Weirdsville (2007)

Struggle, struggle,
struggle
Struggle all day long
Struggle, struggle,
struggle
Struggle all day long
Get up in the morning
and try to keep on
Slow down!
This is it.
Fucking tree.
All right, so...
Yeah, man.
What are you doing?
Taking care
of business, man.
Back, back, back.
Okay, hold on.
Nice.
Kick it in.
You kick it in.
You're stronger.
You're stupider.
You won't feel the pain.
I'm not crawling through that
and cutting myself to shit.
I'm going to reach in
and unlock it, ass hammer.
Now help me find something
to break it with.
Yeah, man.
Yeah, man.
Ready?
What were you doing?
He's going to cut off
our thumbs.
I'm s--
Are you serious?
Yes!
He's not going
to cut our thumbs off.
Oh, no?
No.
Garry...
Okay, look, I did not say,
"Kick him in the shins, " did I?
No. I said,
"Break his leg. "
That means you take
a sledgehammer
and you hit him
right above the knee
until you hear a sound,
and that sound is like
a rifle going off--
Crack! Okay?
If he continues
to fuck with this,
you tell him I will go
over there personally
and cut off his thumbs.
Fuck!
Do you understand that?
Do you?
Leggy breaky, go.
Hey, Omar.
What's up, Oms?
Got problems?
Mmm. First of all,
my problems are none
of your business.
Second, what's with
this Oms shit?
It's not my name.
My name is Omar.
It should be easy
for you to remember.
Omar. As in you owe me,
Owe-mar, money, huh?
What you want me
to call you?
Ro? And De?|
Fuck!
You got a lighter?
I can work with Ro.
There you go.
Anyways, what is your business
is the 1, 700 you owe me.
Omar, it's actually--
But you can't pay.
Lucky for you, you're about
to be gainfully employed.
What?
Oh!
Yeah.
What, you forgot
to tell him?
I didn't tell him yet.
Royce and I had a talk
about your situation.
I suggested he turn out
that hooker friend of his.
Yeah, she's not a hooker.
Yeah, right.
Anyway,
Royce had an idea.
Woo! This is brilliant!
Absolutely brilliant!
You guys are both nuts.
Yeah, because you didn't
think of it, Dexter.
Yeah, it never occurred
to me to push drugs
to pay off my debt
to a drug pusher.
Aw, man, you've been
a drug puller for so long,
it's time
you start pushing!
What if we don't
cover what we owe?
This is drugs, man.
You give 'em a little,
they come crawling back.
It's like shooting fish
in a river.
It's barrel.
Shooting fish in a barrel.
And that's exactly why
I don't want to do this.
I know, but you're not
doing this to pay back Omar.
You're doing this
to buy time.
For what?
I'll show you.
You know
whose house that is?
I'm going to say
the mayor's.
It's Jason and Irene
Taylor's house.
Bingo.
Who is that?
Don't you read?
No, he doesn't read.
They're rich people.
Here? How?
Off the internet.
So, Mattie...
why exactly are we looking
at Jason Taylor's house?
There's a safe in there.
A safe?
A safe.
And get this.
The guy cracked his head open.
So he's on life support
at Rockwell
and his wife
won't leave his side.
So they're not going
to be home for weeks.
And I know the combo.
You know the combo?
You know the combo?
Oh, yeah!
How do you know
the combo?
Yeah, how do you know
the combo?
Oh, whoa... okay.
What?
You were working
in there.
Mattie.
Turning tricks
for this guy Taylor?
I'm sorry, but I'm not
a streetwalker.
I don't turn tricks.
I go on business dates.
We had an agreement.
Screw the stupid agreement.
You know my heart
belongs to you boys.
You know I hate
to shatter this touching
yet troubling moment,
but...
why would a millionaire
keep his money at home?
He's a hippie,
and I guess hippies
don't believe in banks.
Hippies don't
believe in banks?
No.
His bad.
Stupid.
Do we really need
to start a crime wave
to pay back 1, 700 bucks?
It's not a crime wave.
It's a crime...
Ripple.
Ripple.
You guys are out
of your minds.
You know
what your problem is?
You have no ambition.
Last night
out in the dark
I was watching
werewolves in the park
Stoned, uh uh-uh-uh
I used to run
with that pack
Till they my broke my balls
and cracked my jack
Stoned, uh uh-uh-uh
Drug love
Just like the words
from an old love letter
The scars I wear
aren't that much better
When I'm stoned
Uh uh-uh-uh
Easy's how
it used to feel
Like grease around
the driving wheel
Stoned, uh uh-uh-uh
These are the days
worth living
Let them all bleed down
Everything's forgiven
Uh uh-uh-uh
Uh uh-uh-uh
Yeah?
Hey.
What?
She what?
Okay, I'm coming.
I'm coming.
What's going on, man?
She's dead.
What do you mean she's dead?
I mean she's not alive, man.
She's...
Okay, look, I passed out
and then I came...
back in here
and she was dead.
Does she have a pulse?
No, she doesn't have--
Did you check?
Of course I checked.
We need to call
a fucking ambulance.
No, no, no, no.
Hey, hey, hey!
If you call an ambulance,
then people are going
to come around
asking questions,
and those questions
are going to be,
"Where did she get
those drugs, man?"
Why... did you call me?
What else was I supposed
to do, man?
Help me get her to her feet.
Come on, kid.
Come on, kid.
All right.
Help me wake her fu--
Wake up.
Wake up, Mattie.
Get up, kiddo.
Walk her, man.
Walk her.
Fuck!
Sorry, man.
I'm sorry.
I can't do that.
Oh...
How long you been
in here, man?
A week.
Where you been?
She dip into Omar's junk?
She didn't know
what she was doing, man.
Right, she accidentally
bogeyed Omar's stash.
You want a hit, man?
You look like
you could use one.
No.
You sure?
It's not exactly going
to help, is it, Royce?
Look, I'm going
to take a hit,
and I'm going to figure out
what to do with her.
Oh, Mattie,
what are you doing?
What are you doing?
No, it's not my fault
Can't you just
play along with me?
We gotta get rid of her.
How do you suppose
we do that?
Well, first-- Okay?
First, I thought
that we'd take her
back to her place
and we'd put her in her bed
like she died in her sleep.
And I thought, no,
maybe the-- the police,
they could trace it back
with some carpet fiber
from my place.
You don't have carpet.
And then it hit me, man.
The drugs?
The drive-in.
You want to take her
to a movie?
No, man, the drive-in,
the one I worked at
last summer!
The drive-in's closed, man.
I know!
That's the whole point!
The point of what?
If this was you
asking for help,
I'd be there
for you, right?
Where?
Here.
I-- I don't know
what you mean.
You know what I mean.
I don't know what you mean!
You know what I mean!
I don't know what you mean.
Hey! Hey!
I did not kill her!
I didn't do it!
We just tried all our shit
and we were having a good time!
She was laughing!
And we were recording shit.
Lower your voice, please.
We're going to
figure this out, okay?
Keys.
Gotta get the car keys.
I'm not so sure about her
in a hockey bag.
Let's go!
Hang on, man.
It's in the basement
of the concession
building, right?
Yeah.
Nobody knows about it.
Careful.
You sure no one's
going to be out there?
Well, maybe Abe goes
to check things out
every once in a while,
but he's not going to go there
this time of night.
What do you mean,
Abel Vinton?
Yeah, yeah.
You know him?
Remember him?
He fired me for smoking
a joint at work?
Yeah.
Yeah, and then,
in high school
he thought he was king
of the head-bangers?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Then he comes back
after grade 11,
he's done a total 360.
By the way, it's a 180.
Huh?
all the way back around
and ended up
back where he started.
He did.
He went back to school.
You sure no one's
going to see the car?
Oh come on, man,
only an idiot
would be out here
on a night like this.
Turn left.
This place have power?
Yeah, for the alarm.
Oh, shit.
Maybe it's 360.
Oh, yeah.
Not!
How about that for 360?
Do you get the feeling
the drugs are starting
to make you slow?
Man, I was on
a quiz show once,
you know.
If I'm so slow, how'd I get
on a quiz show? Ow.
You were on a quiz show?
Yeah, man.
Quiz Time on channel 6.
You mean in junior high?
Yeah, me and my brother.
We won 50 bucks
and an Atari.
That's impressive.
I didn't see your
college drop-out ass
on Quiz Time, did I?
No, you-- No, no.
No, you didn't.
Hang on a sec?
Hurry up, man.
Here.
Right here.
Notwithstanding your triumph
on Quiz Time 300 years ago,
I still think
the drugs are starting
to make you stupid.
I'm sorry,
not stupid... slow.
What are you
lecturing me for?
Remember last year?
You wrote to Tetley
to pitch the idea
of Ciga-tea?
Yeah, man,
tea with nicotine in it.
That's--
That's brilliant.
Your product sample
was a tea bag
filled with pipe tobacco.
Premium tobacco, baby.
Well, what about the time
you wrote to Kraft
with a proposal
for sprayable mayonnaise?
Sprayonaise.
I rest my case.
Todd.
I know you speak English,
but do you understand English?
Yeah.
Perhaps I wasn't clear
on how you should dress.
You basically said
I gotta dress
like my old man.
Okay.
Appearance is a very important
part of our code.
Never forget that.
I didn't know the code.
Shh...
Shh, I told you the code.
I'm going to let it pass
this time, but next time...
Okay.
Wow.
Follow me, children.
Goa-ta-se.
It's "Goatse, " man.
Who can't read now?
Keep digging, man.
Whenever they find a body,
the paper says they found it
in a shallow grave.
We've gotta
make this deep.
No.
I can't, man.
This is not some dead body.
It's Mattie.
You want to go to jail?
I don't want to go to jail.
Matilda doesn't want us
to go to jail!
She deserves
better than this.
I'm going to the can.
Fucking bullshit.
What's the cup for?
It's a goblet.
And you'll see.
Let us begin.
Todd Kranshaw,
are you willing
to renounce all loyalty
to God and Jesus Christ?
Yeah, man.
Do you swear allegiance
to the Prince of Darkness?
I do.
It's "I swear", Todd,
not "I do. "
You're not getting married.
I swear!
Nice.
Okay.
You can kneel down now, Todd.
I'm going to go
warm up the car.
We've gotta take her
to the hospital, man.
We're not going to bury her
like she never existed.
Fuck.
--as your story unfolds
From your eyes to mine
I can see
A blue wave run
And blue heat
from your heart
Like nothing in the sun
Okay.
I call upon
the darkest of angels
to anoint the blood
of our new brother
and reveal to him
the unholy covenant
of our Lord Lucifer!
Hey, what are you doing?
Let me go!
Let me go!
What the fuck
are you guys doing?
Throw me the key!
It's just
an amateur theatrical!
Ugh!
Which key is it?
The gold one.
Hey!
We gotta get outta here.
Someone's upstairs.
Come on, we gotta go.
Shit! Is there another
way out of here?
Uh... it's over there.
Hello?
Is there anyone
down here?
This is all just
a misunderstanding.
Shit.
All right, man.
Come on!
Whoa!
Hey!
Whoa!
Come on!
Hey, hey!
What?
We gotta go.
What about Mattie?
They won't find her!
We'll come back for her!
Who won't find her?
I think he means us.
Okay, guys, hey.
Royce?
Royce Gordon.
Abe. Hey, man!
Abe?
Abe!
Abe!
Look, man, we had to take--
I know I did--
had to take a piss
and I had a key, so...
So you thought
while you're here,
you'll bury a dead hooker.
She's not a hooker.
Zzzt zzzt.
Wow, a little skinnier,
but that is Dexter Ryan.
Abe.
I got an idea.
Wow.
Let's forget we saw each other
and go our separate ways.
What do you think
about that?
That's a great idea.
You know what?
And we could do it
for old times sake.
What old times?
I fired you
for smoking drugs.
We were all doing something
we shouldn't have been doing.
Yes.
Dexter, what shouldn't you
have been doing to that girl?
Aw, she overdosed.
She overdosed.
Surprise!
Yeah.
We were going to bury her,
but we changed our minds.
Yeah, we weren't going
to bury her anymore.
Not going to happen.
What are you?
Are you, like,
Satan worshippers?
Hey, hey, zip, zip. Zip.
You are not worthy
to utter his name.
But, yes, we do bask
in the light of the Dark Lord.
You are not men!
You are servo-mechanisms
to addiction.
No better
than automatons.
This is true.
I would be
doing you a favor
if I ended
your sad little lives.
Actually, we're good.
We're good, right?
We're great, man.
You know what?
We're going to go this way--
Hey! Hey!
Wait! Back off,
both of you!
Especially you, sister!
You freak me out!
I do not want
to go crazy up in here!
She's kind of pretty.
Mmm, delicious.
Shame she's dead.
Four bodies instead of one.
None of them
will be missed.
Let's continue.
We'll do it right here.
It's getting late.
O Dark Lord,
accept our sacrifice
and infuse this blood
with all the power of hell!
Watch it!
Sorry.
Oh, my God.
Bite your tongue!
Sorry.
Satan has made her live!
Ave Satanas!
All hail Satan!
All hail Satan!
You asshole!
Ow!
Ow!
Get her!
Ahhh!
Hey!
Fucking idiot!
Calm down, sweetness!
We won't hurt you!
You're very fast!
You have
a beautiful stride!
You're very, very pretty!
No!
Get her!
Oh!
Matilda!
Mattie!
Satan?
More cardio!
Go, go, go!
Go!
Go, go, go, go
go, go!
Whoa!
Well played.
Nothing like a good shovel
to stop a car.
Here, get this on Mattie.
Put it on your legs.
Were we in hell?
No. We were
at the drive-in.
Is she okay?
I don't know, man.
She's passing out.
Shit.
There's been a problem.
I need you to take the van
and go to the hospital.
I don't care if your mom
wants you to plow the driveway!
This is Lucifer's will!
No, don't tell her that!
You're an idiot!
Todd's blood
is useless now!
The power contained in it
is now inside that girl!
Can't we just
take Todd's blood
and do the ceremony again?
No, Seamus.
Okay, once the power's
out of the blood,
it's out of all the blood!
That's how fucking
sangre sacrementus works.
That doesn't seem
very exact, does it?
You-- Just shut up
and get Todd into the freezer!
What?
I forgot the key.
What are we supposed
to do, huh?
Stick him
in the meat grinder?
Excuse me, um, sir!
Shut up!
Abel.
Abel!
Seamus forgot
the freezer key!
Here's Royce's address.
Put Todd in the hole
those two imbeciles dug.
Let's go find the girl.
Do you think you can
handle that?
Just-- Can you not
hold him like that?
Jesus Christ!
You know what?
Watch your mouth,
little missy!
I know!
I know, okay?
I've had enough.
I'll wash your mouth out
with soap!
Can't you help me carry him?
Just shut up!
Okay.
Okay.
Sorry.|
God, that was
a Goddamn miracle
how those weirdos
brought her the fuck
back to life!
She wasn't dead, man.
Yo, she had no pulse.
She had no pulse.
No.
Have you ever, in your life,
taken someone's pulse?
No.
Me, neither.
And I'm telling you,
those psychos didn't raise
anyone from anything.
Man, I know what I saw.
I know what I'm seeing now.
Wha--
What's, uh...
What's going on
with your gack?
You want it?
Yeah.
Why?
I quit.
Shut up.
No, I mean, I mean it.
Shut up.
I'm serious.
Shut up.
You shut up.
Shut up!
You shut up.
Shut-up.
No, seriously, please.
I mean it.
I kicked.
Where do you think
I was all week?
You okay?
Fuck it, fuck it,
fuck it.
We should call the cops,
all right?
Not from here!
No?
They could trace it.
That is some CSI shit!
Yup.
Always on our asses!
Those bastards!
Where the fuck is my dope?
I swear, I'll cut off
their thumbs!
I'll cut off their thumbs!
How was it?
You know, kicking?
Oh, dear...
It was like puking rusty gears
and shitting razor blades.
Ew, man.
Yeah.
So you really are--
You kicked for good, huh?
Well, I'd twist off
a puppy's head
for a taste right now,
but yeah, I'm kicked.
Shit.
Hey, good evening, lads.
I don't think
I introduced you
to my friend Garry.
Oof!
Oh!
Ooh!
I don't blame you, Dex.
You're the quiet,
introspective one.
Royce, sadly,
is the idea man.
Listen--
Shut up.
I just got back
from your apartment.
Now, correct me
if I'm wrong,
but it seems to me
like someone had
one hell of a party
in there.
I can explain.
Shut up, Royce!
I'm talking now!
Look at you two, hmm?
You ever heard
of a fucking shower?
You know what
your problem is?
You are a disgrace
to this country.
In Canada, you can have
anything you want
if you're willing
to work for it.
You two couldn't
hold down a fucking job
if you were tied to it!
So, this is what I want.
I want the 1, 700
you owe me in cash,
plus the cash value
of the drugs
I kindly entrusted you.
That's fair.
Plus $600 bullshit tax.
Or you can forgo the tax
and, uh, Garry here
can drop this stone
on your face.
Which is it?
Bullshit tax!
Bullshit tax.
Good choice!
Add it up for them, Garry.
in cash, by last call.
Oh, man.
"Oh, man. "
Fucking, "Oh, man.
Oh, fucking man".
Okay.
You're right. Okay?
I'll be there
after my game.
We're curling tonight.
He's my skip.
Let's go.
Playoffs tonight.
You know what, Garry, fuck it.
Yeah, let's show them.
Throw the stone.
Hey, hey, hey!|
Take it easy!|
Come on.
You and Mattie blow through
that whole stash?
Huh?
Did you and Mattie
blow through
that whole stash?
No, dude, of course
I saved some.
You know she's a hog.
Give it to me.
Oh, come on, man.
Just... give it to me.
Don't do it, Dex.
Come on, man.
You were just talking about
how hard it was to kick, dude.
Fuck.
Hey, Dex.
Hey, Mattie.
How you feeling?
Huh.
I think I was dead.
Yeah.
I saw my mom.
She was so sad.
She showed me hell.
It was so fucked up, Dex.
This voice
as big as the sky went...
"Matilda. "
Oh, Mattie,
what are you doing?
What are you doing?
No, seriously.
What am I doing?
What are you doing, Dex?
I'm sorry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who isn't?
You still going
to call the cops?
Nope.
Where are we going?
We got work to do.
I have been
Terrified
By the thought
of losing you
So very terrified
By the thought
of losing you
I've been petrified
Hey, man, look.
This tree's still
got a leaf on it.
Yeah.
It's nice.
Shall we?
Opa!
O-- Okay!
Was that completely
necessary?
Don't be a dick.
Where does
the other one live?
I don't know.
Why don't you check
the Yellow Pages
under "junkies"?
Hey, take it easy!
What's the big deal?
We're robbing
these people.
Let's not add insult
to injury.
Keep it dark, please,
just in case.
Yes, master... bater.
Hey, listen to this.
"Though Taylor's I. P. O.
has scored him millions,
"his true passion
is the New Age Center
he started after settling
in Weedsville in 1977. "
What a crazy fuck.
Hey, man,
I know this place.
Yeah, I took yoga there.
You took yoga?
Yeah, man.
It enhances the high.
How'd that
work out for ya?
I got kicked out.
What for?
Sporting wood.
Listen to this.
She wrote a song.
... sayin'
you shouldn't try
I really think
you should try-yi-yi
I tried to fight it
But now I'm on my knees
It's not my fault
If I can't hold on
I'm not that strong, no!
It's not my fault...
Beautiful voice.
Maybe she'll sing for Lucifer
when she meets him.
Man, we should have gone
to my place first.
I got flashlights
and me and Matilda,
we drew up a plan.
You drew up a plan?
Do you keep it
in your evidence bag?
Yeah, bingo.
That's it.
Here?
Yeah, man,
right in there.
Shit.
Shit.
Is it locked?
I can crack
that knob, man.
Have at it,
knob-cracker.
Ready?
Yeah.
Hey!
Oh.
Oh.
All right, man,
let's get this open
before that kid wakes up.
Right.
What kid?
How'd you knock him out?
Oh, man, I hit him
with the-- that elf thing
that we broke in with.
Gnome.
Yeah, okay.
Whatever.
What is it, a leprechaun?
Gnome.
You know what I mean?
Like the...
the Smurf thing that we--
I hit the br--
hit the window with?
What Smurf?
Gnome.
What are you saying, man?
You're stoned.
You keep saying "no".
It's been a while.
It was a leprechaun.
"No. "
Elf? "No. "
What's this?
The Taylor house.
Come on.
There it is.
Yeah, there it is.
You going to open it?
Me?
Yeah, you're the one
that knows the combo.
I didn't memorize it, man.
I wrote it down.
You know, I think
you might've mentioned that
before we broke In here.
Oh, I didn't think of it.
You didn't think of it?
No.
We have a safe to crack,
the contents of which
could save our lives,
and you didn't think of it?
I know, that sucks.
Yeah, that sucks.
That sucks.
Start the night
burying a body
and it's usually
right down the hill
from there, isn't it?
Oh, that's so true.
So true.
Ow!
It's a sign.
It's gotta be a sign.
Maybe it's a coincidence.
Lucifer sent them
to the drive-in
to test our faith,
Seamus,
and now we've
been rewarded.
Three of them,
three of us,
same configuration
of men and women.
That's no coincidence.
Technically,
there were four of us
that went
to the drive-in--
Are you doubting?
No.
Doubt is the enemy
of faith, Seamus.
You had doubts
when you first started.
Seamus is going to come
to understand this.
Can you move
your seat up, please?
Can you get
in the car, please?
Shh, shh! Hello?
Good.
How does he look?
Mmm, no, no, no.
Don't meet us
at the movie theater.
Meet us at the New Age Center.
Get everything set up
and wait for us there.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay... first stair.
Go.
Good, good,
good, good, hold!
Oh!
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!
I'm okay.
Fuck!
Yeah.
Struggle, struggle,
struggle
Struggle all day long
Struggle, struggle,
struggle
Struggle all day long
Get up in the morning
and try to keep on
I got pain in my stomach,
I got pain in the chest
Pain in the eyelid,
pain in the wrist...
Stuck, huh?
Yeah, it's locked.
Oh, it's locked.
Yeah, it's... locked.
... you try to keep on
I got the devil beside me
The Lord's above reach
The preacher
right next to me
Preach, preach, preach
Struggle, struggle,
struggle
Struggle all day long
Get up in the morning
and try to keep on
What the fuck?
Jesus!
Ah...
Uh, d-don't hurt me, okay?
Please!
Shut up!
Shut up!
Take whatever you want!
Okay.
We need to get
into your basement door.
Oh, my what?
Your basement door.
Look, I'm not
into dudes, okay?
Hey, no, no,
no, no, no!
No!
What are you
talking about?
Look, just wear
a rubber, okay?
And be gentle--
We need a key for the deadbolt
on your basement door, please!
Time out!
The key!
Yeah, the key.
There's a key ring
in the kitchen.
You can try that, okay?
Water.
There you go.
Thank you.
You okay?
Well, how does it look?
How does what look?
My face!
Your face looks fine.
You look--
You look great.
Okay.
What are you
doing here anyway?
This is my uncle's house.
He'll fucking kill you, man.
What are you
talking about, man?
He killed a dude
in this bathtub
right here, okay?
He's a fucking ninja.
All right.
He's got ninja stars,
swords and shit.
All right.
He just hides them
down the back of his shirt.
You have no idea
the rain of pain
that's coming
your way, okay?
Do you mind just
shutting the fuck up
for about five minutes?
We'll be out of here.
Thank you.
Cupboard, cupboard, cupboard.
Yeah.
Sweet.
Mother of God.
Got 'em!
What's up?
Oh, f--
Uh... woo.
Well, anyway...
The man's got plans.
Oh!
Shame on you.
Each of those girls
is someone's daughter.
Yeah.
That's a good point.
Ooh... hello!
Oh, hey!
Oh, no, come on.
You definitely shouldn't
be smoking this shit.
I'm calling the cops.
Yeah, you want to wind up like
Retardo Montalbn over here?
I don't think so.
I don't smoke it
that much, okay?
Anyway, I got an idea.
Yeah?
Heck, yeah.
Just go pull the car
to the front door.
Okay.
I'm going to take care
of our little...
here, you know.
Be careful.
I got it, man.
I got it.
Me and you gotta talk.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Shit.
Days are not faint
I'm still losing it
Name a lung
Yes, I'm dry
The storybook
is still on time
Ooh!
Ooh, easy come, easy go.
Hey. Can I speak
to you for a sec?
Oh, excellent, man!
Yeah.
What are you doing?
I'm getting the kid high.
Oh, really?
Yeah, man.
I put crank in it though,
so he's not even going
to remember that we were here.
What are you, the CIA?
Of course he's going
to remember we were here.
Maybe, but he'll be
a little hazy, dude.
Dude.
Tell my buddy
about what really
happened to your uncle.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Didn't he fall
and crack his head?
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
No.
No, man, that's not
what happened.
Okay, he was walking home
from the bank, right?
Umpf.
Unh, mm.
Hmm.
Circus people.
Whoaooah...
Hey, man, you--
you got an icicle
sticking out of your head.
An elephant...
picnic...
marvel.
Whoa, whoa, back up,
back up, back up.
What was he doing at a bank?
I don't know.
Okay, that's funny.
I feel bad laughing
about it, you know,
but it's just so Ripley's.
Believe it or not,
it happened!
Fun, fun.
You having fun?
It's funny, man.
Yeah? Can we go?
Oh, yeah.
Hey, dude, you're not going
to call the cops, right?
Just leave my weed
and we're even.
No. Not leaving the weed.
But come on, man.
I'm having a girl
over later.
You got a girl coming over?
You got these tapes, man.
She's a total freak!
Yeah, man!
All right.
Hey, listen.
Okay.
I'm going to leave you
tied up, okay?
If you have to.
And, um,
I want you to have...
a great time!
Okay.
See you, kid.
See you guys.
Fuck. Guys?
Guys, it went out!
Hey, you hear that kid?
Taylor was at a bank.
What's a guy who doesn't
believe in banks
doing at a bank?
I don't know.
That was him!
Follow them!
You okay to drive?
Yeah, man,
I'm all right.
I feel goo...
You feel "goo"?
Behind us!
Fuck!
Did anyone see if the girl
was even in the car?
Uh, I only saw
two coconuts in the car.
She's the one
we really need.
Perhaps she's back
at the house.
I think you lost them.
Yeah!
Yeah.
Shit!
She's overheating.
How does a car overheat
in the winter?
Just pull over
and we'll find a place
where she can cool down.
What are we doing here,
exactly?
Well, your car
is busted and...
Yes.
... we've gotta crack
that safe open.
Yes, we do.
There's a car-full
of nut-bags after us,
so we could do something
we haven't done
in a very long time.
You want to break
into the mall.
Okay.
Yeah!
Oh, wow, hot tub.
Look at that.
You wanna stop
for a soak?
Yeah!
Whew.
Ow! What the fuck?
Fuck, you're slow.
What did Abel mean
about uh...
uh, servicing...
You mean servo-mechanisms
to addiction?
That's it.
Yeah, he meant our
only function in life
is to do drugs.
He was quoting
Marshall McLuhan,
but he was
quoting him wrong.
Wait, isn't he the guy
who started the Sex Pistols?
No, that's Malcolm McLaren.
Marshall McLuhan's
a Canadian.
Whoa, a Canuck started
the Sex Pistols?
God!
Fuck!
God, you gotta be
kidding me, oh!
She's not in the house.
Who's that?
The nephew.
Take him.
Why do I gotta do
all the lifting?
Ah.
Boys, this is
a medieval battle flail.
Ow!
Jesus.
Oh!
What the fuck
are you doing, man?
It's a practice weapon.
The real one would've
turned your head to pudding.
Ow!
Man, there are
people chasing us.
That's why
we broke in here.
We needed a place to hide.
There's a cult after us.
Did you say "cult"?
Yes, I did.
Like, the Moonies?
Sorta, but worse.
Oh, I see.
Now, you boys wouldn't
be shitting me, would you?
This is the place
where we lost them,
which means they either
went to the mall
or back into town.
They'd have to
be retarded
to go to the mall
this time of night.
The mall.
The mall.
My sister was a Moonie
back in the '80s.
It cost us four grand
to get her de-programmed.
Moonies took her for 20.
Parasites.
Did you boys escape
from those bastards?
Yes, we did.
I just spent
three days in a motel
de-programming him...
but they found us.
What about this?
It's a fucking pharmacy here.
It was the only way
I could get through
to him, sir.
You don't say.
I do say.
Your story
touches me, boys.
But if I find out
you're lying,
there'll be repercussions.
Cops?
Fuck the cops...
and their
height requirements.
I'll come after you myself.
You'll wish
I called the cops.
Here.
Thank you.
Take it easy
with that shit.
I know you got stuff
to deal with, but...
it's who you are
up here that counts.
True.
Take me for instance.
In my mind, I'm 6'4",
So, in your head
you're tall and skinny?
That's really...
That's not that big.
Boys, the point is,
you cross me,
asses get kicked.
Yes.
Names get taken.
True.
Oh, speaking of names,
do you think we could
have our IDs back?
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Shit,
that's one of 'em!
Boys, this way.
We're going
to the hydro room.
There's a grate in the floor
that leads to a drainage pipe.
It'll take you
across the highway
and into the woods.
Go, go, go, go!
Godspeed, lads.
Oh, hey, what are you
going to do?
I'm going to kick
some Moonie ass.
Okay.
He's a nice guy, eh?
Yeah, that "nice guy"
just took your 100 bucks.
I don't care, man.
You know what?
It's karma, dude.
You know what?
Fuck karma.
You're kidding me.
Shut the fuck...
What are you doing?
They're probably following
the trail of smoke.
I'm lighting this joint.
You really think
we have time to stop
and smoke a joint?
I'm stopping
to light the joint.
I'll smoke it on the way.
Don't be shitty.
Just fucking go.
Fucking tell me about
fucking lighting a joint.
Just shut up.
I'm going!
Come on, man, please?
I'm walking, man.
Look behind you.
That's so cute!
Shh! Shh!
Something funny?
Hi.
What are you
supposed to be?
He's like the little
Chief of Police of, like,
Munchkin-land or something.
A Wizard of Oz joke.
That's very original.
I never hear those.
You two have violated
mall bylaw 2378.
Have you by any chance
seen two young men
running around here
tonight?
Are you deaf?
I'm placing you
under citizen's arrest.
Ooh!|
Yikes.
You and uh...
um... you?
By yourself?
All alone?
Me and, uh...
Mr. Pepper-spray here.
Drop the hatchet.
Lose the weapon,
and hit the floor.
All right.
Okay.
Sorry.
Ow...
I'm just going
to get down.
I'll just put my machete
down on the floor-- ooh!
Oh, look, I've got
your pepper spray!
Zzzt.
Oh, you want to play?
Hyuh!
Argh!
Uh!
Now, you...
grab some floor-sandwich
and start eating!
Green light!
Red light!
Sit! Shake a paw!
Gotcha!
Hey!
Want to take him
for a little helicopter ride?
Whoaaa!
It smells here.
Your butt's in my face.
Would you just
shut the fuck up?
Don't get
on your high heels
just because you kicked,
all right?
I kicked because my life
was spiraling into the toilet.
Yeah,
so was mine, Dex,
but at least I tried
to do something about it.
You tried to do
something about it?
Yeah, I got
the job with Omar.
Me and Matilda came up
with the Taylor heist.
What did you do?
I rode in
on a white horse
when all of your
best-laid plans
culminated
in the pressing need
to bury one of your
best fucking friends!
Shut-- Shut up, man!
You're the one who got us
in debt with Omar!
It's your fault!
Why do you think I kicked?
Oh, God, thank you!
Dex quit for a week!
The world is healed!
There's peace on earth!
You know what?
You're a fucking chickenshit!
Dumb fuck!
Dumb quitter!
Where did they go?
Inchon sucked,
you fuckin' Moonie!
Not nice.
Idiot!
One more time.
Where did they go?
Moonie bastard!
One more time.
Where did they go?
Fuck you.
Oh my, what do
we have here,
Officer Oz?
Oh, just what we need.
Looks like we got 'em.
Beautiful nothing
Is all I wanna hear
Beautiful nothing
Music to my ear
So stop all
your bang-clangin'
Shouting
and stompin' around
Beautiful nothing
Fuck.
Come on, let's go.
No.
I'm staying.
Shut up.
Get up.
I'm good.
No, no, no, no...
Hey.
Warm.
No.
No, no, Dex, you're going
to get hypodermia.
No, Dex, you're going
to freeze to death, man.
No, I'm good.
Hey!
Come on!
Get up now!
What are you doing?
Get up!
Quit hugging me!
I'm not hugging you!
I'm trying to carry you.
Quit it!
I can walk!
Damn,
I'm not hugging you.
Quit it!
I'm trying to carry you,
all right?
Do you hear me?
Let's get out of here.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
This way.
Anthony?
Martin here.
We got a code blue.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Oh, my God,
are you boys okay?
No.
What are you doing out here?
You're freezing!
Yeah, yeah.
You're dripping wet.
Come on, get in the car.
You look so cold.
Come on, man.
You, too.
You boys should get
out of those clothes,
you'll warm up faster.
Don't be shy.
I once lived in a nudist
commune in Brazil.
I know what a naked man
looks like.
Looks like you're having
about as bad a day as I am.
My husband went missing
from the hospital tonight.
I fell asleep in the lounge
and when I woke up,
they told me he was gone.
Just like that, huh?
Wow.
Oh, where are my manners?
I'm Irene Taylor.
Oh, I'm Royce
and this is Dex.|
Nice to meet you, boys.
Why was he
in the hospital?
The weirdest accident.
An icicle fell and stuck
into the top of his head.
It nestled down
in the lobes of his brain.
Doctor said he'd be okay
once the initial shock
wore off.
Oh, man.
My nephew's
house-sitting for us.
I don't know where
the hell he got to.
You boys wait here.
I don't want you
catching pneumonia.
Oh, my God,
we gotta book, man.
Naked?
I don't know.
We gotta take her car
and get to the mall, man.
Again... naked?
Rufus!
Be very careful
with her.
Ow.
Punish them if they return.
Come on in.
Wow, it looks like something
went right through your floor.
Are you calling the cops?
Much as I hate to, I gotta.
Because us two aren't
exactly the Hardy Boys,
if you know what I mean.
I figured.
Hello, police?
It's Irene Taylor.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah!
Crossbow.
Thor's hammer.
War club.
Battle flail.
Gentlemen...
'94 VW hatchback
with blue running lights.
Let's roll!
Jeremy, you little shit!
Where's my hundred bucks?
Maybe you shouldn't have
fucking taken it, should you?
No.
I'm all tapped out now,
but my name and number
is on the back of this card.
That's okay,
you've done enough.
No, I know what it's like
to be on the road.
Enjoy it while you can
because before you know it,
you'll have a house
full of stuff you don't need
and deep down
don't really want.
Like a floor
with a hole in it?
Awkward.
To tell you the truth,
I kinda liked things better
when we had nothing.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Bye!
I feel like an asshole.
Yeah, me too.
But that's okay.
We'll just take enough
from the safe to pay Omar.
Yeah.
Give the rest back.
Yeah, man, yeah.
Okay?
Yeah, absolutely.
Ah, shit.
You know what, man?
What?
We make it through this,
man, I'm kicking.
I'm going to turn
everything around.
You serious?
Yeah.
Ave Satanas!
Jeremy.
Jeremy, it's Matilda.
What are you doing here?
I don't--
I don't know.
What are we doing--
We gotta get out of here.
Okay, okay.
Be still!
Get your hands off me, bitch!
Safety first!
Unlock the door!
Safety first--
Oh, boy!
Oh, God.
Move, move, move, move!
Go, go, go!
Take it where?
Turn where?
There! There!
Fine!
Lock your doors!
Go!
Very special.
Angels.
What?
Angels!
I'm going to die!
No, no, no!
Not the car!
No insurance!
Oh! Stop it!
Give them some candy!
Oh, fuck!
Shit.
How am I going to fix that?
I'm going to kill them!
I'm going to kill them!
Not so bad now, are you,
Moonie motherfucker?
Grow up!
This is not--
Whatever!
Get out of the car.
I'm not getting
out of the car!
Be strong!
Run!
Ah!
Ow.|
One little Satanic ritual.
Is that too much to ask?
Well done, boys.
Double doubles on me.
Woo, yeah!
Rock, rock, rock, rock
We're gonna rock, rock--
We fucking rock
We rock
We fucking rock
The lights are on, man.
Oh, Matilda,
she must be up.
She must be up.
Matilda's up.
Shit!
What?
What the fuck
is he doing here?
Would you get
the fuck down?
Do you think he--
Shh!
You shhh!
Shh!
Shut the fuck up, man.
You shut the fuck up.
Why would you do that?
I don't know.
Now what?
I got an idea.
What?
What is that?
Liquid morphine.
Where'd you get
liquid morphine?
From my dentist.
This shit'll make him talk.
Some CIA shit.
You have a dentist?
What is he, dead?
I don't know.
Wanna wake him up?
Hello?
Hey!
Hi.
I used to be like you guys
before I met Abel.
Off drugs and into religion.
Fun trade.
With Satan you kill others,
not yourself.
You don't feel like killing
anyone else now though, do you?
No.
So where's Mattie?
Mattie...
The New Age Center.
Where are you going?
Nowhere, obviously.
You're not giving up.
What's the point?
Lucifer is supposed
to be helping us,
not plaguing us
with midgets and junkies.
Fine.
What is the point?
What are we trying to prove?
Who cares what some
old hippie thinks of us?
I mean, you obviously
don't anymore.
It all started with him.
It started... with him.
Abel got into trouble
when he was 16.
He was sent to a youth camp
run by Jason Taylor.
And then he gave him a book.
Collected Works
of Aleister Crowley.
After that,
Abel read everything
he'd get his hands on.
Malleus Maleficarum.
The Lesser Key of Solomon.
LaVey's Satanic Bible.
That's a good one.
Abel burned with desire
for arcane knowledge.
And I began to see
patterns, truths...
All leading
to the same place...
The very heart of Satan.
If it wasn't for him,
he wouldn't be
where he is today.
He made you what you were
without even knowing it.
When this is done...
The circle
will be complete.
The circle will be complete.
Abel's going to awaken
Jason Taylor from his coma
by feeding him
the blood of the girl.
That is the stupidest
fucking thing I ever heard.
And that includes everything
this guy ever said.
Yeah!
Won't seem stupid
when it works.
Yeah?
We've lost the girl.
She wandered into
the warehouse district.
Were those knights?
They were angels.
And who were
those other guys?
They were demons.
I saw them in hell.
Oh, of course.
Oh... come on.
Come on.
Oh, my head is killing me.
Look... l-let's go back
to my uncle's place
and get freaky.
I can't.
I got a big bunch of weed
and 50 bucks!
What more could you want?
I don't do that anymore.
Since when?
Since I spoke to God,
Jeremy.
And he specifically said,
"Do not have sex
with Jeremy anymore?"
Jeremy, I'm serious.
I have a purpose, okay?
I'm not really sure
what it is yet,
but I'm not going
to ever know
if I'm whoring around
for drug money.
Yeah, well, you suck.
Tss, not anymore I don't.
You broke both his legs?
I-- I thought you...
I-- I broke both his legs.
Fuck. Good.
No, I thought you would
break one leg.
But if you're going
to break two, you know,
that makes it
harder to walk.
Well, you were so upset
about the first time.
Well, yeah.
I mean, you know.
You can't, you know...
I figure I'd make up for it
by breaking both legs.
Well, there's that--
now he's learned his lesson.
Otherwise he's going
to walk around like this.
Hello. Hello.
My name is Sam.
I don't have
any fucking thumbs.
You know?
Listen, Mattie,
I want to thank you
for all the stuff
we've done together.
It really...
boosted my confidence,
you know?
It makes me feel
like a man.
That-- That means
something to me.
I want you to know that
I think of you as, like...
a teacher.
Thanks, Jeremy.
That's really sweet.
So how about
one last time, hmm?
Ow! Jeremy!
Hey, you! You!
No fighting!
What?
You're outta here.
But-- But I didn't
do nothin'!
Ow!
Please, sir,
you can't just--
just leave me outside
all by myself!
Please!
Oh, God, how did we--
how did we that?
Where have you guys been?
Oh, never mind.
How are you?
Do you have
that combo... on you?
Do you remember that?
Let's check the bar.
Come on.
Mattie, please!
No!
We just need the combo.
No!
Come on, Mattie.
Come on, Matilda,
just give us the combo!
Please!
No.
Why not?
Please?
I'm a different person now.
Stealing's an easy way out.
Yeah, but you see--
you see, the hard way out
is-- is Omar killing us.
Omar's not going
to kill you.
He's a pussy... cat!
Well, I really--
I really, you know--
I don't want test
that theory, Mattie.
Please.
Yeah.
One condition.
Anything!
Anything.
You guys quit.
Both of you guys!
Well, he already did.
Sorta.
Dexter, you really quit?
When did you quit?
I quit, like,
about a week ago.
That's so good!
Don't you feel so good?
I feel pretty good.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Because I was
telling Jeremy,
like, we can't live
our lives like this.
You know, there's--
Oh, Jeremy, Jeremy?
Yeah, who's Jeremy?
Jeremy.
Jason Taylor's Jeremy?
Yeah, he was in the car
when the angels rescued us.
Ah, she was the freaky chick
he was telling me!
You were turning tricks
with that little bastard?
Not anymore.|
You're saying
"not anymore!"
That's how much
he paid you?
It's the combo, shithead.|
That's the combo?
Yes.
Oh, you're so good.
Thank you!
God! And to think
we almost buried you tonight.
What?
What the--
I mean...
You guys what almost me?
Arggh!
Why would you do that?
God!
I mean...
I don't know why
you'd say that.
I mean, she gave us the combo
and then you said we--
we were going
to bury her tonight.
I mean I just think
that's really--
That just shows lack
of intelligence on your part.
I just don't understand why
you'd do that sort of thing.
Hey!
Guys?
Oh, shit!|
Yah!
Is that enough to kill them?
It's enough to kill a horse.
Okay, let's go find
these losers and, uh...
give the hospital
some business.
What if they're just late?
You sure you don't
want to wait?
Oh, Garry, you're a poet
and you don't even know it.
Let me try.
Uh, roses are red,
violets are blue,
don't be a pussy
and let's get
the fuck out of here.
Hey, guys.|
Very well done.
Your mom okay
with you taking the van?
Cool.
She'll be rewarded.
Can you stick around
for this?
It's going to be glorious.
I gotta plow the driveway.
All right.
Be gone.
Walk with Satan.
Don't step on the pentagram.
Nice.
What are you doing, Dex?
What did you say?
Hey.
What?
You okay?
No.
No, I'm fucked.
Yeah, man,
that's because you quit.
Yeah, quit.
She used that stuff
I cut with...
Baby powder.
What?
Yeah, I was trying
to fuck over a guy
in Lumsden.
Baby powder?
I really like
this feeling.
Oh!
Oh, no!
No, man, no.
What?
No, we gotta
get outta here.
We gotta go
get the safe.
Oh, shit!
We gotta-- Get up!
We gotta get Mattie.
Yeah, too.
That-- Her, too.
Oh, you have any monkey?
Do you mean money?
What did I say?
You said "monkey. "
"Do you have any monkey?"
Do you mean money?
Dude, man, I don't
have a monkey, man.
Don't I know you?
Oh! Yeah!
How freaky is she now?
Hey, hey, here's 50 bucks.
Let's go.
Omar?
It's Dex.
You want your money?
Meet us at the New Age Center.
We rock
We fucking rock
Shit!
Ahhh!
Get away from her.
Or else what?
Or else... that!
Damn!
Don't do that.
Damn dirty apes.
Ow! Ooh!
Didn't hurt.
Whoa! Wait!
Abel, I got an idea.
Take me instead.
Take me.
Take me instead.
Let Mattie go.
Look at her, man.
She doesn't deserve this.
What are you doing?
What?
He might actually do that!
I know.
You would really
die for her?
Yeah.
Wow.
I bet you feel
like a real piece
of shit right now.
I don't know
what you just said,
freaky girl,
but I'm sure
I don't like it!
I don't want
either of them.
Hey! Hey!
Whoa!
"Whoa" is right!
What are you doing here?
This is all wrong.
The crosses
are upside-down.
Why wouldn't
she be upside-down?
And the pentagram, man,
this looks wrong.
You know what?
I will not brook any more
of your interruptions!
I mean, you've got
one point of the pentagram
pointed at the altar
instead of two,
like devil's horns.
Everybody knows that.
I looked this up.
He doesn't know
what he's talking about.
I know this shit.
I listened to the same bands
you did in high school.
What the fuck is this?
Hi.
What's going on, Dex?
Long story.
Hey, I've got time,
if you've got my money.
In my car.
Oh...
What are you
looking at, huh?
I-I think you might
want to put that down.
I don't think so.
Oh, you don't think so?
Okay.
Maybe--
Maybe I should go?
Should I go?
Or how about this?
Hmm? Hmm?
Cheers!
Maybe put knifey knifey
down a little bit?
How about this?
Ahhh!
Sorry, man.
Oh!
Money, honey.
Let's go, boys,
before someone calls
the authorities.
Yeah!
Dexter?
Yeah?
Is that my money?
Be my guest.
Yeah, if you let us go.
Sure. Go.
Let's get you home,
Mr. Taylor.
I have a home?
Lucifer?
You can take me now.
My work here is done.
Cleanse me
with the fires of hell.
You there, Seamus?
Yeah.
I think so.
You guys are
my only real friends.
I'm going to miss you.
I'll save you a seat
by the fire.
At least let us
move the safe, okay?
Hey, it will be
a lot easier to move
once I got all
the money out, right?
Lucifer, can you hear me?
You can take me.
Fuck!
Still waiting.
The mouse...
said you'd come.
What?
What?
What did you say?
I don't recall.
All I did was give
Abel a book.
Who knew he'd run with it?
I got an idea.
Mm?
Sprayonaise, hmm?
It's yours.
If you want it,
you got it!
You know,
that'll more than pay
for what we took
from the safe.
Oh, yeah.
Do you mean...
sprayable mayonnaise?
Yes.
Organic?
Yes!
Huh.
Well, you've burned
your bridges
Pull on that bad boy.
And you paid the cost
But you find a way
To get across
'Cause it all |
Works out
In the end somehow
It all works out
Somehow
You hang out your heart
And you watch it bleed
But you find a way
To believe
'Cause it all
Works out
In the end somehow
It all works out
Somehow
It all works somehow
Time says you'll be
making your way back home
Before you know it
So let's go
Sign says only
230 kilometers to go
And your still talking
to me like an animal
That's got the gum disease,
rabies and fleas
I won't bite you
Slow down
This world's already
turning fast enough
It seems every time
that I'm pleased
I have this little disease
just feeding on me
I guess that
this reminds me
That life is just too damn
short to dick around
But I just
can't help myself
I said
Time says you'll be
making your way back home
Before you know it
So let's go
Sign says only
230 kilometers to go
Time says you'll be
making your way back home
Before you know it
So let's go
Sign says only
230 kilometers to go
Yeah
It seems every time
that I'm pleased
I have this little disease
just feeding on me
I guess that
this reminds me
That life is just too damn
short to dick around
But I just
can't help myself
I said
Time says you'll be
making your way back...
Home before you know it
Nothing goes together
like a cigarette
and a hot beverage,
but the truth is...
cigarettes can kill.
I've tried to quit,
but I'm helplessly
addicted to nicotine.
Then you need Ciga-tea.
Tea with nicotine in it?
That's right.
Tea with nicotine in it.
Ciga-tea has already helped
thousands of people
kick the deadly smoking habit.
I'm ready to kick butts!
So what's my line?
Uh...
Would you care
for a cigarette?
No, thanks.
I'd rather have Ciga-tea.
Mmm!
Thank you, Ciga-tea!
From Taylor Enterprises,
the people who brought you
Sprayonaise:
the organic mayonnaise
in a spray can.