# What's new, pussycat?
Whoa-o-o
# What's new, pussycat?
Whoa-o-o-o
# Pussycat, pussycat
# I've got flowers
and lots of hours to spend with you
# So go and powder
your cute little pussycat nose
# Pussycat, pussycat, I love you
# Yes, I do
# You and your pussycat nose
# What's new, pussycat?
Whoa-o-o
# What's new, pussycat?
Whoa-o-o-o
# Pussycat, pussycat
# You're delicious
and if my wishes can all come true
# I'll soon be kissing
your sweet little pussycat lips
# Pussycat, pussycat, I love you
# Yes, I do
# You and your pussycat lips
# Whoa-o-o
# You and your pussycat eyes
# Whoa-o-o
# You and your pussycat nose
- Who is she?
- Get into the kitchen!
- Adulterer!
- You're a monster!
Swine! Who is she?
Anna! I have told you never
to bother me here at work!
Who is she?
We have been through all that.
Get into the kitchen!
- Why didn't you come home?
- Leave me alone, I'm trying to work.
- Is she prettier than me?
- Is she prettier than you?
- I am prettier than you!
- Oh! No!
- Lipstick on your shirt!
- Well, nobody's perfect.
- I know she's not the first!
-
I hate you!
I hate you!
I've hated you from the moment
I first married you.
- You're a grotesque!
- Lascivious adulterer!
Don't you dare call me that again
until I have looked it up!
Adulterer! Adulterer!
Lascivious adulterer!
Silence when you're shouting at me!
Lascivious adulterer. Lasciv...
"Lascivious adulterer is a man
that is a lascivious adulterer."
What kind of book is that? You are
a monster and a monster, in that order.
Fritz plays around with the floozies!
Swine! Get out of my office!
I'll break every bone in your ox's body.
Vermin!
Do you realise I could slay you
any moment I like?
- Pig!
- Using the great Burt's judo method.
Argh... Agh.
- Ooh!
- Argh!
Get out of here.
We'll finish this later.
Don't be a bit surprised if I take
the children and leave for good.
That great, rotten, stinking hulk of...
Rotten, rotten, rotten pig!
Fat, great, stinking rotten... I hate you!
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
Good afternoon. Am I late?
No, as a matter of fact
you are just on time.
Come, come. Make yourself
nice and comfortable. We will begin.
Women have always been
a big problem to me, Dr Fassbender.
- Are you listening, Doctor?
- Yes, yes, yes. Go on, go on, go on.
The first woman I had a crush on
was my schoolteacher.
- Miss Marks.
- That's a perfectly normal occurrence.
Did you read the essay I wrote
on my summer holidays?
Yes, I did. I thought it was
the most moving piece I'd ever read.
I hope you noticed
I dedicated it to you, Miss Marks.
Call me Tandalaya.
Oh, Michael, this can't work.
I'm 34 and you're 12.
Don't be negative.
Oh, Michael.
Michael, what's to become of us?
And what did become?
She lost her licence and I failed English.
Can I tell you what
I once did in a Latvian brothel?
- Later.
- Oh.
My second experience with a woman
was no picnic either. It was at high school.
What did I do? What did I do? What
did I do? Someone tell me what I did.
What did I do? Tell me what I did.
Jenny! Will you tell me what I did?
Will you tell me, please, what I did?
What am I supposed to have done?
What have I done?
It's no use looking like the Day
of Judgment unless you tell me. Tell me!
- And did you do it?
- I was untutored in these matters.
And women have always
overcome my basic shyness.
But you had a perfectly normal
sexual life at college?
Normal? It was frightening.
I was captain of the debating team,
do you see?
I was competing for the interscholastic
championship by debating a Miss Pringle
on the effects of socialised medicine
on the British economy.
- And what happened?
- I convinced her.
Love is not to be found,
is not to be taken.
It is to be given.
You may despise simple faith.
But what is simple faith but healing?
Abandon notions of socialised medicine.
What is it?
Medicine does not belong
to the Hypocritic oath... Oh!
And when did all this come to an end?
It didn't come to an end.
That's the point.
My job is a lecher's dream.
Feature editor for
a big fashion magazine in Paris.
The receptionist is beautiful.
- Good morning, Mr James.
- Good morning.
The copywriters are beautiful.
Bonjour, Monsieur James.
- Bonjour, Monsieur James.
- Bonjour.
The secretaries are beautiful.
And the models!
- What about the models?
- Oh, my gawd.
- Good morning, Mr James.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Mr James.
Oh, hello, Gladys.
Can you imagine what it feels like
to be in close contact every day
with the worid's most gorgeous women?
And what can I do?
I can't say no.
And why should I say no?
I love it, do you hear?
I love every second of it.
That's how it's always been with me.
A little pleasure, a little pain,
but always back to the ladies.
So what is your problem?
Carole. I met her at a language school.
She wants to get married
and I'm afraid to commit myself.
- Do you love her?
- Oh, surely.
Mm.
But you are afraid to marry her because
you are not ready to give up other women.
Quite right.
Then why don't you marry her and cheat?
That's exactly what I want to avoid.
That's why I came to you.
I respect her too much
to do anything like that.
I think that, with you, sex is a sport,ja?
Oh, yes. I love the... the smell of perfume,
and the thrill of the chase
and the moment of conquest.
- I like thighs. Do you like thighs?
- Mm.
Look, I know you'll
think this is crazy, but...
when the light hits me
in a certain direction, I'm... handsome.
Oh.
Listen, I'll see you next Friday.
I've got phone calls to make.
I've only been here 15 minutes.
I can't take more than 15 minutes
of your sex life at one time.
Look, why don't you come
to some of my group analysis meetings?
Maybe if there's other people around
it's going to be easier for both of us.
Hello, Zsa Zsa? This is Fritz.
How are you, my little flesh pudding?
Hold on.
Listen, you'll like this group analysis.
It's a real freak show.
If it gets dull, we sing songs.
Oh.
Do you think it'll help?
I'll do anything to achieve Carole.
Well, if it fails we will try something else.
I use all kinds of unorthodox methods.
For example, I have had great success
shutting people in dark closets.
Really?
See you at the next meeting.
Bring with you 500 francs.
Hello, my little laxative.
This is baby Fritzy here.
He must be a genius.
Victor!
Oh, Victor!
- Michael James, Tempest O'Brien.
- How do you do?
- She adores me.
- He's cheating because I won last night.
Strip chess. She had me down to
my shorts and I fainted from tensin.
I want a drink.
- Absinthe.
- Coffee.
Mineral water.
- How's Carole?
- Did you find a job?
I got something at the striptease.
I help the giris dress and undress.
- Nice job.
- 20 francs a week.
- Not very much.
- It's all I can afford.
How's Carole?
It's funny. When the light hits you
a certain way you're so handsome.
# I was born in Boston city...
- Michael?
- Hello, pussycat.
Pussycat, I love you.
Thank you for another pot of flowers.
Shall I get dressed?
Or is it foreign-movie time?
Foreign-movie time.
You're a monster.
- Me? I'm not a monster.
- Yes, you are.
I'm your nice warm lover.
- What did you do today?
- Nothing. I slept.
Do you know that people
sleep away a third of their lives?
If a man lives to be 75
it means he sleeps for 25 years.
You know what it means
to sleep for 25 years?
It means you wake up
with a shocking headache.
Michael?
I have to have a talk with you.
- What about?
- Us.
- Us?
- Yeah.
That's a very touchy topic.
Because you get personal and start to hit.
There's no reason why
two people can't discuss marriage
without turning it into a Third Worid War!
We've discussed it a thousand times
and you know my view. I'm a fascist.
- Now, I have to go home and change.
- But, pussycat, you live upstairs!
I have to open your door, climb a flight
of stairs, open my door. It all takes time.
My parents are coming next week. They
want to know when we're getting married.
My mother writes every week and asks.
Hemingway began as a journalist
and he broke away.
- I want to get serious, plan a real future.
- I hoped this job would be temporary.
My friends are married.
They seem happy.
- I know there's a novel in me.
- No one's sure. It's time to decide.
Even if it's a bad novel.
I've got to make a start.
If you're not sure now, you'll never be.
The worst curse in the worid
is to be mediocre.
- You're not listening to me!
- I am listening indeed!
Now, listen to me, pussycat.
Times are hard... and I'm in a hurry.
- You...!
- I have an appointment.
If you can't be more definite,
then we should stop seeing each other.
- I'm not ready for marriage.
- But how can you say you love me?
Because I do.
It wouldn't be fair to marry you now,
do you see?
I've got a lot of wildness and fun
to get out of my system.
You know, when we marry,
we give up fun.
- You always have an excuse.
- Ah, pussycat.
We're children, you and I.
Now's the time to live and experiment.
Marriage is for life.
It's like cement.
But at that rate it would drift on forever.
We had this conversation six months ago
and I don't see anything changed.
When are you old enough to assume
the responsibility of marriage? At 25?
26? 28? 32?
- 65? 89? 90? 97? 103?
- You're hysterical!
- Every time I don't agree I'm hysterical.
- Pull yourself together.
No.
- Give me the keys. Give me the keys.
- No, take a cab.
I don't wish to take a key.
I want my car cabs.
I need the keys... uh, the car.
- You've made up your horrid mind?
- Yes.
I shall walk!
It's better for the heart anyway. Taxi!
All right. But don't...
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Scotch.
Oh, excuse me.
Haven't you seen me somewhere before?
I know the name
but I can't remember the face.
- Oh, California sometime.
-
- Give my regards to whatshername.
- Yeah.
Pussycat?
Mr James!
What are you, uh, doing here?
- I'm paid to come here.
- You're paid to come here?
- Yes, m-m-my magazine, you see.
- Yes, yes.
- And what are you doing here?
- What... am... I... doing... here?
Um...
I am here as, uh...
I'm here as a scientist, you know?
- Aha.
- I'm here as a scientist.
Plumbing the depths of the soul.
Doing a bit of plumbing?
Yes, yes. I, uh...
Oh!
- Ah!
- Oh!
I was so interested,
you know, in your case.
Intrigued me immensely, those things
that you told me about, what happens.
I, uh...
Well, I freely admit it,
I, uh, decided to follow you here.
If you followed me here, how did you
contrive to be here before me?
I followed you... very fast.
Ah.
Look, a point I've noticed, scientifically,
is that stripping is not sexy.
No, not in the slightest.
I can speak with a certain authority on this
because I've seen this show
a hundred times.
- You've seen this a hundred times?
- Mm.
Then admit it, Mr James. Admit you
come here merely searching for love.
- I admit it.
- Well, I'm glad you admitted it.
Otherwise I'd have had to lock you
in a dark closet, you naughty man.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Victor, give me a hand
with my armour, will you, please?
That's the back, you fool! Ooh! Oh!
Sorry.
Did I hurt you?
Yes, I am, I'm going.
I have tickets Saturday night
to a Lautrec exhibition.
Toulouse-Lautrec.
One of my favourite small men.
- Where's my robe?
- He's one of my favourite painters.
- This is the back.
- I'm sorry.
You would appreciate Lautrec.
He has a very sensitive line.
Used colour very sparingly
but made a point with line.
The helmet.
Victor, Victor, will you help me
with my veil, please?
Saturday night, I have tickets
to a Lautrec exhibition.
- He was a marvellous painter.
- I'm busy Saturday night. Hurry up.
- Do you like Lautrec at all?
- You've put it the wrong way around.
- He's short, but fun.
- Let me do it alone.
I'm sorry, they're all boys in my family.
And now, the Crazy Horse
presents Mademoiselle Liz... Bien.
Pussycat.
# Hear your name and I'd start to cry
# There is just no getting over you
# The girl who's in my little red book
# Just never could replace your love
# And each girl in my little red book
knows you're the one I'm thinkin' of
# Won't you please come back to me?
# Without your precious love
I can't go on
# Where can you be?
# I need you so much
# All I do is to talk about you
# Hear your name and I start to cry
# There is just no getting over you
# Oh-oh-oh
# Won't you please come back to me?
# Without your precious love
I can't go on
# Where can you be?
# I need you so much
# All I do is to talk about you
# Hear your name and I start to cry
# There is just no getting over you
# All I do is to talk about you
# Hear your name and I start to cry...
Ah!
You're working here? There's something
exciting about a place like this after hours.
The empty seats
and the smell of greasepaint.
- What is that?
- I dunno. Probably just a short.
What is it?
I don't know, but I don't want
to be here when it gets hungry.
- Victor, I'm scared.
- Don't panic, it may be nothing.
- You can panic now.
- Let's get out of here, quick.
My wife, I'll kill her!
I'll kill my wife!
Pardon me, drunk,
but you can't come in here.
She makes a fool of me,
she makes a fool... I kill her! I kill him!
Why don't you go home and sleep it off?
She cheats with him.
I kill him! I kill him!
- But who is he?
- Everybody!
She cheats with everybody!
I kill everybody! Everybody... everybody.
Poor man.
Why does everyone have
so much trouble with being in love?
It never seems to work. You love me
and I love... I love Michael and...
Oh, Victor, I'm so mixed up.
# I feel... marvellous
# I feel... marvellous...
- I adore the way you dance.
- And I adore the way you look tonight.
- I've only got vodka.
- Oh, vodka. Vodka's fine.
When it comes to liquor, I'm a health nut.
I drink a lot of gin and wheat germ.
Regular vodka and gluten.
- Please don't.
- Why not?
- You came here to hear my poems.
- I did?
Oh, I did! Yes, surely.
But you've been so affectionate, pussycat.
- You're on my foot!
- Oh, I beg your pardon.
- It's all right.
- But I want to hear your poems.
Oh, all right. But behave.
Yes, sure. I love erotic poems.
Oh, it's not erotic, it's political.
- Is it?
- Mm-hm.
Oh, yeah.
I wrote this at Hillside Hospital,
just after my fourth nervous breakdown.
Two, three, four.
"Who killed Charlie Parker?"
"You did. You... rat."
I dedicate this next poem...
Well, it's been an interesting evening...
Please... don't go.
No?
I'm beginning to grow
extremely fond of you.
I get attached to people very quickly.
I'm a woman who can experience things
really deeply for the first time.
Well, I don't fall in love easily either.
I believe in adventure
and experimentation and no attachments.
- Oh, I love that in a man.
- Ah. Well...
I'm one for marriage, though. But I believe
only after two people have lived together...
Intimacy before final involvement.
Yes, how true. How true.
Why are we reading all the poems?
I know a poem too.
Mm?
"Had we but worid enough, and time,
This coyness, Lady, were no crime."
Ah.
One more poem...
and you can do with me what you want.
- Victor, can I have a drink?
- Sure, what would you like?
A triple Scotch on the rocks.
Sometimes a drink will loosen me up.
- You have got something to eat?
- Some, uh, some Fig Newtons.
And some Hershey bars
and... some cough drops.
- You got any tuna fish?
- Tuna fish... tuna fish...
Uh...
I have...
I have some salmon salad left.
What do you mean, "left"?
When did you make it?
In April, but if you smother it
with pepper it's fine.
- What about an egg?
- An egg... Wait.
Uh, yes, I have...
Oh!
You look... you look beautiful.
I'm beginning to feel warm already.
Thank you.
Mm. Mm.
Gee, I need a cigarette.
I think there's something sexy about
the way some men smoke cigarettes.
Oh! I just burnt my finger.
I'm going to go in the bathroom
and scream. I'll be out in a minute.
My finger!
- Victor!
- Forgive me, I...
I saw your lips standing there.
Why don't I go into the bedroom?
I wait for you in bed.
# Here I am
# Here I stay
# All of my life I'll be what you
# Want me to be
# All that I ask
# Is that you just keep loving me
Here I come, dear.
I'm all shaven.
Everything's off.
I'm here. Uh... I'm up here.
Dear? Uh, fragrance?
Dear, are you OK? Is it...?
I'm going to get into the bed now.
Dear! Come on, dear.
Let's go! Here I am!
Um...
What?
Sweetheart?
Here...
Carole?
Um...
Are... are you asleep?
You're crumpled on the floor, right?
All right. Good night!
Listen, we're strangers, fella.
Take it easy.
Take...? I was sitting there quietly
and you jumped on top...
- How'd you like my poems?
- They're very beautiful and quite moving.
Did you like the one about peaceful
coexistence, Ode To A Pacifist Junkie?
- Yes. I thought it was very sexy.
- Oh.
Actually, the poem wasn't about sex,
it was a plea for better housing.
Now, look...
I've got a sexual block.
It's a thing with me.
I don't wish to cause you any conflict.
No, no, you're perfectly right.
I must face up to the problem.
I can't go on the rest of my life
being a semi-virgin.
What, in the name of all that's gracious,
is a semi-virgin?
Here, I'm a virgin.
In America, I'm not.
What do they do?
Stamp it on your passport?
- Now, listen to me.
- Uh-oh.
I feel faint.
Excuse me for a minute.
I'm going into the bathroom
to take an overdose of sleeping pills.
I like you.
You're a nice, stable girl.
She'll be all right.
There's nothing to worry about.
I thought she was joking. It was all poems
and "Don't touch me". She's weird.
They're only phenobarbital.
She only had a couple.
She came out of the bathroom
and looked very odd
and I gave her a little...
nibble on the neck.
Like that, you see?
Then she fell on the floor.
- A nibble?
- A nibble.
- How are you?
- Sorry about that. I got panicky.
Mademoiselle Belmont
will stay overnight, OK?
Oh, surely. Have a good night's pill.
Pussycat?
Pussycat?
Carole?
Miss Werner!
Carole!
Please repeat after me.
"The pen is blue."
The pen is blue.
I go, she goes, we go, they go.
I go, she goes, we go, they go.
Where were you last night?
That's all I want to know!
- I told you not to visit when I'm at work.
- You didn't sleep in your room!
Unless you're ready to get serious,
it's not your business.
All right, we disagree.
Let's discuss it.
- There is nothing to discuss!
- There is nothing to discuss.
- There is plenty to discuss.
- There is plenty to discuss.
I am serious and you are not.
Don't feel obligated.
- I love you, pussycat!
- I love you, pussycat.
You've got a funny idea of love.
How do you treat people you hate?
- It's different for a girl.
- It is not! It is not different!
If you can run around, so can I.
- You love me!
- You love me.
I am tired of waiting.
I've got my own life to live.
Oh, yes? OK, OK, you'll be sorry.
You'll be sorry.
- Goodbye!
- Goodbye!
- You'll see, you'll be sorry.
- Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!
Goodbye!
All right!
Sleep where you want, see if I care.
- I sure as hell will!
- I sure as hell will!
Oh! You bunch of parrots!
Life is a strumpet
stained with wine.
"Go to, I'll no more on't;
it hath made me mad."
"I say, we will have
no more marriages!"
Isn't that Schiller?
- Shakespeare.
- Mm?
That man there
is the finest man that ever breathed.
- Who is?
- He is.
He is? Who's he?
- Who's he?
- Mm.
I'll soon show you who he is.
Hey! You must not strike me,
you naughty boy!
You're my patient, that's who you are!
And, anyway, I can lick any Freudian
psychoanalyst that's in this house.
An analyst? Then I need help.
- Encore, la mme chose.
- And for me, please.
Carole. Carole.
I love her. She's beautiful.
She wasn't in her apartment and I've tried
everything you said and it doesn't work.
- Liz.
- Mm, Liz?
She's a stripper. She's beautiful.
And she's here on a bongo scholarship.
Why don't you introduce me to her?
I could be the man that sees
no one touches her for you.
No, no, no. I need help. Help.
Don't mention that word to me - "help".
That is what I need. Help!
Oh, God, how I need that thing.
Do you know that
I am in love with a patient?
I am in love with a patient!
You got a minute?
- Surely.
- Let me tell you my story.
Let me sit down.
Carole is like a rose petal.
She's so innocent.
Can I tell you what happened
in my dream last night?
I shall sell matches
on the street corner.
And I shall be
the first to buy them from you.
Very civil.
Miss Lefebvre.
Miss Lefebvre!
Every time she sees me she screams
because every time
she sees me I attack her.
No. You must not attack her.
You must woo her.
- Woo her?
- Woo her.
# Woo her...
# In Vienna.
You must stand underneath her window.
And I shall pretend to be you.
And I shall pour your heart out.
Oh!
We shall halloo her name
to the reverberant hills.
Lefebvre!
Lefebvre!
You are, without doubt,
one of the finest men
what ever breathed.
Who is?
Who is?
I'll soon show you...
who is.
# Dear old pals
# Jolly old pals
# Always together
# In all kinds of weather
Eins, zwei, drei.
That's the one.
The third one, up there. That one.
We must attract her attention.
Direct hit!
Who's there?
"But, soft! What light from
yonder window breaks?"
Psst! "My darling, your face
is like the pale autumn moon."
- You're joking?
- I'm not joking.
- I can't say that!
- Why can't you say that?
- It's ghastly!
- Did someone call me?
I did! Your Apollo, god of the sun,
is calling his aphrodisiac.
- I'm going to be sick.
- But who's there?
My darling, your face
is like the pale autumn moon.
My face is what? Now, who are you?
- Help me. I love that woman!
- No wonder she thinks you're such a twit.
Who are you?
Not addressing you, sir.
Would you kindly leave the tage?
My darling, your face is like
the pale autumn moon. Your face...
- Thank you!
- What did you say my face was?
Your face is like the pale autumn moon!
Are you deaf?
Don't speak to her
like what you done, you rude man.
Give her the nice things!
What's going on there?
- He's saying your face is like the moon.
- My face?
Not your face, you idiot. The face
on the lady what's in the top tower!
Will you shut up?
Come back to bed!
Listen, whoever you are,
you are dull and I'm going in.
- She's going in! Quick!
- We can't get any sleep!
Will you please shut up and go away!
- Go home!
- And you, too! Shut up!
Right! Everybody, inside!
Trickle back to your truckle beds.
Everybody, faites vos jeux.
Ooh! Ah!
Give her something romantic!
Say romantic things to her!
Your name... is like a bell
that hangs in my heart.
May it ring... and swing.
Lefebvre!
Lefebvre!
Miss Lefebvre! Miss Lefebvre!
It's me, baby Fritz, and I love you!
Police!
Help, help!
Police!
And now, group, whose emotional
problems shall we discuss today?
- Me, me, me, me.
- No, mine. Mine. Mine.
Me, me, me, me!
I've been coming here ten months and
we haven't discussed my problem once.
Perhaps if you'd be kind enough
to tell us what your problem is
then we could all have a go
at discussing it or something.
I can't. It's dirty.
Weren't we discussing, last week,
Mr Durrell's relationship with his father?
Actually, we were discussing the dream
about the train entering the tunnel.
Oh,ja, ja. The train in the tunnel.
That was a good one.
By the way, ladies and gentlemen, we
have with us a new member of our group.
He's a young man who has got
certain emotional problems.
All your life you should have such
problems as this young man has got.
He's the editor
of a well-known fashion magazine.
I'm referring to
none other than Mr Michael James.
Ahem.
I haven't been sleeping very well
and if I... if I go without it
I find that, um, quite often,
I, um, fall asleep.
Carole is my girlfriend.
She's part of the whole... perishing thing.
She, um, lies... puts me on the bed.
She... on the bed...
and sometimes she misses
and I go under the bed,
but this is what we describe
as a pot shot and it doesn't count.
Argh! Argh!
- Argh! Argh!
- Quills!
Control your knees immediately
or they'll be shaved within the hour.
Mr Quills! Have you no shame?
Why do you keep attacking new members
in this way, you great fat Moby Dick?
# When it's springtime in Vienna
Quills is a paranoiac.
He sleeps with the light on.
- Pansy!
- Nail biter!
- I prefer the sickness to the cure.
- Early days, Mr James.
- Didn't you mention a dark closet?
- Good idea. I've got one over here.
- Goody, another free-for-all!
-
It's a raid! Run for your lives!
Miss Lefebvre. You look
positively ravishing in that face.
Thank you, Herr Professor.
Group, listen.
I've some marvellous fresh
emotional experiences to tell you about.
You see, the other day...
He told me any time I had trouble
controlling myself to blow this.
You have... trouble controlling yourself?
Only with men. I have an intense need
to be loved by many men many times.
Really?
- A little wine, would you care for?
- Yes.
You'd never know by your placid exterior
that underneath that ice-cold facade
beats the heart of a savage...
lustful... passionate animal.
What will you have
for breakfast tomorrow?
Orange juice, tea and toast.
I have to call someone
and tell them I will not be home tonight.
The phone's down by the bed,
next to my prayer shawl.
Agh!
- I'm sorry about the fight.
- What?
- I decided you were right.
- What, what, what, what?
- About some things.
- What... what did you decide?
- I'm moving in with you.
- You're moving in?
Yes. What the hell's the matter with you?
You now... moving in?
You... in... moving?
Yes, yes.
I am sick of wasting any more time.
You're now moving in...?
You... you've decided...?
Yes. Darling, listen. If we were
living together like husband and wife
maybe you'd see
it wasn't all horrible after all.
- Oh, but it is. It's horrible.
- Michael!
Go downstairs, pussycat, and I'll join you
in a while and we'll have a nice fight.
You don't want me here for a reason.
You're covering up.
I want the moment to be right!
- I want it to be a special occasin.
- Oh, well...
Listen to me. You said your mother
and father are coming next week.
Do you want us to celebrate
us two living out of wedlock?
- I don't think they'd appreciate it.
- Well, look, let's discuss it later.
Something's wrong... someplace.
Well, look what's sleeping in your bed.
As a man's life goes down the drain,
you are there.
Oh dear, all this work I've got to do.
Wash the dishes,
polish the furniture, do this, do that.
I say, I do earn my pay.
Here we go, cock, spotless we must be.
Ah.
Uh, pussycat. I can please explain.
Michael! I had to see you.
You haven't called me
since that last fantastic night.
You hyperthyroid.
Carole! Look, I love you!
I love you, Carole!
It's not what it seems!
I'm opening up a seminary!
Begging your pardon,
I'm going to find the john.
Mm. Ah!
There it is, fine. Good.
Oh, my...
Another overdose...
Um... Um...
Uh, hello, help? Succour?
Um, emergency ward, yes.
My name is Michael James.
Je suis Michael James.
There is an trange... uh...
bird ici... Uh... she...
- Ooh!
- Oh!
Just relax. That's fine.
Take it easy, now.
I'm sorry.
May I ask what is your relationship
to this girl? Are you her fianc?
No, I'm just a friend.
It's a pretty rocky friendship you've got.
Pussycat?
Pussycat?
Do you think you could love a short man?
I mean, if he had very attractive red hair?
Victor, I adore you.
Collected Poems of Shelley.
I always wanted to read...
- Sorry, I saw Shelley first.
- You did not! I saw it first!
Like hell you did. It's mine.
Victor! You're not going
to let him take that book?
- Actually, she did see the book first.
- Beat it.
Oh! Victor.
Thrash him. Come on. Go!
What is...? Go on!
Uh...
I have a bad head cold...
Victor, you always said
you'd go through hell for me. Go on!
You see his knuckles? They're huge!
You're not going to
let that man insult your woman?
You're Michael's woman. Why don't I
get him? He could be here in five minutes.
If you have any hopes for winning me,
now is the moment to prove it. Go on.
Go on! Go on!
Come on, Victor!
Kick him! Kick him!
- Give it...!
- Hand me that book.
- No.
- Give me that book.
Go on! Victor!
Victor, show him! Kick him now!
- Will you give me that book?
- No! You are not a gentleman.
- I am a gentleman!
- No, you are not.
Victor, show him!
Get him! Kick him! Hit him!
Victor, you're so brave, I'm shocked.
Victor...
I must have Carole.
I need her. I love her.
She's the whole worid to me,
and she's mine.
The only way anyone could take
her away from me... is by killing me.
I've decided what I'm going to do.
I've been seeing the best
psychoanalyst in Paris.
He's a genius. And he wants me
to go to his group analysis courses.
Well, I've been going. I'm going to
keep on going. And I'm going to fight!
And I'm going to win... because I love her.
Ah, that's better. Ah, a little gentle steam.
Does one the worid of good.
Ahh.
We must have physical health
as well as mental health.
Oh, I'm kinky for steam.
# I was born in Boston city, boys
# The place you all know well
- Are you well, Victor?
-
# Brought up by honest parents
and the truth to you I'll tell
- # Brought up by honest parents...
-
Let me outta here!
I can't open it!
Then, Doctor, when I was 15 years old, I
had to tell my parents they were adopted.
We fought,
I stopped coming home and moved out.
So you turned promiscuous?
Well, I love that in a woman. Love it.
I can't help it,
I'm a physical woman.
I feel guilty about it but I come from
a family of acute nymphomaniacs.
That includes my father
and my two brothers.
Why don't we all undress?
It's so modern...
For instance, Doctor...
I find myself extremely
attracted... to Mr James.
And the fact that he's in love with
someone else excites me even more.
What is it that you see in him
that you don't see in me?
I don't know.
But there is something about his face.
When the light hits him a certain way,
he's almost handsome.
You're lovely but I'm here to get rid
of problems, not to acquire them.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
who is the handsomest of them all?
- I am.
- I am!
I am!
Group, in Britain
we have a national therapy.
We call it...
cricket.
Unlike other sports, there's no anxiety
or pressure. It's leisurely and lyrical.
It's the song of willow on leather.
- Is there any sex in it?
- Oh, no.
This is a game for gentlemen,
played by gentlemen.
It's sick. Sick!
Miss Lefebvre,
tell me something about yourself.
He's really elegant, isn't he?
Do something for me, Doctor.
Couldn't you throw those giris away?
I don't like those giris around him.
Lay here and watch your...
watch your champion
from a good... here... vantage point.
There, now, on my shoulder.
Can you see him better?
Can't you feel him better? Feel all those
lovely... ooh... strokes he's pulling?
- Couldn't you arrange something for me?
- What would you like?
To have a sessin, just the three of us.
A little bowling and a little batting?
Something like that?
No, a more intimate game, you know?
I mean, when are they going to finish?
I'm getting very nervous.
Isn't this game scintillating and exciting?
I'd like the game to be over.
I'd like to play something else.
Other games?
Well, that's interesting, too.
Can you see the bowler? Don't look at
the batsman, the bowler's interesting.
- I love the batsman better.
- Yeah, batsmen are all right.
I always have liked
a little bit of bowler, myself.
#... Raised most tenderly
# Till I became a sporting blade...
- I thought you'd never get here.
- What the hell...?
- I've been waiting for you to telephone.
- What are you doing here?
I've been thinking about what you said,
and I think you're right.
The only way two people can really get
to know one another is by living together.
- Oh... What?
- Mm-hm.
- So I'm moving in here.
- You're moving in here?
Ah!
You've taken leave of your senses!
You're a weird lady!
Even though we've known each other
for such a few hours,
I feel that we were meant for one another.
Do you believe in kismet?
Please, go home.
I'm hungry.
Don't you just love sin?
Just a bloody minute. Sit down.
- Sit down. Sit!
- Sit. Fine.
Now, you and I are going to have
a little talk, get things straightened out.
- God, I love it when you're domineering.
- Really? Oh.
Now, while I think
that you're a smashing young lady,
I am not in love with you,
do you understand?
I am not in love with you.
- She's been upset lately.
- I'm so sorry.
Mademoiselle, the boys
of emergency suicide ward
voted you this gold watch
for unusual devotion.
Oh...
Thank you.
# What's new, pussycat?
Whoa-o-o
# What's new, pussycat?
Whoa-o-o
Michael, remember me?
You loved me in your office.
Indeed I do.
Remember the night in the hospital bed?
Unforgettable.
- My mother's crypt.
- Oh, poor mummy.
On top of the Eiffel Tower.
Very chilly.
You could have had me, Michael.
Michael, I need you. I've telephoned you
several times. Why haven't you called?
I've phoned you I don't know
how many times, maybe six.
I know it's neurotic,
but I want you, Michael.
- Michael.
- Michael.
- Michael.
- Michael.
Excuse me, I...
Oh! Hello, there.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello.
Michael, I've tried
to telephone you for several...
- Michael. I've tried to teleph...
- Michael?
- Michael!
- Michael!
Right! I want all you cats to shape up!
"But I, that am not shap'd
for sportive tricks,
Nor made to court
an amorous looking glass;
I, that am rudely stamp'd,
and want love's majesty to strut..."
"Why, I, in this weak piping
time of peace..."
Dr Fassbender!
"Can I do all this,
and yet cannot get a crown?"
"Tut! Were it further off,
I'll pluck it down."
Dr Fassbender!
Dr Fassbender! Dr Fassbender.
I must see Dr Fassbender immediately.
It's not possible. He's in with a patient.
I daren't disturb him.
Couldn't you make an exception in this
one instance? It's very important to me.
Well, in this case,
I think maybe it's possible. He's in there.
Hello. Good morning.
- Michael James!
- Can't you knock?
- Knock? I'm in dire need!
- So am I! What do you think I am, human?
Bring it up at the next group analysis
meeting, something like that. Not now!
I hope you don't get the wrong idea
about what happened just now.
Not at all. It was quite simple.
You attacked me.
Well, if you feel like that about it
you may as well have your whistle back.
Thank God you came when you did. He
was talking. Next thing you know - bang!
Just because I speak frankly about my
problems doesn't mean I'm a pushover.
No.
There is more to love
than just physical excitement.
- Respect, for instance, is very important.
- Oh, very important.
Don't think I don't appreciate those things.
Like finesse, atmosphere...
Atmosphere.
- You agree it is important?
- Very important.
Two people in a romantic setting,
soft light, music, champagne.
- Perhaps even incense burning.
- Oh, incense is beautiful.
This is all very important to me.
Only then can I give myself.
But not before.
Who would have
ever thought... in an elevator?
It's the safest place in the worid,
provided the combined weight of the
two people does not exceed 1400 pounds.
It was hell, but we'll be fine.
Thank you, we'll be fine.
Very kind. We'll be absolutely fine.
Ah.
Come away with me
for the weekend.
- Where?
- Chateau Chantelle.
Oh, how lovely. We could fish
and hunt and ride and swim and...
And all in my room.
# Here I stay...
# I'll be what you want me to be
# All that I ask is that
you just keep loving me
Michael! Carole wasn't in
so we thought we would try here.
- O-o-oh, Mr and Mrs Werner.
- Didn't Carole tell you we were coming?
O- oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Marole mumming... C-Carole coming.
Call me Mother.
Miss Lefebvre!
I can stand it no longer!
For the love of you, I die.
Ah!
- Do you have any salt?
- What was that you said?
- Do you have any salt?
- Have I got any salt?
I got a boat, I got kerosene,
matches, firecrackers,
two swords und this flag,
but I ain't got no salt!
- Do you always eat here?
- Once a year. On my birthday.
- Your birthday tonight, huh?
- Yeah, I'm 29 today.
29?
What a night I should pick. Look.
I've got something I wish to do in private
without people looking. Would you mind?
Go ahead. I'm just gonna sit here,
grab a bite, and run.
I can't go ahead while you're hanging
round eating food, you naughty thing.
- Just do whatever you have to do.
- You're a selfish gourmet.
What are you doing over there?
What is that? What's that? A flare?
What are you doing here?
What's going on? What's going on here?
Why don't you shut up, you cretin?
I'm trying to commit suicide.
Set fire to my beautiful
psychoanalyst body
und sail out to sea, ablaze like a Viking!
- You're a doctor?
- I'm a doctor of the mind.
Really? I have terrible emotional
problems. Could you help me?
You certainly picked a very odd time
to ask, just in the middle of a suicide.
All right. But you'll have to lay down
cos I can't do it standing up.
- Lay down? This is a rented tuxedo.
- I don't care what it is. Lay down.
I can't do it standing up. Get in there.
Lay right flat out in the boat.
There's Carole.
- Hello.
- Ah, it's Mr Overactive Glands.
- Listen...
- Get off me.
I have got my own life to lead, and I
told you I never wanted to see you again.
Stay in your own apartment and lead
your own life and let me live mine!
Darling! Guess who's here?
Mother and Father!
Mother! Dad! When did you get here?
The roads were clear, we got in a little
early. Michael has been entertaining us.
- Yes, yes, he's a marvellous host. I just...
- Let's not go into that now.
Let's go out. The night's young,
your parents have to leave tomorrow.
Yes, let's celebrate.
I adore this city, it's magnificent.
I don't remember when you two
said you were going to get married.
- We didn't give you a date, Mama.
- Oh.
I could've sworn you wrote
it will be next month.
- Didn't she write that?
- I didn't remember any date.
We really are taking steps
to facilitate proceedings
in a mature and deliberate way.
- Did you get a blood test?
- When we are ready we'll let you know.
I'm in love with a girl and she doesn't
love me, she loves some other guy.
- And I'm just in the way.
- Oh. Oh, I see. Yes, yes.
What do you think I ought to do?
- Well, why don't you buy a sports car?
- A sports car?
Yeah, a nice little two-seater. French,
German, Italian thing. Goes "vroom".
You know, they love it.
Sign of man's virility.
- Perhaps you ought to get two, maybe.
- I can't drive.
Ah, well, you knock a few people down.
The main thing is you get the girl.
That's all that matters.
You know, for a doctor,
you sound terribly unethical.
Unethical?
What do I give a damn about ethics? Huh?
My father, the most beloved
gynaecologist in Vienna,
as they took him away for indecent
exposure at the State Opera House,
said, and I quote:
"Please do not take me away,
I will not do it again."
- Brilliant quote.
- He was a brilliant pervert.
- Listen, it's my birthday.
- You told me that.
- Can we get back to it?
- What about my funeral?
Let's do your funeral first,
then my birthday.
It's a bargain.
You any good at wrapping?
Yeah, I used to work
at a department store. Why?
Maybe you could help me
get wrapped up in that flag there.
- Grab one end.
- You know how to do this?
It's a cinch. I used to wrap packages.
- All right. Wait a minute, wait a second.
- Got it? Try and get it now.
Go ahead. All right?
- No, no, no.
- Hm.
- Again.
- Uh...
I don't want to be a Viking.
- Why don't we get something to eat?
- Good idea.
Are you upset cos you're a sissy?
A haircut, a gym, you'll be great.
Nothing to do with the haircut!
We've had a wonderful time!
We'll go to our hotel and get some sleep.
- Bye, Daddy!
- Thank you for everything.
- Bye, Mama.
- Goodbye.
- Come on, Mother.
- Thank you.
We're leaving noon tomorrow. Today!
- Remember, you will get married.
- Yes. Goodbye, Mother.
We are going away for
the weekend. Our second honeymoon!
Drive carefully.
Bye.
- Goodbye, now.
- Goodbye!
Goodbye.
Bye.
- Tonight was fun.
- Yes.
I haven't felt so relaxed for a long time.
- You were marvellous with my parents.
- Oh, I like them.
- They adore you.
- Really?
Well...
It was nice seeing you again.
- Carole...
- Yes?
Let's get married.
- You are... drunk.
- No, I'm sober.
I mean it. Let's get married.
- Just like that?
- Just like that.
I can't tell you anything
but, suddenly, I'm sure.
- Suddenly you're sure?
- Suddenly I'm very sure.
Will you marry me?
- Like when?
- This week?
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...?
Oh, you want me to pick a date?
I adore you.
I'm positive. Certain.
I want you
more than anything in the worid,
pussycat.
Pussycat.
How about Monday?
Monday.
Absolutely!
Oh, what a fool I've been.
I've searched and searched
and sampled every girl I could find.
Author's message:
Now I see that fulfilment does not come
from short, physical, random adventures,
Author's message:
But from a deep relationship which
is quite often under one's very nose.
I love you, love you, love you, love you.
- Pussycat.
- Let's make it early Monday.
- Oh, I've wasted so much time.
- I can't believe that I've finally caught you!
You have my word as an inveterate cheat.
I'm the happiest woman in the worid.
- Second happiest.
- Oh?
Your mother.
Rene? Hello, pussycat.
Um...
I can't make it.
I have an assignment somewhere else,
do you see? And it's an emergency.
Goodbye, pussycat.
Gradual disengagement.
Pussycat?
I'm off. See you tomorrow.
Have fun.
You sure you're not meeting some dolly?
Trust, my darling, trust. That's the basis
of any marriage. Do you want to come?
No. I have too much to do
in view of recent developments.
I'll be back tomorrow. If I'm not
back tomorrow, send for the police.
If they're not back tomorrow,
send my clothes.
I love you.
Bonjour.
Philippe? It's Rene.
Listen, what about
that weekend we talked about?
Yes, I'm suddenly free. And I have a
reservation for two at Chateau Chantelle.
Hello?
I wish to speak with Miss Lefebvre please.
- Mademoiselle Lefebvre.
- Yes?
Mademoiselle Lefebvre, there is
a Dr Fassbender on the telephone for you.
Tell him I've gone to South America.
But I'm going to Chateau Chantelle.
Oh, oh, yes.
I understand. Of course, of course.
Thank you, thank you. Goodbye.
Anna!
Anna!
I have to go to Chateau Chantelle for the
weekend. There's an analyst's convention.
But the convention was last week,
Fritz, at Arles.
That was the Freudian convention,
this is the Jungian one.
Anyway, didn't you tell me
you had a Women's Auxiliary singsong?
But I wanted you to listen
to my lines and cue me.
Cue yourself. What am I,
an automatic cueing machine?
Get away from me! I hate you!
I hate all of you. I'll kill you the next time
you come near me saying things like that.
- Where are you going?
- I'm going away. Don't forget to wash.
Bye.
Ah, hello, Victor, you're late.
Rehearsal is over.
How would you like to love
a very attractive short man?
Certainly not. Bye.
It's too bad because...
I have a sports car now.
- You have what?
- A red sports car.
- Oh, that's great.
- Wanna go for a drive?
- I would love to. Come on, hurry.
- Where we gonna go?
I know a nice little place
called Chateau Chantelle.
- Yes?
- Michael...
- Can I help you?
- Are you the maid?
- In a way.
- Is Michael in?
No. He is at Chateau Chantelle
for the weekend.
Chateau Chantelle?
May I ask...
who are you?
- I'm his fiance.
- His what?
I'm his fianc-e.
We're going away next week.
We're going to be married.
# Here I am
# Here I stay
- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
- Might I ask where you came from?
- I fell from the sky!
I'm a parachutist and I missed my mark.
- Where are you going?
- Chateau Chantelle.
- May I use your telephone?
- By all means.
Usually I'm fantastic at hitting my target.
Bonjour? My name is Michael James.
- Oh, yes, sir.
- And I'm from Chic.
Room La du Barry. Upstairs and all
the way down, the far end of the hall.
I'd like this washed and pressed.
No starch.
- No starch.
- No starch.
Fell out the sky, mate.
Parachuting's a funny recreation for a girl.
Now, if you were a fella...
I can understand pottery or flower
arrangement or needlework or knitting.
It helps sublimate my sexual tensions.
It's either that or promiscuity.
Ah. La la-la.
Make your phone call.
I'm sure the club is anxious to know
the whereabouts of their little lost sheep.
Geronimo.
It's not fair.
Can't I tell you about
my experience in free-falling?
No, because I am here on a job and,
also, I'm going to marry the girl I love.
So, put that away, powder your nose
and make your phone call
and I shall go for a brisk six-mile trot.
Please send up some champagne
and five dozen oysters.
Philippe? Did you get the feeling
that we were followed on the road?
- So what?
- We'll take two separate rooms.
I'll meet you in yours. Prepare.
- Michael!
- Hello.
- What are you doing here?
- Me? Doing here... me...
- Looking for you.
- But I thought you couldn't make it.
Oh, I couldn't make it...
and then I could make it.
And I, um, telephoned your house
and you weren't there... were you?
No. I decided to come alone.
That's exactly what I thought, and now
we can be together, uh, like we planned.
Yes, we can. We can be together.
Why don't I go up to my room, freshen up,
and we can meet here again for a drink.
Right. And I'll freshen up
and we can meet in the bar
all fresh and washed and rinsed.
- In ten minutes?
- Roger and out.
Oh, my God.
- How many gallons?
- Five gallons.
Do you know what's going on
at Chateau Chantelle?
- Orgy.
- Orgy?
Hey!
My readers will be fascinated
to learn about this place.
Now, all the rooms are
named after famous lovers?
Is there any goings-on going on?
I wouldn't mention any names but could
you tell me about your typical clientele?
- My typical clientele?
- Typical clientele.
All the people that are here now
are typical clientele.
Really?
There is a man cheating
on his wife in room Lola Montez.
Oh.
There is a woman cheating
on her two husbands in Carlota.
Two lovers, of indeterminate sex,
in Reine Margot.
And two men cheating in Don Juan.
One might say that
the joint was, uh, jumping.
Yes, sir. All?
We make more money
in the off season than any other time.
And now you, monsieur, with a woman
parachutist. For us, is the first time.
Yes, but I'm as innocent
as a newborn babe.
Etienne, the gentleman
in Marquis De Sade
asks for 12 loaves of bread
and one Boy Scout's uniform.
All.
I want to speak with my wife. My wife.
Ma femme! Une femme,
ma femme! Oh! Ma femme!
Ma femme!
Philippe? Oh! Michael!
Oh, it's you!
I beg your body... Forgive me!
My husband has followed me here.
If he catches me he'll cut your throat.
My throat...? My... b...? Your what?
My husband. I didn't bring it up
because I thought it would complicate...
Listen. You must help me. My future
in-laws are here and they think I'm alone.
And this lady fell from the sky
and she's gorgeous and you're gorgeous.
And they'll tell Carole.
Cos her mother's a killer, she's a shark.
We're getting married next week
and she's... nibbling my ear...
Oh, my gawd.
It's a shame.
But you must leave immediately!
It's all right.
I'm due back at the asylum.
- Oh! He's coming!
- Who's coming!
- My husband! Quick, in the hamper!
- What?
The hamper!
- Are you all right?
- Of course.
- Sorry about the way things turned out.
- 1955. A good year for brain concussions.
I shall be cheerfully refunded if you'll
excuse my bellicose pomposity...
I'm glad you're back, I think he's coming
to. Would you help me with my zipper?
- My zipper!
- Oh, surely.
Listen. I do not wish
to be involved in your marriages.
If you're afraid...
Oh, look at the state... call the police.
They have a very firm policy
towards murderers.
Now, thank you, good night,
and all good things come to an end.
What is going on?
Michael!
Michael, please come back.
Oh! Oh, uh...
- Herr Professor.
- Miss Lefebvre.
What are you doing here?
Guess what I've got on?
- My hat.
- You're right.
- And what else?
- I don't know.
- Nothing.
- That's nice.
Pussycat from the sky.
I can't resist you.
Don't resist me.
Capitulate.
- Please, let me in.
- No.
- Please let me in, Miss Lefebvre.
- No.
Let me in! Let me in! Or I'll scream!
- I won't.
- What do you think I'm gonna do to you?
You have a strange look in your eyes
and I'm late for an appointment.
I only want to talk.
What's so awful in that?
- Later. I've got to go someplace.
- No, now! I'm fed up with being put off!
Argh!
Shh.
Five minutes of your time!
One drink is all I ask. Otherwise I'll hold
my breath till the life goes out of my body!
Doctor! Doctor!
All right, then.
A quick, fast drink and I must really go.
Try to think of me as a kindly old man
who has only your best interests at heart.
All right.
- Your oysters and champagne, madame.
- Oysters and champagne?
- I thought you looked a little tired.
- Little tired?
I'm out of my mind.
What am I doing here?
I'm spoken for. I'm promised forth.
Now, look! Don't open that bottle,
and close up those oysters and get out.
- Come back to bed immediately.
- Now, look here.
I've had a lot of experience fondling...
handling giris like you and it's got to stop.
Oh!
I'm going to try not to come back.
Michael James, you were gravely tempted
and you came through it unspotted.
I've been in there twice.
Oh, Michael! There you are!
I followed you up here and checked in.
- How did you know I was here?
- Please don't hate me!
Oh, no! I don't hate you.
Now, don't swallow anything!
I'm so upset...
Listen to me a minute.
I must pull myself together.
- I'm fine. I'm rational.
- I want to do something terrible!
I'm in a tight situation. I shall
behave in a mature and rational way.
- Sometimes I wanna kill myself.
- First I shall gag you. Then I'll bind you.
You're hurting me.
My wife, the creature
that ate Europe, is here.
- You're breaking my wrist!
- I'm a doctor, I'll fix it!
Let me go!
Fritz! Where are you?
I am being chased by a maniac.
Could you help?
- Quick! Get in the closet.
- In the closet.
Thank you very much.
Oh, Victor. I can't let you make love to me
with a person in the closet.
Why, how many people
in the closet do you need?
Please help me!
- My wife is coming. I've got to hide!
- Quick, get in the closet!
Argh! Help!
That man was the maniac!
A little misunderstanding, nothing more.
Hey, that's some closet
you've got there.
Fritz!
Please, where is he now?
I've just been tied up.
I know. There is a maniac loose.
Come with me.
- Fritz!
- Argh!
Let us in!
Hello. The police?
I need help.
- The orgy's in here!
- We're the first ones!
- What a lovely way to start.
- Hi! Wait for me!
You are horrible people!
Get away from me! Michael!
Wait! Wait! You! Stop!
- Who is that woman?
- Is she dead?
Dead? Sure, she's dead.
But she did not die in vain.
Because of her, thousands of Frenchmen
will be free someday. For France I do this!
Oh!
Smoking is forbidden.
Oh!
You've got to help.
There are lots of dreadful men after me.
This is no place for a working girl.
Come on!
Goody goody!
There's one in there. One in there.
Another one there. I'm off!
- Michael! There you are!
- Hello, there.
- Who is your fiance?
- Welcome to Chateau Chantelle.
A girl called. She said she was meeting
you here and she was your fiance.
That's absurd. You're my fiance
and I don't know any...
- Let's go to your room and have a talk.
- My room?
How about a nice drive in the country?
It's so pretty.
I've been driving all day.
I want to sit down and speak to you.
Let's go into the bar.
We can have a nice drink.
I'd like to do it in private because
I may have to scream and throw things.
- I feel we should be alone for that.
- Oh, a sense of humour.
Michael! I've been looking all over for you!
You're the only one that can help me.
- Our Father...
- Who is that woman?
Never mind who I am,
but you're in great danger.
Never mind? I demand an explanation!
- Don't lose your temper!
- I will... lose... it!
Calm yourself.
Listen. In the first place,
I haven't got another fiance.
In the second place,
you don't trust me in the first place.
Fritz!
Before you use that spear, may I explain
that what you see is merely an illusin.
- An illusin?
- An illusin! Shut the door, count three.
Four if you like, but close the door
and you'll see it's just an illusin.
One. Two. Three.
Foiled by a cheap cinematic trick.
- If you insist, you can see my room.
- You've got some tall explaining to do.
I have never seen
that woman before in my life.
I thought you were here
for a quiet bit of work.
Of course I am. It's a charming little spot.
- No one ever comes here.
- How much work have you done?
- I've only just got here!
- Can I see your room?
Certainly. It's over there.
It's a perfectly ordinary room.
- Is it?
- Listen, pussycat.
- I don't think so.
- Listen! It is!
I won't spend my whole life
waiting around for you.
Nothing like a hard day's work, huh?
Look. I came here alone.
This crowd showed up.
It's been a tremendous mistake.
I know, because I made it.
Oh, Michael, darling.
Please... don't let them take me.
A perfect stranger.
Lucky guess about the name.
Oh, Michael. Everybody's insane.
Take me away from this place.
- Who is that woman?
- She's only 12 and she's an orphan.
- Once a year I take her out.
- Help me! They're after me! I did nothing.
Put that in the shower!
- Here I am, you French hunk of pie...
- Stay back!
Stick it in the tub
and drown it, you twit!
Not in here, you fool. I'm hiding.
Oh, Michael! This hotel
has the strangest people.
- Why did you abandon me?
- She has a PhD.
- In what?
-
You fool. Just when I was
trying to give up smoking.
- Oh, Michael. What a pleasant surprise.
- My compliments to the chef.
- Who are you?
- I'm delighted.
I kill him! I kill everybody!
You don't understand.
There are people in here trying to sleep.
- Who is that thing?
- That is no thing, this is my wife.
- This is a personal friend of James Bond.
- How dare you!
Listen, pussycat. I do assure you. Take all
the pussycats, stand them all in a row...
- Who are these people?
...you stand above them like a mountain...
- Carole!
- Mother, Dad! Come over here.
- Did you set the date yet?
- We're about to.
What's the matter, dear? You look sick.
The police!
Oy vey.
Anna! Up the front.
Form up, everyone.
Charge!
There lies our only conceivable
way of escape. To it, pell-mell!
Away you go!
- Hey!
- Aaah!
Carole!
Michael James,
upon this solemn occasin,
do you take this woman
to be your lawful married wife?
I do.
Do you, Carole Hildegarde Werner,
take this man to be
your lawful wedded husband?
I do.
Best man, have you the ring?
I do.
We live in perilous times.
Look after it, it belongs to my wife.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
- Merci, Monsieur le maire.
- Madame.
Thank you for everything you did for him.
Well, Mayor, there's gratitude for you.
You raise a patient, treat him like a son,
slave all day over a hot analyst's couch.
What do you get in return?
They don't even invite you
on the honeymoon.
What is your full name, please?
Michael Voltaire James, pussycat.
And yours, madame?
- Carole Hildegarde Werner.
- Were you snapping then?
- Why did you call her pussycat?
- I was being courteous. I was being civil.
We're married 30 seconds
and you look at other women.
She was talking to me. I looked in
the direction the sound was coming from.
- You can go on the honeymoon alone.
- Darling...
I'm the witness, also the best man.
My name is Fritz Wolfgang...
Sigismund... Fassbender.
What's the matter, darling?
You look worried.
I can't spell Sigismund.
I think you have a little sexual block
over the spelling of that naughty name.
Allow me to help you.
I'm a psychoanalyst.
Oh, Michael, you didn't change at all. All
this good doctor's work has been in vain.
Perhaps I haven't lost a son.
Maybe I've gained another patient.
Now, look...
# Pussycat, pussycat, you're so thrilling
# And I'm so willing to care for you
# So go and make up
your big little pussycat eyes
# Pussycat, pussycat, I love you
# Yes, I do
# You and your pussycat eyes
# What's new, pussycat?
Whoa-o-o
# What's new, pussycat?
Whoa-o-o-o
# What's new, pussycat?
Whoa-o-o
# What's new, pussycat?
Whoa-o-o-o
ENHOH