1
(SILENCE)
(SINISTER MUSIC)
And that's why I don't
think a woman should ever
have a man as a roommate.
He was so nasty.
I just had to get the
hell out of there.
I mean, one time he wanted
to put his junk in my...
Squirt Locker.
You never heard
of the Squirt Locker?
You know, you need to
start watching some quality
entertainment.
So check it, it stars this
girl, Anita Humpalot, as a...
Whore for the Reptoids.
Yeah, the Reptoids.
Forget the Illuminati.
It's the Reptoids that
really run the show,
but let me tell you
something, not on my watch.
Ah, I wouldn't expect you to
understand.
(CREEPY MUSIC)
Those bastards
think they can just...
Shit all over my place.
Girl, I said, "Mm-mm,"
because I wasn't having that.
Then he had the nerve to
try to put his hands on me.
Fool even tried to
get me to do...
Tentacle porn.
I'm really into tentacle porn.
You know, alotofsquid.com,
let me tell you something,
that's some real
mind-blowing stuff there.
I'd be glad to show you.
(LAUGHS)
Just don't expect
me to use any...
Protection!
You have to know how
to defend yourself
when invasion begins.
(SHADOWY MUSIC)
Hand-to-hand combat,
grappling,
with the right technique,
you could really
fuck somebody up.
One time this
werewolf tried to...
Punch my tits.
I blocked that shit
like Jackie Chang.
I was like, "Wah!"
And then I got him in
a headlock and went...
(GRUNTING)
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
Yeah.
Yeah!
Oh I knew she liked it,
but you want to know
what she was really into?
Vampires.
They're real.
(CREEPY MUSIC)
You know what?
EVERYONE: You kind
of look like a vampire.
I am a vampire, duh!
(DARK TECHNO MUSIC)
(GASPS)
SAM: Seriously, Simone?
You are such an asshole!
SAM: Good luck
finding a roommate
with that crap on
your face, you freak.
SIMONE: Whatever.
Speaking of roommates...
I don't want to talk about it.
Besides, Bloodlust is coming on.
Holy shit, Simone,
when are you gonna grow out
of this vampire bullshit?
Most people want to grow
up and be, like, doctors
or like, lawyers
or like, a lesbian, but...
Why don't you shut
the fuck up?
I mean, why are you
even here anyway?
Shouldn't you be outside
getting rejected by high
school freshmen or something?
Not on Tuesdays, Simone.
Tuesdays are dedicated to
spending time with my twin sis.
Knock it off.
What the fuck?
Bloodlust is on hiatus,
dumbass.
So they play this shit?
You wanted vampires.
Please, you hate this
crap as much as I do.
(EERIE ROCK MUSIC)
Hi.
You must be Simone.
I'm Ashlee.
Well, Ashlee with two E's,
although my dad thought my
mom was, like, a total freak
when she named me that.
They live in L.A.
That's where I'm from.
Actually, I was born in Memphis.
I was there last year
for a tryout.
- Hey!
- Hey.
I'm Sam, I'm Simone's brother.
Come on in.
ASHLEE: Thank you.
Yeah, good luck
with that, buddy.
Yeah, just have
a seat right here.
Make yourself comfortable.
OMG, you guys look
exactly alike.
Yeah, we're like twins.
Fraternal.
Aw, how cute.
I once knew these
twins back in L.A.
but they were sisters,
Tammy and Terry.
Well, they weren't twins.
Actually, they weren't
even sisters,
more like BFFs,
until Tammy stole
Terry's boyfriend
and then they stopped talking.
That was so sad.
So,
can I get you anything to drink?
We actually just ran out.
Ran out of what?
Everything.
Can I get you some water?
Tap water, no ice.
No, thank you.
So this place is really nice.
It's way nicer than the last
place I went.
And then I got stopped
by this perv
who tried to get me to do
tentacle porn.
Gross.
So what's with all of this?
Huh?
Oh, I just came from a tryout.
Like, OMG, like, you're a
cheerleader?
Yes!
Well, I'm working on
that, not exactly yet.
Do you, like, have a job?
Well duh.
How else am I gonna
pay for an apartment?
Did I just smell an attitude?
Hey!
Can I talk to you
alone for a second?
You just, you just wait
right here, okay, don't move.
Just, uh, practice
your cheering.
Britney!
SAM: What is the
matter with you?
- Can't you say...
- I don't want to hear it!
- This is...
- Shh!
Shh yourself!
Why do you have to be so rude?
She's a guest.
Like I care.
Look at her.
How do you expect me to...
Hello?
What?
Do you honestly think
you have a chance with her?
No, you listen to me,
I'm not gonna let you fuck
this up for me, all right?
For you?
This is about...
Finding a roommate, yeah,
okay, yeah, real successful.
How many have you turned down?
Well?
32?
Are you smoking crack?
How do you expect to make rent?
Fine, but you're
gonna be the one
that's gonna show her around.
Do I have to?
Yes.
Guess who gets
to show you around?
(POP MUSIC)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
That was pretty cool, Marcus.
Did you enjoy the pierogis?
Oh yeah, they were
really good.
Yeah.
Mine was very delicious.
On the inside was
Saskatoon berries.
Mm, just like Mom
used to make.
She's up there, Vin.
Who, your mom?
What the fuck?
No, man, not my mom.
The vampire.
Oh.
So did you bring
the silver bullets?
Silver bullets?
Silver bullets only
work on werewolves.
Nah, man.
If I shot you with a
silver bullet, you'd die.
No.
I, I mean, yeah, I would
die, but she wouldn't.
But you just said it
only works on werewolves.
That's just not true.
Not today.
VIN: Huh?
Not today, Vin.
Don't start with me, man.
This is serious.
I could get killed.
These vampires,
they're very crafty.
They leave traps
all around their crypts.
Even during the
day they're dangerous.
I bet her brother
helps her like Renfield.
I bet they didn't teach you
shit like that back in Kenya.
Let's get out of here.
I gotta feed Mr. Fluffy.
(RELAXED ROCK MUSIC)
Didn't you just move
in like two hours ago?
Mm-hmm.
Like it?
Uh,
sure.
Come in.
No, I, uh...
All right, fine.
Don't you just
love Hello Kitty?
Oh, (LAUGHS) fuck this.
- No, wait!
- Ow!
ASHLEE: Oh my god,
I'm so sorry.
What's the matter with you?
I just moved here and
I don't have any friends
and I was just...
And you expect me to
feel bad for you, right?
No.
But ever since we met, I just
knew we could be friends.
(SIMONE LAUGHS)
Okay, (LAUGHS) I'm a vampire.
You're into Twilight.
Just give me a chance, please.
Look, I have dealt
with your kind
all throughout high school
and beyond.
You're besties up until you
get into a trendy clique
that just absorbs you
and you leave me behind.
You know what?
Why don't you just stay
the hell away from me?
Ugh!
(BROODING MUSIC)
(VIGOROUS ROCK MUSIC)
(MEOWING)
(PHONE RINGS)
(MEOWING)
Yeah, Vin?
Okay, I'll be out in a minute.
(MEOWING)
Shut the fuck up, Mr. Fluffy!
(MEOWING)
(DETERMINED ROCK MUSIC)
(TICKING)
(SPOOKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
(GASPS)
Great.
Now I am a lesbian.
You're such an asshole, Sam.
(GLOOMY MUSIC)
(SHADOWY MUSIC)
MARCUS: I might not
make it out alive, Vin.
What?
(SPOOKY MUSIC)
I said I might not
make it out alive.
So?
What am I supposed to do with
this coupon?
Would you knock it off?
You have no idea what's
going on here.
All these people are
in grave danger.
All right, man, I get it.
But did you have to
throw my coupons out?
Obviously, you don't get it.
I've been hunting these
things for years.
I never thought I'd actually
find one, but here we are.
I could finally prove
to the world
that I was right all along.
It sounds pretty
dangerous, Marcus.
Maybe someone
should go with you.
(DANGEROUS MUSIC)
No, Vin.
This is too dangerous for you.
What?
I didn't mean me.
And besides, why are
you doing this at night?
Isn't she awake?
Yeah.
This way she'll never
see me coming.
Now you look, Vin.
If I don't make it out alive,
you take Mr. Fluffy
and you leave, okay?
You go as far away
from here as possible.
Fine, but if you
make it out alive,
want to hit the mall?
(IRRITATED MUSIC)
Aw, come on.
J.C. Penney's having a
two-for-one sale.
Pray for me, Vin.
(MESSENGER DINGS)
Hello?
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
Hello?
Ashlee?
(VEILED MUSIC)
(SIMONE GASPS)
(WRATHFUL TECHNO MUSIC)
(SIMONE SCREAMS)
MARCUS: Prepare to be freed
from your sexy corpse shell,
spawn of Beelzebub.
What?
I said, prepare to be freed
from your sexy corpse shell,
spawn of Beelzebub.
Oh my god, I'm not a vampire!
I'm not a vampire!
I swear to god,
I'm not a vampire!
Where are you?
(ASHLEE SCREAMS)
(WILD ROCK MUSIC)
(SQUISHY SLURPING)
(HAUNTING MUSIC)
Oh hi, can we like
be friends now?
(SCARY MUSIC)
(SIMONE SCREAMS)
No, wait!
No, no!
Oh my god, I'm so sorry!
Are you okay?
I didn't mean to hurt you!
Please, say something!
I'm really scared, Simone!
I've never bit a person before!
Well, except for my ex,
but he kind of liked it!
And then there was that
one time in 3rd grade
when I bit Charlie Parker,
but that was only because
he said I had the cooties!
Okay, okay,
just stop it, please.
Can you please wipe
that shit off your face?
ASHLEE: Oh.
I'm a total mess.
What about him?
Oh.
He's not gonna turn.
I have to give him my...
Well, at least that's
what happened
when that jerk turned me.
Ugh, I don't even want to
think about that right now.
Uh-huh.
So like, are we gonna
be friends or not?
I mean, we can't be roomies
without being friends.
Friends?
You just ripped the face off
of that 300-pound gorilla
like a freak on bath salts!
Hey, I didn't rip
off his face.
Besides, I thought you'd
be into that kind of stuff.
Are you kidding me?
That guy just tried
to impale me!
That's what happens when
you're a vampire, duh.
Well I'm not a vampire, okay?
As a matter of fact, I'm having
a real identity crisis here.
I mean, I thought that
I was something special,
like something set me apart
from the rest of the sheeple,
you know?
All these years I've
identified myself as a vampire.
(EERIE MUSIC)
(MUFFLED SPEAKING)
Hello?
Earth to Ashlee!
OMG, this room
is like a total mess.
And who the hell is this guy?
What the hell is he doing here?
Oh my god, he's kind of cute.
Did I just say that out loud?
Are you okay?
I don't know, I don't
know, I don't know!
My head is numb and my
tongue is all swollen.
What the hell is
wrong with you?
(PERPLEXED MUSIC)
Oh shit, oh shit,
oh shit, oh shit!
That's why this is happening!
Is that what I think it is?
It's gotta be!
It's in his blood!
It's making my brain all
(RAPID WHOOSHING)
Okay, um, I think
you need some chai.
It'll soothe you.
- I'll go get some.
- No!
I only drink blood, okay?
Gross, I never thought
I'd hear myself say that.
Wait a minute.
What about some pure blood?
That'll clear you up, right?
I guess.
I don't know!
This never happened
to me before!
How about that?
That looks yummy, right?
Yeah.
I know you need that fix.
I can tell.
(STRANGE MUSIC)
Ew!
As if!
Hey, there's nothing
wrong with my blood!
It's not like I have STDs!
It's not that, okay?
I'm not gonna bite
you and that's final.
Well why not?
I'm supposed to be a vampire!
I've been dreaming
of a moment like this
all of my life!
Fine, since I was 14, okay?
My grandma took me to go
see Bram Stoker's Dracula
at a matinee and...
Wait, you were 14?
What was she,
a freak or something?
Hey, don't make fun of her!
Besides, she was Romanian.
See, I'm supposed
to be a vampire.
Hold on a minute, Simone.
You're just, you're just
messing with my head right now.
Okay, just a minute ago you
were trying to run away from me.
Well I'm over it, got it?
And you better not tell
anybody about that.
Well I'm not gonna
turn you, okay?
Why not?
You just don't understand.
I mean, I don't even
have a life anymore!
Of course not, you're
a member of the undead.
No!
They didn't say anything
like this in Twilight!
That's because
Twilight is bullshit!
(FOOTSTEPS WALKING)
What?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(SIMONE GASPS)
- Whoa!
- Sam,
what the hell are
you doing here?
I was at the
party down the street.
I'm so drunk.
No no, you can't be here!
You have to leave!
Why is it so dark in here?
It must be the breaker!
See, I fixed it.
Right on, yeah.
How the hell?
Hey.
Hey, who's that?
Uh, hi!
- Hey.
- Hi!
- Hey.
- Um, I like your hair.
You do?
Yeah, can I touch it?
I thought you'd never ask.
Whoa, what are you doing?
Your hair, can I
touch your hair?
Oh, yeah, my hair, yeah.
(SAM LAUGHS)
Ow ow ow ow ow!
- Ashlee!
- Ow ow ow ow!
- Let go!
- Ow ow ow ow!
That was cool.
Whoa, a dead guy!
Did you do this?
No, no.
Yeah, you did.
I can tell, you did this.
No!
Now look what you did.
Is she a vampire?
You think?
That makes her like
20 times fucking hotter.
Stop being a douche, Sam.
Now I have to go
and deal with her.
What about him?
What about him?
Well, we can't just
leave him here.
No shit, Sherlock!
I have to go upstairs
and grab Ashlee,
so she can help lug his
gargantuan ass out of here.
But she's only like
three feet fucking tall.
Yo, she's a vampire.
She's the one who kicked
his ass in the first place.
Well, who is he?
I don't know.
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
According to this, his
name is Marcus Denning.
This asshole tried to kill me.
He tried to kill you?
Did you call the cops?
No, Sam, I can't
call the cops.
They'll just come
and arrest Ashlee.
(CREEPY MUSIC)
Yeah, well this
asshole's dead.
(EERIE MUSIC)
(KNOCKING ON THE DOOR)
Just leave me alone!
OMG, my voice.
Ashlee?
Sweetie?
Would you let me in?
ASHLEE: I'm not
gonna bite you!
Just leave me alone!
Look, forget about
all that, okay!
We have a dead
guy in the living room,
and if we don't
do something about it,
we're gonna be
in a heap of shit!
(HAUNTING MUSIC)
Peanut butter
And some jelly
Put together
In my belly
What the fuck kind
of bread is this?
Oh.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Hey, over here!
What?
I'm so sorry.
There, that better?
It's
fine.
Look, I know you're having
some issues right now,
but you've gotta get a grip.
We have a dead,
coked-out vampire hunter
in the living room
and we have to deal with it.
I've never killed
someone before!
Ashlee, we don't have
time to sit and brood.
We've gotta get rid of that
body or we will all get screwed!
(LAUGHS) That rhymed.
Ashlee, you have to focus!
Please, focus!
(LAUGHS) Okay!
Okay.
Are you sure?
Yeah, okay.
Okay.
What?!
I didn't say anything!
Not you!
Where the fuck is Sam, the body?
ASHLEE AND SIMONE: Oh my god!
("AMERICAN HEBREW"
BY DAVIS ABSOLUTE)
MARCUS: So what's
your name, kid?
Uh, Sam.
Well Sam, I'm Marcus.
Glad to make your acquaintance.
So you're not gonna kill me,
right, man?
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
What have you done with Sam?
I swear to god,
if you've hurt my brother,
I will kill you.
Are you finished, wannabe?
Now shut up and listen!
Sam's right here safe and sound,
and if you want it to
stay that way,
you'll bring pompoms to
the old Tesla factory
in an hour and a half.
Oh, and Vampirella,
if I catch a whiff of
bacon, your brother's dead.
Do you hear me?
Fucking dead!
What did he say?
He has Sam.
He said if we call the
cops, he's gonna kill him!
Oh my god, poor Sam.
This is your damn fault!
If you hadn't gone around
biting all those dogs,
he wouldn't be looking
for goddamn vampires!
Simone, how could you say
that?
What was I supposed to do?
Go around hurting people?
It's not like I even
killed any of those dogs!
That's not the point!
You led him directly to me!
Now he has Sam.
Now I don't know
what the hell to do!
(PHONE RINGS)
Is that your phone?
(HIDDEN MUSIC)
It's Vin.
SIMONE: Who the hell is Vin?
I don't know.
Who are you?
Where's Marcus, bitch?
What the hell are you doing?
Would you make
up your mind, Simone?
You idiot!
Give me that.
Oh my god.
Now he knows my name!
You idiot!
(ASHLEE CRIES)
Stop it!
Okay, okay, wait a minute.
This guy doesn't know that
that Marcus asshole
isn't here, right?
How am I supposed to know?
Hello?
GAMER KID: You suck!
Shut up, idiot!
What?
Not you.
Where's Marcus?
Well your psycho friend is all
coked up,
passed out on my floor.
GAMER KID: You're the best
at dying.
Shut the hell up.
No, it's true, dammit!
Not you.
Well you better come
pick up your friend
or I'm gonna have
you both arrested.
GAMER KID: You should
change your gamer tag
to BulletMagnet.
You should kiss my curry ass.
What did you just say?
Uh, aren't you
the vampire chick?
Yes.
I mean, no.
Wait.
You know about all this?
Well, sorta.
What do you mean sorta?
Well, I'm the one that
dropped him over there.
You what?
That crazy bastard
almost killed me.
GAMER KID: Hey, have you
ever played this game before?
Because my little sister
can beat your butt.
Oh yeah?
Yes!
Vin, this isn't a joke.
GAMER KID: Hey,
that's not fair!
(LAUGHS) That's what you
get for being a little bitch.
SIMONE: What?
Not you.
Look, Vin, I don't know
what your problem is,
but your buddy over here
tried to ram a goddamn
stake through my chest.
Whoa, he was
serious about that?
Yes, he was serious about
that, and I'm serious too.
If you don't come here
within the next 20 minutes
to pick up your, your friend,
I'm gonna have
you both arrested.
(GUNS FIRING ON GAME)
GAMER KID: Ha ha, you lose.
Aw, come on.
GAMER KID: You suck.
Does your mom know
you talk like that?
GAMER KID: Does your mom
know you pretend to be a man?
So, listen, Doc,
I gotta tell you,
that specialist you see,
he ain't gonna help you.
I have a much better idea.
Yeah yeah.
Switch it to multi-player,
will you?
VIN: All right.
Oh by the way, this was a
great idea,
spending $300 on a PlayStation
How the hell was I supposed to
know
that your entire clientele
consists of 75-year-old widows?
(VIN LAUGHS)
Shut up, Vin.
Oh, don't be so blue, doc.
(LAUGHS) Blue, that's funny.
(LAUGHS) Yeah!
(LAUGHS) Ah.
Seriously, you know, that
animal's back.
Bit a few dogs over in
Surly Park last night.
I heard it was some meth head.
No no no, I treated
those dogs myself.
They're way different
from last year's attack.
And it definitely wasn't
human bite marks, for sure.
TODD: Oh really?
Well, I'm done.
Yeah, (LAUGHS) that's because
I'm just kicking your ass.
No, I have to pick Marcus
up at his girl's place.
Wait, that freak
has a girlfriend?
(LAUGHS) Yeah,
into some freaky vampire shit.
Oh really?
VIN: Yeah.
Hey, uh, door's that way, man.
Can a guy go take a piss?
You know what, man?
This fucking sucks.
What are you talking about?
This is the most action
you got all week.
Yeah, that may be, but
I gotta cut out of here.
Where are you going?
TODD: Well, I thought you
wanted me
to do your website for you.
Oh yeah, what's the
name of that?
FilthyFurries.com.
Soon as I get home, I'm
gonna email you all the info.
All right, get out
of here, man.
TODD: (laughs) All right,
man, see you tomorrow.
(SPOOKY MUSIC)
MARCUS: How does that feel?
You okay, yeah?
(SAM CRIES OUT)
What the hell did you
do that for, asshole?
Because you're my prisoner.
I gotta keep you in line.
I'm all tied up.
I can't do shit to you.
Besides, I thought you
were like the good guy.
Look at me.
I am a good guy.
Yeah, well good guys
don't go around
smacking the shit out
of their prisoners, man.
Fine, fine.
No, it's not fine!
That shit hurt like hell!
Quit your whining, kid.
Yeah, well, like the
least you could do is like
apologize or something.
For what?
You almost knocked
my head off!
The least you could
do is apologize!
I am not apologizing
for anything, buddy.
Well see, you are a bad guy.
Look.
I am not the bad guy.
Your little hot cheerleader
girlfriend, she's the bad guy.
You tried to kill my sister!
Besides, Ashlee
ain't like that, man.
She's the sweetest,
most innocent...
Psycho vampire bitch!
No, she's not, man.
She's the most incredible
girl in the whole world.
You don't know what the hell
you're talking about, kid.
Those things like your
girlfriend,
they're bloodthirsty
Satan spawn freaks!
And they'll stop at nothing
short of the destruction of
humanity!
Just when we're on the
brink of extinction.
Then what?
What happens after?
Oh man.
Hello?
Anyone home, man?
(DEMENTED MUSIC)
Then what?
That's when they herd
the rest of us like cattle
and breed us on blood farms.
Yeah, blood farms.
It's coming.
Oh yeah, it's coming.
Unless you and I and the
rest of us open our eyes.
Can't you see?
You're out of your fucking
mind, man.
I'm telling you,
Ashlee is not like that,
at all.
No, not Ashlee.
You don't know what
you're saying, kid.
I think hanging out with
that crazy sister of yours
got your brain all soft.
Just listen to me.
Just untie me and
just let me go, man!
And I won't tell
anyone about this.
Like, you got my word.
Just forget about killing
Ashlee.
(UNFRIENDLY MUSIC)
Forget what?
Forget about this?
Did you see what she did to me?
Yeah.
I don't think so.
You know what?
I don't have to have this
conversation with you.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Ew, man, ew.
What?
I just got the tape.
It's got your drool
all over it, man.
How else am I supposed to?
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Quit squirming.
There.
Are you happy now?
Yeah, you good, yeah?
- Mm.
- Okay, good.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
(SCARY MUSIC)
Aw, come on!
Those are brand new tires.
ASHLEE: Well,
what if he's dangerous?
Ashlee, you took down a 6'5"
heavily armed, coked-up
psychopath.
Look, I don't think
that banger boy here
is gonna put much of a fight.
("THOUGHT" BY YANNICK IRELAND)
SAL: Is this the place?
Yep.
All right, just hurry up then.
I'll be back in a minute.
(CREEPY MUSIC)
(KNOCKING ON THE DOOR)
You ready?
Uh,
yeah?
Remember, wait until
he comes in first
and then cover
him with that thing.
You got it?
Okay.
Okay.
And don't bite him.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(KNOCKING ON THE DOOR)
Where's Marcus?
He's inside, come in.
I'm in a hurry.
Just tell him I'm
waiting for him.
No, come inside
and get him yourself.
VIN: Just go get him.
No, come inside and
get him yourself!
I told you I'm in a hurry.
Just go get him.
If you don't come inside, I'm
gonna call the fucking cops.
Go ahead, call the cops, I
don't care.
Do you want to get arrested?
For what?
Do you want your buddy
here to get arrested?
Fine.
Come on!
Okay, so you argue
with me this whole time
so I could stand here?
Um, I'm sorry, my
roomie's getting dressed.
Oh yeah, is she hot?
(LAUGHS) You're so funny!
I know.
Where's Marcus?
Oh, um, you know,
I never realized how
good-looking you were!
Most people don't.
(LAUGHS) Well I sure did.
VIN: Did you just feel
something?
Woo! (LAUGHS)
Must be the energy between us.
I don't have time for this.
Where's Marcus?
Um,
oh come on now,
don't you want to
spend time with me?
I'll make it worth your while.
Fine.
Do you have any condoms?
Um, yeah.
Um,
let me go get them.
I'll be right back.
VIN: Hurry up,
gotta make this quick.
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(OWL HOOTING)
What is the matter with you?
I couldn't do it!
I just couldn't do it!
Ashlee!
I got scared!
But you kicked
that other guy's ass.
That was different.
He was trying to kill you!
If you don't get this guy,
that psychopath is gonna kill
Sam!
VIN: Hey, you get lost in
there?
Um, no, (LAUGHS) I'll be out
in a sec.
Get over there!
- Fine.
- Come on!
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
VIN: Whoa, you too?
Ah, what are you doing?
(SHADOWY MUSIC)
(KNOCKING ON THE DOOR)
Shh!
(KNOCKING ON THE DOOR)
SAL: Hey, Vin, you in there?
Did you bring
somebody with you?
VIN: My cousin-in-law Sal.
Quick, go get another
pillowcase.
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
So, Frankenstein grabs
this mad scientist chick
and throws her skinny ass out
the window.
No way, man.
And then what?
Okay, I love this part.
This is classic Costello.
He's tied to this
operating table,
and electrodes are blasting
arcs of light everywhere,
and he turns to Abbott,
and he says, "So, do you
believe me now?"
(LAUGHS)
Bro, it's the best,
because the whole movie,
Abbott thinks Costello's
full of shit, you know.
And then all of a
sudden there he is
staring at this
seven-foot-tall monster,
and he realizes
he was telling the truth
the whole time, man.
(LAUGHS) Too funny.
Well I guess you don't
realize the truth about someone
until it's staring you in the
face, huh?
Wow, that's deep.
So anyway, the rest of
the movie has the monsters
chasing the two across
this castle back and forth,
like one of those old
Scooby-Doo cartoons,
which I'm sure you've
seen like a million times.
Shaggy's changed my life, man.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, I bet.
So finally, the movie ends
with Dracula and Wolfman
falling to their deaths
from the castle tower,
and Frankie burns to death.
Come to think of it,
how did Drac and Wolfy
bite it from their fall?
It doesn't make any sense.
Yeah, man, but you said
they fell off the
side of the castle.
Yeah, but bro,
the only way to kill Dracula
is by sunlight or a
stake through the heart.
And everybody knows
you need silver bullets
to kill a werewolf.
So neither one of them
would've been killed
from their falls.
It doesn't make any
freaking sense.
Yeah, but it's Abbott
and Costello, right?
It's supposed to be like
ha ha funny, you know.
Like, maybe it's a whole
part of the big joke.
Yeah, I guess.
Maybe you're right, kid.
Maybe that's the biggest joke of
them all.
You know what?
You're all right, Sam.
I'm sorry I slapped you earlier.
No hard feelings, right?
No hard feelings, man.
So I guess you can untie me now.
Yeah, I don't think so, buddy.
SAL: Is this some
kind of sex thing?
What?
SAL: Did Marcus put
you up to this?
Your friend kidnapped
my brother, you asshole.
SAL: Oh.
And now we're gonna swap
him out for you two guys.
Isn't that exciting?
SAL: Oh god!
Why didn't you tell me
about this, Vin?
VIN: Mm-mm-mm,
I thought he was here.
Nope, he's not.
SAL: Oh god, I had
nothing to do with this!
Please don't kill me!
We're not gonna kill you.
Just relax.
SAL: I should've
stayed in the damn clinic.
What are you, some
kind of a doctor?
SAL: Yeah, I'm a vet!
I never hurt anyone
in my damn life.
If you're a vet, that
means you shot at people,
which means you hurt people,
and that makes you a liar.
SAL: What?
No, I'm a veterinarian.
Oh!
My ex-boyfriend was vegan.
He used to eat a lot of beans,
which gave him gas.
It was really gross.
SAL: No, that's a vegetarian.
I'm a veterinarian,
you know, like animal doctor.
Oh.
Do you have puppies?
SAL: Yeah, we have puppies.
Ah, I love puppies.
Mm.
Oh god!
Oh my god!
SIMONE: Seriously?
Aw, don't be so blue.
Yeah, dude, what's up
with your face?
It's called Argyria,
Wednesday Addams.
Well that shit better
not be contagious,
because I can't go around
looking like a damn Smurf!
Aw, I think Smurfette
is beautiful.
Ha ha, that's because
you're an idiot.
Hey!
It's not contagious, okay.
Fine.
Look, you two, we don't want
to start any trouble here.
I want my brother back
just as much as you two
want to be free,
so let's get this over with
quickly, okay?
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
Where are we going?
We're going to the
old Tesla factory.
We're gonna swap
you guys out with Sam,
then you're free to go.
(SPOOKY MUSIC)
MAN: Hmm.
("JULY" BY REXX FINAL BEAT)
Can we hurry up with this?
I have to get to work
early tomorrow.
You can drop dead, pony boy.
How about you, Dr. Doolittle?
Do you have something to say?
Hey, don't talk to
him like that.
He's my cousin-in-law.
I don't give a shit if
he's your cousin-in-law.
He could be your
father for all I care.
Don't talk about my father.
I didn't talk about
your damn father!
You just did.
No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
- I...
He's right, Simone, you did.
You said, "Your damn father,"
and that's just rude!
Would you just shut
the hell up?
Whose side are you on anyway?
Keep your eyes on the road.
Your side.
("JULY" BY REXX FINAL BEAT)
(MOVES INTO UNCERTAIN MUSIC)
Are they here yet?
No.
What happens if
they're not here on time?
Are you gonna kill me?
Oh come on, man!
I never did anything to you!
Relax.
They'll be here.
If your sister's smart,
she'll be here in five.
Five minutes?
What if they get lost?
I'm sure she has a GPS.
Look, man, I don't
want to die,
not in here, not like this!
Would you just chill?
Chill?
I have five minutes
left to live!
Actually four.
Oh man, ah, I'm really
good with computers, man.
Like, I'll fix yours
totally free of charge.
Haven't I taught you anything?
Reptoids track us through
computers.
Didn't you see
Enemy of the State?
Of course I saw
Enemy of the State.
That movie didn't
have any Reptars.
What?
It's Reptoids, you dopey shit.
You didn't see them,
but they were there.
They're the ones running the
show from behind the scenes.
Screw that movie, man!
I want to live.
I could be like your sidekick,
you know,
like Batman has, like, Robin.
What the hell are
you talking about?
You are my hostage.
Robin was never Batman's
hostage.
Please, man!
Take a chill pill, junior.
I'm not gonna kill you.
I need you for the bloodsucker.
Don't hurt her, man,
not my Ashlee!
Oh.
So now she's your Ashlee.
I know this is hard for you,
kid.
She's obviously glamored you
into being her obedient
puppy dog.
My brain's too strong
for that shit.
Once I slay her,
you'll be free of her
spell once and for all.
(WEIGHTY MUSIC)
Looks like this is
your lucky day.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
SIMONE: Let me
speak to my brother.
MARCUS: Yeah, there's
no talking on the phone,
not on my watch.
Well before you do
anything to my brother,
you might want to speak to your
little boyfriend over here.
Hey, man.
MARCUS: Goddamn,
son of a bitch!
Whoa.
Take it easy.
We're all tied up here.
I was gonna come alone,
but Sal wanted to come too,
and he's tied up in the back.
What?
VIN: Can we hurry this up?
It's kind of late
and I really have to go to
work early in the morning.
Goddammit!
Hey, that's my iPhone, dude!
Your sister's a
sneaky little bitch.
No, it's not her.
It's your little vampire friend.
She thinks she can outsmart me.
Okay, let's get
this over with.
Yay!
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(GATE CREAKS)
Where are they?
I don't know.
Do you think Sam is dead?
What?
Ashlee, no!
Why would you say
something like that?
I don't know.
I was just trying to
make conversation.
You have a real fucked
up way of doing that.
(PHONE RINGS)
Shit!
Whoa, watch that, dude!
Shut up!
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Hello?
(MISTY MUSIC)
I heard your phone, asshole!
Hey, if you don't show yourself,
I'm gonna kill your
buddies over here.
Ashlee!
Why are you yelling?
I'm right here.
Okay.
Um, rip that guy's head off!
Oh god, no!
Are you crazy?
I'm just making it up, idiot.
Just play along.
Okay, Simone.
Um, I'm gonna go and
rip this guy's head off
and then he will die.
Was that okay?
It was fine.
Hey!
(STRANGE TECHNO MUSIC)
Oh my god, Sam!
Back off, freak show!
This wasn't part of the deal.
Yeah, well, I decided to
change the rules, asshole!
You didn't decide anything!
She did.
What?
Yeah.
I know it was you, bloodsucker.
You're the one who
masterminded this whole plan.
Well you know what?
No matter what happens here
tonight,
you're not gonna make
it out of here alive.
She's not alive, brainiac.
You know what I mean.
Oh my god!
Sam!
Don't you hurt him!
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(GLASS BREAKING)
(MOVES INTO CREEPY MUSIC)
Give her to me,
and I'll let your brother live!
No!
You give me my brother
or I will have her
rip their heads off!
Can't you see?
She has you under her spell.
Her?
Are you kidding me?
She has the IQ of a lab rat.
Hey, that's not nice!
Ashlee, I'm trying to
save my brother here.
Well, if I wanted to,
I can do that thing,
like you said.
Shut up, you!
I know what you're trying to do.
You're making her think
that you're not in control
so now I think that
she's in control.
(PERPLEXED MUSIC)
(RINGING)
Oh, what is that?
Are you okay?
Oh, yeah, it's just that...
I'm getting tired of waiting.
Bring her to me or
I'm gonna kill him!
Don't you hurt him!
I swear to god
I'm gonna do it!
No!
(SIMONE SCREAMS)
No!
What the fuck?
All of you are fucking
psychopaths!
I don't want to do this!
What are you doing?
You forced my hand!
You're screwing everything up!
I'm getting us out of here!
Come on, Vin!
It's about time.
I'll see you tomorrow, Marcus.
Hey, can you untie me?
Uh, sure.
Grab him, Ashlee!
What?
Grab him!
Aw come on.
I gotta get some sleep, yo.
She's a female, Vin!
Lose her!
(VIN CRIES OUT)
She isn't normal!
Yeah, she got me
with a powerful grip.
I'm sorry, she told
me to do it!
It's okay.
Just be gentle.
Hey, you better tell
your friend to...
To what, huh?
What are you gonna do, kill me?
(SNEAKY MUSIC)
I just want to go home!
Well you're not the only one!
Why don't you let him go?
Don't let him go, Ashlee!
Let him go!
Don't let him go!
Let him go!
I will not let him go!
Let me go.
I will not let you go.
Let me go!
I'll never let you go.
Let me go.
I'll never let you go.
No no no no no no no
Oh mamma mia.
Simone!
(FERAL TECHNO MUSIC)
Vin!
(ASHLEE SCREAMING)
Get her off him.
(ASHLEE SCREAMING)
Prepare to meet your maker,
spawn of...
SIMONE: Hey!
(SAM SCREAMS)
What the hell?
Munchkins!
Goddamn munchkins!
Hey, guys.
Ring toss?
How you feeling, doc?
Ugh, I know that guy.
Me too.
(LAUGHS) Hey, all right,
looks like you got
your color back.
(ASHLEE COUGHS)
Ew, gross, what,
what is this?
That's disgusting.
As if!
I just set you free, doc.
Here, let me show you.
No, turn it off, turn it off!
Oh my god!
What is that noise?
I don't hear anything.
Oh shit!
Oh no you don't!
Yeah, pal, I'm not gonna
let you hurt my Ashlee.
It's not her, it's that guy.
If we don't stop him, we're
all gonna be in big trouble.
(LAUGHS) Nobody's
stopping me, buddy.
In fact, why don't we just
kick this up a notch, huh?
(RINGING)
What is that?
(SAL SCREAMS)
How you feeling, doc?
(SAL SCREAMS)
(SAL HOWLS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(CLOTH RIPPING)
(GROWLING)
(CREEPY MUSIC)
(GROWLING)
(SLAMMING)
(ASHLEE AND SIMONE SCREAM)
Shit, it's a dead end!
(PERPLEXED MUSIC)
(SIMONE GASPS)
Um, guys.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(HOWLS)
I got this.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(GROWLS)
Oh.
It's about time you showed up.
You know, (LAUGHS) it took
me a while to find you guys.
(FEROCIOUS MUSIC)
Marcus, I got your back.
(CLATTERING)
(GRUNTING)
(ANGRY MUSIC)
(GROWLING)
(BODY THUDS)
(HOWLS)
Get out of the way,
slime ball!
You two can leave.
Not you, sweet cheeks, not you.
(GROWLING)
(CRAZED MUSIC)
(GRUNTING)
(ASHLEE GASPS)
Ew!
What is that?
Just some dog pheromones
to get the action started.
Knock it off, dude.
This ain't funny.
(ANGRY MUSIC)
(GROWLS)
(THUDS)
Vin.
(WRATHFUL MUSIC)
(SAM SCREAMS)
Vin.
Mom, mom?
Hey, buddy.
You're not my mom.
I wish I knew how to quit you.
Now come on, let's go.
Simone.
(GROWLING)
Are you okay?
I think I'll be all right.
(GROWLING)
Well, (LAUGHS) it's
about damn time.
(TROUBLED MUSIC)
Hey there, Squid fans.
It's your old Uncle Todd
reporting to you live with
an unprecedented event,
and have I got a
surprise for you.
I was gonna keep this in
my private video stash,
but I decided it's just
too good not to share!
So I present to you the gonzo
porn event of the century,
a vampire and a werewolf in
Monster Fuckbags!
(UNFRIENDLY MUSIC)
Hey, get out of
the shot, junior!
Let go of her!
You're gonna get
yourself killed, kid.
Here.
Watch it, buddy.
Huh?
Hey, you want to be a cowboy?
Hell yeah, partner.
(DETERMINED MUSIC)
SIMONE: Hey.
You just read my mind.
Hey, blue balls!
Come get some.
Oh come on!
(PERPLEXED MUSIC)
Now, kid!
(GROWLING)
(SERIOUS TECHNO MUSIC)
Don't mind me.
(GROWLING)
(TODD LAUGHS)
(RINGING)
Ow!
(GROWLING)
(ROPE CREAKING)
Marcus!
(METALLIC CREAKING)
(TENSE MUSIC)
(THUDDING)
(GROWLING)
Shit!
(SERIOUS TECHNO MUSIC)
How about a little
bit more of eau du Fido?
No, what are you doing?
Crazy bitch!
(CRASHING)
(TODD SCREAMS)
Hey there, Squid fans.
There are some interesting
developments happening
at this very moment.
Good old Uncle Todd
decided to, uh, well,
get in on some
of the doggy action.
So stick around!
You don't want to miss this.
(TODD SCREAMING)
(DREADFUL MUSIC)
(SCREAMS)
(EVERYONE GROANS)
That's gross!
So much for Asian stereotypes.
(TODD SOBBING)
(WEIGHTY MUSIC)
You knew he was
a werewolf, didn't you?
Used to bite
all the local dogs
to get patients for his
veterinary clinic.
Some racket.
It was, until we got pieces
of Vin's mom silverware
into his blood.
That's how his skin turned blue.
She's still pissed off about
that.
(HOWLING)
He must've just finished.
Shouldn't we discuss what
we're gonna do
with those two in there?
After what we just
went through, no.
I think we should just
go home now.
Hey, we're all in this
together.
Fine.
I admit it.
I miscalculated a few things,
but we made a pretty
good team in there.
When we weren't trying
to kill each other.
I thought we made
a great team.
Hey, bloodsucker!
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC)
You're all right.
Looks like Van Helsing's
had a change of heart.
Who's Van Helsing?
(EMOTIONAL MUSIC)
Can I get my keys back, dude?
(WEIGHTY MUSIC)
Need a lift?
Yeah, man.
I gotta work in four hours.
(BITTERSWEET MUSIC)
You took too much
Heavy-handed
Just to stay in touch
You were always free
With freedom so incomplete
It's all as was
Find a key there
While you're reaching up
I know what you've done
Did it all for
One to love
And then it happened again
You can't control
what history knows
Disgrace cover your face
Trying to hide what the
daylight shows
Like that flat on your back
Get what you want whatever
the cost
My love it's in your blood
Came to the world
already lost
It starts in parts
It stops and hesitates
You won't lack a scar
It was over when
you went too far
Take back what's been done
Here I am while
you hold the gun
You were never free
Your blood has
you in too deep
You're mixing it in
You're mixing it in
You're mixing it in
You're mixing it in
Now you're mixing it in
Now you're mixing it in
Now you're mixing it in
Now
And then it happened again
You can't control
what history knows
Disgrace cover your face
Trying to hide what the
daylight shows
Like that flat on your back
Get what you want
whatever the cost
My love it's in your blood
Came to the world
already lost
(SPOOKY MUSIC)
Todd.
(EERIE MUSIC)