DARLENE:
You know, relationships can be
a lot like a loaf of bread.
At the beginning,
they're hot and fresh,
and you can always get a rise.
But with time, if you don't
knead 'em carefully,
they grow old and stale.
Now, I know that life
ain't no Easy-Bake oven.
But with the kids
and my husband's job,
it's almost as if we've
forgotten to add the yeast.
So I'm hoping this trip to Reno
with our best friends,
Candy and Roy,
will be just what
the doctor ordered.
"F"...
"L"...
"O"...
Can't you see it, Darlene?
No. It's kinda hard
to make out.
[Sighs]
I think I'm just nervous, doc,
'cause Lonnie Earl and I have
got to go on vacation tomorrow,
and I'm just not real good
about leavin' home.
[Beep]
WOMAN: Stacey Regal,
call the operator.
Okay.
All right, baby.
Move that sign.
I'm tryin' to sell
some cars here.
Hey, Lonnie Earl Dodd here.
Guess what, folks.
It's time for our annual
Presidents' Day Blowout sale,
and I gotta tell you,
I'm feelin' rather patriotic.
And I guarantee we won't be
undersold by anybody,
and if you can't trust
ol' Lonnie Earl Dodd,
then you can't trust anybody.
All right now, Darlene.
Just go ahead
and use one or two of those
drops if you feel the need,
especially out there on that old
I-40 around the Mojave Desert.
[Chuckles]
You just go on and have yourself
a vacation.
Thanks, doc.
Roy?
DARLENE: Hey, Roy!
Oh, I got to call Candy
and see if she's bringing
any nice clothes.
- She home?
- Yeah, yeah.
But I can't find that husband
of yours nowhere.
I've called all over the place,
and I can't rouse him.
Well, you know Lonnie Earl.
He's probably up to no good.
And if you can't trust me,
who can you trust?
And remember... if you can't
trust me, Lonnie Earl...
[Grunts, glass breaks]
Is there a problem?
You're damn right there is!
How come you got to take
a shower after?
Huh?
You feel dirty?
'Cause I sure as hell
feel dirty.
Oh, my God, Lonnie Earl.
We're filthy.
I'm not.
I'm Zestfully clean.
[Grunts, glass breaks]
Oh, shit!
How could you do that to me?!
One minute you're cryin'
on my shoulder about Darlene,
the next minute
you're bangin' me from behind!
Well, you told me
not to look at you.
[Telephone rings]
DR. TULE Y: I got to send
the sample over to the lab.
Turn your head and cough.
[Coughs]
Don't waste your time
worryin' about it, though.
Y'all just go on
and enjoy your vacation.
Well, you know,
I guess you're right,
'cause I know worryin' about it
ain't gonna change nothin',
- is it?
- That's right.
So, uh... what y'all got
lined up?
Lonnie Earl's got a bet
with ol' Bill Moore
that he can eat this giant
ol' 72-ounce steak in Amarillo.
Horseshit.
Then we're gonna pop up
to the Grand Canyon,
'cause Darlene's always
wanted to see that.
And you know what a partier
Candy is.
She's lookin' for the night life
and the shows
and the gamblin' and all that.
But the big thing is,
we got tickets
to the Monster Truck Jam.
Yeah, yeah.
That sounds like a big time.
You know, Roy,
I could send the test results
over to Candy's folks,
let them know when they come in.
No. No, sir.
I don't want... them worryin'
or nothin',
so I'd like to be
the first to know.
Well, all right, then.
I'll just wait to hear from you.
And don't you worry.
I'll bet you that everything's
gonna be just fine.
WOMAN ON TV:
...Beautiful emerald...
[Dog whimpering,
metal rattling]
Oh...
Do you have to go outside,
Miss Thing?
[Dog whimpering]
Come on, sweetie.
Come on.
It's a bird. It's a plane.
No, it's Superman!
Lane Aaron Dodd, get your ass
down from there right now!
But I'm Superman!
Your butt's gonna be super red
if you don't do as I say.
[Mumbling]
WOMAN ON RADIO:
You know it was a lie
'Cause deep inside
mz heart...
Hey, good-lookin'!
- Jesus H. Christ, Roy.
- Oh, dear.
- Don't do that!
- I'm sorry, darlin'.
God, you almost made me piss
on the rug!
I'm sorry.
- Why are you so jumpy?
- I just...
What the hell are you doin' here
in the middle of the day?
Shouldn't you be at work?
Your daddy asked me
to run some errands for him,
so I thought I'd just kinda stop
by and see if you was ovulatin'.
[Music continues]
Well, I don't know if I am
or not.
Well, you're dressed
like you should be ovulatin'.
Hmm? [Laughs]
What?
Roy, no. Not right now.
Come on.
- That towel will come off...
- You should go to work.
Daddy will miss you, then
there'd be a lot of shit,
and he'll get pissed off...
Darlin', it ain't possible
for him not to get pissed off.
He ain't gonna have
no problem with it
if he thinks we're making
a grandbaby.
- Roy...
- Real quick?
Just a little quickie.
I can't do this right now,
God damn it.
- Very fast?
- I have...
I have a ton of shit to do.
I got to pack.
We got to leave tomorrow, baby!
Reno!
All right.
Candy...
What the hell happened
to our wedding picture?
Cat.
Too much catnip, you know?
- Murphy?
- Yes. Baby...
He must've mule-kicked
the dang...
...I have to tell you
somethin'.
Come over here.
- What?
- You ready?
- What?
- Okay.
So I've been thinkin', and...
You know what I really want to
do when we get to Reno?
Huh?
I want to renew
our wedding vows.
Why?
What for?
Because it's romantic, Roy.
A lot of people get married
where gambling is legal.
Well, one kinda does go
with the other, don't it?
[Laughs]
Oh, yes, baby.
And you know what?
It'd be so great
'cause it would be like
a brand-new start for us.
Like if either one of us
ever did anything in the past
that we'd like to change...
...it would just be erased.
Like, it won't count
no more, okay?
Well...
have I done somethin' wrong
I don't know about?
I mean, if I did, I'm sorry.
Oh, honey, no. No.
Well, what?
No, honey.
It's just something that I
really, really want to do.
Picture it...
Reno... with all
them bright lights...
and all the action.
Oh, baby,
it would be so perfect.
Please. Please, please, please,
please, please.
Well, hell, if it means
that much to you, I'm game.
Let's do it.
- Oh!
- [Laughs]
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Tell me.
I hate surprises.
Well, just see for yourself.
No.
You didn't.
- I did.
- Oh, zeah...
You sure did. Whoa!
- Oh, my Lord.
- Oh, zeah...
You did.
You horn dog, you.
See there?
Ain't she a beaut?
Dealer exclusive.
Anniversary special.
Boy, this son of a bitch
has got everything on it
except electric dick massage.
I can't believe you, Lonnie.
Are we really gonna take this
across the country?
Hell, yeah, we're gonna take it
across the country.
It's got to cost a fortune!
Nothing's too good
for my friends.
We're gonna be ridin'
and stylin' and profilin'.
It smells loud.
[Sniffs]
That's probably that Corinthian
leather, is what that is.
- I would imagine.
- That's real leather?
Well, hell, yeah,
it's real leather.
- Dang me.
- You know what?
Besides that, I had Jerome
unhook the odometer.
Sell the son of a bitch
like brand-new when we get back.
- [Laughs]
- See what I'm sayin'?
- You're my hero.
- What do you think, Ronnie?
- These wheels are sweet.
- Yeah, they are, ain't they?
[Engine revs]
Whoa! Whoa!
- You crazy?
- [Tires screech]
Hey, you guys!
Hey, Lonnie Earl,
where the hell have you been?
I haven't seen you in days.
Well, you know,
they keep me hoppin'. Yeah.
Oh, Lonnie Earl,
I got to stop by work
on the way out of town.
What are you talkin' about?
DARLENE: Roy got in a little bit
of trouble with daddy again.
It ain't got nothin' to do
with your daddy, baby.
- Yeah, well...
- Hey... you serious?
It ain't gonna take
but a minute.
You see this?
It's a TripTik.
It's called a TripTik.
Now, I took the trouble
to call AAA
and have them figure out
everything for us...
the whole schedule...
so we're gonna stick to it.
Everybody needs to read that
loud and clear, you understand?
DARLENE:
Honey, don't get so uptight.
I'm not uptight!
[Metal rattling]
[Steam hissing]
[Indistinct shouting]
Mr. Kirkendall?
Mr. Bush is as mad
as a riled-up bull
about that Beefy Nibby thing.
I didn't mean to put on
the wrong labels.
And I just feel plumb awful
about it, sir.
I need this job.
What if he fires me,
Mr. Kirkendall?
You ain't gonna get fired.
I promise you, okay?
Everybody makes mistakes.
I mean, hell, look at me.
Just ask my mama, okay?
[Laughs]
[Machinery whirring]
Good to see you, sweetie pie!
Lonnie Earl, that car's
runnin' great. Thanks.
Good deal, Fred.
Darlene...
you're lookin' beautiful,
as always.
DARLENE:
Thank you, Fred.
[Bell rings]
Roy...
you bumble-dick gourd head.
How about you, Fred?
Nice morning, ain't it?
Damn it, boy,
don't take that tone with me.
I will slap the taste
out of your mouth.
Do you even have any inkling
why you're here?
Well...
...no.
I have got 200 cases
of Ocean Delight
that are labeled
"Beef and Cheese Nibbies."
You tell me how the hell
somethin' like that happens.
Oh, no.
I am sorry.
It is my fault.
I got the cans mixed up,
and then Candy paged me,
and I had to... well...
[Telephone ringing]
I forgot.
But then why did you go ahead
and ship 'em?
We're talkin' about
cat lovers here, boy.
When the cat lover opens
the Beef and Cheese Nibbies,
he expects to find
Beef and Cheese Nibbies,
not a fuckin' Ocean Delight!
Understood?
Yes, sir.
And just where in the hell
were you yesterday afternoon
- when all this was happenin'?
- He was at the house.
I needed him for something.
Oh?
Well, okay.
Why? What...
Wasn't nothin' wrong,
was there?
No.
You see... No, sir.
She's just checkin'
for when she's ovulatin'
because we know how much
you want that grandbaby,
so when she pages, I come.
[Steam hissing]
I mean... I go.
[Chuckles nervously]
Well, you know what I mean.
[Bell rings]
I don't even want to think
about that.
Just get the hell out of here.
LONNIE EARL: I'm glad
we're finally on the road.
Here's to a big ol' time.
Look out, Reno.
We're gonna put some hair
on the wall.
[Siren wails]
Well, shit on a stick.
It's just Russell and Boyd.
We're gonna be out of here
in a heartbeat.
All right, sir...
[Both laugh]
Hey, Lonnie Earl!
I didn't know that was you.
How is everybody?
How about you, Russell...
Boyd?
Hi, Candy.
Ooh-ee, man.
This is one fine vehicle
you got here.
Has that got that dick massage?
No.
Don't you start with me.
Listen, we're in kind of
a hurry.
We're goin' out of town
on vacation.
Whereabouts you goin'?
Reno, Nevada.
Y'all goin' to that
Monster Truck Jam out there?
Check this son of a bitch out.
Lucky sons of bitches...
goin' to the biggest
little city in the world.
Of course, that is
if we get there in time.
I'd love to sit here and talk
to you all day long.
You know that, don't you, Boyd?
But we got to get on the road,
so why don't you just let us go?
You know you ran
that stop sign back there.
I've been runnin' that
since I been drivin', Russell.
Everybody runs that damn sign.
- I know I do.
- [Laughter]
- See?
- Damn it, Boyd.
Look, Lonnie Earl,
I understand that and all,
but... you just shouldn't do it
right in front of us.
Just look at you...
you're sittin' there,
you're drinkin' that beer like
we was at the drive-in movies
and I wasn't wearin'
this here badge.
This is my first beer
of the day. I swear to God.
- I'll vouch for him.
- See?
- Me too, Boyd.
- Me three.
Come on, Russell.
Everybody makes mistakes.
Come on, Russell. Shit.
You know how fond of beer
you are, don't you?
[Laughing] Hey, now.
Right?
Isn't he, Boyd?
[Laughing] Oh, he hates it.
Swear to God.
- [Laughter]
- What are you laughin' at?
Why don't I just hop up
on top of this truck
and unstrap a couple cases
and give it to y'all,
and let's call it even...
you know, as friends?
I wouldn't call that even.
I'd call that a bribe.
[Doors close,
indistinct voices on radio]
Buckle up!
[Introduction to "Stickshifts
and Safety Belts" plays]
[Glass breaks]
Stick shifts
and safetz belts
Bucket seats
have all got to go
When we're
driving in the car
It makes mz babz seem
so far
I need zou here with me
Not waz over
in a bucket seat
I need zou
to be here with me
Not waz over
in a bucket seat
[Train whistle blows]
If anybody's got to piss,
let's do it now,
'cause we don't stop again
for a while.
You want me to get
these bottles and toss 'em?
Well, hell, no.
We can get deposit on them.
Just pump the gas.
Yes, sir.
Lonnie Earl, can I get
some wine coolers?
Why can't you drink beer
like everybody else?
I told you...
it's full up in there.
We ain't got room
for a bunch of wine coolers.
I wouldn't mind havin'
one of them wine coolers.
[Horn honks in distance]
[Sighs]
Buy some damn
wine coolers, then.
I don't know why you like
to drink them things.
Sissy shit.
Hell, yeah, girls.
There you go.
You too, Roy.
Just pile it the hell on there.
I got plenty of money.
I'm Mr. Deep Pockets.
Does anybody else here
want me to buy 'em anything?
[Candy laughs]
Ooh, look!
Bob Barker is datin' another one
of them Barker Beauties.
That old man can't keep it
in his pants.
He ought to take his own advice
and get it neutered.
I say more power to him.
You would.
At least he's gettin' him some.
RO Y: Darlene! Hey, Darlene!
It's an Oklahoma shot glass.
You got one of these?
No, we don't.
I doubt you're gonna find
one of these anywhere else.
We don't need
another damn shot glass.
All they do is
collect dust anyhow.
Put that back and let's go.
We're gonna have to make up some
time before lunch, all right?
Hon, would you like me
to help you bag up some of this?
DARLENE: Since Lonnie Earl
planned the trip,
he decided to stop in Amarillo
so could eat
this 72-ounce steak.
Of course,
his $50 bet with Bill Moore
was the real reason
we were stopping there.
I swear that husband of mine
would do anything
to save a buck.
[Horn blares]
[Fanfare plays]
- Isn't that pretty?
- Oh, no.
Wait, Lonnie Earl.
Let me get your picture.
- My Lord.
- One more.
Okay. You ready?
Get closer to the meat.
Whoo!
I'm sorry.
That is the ass end of a rhino.
This is no bigger
than a Papa Burger at A& W.
- Easily handleable, all right?
- [Laughs]
That hunk of meat's bigger
than our cat.
You're gonna be sick is
what's gonna happen.
No. I got a plan.
You just take your time.
Breeze through it.
Eat this other shit afterward.
Push it through.
See what I'm sayin'?
Go with the flow.
That kind of deal.
- You're gonna be sick.
- Oh, shut up, Darlene.
Look at all this meat I get,
and I get paid to eat it.
RO Y: You're gonna be ridin'
that porcelain pony.
Are you gonna go?
- First bite. I'm ready.
- There you go.
Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, could I
have your attention, please?
This is Mr. Lonnie Earl Dodd
from Millsberg,
and he's gonna try to eat
this 72-ounce steak dinner.
Go, Lonnie Earl.
He has one hour
to eat 72 ounces of meat,
salad, shrimp cocktail,
baked potato, and bread.
If you'd like to look
at this steak,
come over and take a look,
but don't ask
too many questions.
He only has an hour
to do this in.
Let's give Lonnie Earl
a little round of encouragement.
[Cheers and applause]
[Swing music plays]
[Music continues]
Okay... he's got 45 seconds.
Everybody give him a hand.
He's gonna make it.
[Cheers and applause]
RO Y: Lonnie Earl Dodd! Whoo!
"Big Texan Steak Ranch 72-ounce
Steak Club achievement award."
CAND Y:
To Lonnie Earl Dodd.
I saw.
That's free
and you get 50 bucks?
Mm-hmm.
So good.
Can I take a bite of yours?
If I can have your cherry.
Sure you can, honey.
There you go.
RO Y: I can't eat
this whole dang thing.
Of course you can, Roy.
CAND Y:
Well, I'll help you.
I knew you would, baby.
It's not like Lonnie Earl
will help you.
[Laughter]
Lonnie Earl...
[Chuckles]
Lonnie Earl, look at this.
I would like to present you
with a gift.
CAND Y:
Come on, Lonnie Earl!
RO Y: I just want to
see you puke.
CAND Y: Quit it.
RO Y: Oh, he's fakin'!
It's not funny, Lonnie Earl.
What is it, honey?
- You want another one?
- Whoa.
Oh, my God.
Get that bucket.
Honey...
Hold on!
Lonnie Earl, put your arms up!
Get your hands off
of him, homo!
DARLENE:
Don't fuss, Candy.
You want to throw up,
Lonnie Earl?
Can you breathe?
Oh, my God.
I think he's dyin'!
Lonnie Earl, don't die!
RO Y: Oh, he just needs
another beer.
[Burp echoing]
Hey, Julio. What's up?
Hey, Julio. What's up?
I brought something over
for you and your father.
I really want us to be
good friends and good neighbors.
Let me take a look.
That's some good food, man.
I fix it myself, you know.
I ain't eatin'
none of that Mafungus.
[Laughter on TV]
WOMAN:
You've got to take it easy.
And y'all make sure
that he drinks plenty of fluids.
[Both laughing]
SANFORD: Spare ribs
and mustard greens.
So have a great rest
of your trip,
and take good care of
yourself, and don't forget this.
- Oh, no. Hey, thanks.
- Yeah. Take care of yourself.
- I will.
- Hi, hon. You all better?
Like y'all would give a shit.
Well, he just wanted me
to check in with you,
'cause, you know, doc,
he don't trust nobody else,
especially some snot-nosed
little Texas doctor
who ain't too long off the tit.
[Toilet flushes]
But listen, while I got you...
what about them tests
I had done?
Uh-huh. Okay.
Okay, I will bet one for you.
The doc says that if you're
still feelin' puny tomorrow,
you're supposed to mix
a bunch of meat tenderizer
in some water and drink it,
and you'll be fine.
Yeah, I'm sure I'll be fine.
Plus I'm $50 richer, right?
[Laughs]
And a hospital bill later.
Oh, listen.
If Bill Moore gives me shit
about this bet,
you're my witness, right?
Damn straight.
Okay.
I know the boy.
What was that you were talkin'
to Doc Tuley about...
about some tests or somethin'?
Nothin'.
Just insurance crap
where they make you pee
in a bottle all the time
every time you turn around.
[Sniffs]
But are you goin' swimmin'
or not?
I don't think so.
I'll just sink
like a cat in a bag.
You know what I think
I'm gonna do?
Go over the souvenir shop
and tease that rattlesnake.
[Laughs]
That's a good idea.
Besides that, Darlene's gonna be
back in a little bit.
She won't ever sneak in
no hotel pool.
Well, sometimes
when people are away from home,
they do things
they might not normally do.
[Hinges squeak, doors rattle]
Yeah, I wish.
[Crickets chirping]
All clear.
I can't believe I'm doin' this.
This is classy!
Somethin' we're not used to.
God help us.
Whoo!
Whoo!
Oh, it's cold.
Oh!
- Get in, Dar.
- Whoo.
[Both laugh]
- Whoo!
- Oh!
Get away from me!
Whoo!
What do you weigh,
about 98 pounds wet?
Shut up, Dar.
You got a great body.
You just cover it up
all the time.
Whatever.
Are you happy, Dar?
I guess.
Why wouldn't I be?
Oh... I don't know.
I mean...
things just don't seem right
between you two lately.
I mean, I always believed
you two were meant
for each other, you know?
Like Burt and Loni.
Well, not like them, because
they ain't married no more.
But like... Elvis and Priscilla.
Well, you know what I mean.
Is there something you know
that I don't?
No! No, no, no.
No, Dar. No.
I don't know anything.
[Voice breaking] I just care
about you guys so much,
and especially you, Dar,
because you're my best friend.
Oh, honey...
And... can't a friend try
to help a friend?
Yeah, but, oh, honey,
don't cry.
Come here, silly.
Damn wine coolers got me
all emotional.
[Hinges squeak, gate rattles]
[Lmitating Tarzan]
Aah-ah-aah!
Oh!
Oh, dang.
That hurt like hell.
[Chuckles]
- Candy?
- Mm-hmm?
Do you love Roy?
[Chuckles] Well...
I don't think
I ever got the chance
to fall in love with Roy.
[Chuckles]
I guess it was more like
nature took its own course.
Next thing I knew...
Roy was workin' for daddy
and we was married.
Like there wasn't any middle...
just then and now.
Oh, shit.
What's wrong, Mark Spitz?
You seem a little out of shape.
[Roy groans]
Them 12-ounce curls are...
kinda takin' their toll.
[Candy laughs]
Oh. [Grunts]
I gotta go pee.
I'm gonna go back to the hotel.
- I gotta go pee.
- Darlin'...
I'm goin' back to the hotel.
Darlin', just pee in the pool.
I do it all the time.
Oh, gross, Roy.
You coming, Dar?
I think I'll swim a little.
This was a pretty good idea
after all.
See you guys up there.
See ya.
Whoo!
[Exhales deeply]
- [Coughs]
- Feels good.
[Sighs]
[Breathing heavily]
What you doin', Roy?
I've got you
a little somethin'.
Oh, Roy, you didn't have to.
I know,
but a lady like you should have
anything she wants.
DARLENE: Gettin' to New Mexico,
I was so excited.
The Grand Canyon was
just a day away.
RO Y: You know,
what I'm lookin' forward to
is that Robosaurus
smashin' them cars.
That is gonna be somethin'.
Robo what?
What on Earth is that?
That's a 10-story machine
that squashes things...
basically a car dealer's
nightmare.
DARLENE: What a thrill.
[Thud, bottles rattling]
- Armadillo.
- You'd think
them son of bitches would learn
to stay out of the road.
- You ever see one alive?
- [Laughs]
Well, I'll be damned.
97. 1 degrees.
I think I'm ovulatin'.
97. 1 is what that library book
said to look for.
Whoa.
LONNIE EARL:
Maybe it's just the heat.
97. 1, Lonnie Earl.
That's below normal temperature.
She's probably too close
to the window.
My window's up, and according to
this thermometer,
farmer Roy needs to plant
his seed right now.
Come on, baby.
Pull over.
No, we ain't stoppin'
at no motel. Not right now.
We just got back on schedule,
and I ain't gettin' off.
Who said anything
about a motel?
[Candy moaning pleasurably,
suspension squeaking]
You do realize that
my schedule's gone to hell.
Freezin'-ass cold out here,
and we're waitin'
on the damn carnival.
You're the one who wanted to go
on vacation in January.
You know what I told you
about July prices.
I can't pay that kind of money.
[Sniffs]
[Both moaning pleasurably]
CAND Y: Oh... Oh, baby!
[Woman laughing]
It's like we're travelin'
with a damn high-school
biology experiment or somethin'.
[Candy moans pleasurably]
What the hell is he doin'
to her?
Something pretty good, I'd say.
Well, it's pissin' me off.
Okay, that's it. I'm gonna put
a stop to this shit.
Good Lord. You're makin'
a bigger scene than they are.
[Laughter]
All right. [Knocks]
Oh.
That'll be plenty.
- What?
- Come on. We're leavin'.
[Applause]
Mission accomplished, sir.
There goes the new-car smell.
RO Y: You look kinda uptight,
Lonnie Earl.
You want me to drive?
Hell, no.
I'm the driver.
Just get us a couple
of beers. I'll be fine.
- Hey, hon?
- Hmm?
Can you grab us a couple beers
without spillin'
any of them tadpoles?
I sure can, sugar kitten.
[Bottles rattling]
Thank you.
[Bottles rattling]
I'm glad we stopped here.
You know what?
They got a sign
over that toilet
says they got the cleanest
bathrooms along all of I-40.
If we stay in Kingman tonight,
we'll be back on my schedule.
But we were gonna stop
at the Grand Canyon tonight
and get up
and look at it tomorrow.
But we can't do that now because
our travelin' sex show here
has put us behind schedule.
Then why did we stop here?
Because we had to eat, honey,
and this fits in, okay?
The Grand Canyon's just
a big ol' hole in the ground.
You can look out the window and
see a big hole in the ground.
That ain't the same.
I think it'd be nice
to see it.
I wouldn't mind ridin'
one of them jackasses
down in that sucker.
That'd... be...
Damn it, that's the one thing
I wanted to do on this trip.
I told you I wanted to see it
since second grade
when Mrs. Beechner told us
about it.
She said everyone thought
God rested on the seventh day,
but really he was
workin' on his hobby,
carvin' the Grand Canyon.
Well, that's sweet,
but if you remember,
Mrs. Beechner also kept
her shit in a shoebox.
Remember that?
So I don't know if that's
the greatest authority
in the world, you know?
Let's go.
[Bottles rattling]
[Crickets chirping]
[Candy moaning pleasurably]
Good God. That girl's gonna wake
the dead in there.
[Moaning continues]
If this shit's gonna happen
every time she reaches
a certain temperature,
I'm gonna get madder
than a wet hen.
Why does it bother you so much?
It's for a good cause.
It's just that they take
so damn long.
And they don't even think
about us.
The least he could do is
tiger-fuck her.
You know I don't like
that talk.
Just get up behind her,
bite her on the neck,
in and out, and it's done.
Shit.
How romantic.
What would you know
about romance?
I'm sorry, honey.
I'm just...
Well, look, face it...
when's the last time we did it?
That's not romance.
If that's all you care about,
then just go ahead
and do it with someone else.
Is this about the Grand Canyon?
No, it's not.
Good grief.
Well, then, what's it about?
Why don't you talk to me?
I'm your husband.
You can talk to me.
Honey, listen,
this is hard on me, too.
Honey, for the last
couple of years,
every time I try
something with you,
you got some damn excuse.
You don't know how it feels.
And besides that,
I'm about to explode.
I am.
Tell the truth... is it me?
No.
It's me.
Well, what are we gonna do
about that?
Well, I said...
maybe we could see that woman
in Little Rock.
I ain't goin' to no
shrink-bitch Dr. Ruth woman
that's gonna make us
sit there and charge me
an arm and a leg and a nut
to say the shit
that we can say to each other
right here and now.
But she might not let you say
somethin' like you just said.
What did I say?
Well, if you can't
hear yourself,
then how are you gonna
hear me, huh?
This dang bed sags
in the middle.
We're all gonna be windin'
up layin' in a puddle.
It sure as hell ain't
no Serta Perfect Sleeper.
Would y'all quit bitchin'?
The bed's fine.
RO Y:
Good night, John boy.
LONNIE EARL: Kiss my ass.
[Laughter]
[Farts]
DARLENE: Oh, my God.
- That's awful!
- [Laughter]
[Laughing] Oh, Roy!
That's disgusting!
[Laughter continues]
RO Y:
Smell it and weep!
[Laughter]
[Introduction
to "Hang On Sloopy" plays]
Hez, now, Sloopz
Sloopz hang on
Sloopz lives
in a verz bad part of town
Bad part of town...
["Higher Ground" plays]
- People...
- People...
- Keep on turnin'
- Keep on... turnin'
"Turnin"'?
Or is it "yearnin"'?
- Teachers...
- Teachers.
Teachers.
- Keep on teachin'
- Keep on teachin'
- Yeah!
- [Laughter]
Lovers...
- Keep on lovin'!
- [Slot machine clangs]
Keep on lovin'
- Yeah.
- All right.
Now, that's songwriting.
Believers...
Keep on believin'.
Keep on believin'
Whoo!
[Laughter]
Sleepers...
CAND Y:
Keep on sleepin'.
- Just stop sleepin', zeah
- Oh! [Laughs]
'Cause it won't be too long
- It won't be?
- It won't be too long.
- Won't be...
- Oh, no
I'm so glad
that he let me trz it again
'Cause mz last time on Earth
I lived a whole world of sin
I'm so glad that I know more
than I knew then
Gonna keep on trzin'
Till I reach
mz highest ground
Whoo
Till I reach
mz highest ground
Oh, no
No one's gonna
bring me down
Oh, no
Till I reach
mz highest ground
Oh, my God.
Tony Orlando's here!
[Lonnie Earl sighs]
Oh, Tony Orlando's here!
We gotta go to see him!
Whoa. Do you reckon
he split up with Dawn?
Well, hon, we'll have to see
if we got time.
I mean, you know...
- We gotta make time.
- I said we'd see.
I never stayed overnight
in a city this big before.
I'd sure hate
to get lost here.
Now, don't get
all nerved up, honey.
We're gonna have a good time.
It's just like back home.
There's just a lot more of it.
[Gasps]
I'll be dogged.
- This is the Shamrock suite.
- See that?
Whoa.
Oh, honey!
I knew this would be the
perfect place to get remarried!
Roy, I knew it, baby!
RO Y: I'll carry you over
the threshold, baby.
[Breathing heavily]
Both bedrooms have
their own private entrance.
Look at that tub!
That's like a swimmin' pool!
Oh, my God!
Oh, Roy,
it's like we're here, baby!
We're actually here!
Mmm. This is romantic.
Look at that.
This door leads
to the adjoining bedroom.
Oh, my God!
We're neighbors!
Oh, Candy,
you gotta see this view.
Oh, wow!
We have the same over there!
Okay!
Take a picture of me.
Lay like a supermodel, okay?
I don't look
like Cindy Crawford.
I could take some pictures.
That's okay.
Give me some pouty lips.
Y'all, check it out.
Check it out.
Hugh Hefner,
international playboy.
Show me your ta-tas
in cloth of terry.
Hey, do we get to keep
these things?
I've been known to look
the other way.
Whoa! All right!
[Country music plays]
Lonnie Earl... thank you, man.
Oh, my God!
It's Shania Twain!
How cool is that?
She's so goddamn hot!
... Mine, anz man of mine
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
Goddamn champagne.
Anz man of mine
better disagree
When I saz another woman's
lookin' better than me
Whoa.
Hey, y'all.
They got 24-hour room service.
You mean you can get anything
you want anytime you want?
BELLHOP: Yes, sir.
Anytime you want. Just dial 49.
Darlene, who am I?
I need a man who knows...
I guess you won't need
any Pabst.
No. That'll last me
about an hour and a half.
... Breathtakin',
earthquakin' kind
Here's your curtain remote
and your key.
All righty.
- Thank you.
- All right.
If there's nothing else,
I'll be going.
Of course,
the chocolates are free.
Ching, ching.
[Laughs]
- I'm gonna go, then.
- Okay.
While I got you here, I just
want to ask you one question.
I understand that the hookers
in Nevada are free.
Is that right?
Legal.
- Not free?
- No.
- Okay.
- All right.
Like I said, I'm on my way out.
Got the luggage, right?
Unpacked it.
Got the explanation
of the menu.
That's it. Okay.
I'm gonna go.
I'll be at
the bell captain's station
if you need anything else.
Oh, okay. I get ya.
You want your dollar.
Here. Here you go.
Wow. Okay.
CAND Y: Whoo!
Straight to the casino.
Unless you wanted change.
Shimmz, shake
Make the Earth quake
Kick, turn, stomp, stomp
And then zou jump!
[Men grunting]
If I get to go to Tony Orlando,
should I wear my hair up
or down?
Hmm. Let me see.
[Thud, telephone rattles]
- You know what?
- What?
What I think would be great is
if you put it like this.
Yeah.
RO Y: Get over here,
you son of a bitch.
Jesus H. Christ.
[Men grunting]
What is it with you
and Tony Orlando, anyway?
Oh, he's always been like
my guardian angel.
[Glass breaking]
You see,
when I was in fifth grade,
I caught Jeff Martin
cheatin' on me,
and my mama knew
I was depressed,
so she let me spend the night
at Deanna Stewart's house
to watch the Jerry Lewis
telethon.
Anyway, they were up to
about $8 million in donations
when out walked this dark,
handsome man with a mustache
and a smile that could
light up all of Branson.
And I just knew
he was somethin' special.
[Men grunting]
LONNIE EARL: Ow! Shit!
I had something like that
for Chuck Woolery one time.
- Anyway, when he sang...
- [Grunting continues]
B O TH: Knock three times
on the ceiling
If zou want me
It was like he was singin' it
right to me,
like he knew...
I needed to hear it right then.
[Rumbling, grunting continue]
And he's had a special place
in my heart ever since.
Oh... that's so sweet.
[Chuckles]
[Thud]
LONNIE EARL:
Okay, I've had enough.
You know what I think we need?
- What?
- Some serious pink lips.
[Both laugh]
I'm gonna go and get
my pink lipstick, okay?
- [Glass breaking]
- [Gasps]
You okay?
[Exhales sharply]
Yeah, I think I'm fine.
I just...
I got up too quick, maybe.
Well, I'll get it.
You sure
you're feelin' okay, hon?
'Cause you are lookin'
a little peakin'.
I'm gonna be fine.
I'm just gonna sit in here
for a little bit.
[Water splashing]
Can I do somethin'?
No. I probably just drank
too much.
You go on down.
I'll meet up with you later.
Well...
Hey, let's shit
or get off the pot, guys.
I thought we was goin'
downstairs.
What's the deal here?
Y'all go on.
We'll catch up with you later.
You know what
we ought to do, baby?
After while, you and me take
one of them bubble baths.
Well, you know better than that.
I don't take bubble baths.
Of course you don't.
I forgot.
Well, you know, that tub is
big enough for all of us.
Oh, great, Roy.
Just jump on the bandwagon,
you dumb-ass.
[Laughs]
Yeah, I am dumb.
You guys definitely make me
clear of that on a daily basis.
Dumb, dumb-ass, dumb shit,
dipshit, shithead, shit hole,
shit-for-brains...
- Dildo.
- Dildo.
You know, would it
be possible to have
a "Let's Not Pick on Roy" day?
[Sighs]
Let's go downstairs.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
[Sighs]
[Door closes]
- Darlene?
- Mm-hmm?
What do you mean,
you don't take bubble baths?
Gives my pooter an infection
that stings worse
than a swarm of bees.
[Laughs]
[Sighs]
Honey, I wasn't born yesterday.
I know something's wrong.
And you can talk to me.
You know that.
Don't start that again.
Darlene, I'm your best friend.
I know.
Just drop it.
I know you mean well, hon,
but just... stop.
[Door closes]
Okay.
["Sussudio" plays]
[Indistinct conversations]
I don't know about this.
These things look a little bit
too much like a sinus infection.
I tell you what.
They say they are
one hell of an aphrodiliac.
[Laughs]
[Spanish accent]
Aphrodisiac.
Oh.
[Laughing]
Oh, dear.
[Laughs]
Thank you, ma'am.
Actually, they're
Mother Nature's Viagra.
[Laughs]
Roy, don't be
such a damn idgit, okay?
You made us look stupid.
Everybody knows
what that word is.
Oh, if she called me
I'd be there
I'd come runnin'
Ain't bad.
Hey, bud, can we get
a couple of Pabsts?
Mm-hmm.
Slippery.
... Feel so good
if I just saz the word
And bring him a shot, too,
would you?
Some kind of whiskey.
Well, you need you a shot.
I had 140 beers.
[Chuckles]
But...
I do have too much blood
in my alcohol content.
See there?
Just tryin' to help you
cut the...
whatever those things are.
[Sighs]
God knows I don't need
any of 'em.
Su- Sussudio
Oh, you mean you and Dar?
Oh, oh, oh
I think it's just a phase
you guys are going through.
Oh, it's more than a phase.
It's way past a phase.
It's a lot more serious
than you might think.
You know, you're always gonna
be together.
You've always worked it out.
You will now.
Well, I've given that
a lot of thought lately,
to tell you the truth.
Not that that's what I want,
you know?
But she just don't get it.
I don't know.
A man's got needs, you know?
Well, everybody's got needs.
Don't be goin' out
and thinkin' about gettin'
no nooky on the side.
[Laughs]
Who said I was thinkin'
about that?
Darlene's a great lady.
You don't need to be
doin' that.
I wouldn't ever do that.
I just got a tingle.
I'm gonna go get me
some more of these suckers.
I'm gonna have a hard time
keepin' up with Candy,
you know what I'm sayin'?
I'll be back.
[Horn honks]
Oh, look! It's one
of them theme weddings!
Oh, ain't that sweet,
Darlene?
That's it!
That's what Roy and I need.
What?
A theme wedding.
I'd be Dorothy.
And he could be that tin guy.
And we could have...
midgets for bridesmaids.
Why would you dress up like that
for a wedding?
'Cause it's romantic.
[Register beeping]
["Dream on Dreamer" plays]
Well, let's see.
And night...
Up in the clouds
flzing so high
You trz zour best
to stretch zour mind
Come down here, didn't I?
Huh?
[Laughing] I said
I come down here, didn't I?
- Yes, you did.
- Yeah.
Now... you might have to
twist my arm,
but... I'll go up
to your room with you.
Hate to put
zour two feet...
I don't think
you could handle me.
Oh, honey, I could handle it.
There's no doubt about it.
Well...
I don't think
you could afford it.
What the hell does that mean?
It means I see your type come
through here all the time...
all blow and no dough.
Is that a fact?
Dream on, dreamer
Let me show you
somethin', honey.
If zou live to learn
zou'll be luckz one daz
See that?
You know what that is, baby?
A shoe.
[Laughing]
Well, hell yeah, it is.
It's also two months' rent.
Over and over
Well...
You see there?
Rent must be very cheap.
[Music continues]
That was a really shitty thing
to say to somebody.
The old graz mare just
ain't what she used to be
Ain't what she used to be
[Laughing]
Ain't what she...
MAN:
Okay, everybody, we're back.
["No Parking
(On the Dance Floor)" plays]
She can kiss my ass.
[Laughs]
Come over here and just
take over the damn country.
Why not?
[Laughs]
[Clears throat]
Well, fuck her.
She was a lesbian anyway.
I could tell.
She ain't no lesbian.
She's too pretty.
Son, there's all kinds
of lesbians...
pretty ones and ugly ones...
there's all kinds.
She had lesbian energy.
That's all I know.
Well, I'm a lesbian
in a man's body.
I'll tell you,
what got it all started
was that damn Gloria Steinem.
When she started
that women's-lib crap?
It was her and Helen Reddy
and that tennis player
that beat Bobby Riggs.
Let's don't forget
Helen Gurley Brown.
You know what they do,
don't you?
They sit around the house
all day
readin' them girlie magazines
like "Woman's Day"
and "Redbook"
and all that mess.
- And TV.
- Hell, yeah.
Start cryin' with Oprah
all damn afternoon.
Then by the time you get home
from work, shit,
they'd rather fight than fuck.
Mmm.
Well, I guess
I'm a pretty lucky man,
because Candy has always had
a very healthy appetite
for old Gunther here.
You know, I kinda...
I wonder sometimes
she ain't borderline nympho.
But she ain't always as...
wild and stuff
as she's been lately.
She don't always scream
and holler like that?
She sure does.
- No, she don't.
- Yes, she does.
No, she don't.
I mean... you're kiddin' me.
No, she don't, does she?
You know, sometimes it can be
downright embarrassin'.
Other times it can make you feel
like you're Studly Do-Right.
You're the man.
Know what I'm sayin'?
[Silverware clatters]
I got to pee.
I'll be back.
No parking
on the dance floor
All right
[Sighs] Shit.
"Psychic card reading...
Madam Zora."
Oh, come on. Let's go see
what the future says!
- Oh, no!
- Come on!
It's kind of scary.
I don't like it.
Oh, come on!
WOMAN:
This is very telling.
See, the queen depicts a strong
slant to your feminine side.
Hmm...
Feminine side.
Could you be expecting?
[Sighs]
I'm gonna take all of these.
I'm not takin'
any chances tonight.
[Chuckles]
Hell, you know what?
Give me three
of them Butterfingers.
DARLENE:
So, are you excited?
RO Y: About what?
About the pregnancy test.
Oh. I don't know.
I just don't understand
why she thinks she is now.
She ain't even missed her...
thing or nothin'.
Well, I'm gonna let you in
on a little female secret.
Sometimes you just know,
even before you miss your thing.
I'm not buyin'
all that screamin' and moanin'
and shit you've been doin',
just so you know.
What the hell
are you talkin' about?
Don't bullshit me, Candy.
You know what I'm talkin' about.
You're still mad
about our little fling.
You're doin' all that shit
for my benefit.
Doin' what?
Screamin' like a stuck hog with
your husband when y'all do it.
But it ain't workin'.
It's a bad acting job.
Who's actin'?
[Chuckles]
Well... all I know is
that you don't make all that
racket when you and me do it.
Well, you figure that out,
Sherlock.
[Sighs]
[Toilet flushes,
Roy groans]
[Handle clicks]
RO Y: So?
Well, I peed in a cup,
on a stick, on my hand.
I got lines and crosses
and...
...they all say the same thing.
Yes.
Yeah?
Oh, Candy. [Giggles]
No. Baby...
Did you hear?
Yeah?
[Laughs]
Oh, can you hold that?
You mean we're gonna have
a baby?!
[Laughing]
Oh, baby doll!
Oh, I love you!
[Laughs]
You happy?
Yeah. You?
- You sure?
- Mm-hmm.
I love you.
I love you, baby.
I love you.
I love you so much.
[Introduction to
"Baby Got Going" plays]
Babz got to going
on a southern train
Fired- up pistons
drivin' below
And the whole vibration...
Beer.
Beer.
Let's roll
Let's roll...
- Beer.
- Light beer.
- Oh, my God! I won!
- [Coins rattling]
Mz babz got goin'
when the train hit the road
Mz babz got goin'
when the train hit the road
Mz babz got goin'
when the train hit the road
Whoo!
Again!
I got 21!
Mz babz's hooked on me
And as zou can see
I'm wild about her
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa- oh
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa- oh
Whoa
[Bells ringing,
coins rattling]
- Oh, my God! It's alive!
- [Screams, laughs]
- Where'd it go?
- It's gone.
Where'd it go? Why is it flat?
[Laughs]
- You think I can hear him?
- I think maybe you could.
- Oh! Aah!
- [Laughs]
Little sucker kicks
like a mule.
[Laughs]
- Hey, honey?
- Mm-hmm.
[Candy laughing]
Could you come sit by me
for a minute?
Sure.
All right.
Here's the deal.
I did pretty good tonight.
You know, gamblin'?
Won a little extra money,
that kind of thing.
That's nice, huh?
[Sniffs]
And... I got this deal that...
Maybe it's not...
I don't know if it's down
your alley or not.
It's just a... little somethin'
I got, and...
Anyhow, well, there.
[Chuckles]
That's for you and everything.
I hope you like it.
I don't know.
I'm not real good
at pickin' shit out.
You know that.
Just, you know,
a girl kind of thing.
[Exhales sharply]
[Sighs]
You like it?
Lonnie Earl...
A bracelet.
It's beautiful.
It's not as beautiful
as you are.
Close the door.
Oh, yeah.
I'll be right back.
Don't move.
[Hinges creak]
CAND Y: Well, look at
you two lovebirds.
Did y'all hear
that earthquake last night?
- [Laughing]
- Stop.
[Inhales deeply]
You want some coffee, hon?
RO Y: You sure there's no way
they could be wrong?
Hey, son,
you better get in here.
Your eggs are gonna get crusty.
How's it possible?
I can't find any midgets.
Well, you might try under "L"
for "little people."
RO Y: Yeah, okay.
Honey, hurry up.
I gotta see
if we can book that chapel.
Okay.
Bye.
I swear to God,
if I don't get any midgets,
I'm gonna be so upset.
I can't have this wedding
without midgets.
DARLENE: You'll have a beautiful
weddin' no matter what.
What's wrong, honey?
Well, I was just talkin'
to Doc Tuley,
and he just told me that...
He said I can't have babies.
[Laughter]
That's funny.
That's cute, baby.
What do you mean,
we can't have babies?
No, not "we."
Me.
I didn't tell you 'cause
I didn't want you worryin',
but I had
some fertility tests done
'cause we been tryin' and
weren't gettin' nowhere and...
[Sighs]
Well, anyway, the tests
came back from Little Rock,
and my tadpoles ain't swimmin'.
Roy, it's just a mistake.
They made a mistake because,
in case you forgot,
I'm definitely pollinated.
No, they said
it's a for-sure thing.
- It can't be a for-sure thing.
- Damn it!
They sent the samples off
to a dang laboratory.
They ain't gonna be wrong
in a laboratory.
They gotta be wrong, because
I can't be pregnant unless...
What was that?
What was what?
- That look.
- What look?
The look you two just gave
each other.
Oh, that was no look.
Darlene, I'm so sorry.
What do you mean,
you're sorry?
I'm so sorry, Darlene.
What are you sorry about?
For God's sake, you looked
at me, and I looked at you.
People can look at one another,
can't they?
Not that like, they can't.
Oh, God.
Please...
Please forgive me.
Oh.
Forgive you for what?
What do you mean, forgive you?
[Laughing]
This is ridiculous.
Will y'all hold on?
Am I missin' somethin' here?
Oh, for cryin' out loud,
Roy, don't you see?
This isn't Reno.
This is "Melrose Place."
Huh?
My husband has been doin'
your wife.
No.
Yes.
Ain't that the shits?
I think y'all are jumpin'
the gun.
Shut up!
Oh, just shut up, Lonnie Earl!
God damn it!
[Crying]
Quit acting like such an ass!
You blew it!
You're the one that got
pregnant!
She's the one got pregnant.
Shit.
You insensitive son of a bitch!
[Door opens, slams]
CAND Y: [Crying]
Darlene, I know!
I'm so sorry!
He's an asshole!
DARLENE:
He's an asshole?!
Hey, Roy, listen,
I'm sorry, man.
You're my best friend.
Listen, you got to believe me.
This didn't have a fuckin' thing
to do with you.
She's my wife!
DARLENE: Tramp!
Bastard!
Oh. [Sobs]
Darlene, please wait.
[Sighs]
Darlene...
Darlene, please wait.
Shut up.
Come on.
We have to talk about this.
You're my best friend.
Best friends?
Best friends don't do that
to best friends.
Enjoying your stay, sir?
Oh, shut up.
Okay, then.
[Door opens, slams]
I've known you
since the third grade.
Just how long have you two
been visitin' Sin City?
Twice.
Just two times.
I swear to God, that's it.
What are you doin'?
Baby, we need to talk.
Not now, Roy!
Can't you see I'm tryin'
to console Darlene?!
Oh, I don't want your consolin'!
That's your husband!
He's the one who needs
your consolin'!
I'm fine.
That's okay.
You can go first.
Damn it, Roy!
Show some backbone, will you?!
Why are you mad at me?!
Why are you yellin' at him?
He's just tryin' to be nice.
Shut up, whore!
LONNIE EARL:
All right, Roy.
Come on, hit me.
- What?
- Hit me.
I got it comin' to me.
It'll make you feel better.
It'll make me feel better.
- You're gonna hit me back.
- I promise I won't hit back.
Okay, come on!
Oh, my God!
Lonnie Earl!
Get off! Get off me!
Get off him, you bastard!
You hit him!
You hit me
and then sleep with my wife!
And you hit me!
It was just a reflex action.
That's all it was.
You really gotta
keep it down in...
Get the fuck out!!
Yeah.
Hold on.
Hey, listen.
I got a great idea, okay?
I know how to fix everything.
Darlene and Roy
got to sleep together.
It'll make it even.
It's like a dealer trade-in.
- You are such a sick fuck!
- What?
Have you finally lost
your mind?!
And if I wanted a make-up fuck,
it would be with Tony Orlando!
Jesus, help me.
I feel so raw,
like I haven't got any skin!
This is wrong.
It's just wrong.
I know. It's wrong.
And if I could
just wiggle my nose
like Samantha on "Bewitched"
and make this all go away,
Darlene, I would.
You'd probably call up
Aunt Clara,
and Lonnie Earl
would fuck her, too.
Hey... Whoa. Whoa.
Hey, honey, listen.
Listen. Calm down.
Don't tell me to calm down!
Calm down. Let me go with you
and we'll talk.
I don't want to be around you.
I don't want to be around
any of you.
No. Darlene...
You're gonna need
your eyedrops.
My eyes are just fine.
They're just fine.
I don't need 'em.
Everything's crystal clear.
Please don't go.
Darlene, wait a minute.
[Breathing heavily]
[Elevator bell chimes]
[Sniffles]
Hello.
This is definitely the shits.
I'm sorry, Roy.
You know what?
Sorry just ain't cuttin' it
right now, Lonnie Earl.
[Crying] Sugar kitten?
I'm in hell.
I hope everybody's happy.
[Sighs]
[Breathing heavily]
Friends?
Shit! Fuck!
[Panting, sniffles]
[Crying]
Car number 5394, please.
Yes.
You have a good day, too.
Darlene, wait!
You don't want to leave
like this.
Don't tell me what I want.
I'm sick and tired of people
tellin' me what I want to do!
God, I fucked up.
I'm so sorry, hon.
We have to talk about this.
We're too close
to throw away what we got.
What we got?!
We got a fuckin' mess
is what we got!
And I had nothin'
to do with it!
[Sniffles]
Yes, you did.
Oh, excuse me?
You did have somethin' to do
with it, Darlene.
Hell, Lonnie Earl was cryin'
for your attention,
and you refused to see it.
So he came to me to talk
about it,
and I was just tryin' to be
your friend, so I listened.
And before you knew it, he was
spinnin' you like a helicopter.
You bitch.
And you call yourself
my friend.
You're damn right I do.
[Panting]
In case you forgot,
I tried to talk to you
about it, too,
and you kept tryin' to
convince me and yourself
that everything was great,
that life was just
one big bowl of cherries!
Oh, go away!
You know what?
You're a fuckin' mole.
And I'm not talkin' about that
thing on Cindy Crawford's lips.
I'm talkin' about rodents that
bury themselves in the ground.
They got eyes, but since they
don't use 'em, they can't see.
Come on, elevator.
Just go ahead.
Just run away, Darlene,
like you always do.
Just so you don't
have to face anything.
Shut up.
You've got the world
by its balls,
and you don't even know it!
[Panting]
And you know why?
Because you're always throwing
some goddamn Darlene pity party!
Mopin' around
in those stupid overalls,
feelin' sorry for yourself,
hidin' behind your kids!
God, you've got this prison
built into your head,
and you just love living there!
Stop now!
No!
Wake... up, Darlene.
You've got a nice house,
your bills are paid,
you've got healthy kids,
you've got friends who care
about you if you only let them.
And, damn it,
you've got a husband
who thinks
you're worth fightin' for!
He so desperately
wants to find
the woman he fell in love with.
God damn it,
you could really enjoy life.
If you open your eyes,
you'd see that I'm right.
All I'd see are your legs
up over my husband's shoulders.
[Elevator doors open]
Oh.
- Don't go there.
- [Clears throat] Ladies.
The only thing
I'm still wonderin'
is how a spoiled brat like you
fucked Lonnie Earl
without your daddy's
permission.
[Both screaming]
Bitch!
BELLHOP: No! Not in here!
Hey, come on!
Roy, let's talk.
Oh, shut up.
They're gonna kill each other.
[Elevator bell chimes]
Hey, just a sec.
- I just need to tell you...
- Stairs.
...I'm sorry about all of this.
- Later.
- Roy...
Let go of me!
[Indistinct shouting]
Stay out of it!
- Darlene!
- Let me go!
- Get off of me, you bitch!
- Why won't you just let me...
Oh! Ow! Ow!
I hope that hurts you
like you hurt me.
[Both breathing heavily]
[Grunts] Darlene!
[Panting]
RO Y: Y'all stop it.
No! No!
No! Let go of me!
Get off her!
Don't tell me I'm goin' home!
Lonnie Earl, let go of me!
Will you calm down?
Don't tell me to calm down!
Roy! Let go!
Put me down!
Ooh!
I'm with child, you idiot!
Let go of that.
What are you...
Give me my wallet!
Give me my...
[Coins rattling]
Is this what you want?!
- No, honey, please.
- This is what I want!
- Give me that.
- Bastard!
[Tires screech]
She's on her deal, you know?
[Slot machines clanging]
["These Boots Are Made
For Walking" plays]
[Door rattling]
Aren't you going to have
the oysters?
They are aphrodiliacs,
you know?
[Laughs]
[Music continues]
So, can I buy you a real drink?
Yeah. Yeah. Why not?
You keep sazin'
zou've got somethin' for me
Somethin' zou call love
but confess
You've been a'messin'
Where zou shouldn't
have been messin'
Now someone else
is gettin' all of zour best
These boots are made
for walkin'
And that's just
what thez'll do
One of these dazs these boots
are gonna walk all over zou
[Machine beeps]
Yeah
You keep lzin'
when zou oughta be truthin'
You keep losin'
when zou oughta not bet
And zou keep samin'
when zou oughta be a'changin'
What's right is right
but zou ain't been right zet
These boots are made
for walkin'
And that's just
what thez'll do
One of these dazs these boots
are gonna walk all over zou
Are you ready, boots?
Start walking.
[Laughing]
TONY ORLANDO:
All right, lay it on me...
Oh, mz darling
ALL: Knock three times
On the ceiling
if zou want me
Now you're talkin'.
Keep those hands together, now.
Twice on the pipe
If the answer is no
Whoa, mz sweetness
Means zou'll meet me
in the hallwaz
Keep it comin', Reno.
Come on, now.
Twice on the pipe
Means zou ain't gonna show
Oh, wait a second.
Don't tell me that beautiful
lady's sittin' alone.
Whoo!
[Audience cheers]
Welcome.
Read how manz times
I saw zou
I can see zour bodz swazin'
You're one floor below me,
zou don't even know me
But I love zou
Whoa, mz darlin'
Knock three times
On the ceiling
if zou want me
All right.
I can't take it anymore.
I can't be alone.
I'm gonna throw myself
out the damn window.
I gotta talk to somebody.
You don't understand, Candy.
Ever since I was a little kid,
I didn't like to be alone.
And I can't be alone right now,
and you got to talk to me.
Let me sit here just
for a minute, just talk to you.
I promise, I swear to God,
I won't try to get that monkey.
I swear to God.
[Panting]
[Sniffles]
He's cheatin' on me.
- Huh?
- Roy is cheatin' on me.
What are you talkin' about?
Can you believe it?
[Sighs]
That asshole.
I saw him dancin' with some
Puerto Rican skank at the bar.
I know he is.
Did she have a hairy lower back?
Yeah.
And long, black hair?
Uh-huh.
A little piece of deerskin
coverin' her titties?
Yeah.
That ain't no big deal.
That's just this hooker that's
workin' the bar down there.
[Crying] A hooker?
[Sobbing]
I guess I said the wrong thing,
didn't I?
[Sobbing]
He doesn't love me anymore.
No, that's not true.
- Honey, he loves you.
- No, he doesn't.
My Roy is banging
a Puerto Rican hooker.
[Sobs]
I doubt it.
I think she's a lesbian
anyway, hon.
She's not a lesbian.
I saw her with him.
Oh, now...
You want to know why?
[Panting]
'Cause we're shitty people,
Lonnie Earl.
Oh, baby,
we're not shitty people.
- We're not.
- We are.
We're not either, baby.
We're not shitty people.
- We're not.
- We're shitty people.
Hon, I was kind of here
- to talk about my problems.
- Jesus H.
We're shitty people.
Why the hell did I come back?
Why don't you two just get
a room of your own?
Or would you rather me just hang
out in the hall and wait?
Why don't you come in, Roy?
We was just talkin' about you.
Wasn't we, Candy?
Oh, yeah.
Well...
[Panting]
...did you do her?
Do what?
Did you...
and your hot-tamale Puerto Rican
dancin' partner... do it?
For your information,
she prefers to be called
a lady of the night.
I don't care
what she prefers to be called!
God damn it! Queen of Sheba!
I don't fuckin' care!
- Did you do her?!
- Oh, now, you wait a minute.
How dare you get
your panties in a wad
when the two of you started
this mess in the first place?
I'm just gonna go
back over to the room.
I thought you said
you couldn't stand bein' alone.
Well, this ain't none of
my business, really, you know?
Oh, the hell it ain't.
It became your business
when she pissed on that stick
and turned the damn thing blue.
Okay. I'll stay.
I'll sit over here in the chair,
and y'all can just yell at me
anytime you want to.
Abuse me.
[Candy breathing heavily]
Roy... [Sniffles]
...you have every reason
to be mad at me.
[Inhales sharply]
But did you have to go
and find
some Puerto Rican skank
to get back at me?
Lord knows what kind of diseases
she might have,
and now I'm gonna have 'em!
Oh, sweetheart.
Get back at you?
I wasn't tryin' to get back
at you.
I wasn't even thinkin' of you.
And do you have any idea
how good that felt?
How much does a girl
like that run you, Roy?
God damn it, Lonnie Earl!
It's none of your business!
- I tried to leave.
- [Exhales deeply]
I'll tell you...
she didn't cost me a damn dime.
And you know why?
'Cause she really liked me
for me.
She thought I was
a real good guy, you know?
And that I did not deserve
a wife and a best friend
to do me the way you two did.
She thought that I deserved
a hell of a lot more respect,
and, by God, she was right.
'Cause I've had it up to here.
I'm sick and tired
of bein' treated
like everybody's
little punchin' bag.
I know you know
what I'm talkin' about.
And I ain't gonna stand here
and take it no more.
As of right now,
Roy Kirkendall is demandin'
your utmost respect,
and he's gonna get it
or there's gonna be hell
to pay, I promise you.
I'm gonna kick some ass
and take some names.
[Breathing heavily]
DARLENE:
I respect you, Roy.
Darlene, I've been worried sick
about you, honey.
- Holy...
- Don't come near me.
- God.
- You'll spoil my aura.
Your what?
Well, can't you see it?
It's all around me.
It's a big ol' cloud
of self-esteem.
And Tony Orlando
gave it to me.
[Laughing]
Darlene, you look...
you look good enough to put
in a J.C. Penney window.
Well, thank you, Bubba.
[Exhales sharply]
You met Tony Orlando?
[Roy laughs]
No.
But he sang right to me.
You really did look pretty
tonight, Darlene.
I actually felt pretty
tonight, Candy.
[Sniffs, clears throat]
Oh!
[Door opens]
Rise and shine.
2: 15.
Breakfast time.
Up, up, up, gentlemen.
Come on out of bed,
sleepzhead
Good morning,
good morning
Rise and shine.
Feet on the floor.
Good morning, men.
Wakey, wakey. Hand off snakey.
I'm here on orders
from Darlene Dodd.
Breakfast is being served.
Please join me, won't you?
Miss Candy...
it's breakfast time.
Won't you join us, please?
[Groans]
Roy, you're gonna have
the eggs Benedict.
And eggs Florentine, no coffee
for the lady who is with child.
And this one is for...
Let's see.
How did she put it?
The whore dog
who sells cars in Millsberg.
Don't shoot the messenger.
Okay.
The bill's been taken care of
by you, Mr. Dodd.
I hope you've had
a pleasant stay with us,
and I wish that I could say
I hope you'll return soon,
but... I'd be lying.
[Sighs]
Okay. Goodbye.
Hang on a minute.
Oh, no. Please.
Don't give me your dollar.
I've been most pleasantly
taken care of by Darlene.
She's quite a woman.
All right.
Whore dog, all, good day.
I don't like that motherfucker.
I wasn't gonna tip
the son of a bitch anyway.
[Chuckling]
This says "Meet me
at the Monster Truck Jam."
[Country music plays]
[Audience cheering]
ANNOUNCER: The question
I have to ask now...
is anybody ready to see
some monster truck racing?
[Cheers and applause]
Okay! Let's do it!
[Engines revving]
[Crowd cheering]
[Music continues]
Hey, baby.
Hey.
Just in time for the big event.
[Cheering continues]
Whoo!
Wow.
[Engines revving]
Look at that son of a bitch.
ANNOUNCER: We got exciting
monster truck action tonight!
Honey, I know I've been
an asshole.
I swear to God
I'm gonna do better.
It'd just tear me to pieces
if somethin' happened to us.
I'd rather get run over by one
of them trucks than lose you.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to Reno
a truck-chomping,
Godzilla-of-a-beast machine!
[Richard Strauss' "Also Sprach
Zarathustra" plays]
Give it up, Reno,
for Robosaurus!
[Music continues]
[Hissing]
[Audience cheering]
Whoo!
[Country music plays]
Whoo!
["Also Sprach Zarathustra"
continues]
ANNOUNCER:
So, what do you say, people,
We sacrifice a new car?
[Cheering continues]
Yeah!
Whoo!
[Laughing] Oh, no.
[Laughs]
[Laughs]
Go, baby!
Lonnie Earl, so much for
that Corinthian leather, huh?
[Cheering continues]
[Roy whistles]
Go!
Whoo!
[Whirring]
He's gonna eat it.
[Crowd cheering]
[Glass breaking]
[Metal screeching]
[Laughing] Oh, no.
Lonnie Earl,
how are we gonna get home?
[Country music plays]
ANNOUNCER:
Tonight's fully loaded,
dealer-exclusive offering
was generously donated
by a Mr. Lonnie Earl Dodd
of Lonnie Earl Dodd Chevrolet!
[Glass breaking,
metal screeching]
Oh!
ANNOUNCER:
If you can't trust Lonnie Earl,
who can you trust?
Let's give it up
for Lonnie Earl!
[Roaring]
[Cheers and applause]
DARLENE: I saw these two couples
on "The Jerry Springer Show"
that screwed up a hell of a lot
worse than we did.
And I figured if they can
make up by the end of the show,
in time, maybe we could, too.
LONNIE EARL: You need any help
with that, Roy?
DARLENE: But I guess life isn't
always that simple.
So we all decided
we'd better leave
what had happened back in Reno.
And while the baby issue's still
stuck in everyone's craw,
Roy said that if he had to drop
two grand at a sperm bank
to buy some stranger's seed,
he thought it seemed better
to get it from his best friend.
We all just wished Lonnie Earl
had made the deposit in a cup.
But you realize
time heals all wounds,
and real friends endure
tough times.
And that's what we are...
real friends.
Roy...
I wanted to tell you somethin'.
I love you.
I know.
No.
I mean I really love you.
[The Kinleys' "I'm In" plays]
Ahh
Love doesn't come
with a contract
[Sighs, sniffles]
You give me this,
I give zou that
It's scarz business
When zour heart and soul
is on the line
Babz, whz else would I be
Standing 'round here
so tongue- tied?
If I knew what I was doin'
I'd be doing it right now
I would be
the best damn poet
Silver words
out of mz mouth
Well, mz words
might not be magic
But thez cut
straight to the truth
So if zou need a lover
and a friend
Babz, I'm... Babz I'm...
Babz I'm in
DARLENE: Oh, and good news...
Candy had a 9-pound baby boy...
The spittin' image of Roy.
Candy insisted
they name him Gunther.
And after two more babies,
there was no debatin' it...
Roy's tadpoles were
most definitely swimmin'.
As for us,
Lonnie Earl finally agreed
to see that marriage counselor
in Little Rock.
And since then,
things have been lookin' up.
I've been takin' a more active
role in the family business.
And you'd be surprised what
it's done for my self-esteem,
not to mention our sales.
I guarantee you we won't be
undersold by anybody.
And if you can't trust
ol' Lonnie Earl...
Then you can trust Darlene.
Hi, I'm Darlene Dodd
invitin' you to come on down
to Lonnie Earl Dodd Chevrolet,
where you'll find
the best deals ever.
So swing by Lonnie Earl Dodd
Dodge and Chevy
and say hello
to Ronnie the rooster here
or try your luck with Trudy.
Right now, we've got
a really great deal
on a used maroon Suburban,
so come on over.
And just remember,
if you can't trust Lonnie Earl,
you can trust Darlene.
[Rock music plays]
[Music continues]
[Music continues]
[Music continues]
[Music continues]
[Music continues]
[Music ends]