- How do you like this rain, Danny?
- I'm sick of it, Jim.
Mr. Sunshine should be peeking
through those early morning clouds.
Yeah. Promises, promises.
Folks, we have a question for you.
First caller with the right answer wins:
An orthopedic tractor seat cushion
from Handy's Hardware.
Okay, he was a recent
two-term president.
- Of the Moose Lodge?
- No, no, little buddy.
The ex-president of the United States!
Many say the most popular in history.
- The first president divorced in office.
- And he's moving right here to...
... Mooseport!
- Okay, we got a caller.
- Can you name him?
- Eagle Cole?
- Monroe "Eagle" Cole!
- Monroe "Eagle" Cole!
Congratulations, you're a winner.
- Morning, Handy.
- Morning, Kent. Looks good.
- Yeah. Yeah. Morning, Harve.
- Morning, Kent.
- Morning, Harve.
- Morning.
- Morning, Harve.
- Morning, Morris.
- Morning, Handy.
- Morning, Morris.
- Morning, Reuben.
- Morning, Handy!
- Morning, Stu, Morning, Fern.
- Morning, Handy.
- New socks, Harve?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I like them. I like them.
They go well with... each other.
- Thanks.
- Morning, Handy.
Hi, Mandy. I didn't see you there.
Ready, boys? Get it together, now.
Nice. Good job.
- Morning.
- Morning, Irma.
Come on, Plunger. There you go.
- Hey, baby.
- Martha, good morning.
It's not too early for Bruce, right?
Bruce doesn't care what time it is.
- Bruce got a little morning breath going.
- Do you believe this?
He decides to come a week early and
they expect us to get all that work done?
He's the president.
He usually gets what he wants.
We'll get it done.
You know what I like about Bruce?
When he's here, my nose looks normal.
Yeah, but his nose fits his face, boss.
You're not funny, Bob. Let's go.
- Hold, please.
- Hold on one second.
Copy that. Go!
Lucky bounce, Mr. President.
Well, you know what they say:
I'd rather be lucky than good.
Mr. President, what will you do next?
Oh, so many offers, Chi Chi,
it's an embarrassment of riches.
First, there's the Farewell World Tour.
Chance for me to say goodbye and
thank you to all my wonderful friends.
Writing my memoirs. And then I'm doing
something I haven't done in 26 years:
Putting my feet up, reading a newspaper,
without interruptions.
Sounds good. Settle back in that
beautiful place you have in Baltimore.
Afraid the first lady got that one.
- In the divorce.
- Oh, right.
She got the best years of my life.
But the one thing she won't get
is my title.
To the house?
No. The title "Mr. President. "
Unless donkeys fly, they'll be calling me
Mr. President for the rest of my life.
She can have Baltimore. I'm fine with my
lovely little summer place. Mooseport.
Four-Tango-X-ray.
Hold short of runway one-two.
Sorry, Sally, we have the former
president of the United States on final.
We've got orders to let him land first.
- Hold short.
- Damn it.
Welcome to the Mooseport White House,
Mr. President.
All secure.
Home sweet home.
It gets more magnificent every year.
Take the dog for a pee, Grace.
Oh, Jesus. It looks like
Tiger Woods' funeral.
- There are these speaking engagements...
- I have to take a quick cabinet meeting.
Get in there!
Sir, sorry. Handy Harrison.
It's an honor to meet you, sir.
- Get his weapon.
- Back off!
- All right, sir?
- Fine. I didn't know a worker was here.
- I'm a worker.
- I'm sure he's been checked out.
- They checked me out.
- Yes. Everybody's been totally cleared.
I'll get out of here. Let me...
- Boy, sorry.
- All clear.
And I just want to say it's an honor
to work for you, really.
- Thank you very much.
- All right.
Well...
...I did come in here for a reason.
Oh, right! Sure.
Go right ahead. Yeah. Sorry.
I'll get that. I'll fix all that.
All that'll be fixed.
President.
At last.
Everyone, let's give the president
some privacy.
- Right away.
- We can go over these offers anytime.
Hold on! How's it coming?
We're finalizing dates this week.
Twenty-six speaking engagements,
And?
Clinton got 100,000, sir.
- And my autobiography?
- Random House is offering 14 mil.
HarperCollins is at 13,
but is offering a better ghostwriter.
- Here.
- Excellent. Keep working it.
We're up to 147 honorary doctorates.
Ninety-three offers to be on boards
of Fortune 500 companies.
Soova Motors is offering $5 million to do
a car commercial to air only in Norway.
And of course, the big enchilada.
The Monroe "Eagle" Cole
Presidential Library.
Oh, I like it.
European rationalism interwoven
with American modernism.
A metaphor of organic growth.
A manmade mountain,
over which soars the eagle.
It's fantastic.
Is it big enough?
It's 40,000 square feet, sir.
- And?
- Clinton's is 20,000, sir.
- Excellent.
- Mr. President...
...it's the former first lady, sir.
Shall I tell her you're out?
No, no, no.
You excuse me?
Here he is, Mrs. Cole.
And the problem is...?
As the man who has just gotten
the most lucrative speaking fees...
...the biggest book deal,
the most board offers in history...
...I would think you'd know.
Come on, honey, you don't believe
all that nonsense, do you?
No, Eagle, I believe it's just
the tip of the iceberg.
Charlotte, lamb, we settled.
Pioneers settle. We rested.
- Seven million. You're selling Mooseport.
- Charlotte...
It's a vacation home, Monroe.
You thieving, conniving, ungrateful...
It's been a pleasure speaking with you,
Mrs. Cole.
- We'll call you back.
- Yeah, you too.
Try to talk some sense into him.
- Seven million.
- It's a negotiation.
You've handled dictators.
You've handled terrorists.
Terrorists were easier. I swear to God.
Breathe.
Let the lawyers handle it. Breathe.
Oh. I can...
Oh, Grace, you're a miracle.
Oh. Sorry.
No, no, no. Come on in.
Can I help you?
Yeah... Well, I don't mean to
disturb you. I'm all done in here.
I mean, I'm done fixing it.
That flushing you heard,
that's work-related, not personal.
Hey, we're done.
What...? Plunger!
Plunger! Plunger, stop it!
Come here!
What are you doing, huh?
Hey, you trying to get us both shot?
How many times do I got to tell you?
Keep that thing in your... body.
Bad dog.
You let him do that in front of you?
I don't have cable, man.
Come on, boy. Come on.
Get them, get them.
Sally?
Spit it up, froggy. Thank you.
Sally? You stay off her couch, Plunger.
Sally? Sally? Hey, you up here?
- Guess what?
- Downstairs.
Guess what came?
Jane Ellen's delivering.
- Already? Wow. How's she doing?
- Here comes another one.
She's up to sextuplets.
Sextuplets?
Seven, right? Six. Seven!
No, six, six.
Chester.
Aw, you did it, boy.
Oh, boy. Oh, look at those paws.
It's going to be giant.
I know.
Hey, so guess who I saw today?
- Who?
- Take a guess.
- Handy.
- Come on.
- Take one guess.
- The president.
Oh, that's right because everybody
knows he's here.
But not everybody gets a check
for 17,000 big ones.
- Really?
- Seventeen thousand.
Man, you know what? I just...
I think I'm finally ready.
Where were those towels?
You're ready?
Yeah. Yeah.
- Ready to...?
- To get the new truck.
The big one. No more three trips to
the lumberyard for me. It'll be great.
Dina, false alarm!
I'll take him.
I'm not sensing any enthusiasm.
I'm thrilled about your
new truck. Really.
You know what?
Tonight, after the party thing...
...let's do something to celebrate.
Let's just go out, me and you.
A little romantic dinner.
- Sure.
- Yeah, it'll be great.
Okay. All right.
Dina, say hi to Fred and the kids.
All right. See you later.
Plunger, let's go.
Well, he needs a new truck so he can
load all that crap that he's full of.
There he is!
You look great, sir!
Glad you're here, sir.
- Good to see you, sir.
- Over here.
Right here, Mr. President!
We're happy to have you here, sir!
- Here we are.
- Martha, those look good.
Morris! Morris!
- What?
- He's here.
Al, "Hail to the Chief".
"Hail to the Chief"!
- Fifteen minutes.
- An hour.
- Thirty.
- Forty-five and it's a deal.
Sorry.
Good evening.
I'd like to thank everybody for coming.
Tonight is a very special night
for Mooseport.
In the words of Hunt Langley, who put it
so eloquently in The Moose Call:
"The Eagle has landed!"
- How original.
- On behalf of the town council...
...let's give a big Mooseport welcome
to our newest citizen...
...Monroe "Eagle" Cole!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
As you all know, it's been over a year
since I vacationed up here.
So first off, to the rumor
that I'm only here...
...because I lost my Baltimore house
in my divorce...
...absolutely true.
I am a Mooseport resident.
Even though I didn't get to meet many
of you when I was here as president...
...I certainly hope to...
I certainly would...
...hope to get to know you all
a lot better.
Maybe we could hit a few birdies
or eagles...
...at your local golf links.
Anyway, since I'm not here
to ask for money...
...I don't know what else to say...
...except to thank you so much
for your hospitality...
...and see you around the burg.
Thanks, Mr. President. That was great.
Can some of us talk with you privately?
The president's time is limited. Sorry.
This'll just take a second, sir.
It's kind of urgent.
Certainly.
- Right this way.
- Excuse me.
Mr. President, I'm sorry the timing
isn't better...
...but your arrival has coincided
with something of a crisis.
Folks, I'm The Crisismeister.
Shall I call the Marines?
- Would you care to sit down, please?
- Thank you.
Mr. President, Amos Harmon, our
beloved mayor of 24 years, passed away.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Anyway, sir, the town council met
an hour ago in an emergency session...
...and voted unanimously...
...to beseech you, sir,
to be our mayor.
Your mayor?
Mayor.
That's good.
Yes, sir. You see, before he died...
...Mayor Harmon was running,
as always, unopposed.
And with the filing deadline tomorrow...
...we were having a dilly of a time
finding a replacement.
Then Reuben here pipes up and says,
"Why not get the president?"
I said, "Get the president!"
In our 240-year history there would be
no greater honor bestowed on our town.
To have as our mayor,
the most popular president in history.
- Approval ratings in the 70s.
- Eighties, actually.
- Eighty-five.
- Eighty-five.
Eighty-five. Unbelievable.
Mr. President, you simply must say yes.
Well, folks, even though I'm not in the
Oval Office any longer, I do have plans.
Sally, please. We're in the middle
of something here.
Sorry. I was just...
...getting my coat.
I'll come back.
Hold on a second.
- Sally, is it?
- Yes.
Sally, you seem like
an engaged citizen.
What would you think about
my being mayor?
- Mayor? Really?
- It was my idea!
I think you should do it.
And then maybe you could do
something about that landing situation.
- The landing situation.
- Yeah. I'm a veterinarian...
...and I had a critically ill donkey
in my helicopter this morning...
...and I almost lost her...
...because the president
just had to land first.
I'm sorry. I didn't realize.
Must've been a procedural thing.
- Standard security protocol, sir.
- Standard security.
Maybe if you were mayor
you could do something about that.
Absolutely. Things like that
shouldn't happen.
I appreciate your opinion.
- It's nice to meet you, Mr. President.
- Nice to meet you too, Sally.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Well, Mr. President?
- I'm sorry, gentlemen, it's just...
Hold on a second there, Bullard. Maybe...
Excuse me, Mr. President. I suggest
that we give them an answer tomorrow.
Gentlemen, he'll sleep on it.
Yes, I'll sleep on it.
So we'll hear from you
in the morning, sir?
You have my word.
You have the Eagle's word.
Thank you, Mr. President.
By God, that's just the way
he sounds on TV!
Sorry. Connelly's septic tank
broke again.
Stood up for a septic tank.
No. No, you look good.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- What?
- You stink!
- Too much cologne? Yeah?
- No. Did you think about a shower?
Yes, but then I would've been more late.
And I didn't think it was bad.
You know how you can't smell your
own smell? I think that's what it is.
So is this thing over?
It's over for me.
You want to get something to eat?
I'm not hungry. I think I'll go home.
Wait. Come on. Is it that bad?
I'll take a shower.
We can take a shower.
I already took a shower.
Come on, Sally, what's the problem?
I don't know. I'm just...
You know, for the past six years...
Today, when you said you were...
I don't know, Handy. Why don't you
tell me what the problem is.
- I don't have a problem.
- Well, that's the problem.
- Well, what do you...?
- I'll see you tomorrow.
I should have showered.
- Good morning.
- Beautiful, Ramona.
- Today's agenda, ma'am.
- Thank you, John.
Perfect, Smitty.
For God's sake,
save me from Mooseport, Rod.
How about a job at the Pentagon?
Gotta go.
Morning, Mr. President.
Good morning, good morning.
Oh, Smitty, thank you so much.
What's on tap today?
Read the paper.
Finally. Grace, you're wonderful.
Then you can take that jog
you've been wanting to take.
Fabulous.
About that mayor thing...
Don't worry, we'll take care of it.
"While the president is flattered,
he respectfully declines.
- His schedule precludes him... "
- Actually, I'm considering it.
Sir?
Yeah, why not?
Largely ceremonial.
Any work involved, you can do.
We run everything else
we're involved in.
- Why not Mooseport?
- Well, sir...
As your first move out of office
you become mayor?
It's beneath you.
And from a P.R. Standpoint it's...
Fantastic.
"For the love of public service,
Eagle Cole...
...the most beloved president since
Jack Kennedy, agrees to help. " Perfect.
Don't forget the Wicked Witch
of the West Wing.
She can't claim this is a vacation
house if I'm mayor, can she?
True.
Wait until the filing deadline
and then call with the good news.
Yes, sir.
There. We're going to run "Turdport. "
Thank you very much, gentlemen.
I won't let Mooseport down.
You have the Eagle's word. Okay?
- Thank you, Mr. President. Goodbye.
- Bye.
It was my idea!
- Congratulations, Kent.
- Morris, you might want to read this.
Holy crap!
Thanks for meeting with us again, sir.
When we talked last night,
nobody else had put in for mayor.
Well, unbeknownst to us, Irma Brisker,
our town registrar...
...took it upon herself to persuade
Harold Harrison...
You may know him
as Handy Harrison.
Runs the hardware store.
Doing construction work on your home.
...to run for mayor as well.
Okay, then. You've got your mayor.
If he wants it, he can have it.
It's a touch more complicated than that.
What's complicated?
It's just that... See, sir, it kind of got out
in the press that you're both in.
- What press?
- Well...
When the deadline passed we called
Hunt Langley at The Moose Call.
He said when this got around,
it would be national news.
Of course it'll be news.
Press'll say I'm trying to squash a bug.
Rest assured, sir, not one of them
said anything like that.
- Did they, Stu?
- None of them said that.
A couple called it, "David and Goliath,"
but none said that.
- What do you mean, "them"? Who?
- NBC.
- CBS.
- FOX. It was really exciting.
You telling me
the entire country...
...thinks I'm running for mayor
against the man installing my toilet?
But, sir, you said, "Eagle's word. "
Aw, hell!
Stop eating the fertilizer.
Go on over there.
- Look, it's the president!
- He's here!
Which car is he in?
Company's coming.
And Bruce is out again.
- What is this?
- That's Bruce the moose, sir.
It's a rescued animal. Handy's pet.
Shouldn't it be in a zoo?
- Afternoon, Mr. President.
- Oh, hello, Handy.
Is everything okay
with that water heater?
It's all fine.
I wondered if you had a minute.
- I'm Bob. I'm working for you too.
- Bob, nice to see you.
Sorry, Mr. President.
Bob, Martha and Irma.
- Martha. Irma.
- Paint.
- Pipes.
- Wood products.
Like your last two
Cabinet appointments.
- Aren't you going to introduce me?
- Oh, sorry. This is Mandy.
Mandy and Handy. How cute.
Could we speak privately
for a moment?
Yeah, sure. That's my office
right over there.
Outstanding.
Excuse me. I have a private meeting
with the president.
Iguana on your left, sir.
What a dump.
Well, sir, this is it.
Oh, it's cozy. Nice office.
Thank you. How can I help you?
Well, Handy, as I'm sure you know,
we've both put in for mayor.
- No, I didn't know that.
- You didn't?
I knew that I put in. I thought
I was just doing the town a favor.
I thought I was running all by myself.
As you can see,
we have a bit of a situation.
Yeah. We got a bit of a pickle here.
Bit of a pickle, exactly. So I thought
that one of us should withdraw.
I would be happy if it were me.
Lord knows I have nothing left to prove,
much less being the mayor of anything.
But I have a P.R. Problem.
A P.R. Pro...? Is it serious?
Well, it got out to the press
that I had given my word.
- Oh, right.
- You know.
"You have the Eagle's word. "
- Right, like on TV.
- TV. Exactly.
So... Well, look...
...you're a golfer, right?
Are you any good?
I get around. I'm like a 10 handicap,
maybe, on a good day.
Ten? Me too.
We should play sometime.
That would be an honor, sir.
Well, if you're trying to make
a name for yourself in golf...
...you wouldn't start off by...
Nice shot.
...challenging Tiger Woods.
No, you'd start small.
Local tournaments. Same in politics.
You don't start a political career...
...running against the former
president of the United States.
- Fine.
- Fine?
It was a privilege to run.
It's a privilege to withdraw.
- Well, it's settled.
- What's settled?
It turns out we both put in for mayor,
so I just withdrew.
- Chicken.
- I'm glad I helped with the P.R. Problem.
Bruce is out of his pen again.
Did anybody happen to notice?
No, he chewed through the rope.
Bob, put him back.
I already did it.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Sally, the president.
We just had a meeting.
We met last night,
when I was stood up.
Look, I'm sorry if I was rude to you.
I'm really embarrassed.
Rude? Don't be silly. No.
In fact, what you said helped
convince me to be mayor.
- Really?
- So you're gonna do it?
- You're going to be our mayor. Great.
- It is, isn't it?
I'm so glad I ran into you.
You know, I've decided to get a dog.
I thought you already had a dog.
I do. A great animal.
- A Shih Tzu.
- Westie.
Westie needs a friend.
And I thought if you were available,
let's say, tomorrow night, perhaps...
...we could discuss it over dinner.
- Dinner?
Yeah. I could really use your
professional advice on this.
Really? My advice?
Okay. Well, yeah. Dinner would be fine.
Great. Looking forward to it. My people
will get in touch with your people.
I don't have people,
but I could give you my number.
Well, my people will get your number,
and we'll set up a time.
And I'm sure whatever time we do set,
you'll be on time.
Absolutely. Looking forward to it.
See you on the links, sir.
- And thanks again for being so helpful.
- Right.
You mean rolling over.
You know, Bruce is a baby.
Babies like to chew things, like rope.
- Uh-oh.
- Okay.
Sally...
...is it me, or did you just
get asked out...
...by that president guy?
Yes, I think I did. Probably couldn't
chew through this, right?
And is it me or did you just say yes
to the president guy?
Yes, I think I did.
I'm sorry that I was late. But you can't
date the president because of that.
- Do you really think that's the reason?
- Why, then?
Why not?
Here, use this.
Shut up!
Sally, I want to talk to you.
Sally, I want to talk! What...?
Thank you very much.
It's very nice of you too.
- Say goodbye, honey.
- It's Irene.
Mr. President!
Yes, Handy, what is it?
- Mr. President!
- Thank you very much.
I can't do it, sir.
I can't drop out of the mayor race.
Excuse me?
I don't have the Eagle thing like you,
but I'm a man of my word too.
And every man's word's important.
Isn't that true?
Does he want money? What is it?
If you stay in this race then I'm sure
you're going to slaughter me...
...but I'm running for
the mayor of Mooseport.
Is he losing his mind?
What just happened?
You're running against the president.
And your girlfriend's dating him.
Mm-hm.
I repeat, "Mm-hm. "
Larry, the president has no comment.
No, no comment. Thank you.
That's all the networks, 60 Minutes,
and Larry King.
The handyman's girlfriend?
Why didn't you tell me?
- I'm gonna look like an idiot.
- I tried to tell you, remember?
Why didn't you try harder?
What am I supposed to do now,
apologize? Back down?
You wanna call Bert Langdon?
For what? I don't need
a campaign manager for this.
Hello...
One second. Mr. President?
Bert Langdon on line one.
Bert. What a coincidence.
What's shaking?
That's what I was going to ask you.
It's deader than Nixon down here.
I'd be happy to roll up my sleeves
and come up there if you want.
I'm running against my plumber.
Something I don't know?
You watching FOX news?
The results are quite interesting.
The poll is preliminary, but it does
show Harrison with surprising strength.
There's an eight-percent margin
of error and it's still early...
... but it looks to be very close.
Seems to me the president's got himself
in a bit of a horse race.
Eagle, you with me?
Don't you mean, "moose race"?
Eagle!
- There she is.
- That's her right there.
Miss Mannis? Are you Dr. Sally Mannis?
- Yeah.
- A question about Handy Harrison.
You've been seeing Mr. Harrison
for six years?
- And now you're dating the president?
- No.
I'm not dating the president.
It's one date.
I'm not even sure you'd call it a date.
Wouldn't call it a date.
What would you call it?
A couple more questions.
When did he ask you out?
- Have you and the president had sex yet?
- For God's sakes.
Come on. Come on. Let's go.
Think about it, Handy.
For our mayor, we could have
the president of the United States.
- What are you trying to do to us?
- You know he's gonna win.
- Drop out, you bastard!
- Thank you, Reuben.
And you better keep an eye
on your speedometer, Harrison.
Handy! Handy!
Handy! Handy!
What's this? Come on.
What's going on?
What's it look like?
You're campaigning.
Hey, guys. Come on.
Hey, Handy. Do you like it?
That's... Yeah.
Guys, thank you.
And the moose hat and everything.
But, Irma, we discussed this.
I'm not campaigning. I'm not.
- What?
- Do you care about Sally or not?
Look, her going out with him
is just a casual...
Call it postmenopausal intuition...
...but just my opinion...
...lose this election, lose Sally.
It won't go anywhere.
He's, like, 20 years older than me.
- He's the president.
- So?
Power takes 10 years off a man, Handy.
Rich, another 10.
By the time you figure he's in great
shape and you're not...
...he's younger than you are.
So you want to campaign or not?
"Better shape. "
I know I can kick your ass.
Up and running.
So how do we kick this off, Bert?
Top priority, obviously,
is to keep him presidential.
Just pound these moose worshipers...
...with what his unbelievable experience
can bring to them.
If they think about it
for half a second...
...Harrison can't bring even a fraction
of what he brings. Whatever he is.
And what exactly is he?
Preliminary research says...
...that he is something that actually
we've never faced before, Mr. President.
- And that is...?
- He's a genuinely honest man, sir.
Oh, come on, Grace. All that means
is he's never run for public office.
What do you got, Bert?
FBI, CIA, nothing.
But this turned up in the local paper.
And that's it?
That's it. We're running against
the pie-eating champ.
And think about this:
He runs for mayor, but only
when he thinks he's unopposed.
He dates the same woman for six years,
but he never pops the question.
What's wrong with this picture?
He won't take risks.
He won't make a commitment.
Any man who won't make a commitment
shouldn't be mayor of anything.
- That's good. How do we get that out?
- Whisper campaign at first.
Then radio.
Eventually we'll have to have TV spots.
Shouldn't get too expensive, but...
Sir, I'm sure you don't wanna hear this.
But would the easiest thing be...?
Should we discuss a withdrawal?
Withdrawal?
Grace, he's the Eagle.
Eagle Cole has never run away
from anything in his life!
- Not to mention the effect on finances.
- Finances?
Book deals, corporate boards,
library fundraising.
You quit or lose to a plumber...
...we can kiss the deals goodbye
before you say Roto-Rooter.
This is not about Mooseport.
It's about winning.
It's about spending 3 million dollars
to protect 20.
Maybe I should commit
to that speaking tour.
L... I, uh...
I had to cancel that, sir.
You what?
It seemed obvious. It was right
in the middle of the campaign and...
That was millions of dollars.
Well, sir, there is still that offer
from the Soova Motors people.
The ex-president of the United States
can't do car commercials.
But have you seen the car? Look.
It's snappy styling, snappy president.
- And smooth handling...
- Bullard.
...leather interior.
- Bullard, get out.
- Get out. Get out.
- I'll handle the money, Eagle.
I'm sure that with the library pledges,
something will turn up.
May I stay now, sir?
Go in the corner, out of my eyeline.
Thank you, sir.
- I can still see you.
- Yes, sir.
What about the girl? What about this
Sally-Handy, Sally-Eagle wank-off?
He'll have to cancel the date.
Whoa, no, he can't cancel the date.
You said it, Bert.
The Eagle doesn't back down.
You clear up what I didn't know
and when I didn't know it, I'll be fine.
- Should I draft a press release?
- Yeah.
Oh! Oh, no. No.
Call the press, have them over here
in the morning.
And then get Handy Harrison
here to fix the toilet.
You see where I'm going with this?
I see it, Mr. President. I'm on it.
Let's get to work.
He's coming in.
Let's go. Let's go. Move on through.
- Oh, boy.
- Looks like an ambush.
Oh, boy.
Folks, I need a word with Mr. Harrison.
- Morning, Handy.
- Morning, Mr. President.
- You got toilet trouble, right?
- Yeah.
Handy, I want to make it clear
that when I asked Miss Mannis out...
...I had no idea that you two
had a relationship.
And though I find it reprehensible for a
man to interfere in an ongoing romance...
Me too.
I also believe that a woman's heart
is hers and hers alone to give.
Yeah. That's a good point.
So I asked Sally out in ignorance
and she agreed to go.
And until she tells me to stand down...
...I intend to see her. Fair?
Call him a horndog.
Did she say "a horndog?"
Well...
...if it's okay with you, sir,
I'd like to chew on that a bit.
Okay, you chew on that...
...and if you find you can't swallow it,
I'll give you the Heimlich maneuver.
Come and fix these toilets.
- So are we going to see a date?
- I don't know what you'll see.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
- I feel great. Do we have any ice cream?
- Absolutely, sir.
And I think we found a way to solve
your money problems.
- Really?
- Yes.
- Voil.
- That's it?
Nothing to it. You save 3 million
dollars and look: Still beautiful.
Excellent. Excellent.
Don't even miss it.
- Everybody, let's get back to work.
- Right away, sir.
Son of a bitch.
Sally!
Plunger, you stay off of the couch.
Hello?
Hey. Hey, it's me. What's up?
What are you doing? Want to go do
something? See a movie?
You know I have plans tonight.
That's right.
That's right.
I forgot tonight's your date with
the president of the United States.
You see this?
"Local vet finds romance
with past president. "
Where'd they get that picture?
Well, there it is next to
the president on the front page.
So, what about later? I mean, you know,
he must go to bed at 8:30. Right?
So there's supposed to be a meteor
shower at 11:00. That could be cool.
It'll have to be another time.
All right. It's not gonna happen for 240
years, but okay, I'll pencil that in.
You gotta...
You gotta tighten these.
If you're doing all this to get me
jealous, it's worked, okay?
So could you stop it? Please?
Can you just cancel the date...
...with the president?
So that's Wednesday. Then Thursday.
Come in, come in, come in.
Thank you, sir.
Thursday I thought that you could
interview some of the ghostwriters.
- Great, great, great.
- Where are you taking her?
The Pig and the Whistle.
The only steakhouse in town.
Supposed to be quiet, intimate.
Do you know it?
Pig 'N' Whistle. No.
What do I eat?
I mean, what do I talk about?
Do I have anything in common with her?
She's a veterinarian. Why don't you
talk about mad cow disease.
- Don't, by the way, order meat.
- Why not?
I'm guessing, but she may not appreciate
your wolfing down the animal...
...she spent all day trying to save.
Good point.
Come on.
Well, what?
Do you really actually like this guy?
He wants to talk to me about dogs.
- So why you all dressed up then?
- Because he's the president.
Well, then why are you wearing
black underwear?
Were you looking up my dress?
Yeah, I was.
Get over yourself.
I hardly touched you.
How many times do I gotta tell you how
strong you are? You knuckled my bone.
Listen, explain to me
the underwear choice, all right?
I don't believe this. What difference does
it make what color my underwear is?
It's an unconscious indicator...
...of your subconscious intentions.
How you feel about the pink?
- No.
- No.
- What about these?
- No.
- These?
- All right...
- Do you like any of these?
- I don't.
We're going to Sears tomorrow.
- Remember these?
- Yeah. That, we're locking up, okay?
Or you know what?
I could always go with none.
I wonder what that would indicate.
Sally. Sally! Put some pants on!
Hello? Handy's Hardware.
Hello, Pig 'N' Whistle.
No, this is Handy's Hardware.
Good. I'd like to confirm
a reservation, please.
- You have the wrong number.
- Yes, I know.
For President Monroe Cole.
- Strictly confidential, of course.
- Confidential?
Eight o 'clock. For two, yes?
Well, I'll be buggered by a bear.
Yes, you will.
Look forward to seeing you there.
This feels wrong and pushy.
And him making her
his booty poodle isn't?
You have to stop saying that. Please.
Thank you. To new friends.
- Lots of them.
- This way, Mr. President!
Sorry about the gaggle.
I just can't believe
they hound you like this.
You get used to it.
They're kind of like pigeons.
You throw them a crumb
once in a while and... Hello.
- Thank you, sir.
- Hi, Mom.
Out with the president.
That's great.
Are we ready yet?
I hope you're hungry.
I could eat a horse. Radish.
Horseradish.
- Sally?
- I'm not sure yet.
You go first, Mr. President.
- Monroe, please.
- Monroe.
So much to choose from here.
I'll have the baked potato.
- All right.
- Sour cream and butter...
...and Baco Bits. Vegetarian...
...Baco Bits.
I'll have the endive salad
and a T-bone.
- Sometimes you just want a steak, right?
- Yeah.
No turning back. Get in there.
- Harrison. Hold on a minute.
- What's wrong?
Why can't we go in?
- All right.
- Go on.
- Okay. All right.
- What's going on?
Hi.
Sorry, everybody.
Sorry to interrupt. I was just...
I want to let everybody know
that I'll be running for mayor.
And I'd appreciate your votes. So I'll
hand these out and get out of your way.
- Here you go.
- I'm voting for the president.
Hi. Well, good evening, folks.
It's a nice night, isn't it?
Running for mayor. Hey, you got yours?
Hi. Hi, Shelly.
Want to remind people
I'm running for mayor.
Yeah, we heard you before.
Instead of interrupting our dinner,
why don't you two have a debate?
- Debate?
- Yeah. Have a debate.
No, I'm not going to bother
the president with that.
Oh, no, no, a debate's fine by me.
- There, you see?
- Now?
Well, now is not the time
or place, Handy.
But let's say the town hall...
...Tuesday night.
- That's a great idea.
- All right, well, I'll think about it.
- Of course he will.
Tuesday, town hall. Great.
Okay. All right. You're on.
Okay, why don't we let everybody
get back to their dinner.
All right. I'm gonna go in the bar.
Maybe there's people that are drunk
enough to vote for me in there.
Good idea.
- What are you mentioning a debate?
- You'll be fine.
- I can't even talk to you.
- You'll be fine. Oh, come on.
- I'm gonna stay. You go.
- Hand these out.
Take the truck home, all right?
Put some gas in it.
Hi, everybody. Sorry to interrupt.
- Everything all right?
- Yes.
Would you excuse me for one minute?
- Yeah, certainly.
- Don't get up.
Handy, get the hell out of here.
Sally, I have the right to campaign.
Campaign?
You're making a fool of yourself.
Well, welcome to politics.
Discreetly. Discreetly.
What's in it?
They're...
- It's beyond me, sir.
- What?
- Should I get it to the FBI?
- Yes.
No. No, no. Here she comes.
Mr. President!
Watch your step, Mr. President.
- It's going well, don't you think?
- Mr. President, sir, I've been thinking.
- I suggest a handshake, sir.
- What?
It's a first date. I think a handshake...
Grace, Grace. I'm doing great here.
I think you're underestimating me.
Mr. President, are you gonna
see her again?
- Thank you.
- Sally. Over here. How'd the date go?
Have you officially dumped Handy,
Miss Mannis?
Whoa! Was that a meteor?
It's supposed to be a shower tonight.
Maybe it's a good omen.
I just want to apologize again
for Handy.
I certainly did not tell him
where we were going tonight.
I understand totally.
Well, good night.
I...
- Yes!
- Just a handshake?
A little rusty there, Mr. President?
Mr. President, crash and burn, man!
Okay, here it is again.
The president goes in for the kiss.
Out comes her hand.
And no thank you, Mr. President.
- Yeah! Let's get this guy another beer.
- Here's Jaycee with some local opinion.
- Here's some people. What do you think?
- Oh, wait. Guys, guys, guys.
He was pushed.
He missed all her signals.
And you, sir?
The president? Loser.
- That's me!
- Quite a mixed bag of reaction.
The president got vetoed.
Can you believe it?
Definitely the "Cole" shoulder.
- Cole shoulder.
- The president lost that one.
Do I hear lame duck?
Turn it off. All right? Just turn it off!
- Come on, turn it off. Turn it off.
- Here, Mr. President.
There. It's off.
Well, how do we fix this?
We don't. We concentrate on substance.
We get rid of this debate.
What's wrong with a debate?
Putting him on the stage with you
gives him credibility, Eagle.
And he can be funny, sir.
Funny is your weakness.
Not weakness.
Lesser strength.
Oh, get out.
- Out of your eyeline? Or the room...
- Just get out! Out!
Dyer, Cloud, break his leg.
- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.
They know I'm kidding, don't they?
I'm kidding! I'm just kidding!
She didn't kiss the president
of the United States.
Sally! Sally! Sal!
I'm coming. Stay there.
Froggy. Green boy.
Sally!
Sally! Come on!
The frog is empty.
There's nothing in it...
...except frog.
Got a rock particle in my eye now.
My eye hurts. I need a hug.
Sally, just...
For a little bit, we're gonna talk.
This was a joke.
It was a bad joke.
It's a little bit funny.
Go to sleep, and maybe...
Maybe we'll meet in our dreams.
Like you can connect a Nintendo
from one player to the next player.
I'm blowing you a kiss.
It's by the window.
And you... Tomorrow, get it,
when you wake up.
You brush your teeth
and then you go get it.
All right. I'm going home.
I hurt my eye.
Home. Feed my doggie.
Testing. Can y'all hear me?
- Sally!
- Hey, Dina.
Would you stop sweating.
It goes with hyperventilating.
We're all set, Eagle. You'll be stage
right, showing your best side.
Talking points, issue cheat sheets.
Wherever possible, tell them
about your experience.
Demonstrate all the resources
that you can bring to Mooseport.
I'm not afraid of you.
- I can't feel my feet.
- Your feet are fine.
- I can't feel them.
- Don't be a weenie. Now, shape up.
- Is my hair sticking up?
- Turn around.
Put it down already.
- There you go.
- Shut your eyes, baby.
Stop it! Stop it!
Look at it, Handy. Motels are full.
Stores are packed.
Do you realize that this is Mooseport's
first traffic jam since... Ever!
We gotta have a second debate.
- No!
- Mr. President! Hey, y'all!
My nose is making a whistling noise.
Sorry.
My fellow Americans...
...welcome to the first of two televised
mayoral debates.
In the grand old Mooseport tradition...
...a game of Rock Paper Scissors...
...will determine who'll answer
questions first. Gentlemen.
- There you go.
- Show them how it's done.
Handy. Mr. President.
Eagle!
You know the rules.
Rock. Paper. Scissors. Okay?
- On the count of three.
- Go get them, Eagle!
One, two, three.
Rock, rock. Tie. Go again.
- Pick paper!
- I'd choose scissors!
- Come on, focus.
- Good luck, Mr. President!
One, two, three.
Oh, paper, paper. Tie. Go again.
Rock!
Come on, focus!
One, two, three.
Oh, come on!
Rock breaks scissors.
The president wins!
I am now prepared to entertain
questions from the floor.
- I got one!
- Clay?
Some of them environment people...
...have taken to calling
Ned Barker's pond a wetlands.
Now, I've been fishing there for
- What's gonna happen?
- Good question.
Clay, I was the most environmentally
conscious president...
...since Teddy Roosevelt.
Human population won't threaten wildlife
in this area for 200 years, if ever.
So go right on fishing in that pond...
...and if anybody tries to stop you,
you send them to me, all right?
Right on, Mr. President!
Handy.
Come on, Handy. Come on.
That's well-put, Mr. President.
It sounds good to me.
Handy, come on.
My turn! My turn!
- Morris! Over here!
- Francis?
For 10 years now, we have needed a
stop sign front of Lucy Decker's house.
And she has done everything except
burn down city hall to stop it.
If elected, what will you do about it?
First off, I would convene a commission
to study the problem.
I would appoint a blue-ribbon panel
of traffic specialists...
...right-of-way attorneys,
and the Army Corps of Engineers...
...to assess the situation
and make recommendations.
I would spare no effort to make
our streets the safest in the world.
Get him, Eagle!
- Handy, your turn.
- Gotta go for it!
That's well-put, Mr. President.
Lucy, let me ask you,
what's the problem?
Car headlights.
Ten years ago they tried a stop sign,
and when cars on Bay Street stopped...
...their headlights stopped right
on my headboard.
- Have you tried curtains?
- Excuse me?
You know, blackout curtains
for your windows.
You'd probably sleep better anyway.
Well, I'd try that.
Nobody ever suggested that.
Well, you come by the store
and we'll help you out.
- I'll do that.
- That's it, Handy. You tell them!
- Dad! Dad!
- Mandy Gutman.
Dad, this is a question for Handy.
Is that okay?
If the president has no objection.
I reserve the right to respond,
but no objection.
Okay, Mandy.
Handy, I was just wondering,
now that Sally is dating the president...
...does that mean that
you're available?
People, can we keep the questioning
to the subject of the election?
I think Joe had a question...
Actually, Morris, I'd like to address
the issue, if I might.
Thank you.
Thanks, Mandy, for that question.
Sally...
...I know I might not be
the best boyfriend, but...
Look, I thought we had
a good thing going here.
You gotta know how much
I care about you, right?
Why do you think I got mad about
the underwear and the president?
- Tell us about the underwear!
- Was it a thong?
No, no, no. It's just...
It's color. It's a color thing.
Sally, what's the deal?
Are you going out with him or me?
Go for the Eagle!
Sally, pick the president!
- Eagle! Eagle! Eagle!
- Stop it!
Stop it!
Come on, Sally, choose Handy!
Which one's it gonna be?
Sally.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Sally. Sally!
- Sally.
- Are you crazy?
- You didn't answer the phone.
- I can't believe you did that.
What I said means nothing?
You mentioned my underwear
in front of the whole town.
The whole country.
That's how much I care.
- You didn't answer the question.
- What question?
Is it me or him?
Is it me or your new truck? Don't try
to make this about me. It's about you.
How? How is that about me? How...?
Man, she pushed you right down.
Yeah, she's stronger than me.
- It's not about me, it's about you.
- How? How is it about me?
Well, you heard it here first.
It looks like Sally is going to cast
her ballot in favor of the president.
I'm Christy Adams, TVNN News.
Yeah, baby, you're going down.
So, what do you think?
Should I set up another date, or what?
- Why not?
- Excuse me.
Grace?
- Well, what's her problem?
- Maybe she saw the numbers.
You may have done well with the girl,
but the debate was a disaster.
What're you talking about?
Lmpossible.
It's a small town, Eagle.
The rules are different here.
Well, you guys are the hotshots.
Brainstorm.
Well?
Sir...
- Excuse me, Mr. President?
- Yes?
- We could eliminate him.
- What?
You wanna make it look like an accident,
but maybe his brakes could go out.
- Oh, my God.
- Or he could slip on a oil slick.
What, are you insane?
No, sir. I was...
I was just brainstorming.
Did I misunderstand the question?
Thank God you guys are on our side.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you, sir.
Hello.
Small town politics. Oh, boy.
- I like three sugars.
- You only need one.
- I like three.
- Three's unhealthy.
- What's eating you?
- Eating me?
Yes. Somehow you seem irked.
- Irked? Really?
- Irked. Really.
Well, actually I am a little irked,
now that you mention it.
- Would you like to know why?
- Absolutely.
Sit down there, Grace,
and just tell me all about it, okay?
Well...
...when you...
When we first came to live here, I...
- Excuse me, Mr. President.
- Could we have a minute here, please?
Sorry, Eagle, we have an emergency.
Unless somebody's dying,
I don't wanna hear.
It's Charlotte. She's coming here.
Howdy. Handy for mayor.
- Vote for Handy. That's right.
- Go to court.
Get a restraining order.
We got to do something about this.
The sure way, sir...
Dyer, this is too smart for her.
Who thought of this?
It was him, wasn't it? Yeah.
- Grace, I'll handle this.
- Yes, sir.
Vote for Handy.
I had dignity once.
Does anybody remember that?
Did Handy put you up to this?
Hello, Monroe. What brought you here?
Charlotte, hon, could we talk
in private, please?
This is as private as I got for 20 years.
What is it?
Sweetie, if we could just talk alone.
- Handy for mayor.
- We can work something out.
Honeybunch, can we go inside, please?
- Fine.
- Why do you think she's here, sir?
That ought to do it.
President's coming.
Better hide the payroll benefits.
- Charlotte, step into my office.
- Yes, dear.
Married couples have a shorthand,
Monroe. Ours is 9 million dollars.
- Nine? I don't have it!
- Twenty-five years.
A quarter of a century I endured,
and now you're pleading poverty?
You took the house, the boat.
You took everything but my title!
Hello, this is former
first lady Charlotte Cole.
I spent 25 years with Monroe Cole,
which is why I'm supporting Harrison.
Yes, you heard me.
I'm supporting Handy Harrison.
Eagle?
Have I gotten through
to you, lambkins?
I never thought you'd stoop
this low, Harrison.
I thought this was a fair fight
between two honorable men...
...but I see I'm up against somebody
who doesn't play by the rules.
- Have you no sense of decency?
- I'm sorry.
Talk about hitting below the belt.
Bringing in a man's ex-wife.
You're showing your true colors,
aren't you?
I had nothing to do with it!
- Watch your back.
- That's it. I've had it.
I want them both. I want you
to think about a way to do it.
- Coming through.
- Sir.
- Is he...? Is he serious?
- No! No! No!
Mr. President, you want a fair fight?
You just called me dishonorable, sir,
and I'm not.
So if it's a fair fight you want...
...just you and me...
...I think I know the place.
You're on.
What are we doing here, Harrison?
What are the stakes?
Mayor?
No, sir. Sally.
Loser backs off of Sally.
- We're both 10 handicaps, sir.
- Sir.
- Fair fight.
- You're on.
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Show me the way.
Sir, there's something I'd like to
discuss with you about your game...
Eyeline.
- Nice shot.
- Thank you.
- A little bit left.
- Right where I was aiming.
I might drive the green.
Hello! Wait for me!
- What are you doing here?
- Just making sure a fair fight's fair.
Call them out, Mr. Dyer.
I'm, uh, sorry, ma'am?
Cloud!
You and your men come on out!
Oh, shit.
Come on! I know you're there!
- All right, come on out.
- Everyone onto the fairway.
We're securing the perimeter,
Mrs. Cole!
Secure it from there, okay?
Yes, ma'am.
Stay in position.
Hit away, lambkins.
Wait! Wait! Wait for the bounce.
Damn. Take a mulligan.
We're playing for a woman, sir.
There's no mulligans.
Wha...? What do I do?
You've never hit a ball
out of bounds?
Not since I was governor.
You hit another one from here,
shooting three.
- Three?
- Three.
One, two...
...shooting three.
- Excuse me, Mr. President?
- What?
You can't beat him, sir.
What? We're the same handicap.
- Well, your handicap is augmented.
- What are you trying to say?
It was really Miss Sutherland's idea.
She had Dyer and Cloud
and occasionally me...
...we helped you with lucky bounces
and scorecard fudging.
And you can't beat him, sir.
Is there a problem?
No.
No problem.
- That one's in.
- Didn't quite get it on the green.
I'll take it.
You two have helped enough.
Hi, Peggy. Can I get a black coffee?
Sure.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Here you are, dear.
- Thanks.
So I hear they're golfing for mayor.
Actually...
...they're golfing for you.
- No.
- Yeah.
No.
Could I make this an Irish coffee?
This okay?
Oh, that's five.
- That was a gimme.
- No, no, no. There are no gimmes.
It was inside the leather.
You gotta get it in the hole.
I'll take a seven.
Actually, it's 15.
- Fifteen? No way.
- Yes way.
- The president is right. It's seven.
- Yeah, it's seven.
Well, let's count them.
One, out of bounds.
Two, back on the tee.
Three, in the rough.
Four, in the sand.
Five, you missed completely.
Six, almost out of the sand,
but still in it.
Seven, finally, out of the sand...
... into that sand.
Eight, out of the sand...
... into the rough. That's when you
threw your club at the tree.
Nine, you almost hit me.
Ten, you did hit me.
Eleven, on the green.
Twelve, you putt to six feet
past the hole.
That's when you said that curse
that I've never heard before.
Thirteen, you putt to one foot
from the hole.
Fourteen, you missed the putt.
You said, "That's a gimme. "
I said, "There are no gimmes. "
Fifteen, in the hole.
Fifteen.
That was so close.
All right.
Now, through the sugars.
And then around the saucer...
...and through the ketchup tunnel.
And the winner gets Morris Gutman.
- Married.
- Oh, right. Kent.
Are you trying to get me
to throw the match?
Reuben.
- Who? Who's Reuben?
- Reuben.
"I said, 'Get the president! '"
That's a great idea.
The winner gets Reuben.
Ready?
- Oh, my God.
- That must mean a do over.
Okay, Handy.
You're up about a million strokes.
It's the last hole.
How about double or nothing?
What's double? What's nothing?
Well, nothing is we're even.
Tie. Status quo.
Double would be I back off Sally,
drop out of the mayor's race.
You got it. Okay. Go ahead. You hit.
But, you know...
...if I'm going to risk all that...
...you got to give me something.
You got to...
- Oh, I don't know...
- What?
- One throw.
- Throw?
Yeah, I get one throw because
I can't play you even.
You got local knowledge here.
You're killing me.
He can't throw either. Bury him.
Okay. You get one throw,
but if we tie, I win.
Well, you drive a hard bargain,
but okay.
Yeah, baby.
There's the old form back.
What?
Hey, what are you doing?
Hey! What's that?
I said one throw.
I didn't say whose ball.
You're out of bounds.
Click, click, click.
Morning, sir. Everything all right?
Oh, just dandy.
I'm a 10 handicap and I shot a 142.
We have to have a serious talk
about my handicap, Miss Sutherland.
- Now, Mr. President?
- Later.
I heard you broke even.
At least you didn't lose.
The most humiliating round of my life.
Time to take the gloves off, Bert.
Let's bury this guy.
Well, sir, he's clean as a whistle.
Oh, come on. Surely he did something.
Knocked up a local? Grew marijuana?
Hell, I grew marijuana.
We'll find dirt, Eagle,
even if we have to make it up.
- Exactly.
- I don't believe this.
What?
Mr. President...
...I'm giving my notice.
- Your notice?
Yes, I can't work here any longer.
Are you drunk, for God's sakes?
We've been together 15 years.
Yes, exactly. And in all that time,
you have never once gone negative...
...at least not first.
And you have never, ever stooped
to threats or harassment.
Grace, he brought in Charlotte.
Charlotte.
If that's not harassment, what is?
Mr. President, you have two days,
two hours and 21 minutes...
...until this election is over...
...and then I'm gone.
What's that?
- I think she quit, sir.
- Not that. That.
Oh, this? It's the new poll.
- Five points.
- Five?
- Down.
- What's the sample size?
Come on, Bert, what's the sample size?
- Everybody.
- Everybody? This is a disaster!
Not to pile on, but I'm worried
about the book deals too.
Crap! It's like some
mythic Greek puzzle.
The riddle of the handyman.
Somewhere, the answer.
Sir, let's not panic. This isn't over.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
- What's wrong with us?
- What?
I'll give it to him. It's that simple.
Wait, you don't mean quit.
You can't quit, Eagle.
I wouldn't quit.
That's the beauty of it.
I'll say how qualified he is.
How he's the best man for the job.
And tonight at the debate,
I'll throw him my support.
If I win, I win. But if I lose...
...it's because I made the most
magnanimous gesture in political history.
And people took my advice.
- It's brilliant, sir.
- Thank you.
And then I'd get the girl...
- Sally.
- Sally. Right.
Sally. Hey, hi. I'm here.
I'm getting ready for the debate.
- Want to come in?
- No, I'm gonna get going.
- See you.
- Hold it. What's going on?
What's all this stuff?
Oh.
I, um...
I won Reuben in a putting contest so I
have to make room for some of his stuff.
- You what?
- I know.
I mean, can you imagine someone
actually playing golf to win a person?
No. Don't insult me
by trying to defend this...
...because if I let myself dwell on it,
I'm gonna just lose it.
- But Sally, it wasn't... Easy.
- I said, no.
I just want to settle this amicably, okay?
There's your stuff.
My stuff? Hold on. Hold on.
This is yours.
Remember? From me.
Christmas.
Don't you remember?
That was the year the power went out.
We had that big snowstorm,
and we were so frustrated.
We couldn't turn this on and watch it.
And the power came back,
and we turned it on.
And you looked so beautiful...
...by the light of it.
And then we...
...you know...
...by the light of it.
I remember.
And then we stayed up all night
and talked.
Yeah. Yeah.
Do you remember what
we talked about?
The future.
We talked about the future, Handy.
Sally, wait.
I don't want to wait anymore.
- Good luck at the debate.
- Are you coming?
She's not coming.
All right, guys, that's it.
We go in two minutes.
Two minutes, Mr. President.
Excuse me, sir.
I'm shaking. I can't go to
the bathroom, I'll pee all over.
- Relax, honey.
- I'm not ready for this.
Two minutes, Handy.
Be on your toes. Be sharp. You may have
won the first debate, but he's a python.
Gentlemen, I believe we're ready.
It's starting!
Live from the seaport town of
Mooseport, Maine: The mayoral debates.
With your candidates: Monroe "Eagle"
Cole and Harold "Handy" Harrison.
We take you now to your moderator,
Avery Hightower.
Good evening, I'm Avery Hightower.
I am honored to moderate...
...the second and final
Mooseport mayoral debate.
As is tradition, we will start with
a game of Rock Paper Scissors.
Handy, not scissors.
Gentlemen.
Mr. Hightower, could I...? I'd like to
make a statement first, if that's okay.
- Mr. President?
- That's fine. I have a statement also.
- Just... Okay? Thank you.
- All right. Yes. Gentlemen.
Hey. Hi, everybody.
I just want to say one thing.
I'm a little embarrassed about the way
I've been running my campaign.
An election, it shouldn't be about
personalities, you know? Or golf.
Or who we're dating.
Sally, if you're watching this...
... I was wrong to bring
our relationship into this.
I'm sorry.
I guess I did it again. I just brought
our relationship into it again.
So I'm sorry for that too.
I guess what I want to say is...
...an election should be about the town.
It should be about what we need...
...and how we can work together
to get things done.
The president can do
great things for us.
- Son of a...
- Bitch.
Having him as a mayor, it's an opportunity
that we can't pass up, folks.
Yeah, that's right!
Tomorrow morning...
...I'm going to the polls...
...and I'm casting my vote
for the president...
...Monroe Cole...
...for the mayor of Mooseport.
Son of a bitch.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...what you've just seen
is a selfless act.
Handy Harrison is Mooseport.
He is Mooseport.
He knows its problems.
He knows its pulse.
He knows its plumbing.
As only a person who lives here can.
So tomorrow morning...
...I'm going to the polls,
and I'm walking into that booth...
...and opening that ballot,
that simple piece of paper...
...that our forefathers gave
their lives to secure...
...and I'm casting my vote
for Harrison.
Harold "Handy" Harrison.
Let's hear it.
Man, he's good.
What you've just seen, ladies and
gentlemen, is politics at its finest.
Politics as it should be.
You did good.
Harrison.
That was something, Mr. President.
You son of a bitch! You knew I was
gonna do that, so you did it first!
- I didn't. How could I know?
- You bugged me!
What we have witnessed,
on this rare night...
Bugged you? What are you
talking about? I'm not doing anything.
...is a show of decency...
- Let me go!
...a show of inclusiveness...
- Get your hands off of him!
...a show of mutual respect.
Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
Let go of me!
It's time to follow their example.
It's time...
Let go of him!
Mr. President, are you okay?
I'll get it off, Mr. President.
Get it off me!
- Danny, you see that debate last night?
- Did I? Was anybody hurt?
Miraculously not.
Only minor bruises and abrasions.
Any idea what the heck happened?
- They're saying it was a freak accident.
- Very freaky.
Apparently the stage rigging snapped...
... and fell on the candidates
while they shook hands.
Wow. Well, you know what we say:
It's Mooseport.
Polls open in 20 minutes,
Mr. President.
- How about a little music to vote by.
- Good idea.
- Morning, sir.
- Morning, Mr. President.
Cloud, pull over here, will you?
How's your nose?
It's okay. How's your lip
and your back?
It's just the lip...
...and it's fine.
Well, I just assumed your back hurt,
because, you know...
...Irma jumping on it.
Well...
...see you at the poll.
You want to hit a few?
What, just hit them in the water?
Yeah. It's...
Martha's into scuba...
...and in the spring she puts on
a wetsuit and she goes and gets them.
Somehow or another I can't picture
Martha in a wetsuit.
Yeah, well, you're lucky.
I can't not picture her.
All right.
Oh! You topped,
pulled and hooked it all in one.
Here. Let me show you. Mr. President,
you've shaken a lot of hands.
Shake hands with the club.
- Like this?
- Yes. Now, just look at the ball...
...and picture like it's
the former first lady.
Just whack it.
You bloodsucking vampire!
You two had issues.
Oh, Jesus.
So...
...how come you didn't ask her?
- Ask her what?
- You know.
I don't know. I probably should've.
Scared, I guess.
Well, marriage is a scary thing.
I'd be the first one to tell you that.
But once in a while...
...there comes along that special girl.
Well, no, I mean, that's just it.
I mean, she is special.
I just figured, eventually...
...she'll find somebody else.
And, you know, you always hope
that next guy will be some loser...
...not the president.
Handy...
...on the 16th hole of our match,
you laid up.
Yeah. I remember, I did.
- But you played it safe.
- So? You ended up in the water.
I never would've been president of
the United States if I'd have laid up.
Sometimes you just gotta
go for the green.
Let's go vote.
- Out of the way!
- Here he is!
Hank, get them out of the way!
Hold them back!
Mr. President! Over here,
we have some questions.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
Please step back. No comments
today. There'll be no questions.
There'll be chances to get wonderful
photos as soon as he's ready.
Please, one picture!
Mr. President, over there.
The pageantry of...
...democracy.
That's why we... That's why
we love Mooseport so much.
Once a politician...
...always a politician.
It's 10 minutes past the hour...
... and there are 20 minutes left before
the polls close in Mooseport, Maine.
With the former president's campaign
spending millions on advertising...
... it's amazing that Handy's grass-roots
campaign still has them neck and neck.
It was so beautiful.
Hello.
Spectacular, isn't it?
- I was thinking about...
- For once, don't talk, please.
- What?
- Just listen. Okay? Can you do that?
A long while back my mom
asked me what I saw in you.
You probably find it hard to believe
that anybody could ask such a thing...
...but she did.
"I see a man I admire," I told her.
"A flawed man, certainly,
but a man with principles. "
Since this Handy thing...
...I've seen a man who only cares
about ego and power.
A man who will stoop to anything...
...to win a position
he doesn't even want...
...from someone he probably
shouldn't even beat.
And it angers me. And it upsets me.
- Oh, and mostly it just makes me sad.
- Grace...
Because you used to be
better than that, Monroe.
You really were.
And that is no handshake,
you son of a bitch.
Sugar, Mr. President?
Oh, three, please.
No, no, no. One.
- Morning, Mr. President.
- Good morning.
- Where's Grace?
- I don't know, sir.
Could you find her, please?
Yes, sir. Let's go.
We gotta get moving. They want you
down in town for the announcement.
Announcement? I can't expose myself
to that without knowing who won.
They won't tell me, Eagle.
I've done everything...
...short of bribing them with a year's
supply of beer and night crawlers...
...but I'll get down there
and work on it.
Get on that toga and get down
to that circus, Eagle. Please, sir.
Sally...
Handy, you back here?
- It's time, man.
- Yeah, I know.
Come on. Don't you want to find out
if you won? Or lost? Badly?
- Yeah. Go ahead.
- No, I'll wait for you.
- I'll meet you there.
- I want to.
- No, go.
- You're my ride, man.
- Come on.
- Okay. All right. Let's go. Come on.
In a few moments, former President Cole
and Handy Harrison are due to arrive.
Will big politics and big money carry
the day? Or will the little man prevail?
- We shall soon see.
- Testing. Testing.
We're just about ready to start.
And I think I see the president
coming now!
Oh, there's Handy.
- Hey, did you see Sally?
- No.
When you see her,
just let me know, okay?
Mr. President, Handy,
please come up here, okay?
Sir, the yellow speech is if you win.
The blue one is if you...
Should I get out of your eyeline, sir?
Come on, Bullard.
- How you doing?
- How you doing?
Handy, you're the man!
In the 240-year history
of our fair Mooseport...
...there has never been
a more exciting mayoral race.
Mr. President. Handy.
My fellow citizens,
the new mayor of Mooseport is...
...Monroe Cole!
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
As I'm sure you all know, this was
Mooseport's largest election turnout ever.
- How big a margin?
- Real tight. But the win's the thing.
- It was so close.
- Well, that's something, right?
In the end, the president won
by one vote!
You won by one vote.
One vote? Oh, my God.
It doesn't get any closer.
Ladies and gentlemen...
- One vote.
... the 23rd mayor of Mooseport:
Monroe "Eagle" Cole!
Thank you, Morris.
Thank you, everybody.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...once again, the great
American electoral process has...
Folks, you know...
...a little while ago, a person
who has been with me for years...
...a person who I trust
like no one else...
...reminded me of my principles...
...shook some sense into me.
So I have a confession to make.
I said...
...that I would vote for Handy.
I didn't. I voted for myself.
So my first act as mayor...
...is to turn the job over to the
rightful winner, Handy Harrison.
Handy, come on over here.
Let's hear it for Handy.
- All right!
- Come on.
Mr. President...
Attaboy, Handy!
Folks, I have a confession
to make also.
- I voted for myself too.
- What?
You won this thing fair and square,
Mr. President.
So my first act as mayor is to turn the
job back over to the rightful winner...
...Mr. Monroe Cole!
There's no beating you, is there?
Not on this one, sir.
All right, I accept.
No, he won.
Tell HarperCollins Random House
is back up to 20 mil.
Yes, please do.
And tell them to send me half.
See you in D.C.
- Any sign of her?
- Agent Cloud found her at the airport.
- Airport? Come on, let's get moving.
- You got it.
Look, Sally...
I don't know...
- Hey, Handy, nice try.
- Thank you.
- Hi, Handy.
- Hi, Sophie. Hi.
Look, Sally...
...how you doing?
God, just do it.
- Just do it.
- Handy, I just saw what you did!
- I couldn't believe it!
- Thank you, Reuben.
I voted for you!
Oh, well, you don't even like me. Sorry.
What?
No.
Please, please, please. No!
Oh! Nice!
Ladies and gentlemen...
...Trans Capital flight 27 to Dulles
has been delayed.
Please bear with us and we'll let
you know as soon as we know.
- Oh, man.
- Grace?
- Grace?
- Here, Mr. President.
- What are you doing here?
- I gave my notice, remember?
Oh, Grace. Come back.
No.
- No.
- Grace...
...look at me.
I'll never have more than one sugar in
my coffee ever again, if you'll have me.
And no salt.
The former president of the United
States is down on his knees.
And that's no handshake, either.
- I'll go down on my knees again.
- No, no.
You certainly took your time.
What if my plane had left?
Oh, you haven't heard.
I'm the mayor now.
This is Cloud. Clear the flight.
Turns out I have a little bit of pull
at this airport now.
Flight 27 passengers,
we've now been cleared for takeoff.
Congratulations, Mr. President.
That would be,
"Congratulations, Mr. Mayor. "
Congratulations, Mr. Mayor.
Great.
Congratulations, Mr. Mayor.
Come on.
Are you doing the plumbing
for the town?
No. I came to see you.
- Through the drain?
- Just one second.
Look, Sally...
...I was gonna prepare
this whole speech.
What?
I was gonna prepare
this whole speech.
But I think it's better if I
just say this out of the moment.
All right.
The truth is, you're beautiful.
And you're smart and wonderful.
And I'm not...
- I'm not.
- Handy, I...
Hang on, because I'm
in the moment now.
This whole thing, it's made me
take a pretty hard look at myself.
And I'm not smart
and I'm not beautiful.
But hell, I just beat the most
popular president in history.
So...
...maybe I'm okay.
- Almost.
You almost beat him.
Sally, between me and you,
just our little secret...
...I beat him.
Do you think I'd have voted for myself
after I told the whole town I wouldn't?
You gave it away?
- Why?
- Because he needs it, I don't.
I only need you.
And that's...
That's my speech.
Oh, Handy.
Hold on. I got...
I got you something.
- Dirt?
- No.
It's dirty, but...
Look, I don't know how you feel.
- Is that a "yes" kiss?
- Yes.
It's dirty now, but it's...
- It's really... It's beautiful.
- It's beautiful.
It's big and... That's not just one
diamond, there's diamonds on the side.
It's diamonds and mud.
Did I say in the speech...? I forgot the
whole part about how much I love you.
I didn't say it, but... Yes, I didn't...
You know, there's no...
I didn't make a word thing out of it,
but you can't even measure it.
It's like... Like, if you take the sun...
You can take the heat
from that sun and you...
If you put all of that
in a love container, you...
- Got it. Yes.
- You get it?
But you said yes anyway. So this
is all extra. It's like a bonus to it.
- My heart's beating fast.
- Let's go.
Plunger, come on. Come on.
How'd it get in the sewer?
Oh, that's... You know,
things just happen to me. Yeah.
Did I happen to notice
you're wearing a thong?
My God! Are you okay?
- You did it again.
- I barely touched you.
If this marriage is gonna work, you have
to realize how strong you are, okay?
You're stronger than me. Accept it.
- I'm not stronger than you.
- You are.
- I'm a girl.
- That's right.
So it hurts physically and emotionally.
Come on, boys.
What about this? Bow on my head.
A bow on your... In white, I'd buy it.
- I'm serious.
- I like that neckline.
Excuse me, ladies.
- Is Handy around?
- Handy?
You've got company.
- How you doing?
- Congratulations, Handy.
You almost beat the most popular
president in history.
- Thank you. No hard feelings, right?
- Are you kidding?
Let me cut to the chase.
What are you doing in about two years?
- What do you mean?
- How does "Governor Harrison" sound?
Governor?
Yeah, no. Thank you.
We've got a real possibility here.
Thank you. I appreciate that you're
thinking about me and everything...
...but I'm kind of happy
right where I am.
Well, I'll respect that. Okay.
Have a good day.
Hey, hold on one second.
Let me just ask you.
Can a governor...
...kind of tell a mayor what to do?
Oh, yeah.
What...? I thought I... I told you...