My day starts at 6:30 AM.
I don't need an alarm clock.
I wake up everyday
and dress for my role as CEO.
That means 50
tailored suits at all times.
Right now I have 54.
Dress shirts,
very important - 128.
Crisp white, always best;
An occasional
pale yellow or blue.
Now a tie says
everything about a man.
Silk...
Ties should only be silk.
Eighty stripes, a dozen soft.
Oh, and one rogue paisley
my sister bought me
in Palm Beach.
Probably hammered at noon.
Shoes:
Black and brown.
Lace-up only.
Well, if this all sounds
like much of the same,
it's because it is...
my routine, my life,
my business.
Served me well for 31 years...
Yet today
I am cashing it all in.
And for the first time
in my life
I'll be working
for someone else.
That's a big change for me...
and I'm not real good
with change...
As you can tell.
Um, too tight.
More.
More.
Stop, too thin.
Go back...
Again...
That's it. Freeze.
Nice.
You're done, thank you.
- Darling, you're late!
- What?
Yes! Remember?
Party tonight.
You go, get dressed, hurry.
Yes, all right.
Jason, what are you doing?
I said leave it right here.
Hello!
Can we have more?
I think we have more.
Go!
Do I have to do
everything myself?
[Knock on door]
Yes.
You never could
tie a proper knot.
Here, let me.
What am I gonna do, sis?
Silly question.
You enjoy the company
of your friends, darling.
I'm not talking about tonight.
I'm talking about tomorrow.
What are you
trying to say, Paulie?
They retired me today.
- What!
- Yes.
Oh, Christ.
Okay, I'm gonna have
a nervous breakdown.
- Can they do that?
- They can and they did.
Yeah, but do we
still get the money?
Yes, we get the money.
Oh, okay... Okay.
Then you know what? So what!
You are a successful man.
And that's what we are here
to celebrate tonight - you.
My gorgeous brother.
All right, you ready?
I'm ready.
Let's knock 'em dead.
Here he is people,
the toast of the town.
[Applause]
Thank you very much.
Albert...
Good to see you.
Thank you. Nice tuxedo.
Congratulations, darling!
Oh, thank you very much!
You remember my sister, Irene.
Irene, as beautiful as ever!
How long has it been?
- Every bit of ten years.
- Ten years?
I don't think
I've been back east
since Bonnie's wedding.
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to find Ben,
while you two, uh, catch up.
You look well.
Thank you.
It really is good to see you.
How's Glen?
Dating a 12-year-old.
Where's a rock
when you need one?
I'm so sorry.
I had no idea.
You know, I just met her.
She calls herself Sky.
- Sky?
- Yeah.
Does she look gorgeous
or what?
Ageless.
You are a good liar, Paul Greco.
- Mr. Paul?
- Yes.
I think we're all set here now.
We'll be heading out.
Oh! I'll walk you out.
- Ladies, if you'll excuse me.
- Surely.
You look fabulous.
So what did he say?
You told him
you were separated, right?
He was very sweet.
Well, if he doesn't
make a move he's crazy.
You are perfect for him!
Even so, don't expect much.
Sally said she dated him
for six months and nada!
Much what?
Come on.
What?
Sex...
Sally said there was never
anything more than a kiss.
Six months!
You know what?
Listen to me.
I heard that
about Paul before anyway.
Well, I haven't.
And let me tell you,
Sally is not Irene.
Picked up this marvelous
minute repeater last week.
Looks like a watch to me.
It's about the complication, Al.
The more complicated
the more expensive?
- Exactly.
- I'll stick to simple.
You always have...
Maybe a little complication
wouldn't be so bad.
[Bell ringing]
Everyone, I'd like
to make a toast!
Does everybody have champagne?
- Of course.
- Excellent.
Paulie, come over here, please.
Oh, I hate this.
I know, I know.
To my dearest brother, Paulie,
who has worked so hard
for so many years...
Thank you for your generosity,
for putting up with me.
Yeah, at least.
And for all that you bring
to all of our lives.
Congratulations and cheers.
Cheers!
Thank you, Elise.
Oh, wait, wait!
Everyone, I forgot!
I have a little token of
appreciation for my brother.
Oh, mother of God,
what is that?
It's called a puppy, dear.
Look, how cute.
What the hell
do I know about dogs?
You dated enough of 'em.
Well, what am I
supposed to do with it?
It's not an it, it's a her.
And you are to walk her
and feed her and love her.
She's all yours.
Does she come with a pre-nup?
Does it have a name?
Whatever you want
to name her, darling.
- She's awfully warm.
- I know.
- Oh, Christ!
- What?
She's pissin' all over me!
Oh, and so adorable.
It's just a tiny little drop.
Just go change
and I'll take care of her.
Thank you, everyone.
Look at her.
Is she adorable or what?
I know.
[Knock on door]
Come in.
Let's go see what daddy's doing.
Yes, you are a sweet thing.
I know. I love you too.
Tomorrow that is going
back where she came from.
Come on, Paul.
Just give her a chance.
God, you loved Bailey
when we were kids.
- You lived for that dog.
- I was a kid.
Now I'm a middle-aged man
with a hernia.
I mean, really, Elise,
what the hell were you thinking?
That you're a middle-aged man
with a hernia, who lives alone,
and could use a little
regular companionship.
Come on, Paul.
Look at her.
Look at that face.
I think she loves you already.
Come on, here you go.
- Is that lipstick?
- Um-hmm.
I'll tell you what...
Why don't you just
keep her for a month
and then if it
doesn't work out,
I'll take her, okay?
- Do I have a choice?
- No.
Trust me...
You will love her.
Now that you're retired
you have all that time
to get to know each other.
Hmm?
She's fed and walked
and exhausted,
so you don't have to
even think about her
until tomorrow
when the trainer comes.
- Trainer?
- Yeah, Mindy.
She'll be here at 9:00.
She's supposed to be the best.
Now, um, what else?
Oh, I put wee-wee pads
on the kitchen floor,
and, um, gave her
a bowl of water...
So she should be just fine.
Right, sweetie?
Just check on her
when you get up in the morning.
It was a gorgeous party.
- If you do say so yourself.
- Yes.
Night.
Oh, and do me a favor
and think of a name.
Can't call her 'it' forever.
See ya later.
All right, darling, good night.
Good night.
[Dog whining, crying]
Christ! What?
What? What is wrong?
What do you want?
Come on.
There.
Good morning, Mr. Paul!
Good morning, Claire!
I'm gonna put
the coffee right up.
Oh, brother!
Who gonna care for that thing?
I'm not picking up no
dog business in this house.
No disrespect, Mr. Paul,
but I'm not doing that.
Claire, relax.
Sit down, meet her.
What she name?
Haven't decided.
She not a bad looking thing.
Coffee.
Oh, brother!
This whole thing
got Miss Elise name
written all over it.
You're right about that.
[Phone ringing]
I got it.
Hello.
Yes, thank you.
Send her up.
It's the dog beater.
Hi, I'm Mindy.
Come on.
He in here with that thing.
Hi, I'm Mindy.
Hello, I'm Paul Greco.
Well, hi!
Aren't you a pretty girl!
And what is your name?
Lt.
Well, she, technically.
Well, we must
give you a name.
What are your thoughts?
I really haven't any.
Okay.
Let's see.
She's got a strong,
little build,
a beautiful face,
and she's very quiet.
What does that bring to mind?
The perfect wife.
Now, wouldn't that
be Mrs. Greco?
I think that's exactly right.
So I guess that's you -
Mrs. Greco.
Oh, I'm sorry...
No, that's a perfect suggestion.
You're serious about that?
Mrs. Greco.
Absolutely.
You know, it's usually better
to have a one-word name,
like Spot or Buttercup.
It's much easier
for the dog to understand.
I just...
I don't know if
the name 'Mrs. Greco'
would be the most desirable.
Mindy, there's 100 old dogs
within one square block
that desire nothing more
than the name 'Mrs. Greco.'
Shall we?
Okay.
Well, today we're going to teach
Mr. Greco and Mrs...
Uh, Paul. Please.
Sorry.
Paul and Mrs. Greco when
and where to sissy and poopy.
Well, I've a few very simple
steps you must practice,
and if you stick with it...
and most importantly
be consistent...
she will be housebroken
in no time at all.
Stay.
Good stay!
We want to reinforce
good behavior
with the tone of our voice.
We want to sound happy
when we reinforce good behavior.
We must always communicate with
the dog at the time of action.
Time of action.
Got it.
The first thing
we must teach her
is the distinction
between inside and outside.
So every time you cross the
threshold to leave the building,
right at the time of action,
I want you to say, "Outside."
And every time you cross
the threshold to come back
into the building,
I want you to say...
"Inside."
Yes! Very good.
I'm a quick study.
The point is to try
to catch her in the act.
When you do
catch her going sissy,
in a happy voice, say,
"A sissy, sissy...
A sissy, sissy,"
until she is done.
Only do this
at the time of action.
Same goes if you
catch her pooping.
In a happy voice say,
"A poopy, poopy...
A poopy, poopy,"
until she is done.
So stay consistent
and she'll make the connection.
Okay.
Inside, outside...
sissy, and poopy,
time of action,
be consistent.
You are a quick study!
Thank you, Mr., uh, Paul.
It was such a pleasure
meeting you both.
Oh, here's my card.
If you have any questions,
just call me.
Take care.
Thank you.
Morning, Mr. Greco.
Who do we have here?
It's a real beauty.
Boy or girl?
Girl.
Aw, what's her name?
Mrs. Greco.
Mrs. Greco...
Well, I know a lotta ladies
are gonna be jealous of you.
She's a real beauty, Mr. Greco.
Good luck with her.
Thank you.
- Outside...
- Mr. Greco!
- Good morning, sir.
- Morning.
Okay, do your thing.
You wanna walk.
Okay, we'll walk.
Yeah, no -
No, no, no!
That's bad.
Sorry.
Oh, hi.
I'm Andy.
This is Bean.
He's kind of a snob,
but he plays well with others.
Paul Greco.
That's Mrs. Greco.
Oh, well,
aren't we formal, missy?
Hey, would you care to sit?
Yeah. Sure.
Come on...
Come on.
Here, may I?
I could tie her up
so they can play together.
Oh...
It's not a bad idea.
Come here.
Say hi, Bean.
Wow, she is adorable.
What, about 14 weeks?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Bean is almost two.
Really?
So how does your wife feel about
sharing her name with the dog?
What?
Oh...
That is the only Mrs. Greco.
Interesting.
Your name again?
Andy.
Yes.
So, Paul,
do you live around here?
Right there.
Um, me?
Oh, well, I actually
live right over there.
It's very nice.
So I've never seen you
in the park before.
Dog.
Right.
So now you're one of us.
Pardon?
The dog people.
Excuse me?
One of the regulars, you know.
Oh.
Dogs have to go out everyday.
You do know that, right?
Seriously?
I have to do this every day?
Well...
Oh, here, let me.
Thank you.
It was very nice meeting you.
Goodbye, Mrs. Greco.
Say bye, Bean.
Come on.
Good... Good girl!
A sissy, a sissy, sissy!
Inside...
Inside!
I feel like an idiot.
Morning.
That you, Mr. Paul?
And Mrs. Greco.
Miss Elise be calling you twice.
I told her you were
with that thing at the park.
And your nephew called.
He wanna stop by or something.
Brian called? When?
Just now.
Brian! Where are you?
[Shutter clicks]
Oh, always with the pictures.
Come here.
Always, you know that.
You know, you're such
a good looking boy.
But what's with the shirt?
You can't press your shirt?
No, it's made to look like this?
Intentionally wrinkled?
Can you at least tuck it in?
You know, it's much more
contemporary these days
to wear a shirt out.
You should try it;
you'd look hip.
Yeah, I don't think
I'm ready for hip.
All right, all right.
We'll consider you
a work in progress.
The party was terrific,
by the way.
No, no, no.
Not you too, Uncle Paul.
I know. Your mother can be
a little difficult sometimes.
A little.
But you need to work harder
to find common ground with her.
Common ground?
We don't agree on anything.
And it's like she has this
picture in her head of what,
what she thinks
I'm supposed to be,
what she thinks is
socially acceptable.
You know, of what
she thinks is important.
I know.
But you still
have to talk to her.
I mean, why doesn't she
want me to be happy?
You know she wants
you to be happy.
Yeah, she just has that
funny way of showing it.
So...
How's biz?
[Shutter clicks]
- Sold.
- Yeah?
All right.
I'm not nearly as happy about it
as I thought I would be.
But...
I'm sorry, I don't get it.
You worked like a dog
your entire life.
I bet you made a killing.
Hmm?
You're not happy?
Well, I'm not not happy.
Oh.
I guess I wasn't...
prepared for this.
You should reinvent yourself.
Listen, I went through
four years of law school
practically on auto-pilot.
But one day when I was
in the lab, you know,
just hanging up
a bunch of photographs
that I'd never even
developed before...
I stood there, you know,
just staring at
all of this work.
I realized something that I
never even knew about myself.
That I was a photographer...
an artist.
And what has that gotten you?
A job at the passport office.
[Chucking]
Personal satisfaction.
Oh, and did I mention
a gallery show?
What?
- Seriously?
- Um-hmm.
It's called "Works on Paper."
Still under construction...
maybe another
six to eight weeks...
but they want me to be
their opening show.
Congratulations!
Do you have a theme?
Truth...
People...
Emotionally exposed,
naked, real.
Gritty, you know.
Oh, I think I understand.
- I'm not sure your mother will.
- Exactly.
That's the story
of our whole relationship.
It's like I'm a work
of contemporary art...
An abstraction
she will never understand.
[Shutter clicks]
Oh, shit!
It's almost 2:00.
Claire!
Got to take her out.
I'd like you to meet Mrs. Greco.
- You're serious?
- Um-hmm.
Now that's a fuckin' hoot.
I thought so.
I'm gonna call Chip,
have him send someone up
to take this thing out.
All right, thank you.
Well, thanks, Uncle Paul.
I'll see you at
the birthday brunch,
if not sooner?
Okay.
[Knocking]
Auntie Roz, Auntie Roz!
Go get her!
Hey! Hi, Bean.
Are we drinking yet?
Grab a glass.
Oh... I am exhausted.
I just did seven laps
around the park.
- Do I look fat?
- No.
You didn't even look at me.
You're not fat.
- You always say that.
- Because you're not fat!
Hey, how did it go?
Did you deliver the copy?
The art director
rewrote every word
and now it sounds like shit.
And then she tells me,
"You did a fabulous job."
Ohh!
I walked out and reprogrammed
her number in my phone
to 'do not answer'.
Wait a second,
wait a second...
Isn't 'do not answer'
that other guy, cubby thumbs?
I hate that you pay attention.
Derrick.
But I'm abundantly certain
he will never call me again.
And you say that because?
Because I told him,
"Never call me again."
Hey, weren't you supposed
to get your hair done today?
Um... I cancelled.
I'm so busy
at the gallery, so...
Are you blacklisted
from the salon yet?
Oh my gosh! I just remembered!
I may have a guy for you.
No, seriously -
this new artist I just signed.
He's a little young,
but delicious.
How young is a little young?
I don't know -
late 20s, early 30s.
- No.
- Oh, come on!
Since when do you
care about age?
It's dick! Isn't that the goal?
No setups.
Nothing staged.
Deal...
To dick.
To dick.
Oh, sorry!
No!
Must be puppy love.
Yeah.
May I?
Uh, yeah. Certainly.
So, what's the hot news?
Oh, I haven't
the slightest idea.
Headline maybe, no?
Nope.
I'm so distracted by the birds
and the people and the trees,
I can't remember
a single word I've read.
I know what you mean.
Ah, it's beautiful here.
So are you new to the city?
I've lived on this park
for almost 30 years.
Wow!
Been building a business.
A few thousand mouths to feed.
Nursing vendors who would
cut out my liver for a nickel.
- Sounds consuming.
- Indeed!
It was my life.
Was?
Regrets?
It was a sacrifice.
I was good at it.
And it was good to me.
So no...
No regrets.
I'm a freelance copywriter.
Advertising agencies mostly,
but some editorial work
here and there.
Ah, creative type.
Yeah.
But I love writing,
so not really work for me.
Morning.
It is a glorious day.
Indeed.
They just cut the grass.
I always looked forward
to that smell as a kid.
Where were you raised?
We grew up in the suburbs.
Do you have any siblings?
Just my brother, Harvey.
Older? Younger?
He would be older.
He died almost 15 years ago.
Hard to believe.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Me too.
I adored my brother.
He was a really
beautiful person.
He was also gay.
Yeah, I, uh...
I suspected you were...
you know.
- Gay?
- Yes.
Two gay boys in one family.
My mother used to
call us double trouble.
You both knew?
Oh, absolutely.
Harvey took me
to my first gay club.
Do you think he
influenced you at all?
No, Paul.
One is not gay by influence.
I was always different.
I felt different...
It just took me
a little while to figure it out.
How about you -
you ever kissed a boy?
Me? No.
- Never?
- Never.
Well, I never kissed a boy...
but I guess a boy
in summer camp
tried to kiss me once.
Tried to kiss you?
I mean, he either
kissed you or he didn't.
I guess he kissed me.
Did you like it?
I punched him in the nose.
Ouch.
You punched your friend
in the nose?
Yes, and I'd do it again.
Are you sure about that?
Goodbye, Andy.
[Phone ringing]
Hello!
Ah, well, I'm glad you're alive.
I've been calling you for days.
And I left four messages
on your cell phone.
I don't even know
why you have one.
I mean, you never answer it,
which you know makes me crazy.
Hi, Elise. How are you?
Don't patronize me, Paul.
I'm concerned about you.
I don't know what you're doing,
I don't know where you are.
Well, you can always
call Claire and talk to her.
I don't want to talk to Claire.
I want to talk to you.
Okay, you have me now.
Talk.
Paulie, how are you?
How's the dog?
What have you been doing?
Absolutely nothing.
Isn't that great?
I walk the dog in the park,
I read the paper, I relax.
Oh, but you know what?
I saw Brian last week
and I have to tell you,
he looks great.
Brian is in town
and he didn't call me?
All right, I, I swear, I'm gonna
have a nervous breakdown.
- It was unexpected.
- You always say that.
You know, you called me.
Was there something
on your mind?
I saw Irene yesterday.
Such a lovely girl.
You think you might call her?
Yeah, I might.
So I'm really looking forward
to next Friday.
You know, we always have
such a good time at Sylvia's.
Oh. Yeah...
Uh, Sylvia's. Sure.
Paul, have you forgotten it?
Next Friday?
We're picking you up, okay?
- Okay.
- All right.
Hey, Paulie...
You please
stay in touch with me.
I will. I promise.
Good night, sis.
One of these days you'll have
to walk on your own, you know.
Good sissy, sissy...
Sissy, sissy.
[Phone ringing]
Hi. It's Andy.
Can't get to
the phone right now,
but leave me a message
and I'll get back to you
as soon as I can.
[Machine beeps]
Hi, Andy.
Are you there?
Okay... It's Derrick.
And I don't know if you
got my other messages,
but I was thinking that,
I don't know,
maybe we could just,
you know.
So call me, okay?
Come on, come here.
- Bye.
- Come on.
Come on.
What's the cap about?
Oh, it's PFLAG.
Are you familiar?
Afraid not.
Parent, Families, and Friends
of Lesbians and Gays.
That would be you.
I volunteer on Tuesday nights.
Oh, certainly.
I think it's very important
to be charitable.
Hmm, it's funny.
I never thought of it
as charity.
Yoo hoo!
Andrew!
Dear, where have you been?
Jasper, uh, this is Paul.
Oh, how nice.
Dear, did Roz tell you
I asked for you?
Uh, no.
Oh, then you
haven't seen her.
She started talking
to me about, I don't know,
en exhibit or something.
And I said,
"Dear, more importantly...
let's talk about your hair."
'Cause it looks like
a giant rat's nest.
I mean, you know,
then she got all snippy with me.
But whatever, I don't care.
So, Paul...
Jasper.
Don't you have somewhere
you need to be?
Oh...
Well, I certainly do.
I'll just let you two
get back to... whatever.
Good to see you, dear.
And to meet you, Paul.
Whatever, goodbye.
Well, I have to run.
Oh.
Don't worry,
I'll take care of it.
Thank you.
I, uh, really hate to rush off
like this, but...
I'll see you.
See you tomorrow?
Hi.
It's only 9:30.
You're early.
I'm usually here by 9:00.
Really?
Oh...
And I just thought
you missed me.
Well, I'll tell you
who I don't miss,
and that's that
friend of yours - Jackson?
Jasper.
Yeah, I could tell that
he made you uncomfortable.
Just not my cup of tea,
that's all.
Why is that?
Andy, he, he's too...
You know.
- Gay?
- Yes.
I'm gay.
Well, you're different.
Oh? And how is that?
You're not all 'neeeeuh,'
you know?
I see.
Are you ashamed to be seen
with someone who's all...
you know?
No. I'm not.
It just turns me off,
that's all.
You know, Andy,
I understand the concept
of a man loving a man.
What I don't understand
is why loving a man
means you have to
wiggle when you walk.
You know...
I think I've detected a little
wiggle in your walk lately.
Bullshit!
The fact that I've been
thinking about you
doesn't translate
into my walk.
You've been
thinking about me?
I'm thinking about this
whole fucking thing.
I don't know how to navigate
my feelings around this.
Feelings?
I have been one way
my whole life, Andy.
And now,
in the smallest way,
I'm confused.
- Confused?
- About you.
Me...
Us.
Us?
What's next?
Next...
Are you mocking me?
No.
No. Uh, I'm...
Uh, sorry, I'm just in
a little bit of shock here.
Oh.
Sorry, I...
No, no, no.
I mean, don't be sorry.
It's...
I mean, you're great.
You're sweet...
and you're handsome.
It's just that, you know,
you're, you know.
- What?
- Hello!
Straight.
That's true.
Though I have had
questions along the way.
You have?
I've caught myself...
thinking about it now and again.
But, uh, I just put it
off to curiosity.
I never thought
of myself that way.
Andy, I'm in my 50s.
This is the last thing
I ever expected to happen.
Then you come along
and I don't know what
to think or what to feel.
I don't know what to say
half of the time.
And I sure as shit
don't know what happens next.
Yeah, well,
that makes two of us.
You have the loveliest knee.
I never noticed before.
Well, here he is.
Irene!
What a lovely surprise.
- Evening, Paul.
- Albert.
Hello, Paul.
You look very handsome.
And you look
as lovely as always.
I brought two
fabulous bottles of Zin
and the most gorgeous cashews
you have ever seen.
Good idea.
It'll be the only
edible thing all night.
Oh, Paul, stop it.
You weren't expecting me,
were you?
To be honest, no.
But I'm delighted
you're with us, nonetheless.
[Knock on door]
- Hi!
- Hi!
Okay, let me see it.
Hi, Beanie-weenie.
I like it.
No, you don't.
Does it make me look fat?
Yes, I like it.
No, it does not
make you look fat.
Why?
Because you are not fat.
Ohh!
I miss you, you little shit.
Where've you been?
I've been around.
Where have you been?
Ugh, I've been trying
to hire an assistant.
The art school
sent me ten possibilities.
Six straight - pass;
three no-shows.
I only have one left.
I'm praying that he's gay.
Nothing's easy.
Except for me.
And still I am not getting laid!
You know, I really do like it.
It doesn't look like
a rat's nest at all.
Rat's nest?
- Jasper.
- Aah!
I would rather dive
head first into my own vomit
than be within
ten feet of that queen.
He found me sitting with
a friend in the park.
A friend?
A new friend?
Ah, now that
is the $10 million question!
Tell me everything.
Spare no details.
Okay.
He is nothing
like you would expect.
He is interesting
and worldly and...
Worldly?!
What kind of guy are
you describing as worldly?
Who is he? Methuselah?
Paul...
Paul Greco.
He's in his 50s,
but intelligent
and sophisticated and...
Oh, shit!
You're serious.
I know.
But there's a catch. He's...
Missing a limb?
An eyeball?
Oh! A testicle?
He's straight.
Straight?
Paul Greco?
You know him?
I mean, it sounds familiar,
but that's not the point.
Honey, don't you see?
There is something wrong
with every man that you meet.
And I'm not sure what it's gonna
take for you to meet Mr. Right,
but it's certainly
not gonna be Mr. Straight.
He may not be entirely straight.
Well, I mean, if he's
not entirely straight,
he's not entirely gay either.
Don't you see?
It could be perfect...
He's not straight-acting
because he's not acting.
He's always been straight -
or at least thought he was.
If he turns out to be gay,
it's like I get
a gay straight man.
It's perfect.
Okay. You sound crazy.
I know it sounds crazy,
but I, uh,
I think he may be coming out.
Coming out? Over 50?
If that's not dragging it
across the finish line,
I don't know what is.
He's 50, not dead!
Besides, he's handsome
and sexy...
in his very straight
sort of way.
See? There lies the irony.
You love straight men,
I love gay men.
What is wrong with me?
Oh, please, just leave it
about me for one minute!
All right, all right.
Let's just say for
argument sake that he is gay...
What's your game plan?
I don't know.
Maybe we'll just have dinner
and end up being friends.
Honey, you want my advice?
Friends you have;
it's a lover you need.
[Knock on door]
Oh, come in!
- Hi.
- Hi, Shmunny.
Oh, hi, punny.
Your purse was ringing.
Oh, thanks. You're a doll.
- Grab a glass.
- Oh, sorry I took so long.
Why don't I ever hear that
when we're having sex?
Shut up.
At least you're having sex.
So you think he's ever done it?
I mean, with a guy.
Absolutely not.
Really?!
Wait...
Have you done it with a guy?
Well, I mean,
as a kid we all experimented.
I rest my case.
Well, uh, even still...
There's no such thing
as safe sex.
That's the reason
even to still have sex.
You don't think the old bird
still has some juice?
You two are disgusting.
Stop!
I mean, I am not worried about
him getting it up physically.
I am worried about him
getting up emotionally.
Right, exactly.
There's no pill for
emotional understableability.
Wait...
You think he's for real?
I don't know.
But I'm going to find out.
I'm going to ask him on a date.
Do you think
he's ready for that?
I'm not sure that
he's ready for anything.
But I am not going to play
footsies for another month
to find out.
Well, when are you
gonna ask him?
Tomorrow.
For when?
Next Thursday.
Oh, I'm in New York
next Thursday.
Ding, ding, ding, ding!
Oh, you're vicious.
You are vicious.
I can't believe you.
Let's go, Shmun,
it's getting late.
Oh, no!
No, no, no.
We have to go.
Oh, all right.
Thank you for coming over.
Good night, angel.
I want notes.
Or take notes
'cause I want the details.
I can't feel my lips.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Oh, my shoes.
Don't worry,
I will clean up.
Okay, bye.
Thank you.
What are you doing?
Checking out Mr. Straight.
Roz.
Shit! This guy's a heavy hitter.
Charity parties...
Wow, he's good looking.
Benefactor.
I gotta remember to put him
on the mailing list.
Roz, come to bed.
I don't know.
This guy's a serious socialite.
I just...
I don't get it.
Well, Andy is a big boy.
He can handle it himself.
And what about you?
Any luck with your interviews?
Oh, no, they're all horrid.
I'm down to the last one.
Well, perfect.
You only need one.
- Good night, sweetheart.
- Good night.
Good morning.
Morning.
Been here long?
Not too long.
- Andy...
- So Paul...
Oh, sorry. You first.
No.
No, no, please.
How about dinner on Thursday?
I know it's short notice so...
Yes.
I would like that.
Really? Are you sure?
It's just dinner,
so if you don't want to do it.
Andy. Yes.
I would very much like
to have dinner with you.
Oh, okay.
Great.
Whew!
Sorry, I was
totally prepared for a no.
Why?
I just didn't expect
you to be so... receptive.
Well, it's dinner, right?
- Absolutely.
- Okay.
[Knock on door]
Andy?
Andy, are you here?
I think I left my bag.
[Phone ringing]
Hi, it's Andy.
Can't get to
the phone right now,
but leave me a message
and I'll get back to you
as soon as I can.
[Machine beeps]
Andy, are you there?
It's Derrick, okay,
and I don't understand
why you're never home.
What fucking part of
"Never call here again"
don't you understand?
[Line goes dead]
Hello?
I guess that went well.
I almost forgot.
Uh, I brought you a gift.
Here...
Open it.
Oh...
A baseball cap.
I thought it was fun.
It says, ROMA.
It's the
Italian baseball team.
I figured since
you're Italian and all.
I get it.
You know, I haven't had
a baseball cap
since I played in high school.
I bet you were...
a pitcher?
Yes, yes. That's right.
[Mouths 'Thank You']
Well, uh, this is
very, very kind, Andy.
Thank you.
Aren't you gonna try it on?
Oh, I'll try it on
later at home.
Oh, yeah, sure. Later.
Uh, well, um, I have
a massage in a half an hour.
Valentino, he comes once a week.
Beats the shit outta me.
Relieves the tension, you know.
I'm sure.
And, and I, uh,
I won't see you tomorrow.
I have a golf date.
Well, have a ball.
I'll see you on Monday.
All right, yes.
See you next week.
Come on.
Let's go.
- Bye.
- See you next week.
Claire?
No, it's me, dear.
And I might as well be the maid
because I walk in
and it's like she's never here.
And that refrigerator
is a little... ripe.
What are you doing here?
Well, I had a late lunch
in the hotel.
Thought I'd stop by.
I saw Valentino.
My God, has he
ever gotten chubby.
Oh, listen, um,
this package came for you.
So what did you order
from Video Village?
That's a, uh, uh,
an exercise video.
- Thank you.
- Oh, how odd.
Strange...
Oh, by the way...
I spoke to Irene.
Paul... Paul!
Paulie?
Paul, I'm talking...
Excuse me.
That side of
the threshold, please.
Hmm!
Paul...
I couldn't help
but notice this baseball cap.
Is this for Brian?
No.
That's mine,
thank you very much.
[Chuckling]
- That's funny.
- What's so funny?
I can't wear
a damn baseball cap?
Oh, honey, please.
Unless you're Steven Spielberg
or going bald or G-A-Y,
no self-respecting
elderly gentleman
wears a baseball cap.
I'm 55.
Well, maybe you should
give that to Brian, hmm?
And maybe you should
mind your own business.
- Well, excuse me!
- I'm serious, Elise.
I did not appreciate that
setup with Irene last night.
Just listen to me, Paulie.
I love you madly,
but this is enough.
Now you cannot
live alone forever.
It is simply not practical.
And you need to marry Irene.
She is very, very sweet.
She has terrific style.
Everybody loves her.
She's perfect.
- I don't love Irene!
- Well, that doesn't matter.
What matters is you'll have
a terrific, wonderful companion,
and she'll have a gorgeous life.
It's just a great
arrangement for everyone.
Elise, I swear,
you are certifiably insane.
What is happening to you, Paul?
What with baseball caps
and exercise videos,
and your attitude?
Well, frankly, you know,
I find this behavior
extremely confusing.
Confusing...
That seems to be
the prevailing sentiment.
I do not understand!
And I am just telling you
right now that if
you are even considering having
some sort of a midlife crisis,
then I am going to have
a full-blown nervous breakdown.
Is that the same
nervous breakdown
you've been
working on for 25 years?
This is not a happy face.
And I will see myself out,
thank you.
And don't even think
about calling me.
Do you hear me?
Don't see me out!
[Dialing, phone rings]
Hello.
Hey, handsome.
Andy, I'm so glad you called.
Yeah...
Do you want to come over?
Now?
Now.
Uh, yeah, sure.
I just...
I was getting these
mixed signals and I...
Derrick, do you
want to come over?
Yes or no?
Yes.
Come on, good girl.
Good girl.
- Good morning!
- Hello.
I swear...
If it wasn't nailed down
she'd try to eat it.
Feel like I haven't
seen you in a week.
Oh, are you trying to say
you missed my company?
Something like that.
How was your weekend?
Nice.
Quiet.
Hung out with Roz.
We gabbed about the opening
of her new space.
She got an assistant...
Zach.
So one less drama.
Good.
Remind me to get you
a key to the gallery,
but first go to the distributor,
pick up six more boxes of tile.
Get the name from Joe.
He's the contractor.
I don't, uh, you know -
carry stuff.
Well, tip the Mexican kid
and have him do it.
Just get them here.
Stop at Starbucks
on your way back.
Get me a Venti decaf
fat-free latte, wet.
Then put the boxes
in the back of the gallery.
Do not stack them.
What did I just say?
Get a giant-sized bucket
of colored hot water
and don't stack the boxes.
What are you waiting for -
a gold star?
I need you back here by 11:00.
Move!
I might need more time.
Okay, you've been here
for five minutes.
You don't get to need.
Go on.
- She'll be...
- That's okay, I'm good.
Hey, what did you tell her?
I told her that Timmy
was running behind.
She could call back
in half an hour.
It's his sister.
What? Family?
No, no, no, forget it.
When we're busy,
family gets bumped. Sorry.
I tell them all the time,
"No family when we're busy."
I mean, come on.
So how are you?
I am gonna have
a nervous breakdown.
Okay, so what are we doing?
Uh, I just need a little
touch up right there.
Okay.
So what? Trouble with Albert?
No, no. Al's fine.
He's never a problem.
So what's going on?
Well, I have
a little situation
and I thought maybe
you could help.
Sure. I'm an open book.
Talk.
Well, I assume that you
know some people who are,
you know, G-A-Y.
G-A what?
Gay, Ruthie. Gay.
Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, queer!
I mean, hello!
A little discretion, please.
Oh, my God! You're gay?!
- Oh, Christ.
- That's great!
Oh, I have somebody
fabulous for you.
What do you like?
Uh, like the butchie type
or do you like
the lipstick girlie, girl?
Do I look gay to you, Ruthie?
Do I?
Oh... Sorry.
It's too bad.
So who is it?
Well, he hasn't
exactly told me yet.
Okay, so what do you got?
Well, he's distant,
he's been pulling away,
and he isn't married,
and he's not a kid anymore.
Is that all you got?
He's an artist.
Okay, now that's something.
Yeah...
You know, I've always suspected
ever since he was a little boy.
Listen, I can say this...
As sure as I am that the sun's
gonna set in the east,
there is only one...
The west, Ruthie.
The sun sets in the west.
Really?
Okay, well...
You just gotta talk to him
and tell him it's okay.
What? I can't do that.
I can't condone this.
I'm supposed to
call him up and say,
"Hello, darling, if you want
to have sex with boys,
it's fine with mommy."
Oh, my God! It's your kid?
Your kid is gay?
Oh, my God! That is fabulous.
Her kid...
I know he's hot.
Of course, you people
would think it's fabulous.
Listen, it's not up to him.
He doesn't have a choice.
It's who he is
and you have to accept that.
Ugh!
You ever hear of PFLAG?
No, and I don't think
I like the sound of it either.
No, no, no.
It's for people like you.
People who have a friend
or a family member who's gay
and they don't know
what the hell to do.
Oh.
There's a meeting tomorrow night
at the church across the street.
It's always at 8:30.
What if somebody sees me?
Who's gonna see you?
Do you want to
find out what to do
or you want to have
a nervous breakdown?
Go with me, Ruthie, please.
Oh, no, no, I can't...
Please, Ruthie. Please.
Shit.
Okay, okay.
I'll walk you over,
but that's it.
Okay.
Meet me here at 8:15,
all right?
Here you go.
Keep the change.
Thank you.
You are an angel.
[Whispers]
Have him call me.
Oh, Jesus...
Tomorrow.
Mr. Paul?
Everything's all clean now.
I'll be leaving now.
I'm gonna take
that thing downstairs
and have the boy walk her.
[Movie audio plays]
[Moaning, groaning
[doorbell rings]
[Moaning, groaning continues]
Hello, Mr. Greco.
I brought the Mrs. Back for you.
Thank you very much.
- Is everything all right?
- All right, thank you.
You, missy, are gonna spend
a little time in the kitchen.
[Movie audio plays]
[Moaning, groaning continues]
Oh, uh, thank you.
Nice meeting you.
All right, rambunctious,
here you go.
Sit down. Behave.
Oh, good morning!
Fine.
Who was that?
That was some guy
with a puppy?
Just some guy?
With a puppy.
Something wrong?
Wrong?
Uh, no, just, you know...
I come here everyday,
sit on this bench
and chat with you for a month.
Now you're being all coy
with some guy with a puppy,
but it's,
you know, it's fine.
You should do
whatever you want.
It's just me being ridiculous,
I guess.
Thank you.
Thank you?
Do you know how long it's been
anyone cared that much about me?
Ugh, I feel like such a woman.
Please, don't confuse me
any more than I already am.
That's good.
Uh, I wish I could stay,
but, unfortunately,
I have such a day.
What's going on?
Well, I have a job due at noon.
Then I promised Roz
I would stop by,
and I've got
the meeting tonight.
Oh, right, PFAG.
Tuesday night, right?
Uh, FLAG.
It's PFLAG, F-L-A-G.
Uh, not FAG.
PFLAG.
I stand corrected, sorry.
I was glad to see you today.
Me too.
See you tomorrow.
Let's go, Bean.
Uh, see now...
This one is really strong.
Yeah, but that's 26
and we're maxed out at 24,
unless you want to do
some smaller ones.
No, no, you're right.
We need to scale.
Zach, can you measure the wall
from here to here, please?
I need a tape measure.
My God, you are so needy.
Top drawer.
Sorry.
Okay, well, how about
maybe losing these two?
Ohhh, God it's so hard...
No, you're right.
These two,
they're not as strong.
Would you like that
in metric or US Standard?
Just measure it.
All right, so if it fits...
I think we should do
this one on the main wall.
I love the idea of having
one really huge piece.
I couldn't agree more.
Hey, Zach.
Hi.
Andy!
I hope I'm not interrupting.
No, this is my
very best friend, Andy.
Andy, Brian Burns.
[Shutter clicks]
Oh, wasn't expecting that.
I've heard so much about you.
Oh. Well...
Zach, you're doing it
all wrong!
Uh, excuse me.
Heard that your work
is brilliant.
Well.
May I?
Yeah.
Only show him the one
for the main wall.
I want the show to be fresh.
Oh, I love it.
If I had the room,
I'd buy it like that.
Did somebody just say fat?
Uh, thanks.
I just am really nervous
about the show, so...
Oh, don't be.
Roz is fabulous.
She's the best.
Of course, I am.
The show will be
equally as fabulous.
And you don't think
there's gonna be a problem
getting an additional proof
for Friday?
It's a gift.
Maybe later in the day?
Where are you gonna be?
- Uh, I'll text you.
- Perfect.
Andy, it was a pleasure
meeting you.
Zach, nice meeting you.
It was nice to meet you too.
So... What do you think?
I gotta go.
It's my turn to pick up
snacks for the meeting.
Oh, did you want to come?
No, I'm gonna hang back
and watch Anderson Cooper.
- Would you mind walking Bean?
- No problem.
- I love you.
- Love you more.
Can't you just come in
with me for just a minute?
I told you I'd walk you here.
I got plans, Elise.
Go on in.
Nobody's gonna bite you.
Oh, my God.
All right, I can't do this.
I am gonna really have
a nervous breakdown
right here, right now.
Hi, my name's Andy.
Can I help?
- Yes.
- No.
My friend here,
she's a little nervous,
you know.
Well, there's nothing
to be nervous about.
What's your name?
Uh, Mary.
She's all yours.
Uh, so, Mary,
can I show you in?
Uh, you know something...
I don't think I'm really
ready for this.
I think I'll just
come back next week...
You don't have to go in.
We could just
sit on the step here
and chat for a while.
- Uh...
- Okay?
Well, I can't stay long.
That's okay.
Thank you.
It's my son...
Robert.
Okay.
Well, he's always
been different.
He's sweet
and kind and gentle,
and I can't believe he's mine.
And I guess
I've always suspected
that he was... you know.
Gay?
Yeah. I fear so.
Have you ever
discussed this with him?
God no, I could never do that.
Well, has he ever
told you that he's gay?
No, no. He doesn't have to.
A mother can
sense these things.
Well, I'm glad you're here.
It's a good place to start.
I want to
acknowledge you for that.
I guess I'm never
gonna have grandchildren.
Hey, Mary, don't you look hot.
Hi, Ted.
It's not you.
Oh! No, of course not.
I didn't think that anyone here
would consider me hot.
Do you?
What?
Uh, no...
I think you're lovely.
- Let's get back to Robert.
- Who?
Your son.
Oh, yes, yes!
Robert, yes.
Mary, the fact that
Robert is gay
has nothing to do with you.
It's not anything you did.
It's simply the way he is.
Yeah, but I find that so very
hard to believe because,
you see, we never had any of
your kind in our family - ever.
You can't even say it, can you?
- Well, of course, I can.
- Then say it.
- This is just silly.
- Say it.
All right, G-A-Y, gay.
Are you happy now?
I'm overjoyed.
Mary, it's important
that you know
that you are not
responsible for any of this.
Really?
You really don't think
this is my fault?
Tell me some of
Robert's shortcomings.
Well, um...
He doesn't call me,
like hardly ever.
And he is not respectful.
Now that - that is your fault.
That's not a very
nice thing to say.
Well, I'm not being nice.
I'm being honest.
Isn't that why you're here?
See now that clever thing
that you're doing right now,
that sounds exactly like him.
That really pisses me off.
It does.
It's smart ass.
Sorry, I would have
had you pegged at 50 max.
No, no, no,
it's true, it's true.
I'm telling you, it's Botox.
It is unbelievable.
It's like a miracle.
And you only have to do it in
three little places like here,
here, and here,
and you just get this
kind of happy, relaxed...
You look like Connie Chung.
Well, she's very attractive,
but this is
a slight exaggeration.
I'm telling you, some day
you are going to be saying,
"Thank you so much, Mary,
for that little tip."
Oh, wow,
the meeting's almost over.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Look, I'm sure that you think
I'm terribly old fashioned
in my thinking...
And you were so sweet
to sit here and talk to me.
It really helped me.
I'm glad.
And if I'm honest,
I've really enjoyed
talking with you too.
Oh, I'm so glad.
So, hey, we gonna
do this again next week?
It is a date.
Good morning.
Oh, you're early.
Uh, well, Roz walks
Bean on Tuesday nights...
you know, PFLAG...
so he was a little
antsy this morning.
But I wouldn't
say anything to her.
She's got so much on her
plate with the show and all.
How's that coming along?
I was at the space yesterday.
It looks really good.
I met the artist...
He's a cute kid.
Think it's gonna be
a really successful show.
I know you know the building,
but I wrote down
my apartment number
and my phone number.
You know, just in case
of emergencies.
Gotta go.
- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow.
Come on, Bean.
[Phone rings]
Well, hello, Elise, dear.
Oh, you didn't look
at the phone and say,
"Uh-oh, it's Elise.
Don't answer."
No, not this time.
Paulie, I really miss you.
So much is going on right now.
I know that I always say that,
but this is just it's a very
emotional time for me.
But, uh, I think that
I'm finally starting
to come to terms with my son.
And I want to tell him
on his birthday.
Look, I'm not saying that
I approve of any of this,
but, well, I'm trying to
accept him for who he is.
That's all
I can do right now, right?
Even as an artist?
That too.
Paulie, I, I don't want
to lose Brian.
And I'm riding on
some advice right now
that I think is probably right.
And as much as I want to,
I cannot change the boy.
I mean, he is who he is.
I'm proud of you, Elise.
That's a wonderful
birthday gift.
I'm having a nervous breakdown
just thinking about it.
Then don't think about it.
He's your son.
You'll understand each other.
I hope so.
We never have.
But okay...
Okay, Paulie.
So see you Saturday?
Yup, I'll see you then.
Goodbye, sis.
Night.
[Music plays]
# Good things
don't always come #
# Knocking at your door #
# Good things come
to those #
# Who want to share it
with that someone #
# Don't you, don't you #
# Want to come along? #
# One day, one day #
# It's here
and another it's gone #
# Na, na, na, na... #
# 'Cuz I believe #
# I know I will find it #
# All I need #
# is written within me #
# I was only asking
if you'd ride with me #
# Through this
thing called life #
# Cuz I believe #
# I know I will find it #
# All I need #
# is written within me #
# I was only asking
if you'd ride with me #
# Through this
thing called life #
# I was only asking
if you'd ride with me #
# Through this
thing called life #
[knock on door]
Who is it, Bean?
Come on.
You're right on time.
See, no emergencies.
- Hey!
- Say, "Hey," Bean.
Well, I'm glad you're here.
Come in.
Thanks.
This is lovely.
Did you decorate yourself?
Contrary to popular belief,
not all gay men are decorators.
I had help.
Roz has fabulous taste.
Well, it's a nice job.
It's warm... like you.
I, I was thinking we could
sit here in the living room
and have some wine and,
and just chat for a while.
Is red okay?
- Perfect.
- All right.
Thank you.
To friends.
To new friends.
It's a very nice Merlot.
Thank you.
California?
Yes.
Okay, now that's just scary.
I would say Matanzas Creek and
let you think I'm a connoisseur,
but, truthfully,
I know the label.
Well, if you knew
from the back of the label,
in my world,
you are a connoisseur.
Did you have a nice day?
I did.
Uh, my housekeeper and I
are preparing for
my nephew's birthday brunch.
It's kind of a family tradition.
Oh, that's sweet.
He is a little nervous
about seeing his mother though.
Uh-huh, your sister, Elise.
She's not a bad person.
Really.
She's just very conservative.
Socially astute.
You mean uptight?
Yes, I suppose.
Though I had a strange
conversation with her yesterday.
It's seems like she's
finally willing to accept
that her son is never,
ever going to be a lawyer.
He's nothing like her at all.
Well, that's big of her.
You have no idea.
[Chatting, giggling]
I'm glad you're here.
So am I.
Can we go to the bedroom?
Are you ready for that?
I don't know...
But I've been studying.
Hey... How are you?
Where are you going?
I've got to get home.
I'll see you at
the park, all right?
I'll let you out.
No, I'll let myself out.
You just go back to sleep.
Hey there, cowboy.
Hey...
Please... Not in public.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to be forward.
Was that awkward for you?
Indeed it was.
Hey, look, you know what -
there's no rush.
We can take some time,
let things settle a bit...
Look, Andy...
I'm not sure this was
such a good idea.
Oh, my God.
So is this where
you tell me
that last night
was all a mistake?
No. No, it's not...
It's not like that at all.
Okay. So then?
What is it like?
I don't know.
Andy, I'm just...
I'm not sure about all this.
You didn't seem
too unsure last night
when you were fucking me.
Shhh!
Andy, I'm sorry.
I'm just not ready.
But you were ready
to see what it was like?
Ah, but now that you
know what it's like,
you're not ready to what?
- Be a fag like me?
- That's a little harsh, Andy.
- Harsh?
- Yes.
You used me.
And now you're treating me
like I'm disposable...
like, uh, a tissue.
No, no.
I would never
treat you like that.
Well, it certainly
feels that way.
Paul, we have fun.
We laugh together...
And I would say
that we certainly
have quite a bit of passion.
That's true.
So then what's the problem?
I'm not ready
to wear a baseball cap...
Or kiss you in public.
Okay?
Well, then, uh,
that is a problem...
Because you don't get
to pick and choose
the parts of this relationship
that don't make you
uncomfortable, Paul.
What are you saying?
This is an
'all or nothing' proposition?
Is that it?
Yes.
Well, Andy, maybe we
can't have it all.
And maybe we already do.
But maybe you
just can't accept that.
Well, maybe someday I will.
Well, when that
some day is here...
when you can accept who you are
and your feelings for me...
when you can
put on a baseball cap
and kiss me in broad daylight,
then you come find me.
And that's how you left it?
Yup.
And you haven't
heard from him?
Not a peep.
Maybe he's just
taking some time.
His engagement
lasted five years.
I knew it.
I told you so.
You did not just say that.
Fat.
Fat, fat, fat.
You take it back.
I take it back.
Look, honey, I just...
I care about you,
and this is exactly
what I was
afraid would happen.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I just...
I'm exhausted.
I'm physically
and emotionally exhausted.
And I don't know what happened.
I didn't come on too strong.
I didn't smother him.
I didn't pressure him.
He just fucked me.
Well, I mean,
he didn't really fuck you.
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
When you say he fucked you,
do you mean that he
fucked you like literally,
or he just fucked you?
Both.
I thought that you
weren't gonna go there.
You?
I thought we were gonna
share a bowl of spaghetti,
maybe get a peck on the cheek.
He threw himself at me.
I swear.
And now he's pulling back.
Totally.
Well, considering
the circumstances,
I'd say, "You're fucked."
You think.
So now what?
Now you're gonna
forget about him.
And it's better that
you found out sooner
rather than later.
I don't know.
Look...
Tomorrow we'll go pick up
the painting at the gallery
and then I'll take you to
a decadent champagne brunch...
on me.
We'll see.
I bet artist boy is
looking pretty good now, huh?
Please.
I'm sitting shiva today, okay?
Well, how about
I give you till sunrise?
Eleven o'clock sharp.
Meet me at the gallery and we'll
walk the canvas over together.
Okay?
- Sure.
- Okay.
Hey, can you just...
Will you sit with me
for just a little while?
You bet.
[Sobbing]
It's okay.
Oh!
Happy Birthday.
Oh, I have a surprise for you.
A surprise on your birthday?
Call me unconventional.
I'm gonna wait for mother...
It's a surprise.
And you know how much
your mother loves surprises.
Actually, I'd like to
talk to you about your mother.
I brought the most
gorgeous cashews.
Brian, darling.
Happy Birthday.
Albert, Brian's in here!
You look lovely.
Oh.
- Hello, son. Happy birthday.
- Thanks, Dad.
- I didn't even hear the door.
- I used my key.
Celery and olives!
And Miss Elise's
big nuts are here too.
Oh, they are divine.
Brunch will be served
in 20 minutes.
Thank you.
Brian, it is so good to see you.
And that's a very interesting
shirt you're wearing.
Oh, thanks.
Ruffles and pleats...
they're really hot
again this year.
Oh, for men too?
How interesting.
Remind me again why I'm
doing this blue collar bullshit.
I told you -
Zach doesn't carry things.
Don't complain;
I'm doing this in four-inch
fucking heels.
Careful.
- Lift.
- O-M-G, stop.
W-T-F?
Derrick, 11:00.
Just don't move.
Honey, I already
blew him off for you for real.
Unfortunately, so did I.
You filthy whore.
Forget it. It's clear.
Let's go.
Oh, wait.
I'm gonna kill you.
Are we going to the Rittenhouse?
- Yeah, so.
- No!
No. Paul lives there.
Come on. Do you know
how many people live there?
What are the chances you'll
run into him in the elevator?
All right, fine.
But let's hurry up
and we drop it
at the front desk.
Maybe not.
You know I only do this
'cause I love you.
I love you too!
So, Brian, um, tell us
what you've been doing.
Paul tells me that,
that you're working on a show.
We hear so little
from you these days.
Oh, it's all true.
I've been working
on a show now for...
wow, six months.
But it's pretty much all done.
And does this show have
some sort of a theme?
Um, was there something or...
you know,
someone who inspired you?
Yes, in fact, someone has.
You, mother.
Oh, Jesus.
Me?
Well, I've been thinking
a lot about my life...
how I got here.
And I remember when you
gave me my very first camera
at my 15th birthday.
You remember?
Like it was yesterday.
I think you
actually slept with it.
Do you remember the time
that you went to that
red party in the black dress
and you said you wouldn't
be caught dead in red
and that people were just gonna
have to accept you as you are
or they could just go to hell?
Yes, I remember that.
But I still believe that red
should only be used
as an accent color.
May I help you?
Delivery for Brian Burns.
Yes, he's expecting you.
Number 3406.
- Let's just leave it here.
- Absolutely not.
Thank you.
So you see, Mother,
I really owe a great deal
of who I am to you.
Brian, I have something
that I need to say to you.
Uh, I know that things have been
strained between you and me
for quite a while now and that
I have, um, probably been...
truth is I have been...
less than accepting
about your career choice
and, uh, you know, lifestyle.
Mr. Brian, you have delivery!
Hold that thought.
Excellent!
Uh...
I have a timely surprise.
Claire, show them in.
Come on in.
Go that way.
Okay, thank you.
That way now.
- This way?
- That way.
Okay.
Hello, Brian.
Where would you like this?
Yeah, just there.
Mary?
Andy!
Paul.
Who's Mary?
Me. And it's Elise.
So I suppose this is Robert?
Who's Robert?
Hi, Brian.
Elise, how the hell
do you know Andy?
Well, from the Friends
and Family of Gays group.
I'm really trying
to be, you know,
more accepting and...
You are?
I mean... you knew?
Well, you know, I suspected,
and now I'm just
trying to get my head
around this whole,
you know, gay thing.
Look, Brian, I just...
I don't want to lose you.
What?
I'm not gay.
You're not?
You're not gay?
I mean,
of course, you're not gay.
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!
I mean, of course, we don't have
a gay gene in our family.
So that was a total
waste of time, wasn't it?
Paul?
Don't move.
Ruh-roh!
Paul, you look
completely ridiculous.
Now what are you wearing?
Pride, Elise,
after 55 fucking years.
You've preserved well.
I was a terrible
jerk yesterday, Andy.
That's true.
But I finally figured it out...
Right then,
when you walked in the door.
The only thing standing
between me and having it all,
having the things
that make me happy... is myself.
You make me happy, Andy.
And I'm not standing
in the way anymore.
Paul...
I know this isn't
exactly daylight...
But if I kiss you right now,
right here in front
of all these people...
would it count?
Abso-fucking-lutely.
Oh, my God!
Okay, that's it, that's it!
I am having a nervous breakdown
right now, right here!
Have it already!
All those suits, shirts, ties...
all those things I thought
I needed to be happy...
No.
What really makes me happy
isn't all those things.
It's what I have right here.
Ain't life grand?