later
and promise to let her
only have animals?
Now, wait a minute.
Can you keep her alive?
- Not exactly alive.
- But not dead?
I can't but he can.
- It's up to you.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I can't lose her.
I need privacy to do this.
- Ah.
That's enough.
It doesn't take that long.
Your wife is very sweet.
- Yeah.
- So, uh...
I am just wondering,
are you guys
getting along, or, uh...
any chance of breaking up
in the future?
Danny.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Come on, open up.
- Who's there?
- I'm a friend of your son.
- I wanna help you.
- You want to help me?
I've got some news
for you, Grandpa.
Did you say Grandpa?
I thought all victims
turned into vampires or died.
I've never heard of anyone
turning back.
Well, I've never known
anyone firsthand.
But apparently,
if you're young enough...
those are useless on a stem.
Are you really sure this isn't just
Joey's rebelliousness?
I mean,
do they seem serious?
Well, I've never seen Stacy
like this before.
And he's so excited
to be a dad.
I believe
they really are in love.
When did you awaken?
I survived a feeding
and begged her to turn me.
You wanted
to become a vampire?
It was the lesser
of two infections.
In 1840, there was
an epidemic of cholera
in lower Manhattan.
It was a painful
and degrading death.
My husband and sisters
had all passed.
But, miraculously,
my children were fine.
Not to be indelicate,
but I had digestive rumblings
that I knew were
the early symptoms,
and orphans did not fare well
in those days.
So did your kids survive?
My son lived
to the ripe old age of 63.
And my daughter
married Peter Meester,
and lived to be 99.
Unprecedented at the time.
Well, not many elderly people
had strong young mothers
to look out for them.
After the grandchildren,
it would've been hard
to stay in their lives
and not scare them.
- Did you get that?
- Got it.
You know, the only surefire
way is to behead her.
Everything else might
just piss her off.
And when Cisserus is dead,
Stacy will be a normal girl.
Normal for Stacy.
But, what happens
to you, then?
I saved my kids.
Let's go save yours.
Here you go.
Here's your family tree.
Your living descendants.
A great-great-great-great grandson.
A drug addict.
Incarcerated.
Four doctors.
One in Doctors Without Borders.
Two professors,
four teachers,
and in the House
of Representatives,
Jane Rutherford,
who chairs several committees.
She looks like you.
Thank you.
All right,
leave the guns.
Bring the axes,
hatchets, blades.
All right, let's go get
this dried up bitch.
Well, I don't go
to those places much, either.
But it just shows you can meet
someone really nice.
Well, I never go
to those places, so...
I can't believe
I met you, though.
- You are beautiful.
- You're so sweet.
- Would you like to sit?
- Oh, would I?
- Nice here.
- Isn't it?
Oh.
Isn't your wife
worried about
where you are so late?
She's on a trip and what she
don't know won't hurt her.
Aren't you a bad boy?
I can be very bad.
So what does a dirty boy
like you do for a living?
I'm a dentist.
You're a dentist?
What a lucky break.
Because I have something
I'm really concerned about.
Can I show you?
I've never seen anything
like that in my...
- Oh, no! No!
Run!
Get out of here!
You asshole.
Let's go.
You bad girls.
I am very
disappointed in you.
After all
I've done for you,
this is how you pay me back?
Are you okay?
Who treats
their stem like this?
Those needed gunpowder!
Duck!
Oh, my God.
We did it.
No. You guys, we have
to get her into the tomb.
- Help me.
- Okay, okay.
Argh.
When did my ass
get so flat?
Can I just say... ow!
Wait... what are we gonna do
about the body?
Oh, it'll die in a minute.
Where were you?
What? You asked me
to get a chainsaw.
I get halfway here
and realize it needs gasoline.
Do you know where to get gasoline
at 4:00 in the morning?
Why didn't you get it
where you got the saw?
Because I thought
you plugged them in.
What am I, a lumberjack?
In the forest,
you're plugging things in?
- Yes, like a hairdryer or a...
- Joey!
- Come on, come on!
Come on! Come on!
I don't believe this.
- Hurry!
- Hurry.
Okay, close it.
- Whoa.
- Okay, let's go.
You feel anything?
No.
Wait.
That's it?
You've aged 20 years?
Well, I didn't drink, smoke,
do drugs, or sunbathe.
Oh, well, maybe your genes
just aren't as good.
But with Botox
and laser resurfacing...
Don't tell me you lied
about your age.
Oh, come on.
Who the hell names their kid
Goody anymore?
You won't get
any older, will you?
It's okay.
I've been around
long enough.
I'm tired.
I should've known.
Every time I turned on
the History Channel,
all I saw was stuff
about Hitler.
Don't be sad. I was gonna go
into the sun before I met you.
You showed me
how to have fun.
Is there anything you want?
Yes.
I don't wanna be here.
I want to be
in the center of things.
Let's go.
You all right?
You all right?
How do you feel?
Hungry.
How about one of those
pretzel things?
Joey, can you go get
one of those pretzel things?
- Of course.
- Thanks.
Goody. Goody.
Oh, my God.
Oh!
Hey, I saw that.
What? She looked at me.
I wasn't doing anything.
Need I remind you
that I gave you
- the best years of my life?
- Best years of my life.
Yeah, and I'm not talking
five, 10 years here.
We're talking infinity.
Do you have any idea
what that's like?
I'm starting to get an idea.
All right, Goody. Watch this.
Too frightening.
Is it too frightening?
Bleh!
Well, you got
Grandpa that time.