For thousands of years,
families around the world...
...have chosen whom
their children would marry.
lt"s called
an arranged marriage.
Yeah, i know.
Arranged marriages?
They don"t sound
all that romantic,..
...but the upside is, they have a
very low risk of divorce.
lt"s quite simple, actually.
See, with arranged marriages,..
...family and friends are involved
in the matchmaking process.
From day one, so finding your life
partner becomes a whole lot easier...
...and painless, because everyone
has a stake in making the...
...marriage work.
Those are my grandparents.
Married 52 years.
My uncle and aunt...
...30 years.
And most of my other relatives--
They"ve also had arranged
marriages,..
...and all of them are
still married.
The bride and groom on the stage,
they barely know each other.
But you know what?
Nine out of ten, they"ll be married till
death do them part,..
...compared to the over 50% of today"s
love marriages,..
...which will ultimately end in divorce.
Prime example...
My parents.
They had a love marriage.
l know what you"ve been doing
behind my back.
lf it bothers you so much, why didn"t
you say something all these years?
- You repulse me.
- Stop playing victim.
For god sake"s, he"s upstairs.
Keep your bloody voice down.
Don"t twist my words.
l did what l thought was right.
l married you, didn"t l?
l should have never
fallen in love with you.
l want a divorce.
Now, don"t get me wrong, okay?
l"m not saying that all love
marriages are doomed to fail.
But why would l take the risk
when l clearly don"t have to?
l just won"t fall in love, not yet.
l"ll stick to time- honored tradition,..
...and get an arranged marriage,
and eventually, My wife and i will...
...grow to love each other,
just like my grandparents.
And we, too, will live happily
ever after, just like them.
We are gathered here on this
beautiful day...
...to join together...
- l love you.
- l love you too.
- l love you more.
- No, l love you more.
Oh, a teddy bear!
- You're my teddy bear.
- You're my teddy bear.
Oh, god.
l'm so sorry!
- Will you watch where you're going?
- l'm sorry.
l'm very sorry about that.
- They're just saying their "l do's."
Sorry again.
l see no reason to waste time. l"ll
get married right after l graduate.
l"ve even picked the date.
Everything is set.
Well, almost everything.
- Hello.
- Hello. Deepak uncle.
- Yes.
- lt's Harry.
- Harry who?
- Harry Shankar from New York.
- Do l know you?
- Sort of. l'm Dev and Geeta's son.
Oh, my, my, my. Those two.
l warned them.
- You did.
- And now they are divorced.
- Like you predicted.
- What a shame, huh?
Deepak uncle,
l don't know how to say this.
- Well, say it.
- l want to get married.
Will you help me?
- Of course.
When all else fails,
Pundit Deepak prevails.
- l think l just found Theresa's knight.
- Harry?
l gotta send that to your mom.
She likes that kind of stuff, man.
To get along with his mother- in- law.
- l like that.
- Good morning, everyone.
So, today's topic, with divorce rates
so high, why do people bother...
...getting married anymore?
- Perhaps free oral sex.
Maybe this is why divorce rates
are so high in America.
ln my country we respect marriage.
lt's something that's good...
...for the progress of society.
We take our time to arrange them...
...so that they last. When two people
get married at a younger age,..
...they have time to grow and accept
each other's ldiosyncrasies.
That's why lndia has one of the lowest
divorce rates in the world.
- Thank you, Mr. Shankar.
- Well, maybe Harry's not so off- base.
But l mean, l have my own take
on the whole thing.
l call it the Sonny and
Cher syndrome.
l mean, she was a gorgeous girl with a
great voice and a sweet set of legs...
...who hooked up with a short guy
who sang out of tune.
But they got divorced.
After how many
successful years together?
Not to mention their own tv show,
Like 15 Emmy nominations,..
...and millions in record sales.
l mean, come on.
What we're talking about is making the
best of a situation here, not a miracle.
Actually, this is a great topic
for this term paper.
Marriage versus mating. Theresa, why
don't you and Harry pair up?
Do your paper together. How's that for
an arranged marriage, Harry?
You went behind my back, Harish?
How could you?
Mom, let me explain, okay?
You wouldn't help.
l had no choice but to
start calling around.
No choice. Do you know how
embarrassing it is to have this...
...Kook Deepak trying to arrange your
only son's wedding, and you don't...
...even know about it?
lt's called
an arranged marriage.
That means someone actually
has to arrange it.
Oh, please, darling.
You're just going through a phase.
Wetting my bed was a phase, mom.
This is not a phase.
Don"t be a fool, Harish.
No mother in her right mind...
...is going to let her daughter marry a
boy whose own mother wants...
...no part of the marriage.
- lt's your duty to help me.
l know you're disappointed with me
right now, but when you look back...
...on this a year from now,
you will thank me.
Fine. l'll see what dad has
to say about it.
You're lovely, and it was great fun,
but l do have to go upstairs now, baby.
Harry! My god, l forgot l invited you.
- Listen, l wanted to talk to you--
- That was fun.
- About something.
Of course we talk. Come.
Let's go join the party.
So, dad, what do you think
about my plan?
You have your whole life ahead of you.
Now's the time to enjoy yourself.
Go see what's out there.
Later is the time to marry.
Anyway, tonight is party night.
We shall discuss this another time.
Go! Live a little.
- Hello.
- Harish.
l have found the one for you.
Check your email.
Her name is Nita Shah.
- Nita Shah.
Nita Shankar.
Mrs. Nita Shankar.
She is 22, and from a very good
family. And your birth charts,..
...they match to perfection.
So, Harish, deal or no deal?
Well, can l think about it?
Harish, are you arranging this
marriage or am l arranging it?
Now listen, please. Her parents are
eager to get her married,..
...so time is of essence. And this
goldfish is not going to be swimming...
...in the tank for much longer.
- Oh. But--
- No buts.
Remember, you are no spring
chicken, Harish.
Already 22. That's like 72 in
prospect years.
And if you wait any longer to
get married, the only types we may...
...be able to find you are,
how do you call them?
Chicks.
Yes, chicks!
Who have already hatched.
And we all know what happens...
...when the shells break. Now we don't
want broken shells, do we, Harish?
- Oh, god, no.
- Oh, god, yes.
What is it going to be, Harish?
The egg or the chick?
The egg.
The egg for sure.
Ah, great!
l've included an email i. d.
So you can communicate
directly with her if you want to.
- Really? Will that be okay?
- Beta, this is the 21st century.
Don't they teach you anything
over there in the university?
- Hey, who's the babe, man?
- Louis, come on.
Come on.
Her name is Nita Shah.
She's 22, studying to be an architect
like me, and the best part is,..
...she's crazy about children
and animals.
So are pedophiles and
sex offenders, man.
- Louis, l might be marrying her.
- What? When did all this happen?
- Recently.
- You know, you can't get married.
You're a virgin.
Can't hurt so bad.
Just count to three.
- Louis, this is insane.
- Son of a bitch!
Dude, get me some ice
from the fridge, quick!
Jalapeos. My nuts are on fire,
And you bring me jalapeos?
lt was the only thing we had left
in the freezer.
- Thanks.
- Look, tonight, this date, l'm not going.
- No, you're going.
- l'm going to be married.
Then you've got nothing
to worry about, do you?
l mean, we're only meeting them to
choose a subject for a lousy...
...term paper.
- ln a bowling alley? Huh?
This is totally inappropriate.
Hey, just 'cause you order
your meal from the menu,..
...don't mean you still can't
check out the buffet.
Now relax. You'll be safe
in a bowling alley.
lt's well- lit.
ln your face!
- Shut up.
- Gutter ball!
You're supposed to hit the pins.
- Shut up!
- l think Louis is cute.
- Am l actually beating you?
Look at the score over there.
lt's because of my leg. Whenever...
- Hey. Hi, Theresa.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Good. Thanks. Wow.
- Hi.
- How are you?
Handshakes.
Wow.
Show me?
Yeah.
But--
Give me a kiss for good luck.
For good luck.
Anyway, this one guy, was, like,
the blind date from hell.
Theresa, look, l don't
mean to sound offensive,..
...but l hope you don't think
this is a date.
Oh, no.
l'm too late, right?
'Cause you are going on
the ultimate blind date.
You may kiss the bride.
- Why are you mocking my beliefs?
- l'm just playing with you. Sorry.
- Theresa, an arranged marriage is a...
...sacred union between two people
who grow together in time,..
...not some sort of chance meeting,
okay?
lt works because of its process,
Not because somebody winked...
...at you online.
- Yeah. l got it.
Get a room.
You know, l can't believe those guys.
You're the one who told them to get
a room, Theresa.
Yeah, but i didn't think l was literally
gonna be sexiled from my own...
...apartment.
- Sexiled?
Yeah. lt's when your roommate exiles
you to engage in intense sexual...
...activities.
- l see.
Well, we've got the whole night
together, so better start thinking of...
...something to do.
Look, harry,
l want you to know that...
...l know that you're getting married,
And l respect that.
And l'm sorry that l got all weird on
you in the bowling alley.
lt's just--
- Maybe we should start over.
Hi. l'm Harry.
- Theresa.
- Pleased to meet you, Theresa.
- Listen, l gotta get goin'.
l'll go sit on my stoop or something.
- lt's kinda late, isn't it?
Will you be safe?
- lt's fine. l got my stun gun.
- Okay.
- l'll see you later.
Theresa.
You could always sleep with me.
l mean... Sorry.
l meant at my place. ln Louis's bed.
Of course.
- lt's okay.
l don't want to put you out.
Don't worry. l'm not putting out.
Come on.
Let's go.
Harry, could l borrow something
to sleep in?
Yeah, sure.
Pj's. l'll leave them right
outside the door.
Just toss them in, okay?
l got soap in my eyes.
Oh, god, no!
- Oh, god, yes!
- Please, no.
Oh, god, not now.
Think of grandma.
Please, blood,
circulate.
Why won't you circulate
when l need you to circulate?
- Hi.
- Hi.
lt's nice to meet you finally.
At least online.
Same here.
How have you been?
Oh, l've been really busy.
l've been studying for my exams.
l needed a break, and l saw
you online. Anyways...
...l was so relieved to read your bio
data and find out that...
...you're vegetarian.
And l was especially happy to know
that you don't smoke or drink like...
...my father does.
- What? Oh, no.
My father as well.
Nasty habits.
- May l ask what attracted you to me?
- Your set... Of values.
Your set of values. We share the same
set of values across the bed...
Board.
Board.
l don't mean to sound old- fashioned
or anything, but l think it's pretty...
...admirable with you living in
America that you don't believe in...
...pre- marital sex. l mean,
a lot of the other prospects...
...that contacted me from there,
they could learn a thing or two...
...from a gentleman like you.
- Thank you.
Oh, great. So, l'll have
my parents call your parents.
- l'd like that.
- Hey, listen, my study group friend...
...just popped up unexpectedly,
so let's talk tomorrow.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- So... ls this the one?
- Yeah. She's 22.
Studying to be an architect like me.
And the best part is, she's crazy...
...about children and animals.
- Well, does this children and animal...
...lover have a name?
- Oh, yes, of course.
Her name is... Nita. Nita.
- Nita.
Wow, she is really pretty.
- Thank you.
You must be very excited
about Nita.
Yes. Very.
Wow. Look at the time.
l need to wake up really
early tomorrow.
Oh, well, hang on.
Let me get a picture.
Okay.
One for you.
For letting me sleep over.
And... One for me.
For my scrapbook.
You can move now.
Oh, right. Sorry.
Good night.
Sweet dreams.
- Good night.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
l stuck around so l could thank you
for being a gentleman last night.
Dude!
- Hey!
- Hey.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Tell me.
Tell me you--
Of course not. And l hope you
did the decent thing, too.
l did. l used latex condoms
instead of laaa- mbskin.
Who is this Nita chick,
and who are her parents?
Don't laugh.
- Now, please.
Sit and listen. Nita is the building
commissioner"s daughter.
Commissioner?
Commissioner?
What a match my Harish
and your Nita are.
l was so excited when l heard that our
families would be united through...
...this blessed marriage.
- Yes, commissioner.
Did Mr. Goshi ever stop by with some
chocolate while l was away?
No, commissioner.
You know,
we were a bit worried...
...when we didn't hear from you or
Harish's father.
Oh, you know how busy l've been
with the new building.
Besides, Pundit Deepak is such a
great friend of the family.
He insisted on helping me arrange
the marriage.
Yes. We were surprised when
he called.
So when do you think l might get
to meet my lovely...
...daughter- in- law- to- be?
- Soon. Very soon.
Commissioner, l brought some
revisions for you to take a look...
...when you get a moment.
- Leave them. We'll talk after the...
...marriage. And if anything goes wrong
With the wedding, l assure you,..
...the only other thing that you'll ever
build in this town again...
...is a straw hut.
A royal wedding at the family Haveli
for my little prince and...
...his new princess. People will be
talking about it for months.
And Nita is such a wonderful girl,
Harish.
l am so proud that you made the
right choice.
- Mum, what are you up to?
- Harish, l weighed the pros and...
...the cons, and l came to the
conclusion that if l don't give you...
...my blessing, l'll have to hire
publicists and lawyers to do damage...
...control.
- Thanks. l'm so glad to hear that...
..your heart is in the right place.
- My heart?
l don't see your father
lending a hand.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Sorry to show up unannounced.
l tried to call you a few times.
Yes. l meant to get back.
lt's just that l've been awfully...
...distracted.
Well, hello.
Come in.
Oh, wow!
Will you look at that!
Congratulations, Angela.
When did this--
- lt's a girl.
- Well, that's fantastic.
l'm so happy for you. l really am.
God, l don't know what to say.
Maybe we should toast or something.
- She's yours, Dev.
What? Mine? How--
How could it be mine?
No, no, no.
Angela, don't cry.
That's not what l meant.
Sit down, please.
Sit down.
l didn't mean that.
- Who is it?
- Dad, would you open...
...the door already?
- l'm not home. Come back later.
Harry l--
Dad, are you gonna help me or not?
We need to talk right now.
Give me a sec.
- Who is that?
- Harry. My son.
Oh, come on, l must have
told you about him.
Listen, it looks like you're busy.
l knew l shouldn't have come here.
Angela.
Please give me a chance
to finish this conversation.
Please.
l'll be right back.
Son, l'm not telling you
not to get married.
All l'm saying is, how do you know
you picked the right woman...
...if you have nothing
to compare her to?
Why would l need to compare
when everything inside me...
...tells me that what
l'm doing is right?
Because some men like dry wine,
but others prefer sweet.
And the last thing you want to do
is open the wrong bottle.
ls that what you did with mum?
Opened the wrong bottle?
Don't you dare judge me.
You've been hearing...
...only one side of the story
for the last 20 years.
Maybe if you'd stuck around
a little longer, l could've heard...
...yours, too.
- Harry, a man makes a mistake...
...and gets a woman pregnant,
as l did with your mother.
He tries to do
the right thing, but fails.
Tell me, why must he pay
for it for the rest of his life?
You know what?
l don't know, dad.
Next time, try filing for bankruptcy.
- Harry.
Guys, we've been here,
for, like, an hour and a half.
l really think we should just go
with Harry's idea for the project.
Look, let me give you my coffee
theory on the marriage process, okay?
lt's monday morning.
No, it's not just any monday morning.
lt's the morning of our finals.
Now, we've been cramming...
...all weekend, and we're beat.
So needless to say,..
...there's a lot
riding on our coffee.
Anyway, you ask me to run down
to the shop for some ground roast,..
...'cause we're all out,
so l do.
Of course, l forget to ask you
what kind.
Of course.
So there l'am, checking out the
various brands, knowing full well...
...that the wrong choice
can cost us both big time!
And have they got some assortment.
l mean, they're all attractive.
Beautiful packaging.
Nice colors.
Great lettering.
- Louis, l get the point.
They're all quality coffee.
- But that's just it.
Quality ain't good enough here.
You know why?
Because we're playing for keeps.
Anyway, by this time,..
...l'm already in a cold sweat, man.
l mean, there's French blend,..
...there's house blend,
there's light blend,..
...there's columbian.
And serenade.
So finally, l crack,
and l go for the house blend.
Figure l made the safe choice.
But when we get our grades back,..
...that's when l find you
hanging from the frickin'...
...shower nozzle by your belt,
and that's when l realize...
...l should've gone for the columbian.
Could you live with that...
...for the rest of your life?
'Cause l couldn't.
l think you both need
to start drinking decaf.
Mom, hey. Look,
l can't talk right now, okay?
l'm in class.
l just... Bye.
Look, sorry.
l'm interrupting.
Oh, no, you're not.
You're not interrupting.
- You sure?
- Yeah. Have a seat.
- Everything's all right, right?
- Yeah. lt's fine.
l know that l'm supposed
to be a good daughter...
...and listen to my parents' problems.
lt's just sometimes, l get so tired...
...of listening. Sometimes,
l just don't want to.
Sometimes, l just want to
hang up the phone, you know?
- l can relate.
- lt's like l moved from...
...L. A. to New York to get away from
their fighting, and l'm still...
...in the middle, you know?
l'm still playing referee.
l know that my parents
love each other,..
...and they didn't always
used to fight like this.
lt's just, l went away to school
and it just got a lot worse.
Yeah. They love each other,
but they can't live with each other...
...or without each other, right?
- Exactly.
lt's like this dysfunctional
battle of the bands.
My mom's playing the Beatles, and my
dad's playing The Rolling Stones,..
...and how am l supposed
to choose which one is better,..
...and which one l like more?
l don't know why...
...l'm telling you all this.
- No. No, no.
Theresa, it's fine.
You can talk to me.
You know, when l finish talking to
my parents, l gotta take a walk.
l gotta run around
for miles around the city.
Just... lt helps me
clear my mind.
How do you run from the things
that run through your mind?
The faster you run,
the faster they run after you.
When l was a child,
and it was too dark outside...
...so l couldn't run, l would go
straight to my room,..
...close the door, hide under my bed,
and l would pray.
l would pray so hard for them
to just stop fighting.
- lt didn't work, did it?
- No. lt did not.
But--
Yeah, l always tried every day.
You carry that thing
everywhere, don't you?
Yeah. lt just sort of makes time
stand still, and sometimes you just...
...want time to stand still.
So what's the craziest thing
you've ever wanted to do?
- Salsa class.
- What? You?
- Yeah!
- Really?
What, you can't see me
salsa dancing?
Show me some moves
right now. Can you do that?
Not here.
We should go out for
lndian food sometime.
Really?
'Cause l love indian food.
Okay.
All right, see?
We're exactly the same.
Like that.
The same.
That, the same.
You've never been
to a Broadway play?
- Oh, my gosh.
- They're so cute.
Yeah, l started actually interning
for this wedding photographer,..
...and l just really liked it.
- Thank you for inviting me.
- Anytime.
lt means a lot.
- This one.
- Fugly.
Ugly.
lt looks like cheese.
- Bright.
- Bright?
Cheese.
Easy mac.
Four dollars to mail it.
E- vite.
- E- vite.
- Right?
That's what l say.
Okay, forget this one.
What about...
...this one?
- Too small.
Hate it.
- Too small?
- Hi, boys.
- Just who l wanted to see.
Woman's opinion.
l need you to help me...
...pick invitations for the wedding.
- This is weird.
- Look at this one.
This one's absolutely beautiful.
And the design, gorgeous.
Yeah, you could even hang it on
the christmas tree.
lt dangles.
"Harish weds Nita."
This one, Harry.
l gotta go.
Girls! Don't forget
our study session tonight.
The break has arrived.
Oh, Louis!
Happy birthday, Harish.
Thank you so much
for remembering.
So sweet of you.
lt's your birthday, man. l--
Happy birthday, man.
Oh, my god, Harry!
Sorry. lt's Nita.
- Are you having a party?
- Nita.
Okay, you can open
your present now.
Go on, Harish.
l hope you like it.
Why didn't you tell us
it's his birthday?
l forgot.
Actually, l never bought
a present for a boy before.
Okay, okay,
have you opened it?
Can you just hold on
for a second?
- Sure, sure.
- Thank you.
What?
A teddy bear.
Oh, it's adorable.
lsn't it adorable, guys?
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
lt's great.
- And totally original.
- l really hope you like it.
l love it so much, Nita.
l really, really do.
Okay, there's a string
at the back. Pull it.
The string on the back?
Oh, God.
You"re my sweet cuddly- wuddly
bear, aren"t you?
Yes, you are.
You"re my sweet...
...cuddly- wuddly bear,
aren"t you?
Yes, you are.
Hey, teddy bear, if you gotta talk
do it in the other room,..
...'cause some of us
got work to do.
l went to
to find you the perfect gift.
l went all over the mall,
And l saw this teddy bear--
- So shall we resume?
- l see no one's tasted my nachos.
So what made you choose
architecture, anyways?
Oh, thank God. l thought
l was the only lndian...
...who doesn't watch cricket.
- No way. Spock rules.
Let's go someplace fun,
like Jamaica.
How can we name our son Ashish?
We might as well just call him...
...Hashish so he gets
strip- searched at airports.
Yes, l can cook.
Better than you.
You"re a scorpio?
Yes, it"s a very sexual sign.
l am not blushing!
Look, all l'm saying is this guy is
like a racehorse with blinders...
...on, and he is going to get married.
- What are you,..
...the horse whisperer?
- The other day, we were...
...having this heart- to- heart,
and he started talking about...
...how some men like dry wine,
but others like sweet,..
...but how could they know
which one was better...
...unless they tasted both?
l mean, why would a guy tell me
this stuff when he doesn't...
...even drink.
Hey, l don't own a gun,
but l still know what happens...
...when l point it at my head
and pull the trigger.
All l'm saying is, what if he wanted
to send me a signal,..
...but he was too shy to come out
and tell me directly?
Look, T, you know l'm not one
to admit when l'm wrong,..
...but l have been wrong about
Harry.
This guy, he is not your ordinary
Harry. l mean, first, he hits you...
...with Harry Potter's magic wand,
then he sends you all kinds...
...of mixed messages like Harry did
to Sally. And now, he is busting out...
...his magnum on you like dirty Harry,
and blowing you away...
...with both barrels.
l say, beware of all Harrys.
They're all bad news.
Here is your lifeline.
lt's quite long.
Yep, it's quite long.
And this over here...
...is the line representing,
relationships.
So as you can see, it's sort of
going straight,..
...but then it veers off to the left.
- Yeah, l don't see that.
You're not looking
close enough obviously.
This is my grandmother's
recipe, actually.
- lt's great.
- So yummy.
Harry! Harry,
what's the matter?
Did you use meat sauce
or marinara--
22 years of my religious beliefs
are going down the--
l think l overreacted.
She didn"t mean to put
meat in the sauce.
Look, if you feel
so badly about things,..
...why don't you take her out
to smooth things over?
- You mean a date?
- No, no.
Call it...
Call it a detente.
- Detente?
- Yeah. Detente.
You know, to, like,
bury the hatchet.
Dude, take her to
one of your lndian things.
Chicks dig culture, man.
- Yeah.
Theresa, Theresa,
come on.
Take some of this.
Let's go over there.
Oh, god, this is beautiful.
Dude, this drink, l'm liking.
- lt's called bhang.
Sweet, but it packs a punch.
Kind of like you.
Very funny.
Hey, l thought you didn't drink.
- l don't, but bhang is allowed,..
...and even required
on the day of holi.
l'm serious.
Look, lord Shiva used it
to increase meditation...
...and reach transcendence,
but we mortals use it...
...to release anxiety and
to loosen up.
Hey, l'm loose, man.
And l love the bhang.
Me, too. Hey,
Bhangs away.
- What's with all the colors?
- Holi marks the end of winter...
...and the triumph of good over evil.
Smearing colors on friends,..
...acquaintances, and dear ones
is a unique custom...
...where one can meet new people,
settle old feuds and create...
...an atmosphere
of goodwill and friendship.
- So basically, it's a free- for- all.
- Basically.
Oh! What's the matter, Harry?
Feelin' blue?
No. You're just
making me see red.
Oh, so what are you
gonna do about it?
What am l
gonna do about it?
That's what
l'm gonna do about it.
Oh, at least l'm not green.
with envy.
At least l don't have purple haze
all through my brain.
Hey, knock, knock.
- Who's there?
Orange.
Orange you glad l didn't hit you
with purple again?
Dude!
Maybe you should just
lighten up a little.
What?
So much for goodwill
and friendship.
l forgive you,
but l'm never...
...cooking for you again.
l had a really,..
...really good time though.
Thank you for inviting me.
lt was my pleasure.
Don't worry about it.
- So what are you doing tomorrow?
- Tomorrow?
l'll probably
see you in class, right?
Hi, Theresa.
What's going on?
Yeah, you probably will.
- What are you doing right now?
- Now?
Yeah, l thought l might
go home and take a bath.
You know, to wash away the colors.
- Right. Yeah.
lt's a good idea. l should probably
do the same.
l'll scrub this off.
l feel like a clown.
So...
Okay then.
- Theresa.
- Yeah?
- Thanks for being such a good pal.
- Yeah.
See ya, pal.
So, Harry, can you tell us
who you chose for your arranged...
...marriage, and why?
- Sure, Jim.
l chose Nita.
See, we're both Brahmin,..
...come from the same village,
both studying to be architects,..
...our birth charts match.
- And best of all,..
...you both love
children and animals!
Right!
Let's see if our audience
agrees with you.
- You nervous?
- No.
- Not even a little bit?
- l've been planning this...
...in my mind my entire life.
All l'm doing now...
...is seeing the plan through.
lf it were me getting married,
l'd be a basket case right now.
You're a brave guy,
Harry Shankar.
- Do you wanna go take a walk?
- Yeah.
- Surprise.
- Mum!
Yes. Surprise!
l went by your apartment,
and Louis told me...
...that l might find you here.
- Mum, please, we talked...
...about the excessive p. d. a.
- Hi, babu!
l have missed you!
- Theresa, this is my mom.
- Geeta Shankar.
Formerly Patel, of the Patels
of Gujarat.
lt's a pleasure to meet you, my dear.
- Theresa Prada.
- Prada? As in the Milano Pradas?
- No. As in the Malibu...
...relocated to Brooklyn Pradas.
- Quaint. Very quaint.
l'm sure we'll meet again
when our schedules open up.
Now come along, Harish.
You and l are going...
...wedding shopping for Nita.
- Mum!
Help!
- Mrs. Shankar?
- Yes.
- You don't mind...
...if i come along, do you?
All those luxury stores can be...
...a bit overwhelming for me.
l can only imagine...
...how they must be for someone with
a lot on their mind like you.
You know, she's right.
We could really use...
...another set of good eyes
with fashion sense.
Very well.
Hey, dad. l was wondering
if we could have dinner tonight.
Oh, come on. Please?
lt's gonna be a surprise.
Okay. 8:00?
Okay, great.
l'll see you then.
Okay. Bye.
Ma'am? Your table.
- This must be a mistake.
- No. You said Shankar.
Table for three.
- Does she look like a Shankar to you?
Dev invited me.
Dev Shankar.
Oh, really? Well, this should
be entertaining.
Geeta.
Geeta Shankar.
Dev's ex- wife.
- Angela. Dev's girlfriend.
You mean current girlfriend.
Hi, dad.
So, what's the big surprise?
Harry, am l having a nightmare,
or is that your mother...
...sitting there?
- No, that's mum.
Dad, you're not trying to set me up
with one of your...
...models again, are you?
- Not exactly.
What on earth is she doing here?
- She just arrived today.
l thought we could have a nice,
family dinner and discuss...
...the marriage planning.
God, please let his night pass
without physical violence.
- Angela.
- Hi.
- Hi, Geeta.
- Hello, Dev.
How are you?
- Very well indeed.
May l present Angela?
My son Harry.
- Nice to meet you.
- Really nice to meet you.
- And--
- Yes, we met.
Hot masala buns, anyone?
They're fresh from the oven.
Perhaps for the gentleman.
He's the baker in the family.
Geeta, don't start, okay?
Dad, may l have a word?
You're unbelievable.
Bravo, dad.
Bravo.
- Harry...
...l only recently came to know
that Angela is pregnant.
And quite honestly, l didn't know
how to break it to you.
- Are you planning to get married again?
- l care about her, Harry.
That's all l know.
And l know you've
heard all this before, but...
...Harry, right now, l'm trying to cope
with the fact that l'm...
...going to be a new father, and my
only son is about to get married.
That's a lot for a man like me
to handle all at once.
l invited Angela here because
l wanted you two to meet.
When have you ever
needed my approval, huh?
l need it now.
Did you at least
invite her to the wedding?
l thought l'd let you do that,
if you wanted to.
Come on. Let's go back to the table.
Angela's all alone with mum.
You should have told me that your
mother was gonna be here.
Could have, but you
wouldn't have come.
Good point.
Wow!
What the hell is this?
This is two of thumper's
hottest chicks, baby.
- Yeah, extra hot, like curry.
- But l asked for two lndians.
No. No, no, no, no.
Girls, l wanted dots, not feathers.
Ah, smoke a peace pipe, Papi.
lt's party time.
Surprise!
- Welcome to lndia, everyone.
- Mum.
Hello, darling.
How are you?
Come, come.
Welcome.
Thanks, but remember, when all else
fails, Pundit Deepak prevails.
Welcome to lndia.
- l couldn't sleep.
- Yeah. Me either.
Must be the jet lag.
ls everything okay?
Can l ask you
an eleventh- hour question?
Sure.
Do you remember that night you
walked me home to my apartment...
Do you remember that night you
walked me home to my apartment...
...after the holi festival?
- Yeah.
Why didn't you kiss me?
All l know is that he's settling,
and l'd rather be alone...
...than settle.
- Poof! Your wish is granted.
You're alone.
- That was really mean.
Look, T, sometimes, you get to play
the bride, and other times,..
...you have to play the photographer.
Next time, you'll play the bride.
All my years of planning
down the drain.
How could l let this happen?
Why now?
Why did l kiss her?
What was l thinking? Huh?
l wasn't. One minute, l was looking
into her big, blue eyes,..
...and the next thing l know--
- lt's called love, man.
And it makes no sense, either.
- Louis, l have no time...
...or place in my life for
love right now.
l'm getting married.
Will you stop
looking at me like that?
- Like what?
- Like you know what l'm thinking.
- All right, l'll stop looking.
- Okay, what am l thinking?
You're thinking,
why am l doing this?
Why did l come halfway across
the world to marry someone...
...that l don't even love?
- l will love her once we're married.
lt doesn't work that way, Harry.
lt's not real if you plan it.
- What do you know?
- That's right.
What do l know?
Just marry Nita, and one night,..
...while you're passionately
having orgasms with her,..
...you'll accidentally
scream out my name.
Oh, Theresa. Oh, baby--
- Stop it! Please.
Oh, don't worry, Harry, Nita will
totally understand, since you've...
..."arranged" to love her.
- Okay, first of all,..
...Nita won't be having any orgasms.
Secondly, no one will be screaming...
...anyone else's names.
- Wow. That sounds like...
...a kick- ass honeymoon.
- You think that's funny, don't you?
Okay, for your information, l would
never call out your name.
l've got it all under control.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- lt's really something, eh?
- Crazy! l can't believe this place.
lt's so beautiful.
- My ancestors used to live here.
- This is Theresa.
- Hi! God, l've heard...
...so much about you.
- Thanks.
l'm so sorry.
l'm new at this.
lt's okay.
lt happens to most of us.
Louis. Hi.
- You must be Rick.
- You've heard of me.
So how are you guys
enjoying the dance?
- The dance was super- fly.
- lt was dope.
lt was dope.
There you are.
Mrs. Shah, how are you?
Nice to see you. Commissioner.
Harish, you seem like a nice boy.
But you know what?
Sometimes nice boys
do not so nice things.
Understand this. lf you ever
hurt my precious flower,..
...l'll have you ground
into the dust you came from.
Okay.
Commissioner.
- You can call me dad.
- Oh, yeah. l'm so glad...
...we can talk openly
to one another.
- l'll see you.
- Dad.
- lt's called Dandiya.
- Dandiya?
- Can l talk to you for a moment?
- You can always talk to me, Harry.
lt's an lndian traditional dance
that you're supposed to do.
Listen, l--
l just wanted to say...
...l'm really sorry if i hurt you.
- Harry, l--
Relax. lt's not like
l didn't see this coming.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Shall we go up to the dome?
- Sure. Just give me...
...a second, l'll join you there.
- All right.
Take your time.
That's a lovely sari
that you're wearing.
Thank you. lt's just something
l picked up when in Rome--
- What a beautiful tattoo you have.
- Thank you.
You know, l think
Harish told me about it.
- He told you about my sunflower?
- Yeah. Sometimes l think...
...he talks more about you than
he talks about himself.
At first, l was really jealous.
But then, he told me...
...how helpful you were with
planning out the wedding,..
...and how you helped him
pick out the wedding invite.
He's really lucky
to have a friend like you.
- Thanks.
- Listen.
l know l should wait to be
surprised and all of that,..
...but l can't wait a moment longer
to find out about my Harry.
And he's been so...
Quiet.
So l was wondering if you could
tell me everything that...
...l need to know.
- Everything?
Girl to girl.
Would you mind?
lt would be my pleasure.
Harry...
...is a really great guy, and you two
are perfect for each other.
And l'm sure that he will make
you really happy.
Don't worry. l'll make him
happy, too.
Theresa, l know it's not
my place to ask,..
...but you and Harry, you're a lot
more than friends, aren't you?
Actually, he has always
been yours.
Will you excuse me?
What just happened?
- Hi.
- Some party, huh?
Yeah. l mean,
Mum really went all out.
Hey.
Thank you.
So, since when
did you start to drink?
l thought l'd take your advice,
and live a little.
l can't believe my little baby
is getting married.
Dad, l hope l have your
blessings for tomorrow.
l really need to hear that
right about now.
Harry, your mother
was a good woman.
Don't be a prick to Nita
Like l was to your mother.
- l need to ask you something.
- Before you do, l need to confess.
Something happened--
- Harish.
l know that you care for her.
And l also know...
...that you will care for me the same
way once we're married.
But we've only just met,
and there's no way...
...that l can compete.
Especially if we haven't even--
Please. Let me explain.
Theresa and l are just friends.
Just good friends.
And what happened between her
and l is inexcusable, l know, but--
Nita.
- lt's okay.
l'm already yours.
- l can't.
Really?
l think we should
go back downstairs.
Harish.
Just promise me one thing.
From tomorrow onwards,..
...everything will be perfect.
Yeah, l promise.
So, Harry, can you tell us
who you chose for your...
...arranged marriage and why?
You"re my sweet
cuddly- wuddly bear.
This poor fish is not going to be
swimming in the tank much longer.
Why do people bother
getting married anymore?
Darling, you"re just
going through a phase.
Why did l come halfway across
the world to marry someone...
...that l don"t even love?
How do you know you picked
the right woman if you have...
...nothing to compare her to?
Sometimes nice boys
do not so nice things.
Can you live with that
the rest of your life?
Sometimes you just
want time to stand still.
Deal or no deal?
Don"t be a prick to Nita
like l was to your mother.
Don"t be a prick to Nita.
Don"t be a prick.
A prick.
l feel...
Oh, my god!
Harish, are you okay?
Someone get him
some water, please.
First of all, l'd like to thank
Nita's parents for this lovely,..
...lovely ceremony.
And of course, my parents, as well.
Ever since my parents got
divorced, l've wanted to get married.
Arranged married, of course.
And so l thought if...
...l live my life analytically,
l could avoid from getting hurt,..
...and becoming
lonely and spiteful.
So...
l played it safe and
hid under my bed.
Like l used to as a child.
- What are you saying, harish?
- What l'm saying is,..
...some months ago,
life was so simple.
Now l've...
l've complicated it very much
for myself,..
...for you and for everyone
else here today.
- You're calling off the wedding?
- Nita if l didn't,..
...l'd only be marrying you
for all the wrong reasons.
When you finally found out why,
you would hate me...
...for the rest of our lives.
And l'd rather live with...
...you possibly hating me
than live with that.
l just hope that you can find it in
your heart to forgive me.
l'm so sorry.
l don't hate you.
ln fact, l understand.
l really do.
Maybe you just talked yourself
into getting married...
...because your parents were
trying to talk you out of it.
Just like l let my parents do to me.
To rush me.
- Are you reneging?
- With all due respect, sir--
- First you crush my little flower.
- Father, please don't.
lt's okay--
- Quiet.
Then you denigrate my family,
make a mockery...
...of our traditions.
l'm going to kill you, you bastard.
Father, please don't.
Father, just
stop it, please.
You"re probably wondering
how things turned out.
Well, the commissioner
blacklisted mum,..
...and vowed she"d never see
another building project...
...pass inspection for
as long as they both lived.
Theresa shoots for
an online fashion magazine,..
...and she"s doing so well.
l love it, l love it.
As far as mum and l go, l forgave
her for turning my marriage...
...into a business plan.
After all, mum is mum,..
...and she did raise me after dad
ran off to chase women.
What are you
waiting for?
To prove his point, Louis opened
a gourmet Coffee shop...
...serving French blend, house blend
light blend, Columbian,..
...and of course, serenade.
Dad married Angela,..
...and they had a baby girl
who they named Love.
l"m crazy about her.
Having a baby sister is so fun.
And dad actually seems
to be behaving himself.
You guys are unbelievable.
Stop it!
lt took a while, but Nita and l
became friends...
...on Facebook.
And last l checked, she"s dating
a guy who also loves...
...children and animals.
Harry.
Well, here"s the part where you
probably expect me...
...to get down on my knee
and ask Theresa to marry me.
Don't people have to be dating
to exchange Valentine's day gifts?
What's wrong with two friends
exchanging gifts on Valentine's day?
- Come on. Let's walk.
- Where to?
- My place.
- Your place?
Yeah. l'll cook for you.
Okay, l won't cook for you.
But the truth is, l"m learning
a lot more about life...
...by staying single and learning
who l really am.
You see, l"ve made it
a point to live a little,..
...and see where life takes me.