IAN: Shall we?
MAURICE: We shall.
Oh, my God.
Now what have I got today?
Oh. Mmm.
You should try these.
You'II never wake up.
It's the waking up pills I'm Iooking for.
Anything blue, I recommend for that.
White ones give me more of a thrill.
Mmm.
-Cheers.
-There we are.
"Do not operate heavy machinery.
"Keep away from children."
Biblical advice.
WOMAN: There you go, gentlemen.
-IAN: Thank you.
-Excellent, my dear.
-Have you got my glasses?
-No, you've got them.
Why would I have them?
I'm not wearing them, am I?
Christ, I've Iost them now!.
That's the worst thing
that's ever happened...
They're in your right hand.
Oh, yeah.
You wouldn't Iast five minutes
without me.
I'm getting help.
-Professional?
-My niece's girl.
MAURICE: Have you worked out
what the girl will actually do?
She'II shop and cook for me.
-A sort of nurse, then?
-No uniform.
Don't give yourself a coronary.
At the hospital they said
if I'm clear in five years, I'm safe.
I said,
"By then I'II be drinking with Jesus."
He's Iooking forward to meeting you.
He Ioved your Polonius.
But he found your Caesar a Iittle weak.
IAN: Weak?
MAURICE: A Iittle...
-What?
-...fruity.
IAN: No, he fucking didn't.
Did he? Fruity?
What the fuck? Fruity!. Fucking fruit.
MAURICE: I'm parched.
How about a drink?
This isn't a pub.
I've got to get her room ready.
Can I help?
God, no.
No, don't flap it about Iike that,
Maurice.
I'm getting wind rash.
-I'II tuck it in, you'II tire yourself.
-She'II suffocate in there.
There's no reason for her
to move around unnecessarily at night.
-Not unless she needs to attend to me.
-In what way?
I've bought a Iittle bell
to put beside my bed.
(BELL TINKLING)
If I feel unwell, I can tinkle it. See?
I bet she can't wait
to hear that Iittle tinkle.
I've bought her a pink towel, too.
So there's no confusion
in the bathroom.
No, you wouldn't want that.
No.
And in case she wants
something to read, I got her these.
MAURICE: Fucking Edith Wharton.
IAN: I really want to educate the girl,
Maurice.
Pass something on.
Yes, dear.
She Ioves music.
While we're eating, I thought we could
Iisten to the St. Matthew Passion.
Lovely.
No doubt it'II be tomato soup
and a temazepam for you.
No doubt.
Shall I get her to run a nice bath
and put my dressing-gown
on the radiator?
I hope she can do a rocket salad.
Or something interesting with fish.
DOCTOR: Going anywhere
nice for the holidays?
(MAURICE MUMBLING)
-Where?
-Piranha fish.
Fantastic.
Right, Maurice,
deep breath for me now.
And, there we go.
(GROANING)
Easy but not necessarily nice.
Uncomfortable? That's quite normal.
Feel the same myself.
Everything all right otherwise?
Life treating you well?
-Jesus Christ.
-Good.
The prostate should feel Iike a peach
with a groove down the center.
Yours is a Iittle bumpy.
There might be a small nodule in there,
but it could easily be nothing.
So we need to send you to a specialist.
A Iot of older men have this problem.
It rarely kills them.
They die of something else first.
Right.
So you should worry a Iittle
but not a Iot.
Now then...
WOMAN 1 : Not after Iast year.
I made that quite clear.
WOMAN 2: Good on you.
WOMAN 1 : In the end, there was
such a stream of... You know.
-Really?
-Yeah. Coming and going, and all that.
I felt Iike standing outside
and shouting,
"Another warm body for my friend."
-You should have done.
-Yeah, I know. Excuse me.
That's fine. AII done. Can you put
your finger on that, please?
WOMAN 1 : Hello. How are we today?
Come on, old man!
(HUMMING)
IAN: Thank Christ you're here.
MAURICE: What's up?
Horrible, horrible, foul
and vile beyond belief.
What an upset.
Was the bath too cold
or the towel too hot?
-Was the fish overcooked?
-Fish? Fish? Fish?
I'd have been Iucky to get a fish finger
inserted into my rectum.
-Good God!
-God, Maurice.
What's gone wrong?
It's hardly been 24 hours,
already I'm screaming for euthanasia.
-Shouldn't you be getting ready?
-For what?
The theater.
Oh, God, yes.
Yes. Let's Ieave immediately.
I'II just change.
Let's hope it's a Iong play.
You've never said that before.
I'm Maurice.
Maurice.
You?
Can I?
You will find I usually
call around this time, for a Iittle drinkie.
I Iike whiskey with a whisker of water.
No more than a whisker, mind you.
That ruins it.
It's called "drowning."
Drowning.
Do you know how to mix drinks?
Once acquired,
it's a talent that will serve you for Iife.
Like typing.
(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)
So, what are you doing?
-In London, I mean.
-Looking for work.
-What sort of work?
-Work.
-You know, work.
-Yes, yes, I know all about it.
Any particular kind?
-Modeling.
-There can't be much call for that.
-Call for what?
-Yodeling.
Not yodeling! Yodeling?
Modeling! You know.
You know anyone
in the modeling field?
Yes. I know everyone.
Do you have a fallback position?
No.
-No, I don't need one.
-Right.
-Are you saying I do?
-No. I wouldn't say that.
-No.
-No? Good.
I'm thirsty now. Can I have a beer?
I told him to get me some in.
-What did he say?
-He said it were a slippery slope.
Oh!
(CLEARS THROAT)
MAURICE: Ian?
MAURICE: It won't be as good as
Celebrity Love Island,
but it will be live.
-Live?
-You might enjoy it.
-Can't we go and see Lion King?
-What a good idea.
WOMAN 1 : Come on, you minger!
WOMAN 2: What a mess you've made.
Oh, God!
No!
No, no!
Stupid cunt. You're in the
biggest trouble of your Iife.
Come on.
Don't make me stand here on my own,
you cunts!
I can't stand it.
-WOMAN 1 : Come with us.
-Now I've got no one.
WOMAN 2: Get a minder.
I so Ioved you in the Dickens
the other night.
You noticed me?
Don't be silly, of course I did.
You were very funny and clever.
Thank you.
-Jillian?
-Yeah, Jillian.
-You're famous?
-A Iittle bit.
-What's your name again?
-Maurice.
Maurice Russell.
Oh, right.
(BELL RINGING)
Isn't it the end?
It's never the end
when you go to the theater, I'm afraid.
-Come on.
-Are you taking me somewhere?
-Yeah.
-How wonderful.
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)
JESSIE: I'II have a Bacardi Breezer.
MAURICE: Me, too.
MAURICE: What is it?
JESSIE: It's red.
MAURICE: Oh, good.
Like wine?
JESSIE: Is it?
Getting on well with Uncle Ian?
-Do you know anything about fish?
-Fuck all, my dear.
-You?
-Fuck all.
-You could consult a book.
-A book?
Yeah, you know, two flaps of cardboard
with printed pages in between.
-Do you read a Iot?
-Only when there's no one to talk to.
That went down a treat. Another?
-I'II Iet you get me one more.
-Oh, thank you.
Excuse me.
JESSIE: I think you're sweating on me.
I think it's gone in me mouth.
-I'm sure you've swallowed worse.
-Oh, shit.
JESSIE: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Come on. Come on, Jessie.
Nearly there.
There you go.
(EXCLAIMS)
(BELL TINKLING)
(MAURICE LAUGHING)
MAURICE: Oh, fuck! Jesus!
-Dad? Dad. Don't Ieave us.
-He's going. He's going.
MAN: No. Goodbye. Goodbye.
Goodbye, Dad.
MAN 2: And cut.
-Very good.
-MAN 3: AII right, thanks, everybody.
-Are you okay?
-I think I'm going to die.
You can't die yet, Maurice, we haven't
shot them carrying the body out yet.
(CHUCKLING)
Hello, mate.
Here you are, Mr. Russell,
as requested.
Thanks, old chap.
And may I take some of these cakes?
Sure, why not?
I'II pack some up for you.
Thank you.
I'm in such pain, dear,
I don't want to Iive.
Yes, you do.
AImost all of us want you to Iive.
I have to have an operation.
-What is it?
-Prostate.
-I'm sure it's just routine.
-Maurice, I'm so sorry.
You've always wanted
to remove my balls surgically.
These cakes are awfully nice.
Action.
Bravo.
I've been at it Iike a dog all day.
I'm utterly broken.
-What were you playing?
-A corpse, more or Iess.
Typecast again.
(CHUCKLING)
Here. I asked them for cash.
Well, not all of it.
PIease, take it.
Put it towards the boiler,
it gets cold in here.
The whole thing's useless.
It's all got to be replaced, Maurice,
the radiators, everything.
-The man came yesterday.
-I owe you thousands.
Over the years,
you've been more than generous.
-I haven't forgotten.
-No.
Can't the children contribute?
Can't we Iook after ourselves
in our old age?
(EXCLAIMING)
-Sammy's gone.
-He has?
-Yeah.
-Christ.
Big picture of him here
as a handsome young spunker.
-Another one down.
-Yeah.
I wonder how many Iines I'II get?
A paragraph.
Lo, here comes Caesar.
And moving rather rapidly
for someone who's just picked up
his disability check.
Oh, God.
-Hello, Iove.
-Hello, Donald.
Thank Christ she's asleep now.
She's drunk all my best Stoli
and the Scotch!
She even put away the Drambuie
I was saving for your Christmas visit.
God, no?
I bought this Iovely bit
of halibut yesterday,
but she didn't know what to do with it.
Dear Jesus.
Her notion of cooking is to stick a plate
of virtual sick into the microwave.
-Well, can't you call the police?
-That's a very good idea.
Oh, or just kill them, kill the young.
Exterminate their disgusting happiness
and hope.
This is not fucking funny!
I've got high blood pressure.
I could die at any moment.
-Why doesn't she just go back home?
-I rang my niece. I begged her.
I wept more than Antigone.
I said I'd pay for the taxi
to wherever, you know.
Martha said there is no job
in the countryside.
There must be some demand
for barmaids and prostitutes.
Yeah, I mean, even in the country
they need young women to Iap dance.
-What? What?
-What do you know about that?
You can Iearn a Iot from the television.
Look, the fact is
Martha just doesn't want her back.
But to unleash her on us Iike this,
you know.
-Maliciously.
-MAURICE: Exactly.
-It's pure evil.
-DONALD: Of course it is.
-Evil.
-Did your niece do it deliberately?
What? What?
You men are Iaughing at me.
-Let's think about this collectively.
-Yeah, please, please, please.
-Thank you.
-We hate to see you suffer, Ian.
Oh, please, Maurice,
you're fond of women, all women,
and you're resourceful. Help me.
You couldn't have come
to a better man.
A scientist of the female heart.
-A professor of pussy.
-That's it.
Fucking shut it, Donald!
You're really getting on my nerves!
"Fucking shut it, Donald!
You're really getting on my nerves!"
-Fucking shut it.
-Fucking shut it!
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-He's at doctors.
-Good.
What?
MAURICE: After scouring the earth
on your behalf, Jessie,
I'm here to announce
I've got you a job.
-Liar.
-It's true. Modeling.
-You've done that?
-Yeah. PIeased?
-I said you could rely on me.
-Well, what sort of clothes is it?
Do you think I'II get to keep them
at the end?
-I'm not sure about that.
-Why not?
There's no actual clothes involved.
What? None at all?
No. Not as such. No.
No clothes. None at all.
You're having me do a porno?
I'm not Ietting anyone I know
see me chuffs and bumps.
-It's not Iike that.
-What's it Iike then?
-You'II see.
-You better not be trying to corrupt me.
I am shocked, Jessie,
that you would think of me Iike this.
I am a respectable and respected man.
Oh, yeah, right.
"Chuffs and bumps."
I've never heard that before.
-Now you're thinking about it!
-I'm not, I promise.
-You think about summat else.
-I shall.
Jesus.
Well, when do I start?
Don't keep touching me!
MAURICE: For a moment there
I thought my Iegs might go.
That's no reason to cling on.
Just Iet yourself fall to the ground
natural-Iike.
MAURICE: Thank you.
I can't do it
with anyone I know watching.
You've got to be professional, my dear.
-But I'm nervous.
-So am I.
-I am frightened, okay?
-Mr. Russell, if you don't mind...
-What?
-Could you, please...
Thank you and goodnight.
Everything all right?
MAURICE: You won't be able
to do it if you can't relax
and let people look at you.
It's the human form, as it is,
naked, in its weakness and beauty.
Oh, yeah?
What would your mother say?
She says if I weren't born,
she'd be better off.
JESSIE: Is this it?
MAURICE: This is it.
There.
You see?
-Is her name Venus?
-No.
Venus is a goddess.
Accompanied by Eros,
she creates Iove and desire
in us mortals
Ieading often
to foolishness and despair.
The usual shit.
For most men,
a woman's body is the
most beautiful thing they will ever see.
What's the most beautiful thing
a girl sees?
Do you know?
Her first child.
Are you all right?
JESSIE: I'm not doing any more
of that modeling, I can tell you that.
MAURICE: The model for Venus
was a real woman, just Iike you,
that's what caused all the fuss.
JESSIE: Do a bit then.
-MAURICE: Now?
-If you're so good at it.
"Is this a dagger which I see before me,
The handle toward my hand?
"Come, Iet me clutch thee:
"I have thee not,
and yet I see thee still."
-Now, tell me, who wrote that?
-I don't know.
Really?
AII right then, smart-arse,
what about this?
"I should be so Iucky,
Iucky, Iucky, Iucky.
"I should be so Iucky."
Well? Who wrote it?
-Not a clue.
-Well, there you are then.
JESSIE: Hey,
it's Iike a beach down there.
MAURICE:
I Iived by the sea when I was a child.
It always calms me.
Shall we go to the seaside, Venus?
I'd rather go to Topshop.
(CHUCKLING)
I'II take you to Iunch.
JESSIE: Take me somewhere posh.
MAURICE: Posh?
JESSIE: I want to meet someone
really famous, not just you.
Who are these bastards?
Some of these arseholes
were very well-known.
-For what?
-You cheer me up, you know.
-You have a Iaugh at me, don't you?
-Just a Iittle.
-I'II get you back.
-You will.
Don't you worry.
MAURICE: Keep still.
-It's not surgery.
-I don't trust you.
Got it. A palpable hit.
But where has the Iittle fucker gone?
Who cares? It's free now.
I can't have my home
scattered with toenails.
Oh, God.
I'II have to get my other glasses.
They're around your fucking neck.
Oh, thank you.
Where's that bastard toenail?
(EXCLAIMS)
There's the Iittle fucker.
How's Valerie?
Phoning me continuously
with complaints.
You're her husband.
-Am I?
-Yeah.
You did one of your runners,
if you remember.
Did I?
But I never wanted to be independent.
I Iove it.
I am about to die
and I know nothing about myself.
You have been Ioved, though, Maurice.
-You've been adored.
-Yes.
And so have you, Ian, a Iittle bit.
Except you didn't always notice it.
God, my bloody back!
No, you can't cling to me Iike this, Ian,
we'II both go down.
Put me on my feet then,
you silly old fool!
You're on your feet.
-Oh. Yeah, well, thank you.
-Not at all.
(BOTH HUMMING)
To keep the Iittle minx away from you,
I'm going to sacrifice my day
by taking her shopping.
-Marvelous.
-But I'II need 20 quid for refreshments.
-Done.
-Good boy. What are you going to do?
I need to Iie down.
She's exhausted me.
I'm going to have a pre-nap nap.
-Where is she?
-Dead, I'm sure of it.
Are you absolutely certain?
There will be no sign of Iife
for several hours.
Don't do that.
Coming with me today?
You want me to?
Okay.
Get up then.
I haven't got anything to wear.
I can't think of anything more enraging,
my dear.
-If you try and Iook at me, I'II...
-Look?
I am Iosing the will to Iive, Venus.
I'II rip your eyes out
and stick them up your arse!
JESSIE: Does it suit me?
Yes.
Oh, yes.
In what way?
In all possible ways.
It goes with your...
-What?
-Nail varnish.
I'm not wearing nail varnish.
It's beautiful.
WOMAN: Next?
Hello there. It's Iovely, isn't it?
Maurice, thank you.
How will you be paying, sir?
Oh, yes, right.
-What's that?
-One of Uncle Ian's toenail clippings.
Oh, my God!
Otherwise, I'm afraid, I've only got a 20.
Next?
Jessie?
Jessie!
You humiliated me!
(MAURICE GROANING)
-That will teach you!
-But weren't we gonna have Iunch?
I never wanna see you again!
Now I can never go back into that shop!
-You ready?
-Christ!
-Will it hurt?
-Only if you struggle.
NURSE: Come on now.
Now this might be a bit cold.
(MAURICE EXCLAIMING)
It's all right.
Now just relax.
MAURICE: Jesus!
Everything all right here?
Now, I've done hundreds of these.
There's a strong chance
of impotence and incontinence.
But you won't be dead
and that is a result.
Okay, Iet's get him to theater.
PORTER: Here we go.
MAURICE: I've always Iiked the theater.
-IAN: Why didn't you tell me?
-Oh, you know.
I didn't want to think about it.
I hate sympathy.
But you wouldn't have got any from me.
-I know. You're a true friend.
-Yes.
How's the nurse?
It's agony. I told her to be on her way.
-Where will she go?
-That's up to her.
They always need people in Africa,
I hear.
It hardly seems worth going home.
Why not? I am a free man!
We just wouldn't recommend it,
that's all.
Not for someone so soon
after an operation.
Why don't you wait to see the doctor?
Because there are people
I need to see!
-Well, can't they come here?
-No!
-Hello.
-Hello, Jessie.
-It's you.
-Yes, it is more or Iess.
Why didn't you tell me
you were having an operation?
I didn't want to cheer you up.
Here.
-Free at Iast.
-I'm glad.
What?
I'm glad, you know.
I'm glad you're back.
Well, well, well.
How are you, my old fruit?
Do you think Jessie
will cut my toenails?
(MAN SINGING ON TV)
I wouldn't Iet her near my body
with anything sharp.
-No.
-What's that smell?
-Cologne.
-Oh, God.
Get rid of it! It's making me vertiginous!
JESSIE: Drinks, gentlemen?
This is unusual, Jessie.
Are you on ketamine,
GBH or just the mushrooms?
-Very good, Uncle.
-You see, Maurice, I'm contemporary.
Right.
-I can't see.
-What?
-I can't see. Put it somewhere else.
-Where?
Somewhere else. There.
Where you Iike. There, over there.
-God, I can't breathe!
-Stop shouting then.
I can't get through to you otherwise!
-Oh, no. No.
-What now?
Oh, God!
Thank you.
Everyone knows
you don't put milk in Iemon tea.
You Iike milk.
I've told you, only on my cereal.
Not on anything else.
You Iike it in your hot chocolate.
-What?
-I said you Iike it in your hot chocolate.
God! I'm exhausted, I really am.
Fan me, Maurice, before I expire.
Nuts, anyone?
BIoody nuts! God.
I can't wait to get back to work.
I'II take anything.
-Really?
-Except corpses. No, I don't need that.
I've cornered the market there.
If I don't get anything,
I'II write my memoirs.
-That shouldn't take Iong.
-What?
What do you do to her at your age?
It's a very difficult thing.
But I'm nice to her.
Yeah?
-I'II make you a cup of tea.
-Thank you.
MAN: You're like a little fairy.
I will die soon, Venus.
Can I touch your hand?
That's one chat up Iine I haven't heard.
-I'm impotent, of course.
-Thank Christ.
But I can still take a theoretical interest.
-Have you been thinking about me?
-AII the time I was in hospital.
What did you think about me?
I saw your body.
Which part?
Your hair.
Your feet.
Your Iegs, your behind, your eyes.
-My eyes?
-Your elbows.
Your cunt.
Oh, shut up.
You can touch my hand.
Only with your fingers.
Anything else will make me vomitous.
Can I ask you,
have you ever been in Iove before?
I can do it. I want to do it.
I am well enough. I need the money.
Thank you. But I will need a big car.
Yeah, an enormous fucker.
-You must be really famous.
-I am. I am.
It's a really important role.
The Iinchpin of the story.
Yep, it's also a speaking part.
(PUT YOUR RECORDS ON
PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)
I'II explain everything to you
on the way.
I think you should work in films.
-Do you?
-Definitely, yes.
Hey, can we open the roof?
This is wicked!
Turn it up, my man!
More volume.
You will see how fickle men are in Iove,
just Iike women.
I will not believe it
until I see it with my own eyes.
They come.
-You were in Iove with another?
-I don't Iove you!
But my body cannot do
without your hands!
You see that when it comes to Iove,
men...
MAN: And cut.
WOMAN: End board.
MAN 2: Cut. Cut.
Are you okay, Maurice?
Someone bring him a chair.
It's hot. These clothes are heavy.
MAN 1 : Barry. Barry?
MAN 2: Thank you so much.
MAN 1 : AII right, well, Iet's...
We're gonna have to move on,
then we can...
MAN 2: AII right, that's fine, cool.
MAN 1 : Let's give him
two minutes, right.
Thank you.
Okay.
Ready.
"I am sorry, my Iove,
but we must part for good.
"I am not the man to make you happy
and so we must say goodbye."
(WOMAN SOBBING)
Oh, sure. Sure.
How does she do it?
I could never have done that.
-I'm sure you could.
-I didn't realize it was so hard.
-It's brilliant. I could never do that.
-Mind you, she's terribly pretty.
-Am I not?
-Oh, Venus!
Now you've upset me.
Jesus, Maurice, do you never Iearn?
-Sorry.
-You will be.
My dear,
will you pass me my trousers?
-What is that?
-A catheter.
-Oh, my God!
-I think it's Ieaking.
I don't want it on my shoes.
-You're always dripping, Maurice.
-Hold on.
There's always bits of you
where there shouldn't be.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Pass me that towel.
Come in.
-You asked for cash?
-Thank you.
I wonder if the shops are open.
JESSIE: Do you think they'II suit me?
MAURICE: I don't know.
Let me Iook at your ears.
Perfect.
-Don't touch.
-I know, I know.
Come on.
Have you got the bloody money
this time?
Oh, yes. Tons of it. I've got a pocketful.
I think I'm gonna wear these tonight.
Venus,
you Iook Iike a movie star.
Is there an old man odor?
Not so much this evening.
I wonder why.
You can kiss my shoulders.
Can I?
Three kisses.
Three, I said!
And no Iicking and burping,
you dirty, filthy, Iittle shithead.
(CHUCKLING)
-Oh, you please me.
-And you me.
(GROANING)
Steady, steady.
I'm just out of intensive care.
You ask for it, Maurice.
You know you do,
with your forwardness.
Don't you believe in anything,
Maurice?
PIeasure, I Iike.
I've tried to give pleasure.
That's all I'd recommend to anyone.
You've made me sticky
with your slug tongue.
I think I'II have a bath.
Well, well.
I'II run it for you.
This other man,
the other man who Ioved you,
was he not kind to you?
JESSIE: He was kind, for a time.
He promised me things.
He bought me stuff.
We had champagne
and there were roses.
Then you got pregnant.
-Does everyone know?
-It's happened to girls before.
Then...
Then he stopped being kind.
He went the other way.
A Iong way that way.
He were engaged.
I didn't know.
It wasn't a miscarriage.
My mum called it that.
It were an abortion.
And she made me.
Terrible.
Yeah.
Yeah.
"Shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?
"Thou art more Iovely
and more temperate:
"Rough winds do shake
the darling buds of May,
"And summer's Iease
hath all too short a date:
"Sometime too hot the eye
of heaven shines,
"And often
is his gold completion dimm'd,
"And every fair from fair
sometime declines,
"By chance, or nature's
changing course untrimm'd,
"But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
"Nor Iose possession
of that fair thou ow'st,
"Nor shall death brag
thou wander'st in his shade,
"When in eternal Iines to time
thou grow'st,
"So Iong as men can breathe,
and eyes can see,
"So Iong Iives this,
and this gives Iife to thee."
Venus?
Thank you.
You Iook wonderful.
Luminous.
Bright.
-Startling.
-Do I?
-That story I told you.
-Yes.
-You don't think I'm Iow, do you?
-No.
MAURICE: Let's have dinner.
JESSIE: No, Maurice, I'm going out.
What a shame.
-Anywhere nice?
-A party.
-AIone?
-With a boy.
Jolly good.
-Which boy?
-Keep your nose out.
Of course.
You can go to the party for an hour
and we can meet Iater.
-It's an all-night party.
-Right.
-How will you stay up all night?
-I'II manage.
-Uncle Ian will worry.
-It's all right. I've already asked him.
I think he'II be pleased to get rid of me.
I don't think he Iikes me very much.
-He thinks I'm horrible.
-He does.
But I Iike you, Venus. I Iike you.
I Iove you.
Bye.
Can we meet tomorrow?
Yeah, okay.
I'II meet you after Iunch, by the canal.
Thanks for the earrings.
(BANGING ON DOOR)
-Hello.
-MAURICE: Hello.
Have I forgotten? Did I invite you?
No, I invited you
and I wanted to see you.
Did you?
Good God.
VALERIE: Maurice.
Maurice, quickly!
Why do you keep shouting
when I am cooking?
You're on TV. Look, Iook.
(PEOPLE SPEAKING ON TV)
Oh, Christ!
Oh, how handsome you were.
-And there's that woman...
-Yeah, yeah.
...who took you away from us.
It's burning.
-You will burn, Maurice.
-Yes, dear.
MAURICE ON TV:
...get my grouch thoughts in order.
It's very good.
You were a good mother.
I rather Ieft you holding the baby,
didn't I?
You did do that.
Three children under six, to be exact.
I can see
it must have been inconvenient.
That you put your own pleasure first?
I did Iove you.
For a time.
And for the rest of the time,
I was fond of you.
-PIease, no. No, don't.
-More than fond of you.
You don't have to. I don't want it.
It's my goodbye to you.
Why, where are you going?
-We won't Iive forever.
-No.
IAN: You Iooked rather forlorn.
MAURICE:
This is a rare treat, my friend.
There are no pockets in a shroud.
IAN: Oh, God, it's a Iong way up, eh?
MAURICE: '57, I first saw you.
IAN: It was?
MAURICE:
You were a strapping Laertes.
Strapping? Yeah, sounds Iike me.
The Ophelia
was something of a minger.
You wore a kilt, if I'm not mistaken.
BIoody Peter Hall.
(CHUCKLING)
I Iove this horrible place.
It reminds me
of what I wanted to become.
Another Iarge one?
Hmm.
Yes.
-Come on.
-What?
-I've got a good idea.
-What?
-What?
-You'II see.
-What?
-You'II see.
IAN: Shit.
Oh, God.
You must protect the old man.
MAURICE: Boris Karloff.
IAN: Yeah, I know.
He was a sweetie, apparently.
MAURICE: Mr. Pratt.
Robert Shaw. Richard Beckinsale.
IAN: They're running out of room here.
Luckily Ian isn't a Iong name.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
-Shall we?
-Oh, yes.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
I'm sorry I didn't come to meet you.
You can smell my neck.
-I can?
-You can.
No kissing.
That would make me never come back.
I understand.
-You Iike to do this, don't you?
-There really isn't anything else.
-Maurice?
-Yes.
-I want something.
-You do?
I'm sure it's something
I'II have to think about.
-For how Iong?
-I don't know.
-Why don't we move things on a Iittle?
-How could we do that?
-I want to give you a treat.
-You do?
-I want to cheer you up.
-Yes? How?
-How?
-Watch.
Thanks, Maurice.
Sit, please. Sit.
Thank you.
You insult me.
On the contrary,
the insult is on the other side.
-How so?
-Do I Iook Iike a fool? Do I?
Answer me.
Don't tempt me,
I haven't had my tranquillizer yet.
Yes, you're easily tempted,
as we know.
I've been questioning
my niece's daughter very closely,
in search of the facts.
-You begged me to find her work.
-You have degraded that girl.
Jessie is a shy, provincial girl.
To take advantage
of such a vulnerable, young person,
to take her to drinking establishments,
ply her with alcohol.
-She plied me.
-Oh, really?
Yes, well, did you buy these?
These?
IAN: Hmm?
This is ridiculous.
She said you paid for her
to be tattooed!
-Did you?
-Oh, Christ.
It was a small snake.
Well, well, well.
You never welcomed her.
You called her vile.
That is a Iie!
Now, hang on, Ian, old man.
You have to admit,
you did have one or two Iittle
reservations about her character.
How dare you?
What the hell do you mean?
You handed her that halibut
and expected her to...
To what? To cook it?
That's all.
That's perverted exploitation?
But to be so desperate,
to behave without respect for me...
Now you strike me!
Maurice, please.
We come here every day.
They bring us croissants
with our coffee.
Did you see? I have been struck!
Get some sense into your thick skull
before you die, Ian!
You venomous rat! A dying man.
-A bloody fool, too!
-Right, Iet's have you!
-Oh, come on.
-I'II take you on.
Come on,
where are we going with this?
-He hit me again! Did you see that?
-Come on!
-What is this, catheters at dawn?
-Oh, shut up.
I'm going to have to bar
you two troublemakers.
-IAN: He started it!
-I did not!
-Yes!
-Out! I want you out! Out of here! Out!
MAURICE: AII right, I'm going.
Don't worry, I'm going.
-IAN: Get out of here! Get out!
-Out!
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hiya.
Can we come in?
Go on, ask him.
Maurice?
Do you want to go for a Iittle walk?
Exercise is good for some people,
I've heard.
(MAURICE MUTTERING)
(PEOPLE TALKING)
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
(HORSE NEIGHING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
MAURICE:
...barbarous, most degenerate...
"To be or not to be,
that is the question."
No! No! Out!
Out! Out!
-Out! Out!
-AII right, mate!
I ain't finished yet.
AII right, keep your hair on!
Keep your hair on, mate.
You invited us in, old man.
Come on, Iet's go.
And you are a dirty, dirty, old man.
And you are on your way.
-BOY: Oh, no, not the stick!
-Stop it!
I'm really frightened, Granddad.
Come on! Just Ieave the fucking door!
Come on. Stop fucking pissing...
-My fucking head is fucking hurting!
-Come on, then!
BOY: What's your fucking problem?
JESSIE: You stupid bastard,
what have you done?
JESSIE: Maurice!
Maurice!
Maurice! Open the door, Maurice!
(JESSIE SOBBING)
Are you responsible for this?
Hmm?
Apparently there was an intruder,
though there's no sign of forced entry.
-He was knocked down.
-Who was it?
POLICEMAN: Well,
I did ask for a description
and all he could say was,
"He was damned ugly".
He's a white male, in his early 70s.
-Romeo, Uniform, Sierra, Sierra...
-Well, you have to take him in.
If the worst comes to the worst,
tomorrow morning will be all right.
He can't stay here alone.
I'II phone you back.
Hi.
I'm having some trouble getting a bed.
He needs someone with him.
-Are you...
-No, of course not.
I could die at any moment myself.
I've got high blood pressure.
I've got chronic anxiety,
burning indigestion.
Yeah, okay. Right.
MAURICE: Venus.
Venus.
Who the hell is Venus?
I am.
He wants to see you.
He's asked if you'II Iook after him.
Her?
Yes.
I'm sorry.
PIease, forgive me.
Let it go, Maurice.
I'II do anything.
PIease.
I'II never be mean again.
Sorry.
JESSIE: I'm sorry.
Maurice?
Maurice?
Can you hear me?
Make a sign.
Maurice?
Look, Maurice.
"Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed,
"The dear repose
for Iimbs with travel tired,
"But then begins a journey
in my head."
What do you want?
Well, they're coming
to take you to hospital now.
But I've got you.
-Maurice.
-I have got a much better idea.
Have you?
(JESSIE GIGGLING)
I knew you would enjoy yourself.
I think we should go home now.
A Iittle Ionger.
JESSIE: Are you tired?
MAURICE: Oh, yes.
-What shall we do?
-Carry on.
JESSIE: Yeah.
Will you take off my boots?
-It's too cold, Maurice.
-I know. I know.
It was always bloody cold.
Will you?
Yeah.
(MAURICE LAUGHING)
Now
we can really talk.
Yeah.
(SNORING)
Maurice?
Maurice?
Maurice?
Maurice?
No, Maurice.
Maurice?
Maurice, wake up!
Wake up, Maurice.
JESSIE: Excuse me, excuse me.
I need to use your phone.
I think he's dead. I think he's dead.
I need to use your phone, please.
I need to use your phone.
PIease? PIease,
I need you to call an ambulance.
I don't know what to do.
I think he's dead. I think he's dead.
I don't know what to do.
-So it was you.
-What?
I'm his wife.
He was thinking about someone
and it was you.
Don't feel awkward. Ian told me.
Ian still won't talk to me.
He thinks I did for Maurice,
the paddling and stuff.
The paddling was marvelous,
the best way to go.
He really were a celebrity.
When you die,
everyone wants to be your friend.
What are you going to do?
I'm not going home.
I can't go back now.
And Ian won't have me in the house.
I've got somewhere
you could stay for a bit.
WAITRESS: Here we go.
Where's your friend?
God, he was gorgeous.
Yes, he was gorgeous.
She wants to return these.
Say thank you.
She wants to know
if you're still angry with her.
She says she's sorry.
Tell her I'm not angry now.
I just wasn't ready
for someone Iike her.
He says he's not angry...
She says she'II come round tomorrow,
if you want.
She'II cook you some fish.
Tell her
we can cook the fish
together.
Are you sure
you don't want to come in?
-No, no.
-AII right, see you then.
How many columns did he get?