1
Cut!
What the fuck, Billy!
My arms are tired, mon.
Can we please take a break?
Your arms are tired?
All right. Five minutes. Okay?
- Have you been smoking?
- No, mon. Its in my clothes.
You know the deal. If you stay stoned,
you cant stay on the set.
Whatever!
Akasha! Where the hells Akasha?
Shes making blood for you. Right now.
Jesus! Okay. You all right?
Theres this one shot and were done for the day.
I wish. I still have a twelve to
two shift at the club tonight.
Te levo l. No se preocupe.
Ill get you there. Worry not.
Hey, Shane. Do you want to go ahead and get another one?
Yeah, okay.
Okay. And ... ACTION.
Acordou cedo.
What est fazendo?
Revisando dilogos.
Its too on the nose.
Who says?
Someone in the writers group.
How many scripts has he sold?
She. And maybe none.
But she talks like she knows a lot.
Yeah, well, talk doesnt always equal talent.
She says that readers will shit-can a script
if it doesnt have enough white space.
Isnt that the stupidest thing youve ever heard?
Im gonna make coffee. Do you work today?
Yeah. You?
Yeah. Until five. Do you want to eat out?
Can we eat in?
Sure. And when youre done
venting, keep revising.
Youre not beautiful when youre rational.
Thats good.
Chloe, sweet sistah!
What cha doin knocking down me door at daybreak?
Umm. Can you give the rent to Nelson today?
Yeah. All right. Ill hustle it up by noon.
Aah! Sweet sacrament. (kissing sound)
And sent.
Morning. You want coffee?
Thanks, but I gotta run.
Economics is kicking my ass.
Plus I gotta meet up with my professor before the test.
- Good Luck.
- Thanks.
Oh, well have rent for your dad tonight.
Oh, its no problem. My dadll pay the owner.
I can pay him later.
Okay
Whatll it be, ladies?
Hi..uh..can I get a uh two.. no.Ill have the .
the blue organic corn tortilla.
Wait, no.
Yeah, thats it. What do you want?
Let me see..
Oh my God! Stop!
I want the black bean, baja cheese...
Hello!!
- Take the order please, thanks.
- Right away.
Shane! Ai meu deus, Shane!
Shane. Shane, my cat Bebe is up on the roof. (Unintelligible). Shes been up there for a day and a night with no water and no food. Can you please, please, please go up there and get her?
Sure, Ms. K., Ill save your cat.
Okay. Put on these gloves. Youre gonna need them. And these goggles. Oh, and Ive got some oysters. She loves oysters.
Okay. Bebe! Youve got this. Youve really got this.
Here kitty kitty kitty kitty.
Here kitty kitty kitty kitty.
Do you see her?
Uh no, not quite.
Shes a black with white. Kitty!
Uh, yeah I see her
Whats the look on her face?
Uh vengeance.
dear sir.
Big House Pictures, LLC, does
not accept unsolicited blah blah blah.
Hey. What happened? So? Its not your first. Thought we were going to start using these as wallpaper. Come on! You know its good. You made the finals at the New Orleans Horror Film Festival. We just have to keep sending it in.
Hey. What happened? So? Its not your first. Thought we were going to start using these as wallpaper. Come on! You know its good. You made the finals at the New Orleans Horror Film Festival. We just have to keep sending it in.
Why? No ones gonna read it. Im unrepped
Why? No ones gonna read it. Im unrepped
- What about more festivals?
- At fifty bucks a pop?
- Yeah Hows the new piece coming?
- Well
Enough with the self-pity. I hate seeing you like this.
Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
Start something new.
Anything.
- Trust me on pizza?
- Sure.
Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
I figured what the hell
I couldnt sit around waiting for Hollywood to call.
I knew I had a solid story.
I just decided to do it myself.
And thats how the Maine Machete Massacre
came to be. The rest as they say
The rest as they say
Chill, Brah.
What happened?
- Your imbecile brother nearly got us arrested.
- It was nothing.
We was at a fucking red light. This motherfucker
took a goddam toke just when a cop car pulls up.
He didnt look at us.
No harm, no foul, mon.
You know what? I dont understand. If thats nothing,
I damn sure dont want to see something.
That man is wound way too tight.
No consigo a I cant open it. Its too tight.
What? What is it?
A nightmare. Oh, man.
Its just a dream, babe. Its just a dream.
Yeah. But a good one.
(book says)Movie Making for Morons
You take these cheerleaders to this really scary house, right?
And these murderers are gonna be there and theyre just gonna kill them off one by one.
The original idea was to break as many rules as possible,
but still make a movie that people wanted to watch.
It was kind of anarchic from the get go. We called out company Wing Films from winging it.
We wanted to completely throw away the three-act structure.
The whole idea of turning points, barriers pushing us into acts.
- And because we were using our own money.
- Mostly our own money.
And because we were shooting mostly with friends,
we didnt have to worry about a bunch of suits
dictating to us. It was very liberating.
We could call it Virgin Cheerleaders in Chains.
Can someone get that?
Whos coming? Are we expecting guests?
Damn it. Excuse me.
Woah! Just watch the bong, mon.
- Hey, look whos here.
- Hey, Nelson.
Akasha. Brian.
Oh, got the red wine.
Hey, you guys!
- I didnt know they were coming.
- I thought youd want them here.
Brian. Akasha.
Its nice to see you guys. Its been a while.
Whats been happening?
Ah, making ends meet. I dont know.
I got a commercial next week.
- Doing effects for a student film.
- Thats really cool.
I dont know, man. What about you, right,
like, youve got to be writing something right now.
Gotta wait until after dinner for the big surprise.
Really!! Cool! I dont know. Awesome.
Hey, how you doing? You all right?
Right on, mon.
You want to smoke a bong?
Why not? Yeah
Just got to find a lighter, mon.
- Hey, great meal, guys.
- Thank you.
- So, whats the big news?
- Hold on, mon.
Let me prepare meself
for the revelation.
- You sold Creature.
- No.
What? What then?
First the bad news...
Im not going to sell Creature.
Its a hundred mil project. Its not a sequel,
a remake, or an adaptation.
- Hollywood wont even read it.
- But it'so good.
Now for the good news.
Chloe and I are writing a new screenplay.
Virgin Cheerleaders in Chains.
Boomshaka, mon.
- The title alone will sell it.
- Were not going to sell it.
- Were gonna make it.
- How?
- With all your help.
- Hoo hoo. Hell yes.
- All right. Im in.
So, ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses.
To Virgin Cheerleaders in Chains.
And to Hollywood
... Aw go fuck yourselves.
First impressions?
Well, I like it.
Good pacing, and I really like that Chloe
I do, too. Even more than I like Shane.
But whos the protagonist?
You gotta have a clear protagonist
in the first fifteen minutes.
I dont think the audience is
asking that question. I dont.
I dont.
Hey. You get points for originality.
You know, your weird structure.
It is that. Shane, if youre gonna go all
Charlie Kaufman on us, dont confuse us.
Say yeah, man, I am already lost.
Babe, this does not work for me.
Why not?
It adds an unnecessary level.
The whole point was to go meta.
Meta, yes. Meta meta, no.
Besides its too self-indulgent.
- That never stopped QT.
- We are not QT.
Okay. Where are we going for dinner?
What are we doing here?
What do you think? Were casting.
Hey, Morris.
Cousin Chloe. Hows it going, Shane?
And its Mo now because
I got Mo of everything.
Umm .. Hows Aunt Mildred?
Oh, shes doing great, still baking banana bread.
Ill have to bring you some.
Hows the .. uhharem?
You know. Same ol same ol. They come. They go.
Jessica last week. Tiffany the week before.
I mean poof.
No call. No nothin.
By the way, I ran into Brian last week.
Virgin Cheerleaders. Its brilliant.
Actually, thats why were here.
Do you have any strippers that have acting experience?
You kidding me? Every pole dance
is a one-woman show.
- You guys believe in serendipity?
- I guess. Why?
Eyes on the stage.
Rein your eyes in there, cowboy.
So we go to a gentlemens club
to find our lead actress.
- And she did not disappoint.
- No.
So Amber is a theater major. I gotta go.
Ill be back.
So its a horror film. Would you be interested?
Yeah. For sure.
Awesome. Awesome.
Youve seen my tits. Youve heard me scream.
Do I get the part?
She told us do I get the part.
Just from one scream, and uh uh yeah.
What did your dad say?
He say hell match dollar for dollar for
whatever money we raise.
But that fuckers rich like The Donald, mon.
Im sorry, mon. I didnt mean fucker.
I meant like hes got the money.
Yeah, yeah. But he wants commitment,
and the commitment that equals money.
Well, this is our guide.
We need eight thousand to make something
that will get us into festivals.
So how can we come up with the other four thousand?
Ladies and gentlemen, watch this and be amazed.
In the end they wwill need just one more thing.
To survive!
Well get it on YouTube and some crowdfunding sites.
Dont you need a script to
show investors, though?
You would think, but the money
comes first, and then we write to our resources.
Yeah, and investors dont read scripts anyways.
Well shoot some scenes as proof of concept, use that to raise the four, and then its festival time.
Arent you getting a little ahead of yourself?
Shane tends to do that.
We were adamant that we were no
t making a slasher film, no torture porn.
Mesmo se a gente quisesse,
e a gente no queria,
Even if we wanted to, which we didnt,
we could never compete with the Saw or Hostel franchises.
So we made the decision early on to limit blood loss.
That was the original plan. As anyone whos seen the
movie knows, events sort of conspired to change that plan.
Cut.
Great job, everybody.
Damn. Akasha did an amazing job. This looks just like me.
- Yo, that could be you.
- Yeah, it could.
Hey, do you think we could use
this knife for the next shot?
Its not a knife. Its a machete.
Hey, guys, lets head out.
Akashas waiting for us at the pub.
Okay, wait. Lets break this all down first.
Ill swing by after I drop Amber off at work.
OK.
Well save a pint for you.
But hurry.
Hey, that scream was really good.
Really. Holy crap. You know Its really that scary.
Thank you.
I thought someone was dying earlier. I really did.
Clearly someone dies.
Where were you?
Amber asked for a ride after her shift.
Should I be worried?
No.
No ..dont dont worry.
Hey, Mike. Hows it hangin?
Firme feito martelo.
Like a hammer, son. And, no, I do not have the obscure
fucking Bulgarian horror classic that only you and a couple of your friends know about.
Im doing okay myself.
But Im not here to rent.
Speaking of classics, Chloe and I watched M3 last week.
Well, thank you..
Ill get a few pennies for that.
So, what brings you in?
- Chloe and I are writing a new script.
- That's cool
We were wondering if you might like to help.
I kind of had you in mind for a part.
Whats the part?
Well, youd play yourself. Mike Beale.
Youd even have a shop just like this.
A horror movie?
Is there another kind?
Whats your budget?
Eight thousand.
For a feature.
Eighty-five pages. Ninety minutes with the end credits.
- That aint low. Thats no.
- Gotta be deferred payments.
- That or a percentage?
So you need me for distribution.
Cant deny it.
But look, the story needs you. In fact,
it cant work without you.
- Dont bullshit me , Shane.
Im not. Serious as a corpse.
- All right.
Ill look at it.
This aint eighty-five pages.
Its.. uh work in progress?
Okay, Dad.
I understand. Ill call you.
Bye
Okay. So I got this great idea.
What happened? Who died?
- My dad is backing out.
- Why?
- He cant commit without a script.
= Then well give him one.
Shane, do you know where
this thing is going? Because I sure dont.
I know we have a third act.
Umm sort of.
And I just found the person we need for it.
Mike Beale. The Man. The Legend.
Machete Mike?
I believe you just busted our non-existent budget.
Hes in for a percentage. Plus, heres the kicker.
Hes got our third act location for us.
Hey, are you sure you know where were going?
Im just following Mikes directions.
Yeah, well we havent seen a house in miles.
I grew up in country like this. Loved it.
- Surely you jest.
- Im not.
It's beautiful.
Fresh air. Quiet.
And dont call me Shirley.
What did you do for fun?
Took long walks. Played with my dog. Swam in the pond.
And read like crazy.
- Really?
- What?
You dont think strippers can read.
That is so sexist, Nelson.
Technically its only sexist if
I only thought male strippers could read.
I used to read, mon.
Thats it. I think were lost. Im calling Mike.
- Shit. Still no cell reception.
- Mike said it might be spotty.
Okay. I give up. Lets just go home.
We definitely need a location manager.
I've got something.
- Hows it going?
- It' going.
Its cool, mon. Its like Arts and Crafts class.
What do you think?
What is it?
Our poster.
Getting ahead of yourself again.
My father would always say,
Youre putting the cart before the horse.
Horses. Carts. Nelson, you need to
drag your butt into the 21st Century.
- It means ..
- I know what it means.
No, mon. I think Nelsons right.
You got to put the horse before the cart.
Hows our fundraising coming along?
We raised seventeen hundred.
Yes. Twenty-three hundred more and we are a go.
Twenty three hundred and a script.
Remember what Nelsons dad said.
Im thinking.
Im thinking what if we did a fundraiser.
Chloe, your boss, Angela, shes in a band, right?
- Yeah.
- Think shes do a benefit for us?
I can ask.
And, Nelson, if we can set it up, get your dad to come.
Yeah. I guess.
Hey, Mr. Businessman. Hows it going?
Damn good. Check this out. We sold eighty tickets online. Not too many people showed up. But we did get a lot of money thank you, Sir
- Minus the expenses for the club.
- Enough with the expenses, Man. Let me enjoy sixteen hundred..
- Is your dad here?
- Yeah. Hes in the restaurant.
Oh oh, just so you know, Billy walked in there earlier.
I do not want him near my dad. Hes pretty . fucked up. So.
. just be careful.
Weve got our actors, weve got our locations set, so we pretty much have our movie.
We can make it, and we can sell it. With your help, of course.
I like your plan. But you have to write it before you make it. And until I see
a script, all I can give you is my best wishes.
A what?
A SCRIPT.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
We are called SupeRette.
This next song is called Karma.
Yes! Yes! My gosh. Fantastic set, Angela.
- Thank you so much.
- You guys are awesome.
I mean play it loud. Yeah!
We like to do that. Thats for sure.
Ill see you guys on set, okay?
You guys are awesome.
I dont know how were ever going to repay you.
Did you not tell him?
Angela wants to be on the crew.
Sweet! What do you want to do?
Well, Ive done location scouting before, so I thought maybe I could go to the property early and handle the catering or sleeping quarters.
That would be totally awesome.
- Theres one catch though.
- What?
Id like my band to be in the movie.
Of course.
- Yeah, I dont do that.
- She doesnt do that, babe.
Nelson, what are you doing with those people?
Is Billy all there?
Hes not stupid. Hes okay when hes ..
When hes not smoking.
Come on. The man reeked of pot.
And Shane and Chloe. What? Guy works in a taco shack, and what does she do?
Oh, yeah, sells popcorn at the multi-plex.
Cut them some slack. They were English majors.
Youre a semester away from an MBA.
And Im going to finish it.
I just think
I just think theyre on to something.
And I want to be part of it.
Your name in lights. Thats what its all about, right?
- Dont let it blind you, son.
- Dad, I wont. I I promise.
Focus on the finish line.
I will.
But will you still help us?
Not without a script.
And a good one at that.
Sugar?
You know I dont take sugar.
4200 dollars.
- What did your dad say?
- He said he wants to see a script.
Come on, man. You said yourself
lets give him one
- Yeah, well, we would if we could.
- Ive never had writers block this bad.
Lets just throw some shit down.
Maybe he wont even read it.
Oh, no, hell read it all right.
He has a highly trained shit detector.
Well, how far into the script are you?
Were almost at the midpoint.
- You said we had a third act.
Depends on how you define have.
Im afraid were going to have to do something I never wanted to do.
Theres more in the fridge, man.
Damn. Please get rid of this shit.
Hey, man, somebody call about a refrigerator?
Anybody call for maintenance?
Yeah, mon, so glad you could make it.
Im Billy.
Im Tom. Tom Kendall.
This is my friend Nelson.
wow.
Don' mind me.
Refrigerator is the kitchen. Nelson will show you the way, mon.
Whats wrong with the refrigerator?
Chloe, sweet sistah,
please tell me you noticed the ice cream.
Whats wrong with the ice cream?
Whats wrong with the ice cream?
Whats wrong with you, mon?
The ice cream is way too soft.
Obviously the machine is not
operating at its full capacity.
You know I dont know what the hell Billy is
talking about. Something wrong with the ice box.
Well, lets have a look here, and see what we can find.
Phones ringing. Shane, can you handle that for me? Thanks.
Hello.
Yes, sir, this is a real common problem this time of the year.
Little old filter here
itll stop up and shut the whole freezer down.
Just about every six months or so, take it out of here, clean it up,
pop it back in place,
Bobs your uncle.
What do we owe you?
Nada.
Ill send the bill to Westgate Management.
Say, are you guys filmmakers or what?
We are in pre production
Hell, man, Im an actor.
really?
Yeah. Tell me about your film.
Of course.
Umm. Listen, I tell ya, man,
Id really really like to be part of this now.
Hell I dont mind deferred pay at all.
Im a hell of an actor.
Give me that show reel.
We dont have our bad guy yet.
I tell you what. You need somebody to chain up virgin cheerleaders,
Im your man, buddy.
Oh, God, time flies when Im drinkin beer.
I gotta book.
Ill get you that reel though
Is that Tom the refrigerator guy?
- He is good.
- And cheap, too.
Im gonna meet with him tomorrow.
I miss this.
Me, too.
- I heard a cool line today.
- Yeah?
Yeah, someone, some guy used it on Amber at the club.
He said, How about some honey for some money?
Wow.
You really know how to kill a moment.
What?
Hon, if you dont know.
I just thought it was a cool line. We could have a scene where shes leaving the club
What is it with you two?
What do you mean?
I mean that youre spending more
time with her than with me.
Her cars in the shop.
Besides shes got some good story ideas.
Oh, yeah, does she keep them right here
because thats all I ever see you looking at.
Come on, you know I like small boobs.
Wow! You did not just say that.
No, I didnt. I..I..I mean I did, but II didnt mean,
you know what I mean.
Im gonna go downstairs.
Vou encontrar com a Angela, ela vai na
locao, vou mostrar as instrues para ela.
Im meeting with Angela to give her directions.
Can we talk?
I love you.
You sure you dont want any?
No no no no. Dont let me have any, please.
I hate that this is happening.
You dont know that this is happening.
I think I know that this is happening.
Well, did you ask him?
Yes. He said that I had nothing to worry about.
Then you probably have nothing to worry about.
Why do I have these bad feelings?
Look, even if he, if hes attracted to her,
its not going to last.
How do you know?
My husband looks at women all the time.
Most men look at women all the time.
Its in their genes. They cant help it.
Doesnt mean hes going to do anything about it.
A lot of men do.
Well, a lot of men are dirty, filthy pigs.
Shane, Shane loves you.
He really does.
Thank you, Angela.
For what?
For
listening.
Coma o sorvete.
Eat your ice cream.
Hey, hows the house?
Yeah, so, we tried to find the place. We even had directions, but we still couldnt find the house.
You couldnt find the house?
Well, thats why you need me.
Its right out there by the 420 and 22.
Theres a Y.
Theres a huge cow with polka-dots on it.
And no clue.
Listen, this is why you hired me.
Im your location scout. Ill go up there right now.
And Ill call you when I get there.
Done!
We were lucky.
Not everyone was.
No question it was . a killer shoot.
Hello.
Hello,
Hello,
Mr. Fish?
Wicked array, mon.
Were using all of this?
Were not sure. Were still writing.
Oh, yeah. Hey, we can use mine. Boomshaka!
I think we have all that we need.
- Yeah, well, were definitely going to use this.
- Why?
What the fuck, Dude?
Cool, mon. You got me.
Let me see this thing.
Fuck you.
- What do you want to say to your friends?
Dont. Dont. Please dont.
Don't.
Fuck you. Fuck you.
I still cant get ahold of Angela.
We know the service is crappy there.
Yeah, but she sent this weird text.
It just said, Dont.
It can mean almost anything.
Are we still going up there.
Yeah. Were all meeting here at three.
Then were a GO.
My indie guidebook says if theres a problem in production,
work around it. Make it the characters problem.
Fuck you.
- Are we rolling?
Is it okay to talk about that?
Im not sure uh
I think were gonna have to stop here.
All right, guys. Were losing light.
- All right. Were locked and loaded.
Okay, everybody, lets go wrap this movie.
Oh, Captain! My Captain!
Really creepy place.
I'm Ginger.
I'm a big fan.
Thank you. You know I started in
the drama department youre in.
I know. I follow your career.
You know its funny. I always joke with my friend Julie whos here that if
I were ever in any kidnapping situation, I would get Stockholm syndrome with you.
Get it up, Billy!
Hey, you dropped your knife.
Its not a knife. Its a machete.
Okay, everybody. Lets get inside. We need to organize. Were filming later.
Is angela here?
- I was going to ask you. She never showed.
Im sure shes all right. Probably got hung up somewhere.
Im sorry. I just couldnt help myself.
You got us.
Why you all wouldnt be here if it wasnt for this movie.
Made Mike here famous.
Mike, say grace.
Our father,
bless this food which we receive from your
bounty with humility and gratitude.
And bless our friends from the big city.
Help us to show them the time of their lives. Amen.
Amen.
Amen
One mre thing.
No humans were harmed in
the making of this sausage.
Namaste, yall
Save room for dessert. Were having
fresh rhubarb pie.
. Get away, Tom.
What?
Not you. The dog.
They are beautiful, Mr. Fish.
Thank you, but I don't know how they got out.
Otto, come get these dogs.
I'm sorry, Mr. Fish. Tom, Harry, Venham.
They look well behaved. Do you train them?
To do what
Hello, you know, did they remind you
Let me answer that
You just saw Tom and Harry
They have a problem. Dick.
um until Couple of months ago.
I was shaving with my own striped razor as usual
Damned if I didn't going cut myself
I looked at Dick
He snarled at me preparing to leap
"Stay, Dick, stay"
He jumped at me and I had to gut
him with my own raisin
So.
To answer your question
Yes, they will remind me, as long
as they don't smell any blood
You at dog person?
Yes. I love dogs.
And they love me
Like a bitch in heat
I'm sorry?
I said I pinched my hip.
You wouldn't pinch your hip
if you got out of the chair more often
So, you can walk?
Oh yeah, he can walk.
I can get around a little .
Maybe to the door and back
Dr. say I have some kind of nerve condition
- You got lazi-itis is what you got.
Youre a harsh taskmaster, Mike.
Speaking of tasks, whos on kitchen duty?
I'm so full
Where is Angela?
Don't!
Simmering pigs' feet
Not ready to pickle yet
I thought it smelled familiar
Young people. This old man is going to bed
Thank you for dinner, Mr. Fish. .
Thank Mike. Hit into cocaine.
Don't forget to turn on the fence
Don't know what good it does. Fence in the back got a whole you could drive a tractor through
Turn on the fence?
We had to electrify it
Keeps that drunken teens from town out.
And other critters.
Hey, what's that shed out therefore
That's uncle Al's inner sanctum
Where the keeps his
Collection.
What does he collect?
Stuff.
I'll say.
Where is everybody anyway?
Setting up for those scenes.
One more thing.
After the shoot,
Don't go wandering around.
Easy to get lost
78 Alpha, take 01.
Attention. Everybody.
This is how our all-is-lost moment
Ginger and Julie, you are dead.
Oh, got it
You were great dead at the rehearsal.
Thank you.
I'm in the middle. Obviously
I still have some fight left in me.I know that
Tom is going to come through that door any moment
Jeez, Mike.
Alright
Mike, thank you.
Julie, raise your arms on towards the light.
Alright, guys, we're set
And...
Action!
Cut!
How was that?
- Ok. just to be safe do another one.
- Ok? That was fantastic!
Just to be safe.
We're going to do a reverse and
then break for tonight.
We can let them rest, and then
we'll talk later in the library
Yeah.
You guys want to see the playback?
This is a nice place for creepy house.
Yeah, I like it. It's a nice bed too.
- really nice bed
- really nice bed
- went to try out the bed?
- I do want to try out the bed
Unfortunately, I need to go downstairs.
Shane needs me right now
Does Shane need me?
I need you. No, Shane doesn't need you now.
Later. It's easy stuff like cuts and bruises.
A snap for you.
You're so full of yourself
So I'll see you down in a little bit
Yeah. I'm just going to take a shower
And maybe walk around a bit
Okay. Watchout.
Bye.
You realize we have no backstory for this house?
So?
How about this?
This is a phone for unwed mothers, ok?
cause back then getting knocked up out of wedlock
was like, you know, a badge of shame and shit
So, parents sent their daughters here
To raise kids
And then like, you know, while there are where
away they just tell the neighbors they're in Europe or something
What happened to the kids?
I don't know. They grew up..
It doesn't matter. It's a one line fix.
I hate exposition.
You think these dolls are haunted by the
ghosts of the kids who died here
Absolutely. This room is so freaking creepy.
It was right here
Actually, I saw and what those ghost shows
dolls are vessels for human spirits
You have been watching way too much TV
- really?
- that's true.
Seriously though, if I had known we were going to
be sleeping in the children of the corn bedroom,
I would have brought more Xanax.
This is so cool.
If by cool, you mean creepy
No. And actual movie. The real thing.
I feature.
And with Mike Beale.
Hey, why can't we see a script?
What script?
Just be glad you ladies to those improv classes.
Okay?
Did you not take those improv classes?
I took three hours. It was amazing.
I was amazing.
The professor got me high.
What's hi going to say no?
I'm going to take care something.
You guys have fun.
Be right back.
Wait. What are you guys going
to do while I'm gone?
- We'll think of something.
- Definitely.
I'm sure you will.
Be good.
We will.
- I want that Maine Machete Massacre mask
- You think Billy and Nelson will help us?
- Sure they will.
Come in.
Shane isn't here. He and Brian are going
over the scenes for tomorrow.
I'm not looking for Shane.
Can I come in?
Sure.
What are you doing?
Just reworking some dialogue.
Yeah. Because there are screams
and then there are screams
What is it you want to talk about?
I want to clear up any misunderstandings.
Like what?
Like that I'm interested in Shane.
Well, maybe you should tell him that.
Hi will. But I wanted to tell you.
Remember how I told you I was raised
in countries like this?
My grand parents raised me. I was homeschooled.
And the only other kids my age where these
two sisters that lived on a farm nearby.
And at night and we would sneak out
and go skinny-dipping
And...
We would have a lot of fun.
If you know what I mean.
- I'm making you uncomfortable.
- no.
No, you are not making me uncomfortable.
Chloe, I never developed any interesting boys.
Sorry.
Man, you could have fooled Shane.
Holy cow.
When he first saw you at the strip club,
he was like...BOING!
I kind of get that a lot from men.
Hazards of the job.
Women too though.
- I am making you uncomfortable.
- No. No.
You are not making me uncomfortable.
You have read Henry James, right?
Yeah. Sure. Turn of the screw.
You know how he says:
be one for whom nothing is lost.
Shane loves you so much.
Surely you know that.
I know.
And don't call me Shirley.
That's my line.
Guys, we shouldn't be in here.
- What are you afraid of, Nelson?
- I'm not afraid of anything. I'm just saying.
Nelson is a good little Boy Scouts.
Always staying on the straight and narrow.
You should open up a bit.
You got any smoke?
Now. I swore off to herb
until the end of the wrap party.
Right, Brah?
Hell no!
It was worth the try.
Come on. Let's check out the area.
Check out this oven.
Oh man, you could bake so many goodies in here.
What was that noise?
Is this still on?
Why does Mr. Fish needs something this big?
I don't know. Let's find out.
It's locked.
Well, I learned a few things in prison
Where you in prison?
No, but I've seen the movies.
Just open it.
Why are you trying to find Mike Beale's mask?
Can't we just go make out something?
Because it's the real mask. From the Maine Machete Massacre films.
An original prop.
Scoobie's here, mon.
My god.
- Are those real?
- Artificial, mon.
Found it!
Ginger!
Ok. Otto test chase Nelson and Billy upstairs.
Is got them cornered. He's got a knife.
How do we get these guys back downstairs?
Doesn't matter.
We'll fix it later
Shit! My glasses!
My ankle. I twisted my ankle
Let's go!
You go, man. I'll hold them back
I thought you were pacifist.
I am. But I don't think he is.
Let's go.
Jump!
You got this. Come on Billy
Why the fuck is there a bear trap doing here?
Shit. Another one?
No pothead messes with my dog.
And then he's like: it's not big deal, babe
Do it again.
It's not a big deal, babe.
He would kill me if he knew I was telling you this story.
Oh my God.
What?
The mysterious shed is open.
What does that old fart keep in there anyway?
Mike sad that he collects stuff.
You want to go find out what stuff?
That sounds stupid enough.
Let's do it.
There's nothing that makes you feel fresh and
new is a shave and a shower. I tell you that.
You looking for the bathroom?
Well, you go to the top of
the steps. Then you go left. You go right .
Thank you.
I do not like cutting that volleyball scene.
Right, but
It's time.
It's money.
And we're arriving low on both.
I know.
What's a slasher movie without
sexy girls playing volleyball?
And we're losing that great line.
Get it up! Get it up!!
Well, you know what they say..
Sometimes you have to kill your little darlings.
Now quit flopping around like that.
You're gonna yourself.
Look what I found.
I found your little friend.
Man, I thought I had lost that one.
Yeah, I thought I had lost you, little fella.
What
the fuck was that?
Hush. You push that screaming out now.
You save that for later.
Dammit. Don't sneak up on me.
You scared the shit out of me
I ain't even through playing with this one yet.
Let me get a damn souvenir.
That' tough.
That's tough.
I'm going to go check. Hello.
Work on that ending, alright, man?.
Akasha!
Akasha, are you..?
What the fuck...
You little shit!
What's that?
I don't know.
Do you think these are his collections?
I don't know.
Tiffany / blood feast
Hannah / The Gore Gore Girls
Robin' worst nightmare?
So mundane
Shit!. Holy I think these are snuff films.
No, thats an urban legend, Amber. This is from
a Herschell Gordon Lewis movie. This is not real.
That's real.
Hey, girls!
Me and Akasha have a great idea for a scene.
When I see it?
This one's still alive.
I ate when I get that in my eye.
Catch you later.
What's going on, ladies?
Oh my god. That's blood, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
Here. I know whether master fuse box is.
If I cut the power you can go out and go for help.
I'm not leaving you here.
Just go!
Now.
Well, looks like we've got a blown fuse.
I can give you a lot more pleasure alive than dead.
I'm sure you can.
Why don't you open that up and let's
see what you've got to play with.
You got three things I look
for most in a woman
Yeah, what's that?
Obedience
and perky tits.
Why don't you relax and let me
have a look at that zipper of yours?
I don't think that would be
a good idea after your last little stunt
You know I didn't mean anything by it.
Let me make up to you.
How's that zipper calming, baby?
Real good.
Now!
Where the hell is everybody?
What do you want to do?
I want to get the fuck out of here.
I guess we have to get Shane first.
Brian?
Brian?
Did you steal your movie blood all over the place?
Mr. Fish is going to kill us if we ruin floor.
Jeez.
Oh, Brian
Shane, Shane...
You getting close that all-is-lost feeling?
That's what your movie has to go, right?
It sucks by the way
That looks painful.
Oh God, stop!
Where are the others?
Some of them are right here.
Well. Two and half of them.
I have to leave you for a minute, Shane.
But you can watch one of my
home movies while you wait.
See if you can recognize the male lead.
Not the fucking face. Get the thumb!
You some cold bitches.
Drop it.
You too.
Put these on.
Que merda essa?
Version cheerleaders - the movie?
We're not virgins.
You ain't cheerleaders either..
But you will be in chains.
Help.
You guys gotta help.
They're killing everybody!
Whoa there, young fella.
Who's killing who?
Back at the house. They're
killing everybody. You guys gotta...
Is that your blood?
Some of it.
Hey you been smoking?
Now, it's in my clothes.
No. I had to kill a dog and Nelson
got stuck in a bear trap.
Explain this.
I was saving this for the wrap party.
Wow, rapper boy. Explain it to
the judge on Monday
No, Monday will be too late.
They will all be dead by then.
You girls are ready for primetime.
Mike, are you there?
I'm here. What do you want?
I want to know what the fuck is happening?
When I find out, I'll let you know.
What?
I said I'll let you know when it's time.
Then get a move on, goddamnit!
I will. God damn you.
You girls be good now.
Hurry.
I'll be okay. Go!
Fake!
Busy night.
That still hurts?
Where is Chloe?
Where is Amber?
Tied up at the moment.
Did you like my movie?
I know. Crappy production value.
Surprised you didn't figure it out.
A repairman who just happens to be an actor?
Coincidence? I think not.
I sent Tom to you, Shane.
I manage Fair Oaks Properties.
Now.
I'm going to take your mind off of that pain.
But like any good doctor.
I want to explain what I will be doing
I'll make an incision right here.
Stop, Mike! God dammit. Stop.
What the movies never show is.
How is the intestines just explode.
Out of any opening down here.
They're under so much fresher.
Fuck, Mike. Why are you doing this?
Let me see. How about this?
I'm a psychopathic sadist.
Will that do?
It's time to get to work.
We'll have to start without Tom.
Just like in your movie,
Which I don't see getting into any film festivals,
A small difference
I'm here
And this ...
is
real!
Hello, little girl.
Where is Shane?
He's back in the shed with Mike.
Making a new movie for my collection.
It's a closed set.
Why are you doing this?
Killy is a lot more fun when you
make a game out of it.
It's not again.
Don't you know better and to
bring a knife to a gunfight?
It's not a knife.
It's a machete!
Stay, Harry! Stay!
Jesus, I have way too many machetes.
Don't be a pussy, Shane.
I've made that cut on dozens
of women and haven't lost but two.
But they all scream just like you, by the way.
You ready?
This is going to stink a little bit.
No. No. No.
Get away from him, you twisted fuck.
Chloe to the rescue!
Man, v you could make a young Ripley.
I'll be fair.
Much better.
You bastard!
Please. I just choked her out.
This is gonna be fun.
I'm going to cut you in half.
Beginning right here.
I don't think so, fuck face.
Wrong blade, bitch.
Hey, Mike?
See, Shane?
Just like I said.
Wait!
Leave the gun.
Get the camera.
And cut!
It's a wrap!
Really cut.
I want one more.