(TAKE BACK THE WORLD PLAYING)
Light as a feather
Stiff as a board
I'm-a elevate myself
on my own accord
Ain't nobody's business
Who's life is this?
You question my existence
I'm-a read you the list
I'll keep you on your toes
That's just how it goes
You can deal with the lows
Just keep dodging the blows
So I'm-a do me
Who else do I be?
'Cause I create my own destiny
I'm-a take back the world
Yo, you got this, girl
I'm steppin' up my game
I'll keep repeating the same
Be on my hustle every
minute of the day
It was mine for the taking anyways
I'm-a take back the world
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
How come you always look
so great in the morning?
Do I? Aw.
Got to go, babe.
Oh! I made tempeh sausage.
Hey, so, I was thinking
that maybe you'd want to be my date
to my sister's wedding.
There's a vegetarian alternative.
I already checked.
Are your parents going to be there?
At my sister's wedding? I think so.
I don't know.
It just feels a little serious.
Oh.
I'm sorry, it just...
It felt kind of serious last night
when you were doing me from behind,
but I couldn't see your face, so...
You know, if you ever want
to just hook up, you can call me.
Oh, thank you, Rick.
That's very generous of you.
Yeah.
- See you around.
- Keep it green.
I roll with the punches
Take 'em as they come
There's some disappointment
But what's the point
[WOMAN]: Colin, hurry up.
Take a break for a sec
Prepare for what's coming next
I'm-a take back the world
[DAISY]: (SIGHS)
Ally, I could have told you
it wasn't going to work out with
Rick two months ago.
Why?
You love meat, you hate cyclists.
- I do love meat.
- And to be honest,
I was always a little worried about the way
he kept wanting to do it doggy style.
Some people like that, you know.
No, nobody likes it.
Even the dogs are just waiting
for it to be over.
How many relationships do I have to have
before I meet the right guy?
Evidently a lot.
Hi. Hi, I'm the bride. I'm Daisy.
If you could just...
I'm-a take back the world
Yo, you got this, girl
I'm steppin' up my game
I'll keep repeating the same
Be on my hustle every
minute of the day
Never let it get away
I'm staying motivated
Keep it uncomplicated
Nothing in between me and my dream
Be on my hustle every
minute of the day
It was mine for the taking anyways
I'm-a take back the world
Hi.
- Hi, guys. Hi.
- Hi.
Right now. Thinking or smelling?
Ooh, no doubt smelling.
Oh, he's obviously thinking.
Whatever she's saying
is thought-provoking.
That would be true if she's talking
about what his finger smells like.
- Ally.
- Hi.
Jet Li is not related to Bruce Lee.
Lee is a very common Chinese last name.
They both know kung fu, but that's the...
Keep your coat on.
Okay, hold... I got to call you back.
Sweetheart, we have to let you go.
I'm sorry,
but we had to make some painful cuts.
(SNIFFING)
[ALLY]:
Who else is getting fired?
Well, for now,
just you.
Oy!
(CELL PHONE CACKLING)
(WHISPERING) Hi, Mom, can I call you
right back? I'm in a meeting. Okay.
Mmm.
(SCOFFS)
Not necessary.
No.
Oh.
10.5? Holy shit!
I'm sorry.
It just says here,
the average number of lovers
women have in their lifetime is 10.5.
Yeah, that seems very high.
High? No, that's low!
- 10.5 is low!
- Whatever you say.
(SIGHS)
(SHOWER RUNNING)
Valerio!
Oh! Finally!
Hi, Mom.
Ow.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry, the train was late. You look great.
I'm growing out my bangs.
Mmm.
Oh, where is Rick?
Rick's on a business
trip, for his business.
Oh, nuts! I was looking forward
to finally meeting him.
At least this one
doesn't make balloon animals.
Why aren't you wearing
the dress I bought you?
This is the dress you bought me.
What? It looked very different
on the mannequin.
- Is Daisy upstairs?
- Yes, she is. She is a wreck!
Okay. I'm gonna go check on her.
Please do.
- Oh, your cousin Beau is here.
- Step-cousin.
He's a step-cousin.
We're not even really related.
Beau.
Hi.
Oh, thank God you're here.
Mom has been such a bitch
ever since Eddie's parents got here.
She just cannot believe
that her marriage ended before theirs did.
Well, Dad should be here soon,
so she'll have someone else
to focus her hatred on.
Um, Dad's not coming.
She wouldn't let me invite him here.
Are you inviting him to the wedding?
(SIGHS) I don't know.
Oh.
Hey, what was Creepy Puppet Guy's
actual name?
You mean the guy who lived next door
who was obsessed with me? Gerry Perry.
Gerry Perry! Thank you.
What are you writing?
Nothing, just some notes for my toast.
Is it gonna rhyme?
That depends. What rhymes with "orgy"?
You just keep it
under three minutes. Ready?
- You look amazing.
- Thank you.
You go ahead.
I'll be down in a couple of minutes.
Okay.
Eight, nine, 10, 11,
12, 13, 14, 15,
16, 17, 18, 19.
Holy shit. 19?
(GLASS CLINKING)
May I have your attention, please?
Oh, yoo-hoo! (LAUGHS)
Can I have your attention, please?
I want to thank you all,
- each and every one...
- Huh.
Cute.
(CHUCKLES)
Beau.
Careful. He can be a little rough
on the nipples.
...to celebrate my dream come true,
the engagement of Daisy and Eddie.
(GASPS) Ooh.
As most of you know, we are a family
that likes to toast one another.
So, to start the ball rolling,
Daisy's big sister... Ally?
Ally.
(GIGGLING)
[ALLY]: Hello.
Hello.
(LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
When Daisy first told me
that she was dating Eddie,
I couldn't believe it.
[GUESTS]: Aw!
I said, "Eddie Vogel?"
"The schmuck you went out with
in high school?"
"He was the biggest douche-bag
of them all".
(CHUCKLES)
Even worse than Baby Hands.
You guys remember him?
Baby Hands.
You know how Eddie broke up with her?
He started dating her best friend,
who's here tonight, by the way.
Sheila, stand up.
(SIGHS)
But...
But
when Eddie saw Daisy
at their high school reunion,
he knew what a big mistake he had made.
No offense, Sheila.
And now, Eddie's amazing.
You wouldn't even know
he's the same guy.
Except he looks exactly the same.
(LAUGHING)
God! I wish I went
to my high school reunion,
but I was growing out my bangs.
I'm always growing out my bangs.
Don't get bangs.
Well, to Daisy and Eddie!
(GUESTS GASP)
It's okay. It's okay.
(GUESTS CHATTING)
[SHEILA]: Okay, to Daisy and Eddie
and the end of your life.
To Daisy and Eddie.
- [ALL]: To Daisy and Eddie.
- To me.
Okay, it's party game time!
- Oh, a game? Really?
- Absolutely!
But which one?
God, what to play? What to play?
Ooh! Let's write down
the number of people we slept with.
- Great idea, Katie.
- What?
Okay, we just need paper
and more drinks. Be right back.
Of all the gin joints in all the towns.
Of all the clichs in all the world.
Wow. I didn't know you were
gonna take getting fired so hard.
I don't have to laugh at your jokes anymore
because you're not my boss.
Let me buy you these drinks.
I feel really bad about today.
Really?
Thanks. I can't afford them anyway.
Can I be honest with you?
You never seemed
to like marketing anyhow.
I liked it.
Yeah, but you didn't love it.
I guess I did you a favor.
Now you can go get a job that you love
with a boss who you, uh, like.
I like you.
Really? How much?
(LAUGHS)
She bought the whole bottle, didn't she?
[ALLY]: Okay, so just write down
the number of guys you've slept with
and put it in this glass,
and then we'll pick out the number
and guess who it belongs to.
Daisy, you go first.
Yeah.
Four.
- Oh! That's me.
- Yay!
No, no, no, that's not how
you're supposed to play the game.
We're supposed to guess.
Who wasn't gonna guess Katie?
She married Matt when she was, like, 12.
- I'm surprised you've had that many.
- Well...
[ALLY]: Katie, your turn,
let's go.
Eight. Eight... Daisy.
Yes, and I am twice the woman you are.
Six.
- Jamie?
- Yep, that's me.
Wait a second, you're a seven.
- I never had sex with Lars.
- Yes, you did.
No. He only stuck it in just a little,
so it doesn't count.
- How much was it in?
- This much.
What is that? That tells me nothing.
I've no idea how big Lars' penis is.
I do. Counts.
Okay. How much needs to go in
to be considered sex?
Anything more than the tip.
Fine, I'm a seven. I mean, eight.
- Shit! Nine!
- Atta girl.
Okay, Jamie, you go.
Hmm.
Thirteen.
[KATIE GASPS]: Thirteen?
Who here is a 13?
Me.
- Whore!
- Trashy girl. Slut.
- [KATIE]: Sheila!
- [JAMIE]: Slut!
Slutty whore!
What is the big deal?
That is 13 different penises in one vagina.
[SHEILA]: It's not like they were
all in there at the same time.
You know what? I'm done with this.
Ally, you go.
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
Go, go, go, go.
(COUGHS)
Oh!
Wow, look at that, nine.
I drew myself. Game over.
Wait. A one. Is this yours?
- Uh...
- Oh, my God.
You're at 91.
No! I'm at nine!
You're at 19.
[KATIE GASPS]: Nineteen!
(ALL EX CLAIMING)
Hello, friend.
Fine, I admit it. I'm at 19,
almost twice the national average.
It's bad!
And look at this, there's even a whole
article in Marie Claire about it.
I thought that playing this game would
make me feel better about my number,
but now I think the homeless lady
on the train was right. It's high!
Apparently in America, 96% of women
who have been with 20 or more lovers
can't find a husband.
- It actually says 20?
- Mmm-hmm.
Who cares? Who did that study anyway?
The scientists over there
at Marie Claire magazine?
Hey, that magazine
taught me how to orgasm.
Actually, that study
was conducted by Dr. Helen Fig,
a postdoctoral fellow
at Harvard University.
Shit!
I see it in my practice all the time.
When you're too sexually available,
it messes with your self-esteem.
Next thing you know,
you're 45 with no self-respect, no husband,
and no muscle tone in your pelvic floor.
Okay. Well, that is not gonna happen to me.
Harvard says that 20 is the limit.
I'm at 19,
so that gives me one more chance.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay.
I'm gonna make a proclamation.
(PATRONS EX CLAIMING)
Shut up! I'm proclamating.
Okay. I am not gonna sleep with
one more guy until I am sure he's the one.
I may not have control over much,
but I do have control over my pelvic floor.
The next guy who vacations
at casa esperanza
is going to be my husband.
- All right.
- Yeah.
To taking control of my own destiny.
[ALL]: To taking control!
To better decision-making
and goal-following-through.
To better decision-making and goals!
To 20!
[ALL]: To 20!
(ALL CHEERING)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, shit.
(WHIMPERING) Oh, no. Oh, my God.
(GROANS)
Hi.
- I slept with my ex-boss.
- Carol?
No! The job I just got fired from.
- You got fired?
- This is your fault.
When I tried to get you to leave the
bar last night, you spit on me.
But congratulations.
You said 20 is your husband.
Now you're at 20.
- Shut up.
- I have to admit
that I just did not think
it was gonna happen this quickly,
but I'm so excited.
Hey, Eddie, Ally's gonna get married.
- Great.
- He's thrilled.
I know you're just being a bitch,
but maybe he is my husband.
Maybe it's fate. Now we've got
a great story to tell our grandkids.
I don't know
why I never considered him before.
(SNIFFING)
He's not my husband.
(TAP RUNNING)
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Hey, you're out of toilet paper.
- Okay.
Oh, did you make coffee?
No. There's a Starbucks
on your way to the T.
Oh, that's okay.
Did you get the newspaper?
No, no, I don't get that.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Morning, 6-C.
- That's not mine.
Okay. I locked myself out of my apartment.
My keys and wallet, everything,
it's over there. Can I use your phone?
Sure, of course, let me just get that.
Hey, Roger, why don't we talk later?
Because I think 6-A really needs my help.
- Colin.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
So,
how about some dinner tonight?
- Tonight, tonight?
- Mmm-hmm.
Oh, we have that tenants' meeting tonight.
Oh! That's right. Tenants' meeting.
(SNIFFING)
Oh, we're trying to get
this very loud bird evicted.
But why don't I call you later
and we'll figure out
maybe another time
that we can get together.
Okay.
[ALLY]: Bye.
Hi, I'm Roger.
Hey, do you think the woman
coming out of your apartment
could have helped you
with the "being locked out" problem?
(LAUGHING)
Okay.
Uh, I had a little situation
that I needed to get out of,
not unlike your situation here, so I...
Lied to her, then lied to me?
I look at it as trying
to avoid hurt feelings.
Wow.
This is pretty cool. Where'd you get this?
I made it.
- No shit.
- Shit.
Listen, I don't want to have anything to do
with your crusade to sleep
with every woman in Boston, okay?
They're kind of like my sisters.
Wow. I thought you'd be cooler than this.
I saw that toast you made on YouTube.
Seemed like you had
a good sense of humor.
Those bitches put my toast up
on YouTube?
How did you see it already?
I got everybody in the building
on Google Alert.
I come from a family of cops,
it's in my nature to dig up dirt.
Guy in 4-D tried to marry his dog.
- No! Bandit?
- Oh, yeah.
All right, well, looks
like the coast is clear.
Thank you. You're a peach.
You're a pig.
Mmm.
(GRUNTS)
This is good.
Okay, okay, that's enough.
I think the idea is just to taste them.
Why? Nobody's ever gonna
see me naked again.
I might as well enjoy myself.
Yeah, like you're really gonna be celibate.
I don't have a choice.
I said I was gonna stop at 20,
and now, thanks to
that finger-smelling fuck, I'm at 20.
Just promise me you're not gonna put me
at the singles' table
with Sheila and her mom. Please.
Seating is really complicated.
Oh, my God.
Wait.
- Does that guy look familiar to you?
- No.
Oh, shit!
- (GASPS)
- What?
That's Disgusting Donald! I dated him.
- Did I ever meet him?
- No! Nobody did.
He's the reason I learned to cook.
(GROANS) We have nothing to eat!
Honey, let's go out tonight.
I don't know.
There's just so many people out there.
Come on. I want to try the new Korean
barbecue place everyone's talking about.
I can make Korean barbecue.
Easy. What do we need?
Uh, a table with a grill built into it.
That guy doesn't look disgusting at all.
He's actually kind of cute.
I know, but I really think it's him.
All right, well, go say hi and see.
Mmm.
Ally?
- Donald?
- Oh, my gosh.
- It is you.
- Hi.
Hi. I can't believe it.
I cannot believe it.
Yeah, well...
Oh, Ally, please meet my fiance, Cara.
- Hi.
- This is Ally.
- Nice to meet you.
- You, too.
Wow. So, how did you guys meet?
- At a conference.
- At a conference.
Can you believe it?
She's a rocket scientist.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
I'm actually just an engineer,
but he loves to say that.
- You know, I'm not the typical...
- I get it.
Ally and I are old friends.
What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm just tasting some cake
for my wedding.
- Oh!
- I'm marrying a scientist, too.
Yeah, he doesn't look smart either.
I'm here with my sister
because he's up in the North Pole
dealing with the whole icecap situation.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
He's probably gonna fix it.
I can't believe that he said
that we were just friends.
Like I was the embarrassment!
He had man boobs, big hairy ones.
God! I can't believe it's the same guy.
He looks so good now. He even looks taller.
A lot of men get better with age.
I mean, you said it yourself,
Eddie used to be a total douche.
People change.
You're right.
Daisy, you're a genius.
I don't have to be celibate or go over 20.
What do you mean?
Donald can't be my only ex
who's gotten better with time.
(EXHALES) Okay.
Love you.
(ANIMAL PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
Right.
(READING)
Okay. Huh!
Jake Adams' dad.
Jake Adams' Facebook.
Okay.
Jake Adams III.
No, Jake Adams IV.
Oh, forget it.
All right, moving on, for now.
What do we have next?
Mike Miller.
Eleven million results?
Holy shit!
From Cresskill, New Jersey.
Eight million results! What the fuck?
Mike Miller from Cresskill, New Jersey,
obsessed with Bruce Springsteen,
big balls, tiny penis?
What? No! God!
Oh, God, stop it! No!
[AUTOMATED VOICE]: Goodbye.
(GROANS)
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
Balls.
(SINGING) You know, I swing them
left and I swing them right
[COLIN]: That's not my fault.
(CHUCKLES)
I told you not to put it there.
Under the bed.
Hi.
Morning, 6-C.
Hey, I see that you have company,
but I just want to ask you
a really quick question.
Remember how you said
you were good at digging up dirt?
Do you think that maybe I could pay you
to find some people for me?
Sweetheart, if I'm gonna help you,
you got to give me more info than that.
Just some guys that I've dated.
Oh, you have herpes.
That's not a fun call to make.
No, I...
I don't know. I just...
I think that one of these guys
might be worth a second look.
No. I refuse to be
a part of this type of crazy.
I don't know why these guys broke up
with you, and I need to protect them.
Wait. Why do you assume
they all broke up with me?
Because you seem like the type of girl
who tries to make a bad thing work.
Some people call that optimism.
I call it crazy.
I'm sorry I asked. I knew you'd be a jerk.
Don't be mad.
It doesn't mean I won't sleep with you.
Ugh! Gross.
Colin! Colin, open up! Colin!
Colin, we got to go!
Mom fell in the shower.
- What?
- Yeah, she fell in the shower!
Hi.
She's at the hospital. She's all wet.
We got to get out of here!
They're drying her off right now,
as we speak.
I'm so sorry.
You seem like a really awesome person.
I'm sure he's gonna call you,
but we got to go!
Come on! She's hurt!
(CHUCKLES) Very impressive.
Hmm.
You help me track down my exes,
I'll help you escape yours.
What happened to protecting your sisters?
If those girls can't see you coming,
they deserve what they get.
Wow. Jesus.
This place really goes
on and on, doesn't it?
And you can use my apartment to hide in.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Thanks, Diana. Okay.
So, here's all the info I have on the guys.
Names, most recent phone numbers...
Hey! Addresses.
Find out who's alive, single,
and still on the East Coast, okay?
I'll take a car or a
train, but not a plane.
I prioritized the list,
so start at the top.
Jake Adams. Is that the one that got away?
Well, something like that.
His dad's name is also Jake Adams
and he owns, like, half of Boston.
- So, he should be pretty easy to find.
- The Jake Adams?
Well, he may not be hard to find,
but I guarantee
he's gonna be hard to get to.
You don't have a phone number or address
or anything like that?
If I had that, I wouldn't need you.
I do know that Tom Piper
is on the fast track to becoming a senator.
Oh, and move John Kimble
up to number three.
He probably still works at Starbucks,
but he's the best sex I've ever had.
You haven't had sex with me.
No, but I have had sex with other
overly confident struggling musicians.
So, I'm good.
What makes you think I'm a musician?
Guitar in your apartment,
you dress like a horny teenager,
I paid for that sandwich.
Struggling musician.
So, I don't get it.
Why go through all this trouble?
Why not just find a new guy?
No. No new guys.
New is always better than old.
Of course you'd say that.
I bet the longest relationship
you've ever had is with that sandwich.
(CHIT CHATPLAYING)
What's it like for you to fall
asleep with all your thoughts?
Do you wake up blue?
Do you just sleep it off?
- That's pretty.
- I know.
Are you really gonna let us look good
at your wedding?
No. That's Mom's dress.
Those are the bridesmaids' dresses.
- (GASPS)
- (GROANS)
Sorry. Mom picked them out,
and I'm trying to keep her happy
because I invited Dad to the wedding.
- Have you told Mom?
- No, not yet.
(GASPS) Oh, wow!
I think this is it, right?
(ALL EX CLAIMING)
It's beautiful.
- Perfect.
- I love it.
That is a lot of poof.
The poof is what I like about it.
But don't you want to have
wedding night sex with your dress still on?
- I don't know. Do I?
- Yeah, naughty bride, you do.
I'm just concerned
that with all those layers
he's not gonna be able to find your vagina.
- Good point.
- I mean, forget about 69.
She's not gonna 69.
- Why not?
- Because she's a grown-up.
Sixty-nines are for when you're 17
and you're trying to cram everything in
at once before your parents get home.
Thank you.
Matt is always trying to do that,
and I say, "Let's just take turns".
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- "What's the rush?"
Oh, my God. He found Dave Hansen.
Wait. Are you tracking down
all your ex-boyfriends
so you don't have to go over 20?
- What?
- Think about it.
If it works out with one of these guys,
that means a whole period of my life
won't have been a waste.
Yeah, but it didn't work out
with any of those guys
because they were all wrong for you.
Dave Hansen.
Isn't that the magician you dated?
I believe this is yours.
I believe these are yours.
Wow! You work fast!
This one was easy. He has his own website,
supersexymagic dot com.
Well, I'm sure I'll be able to find him.
So, you can scoot and skedaddle.
And miss the show?
(LAUGHS) Okay.
(LAUGHING)
Nope, I'm done here.
That's it?
Why? Because he's a bartender?
No, because he's still a bartender.
He's exactly where he was nine years ago,
an out-of-work magician
who sleeps till noon, bartends till 3:00,
and goes around
pulling money out of people.
He keeps your quarter, by the way.
So what? You could have had some fun
for old times' sake.
No. You know,
even if it didn't raise my number,
I can't afford to waste anymore time
on guys like him.
Wait, wait, wait.
That's what this is about?
You don't want to raise your number!
That's why you won't sleep with me.
No, there's a lot of reasons
why I won't sleep with you.
No, there's not.
I don't know why girls care so much
about their number anyway.
You guys all have this ideal girl
in your minds
and if our number gets too high,
we can't be that girl.
The ideal girl. Tell me about her.
You know,
you can take her home to the family,
she's smart, but not smarter than you,
and she bakes apple pies with your mom
and plays catch
with your handicapped sister,
but then when you're alone,
she's takes off her glasses
and puts on a vinyl cat suit
and fucks you sideways!
That girl doesn't exist.
If she did, I'd be sleeping with her.
And what kind of guy cares about how
many people you've slept with anyway?
Decent guys.
Hey! What are you doing?
Waiting for
(HISSES)
Amy to leave.
You hooked up with someone last night
after I left you?
Hooking up sounds so crass.
We shared a romantic experience.
And then I told her
I had an early dentist appointment,
and I'm hiding on your
couch till she leaves.
Well, maybe you could use this downtime
to do some actual work.
I am working.
I set up a Facebook account for you.
(SIGHS) I don't want to be on Facebook.
What picture did you use?
The one I just took of you sleeping.
I think this is gonna be better.
While you're looking for them,
they can be looking for you.
Fine, but I refuse to tweet.
Ooh!
Number 14, Evan Slater,
has friend-requested you.
He's tagged you in a photo
and he's suggested
you become a fan of Tito's Tacos.
Ooh. I liked Evan.
Yeah, and who doesn't like tacos?
(GASPS) He's adorable.
And so are his wife and kids.
Well, he clearly doesn't understand
what Facebook is for.
You know, if you don't start
taking this job more seriously,
you're fired from using my apartment.
Where's my coffee pot?
I broke it.
If you were on Twitter,
you'd know that already.
You owe me $19.95.
How about I pay you back in Chinese food?
I ordered Charlie Chiang.
Did you get the itty-bitty spare ribs?
Okay, I'll be there in five minutes.
Hey.
Hey, come on in.
(EXHALES IN AWE)
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Dad didn't take me to too many ball games,
but we did go on a lot of stakeouts.
It's impressive.
[COLIN]: Okay, so Mike Miller
and Eric Hamilton are married.
So is Valerio, the guy from Italy.
- Ew.
- Plum sauce?
Yes, please, but no mustard.
No mustard? Mustard's the best part.
Not if you hate mustard.
Anything on Jake Adams yet?
No. I'm sorry.
I told you, rich people are very good
at protecting their privacy,
but just be patient, we'll find him.
What about Simon Forester?
He's separated
and his house just went on the market,
so I'm guessing a divorce
is right around the corner.
Huh. Okay. Let's try Simon.
Simon.
Okay, so what's my plan?
Guy getting a divorce.
Divorce...
I could find out who his lawyer is
and get a job there as his assistant.
Or we keep it simple
and you just go look at his open house.
Huh.
The challenge with a newly divorced guy
is that he's just looking to have fun.
What you got to do
is give him the best sex of his life.
He can't realize that he's falling
in love with you until it's too late.
So, I'm covering up the fact that
I'm marriage material with amazing sex?
- Yeah. How's your blowjob?
- What?
Relax. This is business.
I'm trying to help you.
Well, if you must know, it's pretty good.
It's the hand job
I haven't quite figured out yet.
Well, I guarantee you he has, so skip it.
All right, I guess this is it.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
This is nice. Simon's doing well.
I wonder where the realtor is.
Hello?
Is that...
(EX CLAIMS)
What the...
- Donald!
- Ally!
What the fuck are you doing in my home?
Uh...
The door was open, so I just assumed
this was the open house.
No. No. This is my house.
You're in my home.
Oh, well...
My fianc, Pierre,
and I are looking to buy a place
when he gets back from the North Pole.
Hey, Ally, can I go ahead
and get that picture back from you?
(LAUGHS) Oh, I'm sorry. Oops.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
That was Disgusting Donald.
He didn't look disgusting.
He was disgusting when I dated him, okay?
Oh, my God, there's Simon.
He looks good for a guy
going through a divorce.
Before you take my order,
I do feel compelled to explain
why a single, straight man
is having high tea by himself
on Beacon Hill.
Well,
I'm just so homesick
that I'd kill for anything English.
Okay, so go. I can take it from here.
- Don't shove me.
- Get out of here.
Don't shove me.
- Get out of here!
- Hey! I said don't shove me!
Ally Darling?
Is that you?
Simon, I can't believe it.
What are the chances?
It's brilliant to see you.
It is brilliant.
Simon, this is my neighbor, Colin.
But he has to go now.
No, I don't.
- Pleasure.
- No, no, the pleasure's all mine.
Wow.
Wow. It's great to see...
Did you look this good
when we were dating?
Oh, well, I had a fringe back then.
That's bangs. "Fringe" is "bangs".
- Americans.
- Listen, they're showing my house,
so I've got to disappear for an hour or so,
but do you fancy grabbing a pint?
Smashing.
Cheerio, Colin.
How are you fancying driving on the right?
Cross Simon off the list.
What happened?
(SIGHS) My British accent was a little
rusty, and halfway through darts
I started sounding like Eliza Doolittle.
Don't take your eye off the board.
No. Straight. Just... Higher. Better.
(WITH COCKNEY ACCENT)
Bloody 'ell! I'm rubbish at this.
You were saying you got sacked.
Yep. Losing me job
wasn't the end of the world.
Still got me mates and a roof over me 'ead.
I don't need much, just a room somewhere,
far away from the cold night air.
And then when I tried to pull out of it,
for some reason I panicked
and went full Borat.
(WITH STRANGE ACCENT)
So, I order another round?
No. No, I think we better call it a night.
Oh, no! I talk whole time.
I know nothing about you.
(WITH SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT)
So, what's next for Svorgon?
Svorgon?
I turned into the Swedish Chef
from The Muppets.
He was my favorite.
(SIGHS) Okay. Who else we got?
I thought we weren't allowed up here.
Didn't you get that memo?
I wrote that memo.
It was getting kind of crowded,
and my band and I practice up here.
Where does your band play?
Here, for now.
My mom's friend is looking for a band
for her son's bar mitzvah.
No, thank you. We're not that kind of band.
The kind that makes money?
Let's drop it.
We got 10 possibilities left.
Jay from Club Med Turkoise.
I'm trying, but I need more info.
I'm sorry, it was spring break.
Jay may not even be his real name.
I'm certainly not Kelli with an "I".
Barrett Ingold, lives in Miami.
I know it's not geographically desirable,
but he is a doctor now.
Don't care. I hate Miami.
I think too much sun makes people stupid.
Okay. How do you feel about Denver?
I found the mountain man, and that guy
has got a caboose worth relocating for.
Pass! He always wanted
to breathe fresh air.
Do you know how exhausting it was
to pretend to enjoy the outdoors
with that kind of enthusiasm?
More exhausting
than pretending to be British?
I never had to wipe myself with a leaf
when I was pretending to be British.
Touch. What about Gerry Perry?
He's a puppeteer, so he's single.
(GRUNTS)
I don't want to go out with Gerry Perry.
Where's Jake Adams?
- In Noyaradougou.
- What? Where the hell's that?
Africa.
He runs
his family's philanthropic foundation
and he's overseeing the construction
of a school there.
Is he ever coming back?
Eventually. In the meantime,
I've got Gerry Perry.
(GROANING) No!
(COLIN LAUGHING)
All right, so the puppet show starts at
2:00, and I'll meet you at the park.
(SIGHING) Okay.
- Hey, Colin.
- Yeah?
Thank you for all your hard work,
by the way.
I really appreciate it.
You do?
Because sometimes, it's hard to tell.
Really?
Oh...
(CHUCKLES)
What are you doing?
Trying to end the night with a bang.
(ALLY SIGHS)
You really can't hang out with a girl
without sleeping with her, can you?
Well, I can, it's just not that much fun.
(WHISPERING) You're not on my list.
You could just cross off the dead guy,
put my name on there.
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
[GERRY AS PUPPET]:
Who did the poop?
[ALL]: You did the poop!
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Whose kid is this?
- He's my nephew.
If I'd shown up to the puppet show
without a child, it might be creepy.
Great. Huh.
- Can you say hi, Justin?
- Arr!
He's a pirate.
[GERRY AS PUPPET]:
What are you talking about?
- All right, you're up.
- Great.
Come on.
- Thanks, Gerry.
- You're welcome. (CHUCKLES)
Daisy home?
No.
(GRUNTING)
So, when do you think Daisy will be home?
- Gerry?
- Ally?
- Oh, my God, what are you doing here?
- Hi. Oh,
you know, I'm just
babysitting for a friend.
Ah, cool. So, you saw the magical show.
Yeah! Wow, the kids, they just love it.
That's just because I say "poop" a lot.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hey, so,
(IMITATING FANFARE)
Recognize this bad boy?
Hey there, Smart Alec.
Hi.
So, how are you?
Quit being a pussy,
and ask her about Daisy.
What? Come on, man, don't be rude.
You are rude. Sorry about that.
That's okay. I'm great.
Great, great. Well, you look great.
Not as great as Daisy.
Ignore him.
(GRUNTS)
Hey, but seriously,
maybe we should exchange numbers,
you know, and catch up.
You know what? I think I'm all caught up.
Cool!
But it was really great running into you.
Great running into you.
- (AS PUPPET) No, it wasn't.
- [GERRY]: Big mouth.
Okay, I'll see you around.
- Hey, Daisy.
- Hey.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Daisy...
I can't believe I slept with that guy.
- Where's Justin?
- This is Justin.
That's not Justin.
What's the matter with you?
Didn't your mom teach you
to not walk off with strangers?
What's the matter with you?
You didn't realize you had
a completely different human being?
Justin!
Okay. What does your mommy look like?
Like you.
Lucas! Get back here!
Wait. Wait.
Do you really think
I look like your mommy? Huh?
Answer me!
Answer me, Lucas!
Lucas!
No disappearing acts, buddy.
Okay, I am not buying you any more food
until you find Jake Adams.
If he was so perfect,
why didn't it work out in the first place?
Well, we made this pact that we would
lose our virginity to each other,
but Jake went abroad junior year,
and while he was gone,
I broke the pact.
With who?
Which one of the 20 could have possibly
been better than Jake Adams?
And why aren't we looking for him?
You already found him.
Gerry Perry?
You lost your virginity to the puppeteer?
(LAUGHING)
I know. I felt bad for him.
Oh, Ally, I underestimated you.
That's amazing.
That's... That's my new favorite thing
about you.
Hi. Thank you.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Is Eddie coming?
- No. Mom. Don't go.
(SIGHS)
I can't have lunch with Mom.
I didn't wash my hair.
You can't even tell. It looks great.
You haven't told Mom
Dad's coming to the wedding, have you?
- No.
- And that's why I'm here.
- Yes.
- And my hair doesn't look that great?
No. I can't tell her alone.
Fine. Pass the butter.
- (HUMMING THE WEDDING MARCH)
- Hi, Mummy.
Hi, Mom.
Kitty. Oh, my.
So, the caterer called.
Um, how strict a vegetarian
is your boyfriend Rick, honey?
Would he be willing to eat
just a little chicken for one night?
No, Rick's not coming. They broke up.
- Daisy!
- What? Not again.
- Dad's coming to the wedding.
- What?
Ally!
How could you do this to me?
I'm not doing anything to you, Mom.
Except making it impossible
for me to come.
You're not gonna come to my wedding?
Not if your father's coming, I'm not.
Maybe he can be Allison's date. Hmm?
I'm sure you will just have
a lovely, lovely time.
- Bye, Mom. Bye.
- Bye, Mom.
- You have to fix this.
- I'll talk to her when I get back.
- Where are you going?
- Miami, for a Pap smear.
- Why?
- Do you remember Barrett Ingold?
The guy who threw up in our dishwasher?
Yeah. He's a gynecologist now.
But you hate Miami.
I know. But I'm not having
as much luck as I'd hoped locally
and I'm running out of time,
money, and viable eggs.
So, you're telling me
that tracking down your ex-boyfriends
is more important
than helping me plan my wedding?
I know it sounds stupid to you,
but it is important.
I feel like everyone else
is moving on with their lives but me.
Ally, I'm all for moving on, I really am,
but it just feels like
this quest you're on is a little nuts.
(SIGHS) You know what? If you hadn't given
your ex-boyfriend a second chance,
you wouldn't even be having a wedding.
Besides, I need a Pap smear
and he takes my insurance.
I'm late for my spray tan.
Hello, Allison.
Barrett?
Oh, my God, is that you?
Hi.
It's Ally. Ally Darling.
Oh. Yeah, from spinning.
No.
From... Oh, Greg's birthday party.
We went to college together.
- We dated.
- Oh.
How about that?
Well, that was a long time ago.
So, let's see how things are going now.
Can you scooch?
Very good.
(HUMMING)
Ally! Of course.
He recognized my vagina!
What's going on down there?
I got to say, I'm a little freaked out.
Well, I'd be happy to take a look for you.
(GROANS) I used all my miles for that!
Cross Barrett off the list!
You know what? Cross the list off the list!
What am I doing?
Unemployed, spending every last dime
trying to track down these assholes
who already broke up with me once.
Maybe I should just quit.
Well, that's too bad,
'cause I found Tom Piper.
Keep talking.
He's in D.C., like you said.
He's working as an aide
for Senator Mitchell.
I don't have anything
a politician's wife would wear.
Ooh!
I do have a store credit
for Ann Taylor. Ha!
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- Hi.
[DAISY]: I'm on your street
and I have to poo.
Okay, let yourself in,
I'll be home in 10 minutes.
Hi.
Hey.
Oh, Jesus.
Tell me you're not naked on my couch
next to my sister.
Thankfully, he doesn't like to play
without his underwear.
The guitar gets cold against his penis.
So, you two have met.
Hey, remember Tom Piper?
Colin found him in D.C.,
so I'm going there tomorrow,
wearing this!
I'm so excited.
Then why would you wear a pantsuit?
Don't you have your interview
at Sheffield and Bloom tomorrow?
That's the beauty of a pantsuit, you know.
It works for both a super-boring interview
and for an accidental, on-purpose
encounter with my future husband.
Hey, did you ever try and sell
those freaky little sculptures you make?
- No, she needs a real job.
- Oh, yeah, those are just a hobby.
[COLIN]:
I think they're amazing.
You should try.
Not everyone can do that, you know.
Excuse me,
would you mind giving me and Ally
a little bit of privacy, please?
- She has to poo.
- Ally!
Hey, hasn't your lady friend left yet?
No, I guess this one's a late sleeper.
Wait. Are you...
Is he hiding out here
because there's a woman in his apartment?
He is.
That's it. I'm going
to Anthony's Bakery. Excuse me.
Do you want to grab me a cannoli? No?
(DOOR CLOSING)
Okay. Keys.
- Who the hell are you?
- Andrea.
He didn't tell you he was engaged?
No. I am so sorry.
When I told him I was engaged,
he didn't say anything.
(SOBBING)
(MOUTHING)
Why?
Tits!
Oh. Oh.
Oh. Why? Why?
(DOOR CLOSING)
Hey, wouldn't it be easier
if you just spent the night
at their apartments
and left in the morning, like a normal guy?
No.
I once stayed in a relationship with a girl
because of a picture she had
on her bedside table.
It was her dressed as Cinderella
on her fifth birthday.
Grab that.
So?
So, every time I tried to split with her,
I'd picture that little girl
in the blue dress.
Happy. Excited about Monty,
her new gerbil,
who she would later kill
by accidentally putting him in the dryer.
(SIGHS)
Just couldn't break that
little girl's heart.
So you're saying it's easier to sleep
with girls and never call them again
if you don't know anything about them?
Kind of like a serial killer.
Yeah, I guess so.
Hmm.
[COLIN ON PHONE]: Hey,
so I talked to Piper's assistant.
He said he's gonna be doing research
in the library of the Adams Building
for the rest of the day.
Oh, wait. Hold on.
My leg fell asleep on the train.
Pins and needles. Pins and needles.
- Punch it.
- Really?
(GRUNTING)
I'm punching.
What? Your leg's
never fallen asleep before?
(TAP RUNNING)
What's that sound?
Nothing.
Hey, I didn't know you were such a big fan
of Lionel Richie.
You know, looking at somebody's playlist
is like reading their diary.
(CLICKS)
That's my bathtub.
(BOTH GRUNT)
Donald.
Ally... What are you doing here?
Visiting my fianc.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Your fianc who was at the North Pole?
- Yep.
He's back. Pierre is back.
Wow. Pierre just happens to be
in Washington, D.C.,
the same time that I have a conference?
Yep. He's meeting with the President.
- Oh. What a coincidence.
- (LAUGHS) I know.
It's crazy, isn't it?
Yeah, it is.
That's exactly what it is. Okay.
Do you like freedom?
- Sign here for freedom.
- Be on our mailing list for George Bush.
George W. Bush. Vote George Bush.
- Get on our mailing list.
- Vote for freedom.
(WHISPERING) No, no, no.
It's taken.
It's taken.
Okay, excuse me.
I'm just wondering...
if you could help me move the table
about three feet... this way?
I just... I like it better over there.
(CONTINUES WHISPERING)
Great, keep going just a little further.
Go, team. That's fantastic work.
Thank you. Almost.
Almost. Almost there. Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
(SHATTERS)
(ALL MURMURING)
Ally Darling.
Tom?
Shh!
(FEEL LUCKYPLAYING)
Oh, my God!
He's taking me to this party tonight.
I offered to stay at the Best Western,
but he insisted on putting me up
at the Omni.
[COLIN]: He dropped you
off at the hotel...
and didn't come up
for "it's good to see you" sex?
What'd you do to turn him off?
Nothing. He's a gentleman.
You wore that pantsuit, didn't you?
That pantsuit is sexy.
It's very Katharine Hepburn.
All right.
Let's clear something up right now.
Katharine Hepburn was not sexy.
Audrey Hepburn was sexy.
Katharine Hepburn was a dude.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Well, Tom is just a good guy.
Besides, you wouldn't know a gentleman
if he tiptoed up behind you
and tickled your balls.
Hello. Thank you.
(GASPS)
I just got a present.
Oh!
He just sent over
the most beautiful dress I've ever seen!
I feel like Cinderella.
Careful, if you're not home by midnight,
it might turn into a pantsuit.
(EX CLAIMING ECSTATICALLY)
Wow!
Look at you.
You don't...
You don't think it's a little small?
(LAUGHING)
I'm sorry.
It was hard to tell what was going on
underneath the pantsuit.
Perfect. You ready?
- (EXHALING) Okay.
- You all right?
(CELL PHONE CHIMING)
Excuse me.
All right.
- Ready? All right.
- Ready.
I feel lucky
I feel free
I feel everything's a possibility
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
I can't believe Senator
Phillips and his wife
- were talking to us for, like, 15 minutes.
- I know!
He didn't even know my name
before tonight.
Now he wants to hear my ideas
about the tobacco reform bill.
And she wants to take me out to lunch.
Some place with popovers!
(LAUGHING)
We make a great team.
With you by my side,
we could own this town.
We could totally own it.
I mean it, Ally.
Look, I have my eyes on a Senate seat,
and then the presidency.
Now, if tonight is any indication,
I think together we could go all the way.
- Let's do it!
- So, we're doing it?
Yeah!
What are we doing?
We're getting married!
- Oh.
- Yeah!
Well,
maybe we should kiss first
and see how that goes.
(STAMMERING) A kiss? No.
I want you to be my beard. I'm gay.
What?
Gay. Like super gay.
Like, one down here, one here,
one here, one here, gay.
I thought you knew that.
America's ready for a black President.
They're not ready for a
gay black President.
And we have history, Ally.
I mean, I wouldn't have known I was gay
if I hadn't dated you.
So, what do you say?
Can I get back to you?
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey, Bandit.
Wait, wait, wait. Don't move.
Stay right there.
What are you doing here?
I'm not depressed enough
to sleep with you.
Close your eyes.
- That won't help.
- And
open them.
What do you think?
My wiring's a little spotty.
Every time these go on,
your bathroom light burns out,
but I think it's worth it.
What did you do?
I think it really brings out the detail,
you know?
I never noticed Louie's gold tooth before.
I named him Louie, by the way.
(GASPS)
I can't believe it.
This is amazing.
Yeah. Well, you sounded depressed
on the phone, so...
You hungry?
I'm starving!
So, I got good news.
I found Julie from college.
She is a man now, and she's single.
She's cute. Looks like Ralph Macchio.
You know what?
Even if he were straight,
it wouldn't have worked anyway.
You got to be a lady to be the First Lady,
and I ain't no lady.
You're a lady. You're lots of lady.
You're once, twice, 20 times a lady.
(DRUMBEAT PLAYING)
Okay. Okay.
(SINGING) You're once, twice
Three times a lady
I love you
(WHOOPS)
Yeah, you're once, twice
Three times a lady
I love you
(WHOOPS)
Thank you. Thank you.
Whoa.
(EXHALES)
- Oh, shit.
- (LAUGHS)
I either need to lie down or throw up.
You okay?
Yeah. No.
I have to go to my sister's wedding alone.
I'll go with you.
- You'd do that?
- Yeah. Why not?
Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I still think I'm gonna throw up.
Let's get some air.
(WHISPERING) What are we doing?
Just because it's dark
doesn't mean you have to whisper.
(LAUGHS)
- Are we in the Garden?
- Yep.
This has got to be illegal.
Yeah, probably. I worked here one summer.
I passed out programs and I managed
to swipe a passkey before I got fired.
You got fired?
Yeah. There was an incident
with the mascot.
What happened?
I may or may not
have pissed in his pot of gold.
- Ever played H.O.R.S.E. In the Garden?
- No.
But I have played H.O.R.S.E.
Okay, okay.
Okay.
Oh! No!
"H" for you, my friend. What are you doing?
We're playing strip H.O.R.S.E.
Is there another kind?
There's the kind
where you keep your clothes on.
(SCOFFS) What's fun about that?
All right. "H".
Backboard.
(BOOM BOOM POWPLAYING)
Uh-huh.
Okay. Okay.
Oh, my God!
(GROANS)
Nope.
(EX CLAIMING)
Yeah!
Panty time!
(GROANS) Come on!
That was close. That's an "H".
This is not fair.
I miss one shot,
and I'm almost totally naked.
Well, that's the game.
Well, the game is changing.
It's now one-on-one.
This way. Let's go, baby.
Come get it.
Okay. Let's go.
Here we go, here we go
Satellite radio
Y'all getting hit with boom boom
Beats so big
I'm stepping on leprechauns
Shittin' on y'all with the boom boom
Shittin' on y'all with the boom boom
Shittin' on y'all with the...
(EX CLAIMS)
[ALLY]: Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
I think that dress
is gonna look good on him.
It's a good thing you play the guitar,
because you suck at basketball.
(LAUGHS)
Well, you can't be good at everything.
It just wouldn't be fair.
And I can't believe
that you can play Lionel Richie!
I can play a lot of things.
So, how come you don't make a living at it?
You're really good.
Ah, I want to play my own music.
Don't you worry about paying the rent?
I don't love marketing, but...
What do you love?
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
I love making those
freaky little sculptures,
but I'm not gonna make any money at that.
How do you know? You've never tried.
I've never jumped into the harbor, either.
Doesn't mean that it's a good idea.
I think it's a great idea.
I think it's the best idea you've ever had.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes!
- No.
- Yes!
(IN SINGSONG VOICE)
We are gonna jump in the harbor!
- No. No. No. No.
- Let's go.
God! No!
Let's do it!
(ALLY GROANS)
(SCREAMS)
(GASPING)
Holy fuck, this is fucking cold!
This is the worst idea you've ever had!
(LAUGHING)
I can't believe you finally got me naked.
Well, my shirt does look good on you.
Good, 'cause I'm keeping it.
No, you're not.
I can't afford to lose anymore shirts.
Women are always stealing my shirts.
Women aren't always stealing your shirts.
They're borrowing them, fully intending
to give them back, but you never call.
So, you're saying
that if I have fewer one-night stands,
I'll have more shirts?
I think so.
Well, then, that settles it.
I'm changing my ways,
and I'm not gonna lose anymore shirts.
Really?
Really.
In fact, I think I'm gonna
take this one back right now.
Good for you.
- Wait.
- It's okay, I have one.
No.
I have to slow down.
Okay. Okay, that's fine.
What if I just put it in a little bit?
It won't even count.
Eileen says it counts.
What about, like, that much?
- That's nothing.
- (LAUGHS)
You won't even feel it.
Okay. I understand. That's fine.
But I am gonna keep kissing you.
Hi.
Hi.
You look so beautiful in the morning.
- I do?
- Yeah.
(COLIN CLEARS THROAT)
How's this for a slice of awesome?
Mexican wrestling on pay-per-view all day.
I will run to the store and get eggs
and salsa for huevos rancheros,
you stay here and whip up margaritas.
Sound good?
Shit! I can't! Oh, my God!
(GRUNTS)
Cereal?
No! I'm meeting Daisy.
I'm already late.
She hates it when I'm late. Oh, no.
(GIGGLES)
Whoo!
I can't believe Eddie didn't want
to pick out these place cards.
Oh, no, no, no.
He has terrible taste in fonts.
Have you convinced Mom
to come to the wedding yet?
No, and I don't have to,
because you are gonna
talk Dad out of coming.
- I am?
- Let's face it.
Dad's only coming
because he thinks that he has to.
So, why not just let him off the hook
and make everybody happy?
It's not a bad idea.
Oh, great! You guys can cast
the final vote, we've narrowed it down.
To this one, or this nearly identical one.
Monotype Corsiva.
- How do you know that?
- I'm married.
[EILEEN]: Okay, are we done?
Because we want to hear about D.C.
Did you go to the Holocaust Museum?
No, but that would have been more fun.
So, there were no sparks with Tom?
Tom? What happened to Jake?
I thought you were looking for Jake.
Jake's in Africa and Tom's gay,
but it's okay,
because Colin is gonna be my date
for the wedding.
Is that the guy
who answered your cell phone
and got mad at me for waking him up
at 2:00 in the afternoon?
Yeah. I took his phone by mistake.
You invited Colin? Your rapey neighbor?
Do we call him that?
Just behind your back.
Okay. Well, let's stop
because he's actually a pretty good guy.
[DAISY]: Oh, Ally.
- What?
- You slept with him!
Oh, no!
I did not. I didn't.
[EILEEN]: Good. Don't.
Because he's not the kind of guy
you end up with.
He's the kind of guy you date
before the guy you end up with.
How do you know?
You haven't even met him.
I don't have to meet him.
I've had sex with him.
Except his name is Doug,
and he's a fucking liar!
Well, I have met him,
and he is dangerously sexy.
And if he wanted to come in
through the back door, you'd let him.
Don't let him, Ally.
You guys don't need to worry.
I'm not going to let him in any door.
He's just a friend who's doing me a favor.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
(DOOR OPENING)
[COLIN]: Honey, I'm home.
So, I TiVo-ed Mexican wrestling for you
and I cooked.
They're supposed to be taquitos,
they look like cannolis,
but they kind of taste like egg rolls.
What are you doing?
Are you working on the diner? All right.
Don't let me bug you.
Hey, so, just out of curiosity,
did you ever hear anything from Jake?
Nope.
Really? Not a phone call? Nothing?
Nope.
Okay, well,
I'm kind of busy right now,
so I guess I'll just see you later.
Shit! Ally, wait.
- Wait, wait.
- Just go.
I don't want to hear anymore lies.
All right, yes. Jake is back in town
and I do have his number,
but I didn't think that mattered now.
Would you please just go?
What about last night?
I think we should just forget
about last night.
- Because of Jake?
- No.
Because you're not the kind of guy
I'm supposed to end up with.
What kind of guy am I, Ally?
You're the kind of guy you date
before you meet the guy you end up with,
and I've already dated 20 of you.
So, you're gonna try
and make it work with Jake,
a guy you haven't seen in years,
just so you don't go over the number 20?
It's not just
about a number anymore, okay?
- Well, then what is it?
- It's what I want!
You don't know what you want, Ally.
You're so busy trying to be
what everyone else wants you to be,
you don't know who you are.
At least I have relationships.
You can't even hang out with a woman
for 24 hours without sleeping with her.
That was true until I met you.
Well, I'm sure that if we had slept
together, you'd be long gone by now,
because that's who you are, Colin,
and that's who you'll always be.
All right. Whatever you say, Ally.
You obviously have it all figured out.
And I do know who I am!
I'm someone who's not gonna let another
undeserving asshole into my heart!
Or my vagina!
[MALE TENANT]:
Shut the fuck up!
Stop fucking your dog!
Hi, Jake Adams, it's Ally.
Ally Darling from high school. Go, Vikings.
Um...
I came across your number,
and I thought,
"Wow, I should really call Jake
"and leave him a long, rambling message
on his voice mail".
Anyway, if you're feeling up to it,
you can give me a call anytime.
My number is 617-55...
(HICCUPS)
Oh, my God, I just hiccupped. I'm sorry.
617-55...
All right. Okay...
My number is 617-555-0192. Okay, bye.
(SIGHS)
(HICCUPS)
Well, who doesn't call that girl back?
Not again.
Who's the surprise guest this time?
I was supposed to have lunch with Dad
to tell him that he didn't have to come
to the wedding,
but then he said he was
gonna bring his girlfriend.
- Jacinda?
- Yeah.
And I just couldn't have that conversation
with him in front of her.
So, I just thought, you know,
we could do it together.
I am never meeting you
for another meal ever again.
You don't mean that.
Ally, I didn't know you were coming.
What a nice surprise.
- [ALLY]: Hi.
- I'm Daisy.
[TERRY]: Got all my girls here.
I see that you've got one of these, too.
I got a couple for the two of us,
so we can text and tweet.
You should follow me on Twitter,
"VeryTerry3".
Or we could just talk right now.
(CHUCKLES) LOL.
He is so excited about your wedding.
It's all he can text about.
I can't wait for everyone to meet my lady.
Oh, you're coming to the wedding, too?
That's great. That's so great.
- Ally, isn't that so great?
- It's great. It's so great.
Oh!
Excuse me for a second.
- Don't go.
- (WHISPERING) We are just fine.
Hold up. Ashton is getting his car washed.
- Nuh-uh.
- Lookit.
(HUMAN ROCKETPLAYING)
I am a human rocket
On a mission of deployment
I've been cocked and loaded
Ready for the culmination
I am a human missile
Guided by a secret agenda
That commands
my every thoughts and deeds
And wills me on my way
I am a human rocket
On a mission of redemption
I've been cocked and loaded
Primed by everything I know
I am a human missile
Guided by a secret voice
That commands
my every thoughts and deeds
And wills me on my righteous way
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
[JAKE]: All right. Great.
Ally.
Jake.
(COUGHS)
My brothers actually went more
into the business side of things,
and when my dad asked me
to run the foundation,
it was sort of more of a natural fit
for me, you know?
I've always been better
at giving away money versus making it.
I'm rambling.
I can hear myself totally rambling.
- No. No, no, not at all.
- I am. I am.
- I've been doing it all day.
- Kind of, but it's interesting.
Hey, what do... I mean, what about you?
Last I heard you were in marketing, right?
Yeah. I'm actually
in between jobs right now.
Well, listen, say the word.
I mean, I can get you an interview
over at Adams in two seconds.
Oh, thank you.
But you know what? I'm actually...
I'm thinking about making a change.
A change? Oh, yeah? What would you do?
I make these clay sculptures.
They're sort of
these freaky little urban scenes.
They're kind of hard to explain.
I'd really have to show you.
I'd love to see them.
Really?
They're in my shower.
Then I guess we're done here.
See. This is where they dry.
Wow. They really are in your shower.
Yep. (CHUCKLES)
[ALLY]: Did I tell you that he speaks
four different languages,
but he's so not obnoxious about it?
And he's still so goddamn handsome,
and he smells so fucking good.
It's crazy.
He's taking me to a gala
at the Institute of Contemporary Art,
and then I think we're going to go...
Whoa. That's not your dress.
Yeah. Yeah, I know, I just...
Yeah, I just like this one better,
'cause there's just...
You know, it's more comfortable.
There's just more room to...
To eat and to move, and to... To dance.
Okay.
I couldn't breathe in my other dress!
A bride should be able to breathe
in her own fucking dress!
Sorry, I just am feeling
really stressed out right now
because I don't know how
I'm going to convince Mom
to come to my wedding,
because our dad
is bringing our new mommy,
- and she's not...
- Stop.
I will go with you to talk to Mom,
and you don't even have to trick me. Okay?
Now, are you sure you can breathe
in this dress?
Okay, then do that.
(GASPS)
[ALLY]:
It's really not gonna be that bad.
We're gonna loosen her up.
We're gonna ease into it.
It's gonna be great.
[DAISY]: If you say so.
Mom?
I don't believe you!
When were you planning
to tell me about all this?
Hmm?
- Uh... Now?
- That's why we're here, Mom.
I have to read about it
in a magazine?
You and Jake Adams.
Are you an item?
Yes?
(SQUEALS)
Did you just squeal, Mom?
(LAUGHING) I don't know.
I'm out of my body right now.
Is it serious?
It could be, but we're taking it slow.
Do you really have that luxury?
I want to make sure that it's right.
Oh, it doesn't get any more right
than Jake Adams.
This is your life, Ally,
don't get creative.
When I saw you two in that magazine,
I went and found some old photographs.
Just look at this.
I knew he was the one.
Aw.
Tell me, Ally,
is he gonna be your date to the wedding?
Is he, Ally?
Yes.
Oh!
Oh, I got to get the seating chart.
So, you're still gonna come to the wedding,
even though Dad's gonna be there, too?
Of course, darling.
My baby only gets married once.
Right?
I am so proud of my girls.
(IN SINGSONG) Seating chart.
Seating chart.
Where's the little seating chart?
Do we tell her about Jacinda?
No. I think we quit while we're ahead.
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Mom.
What?
...and get you drunk
So I can have my wicked way with you
I'm just being honest
'Cause I know the other guys are
thinking just the same way too
I really love Japan.
Really?
- Are those mini cheeseburgers?
- Yes, they are.
May I? Thank you.
You didn't want one?
No, I'm okay. Thank you.
Mmm. These are excellent
mini cheeseburgers.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you.
Show me some skin
I might bite it
I wanna have my wicked way with you
So I'm not gonna come over
and meet your mom and dad
They know that I was bad
I'm just thinking of
three hours or more
So I can have my wicked way with you
My wicked way with you
- Colin, hi.
- Hi.
Fancy meeting you here, dressed all fancy.
Where you off to?
A wedding.
You, too, right? Today's Daisy's big day.
Yeah.
Wow. You're going to a wedding, too.
That's weird.
Whose wedding?
Nobody you know.
Oh.
Is it like a date or something?
Are you seeing somebody?
Don't worry about it, Ally.
Don't drink too much champagne.
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CLAMORING)
Hey, is my hair too high?
Oh, no, honey. It's perfect.
- [JAMIE]: Is it going on?
- The dress doesn't fit.
- Okay.
- Why isn't it zipped?
Can I get some help here?
Where's my Croissan' Wich?
Did somebody eat my Croissan' Wich?
No, honey. Nobody did.
You just relax, okay?
Katie, Jamie, find Daisy's Croissan' Wich.
- Okay. On it.
- Got it. Okay.
Okay, listen,
- I don't want anyone to panic but...
- What's happening?
- The harpist isn't coming.
- I had a harpist?
She broke her finger during the
philharmonic softball league playoffs,
and given that this is one of the
busiest wedding weekends of the year,
all the other harpists are booked.
Oh, Christ. Why is this happening to me?
[KEVIN]: I got a list of all
the other weddings happening in the city
and found a replacement who can be here
as soon as her first wedding is over.
And if she doesn't show, I play the horn.
Now let's get this girl married, huh?
(ALL CHEERING)
Daise, I got it.
(CHAMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
(TUBA PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS)
[OFFICIANT]:
Please rise for the bride.
We are gathered here today
to celebrate the union
of Daisy Ann Darling
and Edward Michael Vogel.
Getting to know Daisy and Eddie
has reinforced my belief that,
while love is universal,
every couple is unique.
(HOLDING A HEARTPLAYING)
Daisy Darling,
today I make these vows to you.
I will never rhyme "crazy" with "Daisy,"
(ALL LAUGHING)
Even if I mean, like, "crazy good".
I will not blow my nose in the shower.
(ALL EX CLAIMING)
I promise to always consult you
before getting a haircut
and to never grow a mustache.
- Or a soul patch.
- No.
I will not blame you for the bad decisions
you make in my dreams.
I will keep an eye on
that suspicious freckle on your back,
even though I'm really sure it's nothing.
And I will not get mad at you
about everything
when I'm only really mad at you
about one thing.
[OFFICIANT]:
By the power vested in me,
I am happy to pronounce you
husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
(ALL CHEERING)
I'm holding a heart here in my hand
Hey, hey, hey
My own work of art
Here where I stand
Hey, hey, hey
(SINGING) I can see clearly now
The rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
- Quite a party.
- Yeah, it sure is.
Hold on. I have to tweet about this.
And hi there.
(LAUGHING)
Your mom always did have a great laugh.
I'm just glad she's happy.
Are you happy?
Yeah. Of course.
Your mom only wants
what's best for you, you know.
I know.
Unfortunately, she thinks what's best
for you is being exactly like her,
only you're not, Ally.
You may have her looks,
but you have my rhythm, kid.
I'm afraid it's a little offbeat.
I guess that explains
why she's always disappointed in me.
I think it's hard for her to look at you
and see so much of me.
(SONG ENDING)
(SINGING) Thanks for the time
That you've given me
Uh, may I?
Why not?
Thank you. Thank you, sir.
God, I'm sorry. I just couldn't slow-dance
with your mother.
No, that's okay. (LAUGHS)
I think the last time we slow-danced
was prom night.
Yeah. Yeah, it was. I remember that.
I believe that was also the night
where you finally gave me the honor
of making you unfit
for every other man in the village.
Oh, boy.
You're once, twice
Three times a lady
I know this isn't the ideal place to
tell you, but I want to be honest.
You weren't my first.
I wasn't?
No, I'm sorry.
Well, so you've been
with two guys in your life. Big deal.
More like two times 10.
(CHUCKLING) Right. Like you've had sex
with 20 guys. Yuck.
(LAUGHING)
Gross.
Well, all right. I may not have been
your first, but maybe I'll be your last.
Why?
Are you gonna rape and kill me?
No, but I'm gonna kiss you.
With every beat
Of my heart
You're once
Come with me for a second.
Twice
Three times a lady
So, how does dinner in Milan
and breakfast in Paris sound?
Starchy.
I've got to do a little traveling
for the foundation,
and I'd love it if you came with me.
- Seriously?
- Mmm-hmm.
- For how long?
- Six months.
I know it sounds like a long time,
but you're in-between jobs
and your little sculpture things can wait.
And if you think about it, the only thing
that's keeping you in Boston is me,
and I'm leaving.
It's time.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
And I love you
(SONG STOPS ABRUPTLY)
Join me.
Hi, everyone.
[ALL]: Hi.
When Daisy and Eddie
first got together,
I have to admit I was a
little bit nervous.
I could tell that it was serious,
and I thought that
the closer she got to him,
the further away she'd get from me,
but that didn't happen.
Not only do I see more of Daisy,
I see a happier, even better Daisy.
It's like with Eddie she's
completely herself.
When you're a big sister, it's your job
to teach your little sister everything.
How to ride a bike,
how to lie to your parents.
How to kiss.
Not with tongue.
Settle down, Uncle Charlie.
(SIGHS)
But I never thought
about what my little sister
could teach me until right now.
So, I want to thank you, Daisy.
Thank you for teaching me
that being in love
means being yourself.
To Daisy and Eddie!
- You were great.
- Can we talk?
Yeah. Absolutely.
[ALL SINGING]:
That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
Oh, shit.
What's going on? Are you okay?
Jake, there actually is something here
in Boston that's really important to me.
And as much as I want to travel the world,
I'm not sure I want to do it with you.
Which is insane, I know,
because you're perfect.
But you're not perfect for me,
and I don't think I'm perfect for you.
I'm so sorry, Jake.
If I had been honest with myself earlier,
or ever,
I wouldn't have put you through all this.
Yeah, well,
that would have been preferable.
Right. I don't think I'm gonna
stick around for the cake. Excuse me.
It's really good.
(SIGHS)
Okay.
(INDISTINCT)
Where's... Where's Jake going?
- Sir, champagne?
- [ALLY]: He's leaving.
What? In the middle of the reception? Why?
Because I never should have
brought him here in the first place.
You're gonna let him go?
Oh, Ally, I... I don't understand you.
Ally, why? Why are you doing this?
Honey, you were finally happy.
No! You were finally happy.
I don't wanna marry Jake Adams.
- That's not who I am.
- Oh, my...
I'm a jobless whore
who's slept with 20 guys,
and I want to be with somebody
who appreciates that about me.
You may not understand me, Mom,
but you don't have to.
All you have to do is love me.
I know that I'm not perfect,
but that's why you have Daisy.
My dress is too tight
because I'm four months pregnant.
(GASPS)
- What?
- What?
Oh! (LAUGHING)
You're pregnant?
Yes. Now get out of here.
Thank you.
Surprise!
I'm gonna be a grandmother.
I'm gonna be a grandmother.
(ALL EX CLAIMING HAPPILY)
All the drinks are sitting
here on your tray.
What is the matter with you?
Is this too difficult?
Kevin, where's that list you had
of all the other weddings
- going on in the city today?
- It's right here.
Okay, thank you.
(ALL GASP)
Goddamn. Damn it!
(BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLEPLAYING)
Hi.
Every time I think of you
I feel shot right through
with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine
But it's a problem I find
Living a life that I
can't leave behind
(CAR CHIRPS)
But there's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of the fool
won't set you free
(CAR CHIRPING)
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
Well, every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
Colin!
I feel fine and I feel good
I feel like I never should
Whenever I get this way
I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves
like we were yesterday?
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say
(DOOR SLAMS)
Oh, come on!
Blessed be this union
and may it bear fruit.
(CARS HONKING)
Colin! Colin!
Blue car, keys are in it.
(CARS HONKING)
[MAN]:
Get the fuck outta the road!
Hey, watch it, lady.
Shut up, you asshole!
Sorry! I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
Thank you.
You can help yourself to some pepperoni.
Miss, your name?
Uh...
I...
I'm... I'm sorry.
[COLIN]: Hi, everyone. Hope you're all
having a good time tonight. I know we are.
This next song is a local band.
Hope you enjoy it.
(PLAYING JUST WHAT I NEEDED)
(SINGING) I don't
mind you coming here
And wasting all my time
'Cause when you're
standing oh, so near
(GRUNTING)
I kind of lose my mind
This is bullshit.
Why didn't I just wait for him
at his apartment?
And wasting all my time
(EX CLAIMING)
Fuck!
Fuck!
- Fuck!
- Fuck!
I don't mind you hanging out
And talking in your sleep
It doesn't matter where you've been
As long as it was deep
Yeah
Always need to wear it well
You look so fancy, I can tell
(MUMBLING OFF-KEY)
I don't mind you hanging out
And talking in your sleep
I guess you're just what I needed
I needed someone to feed
Someone to...
I need to talk to you
- Right now
- I needed someone to feed
(MOUTHING)
Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut.
(GUESTS GROANING)
Okay, everybody,
we're just gonna take a quick break.
Why don't we get those
toasts started?
So, papa bear, come on up here.
[MAN]: Hello, everyone, and
thank you all for coming out tonight...
[CHILDREN CHANTING]: Fuckity fuck!
Fuckity fuck! Fuckity fuck!
What're you doing here, Ally?
I have a speech
that I wanna make to you,
but I was afraid
that I was gonna forget it.
So, I figured it would be easier
to drive, bike,
and run across town in my high heels
so I could tell you right now.
What's the speech?
Well, the gist of it was,
I'm sorry.
- That's it?
- No, wait, there's more.
I...
I'm happiest when I'm being myself,
and I'm myself when I'm with you.
That was it.
I guess I was just so afraid
that you were another asshole
that I became the biggest asshole of all.
You weren't an asshole. I was an asshole.
I should have given you Jake's number,
I just...
I didn't think I could compete with that.
There's no contest.
You're the most decent guy I've ever met.
I think I love you, 21.
I love you, too.
- Three hundred and...
- No!
(LAUGHS)
(GUESTS CHEERING)
(COMMENTATORS SPEAKING
SPANISH ON TV)
(PHONE RINGING)
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)
[JAY]: Hey, Kelli,
Kelli with an "I". What's up?
It's Jay from Club Med Turkoise.
I got a weird message
from your assistant,
and I just wanted to let you know,
we never had sex.
Uh, you did this awkward striptease
involving maracas,
and then gave me a shitty hand job.
You claimed it was something
you like to do called "dry style,"
vomited in my suitcase, and
then you passed out in the shower.
So, yeah, we never slept together.
(ANSWERING MACHINE CLICKS)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(NEON LIGHTS PLAYING)
You're number 20!
I'm still at 20!
I can't believe it!
You are number 20!
Yes!
It will outlast everything
You think is set is stone
It goes on and on and on and on
On and on and on and on
Buzzing like neon lights
Can you feel my love?
Loud and clear
Pulls you near
Can you feel my love?
We got all the memories
So much more we can see
Better than a first kiss
Snow falling at Christmas
Like sleeping in on Sunday
Laughter we never faked
Bob Marley in summer
One love for each other
Oh, it feels like...
Fireflies
Day and night
Can you feel my love?
Everyone is looking
for a special connection
But it's like your compass points
a million directions
Do you need me to buy you
a telescope so you can see
How good this could be
Buzzing like neon lights
Can you feel my love?
Loud and clear
Pulls you near
Can you feel my love?
We got all the memories
So much more we can see
Better than a first kiss
Snow falling at Christmas
Like sleeping in on Sunday
Laughter we never faked
Bob Marley in summer
One love for each other
Oh, it feels like...
One love for each other