(Door opens)
(Bicycle freewheel clicking)
(Water splashing)
(Phone buzzing)
(Dog barking)
(Music on earphones)
Hiya! You're always fucking
late, you, aren't you?
- Sorry.
- Oh, it's good to see you.
And you.
- Come in.
- You look really good.
(Giggles) Get in!
- Is Jamie through there?
Yeah, they're in the living
room, they're all in there.
- Cathy, your oven's not working.
- Don't worry about it, it'll be all right.
(Men shouting) - All right?
All right?
- How you doing?
- Yeah, good.
- I made a bet you'd be on time tonight.
- Sorry.
- Hiya!
- Hiya.
I had a late shift at work.
- Well, you're here now. Beer?
- Yeah, cheers.
And something to
get you started.
- All right, Russ?
- All right, Johnny. How you doing?
This is Damien.
All right, mate?
- Get that down you, warm your cockles.
- Cheers.
- There you go.
- Thanks, buddy.
(Jamie laughs)
- Here we are! (Chatter)
There's no poppadoms,
I'm sorry, we're out.
What have we got?
Here, Jamie, Jamie, Jamie!
Have you got a plate, Johnny?
Hold on.
- We haven't got enough plates.
- We haven't got enough plates.
- This is doing my head in.
- Take these off me.
(Chatter)
- Get lost.
(Woman) It's all right, we'll share.
- Cath, have you got another plate?
- Another plate? Have we not got enough?
No.
You need one, as well. Get two.
(Woman) You can eat from the
packet, you'll be fine.
(Cathy) I'll just have a small one.
- I'll have any one.
Actually, you should have the
small one cos you were late.
(Johnny) All right, this stag do,
right, I'm thinking, a few...
couple of beers, go out, you
know, sambucas, all that...
- strip club.
- Definitely.
No, you're not
having a stripper.
- No, no, no, you're not invited.
- You're not having a stripper!
You've got to have a stripper.
It's traditional, isn't it?
- It is traditional.
- Tradition.
(Helen) It's not
traditional, it's foul.
I'm not going to have a stripper.
I don't see why you should.
It's not foul. Get a classy one.
It's just natural - get a classy one!
(Cathy) Russ, you wouldn't
like a stripper, would you?
- I don't know, I don't...
- Yeah, he's all right with a stripper,
in't you, eh?
Right? So...
(Jamie) Russ starts a little fire, nice
and cosy in the middle of the field,
and before you know it these
fifth years come along
and they're just adding
wood and adding wood,
there's a big line of people just adding wood.
The fire is fucking massive.
- The flames are higher than this house.
(Laughter)
Look, I'm not joking!
- And then we are... And then...
- It's true.
...any minute, we're
surrounded by police,
the whole perimeter
of the entire field
with those million-power
candle torches things.
(Laughter)
- And an Astra burns on, full beam,
and we all scarper, you're fucking
left there stoned out your mind!
(Laughter)
You are coming on
Sunday, aren't you?
You're joking?
I don't think I can handle
it without you being there.
I can't wait, mate.
I've got Lois the
sweetest little present.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
That's nice. Well, of course you have -
that's why we made you the godfather.
- It's nice to see you, mate.
- Yeah.
You've been keeping a
low profile recently.
- Mmm.
- Anything to tell?
Er...
Yeah, there's...
there's a promotion at work.
- Ah, promotion.
- Been doing a few extra shifts.
Come on, let me in, let me in,
let me in, let me in, let me in!
- All right?
- All right, mate?
Here, give us that.
Eh? What do you reckon?
You look lovely.
(Laughs) You look lovely!
- No, you look nice.
(Jamie laughs)
- I look like, er...
(Jamie) Kavana!
- Kavana!
- QC?
- You're always such a muppet!
(Johnny) Give us the thing. Where is it?
(Women laughing in the background)
(Johnny) Got a lighter?
(Jamie) Yeah.
I've gotta go, I'm knackered.
Oh, I'm having a really good
night, let's keep it going.
Jamie, I've got to work in the
morning, and I'm a bit stoned,
- but I'll see you on Sunday.
- Yeah, all right, yeah.
It'll be fun. All right?
- Give my love to the little one.
- Yeah, OK, mate.
- All right, mate, see ya.
- Bye, mate.
(Girls chattering and whooping)
(Muffled music)
(Music pounding)
(Slow pop song playing)
- Morning. (Russell) All right?
- How you feeling?
- Pretty rough.
Gonna give me the coffee?
(Chuckles)
Thank you!
Ooh! Shit.
It's all right, don't
worry about it.
What time do you start work?
Er, 10 o'clock.
- Got a bit of time, then.
- Mmm.
Get back into bed.
- You were pretty wasted last night.
(Both chuckle)
- Sorry.
- Don't have to apologise.
Was I a dick?
I had to save you
from the Hobbit.
Don't be nasty.
He was all right.
- Bit camp. (Chuckles)
Nice smile though.
Is that what you go
for, a nice smile?
No.
Just little people.
What?
- Have I got morning breath?
- No, quite the contrary.
- Have you brushed your teeth?
- No.
- I can smell toothpaste.
- So?
Now you've broken an unwritten rule,
because now you smell all minty fresh
- and I smell of cock and bum!
(Laughs)
So, did you like the club?
- Did you like the club?
(Laughs)
Not really, no!
I hated it.
Right, you ready, then?
For what?
You can't get out of it
now, you promised me,
- and I've come for my pound of flesh.
- I thought you were joking.
Course not. Do you think I would
have slept with you otherwise?
- Well, I'm not doing it.
- Oh, yeah, you are!
What kind of stuff is
it you want me to say?
Er, anything you like.
Just talk about last night,
you know, what happened,
what you wanted to happen.
It's up to you, really.
- Why?
- Just because.
- It's for an art project?
- Yeah.
And you're just gonna lie
there and record me speaking.
Exactly.
And people are going
to listen to it.
If you make the grade, yeah.
Oh, come on. Erm...
I... I don't know.
I can hardly remember anything.
Just start from the beginning
when you first saw me.
- I don't know, I just saw you.
- Oh, come on, stop stalling. Just talk.
All right.
OK. Erm...
I saw you in the club
and I thought you were...
I thought you were out of
my league or whatever.
- Erm, I liked your T-shirt a lot.
- What league are you in?
I don't know. Erm...
third division?
I don't think you believe
that for a moment.
Then you, erm...
followed me into the toilets and tried
to eye me up at the urinal - hot.
(Laughs) Well, you left.
- And then I left.
- Why?
There was someone else I wanted,
but by the time I found him
he was with someone else, so...
So I was your second choice?
Why does that matter?
(Man shouting outside)
- This is a stupid fucking conversation.
Did you hear that?
(Man outside) Queer?
- No.
(Man) Oh, look!
(Man) Queer!
- Glen...
(Glen) What the fuck do
you think you're doing?
- Glen. Please just close the fucking window.
(Glen) Leave him alone!
(Man) Fuck off!
- What did you say?
(Man) Fuck off!
- I swear to God, if you don't quit,
I'm gonna come down there and fucking
rape your holes, do you hear me?
(Window slams shut)
(Glen laughs)
- Ooh, it's cold out there.
- Sorry, what... what was that?
That was fun.
They're gonna fucking chuck
bricks through my windows.
You live 14 flights up.
"I'm going to rape your holes"?
(Laughs) Fucking hell.
Who says that? Who...
And, erm... Yeah, we came back
here, didn't we, obviously.
And, er, I offered you
a drink, I think,
although I can't
really remember.
Erm...
And then you kissed me in
the hallway, in my hallway.
- And I groped you.
- Did you?
(Chuckles) And you groped me.
And I was happy to feel
you had a big dick
and it was throbbing
in your trousers,
which was surprising
because you were so drunk.
And then we went
into the bedroom.
Can you remember what
you wanted to happen?
Mmm, nope.
What about when I
took your top off?
Nope.
I wanted to lick your pits.
I've got a thing about pits.
- Come on, lift up.
- No.
- Let me have a see.
- No.
Come on.
- No!
- Why not?
- Cos it's weird.
- It's not weird.
- Yes, it is, it's weird.
- Let me have a look.
No.
You're pathetic.
Stingy bitch, open up.
All right.
I'll show you, OK?
But don't touch my pits.
- God, what is this, a museum?
(Laughs)
Open!
OK.
See? Very nice.
Good amount of hair.
And then, er, you
started to jack me off.
- No, I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.
- Nope. I didn't.
- I thought you were too drunk to remember.
We were in the hallway
and we were kissing,
and like you said, you
took my shirt off.
Erm...
I remember that because
I was really sweaty
and I was worried that I was
going to be all smelly.
- You were fine.
- Good. Thank you.
- Then what?
- Erm...
OK, then you started kissing my
ears and then you kissed my neck
and then you kissed my...
then you kissed my
hand, which was...
Yeah.
Did you wish my cock was bigger?
No.
Have you had many cut cocks?
Why do you ask that?
I couldn't work out
if you were...
pretending to be the type of
boy who didn't suck many cocks
or you...
you actually were that type of boy.
And this is what you were thinking
about, is it, when we were having sex?
What about when I was
playing with your arsehole?
- Why do you ask these things?
- Too hard, too soft?
It was fine.
Erm...
- It was too hard, maybe.
- So why didn't you say anything?
And you didn't want
me to fuck you.
No, I didn't.
Why?
- Just because.
- You're not into the...
It's not that, it's just...
Would it have made
you feel too gay?
In fact, are you actually out?
- Yes.
- Are you sure about that?
I just thought that we were
having a really nice time
and it was lovely, it was
more than enough for me,
so, erm, sorry, Glen, if
I don't make your grade.
- How do you save it?
- Er...
You've done it, that's fine.
(Door opening)
So, then.
(Woman) Did you have a
good time last night?
(Man) Last night
was sweet, yeah.
Well, it was a delight to meet you.
And you really do have a lovely home.
Thank you.
(Lift doors clunking) (Man
and woman chatting quietly)
(Man) See you soon.
(Man) Queer!
(Sighs) Fuck it.
(Alarm sounding)
Ain't looking like a big boy now though, cos
that bitch ain't even clean downstairs,
I don't want to tell you the destruction
that was going on down there.
(Man) Really?
- It weren't clean! (Groans)
Anyhow, I'm thinking, "What can I do?
What can I do? What can I do?"
I'm like, "All right, I'm not gonna get
hard, fuck it, I'll use the finger."
Turn the lights off, and start thinking
of something nice while I finger her,
get fucking squelching it down, I
might be able to get hard later.
Got two fingers, like
the scissor thing,
three fingers, four fingers,
got my fucking whole
hand in like that.
Fucking jab her and that.
Aargh, get in there, you bastard!
- Anyway, I didn't fucking shag her.
- I was gonna say, what the fuck, like?
Fuckin' hell, he's on
his phone, isn't he?
Who are you fucking talking to?
You get lucky as well, did you, son?
- No, no.
- No? Ah, he's a fucking shy one, isn't he?
Don't worry, it weren't Becky.
It weren't Becky.
You can fucking have her, mate.
Bring your rubber gloves next time
and we'll fucking go twos up, eh?
- Do the David Seaman on her.
- Shut up!
(Women chatting and laughing)
(Glen) Afternoon.
(Glen chuckles)
There you go, you might need it.
- Cheers.
- That's all right.
Chin-chin.
What a beauty.
Thank you.
I got it in a charity shop for,
like, 3 quid, it was a bargain.
(Glen) So, do you
enjoy your job?
(Russell) Yeah, it's all right.
(Glen) There's nothing wrong with
being a lifeguard, you know.
I didn't say there was.
I'm just saying.
I was in the swimming team
with one of my schools, so...
- You ever save anyone's life?
- Yeah.
Really?
- Yeah. (Laughs)
What's funny about that?
I've saved loads of people's lives.
Old people mainly, but I've been a
lifeguard for years, so it's...
Someone drowned once.
- I was off duty though, so...
- Oh, shame.
Yeah, I know.
(Glen coughing)
Fuck me!
You all right?
You need to stop smoking, mate.
It's all right, I'll get
you a free day pass.
This is a nice place
you've brought me to.
So what do you do now?
I can't really remember, sorry.
- I work in the gallery in town.
- That's right, I remember.
Have you ever been?
No. That's the ugly one, right?
- Do you like art?
- Yeah.
It doesn't matter if you don't.
No, I like art. Just because I haven't
been to a gallery doesn't mean I don't.
(Glen) Have you travelled much?
No, not really.
- Have you ever been to America?
- No, I'd like to though.
Listen, want a backie?
No.
You can't be... No, I can't.
- Come on, put your leg over.
- Fuck's sake!
I look like a twat!
- Oh, Jesus. Ah, fuck!
(Horn beeps)
You on? OK, put your
arms around my waist.
Come on, there we go.
Do you feel safe?
- No!
- Good.
- You ready?
- This is a bad idea! (Laughing)
- It's a brilliant idea.
(Laughing)
(Horn beeps) - Whoo-ooo!
(Russell) Scream if you
want to go faster!
(Music thudding on car stereo)
I like all your stuff.
Thanks.
Looks like you raided
a charity shop.
Yeah.
I hate new stuff, you know?
(Sliding sounds)
- What are you writing?
- Nothing. (Chuckles)
Like this mug, for example.
This was probably owned by some lovely
little old lady with a moustache.
Mmm.
And she bought it and it was her
favourite thing in the whole wide world,
and then she died, gave
it to her grandchildren,
they hated it, sold it,
then bought an Xbox or a Wii
- or some flat-pack wardrobe from Ikea.
- Mmm.
And now I've got
it, and I like it.
- It's a very costly mug.
- What do you mean?
To be able to buy a Wii...
or an Xbox.
I don't even know how
much those things are.
Do you want milk, sugar?
Yeah, one of those.
OK.
Just got to wait for
the kettle to boil.
Are you hungry?
No.
I've got some nice pitta bread.
I'm fine.
Well, I'm starving, so I'm
going to have to eat.
OK.
I've been thinking about this
morning and your tape thing.
Mm-hm.
- It's for an art project, yeah?
- Yeah.
So is that what you want to
be, you want to be an artist?
Kind of.
So, and you really
don't have to tell me,
how is your tape art project
just going to be an art project
and not people talking dirty?
You think talking
about sex is dirty?
You know what I mean.
It's just I'm not sure if...
(Grunts)
...people want to hear about the
random sex life of strangers.
You just don't want people
hearing about your sex life.
That's true.
Imagine if everybody
was just open
about what they did and
that everything was normal.
- Yeah, but people are open, aren't they?
- Are they?
There was this guy
in work today,
I'm just sat there
having my lunch,
and he starts talking about how many
fingers he can put up a girl's fanny.
But was he gay?
- No.
- Well, there you go, then.
You like a lot of
condiments, don't you?
I love my condiments.
Gay people never talk
about it in public
unless it's just cheap innuendo.
I think it's cos
they're ashamed.
Maybe it's just they're a
little bit embarrassed.
Isn't that the same thing?
It smells of spunk.
(Glen) Anyway, that tape thing
isn't really about sex at all.
(Russell) Really?
But I know what artists sound like
when they talk about their work,
so I'm not going to sit
and sound like a cunt.
Well, it's a good job you're not
an artist yet, then, isn't it?
Ooh, very funny!
Come on, tell me.
I'm interested.
All right.
Well, you know what it's like when you
first sleep with someone you don't know?
Yeah.
It's... You, like,
become this blank canvas
and it gives you an opportunity to project
onto that canvas who you want to be.
And that's what's interesting,
because everybody does it.
- So, do you think that I did it?
- Course you did.
Well, what happens is,
while you're projecting
who you want to be,
this gap opens up between
who you want to be
and who you really are,
and in that gap, it shows you
what's stopping you becoming
who you want to be.
And all of this from
talking about sex?
All of that from
talking about sex.
Interesting.
I like it.
I'm not sure that I totally
understand what you're saying, but...
Yeah, all this sounds better in my
head, I don't think I've explained...
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm interested.
I'm really interested.
So what are you gonna do?
- Are you just gonna play the recordings out loud...
- I don't know, I don't know.
The problem is that no one's gonna come
and see it, because it's about gay sex.
So the gays will only come because they
want a glimpse of a cock and they'll be...
And the straights won't come because, well,
it's got nothing to do with their world.
They'll go and see pictures of
refugees or murder or rape,
but gay sex? Fuck off.
(Chuckles)
Fuck it.
Doesn't matter, does it?
I'd come.
- No, you wouldn't.
- Yeah, I would.
OK, maybe I...
Maybe I wouldn't come.
Make sure you put your
thumb over the hole.
- Do you want me to light it for you?
- Yeah.
Tuck in.
Here, do it again.
That's it.
Are you out to your parents?
Are you out to your parents?
You don't look like the kind of boy who would be.
Well...
- Well what?
- It's complicated.
It's not complicated,
you just have to do it.
I came out to mine
on Mother's Day.
- How old were you?
- Sixteen.
- Did they freak out?
- No.
I told them nature or nurture,
it's your fault, so get over it.
Good answer.
- I would, but...
- But what?
I don't really know my parents.
Actually, I don't know
who they are at all.
That's interesting.
It's fine.
So what happened?
Well, erm...
I moved around in foster
homes until I was about 16.
Mm-hm. Fuck.
I met my best mate there,
Jamie, when we were 12.
Er, yeah, it was nice, we
just went around as a pair.
Fucking hell. What was it like?
What?
Being in care.
It was fine.
I mean, I wasn't abused or anything.
Shame.
You should have got a refund.
- So, does... does he know about you?
- Who?
- Jamie.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm like his
brother, really.
Everyone knows about
me in my friends.
The close ones anyway.
What?
Is it really wrong that I'm finding the whole...
orphan thing pretty sexy?
(Glen laughs)
Oh, my God.
What's wrong with you?
(Laughs) Sorry, I
think it's the weed!
Are you serious...
Are you laughing at my childhood tragedy?
I just got an image of you as
Oliver with Mr Bumble! (Laughs)
Oh, fucking hell.
- I'm a bad person.
- Yeah, you are.
- I'm a terrible cunt. (Laughs)
- You're a terrible cunt.
So, do you live with
Gill all the time?
Er, yeah, she's my flatmate.
She's all right, she
keeps out the way.
- I quite liked her.
- Yeah, she's a good girl.
Well, thank you for
this afternoon.
(Glen) Er, thank you.
Erm, so I'll give
you a call later.
- OK.
- OK.
I will.
Bye.
(Knocking on door)
- All right?
- Hello again. Look...
there's something I
didn't tell you.
Have you got a boyfriend?
No, I don't have a boyfriend,
I don't do boyfriends. Erm...
I'm going away tomorrow.
- Cool, where are you going?
- Portland. It's in Oregon.
Very nice.
How long are you going for?
About two years, I
think, maybe more.
Oh, I thought you meant, like,
for a holiday or something.
No, I'm doing a course. Erm...
"Contemporary Perspectives of
Modern Art in the 21st Century."
So you're doing an art course.
- Glen, that's... that's really great.
- I should have said something.
No.
It's fine. It's... It's great.
Honestly, you...
you didn't have to tell me.
Honestly - an art course.
You...
You get to be a proper cunt now.
(Glen laughs)
I've told you now,
so I'm gonna go.
Hey, erm, what are you doing tonight?
Cos I'm having some drinks with some friends
and it would be pretty
cool if you came along,
but it's up to you, cos I don't wanna
kind of put pressure on you or anything,
so I'll send you a
text or something
and then you can
come or not come
and it's up to you, it doesn't
matter either way, OK?
All right, all right, all right.
(Water running)
(Phone buzzing)
- All right? (Jamie) All right?
- How you doing?
- Yeah, not too bad, yeah. You all right?
Look, Cathy's gone up town with
Lois - do you want to come round?
- Are you up to anything?
- Has she? Erm...
I might have plans
later, actually.
Oh. All right. Well...
Erm, going out, party, I think.
- OK, what, like a work thing?
- No.
Er, no, I've actually...
I met somebody. Someone I met.
- Oh, right, oh, nice one!
- Yeah.
When did you meet them?
Er, I met him last night at Propaganda.
It's a gay bar.
You said you were going
home when you left.
Mmm, yeah, sorry, mate.
I was going home, but I was just
on the bus and I was thinking,
so I just...
I changed my mind, so, sorry.
No, that's all right.
What's his name, then?
- Glen.
- Glen?
Well, look, why don't
you bring him tomorrow?
(Laughs) No. No way.
Go on, it'll be fine!
- No.
- What's the problem?
- OK.
- Well, it's up to you, whatever.
- Listen, he's going away anyway, so...
- Oh, right, I see.
I've got to go, Jamie, so
I'll catch you in a bit.
- I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?
- Yeah, all right. You'd better be there.
All right, mate. Bye, bye, bye.
(Distant siren)
(Lively chatter)
(Boy) He's had a girlfriend
too, for like...
He's been going out with her for two
months and he hasn't even fingered her.
(Girl) Definitely looks gay.
(Boy) Have you seen his walk?
(Chatter and laughter)
(Boy) And his voice too.
(Girl) Oh, yeah, his voice.
(Boy) He probably does straightening, like.
Conditions his hair every morning.
He gets up at half-seven so
his mum can do his hair.
- Have you seen his Facebook statuses?
- No.
There's about 40 a day.
(Muffled music)
(Loud rock music,
lively chatter)
(Man) All right? What can I get you?
- All right, mate. Do you do bitter?
- Yeah.
- Can I get two pints of bitter?
(Laughter)
- I got you a drink. (Chuckles)
- I don't like beer.
- Do you not?
Afraid not.
Sorry.
Why this place, Glen?
It's a bit more fun, isn't it, than
your normal, erm... normal gay bar?
I'm surprised you came.
Really?
- Little bit.
- Well, I'm here now.
- Good.
- Cheers.
(All) Hi!
We've got a new member of the group,
let's not make a fuss about it.
This is Russell, everybody.
This is Cock 1, Cock 2, Cock 3,
Dolly Parton, Cock 4, Lorna,
you know Gill already.
- And this is all...
- I'm Russell, nice to meet you.
(Overlapping chatter)
I went on the bed with a hard-on
and I heard all this clanging
and things coming out of bags
and zips and poppers and things, and I...
he was there for ages...
Hey!
Well done. Here we go!
One, two, three, four, five...
Go!
Anyway, so I was lying on
the bed waiting for him,
and after about 10
minutes of this,
it was like, I was starting to lose my
hard-on because it was getting boring,
and then he walked in and he was fully
done up in leather, like boots and things
and chaps and everything,
and he was much older
than his picture said,
and he walked in and I
was like, "Oh, fuck!".
And he just put his boot on my bed and
he went, "Lick my fucking boots!".
And I went like, "Er, I don't think
so, I think I'll pass actually."
And he was like, "Lick
my fucking boots!".
Sorry, guys, can I squeeze past?
All right, how are you?
I'd leave him to
it, if I were you.
What's he doing?
Well, he's just started
phase one of the attack.
The whole straight narrative is there
for you to inherit, it's just there.
There to shape your
foundations, to set you up...
boy meets girl, they fall in love,
they go skipping through the meadows
and that's how your life is set.
Everything is there.
All the books, all the
films, all the TV shows,
everything is just
inherited, given to you.
I think he does like you though.
I mean, he wouldn't let me listen to the tape,
and he always lets me
listen to the tapes, so...
you must have made some
kind of impression.
I'm quite glad he didn't let you have a
listen to the tape, to be honest with you.
Yet!
He didn't let me listen to
it yet - there's still time!
What, is it dirty? Is it?
- No, no!
- Proper sordid?
No.
Oh, boring.
Them ones are the best.
- I took umbrage with the loud noise.
- You didn't take...
- You make a loud... You made a loud noise.
- You didn't make umbrage with the loud noise.
You made umbrage with the fact that you've
got a load of gay people in a straight bar.
That's what you've got your problem with.
Admit it, just admit it.
- No...
- Absolutely admit it.
The thing is, Glen likes to be a
big fish, not a little tiddler.
I mean, to be honest, I
think he's gonna bottle it.
- Can you keep a secret?
- Yeah.
Some of us have
got a little bet.
That's not very supportive.
Supportive? No.
No, I just understand
him, that's all.
He does this. I mean like, once,
he signed up to teach in Africa.
I think it was Africa.
It was just when he split up with John.
Has he told you about John?
No, no, he hasn't told me about John.
To be honest with you, I don't really think...
That was way back when
he did boyfriends.
The sexuality... The sexuality of the
loud noise was not an issue with me,
- it was the fact that the noise was loud.
- The sexuality of the loud noise?
It was the fact that
the noise was loud.
Oh, right, so it's just
merely a matter of decibels.
He used to cheat on him a lot, John did,
and Glen was like, "It doesn't matter,"
but it would matter to me, and then
at the end of the relationship,
he was in the park, cruising,
and he got beaten up.
What, Glen did?
No, no, not Glen. John.
(Glen) Volume is the issue. That's it.
- The volume.
Just ruining your night. We're just here
ruining your night, is that the problem?
(Man) Look at us holding hands!
Look!
What?
Nothing.
- You look like you want to kiss me.
- I do.
Go on, then.
No, not here. I can't...
I can't here.
(Russell) Oh!
Ah, thank you.
Do you want to get the
fuck out of here?
What do you mean?
Do you want to get the
fuck out of here?
(Siren) (Clock bells chiming)
Don't you think your mates are going
to be a little bit pissed off?
- Why?
- Well...
I mean, we just
marched out of there.
You practically pushed me out of the door,
I didn't even say goodbye to anybody,
- you didn't say goodbye to anybody.
- Yeah, I don't do goodbyes.
I actually had quite good fun in there.
It was all right.
I liked your friends.
It was quite nice being around gay people.
- Oh, don't do it.
- Don't do what?
- I know what you're gonna say.
- What?
You're gonna say, "Oh, it's nice being around
people of my own kind, my own people",
"they think the same as me, we
talk about all the same things,
"we've got the same things in common."
But it's just not like that, you know?
(Beeping)
(Woman's voice) This is David Lane.
- Essentially they're all just idiots.
- This tram is for Phoenix Park.
- Except they dance a lot more.
The next stop is Highbury Vale.
So what do you think of Gill?
- Yeah, she was nice. (Snorts)
You're such a fucking liar.
Ah, it's nothing.
I wouldn't want anybody...
- talking badly about my mates.
- What is it?
- Honestly, it's nothing.
- Fucking spit it out.
I don't know, Glen. I just...
She's not very supportive, you
know, or understanding about...
And this is only from what I've
spoken to her about, but I didn't...
She just wasn't very supportive and
that's what you want, isn't it,
you want your mates to be understanding
and to support your ideas and...
- I don't know.
- What the fuck did she say?
She didn't say anything,
she didn't say anything.
It was just...
It was just an impression I got.
Anyway, it's none of my business to start
talking about that kind of stuff, is it?
I can't wait to get the fuck
out of here, to be honest.
- No, you don't mean that.
- I do.
Maybe I don't.
Just my friends -
sometimes they're like...
a noose around my neck,
do you know what I mean?
No. I've got to be honest with you,
I don't really know what you mean.
It's like when you've had the same friends
for too long, they become like...
everything becomes cemented.
(Music pounding in distance,
children shouting and screaming)
- What, and that's a bad thing, is it?
- Of course it's a bad thing.
I don't want to be in fucking
concrete, thank you very much.
It's like they won't let you...
they won't let you be any version of yourself
except an old version, or the
version that they want you to be.
- I hope that's not true.
- You know it's true.
Who wants to know
they're in the shit?
If they see you trying to crawl out,
they're very happy to drag you back in.
Oh, and that's what you're
trying to do, is it?
You're trying to drag yourself
out of the shit! (Chuckles)
I'm trying to...
redraw myself.
- Of course. You being the artist that you are.
- Exactly, exactly.
But everyone keeps fucking
hiding my pencil.
(Laughs)
(Man calling out over speakers, children
shouting and screaming in background)
(Laughs)
Hiya, can we get
two cars, please?
- Have you got three quid?
- Yep.
There we go.
- I'm gonna kill you.
- Oh-ho-ho, are you sure about that?
There you go.
Thank you.
(Dance music pounding)
(Man) Scream if you
wanna go faster!
(Both laughing)
(Russell screams)
(Glen) Fuck you!
Remember, this was pre-internet
so, you know, it was, like,
there wasn't any "straight boy
goes gay for pay" websites
or stick-a-monster-cock-
up-your-arse-and-ear. Com.
But my mum had this VHS
of A Room With A View.
- Have you seen it?
- Yeah. I think I have.
Is that the one with
all the poshies
- in all the houses and stuff?
- Yeah.
Well, they've got that, but also they've got
this scene where all the boys go running
- naked round the lake.
- Oh, I see.
And I'd frozen the video just on the moment
when you could see Rupert Graves' cock
and you know what it's like when
you pause video, it's shuddering.
Yeah.
And I was tanking away
and there it was,
and I spaffed up a huge
spiderweb of juvenile semen...
(Laughs) ...just as
my mate walked in.
Oh, my God!
And he looked at me and he
looked at the TV screen
and he saw Rupert Graves'
shuddering cock and he knew.
- What did he say?
- He called me a faggot, he called me a queer.
But the weird thing was, in that moment, I
could see myself through his eyes, you know?
I could see what I looked like.
And you know what?
- You didn't care?
- I didn't care. Exactly.
I thought, if he wants to see me as some
horny little faggotty, angry child,
then that's fine with me,
doesn't make any difference.
- Are you still friends with him?
- Nah.
I wasn't friends with anyone else
after he told the rest of the school.
That's awful, Glen.
It is what it is.
(Men shouting
aggressively in distance)
(Distant siren,
traffic rumbling)
(Snorting, laughing)
- Shall we have another little cheeky one?
- Yeah.
(Russell sighs)
(Glen snorts and giggles)
- Oh, Glen, Glen, Glen!
- Whoo! I'm just breaking some ice!
- You haven't met my neighbours, they're nuts.
- I'm breaking the ice with your neighbours.
- Frankie upstairs will be going nuts, dying.
(Music on, muffled)
There's something I
didn't tell you today.
Do you have a boyfriend?
- Yeah, that's exactly it. I've got a boyfriend.
- Oh, fuck me!
No.
- No, you know your tape thing?
- Yeah.
I've got something
kind of similar.
Really? What do you mean?
Well, obviously mine's private
and not public like yours.
- Why am I telling you this?
- Well, then why do you do it?
I don't know, just do.
He was good-looking and
normal, which was nice.
(Music playing quietly)
- He's not too camp.
On the third date he told me that
when he came out to his parents,
they refused to
ever talk about it.
He said he didn't care but
it was obvious he did.
Then to stop us talking about
it, he sang me a song.
(Wheezes, laughs) Fucking hell!
Dickhead!
I was mortified, and I wanted
Jamie to be there listening to it
because I'm sure he would
have found it funny.
And I knew that I could never see him
again, but I stayed that night anyway...
- Aww... because I didn't
want him to feel bad.
Samaritan.
Did you tell Jamie about it?
- Shut up!
- And you send it to the back of my throat.
Ready? Come on.
- It's quite sexy.
- OK.
Beautiful. Good start.
Do you want to have a go?
Let's make it happen, come on.
One, two, three.
Isn't that amazing?
I followed him around
the sauna for a while,
and I was so nervous that I wasn't sure
I'd even be able to get an erection.
We went into the cabin
but he wouldn't kiss me.
All he wanted to do was suck me off
and get me to come in his mouth,
which I did, but he wouldn't let me touch
him or anything, and then he left.
And I saw him later as I was
getting changed and he ignored me.
And it was then that I noticed
he had a wedding ring on.
I felt bad and weird - bad for
me but also for his wife...
and I wondered if when he
got home and he kissed her
she could smell me on him,
and I wondered if the
kids were waiting for
him in their bedrooms,
wanting to say good night
to their dad, but...
he was late because he was
sucking me off in the sauna.
So.
What?
I met this guy who was nice.
I've called him Paul Smith,
but that wasn't his name because
I can't remember his name,
but it was the aftershave
he was wearing.
He had a really nice
flat near the cemetery
and I think he worked in design.
He told me his parents were fine about him
being gay, which must have been good,
and he had photos of
them on his wall.
He asked if he could fuck me, I
told him I'd never done it before
and that he needed
to be careful.
I can remember being paranoid
about the condom coming off
and me getting AIDS and everybody
would think I was scum.
He wouldn't give me his number
because he said he had a boyfriend.
On the bus I felt so
ashamed and shitty.
When I got back I puked up and
spent the rest of the day in bed
thinking about all
kinds of stuff.
(Sniffs)
Have I freaked you out?
No, it's just enough now.
I have, haven't I? I've freaked you out, I've
freaked you out. Do you think I'm a freak?
You are a freak, but
that's all right.
What did this guy look like?
Why?
Just because.
I don't know, he had blond hair.
Did he look kind of Swedish?
- I suppose. (Sniffs)
(Glen snorting)
He'd have fucking loved this.
Who?
His name was John
though, not Paul.
Who's John?
You're a terrible
liar for a faggot.
I knew Gill couldn't
keep her mouth shut.
I didn't ask her anything.
She...
Fuck it.
It doesn't matter.
(Glen) Look, straight
people like us as long as
we conform, we behave
by their little rules.
Imagine your friends,
if you suddenly started
getting all really political
about being a fag
or you got suddenly like camp and swishy
or talked about rimming all the time.
(Russell) Yeah, but that's not what
I'm like, is it? That's not who I am.
(Glen) Well, trust me they like it, as long
as we don't shove it down their throats.
(Russell) OK, well, why should I
just shove it down their throats?
Because they shove it down our throats
all the time, being straight...
straight story lines on
television, everywhere,
in books, on billboards,
magazines, everywhere.
But, oh, the gays, the gays...
(Gasps) We mustn't upset the straights!
Shh, watch out, the
straights are coming.
Let's not upset them, let's
hide in our little ghettos,
let's not hold hands, let's
not kiss in the street, no.
We have the chance to
make up our own shit,
we can grow our own garden and
put little flowers and pansies
and gay gnomes in it and water
features and water sports and slings,
but no, everybody wants to concrete the
fucker over and get a gas barbecue.
You're obsessed with concrete.
You're absolutely obsessed with the stuff.
But why would you want concrete when
you can have whatever you want?
I'm not saying people shouldn't
forge relationships,
all I'm saying is that we don't
need someone to sanction it,
- to make it legitimate, to make us respectable.
- Yeah, heaven forbid.
And don't tell me that people
get married because of love.
People get married for the same reason
that they buy a house or buy a dog,
to tie them down so that they go, "Oh, no,
we couldn't possibly go away this weekend."
"Who'd look after Buster?
Couldn't possibly leave Buster alone."
- Glen, maybe sometimes people just like dogs.
- And it's not even proper marriage anyway.
In America they went out on the
streets and fought for equal rights,
and over here people are
too busy on fucking Grindr
or shaving their arses to be able to do anything.
Where's their fight?
It's a fight, isn't it, for something
that you don't believe in.
- That's not the point.
- Well, it is, it is, kind of.
A man standing up
with another man,
in front of everyone saying that, "I
love you and I want to get married,"
I think that's a pretty
fucking radical statement.
I mean, standing up and saying, "I want
to spend the rest of my life with you,"
when everybody's looking
at them, saying...
that it's wrong, it's
disgusting, it's sick.
I mean, people say that we should go to
hell for this - fucking go to fucking hell,
I mean, why do people fucking say
that, do you know what I mean?
So, actually, standing up and saying,
"You know what, I love you,"
"and fuck you and fuck you, I don't give a
fuck what you fucking think, I don't care."
- That is pretty fucking amazing.
- But why do people have to feed into the system?
Oh, my God, now you sound like
a fucking teenager, Glen.
I mean, earlier, you asked me
if I thought that people got married
because they love each other.
- Yeah?
- Right, OK,
well, maybe they
do, maybe they do.
And, yeah, maybe...
fucking maybe it is stupid,
and maybe they will get divorced
and all that kind of shit,
but fucking who cares?
Why does it bother
you so much, Glen?
Why does it bother you that maybe
two people fucking love each other
and they want to get married
and they want a relationship
and they just want to be happy?
Do you want another line?
Why do you think it's gonna
be so different in America?
Because it will be.
- Have you ever been properly alone?
- Of course I have.
I mean properly. Alone.
Sat in a hotel room in Portland all
by yourself, no friends, alone.
- Yes.
- I don't believe you. I don't believe you.
In a week you're gonna
go completely mental.
Of course you are, because
you're gonna have no friends,
and you're gonna compromise because that
is what people do, they compromise,
because nobody, fucking...
fucking nobody,
nobody can deal with
being by themselves.
I don't want to compromise.
There you go again.
You're condescending me, it's like
you're always fucking attacking me!
- I'm not attacking you.
- You fucking are!
I mean, it's like you want
everybody to think independently,
but you want everyone to
fucking agree with you.
I mean...
why can't you just understand that
some people just want to be happy?
(Glen) Are you happy?
I'm fine.
You know what, yeah, things
could be fucking better.
Easier.
But I am absolutely fine.
Sure you are.
- Don't you fucking dare.
(Glen sighs)
- Don't you fucking dare presume...
- Calm down.
...that you understand me.
You think just because I can't...
You think just because I can't
walk around the fucking streets
holding hands or talking to my mates about
fucking sucking cocks, that you know me.
- No, I don't.
- I can see it in your eyes, Glen,
I can see it, that you think...
(Sighs)
...you think I'm a fucking idiot
because I want a fucking relationship.
- Did I say that?
- But the thing is, Glen...
the thing is, Glen, I think
that you want one too.
I think you would make
an amazing boyfriend.
That's not what I'm f...
That's not what I'm saying.
- I don't...
- It's not about me. Fuck me.
I don't want one.
I don't believe you.
I don't believe you.
John has fucked you
up, because...
Let's stop this now before we go
somewhere that we don't want it to go.
...because he's cheated on you...
- You don't know nothing about me and John.
You don't know nothing about how I feel,
about whether he cheated on me or not.
And, for the record, I don't give
a shit that he cheated on me.
I give a shit that he was a
fucking liar and a faggot
and he couldn't stand
up for himself.
Couldn't stand up for...
Glen, he was beaten up in a fucking park...
- Look, look, look.
...because he was gay!
Maybe if it's easier if I tell you
that I'm brokenhearted, but I'm not.
I don't want...
I can't have a
boyfriend right now.
And that's all there
is to say about it.
Now, I really don't want
us to fall out about this.
Really, I don't.
I need to go to the toilet.
I think I need to
go to the toilet.
(Door locks)
Oh, fuck.
(Breathing deeply)
(Music playing, muffled)
(John Grant: TC And Honeybear)
Before that Honeybear
had given up
He felt so sad and lonely
Then one night he
looked up and he saw
He saw his one and only...
(Glen) I thought I
heard a firework.
(Russell) It's probably
just some kids.
(Glen) Probably.
(Russell) I'm really
sorry, just...
I was a dick. Sorry.
(Glen) It's all right.
Probably too much coke.
(Russell) Yeah.
(Glen) Blame it on the drugs,
I always say. (Chuckles)
(Russell) Talking of drugs,
this is my secret
reserve of master kush.
Would you like some?
(Glen) Thank you.
(Glen) Swap?
Thank you.
(Glen grunts)
(Sighs)
I think... Stop. I'm gonna come.
(Glen) Shhh.
(Russell) You know, when I'm...
when I'm at home I'm absolutely fine.
Fine?
Yeah.
Completely.
I don't...
I don't care and I don't
even think about it.
I just...
I'm not embarrassed, I'm not...
I'm not ashamed, and I don't...
I don't want to be straight.
You know, not now anyway.
I'm happy. I'm happy being gay.
But?
It's when I go outside,
like, you know, just
to Jamie's or...
or to Tesco's or to work. It...
It kind of...
It's hard to explain,
but it... (Chuckles)
...it kind of feels like
I've got indigestion.
It actually feels exactly
like indigestion.
And...
it just makes me angry,
you know, that I feel
like that because...
because it's so
fucking pathetic.
You know, I'm a grown man,
and I look at you, and...
and I see you and you can
do it and you're amazing.
I just don't understand
why I can't.
(Glen) You know your log thing?
(Russell) Yeah.
You're right about
people coming out
and what their parents
say and stuff.
Yeah?
I just wondered why.
Erm...
it interests me.
It's like, erm...
everyone's got their story,
haven't they, it's like a...
gay rite of passage.
But you don't.
I suppose, yeah.
That's what I thought.
Do you ever think about
finding your parents?
No. Not really.
Why not?
Er...
I don't really see the point.
You know, I don't think
it would change anything.
Why don't I...
pretend to be your dad...
(Chuckles) ...and you
can come out to me?
That is so weird.
Just ignore the fact
we just had sex.
I don't think I can ignore
the fact we just had sex.
Try.
OK.
Dad?
I've got something that
I need to tell you.
What's that?
I'm gay.
(Glen) Hmm.
I like guys, not girls.
(Glen exhales)
Well.
You know what, son?
It doesn't matter to me.
I love you just the same.
And guess what?
What?
I couldn't be more proud of you
than if you were the
first man on the moon.
Good morning.
- I made you coffee.
- Thanks.
So what you doing today?
Erm...
I've got to go over to
Jamie's house, erm...
there's a party, it's my
goddaughter's birthday, so...
- You're a godfather?
- Yeah.
You're not religious, are you?
No. They just asked me.
That's very nice, thank you.
Erm...
What time's your train today?
Why?
No reason.
Are you going to come and sing
to me, or beg me to stay?
No, I don't think so, no.
It's about...
- Glen...
- Shhh.
(Dog barking, birds chirping)
(Dog barking)
- Hiya!
- Hiya.
- You made it, I'm made up.
(Children chattering)
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, yeah.
Come in, then.
- You stink of booze!
- Do I?
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
- Did you have a session last night?
- Didn't Jamie say anything to you?
- No. (Jamie) Who wants
to play Twister?
Right, look who's here, everyone!
Look who's here!
Hey, all right, mate?
- Hiya, mate.
- All right?
Yeah, yeah.
Where's the girl, then?
Lois, look!
Hey! Gaps! All right, missus?
Happy birthday to you
- Go on, take it, then.
- What do you say?
(Man) If the Commando stands at
(Cathy) Oh, it's too complicated,
let's do it again.
(Man)...
has to count either 1 to 10 or...
(Laughter)
(Jamie) All right, that's it,
I'm not playing. (Laughter)
All right, well, come on...
(Man) What do you call a girl that
sits in the middle of a tennis court?
(Lois) I don't know.
- Annette. (Laughter, groans)
(Jamie) I've got one, I've got one,
I've got one. What goes "Ooh"?
- A cow with no lips. (Laughter)
(Party chatter continues)
What's going on?
Nothing.
Nothing's going on.
Well, there obviously is.
Are you going to tell me about it or what?
(Sighs)
No. I feel... It feels weird talking
to you about it, I don't know. Sorry.
Weird?
We're best mates, we talk about
all kinds of stuff. Come on.
Yeah, but we don't talk about this kind
of stuff, do we, that's not what we do.
I've never spoken to you
about this kind of stuff.
Yeah, I know.
I don't know, Jamie, I
don't know, it's...
it's stupid really.
I mean...
this guy I've met,
Glen, you know,
I met him two days ago, he doesn't
know me, I don't know him,
and he...
I met him, like, two days
ago, two days is nothing.
I don't know, I just feel a
bit of a twat, that's all.
I think it's just cos I'm hung over
and tired and he's going away and...
Well, you'll be able to see him
when he gets back, won't you?
No, no, I won't, because
he's not coming back.
He's moving to America, so...
that's it.
Well, what time's he leaving?
Doesn't matter.
No, come on, what
time's he leaving?
I can run you in the car.
What about the cake?
Don't worry about
the fucking cake.
- Cathy will go nuts.
- So?
Lois is going to want
you around, isn't she?
I want to be here for Lois,
it's my goddaughter's birthday.
I'll be half an hour.
Come on, I'll run
you in the car.
(Echoing train announcements)
(Woman over PA) 24-hour CCTV recording
is in operation at this station.
- I fucking knew you'd come.
(Laughs) Did you?
Such a goddamn romantic.
Looks like it, eh?
So is this our
Notting Hill moment?
You know, I've never
seen it, ever.
Neither have I, but I imagine
there's a declaration of love
- and everybody applauds.
(Laughs) Yeah!
Do you reckon that's what
would happen with us?
Might do. Could give it a go.
They'd either clap or
throw us under a train.
(Russell) I'm...
(Woman) 24-hour CCTV recording
is in operation at this station.
I want you to know I'm not
here to stop you from going.
- Please be quiet. Shut up!
- No, no, no.
I just want to...
I just want to...
I just want you to know that...
(Glen, sighing) Oh, fuck.
You're a bastard for coming down here.
Fuck me.
(Glen sighs)
(Glen sobbing)
I don't know what
the fuck I'm doing.
You'll be great.
- You'll have the most amazing time.
(Sighs) Fuck's sake.
Fuck.
(Wolf-whistle)
(Boy) Fucking gay boys!
(2nd boy) Gay boys!
I've got something for you.
Ignore them.
I couldn't remember
your surname.
(Train announcement)
Right, I've got to go.
(Russell on tape) Erm...
I... I don't know.
I can hardly remember anything.
(Glen) Just start from the
beginning, when you first saw me.
(John Grant: Marz)
Bittersweet strawberry,
marshmallow, butterscotch
Polar bear, cashew, dixieland,
phosphate, chocolate
Lime, tuttifrutti, special
raspberry, leave it to me
Three grace, Scotch lassie,
cherry smash, lemon freeze
I wanna go to Marz
Where green rivers flow
And your sweet sixteen is
waiting for you after the show
I wanna go to Marz
You'll meet the Gold
Dust Twins tonight
You'll get your heart's desire
I will meet you
under the lights
Golden champagne, juicy
grapefruit, lucky Monday
High-school football, hot
fudge, Buffalo, tulip sundae
Almond caramel frapp,
pineapple, root beer
Black and white, Big Apple, Henry
Ford, sweetheart, maple tear
I wanna go to Marz
Where green rivers flow
And your sweet sixteen is
waiting for you after the show
I wanna go to Marz
You'll meet the Gold
Dust Twins tonight
You'll get your heart's desire
I will meet you
under the lights...