All right, everybody, come on.
Out on the dance floor.
Look at the happy couple.
No exceptions.
Up out of your chairs.
I can feel
all the happiness in here.
All right!
Look at him go.
If I...
I get to know your name...
If I...
Could trace
your private number, baby...
All I know is that to me...
You look like
you're lots of fun.
Open up them lovin' arms.
I want some, want some.
I set my sights on you.
And no one else will do.
And I...
I got to have my way now, baby.
All I know is that to me...
You look like
you're lots of fun.
Open up them lovin' arms.
Watch out, here I come.
You spin me right round,
baby, right round...
Like a record, baby...
Right round, round, round.
You spin me right round,
baby, right round...
Like a record, baby...
Right round, round, round.
Somebody get some pants
on that kid.
If I...
I got to be your friend...
Grandma Molly,
I'm talking to you.
And I...
Would like to move in
just a little bit closer.
All I know is that to me...
You look like
you're lots of fun.
Open up your lovin' arms.
Watch out, here I come.
You spin me right round,
baby, right round...
Like a record, baby...
Right round, round, round.
You spin me right round,
baby, right round...
Like a record, baby.
I want your love.
Uncle Marty!
All I know is that to me...
You look like
you're lots of fun.
Open up your lovin' arms.
Watch out, here I come.
You spin me right round,
baby, right round...
Like a record, baby...
Right round, round, round.
You spin me right round,
baby, right round...
Like a record, baby...
Right round, round, round.
You spin me round...
And round...
And round.
Very nice.
Good job, lady.
You were shakin'.
It is gonna be fun today.
The best man's gonna come up
and say a few words...
so let's put our hands together
for the groom's brother David.
All right, Dave.
When my brother Harold
asked me to be the best man...
I was like,
"Whoa, of course, man...
"because you've always
been there for me."
Like when I was in rehab...
and like the time
I couldn't find my car.
'Cause, Harold, he's always been
the dependable one.
I've always been
the screwed-up one. Right, Dad?
"Why can't you
be more like your brother?
"Harold would never
beat up his landlord."
He's drunk as shit.
But...
a little news flash, Pop.
Harold ain't so perfect.
Remember that time
in Puerto Rico...
when we picked up those two...
I guess they were prostitutes,
but I don't remember paying.
How about that?
Terrific.
I'm a person, too,
Pop, goddamn it!
You're a moron!
The best man, everybody.
Best man. The better man.
We've all done crazy things
in our life, so...
He's playing the guitar now.
Isn't that great?
He's doing good.
Sounds good?
It's because I'm the best
guitar player in the world.
Self-taught.
No lessons,
thank you very much, Pop.
All right.
They'll be divorced in a year.
Very good.
I think we all know
that when you fall in love...
the emptiness
kind of drifts away.
That's all I'm talking about.
I've done some crazy things
in my life, too...
but then I met
a very special girl...
a girl who I'm actually
marrying next week.
Thank you.
So all I'm saying is that
when you fall in love...
the emptiness drifts away...
because you find something
to live for...
each other.
And the way
I've seen you two...
looking into each other's
eyes all day long...
I can tell that you're
gonna live for each other...
for the rest of your lives.
So cheers.
That's a good
wedding singer.
Now on behalf of
Mr. and Mrs. Harold Veltri...
you guys have a nice dinner.
George Stitzer's gonna take over
on lead vocals...
so take it away, George.
Give me time...
To realize my crime.
Let me love and stay.
-Jesus.
-Scary.
I have danced...
I like her.
Inside your eyes.
How can love...
Be real?
Do you really want to hurt me?
Good save, wedding singer.
Good job.
Sammy, how come you're not out
with your limo? What's up?
That new waitress.
That's what's up.
Is she in trouble.
She's gonna get it,
and she doesn't even know it...
and I'm gonna give it to her.
Take it easy, man. Who is she?
She's Holly Sullivan's cousin.
If she's
half as easy as Holly...
I'll close this deal
by the end of the week.
I don't think
that's gonna happen.
Please. It's her first day.
Always takes them three weeks...
to realize they shouldn't
date anyone at work.
You like being the guy
that helps them realize that?
Yes, I do.
You want to be like Fonzie,
don't you?
You're on your way.
Do you really want to hurt me?
Do you really want
to make me cry?
Prime rib, please.
Always the prime rib.
Make them eat the fish.
Andre,
can I have three prime rib?
Your wish is my command, madame.
How come he's so nice to you?
I let him look at my boobs
at the Christmas party.
Not my finest half-hour...
but it's been a pleasant
working environment ever since.
So, how's your first night
going?
Being at this wedding
is making me realize...
that Glenn is never
going to set a date...
and I've been wearing
this ring for two years...
and I feel like an idiot.
You know what you must do?
Relax. Don't do it.
I feel stupid for moving here
to be closer to him.
I think you need a break.
Go out back and get some air.
I'll cover your tables.
You OK?
You going to throw up?
Come with me, man.
Give me time...
What?
Here we go.
Come on.
You got it. There.
Is he a friend of yours?
Me? No.
I couldn't let him do it
in front of his family.
Wow.
I'm glad I got to see it.
You all through?
Going to wait a few years
before you drink again?
All right, remember,
alcohol equals puke...
equals smelly mess
equals nobody likes you.
I got it from here.
Know what? You go this way,
and you go this way.
It's for the best.
It's all right. Take it easy.
See you later.
Sleep it off, pal.
Hey, you know,
wedding singer?
Are you drinking, too?
No. It's Coca-cola.
Are you sure? There's
no rum in that Coca-cola?
I'm not a big drinker...
and if it was, I'd be puking
more than that kid.
I don't think anybody could
puke more than that kid.
I think I saw a boot come out.
You're the wedding singer.
How you doing? I'm Robbie.
I'm Julia.
I'm actually waitressing
at your wedding next week.
Cool. That's a beautiful ring
you have there.
Are you getting married, too?
Actually, I don't know
how serious the guy is...
who gave this to me.
I feel like I'm doomed to wander
the planet alone forever.
Like the Incredible Hulk?
Yeah...only
I'm not helping people.
That's not true,
because I saw you inside.
You were helping people.
You were giving them
fish and coffee and forks.
People can't eat without forks.
And they can't
drink without a fish.
That's right.
What does that mean?
I don't know.
You lost me back at the Hulk.
Robbie, you better
get back in there.
They're starting
to turn on George.
-Sit down!
-You suck!
He's got to learn a new song.
But it was nice to meet you.
It was nice meeting you, too.
And if I ever get married,
maybe you'll sing at my wedding.
Oh, man. It's a deal.
Take care.
There was love...
All around...
But I never...
Heard it singing.
Very nice.
No, I never...
Heard it at all...
Pretty.
'Til there was you.
Much better.
You're going
to blow everybody away...
at your fiftieth
anniversary party.
If I sing to Frank
without making any mistakes...
he would know
how hard I've worked...
and how much I still love him
after all these years.
I hope 50 years from now...
Linda and I are as happy
as you two guys.
You will be.
It runs in your family.
You're a born romantic,
just like your father was.
I know they'll be
looking down on you tomorrow.
I hope so.
Are you nervous?
I'm actually not
that nervous, you know?
I'm at weddings all the time.
It's going to be fun.
Not about the wedding--
about the wedding night.
Will this be your first time
with intercourse?
Don't be ashamed.
When I got married,
I wasn't a virgin.
I already had intercourse
with eight men.
That's actually something
I don't want to know about.
That was a lot back then.
That would be like 200 today.
It's 5:00.
I'm going to get going.
But your payment.
My payment.
Can I get it to go?
You're such a sweet boy...
letting an old woman
pay you with meatballs.
They taste so good,
it's like I'm ripping you off.
I don't have
any clean Tupperware.
All right,
definitely next time.
Don't be silly.
Now hold out your hands.
-You want to--
-Do it.
Cool.
Thanks a lot.
Now, please, take a bite...
so that I can
watch you enjoy.
That's my favorite part.
Well...
I'll go with the right one.
That looks good.
That's a good meatball.
Now, listen to me, Robbie Hart.
You're going to be
a fine husband.
I hope so, Rosie. Thank you.
I'm going to leave.
I'll see you
at the wedding, all right?
Thank you for coming in
and taking me to lunch.
Look at the picture
of that girl. See that?
You're a lot prettier
than that girl...
and she's getting married.
What does pretty have to do
with getting married?
Everything.
You got to get married...
before your hips start spreading
and you get facial hair...
which, by the way,
comes from your father's mother.
Looks like Magnum, P.I.,
for God's sake.
I can't make Glenn set a date.
You're going to hate
this idea...
but I think you should consider
a fake pregnancy.
I'm exiting the car.
It's just a means to an end.
ln five years,
he'll thank you for it.
Perhaps we should call her.
She's probably got
a make-up problem or her dress.
I know her.
She likes to look her best.
Hey, sis.
Hi, Robs.
I just got off the phone
with Linda's mom.
Linda's not there, but...
there was a note.
A note?
Everything all right?
Yeah, she's OK.
It basically indicated...
that Linda was...
not coming today.
So, it was a bad note.
Did she say why?
I am so sorry, honey.
It's OK.
You want me to say something?
Just give me a second.
I'll be right back.
Oh, my God,
she's not showing up.
Don't worry.
Everything's gonna be all right.
It's OK.
Oh, God!
You can't catch me!
I'm going to get you
and chop you up!
Can we turn this crap off,
please?
That's right, Robbie.
You have to let it out.
-Let what out?
-Your feelings.
About what that lousy bitch
did to you today.
Don't call her that...
because we're going
to get back together...
and then there will be weirdness
between you and me...
so just watch it.
I made this for you,
Uncle Robbie.
Thanks, Freddy Krueger.
That's not nice.
Very creative, though.
Go back to the boiler room.
I just wish I knew
where she was, you know?
He's taking it pretty bad.
He's acting like a real robot...
a zombie or something.
He's been wanting to get married
since the third grade.
It makes sense.
That's when Mom and Dad died.
He wants to start
a family of his own.
Check out the cake.
There's only
a little groom on top.
You're late.
I'm sorry.
I just couldn't do it.
If you need some more time,
I guess I can wait.
No, I don't need
more time, Robbie.
I don't ever want to marry you.
You know, that information...
might have been a little
more useful to me yesterday.
I've been talking to my friends
the last couple of days...
Here it comes.
And I think I figured out
what's been bothering me.
I'm not in love with Robbie now.
I'm in love with Robbie
six years ago...
Robbie, the lead singer
of Final Warning...
when I used to come and
watch you from the front row...
in your spandex pants...
your silk shirt unbuttoned...
licking the microphone
like David Lee Roth.
I still got the spandex.
I'll put them on right now.
The point is,
I woke up this morning...
and I realized I'm about
to marry a wedding singer.
I am never going
to leave Ridgefield.
Why do you need
to leave Ridgefield?
We grew up here.
All our friends are here.
It's the perfect place
to raise a family.
Living in your sister's
basement with five kids...
while you're off every
weekend doing wedding gigs...
at a whopping 60 bucks a pop?
Once again...
things that could have been
brought to my attention...
yesterday!
The fact is,
we grew apart a long time ago.
You wanted to get married.
You didn't care to who.
That's not true. I love you.
Come here.
I want to spend
the rest of my life with you.
Hey, Linda.
You're a bitch.
Thanks, Petey.
Go back to the house.
He might have
Tourette's syndrome.
We're looking into it.
I got to go.
I'm sorry.
Ninety-nine Luftballons...
Glenn!
Don't be so jumpy.
These are for you.
Thank you.
They're beautiful.
I have something else for you.
Two airplane tickets
to Las Vegas?
Oh, my God, Glenn!
I know you wanted
to set a date...
so I went to the travel agent
and set it.
Glenn, I love you so much...
but Las Vegas? I thought--
Jules, it's the romance
capital of the world.
I just don't want
a big wedding--
hundreds of people
we don't know...
that are just there
for the free drinks...
and all-you-can-eat buffet.
They might as well be in Vegas.
Las Vegas it is,
and it'll be great.
Are you going to do
the girl thing?
You're going to act happy
and be pouting on the inside?
I'm happy.
All right.
Let's get married here.
I know that's what you want.
Thank you, Glenn.
It's more important
to you anyway.
I promise I will give you
the most beautiful wedding...
and even you'll have
a good time.
It's about time
his best friend showed up.
So, how's he doing?
I don't know.
He's been down in the basement
since it happened.
Five days now.
I think he's having some kind
of a mental situation...
an episode or something.
All right.
You do something, because
I don't want to be known...
as the brother-in-law
of the town nut job.
I got enough problems already.
Shit,
I got water all over myself.
Hello?
You all right?
These sheets are soft.
You use Downy?
All Tempa-Cheer.
You can wash your clothes
at any temperature...
and the colors
don't run together.
-Really?
-Yeah. Now leave me alone.
You have to go back to work.
There's going to be over
a hundred drunk girls...
at this wedding tonight.
I've got nothing
to offer anybody.
I haven't done jack shit
since high school.
Why would any girl
ever marry me?
Marry you?
I'm just trying to get someone
to play with your ding-dong.
Holiday...
Celebrate...
If we took a holiday...
Took some time to celebrate...
Come on, let's celebrate.
Just one day out of life...
It would be...
It would be so nice.
Everybody spread the word.
I live in
my sister's basement.
He just had his heart broken.
Why would he even think
about coming back to work?
I don't know.
Celebrate.
You guys are off
to a great start.
I mean...
Cindy showed up,
so, right away, Scott...
you got to be pretty psyched.
I'm not paying you to hear
your thoughts on life.
I'm paying you to sing.
I have a microphone,
and you don't...
so you will listen
to every damn word...
I have to say!
It's funny. Some of us
will never find true love.
Like, take, for instance...me.
And I'm pretty sure
that guy right there.
And that lady
with the sideburns.
And basically
everybody at table nine.
But the worst thing is...
that me, fatty,
sideburns lady...
and the mutants
over at table nine...
will never, ever find a way
to better the situation...
because...
apparently, we have
absolutely nothing to offer...
the opposite sex.
You are the worst wedding singer
in the world, buddy!
Sir, one more outburst...
I will strangle you
with my microphone wire.
Let's cut the stupid cake...
because the fat guy's
going to have a heart attack...
if we don't eat again soon.
And while we do that,
here's a little mood music.
Cindy and Scott are newlyweds.
He loves her...
But she loves
this guy right here...
And he loves somebody else.
You just can't win.
And so it goes...
Until the day you die.
This thing they call love...
Is gonna make you cry.
I hate you.
I've had the blues...
The reds and the pinks.
One thing's for sure...
Love stinks?
Love stinks.
Drug addict! Degenerate!
I was wondering
what happened to you.
Did everybody leave?
Pretty much,
except for a few cops...
that are still interviewing
some witnesses.
I'm going to get
the hell out of here.
So it was
your first wedding back.
Of course things are going
to be a little shaky.
A little shaky?
I hate weddings.
I hate the bride.
I hate the groom.
I want them to be miserable,
because that's what I am.
No. You're the best.
At what? People eat
prime rib, and I sing.
It's a joke.
I can't do this anymore.
Glenn and I set the date...
so you have to play our wedding.
Congratulations.
I just can't do it, all right?
I'm having an engagement party
in two weeks...
and I really want
you and Sammy to come.
Good, you're here.
Robbie's here!
Let's move it!
The kids have been fed,
but if they want snacks...
there's ice pops in the freezer,
or microwave popcorn.
Good.
Are you going
to the engagement party?
Yeah, I'll probably go.
Come on, Andy, move your ass!
Hang on. I'm watching Dallas.
I think J.R. might be dead.
They shot him.
Good night.
-Love you.
-Love you.
Time to make the donuts.
I made the donuts.
Dunkin' donuts--
up to 52 varieties...
Uncle Robbie's here.
Hey, the Goofball Brothers.
ls it true you're in the middle
of a nervous breakdown?
-Who said that?
-Everybody.
You're eight years old.
You only know your parents.
What are you talking about?
Is it true you're gonna end up
in a mental institution?
Cuckoo's nest!
Hey, kids.
Remember what we talked about?
Go over there
and watch some television.
Can I speak to you for a second?
Everybody...
I've been thinking
about what happened to you...
and it's all for the best.
I know you were
in love and everything...
but that wears off.
Me and your sister,
we used to be wild.
She was very adventurous...
and we got into some crazy shit.
But now the thrill is gone.
If we get a second alone,
we usually go to sleep.
If it's a special occasion...
she might do
this exotic dance for me.
What?
Sometimes she might
work with my nipples a bit.
All right, enough. Go out.
I'll take care of the kids.
I don't know what I just said,
but I said something.
Women got a thing
about marriage.
If you want to stay with them,
you're gonna have to marry them.
No big deal. There she is.
The girl who finally beat me
into submission.
That's right.
August 5th
is less than three months away.
We've got a lot of planning
to do.
Do you think
it would be better...
if maybe you took over
all the arrangements?
I'd like to do it together.
Yeah, but you like this stuff.
It's really not my thing.
God forbid I screw up
the wedding flowers.
How could I live with myself?
He'll be so wasted...
he won't know flowers
are at the wedding.
I hear you're gonna have
your bachelor party Friday.
Gonna be all right with that?
You might miss Miami Vice.
Nope. Summer. Reruns.
I'm all set.
Great.
All right, nice house.
I told you this guy was loaded.
I know. In and out, though.
I don't want to be here long.
Let me just pick up a chick,
and we'll get out of here.
What do you think
of the jacket?
I would lose that glove.
You look nuts.
There's Julia.
Let's go say hello.
Hi, you guys.
I'm so glad you came.
Jason,
this is Robbie and Sammy...
and this is my fiance Glenn.
-Congratulations, Glenn.
-Thank you.
Robbie Hart.
I heard what happened
to you at your wedding.
That was so cold.
You must have felt like shit.
No. It felt really good.
Thanks for bringing it up.
My parents died when I was 10.
Want to talk about that?
Why would we want
to talk about that?
I don't know.
Somebody needs a drink.
Actually,
I'm not a big drinker.
I am.
How about an Alabama Slammer?
Sounds like a plan.
Meet me at the bar.
I gotta piss first.
Have a few drinks
and drive home.
Julia, thanks for inviting us.
I'm glad you guys came.
We hang out at work so much...
but we don't get to talk
'cause we're always so busy.
We should make time to talk,
don't you think?
Know what? The first time
this guy saw you...
he told me
he was gonna hit on you.
-Really?
-That's not true.
Yeah, it is.
You told me she was in trouble.
She was gonna get it,
and she didn't even know it.
He's teasing.
I would never say that.
You said you were
gonna give it to her.
Give me what, exactly?
You're a jerk.
What do you mean?
You didn't know she was engaged.
So now you're not
gonna give it to me?
Very funny.
Say hi to your brother Tito.
So how are you doing?
I'm doing better. I don't know.
How are you and Glenn doing
with the wedding plans?
Glenn isn't really--
He's very busy right now.
He works on Wall Street.
You know how that is nowadays.
Wall Street--stocks and stuff?
Actually, he's in bonds.
He barely has time to sleep,
let alone plan a wedding...
so I'm kind of doing this
on my own.
But I went to Marshall's
for the floral centerpieces.
Marshall's?
You should go to Tony's.
They're cheaper, and
they've got a great selection.
All right.
Well, thank you for the tip.
It's a shame you won't be
doing weddings anymore.
We won't get
to hang out as much.
We'll get to hang out.
There's other things to do
besides weddings, right?
Oy, oy, bar mitzvah...
Mazel tov...
L'chaim !
Let's keep the fun rolling.
Take it away, George.
Do you really want to hurt me?
You seem kind of sad.
Why don't you
get out there and dance?
I asked that girl over there.
She turned me down.
She said she didn't dance
with losers.
Man. That hurts.
But why would you want
to dance with somebody...
who doesn't want
to dance with you? Right?
Listen, don't worry.
You're gonna meet a girl
who treats you right someday.
I promise you.
How you guys doing?
All right?
I want you to meet
a friend of mine...
by the name of Julia Sullivan.
Could you come out here
for a second?
Say hi to Julia, everybody.
Hello.
Now, who of you out there
would like to dance...
with this fine-looking woman?
I'd like to do more
than dance with her.
Wow, Julia.
Sounds to me
like you got your pick...
of any man in this room
to dance with...
so I want you
to take your time...
and find amongst all these
young studs here tonight...
the coolest, most un-losery guy
in the bunch.
Pick me.
Please pick me.
May I have this dance?
OK, pal, have fun.
I can only give you love...
That lasts forever...
And a promise to be near...
Each time you call...
And the only heart I own...
For you and you alone...
That's all.
All I have are these arms...
To enfold you.
Just go with it.
And a love
time can never destroy.
Take it, George.
Come here, Big Red.
If you're wondering
what I'm asking...
In return, dear...
You'll be glad to know...
That my demands are small.
Say it's me
that you'll adore...
For now and ever more.
That's all.
To the new lord of the ladies!
You're a lovely dancer.
-Are you gonna tell Glenn?
-About what?
About you and that kid
and him squeezing your tush?
He did have very strong
hands for a 13-year-old.
I could see that.
By the way, thank you for
recommending Tony the florist.
His flowers were beautiful,
and he didn't overcharge me.
Good. I'm glad.
And a new girl in town...
could certainly use that kind
of help on everything.
You got Holly
and your mother, right?
My mother lives 50 miles away...
and Holly's
not into that kind of thing...
so that really only leaves
one person.
I would, but, you know,
I just--l can't.
I understand.
I just don't know
how to go about this.
I'm afraid I'm gonna pay $500
for a half-eaten wedding cake.
I really gotta concentrate
on getting some more gigs.
There's only four Jewish
families in this town.
All right.
I have never done it
for that cheap.
I know for a fact you gave
Eric Lamensoft that price.
I did not.
Faye, look at me.
Look me in the eyes.
I'm right here.
Don't look away. Did you
give him that price or not?
OK. Just that one time.
So you got me.
Can I say something?
I deal with a lot of people,
but you two look truly happy.
You're gonna make it.
I know. Believe me.
How do you know?
You can just look at a couple...
and you can tell right away...
they're gonna
stay together forever.
Like Donald and Ivana...
and Woody and Mia...
and Burt and Loni.
We're not getting married.
That's right. Actually,
we're brother and sister.
So that's it.
I could sense a closeness.
The weird thing is,
when we were growing up...
we didn't get along 'cause
I used to do this to her.
We're gonna go now.
Come here, sis.
Your ass is grass.
I'm telling Mom
when we get home.
Yes, it's ladies' night...
And the feeling's right.
Yes, it's ladies' night.
Oh, what a...
Oh, what a night.
Yes, it's ladies' night...
And the feeling's right.
I've never seen it from
this perspective before.
Is this what I look like?
No. You're much better
than him.
He's ridiculous.
One...
Romantic lady...
Single baby...
Sophisticated mama...
Come on, you disco lady.
Send me a line, mama.
Yes, it's ladies' night.
Oh, what a night!
Chaka Khan!
Thank you.
This is Jimmy Moore...
saying that ain't
no sock in my crotch.
Take four, everybody.
Jimmy, that was really good.
Thank you.
No. Thank you.
-For what?
-For quitting.
Or...should I thank Linda?
My business has tripled.
You've just inspired
me to hire a D.J...
so thank you.
Good luck finding a D.J. who can
move and shake like this.
How did you become
a wedding singer?
I think I got into it
to make some money...
until my music career took off.
And you wanted to be
a rock star?
I kind of just wanted
to be a songwriter, you know?
That's the hardest thing,
to write a song.
A song that
when people hear it...
they go, "Ohh, I know
what that guy was feeling...
"when he wrote that."
Have you written anything
lately?
Yeah, I guess.
Will you play it for me?
You don't want to hear it.
It's not good.
I'm sure it is.
I wrote half of it
when I was with Linda...
and I wrote the other half
after we broke up...
so it's a little uneven,
you know?
I don't mind.
I'd like to hear it.
Yeah, all right.
I just want to warn you
that when I wrote this song...
I was listening
to The Cure a lot, so...
Here we go.
You don't know...
How much...
I need you.
While you're near me...
I don't feel blue.
And when we kiss...
I know you need me, too.
I can't believe
I found a love...
That's so pure and true...
But it all was bullshit.
It was a goddamn joke...
And when
I think of you, Linda...
I hope you fuckin' choke.
I hope you're glad...
With what you've done to me.
I lay in bed...
All day long...
Feeling melancholy.
You left me here...
All alone...
Tears running constantly.
Oh, somebody kill me, please.
I'm on my knees.
Pretty, pretty please.
Kill me.
I want to die.
Put a bullet in my head.
I liked it.
He's losing his mind...
and I'm reaping
all the benefits.
Thank you for the ice cream.
It always cheers me up.
It's my pleasure.
I feel weird
being in this place.
We came here all the time.
We used to get chocolate shakes.
May I ask what happened
with Linda?
She wasn't the right one,
I guess.
Did you have any idea
she wasn't the right one...
when you were together?
I should have.
I remember we went
to the Grand Canyon once.
We were flying there,
and I'd never been before...
and Linda had,
so you would think...
that she would give me
the window seat...
but she didn't.
Not that that's a big deal,
you know?
But there were a lot of
little things like that.
-l know that sounds stupid.
-Not at all.
I think it's
the little things that count.
How did you know
that Glenn was the right one?
The right one.
I always just envisioned
the right one...
being someone I could
see myself growing old with.
And Glenn will be a really
good-looking older man...
like Blake Carrington.
I'm gonna probably
look like Buddy Hackett.
Of course
I'm gonna hire him.
He's your best friend and
the only limo driver in town.
Yeah. I just like
having fun with him.
Wow. Look at him go.
Better move it, man.
You're not gonna make it.
You hit 2 cones.
Those could have been people.
Those could have been
guests at her wedding.
They were cones.
That was fun today.
Wasn't that fun?
That was fun.
-l got the job, right?
-Yeah, you did.
It's August 5th,
a week from today.
Someone left a jacket
in the back.
That's Julia's jacket.
Remember?
She took it off on Noxon Street.
She said it's not
jacket weather anymore.
-Uh-oh.
-What?
-You like her.
-No, I don't.
Of course you do. She's
a cool chick with a hot ass.
You talk about her ass again,
I'll break your neck.
Anyway, she told me
she likes you.
Really?
She said that?
Think about it.
It's gonna be your first
kiss as a married couple.
It's perfectly acceptable
to open your mouth.
I just would not want
to do that in a church...
in front of God
and all of our relatives.
It would gross them out
to see me like...
No one will ever solve that.
You forgot
your jacket in the limo.
Thank you for bringing it back.
That's so nice of you.
Yeah, it was.
I'll see you later, all right?
Have fun today.
Hey, wait a second.
Maybe...he can help us.
You're the expert on this.
We were just having a debate
about wedding kisses.
I say that it's OK for it
to be an open-mouth kiss.
And I say that it's
the type of occasion...
where people dress up,
so it's not appropriate.
-l see.
-What do you want to do?
Thin, tight mouth,
and it's over?
No. Thin, partially open.
No tongues, over.
No tongue? Please. There
has got to be a little.
Maybe a little tongue.
Not porno tongue.
Church tongue.
Church tongue. I like that.
Church tongue? What is that?
I don't know
how to describe it.
Well, show me.
Not on me.
How about on him?
You don't mind, do you?
Come on, just hold still.
Julia, go ahead.
Come on.
We're all adults here.
I'm gonna have to see it
to make an educated decision.
Well, if it's for
educational purposes.
Good. OK.
All right, you ready?
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Wow.
That...was...great.
Julia, you should do that
at the wedding.
I gave her the jacket.
Hey, Jules. Hey, Holly.
I kissed her,
but it didn't mean anything.
I just brought her the jacket.
Kissed who?
Oh, me.
Who hasn't?
I got you something.
It's called a CD player.
Cost me 700 bucks...
but the sound quality
is outstanding.
You want to play a record?
Jules, it doesn't play records.
It plays CDs.
It's a CD player.
I'll be upstairs hooking it up.
Oh, my God, Robbie
is so amazingly cute.
I think
I should go out with him.
Yeah, why not?
You're single, and he's single.
It makes sense.
If you don't want me to,
I won't do it.
Why would I not want you to?
Good, then I'm going out
with him.
Who you going out with?
Good.
That guy needs to get laid.
Excuse me.
Just because he's going out with me
doesn't mean he's gonna get laid.
All right, he probably will.
Do you think
he'll go out with me?
Jules is chums with him.
She'll fix it up, won't you?
You know what would be fun?
Let's go on a double date.
Sure you know
what you're doin up there?
Don't worry, you've got to stay in shape
so other men will look at you.
That way, your husband knows
you're still attractive.
Yeah, well just don't drop a
dumbbell on your head.
So, you still haven't been dating
anyone new, have you?
No, not yet.
Is it your confidence?
Are you nervous about
your penis?
What?
Are you nervous about
showing a new girl your penis?
You were comfortable
showing it to Linda...
...but now you might have to
show your penis to someone new.
What's the matter with you?
Don't talk about that.
You know I was at your
bris when you were a baby.
And I saw it.
It wasn't huge
but it had some size.
Don't worry about it.
-I'm not worried about it.
Next subject, quick!
It had good shape.
-What's the matter with you?
And when they cut the extra skin off,
the penis itself was very clean.
Well, that's great. Geez.
I'm gonna ask a girl
when I'm ready Rosie.
Well, let me help you
practice until you are.
Now, I'll be a young
girl and you'll be Robbie.
So, ask me out.
I don't wanna do this.
Hello sir.
Hello.
Is there something
you want to ask me?
Ok, would you like to go
to dinner with me sometime?
No...
...your
penis is too small.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
As I said,
it has some size.
Ok.
Robbie, you'll know
when you meet the right girl.
Because it's not
how you feel about her.
It's how she makes
you feel about yourself.
That makes a lot of sense.
All that other
stuff was ridiculous.
But that
made a lot of sense.
Look who we have here.
The precious angel.
-Hi Rosie.
How are the lessons going?
Well, I think I'm starting
to get the hang of it.
Yeah, she's starting to scaring
less and less people when she sings.
Oh, Robbie,
you're so funny.
You two talk.
I'm gonna do some
more military presses.
Ok.
Everything all right?
Yeah, actually, uhm, I came
by to ask you something now.
Yes, what's up?
Um...
Would you like to go
out on a date, with Holly?
Oh yeah, you want me to
go out on a date with Holly?
Yeah.
It'll be a double date,
Glen and I are gonna go to.
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah, Holly is nice.
Yeah.
And, she's single,
and you're single.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Come on,
it'll be fun.
Yeah, sounds like fun.
Robbie,
you look so cute tonight.
Thank you.
I like these rubber bracelets.
You look like Madonna.
Yeah, that's the idea.
Here you go.
So, Robbie,
how's your business going?
I'm actually working
on a game plan right now.
You should look
into the bond market.
-That's where the money is.
-Glenn's in junk bonds.
No, Jules,
it's high-yield bonds.
Do I tell people
you're in junk waitressing?
My grandmother gave me
a savings bond when I was a kid.
I get $25 in 1993,
so that'll be good.
So we totally
look like a couple.
Don't you think
we look great together?
David Bowie playing.
He's the best.
I think he's coming to town
in September.
I love David Bowie.
When I get excited...
My little China girl...
She says, "Oh, baby,
just you shut your mouth."
Shut your mouth. All right.
We all know the words.
God, I love David Bowie.
He is so sexy.
You think the "time to make
the donuts" guy is sexy.
That guy is funny.
You know who else
I think is sexy?
That's good.
Thank you very much.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Excuse us, guys.
We'll be right back.
She'll feel better
once she yaks.
I hope so.
So...
Sunday's the big day, huh?
I don't even know
your last name.
It's Gulia.
Julia's last name
is gonna be Gulia.
Julia Gulia. That's funny.
Why is that funny?
I don't know.
Are you excited?
Yeah. She's paid her dues,
been with me four years.
I owe it to her to get married.
You had the Long Island
iced tea.
Plus, you know, you probably...
you want to get married.
I don't want to break up.
Plus, she was with me
before I made my money...
so I know I can trust her.
That is a luscious ass
right there, isn't it?
My God.
That's Grade-A,
top-choice meat.
Like to bite
right through that thing.
Chew on it.
But we can't get chicks
like that anymore.
We're too old.
Speak for yourself.
I'm not too old.
I can still get chicks
like that.
Not that hot, though, right?
I've gotten hotter.
Try 10 days ago.
Really?
As hot as that?
Hotter and younger.
How do you do it, man?
How do you do it
without getting caught?
Julia is totally preoccupied
with the wedding.
She doesn't know
what's going on.
Oh, man.
You know what sucks, though?
Once you get married,
the party's over, right?
I work in the city, man.
And I work long hours.
Yeah, that's something.
Julia's feeling
a little under the weather.
Told you she was gonna yak.
Yeah, you called it.
Why don't you go get your car
and meet us out front?
Oh, God. I forgot my purse.
Do me a favor and put her
in the car with Glenn.
-No problem.
-It's OK.
I puked.
OK. Don't worry.
I vomited in my hair.
All right.
Does my hair smell bad?
No, it smells good, actually.
Just feel better, all right?
Hi, Glenn.
Don't puke in the car,
all right?
It'll stink for a week.
What do you think of Glenn?
Do you think he's trustworthy?
Yeah, he better be.
Who cares about Glenn?
You know what
I keep thinking about?
What?
That soft kiss
from the other day.
It looked really nice.
Did it feel good?
I don't know.
I don't remember.
Could I refresh your memory?
Yummy.
So you know Julia's
staying at Glenn's tonight.
Look, Robbie,
I know that you're shy...
and I know
that you've been hurt...
so I'm gonna make this
really easy on you.
If you come upstairs,
you're gonna get laid.
Wow.
Nobody's ever said that
to me before.
I just--I'm telling you...
my head's kind of a mess
right now.
Julia's staying
at Glenn's tonight, huh?
Does she stay over there a lot?
Really?
Oh, my God.
What?
I can't believe
I never noticed it before.
You've got a thing for Julia.
Oh, no, I don't.
I think she's
a very nice girl...
but she's marrying
that jerk-off.
You know why
she's marrying him, don't you?
The money thing?
Security? A nice house?
I guess that's important
to some people.
No, it's...
It's not important
to some people, Robbie.
It's important to all people.
Really? Then I guess
I'm in big trouble.
Morning, sunshine.
I have a bad headache.
A really bad headache.
Can I cook you
some breakfast?
How was your bottle of rum
last night?
I didn't vomit on you, did l?
A little on my shoe,
but I was wearing your shoes.
Good.
So, did anything happen
with Robbie last night?
A kiss.
Did you kiss him,
or did he kiss you?
I kissed him.
And then what?
Nothing.
He sure doesn't
think much of Glenn, though.
Really? What did he say?
That Glenn's a jerk-off.
Why would he say that?
Who knows?
Maybe he was jealous.
Don't worry. I told him
why you were marrying him.
Why did you tell him
I was marrying him?
Because you love him...
and because...
because with Glenn,
you'll have security.
But that's not
why I'm marrying him.
Then why are you?
Hi, Rosie. How are you?
Fine, dear.
Is Robbie here?
I came by to give him something.
No, Julia.
I'm afraid he's not.
But it's Thursday.
You have singing lessons today.
Not anymore.
Now that he's gone to the city
to get a real job...
he doesn't have time
to give me lessons.
Why do you think you'd be
a good hire for this bank?
I'm ready to work hard...
and when I put my mind
to something, I go all the way.
I'll go all the way
for you, sir.
Do you have any experience?
I have no experience,
but I'm a big fan of money.
I like it. I use it.
I have a little.
I keep it in a jar
on top of my refrigerator.
I'd like to put more in it.
That's where you come in.
He wants to make money.
Live in a nice house
with wide windows and lamps.
You can't expect him to live
forever with his sister...
and the nipple-twisting
that goes on there.
I thank you for your time.
Actually, sir, I need this job
to impress a girl.
Will you leave now, please?
You don't even have
to give me the job.
If you could give me some cards
with my name on it...
I think that might help.
I'm gonna try
and go look for him, OK?
Tell him I'll give him a raise.
Three meatballs a lesson.
How about this?
for one business card.
Thank you very much.
Hey, Julia.
What are you doing here?
I went by Rosie's to find you.
I'm not doing that anymore.
I thought that teaching
was a big part of your life.
It was, but now I'm doing
some stuff...
to better my situation.
Sounds kind of selfish.
It's not selfish. There's
a lot of money out there.
I'm trying to get
my hands on some.
But you don't want to be
just another yuppie idiot.
What's wrong with that?
Don't want to live in
my sister's basement anymore.
I want to get a big house,
have some security.
Can't do that doing favors
for people all the time...
getting paid in meatballs.
But you're above
all that material bullshit.
I don't know. We're living
in a material world...
and I am a material girl.
Or boy.
No, you're not.
What about you?
You're into material shit.
What do you mean?
You're marrying Glenn
'cause he's got money.
You asshole.
Oh, my gosh.
She made me a present.
I am an asshole!
You're going
to the mental institution.
Beat it!
-Rudy.
-Same?
Give me the same, please.
What's up?
-There he is.
-You all right?
You know something?
You were right.
You've always been right.
What have I been so right about?
Women.
You just have fun with them.
You get emotionally involved,
and they end up...
What do they do to you?
They rip your heart
out of your ass.
That's right.
Did something happen with Julia?
I went on
that double date, right?
And the moron
she's gonna marry...
actually tells me
he cheats on her.
But can I tell her?
No. Who am l
to break up a marriage?
You need a prostitute.
Anyways...I'm confused.
Because you like her.
I think I'm in love with her.
But I gotta get that
out of my head, you know?
From now on,
I'm gonna be like you.
I'm gonna be with
a different chick every night...
and then I'll send them packin'.
Sounds like you got it
all figured out.
I'm gonna have to give them
cab money to go home...
because I'll feel bad
if I don't...
but after that,
it's Bye-Bye, Birdie.
That's it, man,
starting right now.
We are gonna be free and happy
the rest of our lives.
I'm not happy.
I'm miserable.
What?
I grew up idolizing guys...
like Fonzie
and Vinnie Barbarino...
'cause they got
a lot of chicks.
You know what happened to Fonzie
and Vinnie Barbarino?
I read that Fonzie
wants to be a director...
and Barbarino, I think,
the mechanical bull movie.
I didn't see it yet.
Their shows got canceled
'cause no one wants to see
a 50-year-old guy
hitting on chicks.
What are you saying?
What I'm saying is,
all I really want...
is someone to hold me...
and tell me that everything
is gonna be all right.
Everything is
gonna be all right.
If you found someone
you can love...
you can't let her get away.
You're right, man.
Thank you, Sammy.
Don't tell anyone what I said.
Mom.
Do you really like Glenn?
Oh, sure, honey.
What's not to like?
He's rich, he's charming,
he's handsome...
and now he's really got it all
'cause he's got you.
Honey, what's the matter?
I don't know if
I'm in love with him anymore.
Why? What happened?
I just don't know
if he's the right guy for me.
And I've been spending
a lot of time...
with this other man,
Robbie Hart.
The wedding singer?
You're thinking of leaving
Glenn for the wedding singer?
I don't know
what I'm thinking.
I'm confused.
I know, sweetie.
You've got what is known
as the jitters, cold feet.
Everybody has 'em. I had 'em.
Course, I should have run
screaming down the street...
instead of marrying your father,
but Glenn is different.
He's a keeper.
You're gonna marry Glenn
on Sunday.
You're gonna love him...
and everything's
gonna be wonderful.
Where's your veil?
It's downstairs.
I'll go get it.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
I'm Mrs. Glenn Gulia.
Hello. It's nice to meet you.
I'm Julia Gulia.
Right when I wake up
in the morning...
you're the first person
that pops in my head.
I keep thinking
about you over and over.
It's nice to meet you.
I'm Mrs. Julia Gulia.
I'm pleased to meet you.
I'm Mrs. Robbie Hart.
Robbie and I are so pleased
you could come to our wedding.
Pretty good?
What happened?
She just looked way too happy.
I couldn't do it.
I'm sorry, man.
Hey, Rudy. Get Robbie a double.
Actually, Rudy,
don't even worry about it.
I brought my own.
You can't drink that in here.
All right.
I'll finish up in the alley.
Are you guys coming?
It's the wedding singer.
Hey, Glenn. What's up?
I heard you couldn't
close the deal with Holly.
What's the matter with that?
You're not...
You like women, right?
Not as much as you do, I guess.
We're gonna have a little
pre-bachelor party.
You want to come
and have a beer?
You're ridiculous, man.
Stop all this
cheating shit, moron.
She's a good girl.
Hey, asswipe...
don't go snitchin'
to Julia about this.
I know you got
some little crush on her...
but you gotta face the facts.
She'd rather go to bed
with a real man...
not some poor singing orphan.
All right, shithead.
I haven't been in a fight...
since I was
in the fifth grade...
but I beat the shit
out of that kid...
so now I'm gonna beat
the shit out of you.
What are you doing?
I'm sorry.
I used to be much stronger.
Why don't you write
a song about this?
You can call it...
"l got punched in the nose...
"for stickin' my face
in other people's business."
Way to go.
Sounds like a country song.
Kiss my grits.
I can see that you're drunk,
and that's OK.
I'm still gonna tell you this.
I really miss you,
and I want to come back.
I don't want
to be alone anymore.
You're not alone anymore.
Linda's back.
Can I help you?
Is Robbie here?
I'm afraid he's indisposed.
Shower.
You must be Linda.
Yeah, that's me...
Robbie's fiancee.
Who are you?
I'm Julia Sullivan.
Would you tell him
that I came by to see him?
Oh, yeah,
surely will, Jennifer.
It's Julia.
Wake up, sleepyhead.
This is the first day
of our new life together.
Wake me up...
Before you go-go.
Don't leave me hanging on
like a solo.
What are you doing here?
Well, you passed out,
so I took care of you.
What?
Why'd you take care of me?
I told you last night.
I realized I was wrong...
and I want to take
care of you for good.
I can learn
to deal with the fact...
that you're a wedding singer
and not a rock star.
You can learn to deal with that?
I don't want you to learn
to deal with that.
That's not how it works. Jeez!
Maybe we should talk about this
when you're feeling better.
Hey, psycho...
I'm not gonna feel
better about this.
It's over.
Now please get out
of my Van Halen t-shirt...
before you jinx the band
and they break up.
So you're still pissed
about that wedding thing.
Glenn, good morning.
Hey, baby.
You gonna make breakfast in bed?
Actually, I've been doing
some thinking, and...
I don't need a big wedding...
and I think
that I've been really selfish...
making you do something
you don't even want to do.
You wanna go to Vegas?
All right. Let's go.
There were bells...
On a hill...
But I never heard them ringing.
No, I never heard
them at all...
'Til there was you.
And there was music...
And there were wonderful roses.
They tell me...
In sweet...
Fragrant meadows...
Of dawn and dew.
There was love...
All around...
Flight number 1156
is now ready for boarding.
We'd like to ask passengers
traveling with small children...
I never heard it at all...
'Til there was you.
I just always
envisioned the right one...
being someone
I could grow old with.
I know. I'll go get the car.
Rosie, congratulations.
I gotta go take care
of something, OK?
I know you do. Go get her.
All right.
-l need to talk to you.
-l can't talk right now.
-Are you back with Linda?
-No. Who said that?
Julia.
She went to your house...
to tell you she was
falling for you...
and Linda answered the door
in her underwear.
She was so upset...
she and Glenn
jumped a plane to Vegas.
What do you mean? They're
getting married tomorrow.
Apparently,
that wasn't soon enough.
I said, hip, hop...
A-hippie to the hippie
to the hip, hip, hop.
You don't stop rockin'
to the bang, bang boogie...
Say, up comes the boogie...
To the rhythm
of the boogie that beats.
We're now ready
for our general boarding.
That's it, sweetie.
Ready to go?
This is a great idea.
I'm glad you came around.
You want to do some
gambling and fun right away...
or just get married?
I just want to get married.
You're never going to find her.
There's got to be a million
wedding chapels in Vegas.
-Does anybody have a pen?
-What for?
I got a good idea for a song.
-Here.
-Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, I'm sorry.
Can I help you?
I need a ticket
for Las Vegas, please.
We only have one seat left
in our first-class section.
The next flight
leaves in the morning.
Can I borrow
your credit card?
You're going
to pay me back, right?
No, but if you don't
give it to me...
I'm going to tell everybody
what you said at the bar.
Thanks.
That was really nice of you.
Thanks.
Do you like
Flock of Seagulls?
I can see you do.
-Wish me luck.
-Go get her!
Do you mind
if we switched seats...
and I sat in the window seat?
I hate the aisle seat.
Every time that cart comes by,
it bangs me in the elbows.
Your arms are smaller
than mine, Jules.
I know. I just never saw
the lights of Vegas before.
Tell you what.
How about I let you lean over me
when we fly over the strip?
Thank you.
Hot towel?
Thanks.
Oh, my. I'm sorry.
I've never been
on first class before.
My name is Joyce.
Just buzz if you need anything.
Thank you. Here.
Sir?
Is that Billy Idol?
-I believe it is.
-Oh, my God.
Would you like some champagne
or some orange juice?
How much is it?
-It's free.
-It's what?
Holy shit, this is incredible.
Actually, I shouldn't drink.
I fell in love with this girl
who's going to marry an idiot...
so I'm on my way to Vegas
to stop them.
That's the sweetest thing
I've ever heard.
Where are they getting married?
I don't know where...
but I'm going to run around
and find them.
I got to do what I got to do.
Next time they come by,
grab me a Heineken.
She comes over to tell me
how she feels...
and Linda answers the door...
wearing nothing
but my Van Halen t-shirt.
No way.
I don't know what to do.
She's getting married,
and he's going to ruin her life.
Glenn doesn't deserve her.
All he cares about
are possessions...
fancy cars, CD players.
Even women
are possessions to him.
Billy idol gets it.
I don't know why
she doesn't get it.
I hope you find her.
You guys
will not believe this.
Some creep in coach
who thinks he's Don Johnson...
just asked me to be part
of the mile-high club.
He said I was
Grade-A, top-choice meat.
Is he right in here?
What's the mile-high club?
Oh, my God.
The mile-high guy is Glenn.
They're on this plane.
No way!
You guys got to help me.
Right!
Good afternoon, everyone.
We're flying at 26,000 feet,
moving up to 30,000 feet...
and we got clear skies
all the way to Las Vegas.
And now, we're bringing you
some in-flight entertainment.
One of our first-class
passengers...
would like
to sing you a song...
inspired by one
of our coach passengers.
And since we let
our first-class passengers...
do pretty much whatever
they want, here he is.
I wanna make you smile...
Whenever you're sad...
Carry you around...
When your arthritis is bad.
Oh, all I wanna do...
Is grow old with you.
I'll get you medicine...
When your tummy aches...
Build you a fire...
If the furnace breaks.
Oh, it could be so nice...
Growin' old with you.
I'll miss you...
Kiss you...
Give you my coat...
When you are cold...
Need you...
Feed you...
Even let you hold...
The remote control.
What the hell's
that fruit doing here?
Get out of the way!
Excuse me, sir.
I have to serve the beverages.
How you doing, sir?
Chicken or fish?
Get out of my way,
or you're going to get hurt.
Don't you talk
to Billy Idol that way.
So let me clear the dishes...
In our kitchen sink...
Put you to bed...
When you've had
too much to drink.
I could be the man...
Who grows old with you.
I wanna grow old...
With you.
That was the most
beautiful song.
I got a confession to make.
That song was about you.
Good.
I'm in love with you.
I am so in love with you.
That wasn't a bad song.
I'm going to tell those
record company guys about you.
You mind if I give her
a kiss first?
Do what you got to do.
I know this...
Much is...
True.
I know this...
Much is...
True.
I know, I know, I know...
This much is true.
Oh, yes, I do...
Robbie and Julia.