1
- All right, my son? You look nervous!
- I am. How's it looking? All right?
- Yeah, looks great.
- How's the set? All right?
- Brilliant.
- Yeah, yeah. Audience are in?
- Yeah, they're all in.
- Beautiful. What about the guests?
Guests are there?
- Yeah, yeah. They're all in, Dad.
- Lovely, lovely.
All in. Don't worry.
What about, you know, the guy
that does the announcement?
What?
Oh, fucking hell.
And now...
live from London Town...
it's Verry Terry!
With tonight's special guests,
Mr Mickey Rourke
and Miss Anthea Turner.
And now, here he is...
Mr Terry Tibbs!
Ah. How are you? How are you?
How are you?
Look at her face. Sort it out,
sort it out.
How you doing? You all right?
How are you?
Terry Tibbs, we'll be working
together. Nice to see you, yeah.
How are you? Nice to meet you.
Terry Tibbs.
Take my card, take my card.
Hi, how are you?
How are you? Terry Tibbs.
Very nice to meet you.
Hi, Terry Tibbs.
Very nice to meet you.
Hi, Terry Tibbs,
very nice to meet you.
Hello. Welcome to Verry Terry.
And I'm very proud to say that I
have my son in the audience tonight.
Lionel, stand up for everyone.
This is my son, Lionel.
Lionel, everyone. Single.
He is single. Very good looking.
Also, I have my dear father
in the audience tonight,
ladies and gentlemen, that's right.
How are you dad? You all right?
Yeah, he's great. He's great.
He's having a good time.
Having a good time.
Now, let me tell you.
Now, we don't just gotoneguest,
oh, no.
We don't just gottwoguests, we...
Well, we got two guests, right,
but what we also got is a live band,
ladies and gentlemen,
He's actually sang at four
out of six of my divorces.
It's unbelievable.
First up, a man who needs no
introduction.
He's a Hollywood legend and star of
such movies as
9 Weeks, Rumble Fish, Angel Heart,
and, who could forget, his
Oscar-nominated turn in The Boxer.
The Wrestler, Dad, Wrestler.
Oh, fucking hell.
It's Mickey Rourke!
Mickey Rourke! Mickey Rourke!
Mickey! Mickey!
How are you?
Good. Looking good.
Yeah.
Let's do the thing.
You look good.
It's Mickey fucking Rourke,
ladies and gentlemen!
Just unbelievable.
It's fucking unbelievable.
You know they don't...
You can't leave a place
in a fucking tip!
Sorry about that, Mickey.
It's OK.
Yeah you take a seat, all right.
All right.
Fuck me, it's Mickey Rourke.
Unbelievable.
Did you fuck up the name of my movie?
I have to admit...
It's OK.
Mickey I did, I apologise.
I was getting carried away.
It's OK. We're good.
You see? Forgiveness.
Ain't that right, Mickey?
- We're good. We're all good.
- We're all good, yeah.
Me and Mickey are cool,
that's right, we're cool as...
As what? What are we like?
As a cucumber.
As a cucumber, yeah.
As a cucumber.
Yeah, I've heard about yours.
Yeah.
Fucking hell. Don't you think
Mickey's got a cool name?
Yeah.
It's not my real name.
Is it not?
My real name's Andre.
Andre? Andre Rourke?
Hi, my name's Andre Rourke
and I'm a Hollywood star.
What I wanted to say, Mickey,
you're in London Town,
and why are you in our great city?
Well, I was in a really lovely
city before I got...
I was in Wales.
Oh, Wales? Yeah.
Oh, Wales is lovely,
any Welsh people out here?
Yes!
Ah!
Oh, fucking hell.
Actually, stand up. We'd better
confirm this, Mickey.
Oh, yeah, she's very pretty.
She's got to be from Wales.
Oh, she's definitely Welsh.
Oh, yeah.
Can we invite her over?
- Oh, we could do later. Yeah?
- Yeah, I'm sure she'd love that. Yeah.
Move your little ass over here, baby.
Yeah, look at that.
I've seen it, Mickey, it's not that
little, to be honest.
Never mind. Did you get
a lot of attention in Wales?
And a lot of fat girls, yeah.
Oh. I like this guy.
Yeah.
Oh, fat girls. Oh, yeah.
Bouncing up and down, you know,
fucking nearly killing you.
I mean that's... How do you think
he ended up in a wheelchair?
Plus-size model fetish.
Yeah.
That's right. Look at him now, eh?
Yeah but you know what they say about
every fucking supermodel, right?
I know.
There's only so long one can
sit on your face
before you suffer irreparable
brain damage.
What are you doing in Wales?
I went to Wales to visit a friend
of mine who's a rugby player.
Yeah.
Who I'd met a couple of years ago
and asked him
if I could do his life story.
Gareth Thomas...
Gareth Thomas.
Now for those of you who don't know
who Gareth Thomas is...
You tell them.
Yeah, I will. Yeah.
Thank you.
Gareth Thomas is a Welsh rugby
player who's also a gay.
A what?
A gay. It was quite big news here,
you know...
Big news everywhere.
First gay sportsman to come out
the closet.
Big balls. Does he?
Yeah. You've seen them?
- Like grapefruits.
- Like grapefruits.
Grapefruits? Fucking hell.
Like coconuts.
Listen, I've got the number
of a very good plastic surgeon.
He reduced mine.
They were like a couple of melons.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah. I had to juice them daily.
Where are you staying?
Where?
- In London.
- I'm in Wales.
Oh, you're not Mickey, you're in...
Oh, OK. Right, yeah.
Where are you staying in London,
though?
Are you staying, are you going back
to Wales?
Well, I'm staying in Wales,
but I'm in London right now.
- Oh, right, and where are you staying?
- In Wales.
Oh, right. So you come to London
for the night,
you're going back to Wales.
I told you I was staying with
a fat chick in Wales.
In Wales.
In Wales.
That's amazing. I was going
to recommend the Premier Inn.
What's the Premier Inn?
Ah, let me tell you.
I'm glad you asked.
OK, I've got a sponsorship
deal going on.
I've got to do all this.
Mickey, the Premier Inn,
is the premier place to stay.
Yeah, but I heard it was
a really shit place.
Eh? Who told you that?
That's not true.
You get a complementary kettle
on arrival. That's right!
You get a range of hot and cold
beverages. That's right!
You get these little capsules,
right, with milk in,
and the milk doesn't need
to be refrigerated.
Actually, I'll tell you what,
I will give you, yeah,
cos you're dissing the Premier Inn,
I'm going to give you Colin's number
he's the area manager. All right?
And give him a call. Just tell him
Terry sent you, yeah?
Do you like an English breakfast?
Oh, you like a Welsh breakfast.
I wouldn't stay in the Premier Inn
even with my fat girl
if your life depended on it.
Verry Terry.
Oh, eh.
Wait a minute, Ferry Terry.
Ferry Terry?
- Ferry Terry.
- Ferry Terry.
Well, very Andre
and a little bit of Mickey.
Hey listen, fuck that.
I'm giving you
a recommendation, here.
I was about to write down a voucher
card that would have given you,
all right, late checkout and
an extra egg at breakfast time.
But now you can fucking forget it!
Ah. Hey.
Throwing my generosity
back in my face.
The truth is that
I'm a big fan of yours.
Thank you, Terry.
And I've seen most of your body
of work, you know,
and most of it is outstanding,
all right.
Now, I started off as
a car salesman.
- Right.
- All right, you know, being
a car salesman, all right,
is very much like being an actor,
you know, would you agree with that?
Sure.
Well, I'll tell you here,
bagged a little part as a bad guy
in the Turkish action hero
franchise, Suede Protector.
Yeah, that's right.
I made my movie debut in the sequel,
Suede Protector 2: Brown Velvet.
Run the tape.
There's a guy.
They say he can't be killed.
Suede.
They say he's part man...
part machine.
All suede.
I want you to find him.
And I want him dead.
Two. Blue Velvet.
Yeah, yeah.
Nice one. We'll get you a copy
on DVD.
That looks good that, right?
Terrific. I love the way that
it went up in the air.
Beautiful. All right.
I'm completely lost now.
Autocue, dad.
Eh? What?
Autocue.
Oh, yeah, the autocue.
Oh, thank God for the autocue.
What does it say
on my autocue, Mickey?
If he could give just one
piece of acting advice...
What would it be?
I would say try and complete
your sentences, you know,
that's a good start.
- Get a real job.
- Yeah, get a real job.
- Get a real job.
- That's why I got this job, yeah.
I like it when he does that.
That's good. The fist of peace.
Yeah, yeah.
Ain't that nice.
Did you learn that in Wales?
Yeah. When I was pounding
the fat girl.
Oh, Mickey! I'm trying to raise
the tone, you're lowering the tone.
Yeah, well.
- Mickey.
- Yes.
It's a bit of Mickey Rourke trivia,
yeah?
Yeah.
Apparently you don't watch
your films.
Right.
Until four and a half years
after you're made them.
Several.
Now The Wrestler's a very good film
and if you haven't seen it,
let me just explain
what The Wrestler's about.
Basically, right, Mickey plays
Randy the Ram Robinson, all right?
Now Randy the Ram
is a wrestler, OK,
and he does a lot of wrestling
and then he stops for a bit, yeah,
and then he starts wrestling again
and then he gets a bad back...
And a heart attack.
And a heart attack,
and then he starts wrestling again.
It's very, very good.
I like that film a lot.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oscar nominated may I add?
There.
Now apparently, Mickey, you once had
an erection for 9 Weeks.
True.
Fuck me. What's your secret?
We didn't talk.
You didn't talk?
No.
Oh you and... She's got a lovely
pair of Bassingers.
I understand. They even look lovelier
if you don't talk to one another.
Oh I bet, I bet.
- Yeah.
- What's her Kim like?
I don't know, I never got there.
Fucking hell.
I proposed it, but I got shot down.
Really, how did you do that?
You just laid it right on the table.
Oh no, I went straight up to her
and said I want to...
And she didn't do it?
No.
Hang about. You're doing it all
wrong then, you know? Right so...
Too forward.
Let's take it from the beginning.
So Kim Bassinger is on set.
She's completely naked, right.
Yeah.
You walked up to her.
No, I went to her when she was
dressed holding a balloon.
Holding a balloon?
Yeah.
Where the fuck was she?
A kid's party?
On the boardwalk.On the boardwalk?
Yeah. On her own?
Yeah. I just walked up and said
"My God, I want to give it to you
all night long, sweetheart".
Yeah?
She said "I don't think so, Mickey."
Fucking hell. Frigid bitch.
Never mind.
That's why you moved to Wales.
Fucking hell!
Mickey, have you ever made
a girl very angry?
All of them.
You make all of them angry?
All of them.
Why do girls get
so fucking angry all the time?
Exactly which is why it's time
for Terry's angry birds.
They're birds and they're angry
They're Terry's angry birds.
Fucking hell. That's good.
Let's play Terry's angry birds!
So, who's our first angry bird?
They're birds and they're angry
They're Terry's angry birds.
Lauren Richards. Where are you?
Oh, that's convenient isn't it?
Ain't that convenient?
So, Lauren, why are you an angry bird?
They're birds and they're angry
They're Terry's angry birds.
Why are you so fucked off?
He dribbles in his sleep
and I roll my face into it in the
night and it's just really annoying.
Fucking hell.
Where do we get these fuckers?
Eh? What have you got to
say for yourself?
She loves it.
You think she loves it? She does.
Do you love it?
No. Right, OK.
She doesn't love it!
Carrie Stanworth. Where's Carrie?
Hello. Oh, hello.
Ah-ha. Cue microphone. Oh, wow.
Stand up for everyone
and give us a spin.
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
Mickey, I think she might be
from Wales.
I'm half Welsh, actually.
Oh, right. The top half
or the bottom half?
- I love you, Mickey.
- Love you, too.
All right.
Carrie, why are you an angry bird?
He's married to me but I think
he should be married to my mum,
they get on far better.
Oooh!
And so why do you have a crush
on your wife's mother?
Well, my mother-in-law's more into
darts and football and politics
and fish fingers and things
like that.
Who wants to make the sexual
innuendo joke following that one?
You ever have a fish finger
up in Wales there, Mickey?
How many fish fingers does she like?
All of them.
Fucking hell. Fuck me.
All right.
You got your work cut out there,
darling.
Jeremy Kyle's two studios
down that way.
So, which one's the angriest bird?
Which one gets...
an all-expenses-paid dinner
for two
at Cafe Rouge?
So, who wins, Mickey?
It's number one. That's right.
Stand up, stand up.
Stand up, stand up.
All right.
You have won dinner for two with
the star
of the Suede Protector
action franchise!
Come on out, now.
Come on, take your prize.
Hang about, hang about, hang about,
hang about, hang about.
Run to him sweetie, run to him.
That's Mickey fucking Rourke.
I'm Terry fucking Tibbs
and this is Verry Fucking Terry.
Yeah, yeah. That's a good one, yeah.
I like that one.
That kills me every time.
Welcome back to Verry Terry.
Mickey Rourke is still with us.
How you doing, Mickey, all right?
Good. Very good.
I love you, Mickey.
Yeah, I love you, too.
I love you, too.
Now it's time to bring on
my next celebrity guest.
She is a former Blue Peter presenter
and reigning Royal Variety Club
of Great Britain
Showbiz Personality
of the Year, 1996...
it's Anthea Turner,
ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Hello.
Thank you.
Oh, beautiful.
Beautiful. Beautiful.
Anthea, how are you?
How are you, love...
Oh, hello, oh. Mm. Oh, yeah,
oh, yeah. How are you?
One more, mm, oh, one more.
Mm, two more.
Oh. Ha. Oh.
One on the forehead,
one on the forehead.
Thank you!
Yeah, that's good. Oh, fucking hell.
All right, sit down.
It's all right. How are you?
How are you, Anthea Turner?
Oh, yeah.
I must say, I've always wanted
my Blue Peter vag.
Badge, badge.
Now, you are the face,
are you not, of Create A Craft,
the website that allows you
to create whilst crafting.
Well, because I spent all those years
making things on Blue Peter...
Yeah, yeah.
I love craft
and I love making things...
You said that bit.
And so therefore, you know,
I'm probably the ideal person
to get Britain crafting.
Mm. There's not enough crafting
that goes on.
I know, but you can't
have idle hands.
You can't.
Mickey would know about that.
People are sitting at home
when they should be making things.
I just want to hear about
this Blue Peter thing.
Oh, Blue Peter. Oh, right, OK.
Cos Mickey probably thinks
that Blue Peter's a person...
I know. A lot of Americans think
it's a porn show and it's not.
About 60/65 years old,
runs a sex shop in Bermondsey.
He's probably in D Wing right now,
you know, doing 20-25. Anthea!
Sorry.
I was talking there and you
interrupted again. Unbelievable.
I thought it was a chat.
Oh, right.
Now you like to create, yeah?
Yeah.
You like to craft, yeah?
Yeah.
Are you ticklish?
Yeah.
Well, then let's
bring out a tickler!
Ah!
No, no, no! Leave him.
Get her, get her! Tickle her.
Tickle her.
That's it, that's it. Right there!
Get her!
All right, all right, all right.
Fucking hell, hey,
that was exhilarating, wasn't it?
Oh, dear. That was a bit...
I need to rearrange...
Oh, you like that?
Didn't touch you anywhere
he should have? Shouldn't have?
No, no, no, no.
It was above-board tickling.
Now, Anthea, you presented a show...
Ah.
Called A Perfect Housewife.
I did.
Now, sometimes we pay the price
for perfection, do we not, Mickey?
Sometimes things
get a little obsessive.
Sometimes we fall into addiction.
You ever had an addiction, Mickey?
You've got one now, haven't you?
Fat Welsh chicks.
20 a day apparently, fucking hell.
Is it true that you once had sex
with 15 women in one night?
Is that true?
Not supposed to talk about that.
Are you not?
Oh, well, that's good,
cos you nearly beat my record.
Oh yeah, yeah. 19. Fucking hell.
Had to sew it back on again.
Basically, I just wanted to say
that I have suffered an addiction,
all right, and I'm overcoming it
now, all right?
That was that I was a shopaholic,
and we'll see the trailer now
for this documentary
that deals with my shopaholicism.
Play the fucking tape.
For his whole adult life, Terry Tibbs
has been addicted to buying things.
Wooden ladders, talk to me.
And it's ruining his life.
I'll give you 49,999.
Fucking hell.
Terry's shopping compulsion has
led his son, Lionel, to seek help.
My own son.
We want to get into the inner Terry,
not the Terry that everybody sees.
Inner Terry, oh, yeah.
I want to get to the inner Donna.
Donna Dawson is a psychologist
who specialises in addiction.
We're going to get you through this.
Do you promise?
Yeah. Keep moving.
Come on, keep moving this way.
Look at me, look at me!
Focus. Focus. Look at me.
I can't look any more.
Look at me.
Good.
- I didn't buy anything.
- No.
Come on, you're almost
halfway through.
Halfway?
Almost.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
What was the last thing you buy,
Anthea, anything good?
- Pair of shoes this afternoon.
- Oh, fucking hell.
They were in a sale.
Oh, a sale. I love the sales.
Do you like the sales, Mickey?
The what, sorry? The south?
The sales.
Sales.
No, the sales.
Southern cooking?
No, no, the sales. The sales.
Oh.
The winter sales, the summer sales.
Sales, yeah.
Mid-season sales. Son, I'm having
a relapse. I'm having a relapse.
Oh, Terry. Hold onto it,
hold onto it.
Oh, that's good.
Now, I am an entrepreneur,
you know, I sell cars.
I take TV appearances.
I have my chat show.
I have a good fucking life,
you know?
And I'm trying to expand
the Tibbs' empire, right,
so what I'm doing is,
I'm releasing my own scent.
Ah.
Just kidding with you.
And it is... Head by Terry Tibbs.
Look at that. Ain't that nice?
Head by Terry Tibbs.
Yeah? You like that?
Thank you, thank you.
Oh, yeah, have a
little sniff of that.
Is it unisex?
Oh, no, no, it's not.
It's for men. It's very nice.
Have a little sniff.
You like that?
How lovely.
Yeah, that'd make a great present.
You could give
your dad Head for Christmas.
He'd like that, wouldn't he? Yeah?
That would be fabulous.
Anthea, you could give your dad
Head for Christmas.
He's an Old Spice man normally.
Oh, is he? Yeah. I bet he is.
Well, give him Head, he'd prefer it.
I will do.
Now, Mickey.
Yeah.
Have you had a nice time?
I've had a great time.
Great time.
Anthea, have you had a nice time?
I've had a lovely time,
thank you very much.
Audience, have you had a nice time?
Yeah.
That's right. Well, you know what?
I've had a better than nice time.
I've a better than better nice time.
In fact...
I've had the time of my life
And I've never
Felt this way before
Yes, I swear, it's the truth
And I owe it all to you
I've had the time of my life
And I owe it all to you
Rah, rah, ah-ah-ah,
Boom, ba wom, ba-ba
Oh, la, la-la-la
Want your bad romance.
Here they come, Mickey.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's a wrap.
Oh, yeah.
You know that I want you
You know that I need you.
Yes, I'm really not your type.
I want you bad
You bad romance.
I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of
Her cherry chapstick.
Oh, not this...
You know that I want you...
No, we've been through all this.
You know that I need you...
Listen, I'm really not
that type of guy.
I want you bad
You bad romance...
I want your loving
And I want your revenge
You and me
Could have a bad romance
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
I want your love
And I want your revenge
You and me
Could have a bad romance
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
Ah, ah, ah
Caught in a bad romance
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
La, la, la, la, la
Caught in a bad romance.
Fucking hell.
Rah, rah, ah-ah-ah
Roma, roma, roma-mah
Gaga, ooh, la-la
Want your bad romance.
This is Verry Terry.
This is Verry Terry thanking you.
Much love!