Come out, come out,
wherever you are.
Gugenheim.
Gugenheim!
When we get a hold of you,
we're gonna kick the shit out of you,
you little runt.
Gugenheim?
What kind of fucking
stupid name is that?
I didn't mean to scare you.
Calm down, cool your boots.
It's all right.
Don't be scared,
I'm not gonna hurt ya.
Those...
bullies chased you
down here, didn't they?
Come in.
I don't bite...
much.
I'll bet you wish that you were popular,
don't you, Gugenheim?
Yeah.
I used to as a kid.
Let me tell you, it's not all
that it's actually cracked up to be.
Don't actually believe me,
do you, Gugenheim?
Let me tell you something
that's absolutely fucking true.
You see, because for 20 long,
hard, arduous years,
I tidied up after you
little fucking snot rags!
And boy, oh, boy, have I fucking seen
some things around here, mate.
Oh, yes.
Nothing quite as strange
as that little Samantha Neil.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe then, Gugenheim,
you wouldn't be in such
a hurry to be popular.
I suppose it started on a day like...
any other day, really.
Hey, I was looking for you everywhere.
Why didn't you wait for me?
You go on ahead.
Daniel!
Who the hell are you?
You're the Headmaster's daughter.
Freak.
I wish I was popular.
Who's that?
You want a balloon?
Gimme, gimme.
I wish to be popular.
At any cost?
You don't believe me,
do you, you little shit?
Oh, Samantha.
Well, what happened to Samantha
was that she set in motion
a sequence of events that would...
change everything that she believed in,
with the power...
of a tiny little wish.
Cheers.
It was the very next day...
Hey, you all right?
Maybe with a bit of make-up,
you can look really hot.
Be careful with that.
If you spill it on your skin,
it will burn it right off.
You are pretty.
Pretty fucking ugly!
Help me.
Wait.
We need some help!
Miss!
Now that's what I call a bad trip.
See, well, I'm sorry,
I was playing words...
bad trip, trip bad, acid bad,
trip bad, bad.
You know what?
Fucking forget it.
It's all right.
Anyway, now, that's not the end.
Now, Victoria we'll get back to later on.
Well, you see,
the next person to...
get the text was Neville.
Now, Neville...
he was covered all over his face
by these spots and boils
the size of fucking marbles.
Every time he'd smile,
which was very rare,
one would burst.
It was fucking disgusting.
Disgusting!
Now let me tell you.
Hey, Samantha.
Hey, Sam.
It's Sam.
Hello, Pizza Boy.
Looks like some
of your cheese is melting.
Did anyone order a margarita?
You just bought yourself a detention, Miss.
Usual time, usual place.
You're dead meat, crater face.
No, please!
Please!
Ah, shit!
It looked like those rats
had a little tale of their own to tell.
Rats, tail, you see.
For fuck's sake,
will you just climb into...
into the spirit of things?
Fucking hard work,
do you know that?
Where was I?
Oh yeah, Kirsty.
That Kirsty was a...
really nasty piece
of work.
Neville, of course,
was a little boy she used to bully.
Now, there was this little fleshy fat, fat,
fat, funky chunker.
He was just dying
to lose some weight.
Oh, you're gonna get the "dying" pun
once I've told you the story.
It's not fucking rocket science.
Use your imagination, for fuck's sake.
Fat Boy.
Hey, darling.
When's the last time
you saw your dick in the shower?
I'll join you.
I'm hungry.
Now, that is one fatty
who is now a little flatty.
It's lovely, that is.
Oh, yeah. Where was I?
Now, it was
about this time
that Detective Ringwald
turned up on the scene.
Cheers.
You're so sexy.
Good morning, sir.
How are you today?
Good.
I've arranged to meet
the Headmaster, sir.
The Headmaster.
All right.
Hello, I'm Detective Nelson.
Detective.
This is the Headmaster.
Headmaster, this is
Detective Ringwald.
Detective.
He says something is very wrong here.
Surely he doesn't...
Surely you don't suspect foul play?
There's nothing going on
here in the school
that we can't handle in house.
Now, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me...
I must get on.
What does that mean?
Thank you for your time.
Nutter.
Yo, Molly?
Shut up, Molly.
Come here, you.
What are you doing, kissing my Molly?
Come here, you.
You fucking asshole.
You kissing my girl, yeah?
You see, Kenny...
just wasn't woman enough for Molly.
Now, see,
I think her heart belonged to Kirsty.
Now, if the thought
of those young student hot bodies
gets you all hot under the collar,
you wait until the next story.
It's gonna have you... dribbling.
Shouldn't you be in class?
Right!
Headmaster's office!
Come on!
Outrageous!
Look at me when
I'm talking to you, Martin.
You can't just go screaming
at Mr. Dale, you know.
He gets very upset.
He's actually a rather sensitive man.
Aren't you, Mike?
So, are you going to tell me
what this is all about?
I can wait.
Here's your father.
Perhaps you'd like to tell him.
Martin.
All was laid bare in that tale.
I mean Martin was one kid...
who learned the naked truth.
You got to be very careful
with your wishes.
Charlie.
Now, Charlie wanted
to cheat in his exams.
The thing that you can't cheat...
is death.
Ross.
Let me copy you.
Mr. Parker, I'm watching you.
Pathogens and disease,
I forgot to revise that.
The best I'll be able to get is a B.
My parents will kill me.
I can't get a B.
It's unfeasible.
Hold on.
It's my fault.
I made the wish.
I asked to see into his brain.
Quoi?
Quoi?
How is it your fault, son?
He's just suffering from shock, that's all.
Now, that's really got to hurt.
Oh, yeah, remember...
Victoria?
Well, now.
Victoria got offered a wish
she could hardly refuse.
I wish... I was beautiful.
You're beautiful to me.
Mrs. Hooper!
You forgot your bag.
Now, Detective.
I'm not an expert at jigsaw puzzles.
Can you give me a hand?
...ad Dominum et Spiritus santi.
She is at peace now.
She looks so beautiful.
She does.
Now Victoria really is
drop-dead gorgeous.
Dead gorgeous.
See what I did there?
Now, of course,
then there was Hilary,
who also wasn't very happy
with the way that she looked.
But her...
chances of survival
are very slender,
as her weight
is about to be slashed
due to the very real danger
of dieting.
Looks like that Hilary gave her right arm
to lose some weight.
That bitch was really...
cut down to size, wasn't she?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you feeling a bit peckish?
Would you like a sandwich?
Don't be shy.
Tuck in, there you go.
Tuck in.
Oh, you're enjoying that,
aren't you?
Yeah, well I got another tale...
for you to chew on.
Good day, sir.
I gotcha.
There we go.
Nice to see you looking well.
Okay.
This way.
Close the school, eh?
Yes, sir, yes.
Are you insane?
That kind of publicit
could ruin a place
like this, you know?
And on what grounds, raison,
do you expect me to do it?
What? What grounds?
Look! Look!
Yes, I can read.
That's just pure clumsiness.
Students, let me tell you,
are always killing
themselves these days.
It's good for their health,
keeps the numbers down.
All right, all right.
That's a wrap. Okay.
He said, "Have a nice day."
Au revoirl Tell him.
Molly, Molly, Molly.
You look good enough to eat.
I wish I looked good enough to eat.
You look good enough to eat.
If I ate shit.
What are you doing?
I think...
At this point,
I really don't see the need to overreact.
Ferme ta gueulel
Get to class.
Move!
See, school dinners have
never been so attractive.
But then again, you see,
there was Alice.
Now, Alice is not
someone I'd describe
as being particularly good-looking.
In fact, Gugenheim,
she was fucking ugly.
But her boyfriend thought that bigger
was gonna be better.
So he decided...
on some rather drastic surgery.
Oh, my God.
I wish my girlfriend had massive breasts.
You know, like massive breasts.
What, like mine?
Oh, hiya, um...
Watcha doing?
Just talking about you, actually.
Yeah?
What are you talking about?
Nothing.
Fine, whatever.
Can anyone tell me how to calculate
the surface area of a circle?
Anyone?
We have been over
this many times.
I don't know why you have
a problem with this.
(2pi)r.
It's not difficult.
We've done this many times.
This is very basic,
and you should
know this by now.
It's very boring.
Sit up, please sit up.
If we increase surface area
of the circle by 4,
the diameter doubles.
It doesn't increase by 4.
It's not good enough
that you don't know this.
It's really not good enough.
Does someone want
to get the nurse?
Lovely.
It looks like Alice's boyfriend...
you're gonna love this...
got more than he bra-gained for.
Fuckin' boom... boom...
bargained for!
Fuck, you know?
I'm on fire.
Really, I'm on fire.
I'm on fire.
Anyway...
Clear the sinuses.
Samantha...
oh, no, she was doing fine.
She was doing absolutely fine.
In fact...
that very night was the night
she introduced Daniel to her parents.
Daniel.
Can I just say how...
surprised I am
to see you here today?
To be honest,
we don't usually
see Samantha with...
friends.
Do we?
You're kidding me.
Samantha's the most
popular girl in school.
So, what have you two
been up to today, then?
Hey, I got a text today
offering me a wish.
Samantha.
Sorry, Dad.
Sounds terribly exciting.
And can I just guess
what it is you wished for?
I wished that my stepdad wasn't dead.
He passed away last year.
I'll get it.
Who is it at the door?
It's no one.
Are you all right, Samantha?
I'm good.
Is Daniel home?
Do we have some plastic bags and a saw?
I'm not being funny,
but talk about a visit...
from beyond the gravy.
Anyway, you know.
Daniel's father was
a fucking rotten parent.
In fact, he was practically...
practically decomposing.
From one roast to another.
You really want to be hot?
Try this.
Watch out!
Made... wish.
Came... true.
Hey.
A party this weekend.
You will be there, won't you?
Lt'll be a total flop without you there.
It seems to me that the detective
was beginning to catch on.
There was something
about Linda's burning
that ignited something
in the booze-rattled brain
of Ringwald.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
I'm back in the library.
Now.
Sally thought that Mark
only had eyes for her.
But what I think is
she was about to stop seeing him...
permanently.
...than you do with Mrs. Snuggles?
No, I love you more.
Oh, I really love you.
Oh, I love you, too.
No, I love you more.
I love you more.
Mark!
I think he loves me more.
You know,
I've done you a favor.
If I could have one wish,
it would be that I never
had to see you again!
Linda.
Linda.
I'll bet she didn't see that one coming.
And the school was in absolute chaos.
The clown's terror-iffic
reign of despair continued.
But Detective Ringwald
was on the case.
An important lead
was about to open his eyes
to Samantha's part
in this fright-mare.
Yet, well, you know,
I'm not the best sort
at puns in the world,
but I'm actually trying
my fucking hardest.
Sorry. Got something else
better you can do?
Well, go back outside and get
the fucking shit kicked out of you?
No! I thought not.
Shut your mouth,
and you might
fucking learn something!
Now, where was I?
Oh, yeah.
Okay!
Here, here, here!
Ah, oui.
Ah, oui, oui, oui,
oui, ouil
"It is common practice
in the 21st Century
"for evil djinnis to use such devices
as mobile phones and emails
to cause their mischief."
"The initial wisher, or summoner,
as they are better known,
"is granted their wish...
money, power, fame, et cetera...
"in return for forwarding
the djinni onwards,
"through chain letters,
or text messages,
"where they can wreak their mayhem.
"The only way to stop the djinni
is to get the initial wisher
"to retract their wish,
and return themselves
to the state they were previously."
A text message that is killing people.
Yes!
Don't you think that's just a little bit
far-fetched?
Just a little bit far-fetched?
I just wished... people could see...
how beautiful I was on the inside.
- Oh, God.
- Jesus Christ.
Well, it appears that beauty
is only skin-deep.
I want to be fair.
I mean, it took a lot of guts
to make a wish like that, didn't it?
Now, moving on swiftly
to a different type of crush:
The teenage crush.
That age-old die-lemma.
This is bloody disgraceful!
Fail! Jennifer!
And a fail for you, too.
And don't you dare
chew gum in my class
again, young lady.
This is abysmal!
I waste my entire weekend
marking this drivel.
Will you spell drivel for me, Linnet?
I doubt it.
No, silly me.
You're only taking English "A" level
in three months' time.
Why should you be able to spell?
You can't bloody write English.
Half of you can hardly
speak the language!
Well, I tell you, I'm bloody furious.
It's not funny!
None of this is funny!
Mr. Dale.
I wondered if I could talk to you a little.
You see, I seem to be
having some problems
with verb positioning?
I just don't seem to know
where to put it... in front,
or... behind?
Now, Carol, please.
We've been through this.
While you're a pupil of mine,
you remain very much a child to me.
And I would appreciate it
if you started behaving like one.
Really.
Mike.
Ah, Miss Nibb.
A spot of human biology?
Oh, yes. Oh, yes!
I wish I was old now.
Who's there?
Carol, is that you?
Please help me!
Please help me!
Now, this young girl
made a pass on Mr. Dale...
Naughty, naughty...
but ended up needing
a pass of her own.
A bus pass, that is.
As for Samantha,
poor love, you know her
nightmare was just beginning.
So hold on to your trousers
'cause it's full scream ahead...
for my next tale.
No!
I have to stop this.
I've got to call the police
and tell them what I've done.
Do I really want to go back
to being the person I was?
Hello?
Daniel.
What are you doing
calling at this time?
Yeah.
Same here.
Yes, I wish come true for me.
Okay, I guess I've got to run.
My parents will be wondering
who's calling me
in the middle of the night.
Yeah.
See you.
You'll have to be strong.
It's too late.
You can never go back!
Seems to me like Samantha's
a little clown on her luck.
I mean, is this freakish, funny man
going to have the last laugh,
or...
will Samantha seize the day?
Meanwhile, Molly and Kirsty
are just beginning to get close.
I mean, is there anything that can tear
these star-crossed lovers apart?
I wonder.
I wish me and Molly were
together until we die.
Hello.
I'm sorry.
I think these two girls found out that love...
love can be
a right fucking pain in the neck.
You see, but...
an eternity or two together
will probably be the death
of their relationship.
Now, here's another twist
in an already twisted tale.
Linda, you see, of course,
can't actually see anything.
But her "eye-fright" is
about to improve, of course,
because her boyfriend is
like, lookin' out for her.
Don't blink...
or you'll miss it.
See you tomorrow.
Well, I certainly won't be seeing you.
Good morning.
I can see.
You okay?
You've got one last wish to make.
Don't make me go back to being a geek.
No.
He says you've got to
read out the passage.
There you go.
Can't believe we're doing this.
That's it?
I think that her eyes
were bigger than her stomach.
What's that?
You want to go to the loo?
You're having
a fucking Turkey shot.
You sit down.
I'm nearly finished my story.
Sit down.
Samantha... Well, she's got
to face up to her fears,
stop clowning about.
So pop your ass in a pew
and pay attention.
I'm nearly done.
Hello!
Please!
Yes, yes. What? Who?
Now? Yes! A big hand
for the most popular boy
and girl in the school!
Yes, the couple you voted this year's
Prom King and Queen.
Well done.
No!
Do you really want to go back to being
the person you were?
Do you really want
to go back to being...
unpopular? Hmm?
I wish...
I had never met you!
- Hey.
- Who are you?
Who are you?
Who are you?
You. What are you doing here?
What are you doing in my room?
Job done.
Au revoir, poulette.
Freak.
What? Ahem.
There you go, kid.
That's my story.
Careful what you
wish for, as they say.
Fuckin' hell.
Right. Well, I guess those kids outside
would have gone by now,
so you can...
Go on. Jog on. Fuck off.
Off you pop. See you.
Bye.