Five minutes, my little lambs.
Has anyone seen Bliss Cavendar?
Pash, this can't be happening.
Why aren't you backstage, Brooke?
You know how it is.
They get to a certain age,
they don't want you back there.
She said she'll meet me here.
Really? That's odd.
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
PASH:It says "temporary. "
lt did a minute ago, I swear.
My mom is gonna kill me.
(APPLAUSE)
(PIANO PLAYING)
EMCEE: Now, Miss Amber Black.
If I could have dinner with
anyone, it would have to be God.
Because what they say
is true. God is great.
(APPLAUSE)
Don't tell them that I did it, okay?
Those are the rules,
you're not allowed to tell.
(EXCLAIMING)
Let go. I'm your only friend.
Corbi Booth, ladies and gentlemen.
If I could have dinner with anyone,
it would have to be my grandfather.
l love you, Papa.
(APPLAUSE)
And now, also from Bodeen,
Miss Bliss Cavendar.
(PIANO PLAYING)
(PIANO STOPS)
If I could have dinner with anyone,
it would be Amelia Earhart,
because not only was she
a pioneer of aviation,
but she was a great woman in history.
Thank you.
(PIANO PLAYING)
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
So enlighten me. What was
that little stunt all about?
Are you trying to sabotage your chances?
Or was it just your biological urge to
make your mother look like a jackass?
lt was just a dare.
Oh. How did that work out for you?
Not so great?
(EXCLAIMS) Corbi.
Congratulations, honey. Well-deserved.
Thank you. Thumbs way up.
Thank you, Mrs. Cavendar.
Bliss is so hard to beat. Usually.
Well, the Blue Bonnet pageant
is right around the corner.
And we'll be there. Come on, honey.
Oh. See you later. See you.
I'm sorry that these pageants
don't live up to your high
moral standards, Bliss,
but there's a lot you
can learn from them,
no matter what you go on to be in life.
You think you're being
judged up there on that stage,
but no one's asking
you to be Miss America.
I wanna be Miss America.
And you're gonna be the
best one ever, sweetheart.
Teeth.
Eyes.
Trudy, bless your
heart for fitting us in.
Well, hell. Shit happens.
Let me get my foils.
BROOKE: Now, what were you
thinking, getting blue hair?
ANNOUNCER ON RADIO.. Fourteenth
drive in the red zone.
They have now given up nine touchdowns
and three field goals. We'll
see how this one ends up.
He's only had one
takeaway in the red zone.
Hey.
(LAUGHS)
I won another one.
Lord, child, you are unstoppable.
And had I known what you were up
to, I would have bought a ticket.
BROOKE: Earl.
I mean, dang it, girl,
what has gotten into you?
Just defective, I guess.
BROOKE: Nice parenting, Earl.
Come on, now.
Ooh, I'll see you later.
(CHUCKLES)
WOMAN: Dinner.
Seriously, out of all the
places to go to in the world.
who would come to Bodeen?
PASH: Them. I mean, they're smart,
at least they just pass through.
BIRDMAN: Go ahead and mock it.
But without the Blue Bonnet
factory, this town wouldn't exist.
You know what, Birdman,
I think I preferred you
before you got promoted.
You know, now you're all corporate.
l know. I miss the old Birdman. Yeah.
Ladies, don't let the tie
fool you. I'm still one of us.
But y'all are gonna have to
start calling me Dwayne now.
It's more dignified. No.
Birdman is the only thing
you have going for you.
(TRUCK APPROACHING)
That's what you think.
BLISS: Really?
PASH: Yeah.
PASH: Hey.
Make sure they tip you this time.
Hey, what can I get you guys?
Hey, Corbi.
So what are you, like, alternative now?
Alternative to what?
What's the name of that thing that
if I eat it real fast, it's free?
That's the Squealer. You have to
eat it in three minutes or less.
Yeah, you bring me a Squealer.
And I don't mean Corbi.
(LAUGHS)
(SQUEALING)
BOY: Let's go, buddy, pick
it up. Come on, come on.
Oh, yes. You got it, you got it.
PASH: I can't believe you
used to share a bed with her.
Baby, baby, get it, yeah.
You make it sound very
dirty. lt was just sleepovers.
Come on. Come on. Baby, do it. Do it.
Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.
Come on. Come on, Colby! Yeah.
That's my man. Come on, Colby.
(ALL CHEERING)
(GRUNTING)
It's free, bitches.
It's free. It's free.
l was thinking
maybe we could go to
Austin and do some shopping.
Really?
BOTH: (SINGING WITH RADIO) Teach
them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty
they possess inside
...them a sense of
pride to make it easier
You hate them.
Well, they don't have duct tape
on them. That's an improvement.
Hi.
Thanks.
Ooh!
Pretty vases.
(MALE CLERK LAUGHING)
MALE CLERK: They're
great for tulips, really.
Um...
Thank you. Yup, I changed my mind.
No, please, Bliss. Come on.
Don't... Don't be embarrassed.
It's funny.
I'm supposed to buy you
shoes from a head shop?
Does that really strike you
as responsible parenting?
Fine. 'Cause shoes are a gateway drug.
For gosh sakes, Bliss.
(PHONE RINGING)
ANNOUNCER ON TV.. lt goes out
of bounds near the 42 yard line.
There is a flag down.
Yeah, it's Earl. BROOKE:Hello. Earl.
Can you please explain to your daughter
why it's inappropriate to
buy shoes in a head shop?
Dad, it's not like that.
(LAUGHING) You took your
mother to a head shop?
Are you off your nut?
You know, if she wasn't
here and I used my own money,
it wouldn't make a difference.
That's not the point.
Look, I am in the middle
of a deal here, okay?
So whatever you all
work out is fine with me.
Give me that. Okay?
Earl, do you know how hard I have worked
to raise these girls in
a drug-free environment?
Yes, I do. Exactly.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Hi. Hey, girls. What's up?
Hello. Dropping my flyers off.
Perfect. Hurl Scouts-Holy Rollers.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
See you then. Thanks, girls. Bye.
Come on. All right, let's go. Come on.
BLISS: Screw you and your
grandma's Chevy Celebrity.
(CHUCKLES)
Here.
No, what are you doing? Yes,
yes, yes. You got stiffed
on your tips again, just take it. No.
Just take it. take it. No.
What is this? What is this?
Roller derby?
This is... This is tomorrow.
This is in Austin.
Yeah, I know.
Will there be cute boys there?
(BOTH CHATTERING)
Hey, Mom, Dad, we're gonna
go to a football game.
It's an away game, but...
The team kind of needs us.
No, no, no, not "kind of," they do.
EARL: Well, sure.
Hey, I'll tell you what, I'll take you.
No, it's cool. You have your car.
Yeah, I have my car.
No, but I mean, you know,
we can watch together.
Earl, let the girls go
on and have their fun.
And then you and I can nuzzle.
(BOTH GASPING)
I kind of feel bad lying to them.
I don't. I give my parents straight A's.
l get freedom.
(SCREAMING)
(SHEENA IS A RUNK
ROOKER PLAYING ON RADIO)
(SINGING) She's a punk
punk, a punk rocker
Punk punk, a punk rocker
(SCREAMING)
Well, the kids are all
hopped up and ready to go
They're ready to go now
They've got their surfboards
And they're going to
the discotheque a-go-go
But she just couldn't stay
She had to break away
Well, New York City really has it all
Oh, yeah
Don't say I never gave you anything.
Sheena is a punk rocker
(CROWD CHEERING)
Okay, everybody, and welcome
to skate night at the Warehouse.
I'm a little hung-over tonight, so l...
Anyway, let me introduce
you to our first team.
Ooming to you from
the streets of Austin,
men, hold on to your
cookies, it's the Hurl Scouts.
Number 99, captain of the
Hurl Scouts, Maggie Mayhem.
Number 69, Bloody Holly.
Number 3, Rosa Sparks.
Number 2, Smashley Simpson.
Razor Magee's Hurl Scouts have come
in last place three years running.
This league has five teams,
each with their own theme.
What outlaw do we have
skating against the Hurl Scouts
this fine Texas evening here?
I'm talking about the girls so bad
that even God can't keep them in line.
Give it up for the
undefeated Holy Rollers.
Last season's champs
are led by their captain,
the league's leading scorer. Iron Maven.
Yeah, she's the one from the flyer.
I'm feeling hot in these
polyesters right now, baby.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's play some roller derby.
(BLOWING WHISTLE)
A jammer scores a point in this course
by passing members of the opposite team.
Maven gets a great jump. That's fast.
And she's out to an early lead.
Iron Maven, ladies and gentlemen.
Folks. the ones to watch
tonight are the jammers.
Those are the ones with
the stars on their helmets.
Some of you might remember watching
derby on TV back in the '7 0s,
but it was reborn right
here in the heart of Texas,
a true Austin tradition.
Maven's heading up on the outside
but it's real crowded in there.
(GRUNTS) That's a big
hit by Rosa Sparks.
Jackie Daniels is down.
Lucky for the Hurl Scouts
this is only an exhibition bout
because the Rollers are in control.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKER)
(CROWD CHATTERING)
MAN: Thank you, Maggie.
l just wanna tell you all
that you're my new heroes.
It's your first time here?
Yeah.
Well, put some skates
on, be your own hero.
(LAUGHS)
The last time I wore skates,
they had Barbies on them.
Hey, you know, none of us knew our
ass from an elbow pad when we started.
You should come to tryouts on Tuesday.
You have to be 21 . You're 21 , right?
Two:I'm 22.
Yeah, I just had my...
I had my birthday, so...
Great, it's this Tuesday at 5:00.
It is? Yeah.
I'm Maggie, Maggie Mayhem.
I'm Bliss, but I can change that.
Yeah, you'll have to change that.
Don't be late.
"Twenty-two. Just had my birthday."
Twenty-one, it's a red flag.
Twenty-two's way more believable.
l guess, 'cause you're not actually
gonna do it, so I guess it makes sense.
Why don't you and I try out?
Excuse me?
l didn't have a
Barbie-roller-skating phase. Okay?
l had a fat-kid-sits-inside-
and-reads-a-book phase.
You know that.
Well, what makes you
think I won't try out?
(CLEARS THROAT)
(CHUCKLES) Because you'd
be scared to go without me.
And those roller derby
girls, they're tough.
And you are not. Ow!
Gee. How dare you?
Not to mention your mom.
She doesn't have to know.
You don't have the baIls.
l can grow the balls.
(WHIMPERING)
No way.
Mm.
Hey.
Do you have room for one more?
l like your hair.
Thanks, hon. I do it myself.
DRIVER: All right, next
stop, downtown Austin.
DERBY PLAYER 1 : Hey.
DERBY PLAYER 2: Hey.
What's your derby name?
Pocket Rocket.
What's yours?
Jaba the Slut.
Hey, you made it. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm glad you came.
Thanks.
What is that?
That would be Razor. He's our coach.
He's a good guy. And he
really knows his derby.
All right, ladies. Let's roll.
Ooh, jean shorts.
Every single day.
(METAL BANGING)
Meet the Manson sisters.
Gift from the Ottawa Women's
Hockey League to the Hurl Scouts.
They both seem really aggressive.
Maybe we can finally
win a few this year.
Maybe.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
All right, listen up, fresh meat.
There's a lot more to derby than
fishnets and picking out a tough name.
This is a sport.
Now, the league has six spots open.
So whatever shred of talent you have,
hope you leave it out on
the track for me today.
Okay, what is it?
Sorry.
Just what are the rules?
Derby 1 01 , people.
Four blockers from each team
are lined up on the track.
Ten feet behind them,
two jammers are lined
up, one from each team.
We're the ones who score.
First whistle blows
and the pack takes off.
Then a second whistle blows
and the jammers take off.
Some of us faster than others.
Once the jammer breaks through the pack,
she hauls ass around the track
a second time and tries to score.
For every player on the
opposing team the jammer passes,
she gets a point.
Most points wins the
game every single time.
Now, line up and get you some.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Get up.
Go, ladies. Move it.
Up, up, up. Go.
Looking good, Barbie.
It's roller derby, not cotillion.
Come on, put a hit on somebody.
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)
God damn it. Diane.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Hey. That move will get
you tossed from a game.
There's no place in this sport for that.
What?
Okay. Sorry.
But I like the aggression.
Is it bad?
Mmm-mmm.
Mmm-mmm.
No. Mmm-mmm.
Mmm-mmm.
Forty-one, gotta improve
on that. 39, 32, not bad.
Twenty-nine. Let's go.
(EXHALES)
Twenty-three?
Looks like you've got some competition.
Yeah, yeah, wake me when she
learns how to throw a hit.
(EXCLAIMING)
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)
Or take one.
Hey, you're Iron Maven.
That's right, kiss-ass.
Why don't you suck up a little harder?
There's still part of your face
that doesn't have doodie on it.
MAVEN: Nice shorts. Bliss: Help.
Can somebody help me? I...
Just kidding.
Hey, by the way, you made
it, you're a Hurl Scout.
Nice work out there.
(CAUGHT UP IN YOU PLAYING)
(SlNGING) I never
knew there'd come a day
(CAR HORN HONKING)
When I'd be saying to you
"Don't let this good love slip away..."
Your feet are on fire. They're on fire.
Seriously, look, they're on fire.
You're changing your schedule?
Well, I have to. You know, for practice.
Don't leave me alone with Birdman.
You can change yours to mine.
l can't. I'm actually taking
an SAT class, remember?
(BELL RINGING)
So caught up in you, little girl
That I never did suspect a thing
So caught up in you, little girl
That I never want to get myself free
(EXCLAIMS)
(LAUGHING)
You caught me Baby, you taught me
How good lt could be
BROOKE: Shania, I am not cleaning Salisbury
steak sauce off of that fringe again.
Hey, I just wanted to let you guys know
that I'm gonna change my work schedule
to Mondays, Wednesdays,
'cause I wanna take an SA class on Tuesdays, Thursdays.
I'm impressed.
Me, too.
l like smart girls, that's
why I married your mama.
Well, that and I knocked her up.
So caught up in you, little girl
You're the one that's
got me down on my knees
So caught up in you, little girl
That I never want to get myself free
And, baby, it's true
You're the one
Who caught me Baby, you taught me
How good lt could be
Fill your days and your nights
No need to ever ask me twice
Oh, no
Whenever you want me
Shouldn't... Shouldn't we,
like, be practicing soon?
Yeah, hurry up, you guys,
we don't wanna be late.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Careful, Pee-Wee here might
get the idea we actually win.
You don't? HeIl, no. Never.
All that "We're Number 1 "
corporate crap doesn't apply.
Our bad attitude's an asset here.
Okay, ladies. Check it out.
Hot off the presses, brand new
playbooks compiled by yours truly.
Your hands clean?
Yes, my hands are clean.
Pay particular attention
to Play Number 3.
I think it's gonna blow your doors off.
Smashley, you're late as per usual.
I know.
Well, then you must also know that
there's nothing cool about being late.
Hey... RAZOR: Let's hit the track.
Who's up for Lovejoy's later
tonight? $2 pitchers. Beer?
SMASHLEY: I'm in.
ROSA: Me, too.
I'm in.
You weren't invited.
I'm still in.
There's no such thing as a scrimmage.
We practice the way we play.
Maven, you know what to do.
Bliss, show me something good.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
You ready? (SCOFFS) Am I ready?
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
RAZOR: Let's go, ladies. Skate.
Don't block your own player, let's go.
Crossover the turn, stay
low. Crossover the turn.
Bend those knees. Bend those
knees. Bend those knees.
BLISS: Ow!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
What the hell was that?
You had Maven beat, but she smoked you
'cause you're too scared to throw a hit.
And then you quit.
I need you to be a lot more...
l want you to start
being a lot... Ruthless.
Yeah.
That's right, you little peanut,
l need you to be ruthless.
This is a contact sport, Bliss.
Eventually I'm gonna
need you to make contact.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Next group up. Back off, Razor.
MAGGIE: Just ignore
him. SMASHLEY: We do.
Seriously.
l mean, he's right. I'm not cutting it.
You know what I like to
think about before every game?
My ex.
Little piece of advice, Bliss.
Don't fall for your regional manager
and think that he's
not gonna give you crabs
because he cheated on
you, 'cause it happens.
And when I think about myself in the
shower, using that special shampoo,
which, for the record, doesn't make
anyone feel very special at all,
I really, really wanna hit somebody.
You have to find that thing that
really pisses you off and you use it.
Have you ever had crabs?
No.
No. Okay. My doctor said
it was really common, but...
B-man, come on. What do you say?
Pash has to come. You
know. it's my first game.
Yeah, well, what about me?
I mean, did anybody bother to think,
"Hey, Birdman might appreciate hot
girls in fishnets and roller skates
"beating the crap out of each other"?
No, they did not.
Do you wanna come, too?
Yeah, but I can't. l
have a prior engagement.
I'm covering for Pash.
(EXCLAIMING IN DELIGHT)
Yes. We love you. Birdman.
Yeah? You know we love you.
Thank you. We do. You know that, right?
Yeah, yeah. Not enough.
We're crazy about you.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
You can never have too much eyeliner.
Or LashBlast.
Here's a little gift from the team.
Safety is sexy.
You'll need these, too.
Those are just sexy.
Guys, thanks.
Let the bout come to you.
Let the bout come to you.
Let the bout come to you.
So, are you ready for your big debut?
Has anyone ever thrown
up on the track before?
Yeah.
Let's get them. Kill them dead.
Skate fast, skate hard.
I'm gonna puke.
JOHNNY ON PA: During the day,
they go by Peggy, Francine,
Tammy, and Rachael, but here...
All right, let the bout come to you.
Okay.
ALL: One, two, three, kick ass.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) And they're off.
Jamming for the Widows, Eva
Destruction against the Hurl Scouts.
Bloody Holly who makes
her way out to the pack.
And, oh, she passes the block
with a beautIful backward skating.
But wait a second, from out of nowhere,
Eva Destruction shows
up right on her tail.
Each girl the jammer
passes, they get a point.
Pass a girl, get a point.
And she's gotten the first
seven points of the game.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
And the Widows take the lead.
Hey, Black Widows, my
spidey senses are tingling.
About to make a sequel in my pants.
Yeah, Spider-Man 3 and a Half?
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Yeah, it is three and
a half inches wide.
(IMITATING TROMBONE)
Air trombone, yeah.
Nice jam, man.
That was amazing.
Thanks.
Yeah. Thank you.
Where did you learn to skate like that?
Well, I once tried out for the Olympics,
but that didn't exactly work out.
You gotta maintain the
triangle configuration.
I've been over it and
over it with you guys.
What do you want to do? Come on.
l don't need to do the triangle.
I need to get up there and...
JOHNNY: It's the second quarter
and we have Manson Number 1
jamming for the Hurl Scouts.
This is a rough contact sport.
These girls are lean,
mean skating machines.
And they gotta go fast if they
wanna get past the blockers
who are trying to knock them down.
And by "knock them down, " l
mean "beat them to a pulp. "
Eva's gonna grab another four points,
bringing the Widows' score to
Team captain Maggie Mayhem doing the
honors for the Hurl Scouts, but...Oh!
Getting Widows jammer Honey
Suckit back for that rail check
and Whiskey sweeps Manson
Number 2 out of the way,
making room for Honey to widen the gap
to collect another three points
there as we go into halftime.
That makes the score 29-10. Come on.
(HORN SOUNDING)
They say the Scouts
have the most loyal fans,
and being the worst team in the
league, Lord knows they need them.
Oh, Rosa Sparks, no, you didn't.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
God damn it.
JOHNNY:Okay, folks, the Widows
have a pretty comfortable lead here
late in the game.
Hurl Scouts coach Razor
still sticking with Smashley
Simpson as the jammer.
She's up against the Widows'
speed woman, Honey Suckit.
Oh! The Widows'jammer
hip-checks Smashley.
Well, our favorite
Whole Foods checkout girl
is about to bag her some Honey. Hey.
(ALL CHEERING)
Clean-up on Aisle 5.
With time left for only one more
jam, and the game out of reach,
Smashley Simpson is out of here.
Okay, you're in.
Show me why they call you Ruthless.
(EXHALES)
Go get you some.
Okay, Austin, get ready to
meet your newest Hurl Scout.
Here she is, Number 22, the fastest
thing on eight wheels, Babe Ruthless.
Babe Ruthless? All
right. Go, Babe Ruthless.
(WHOOPING) JOHNNY:AIl right,
it's the final jam of the night.
I like the taste of fresh meat.
And Razor, with nothing
to lose, throws the rookie
into the last jam on
her very first game.
And dang.
Babe Ruthless gets a double shove
to the rail served up by Whiskey.
But she's back up like a Weeble.
Okay, okay, that's good.
She darts down the inside
and heads towards the outside
and makes a run for it out of the pack.
Oh, but here comes Eva
Destruction, still skating strong,
hoping to ruin Babe's debut.
Ruthless is out of the pack.
She's coming around for her points.
(WHOOPING)
That's my best friend.
That's my best friend.
Rumor has it that Ruthless blew
away the judges in speed trials,
and you could certainly see why tonight.
And now Manson Number 1 takes out Eva.
Feeling the heat Ruthless is bringing,
and she gets through for the score.
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
And Ruthless gets four points.
PASH: Go, Babe Ruthless.
Babe Ruthless scored the
last four points of the game,
but the Widows take this one home.
Congratulations, you still suck.
(ALL WHOOPING)
That's great. Celebrate
mediocrity. That's fantastic.
Yeah, it's all a big joke.
We came second.
We came second. You came second.
We came in second out
of two teams. Nice.
ALL: (CHANTING) We're
Number 2. We're Number 2.
We're Number 2. We're Number 2.
We're Number 2. ROSA:
Razor, come on. You did good.
Well, I didn't throw up.
That'll do. Good thing.
Hey. Hey.
Oh, my God. I take back what l
said about you not being tough.
You kicked ass. Really?
Oh, yeah. And I saw that
guy you liked. You did?
Mmm-hmm. But then I lost him.
Bliss. Hey, Hot Tubs.
Oh, I can't. I gotta get home to my man.
No. Yes. Great game.
Yeah, man, that was good.
What's Hot Tubs? Yeah?
Oh, well, here at the
Warehouse. . he's Johnny Rocket.
But here he's "Hot Tub" Johnny.
Even though he's not allowed in,
we started calling him "Hot Tub"
until he got us one.
Huh.
All right. Check it out.
No. that's . the thing.
Coke? You swallowed?
(CHUCKLES) That's hilarious.
Not in this lifetime, Johnny.
Or the next one.
Hey.
(LAUGHS)
(GRUNTS)
What's up, ladies?
ShouId we help him?
Nah. That's her fianc. He
loves it. SMASHLEY: I love you.
That's my fianc. Hey.
(GRUNTS)
EVA: You know, there's some stuff
I'm pretty sure I could teach you.
(CHUCKLES) Johnny.
MAN: Y'all check it out.
He's not even in anymore, man.
(SlNGING) ...I need you tonight, tonight
It's gonna be all right
'Cause you are in my sight
All night, all night
Tonight, tonight, aIl night
Hey, sweet thing, will you please bring
That one thing, it makes my heart sing
Why? 'Cause I need it
SMASHLEY: Hey, man, check this out.
That's not a bruise. That's a bruise.
SMASHLEY: Yeah. you look
pretty good. That's nice, huh?
Pash?
(UNATTAINABLE PLAYING)
Nice choice.
Yeah?
Yeah, and I love this one.
So where you from?
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I hail from the bustling
metropolis known as Bodeen, Texas.
Uh, the tiny town,
right? Off of South 84?
That would be the one.
You live alone?
Roommate.
Me, too. Four of them.
Why Bodeen? If you don't mind
me asking. What do you do there?
By day, I work at the Oink Joint.
But by night... MAN: Oliver. Oliver.
(LAUGHS) Oliver.
One second.
Oliver.
Get your ass down here. You
left Jasper's guitar in your car.
All right, dill weed.
Shut up, douche bag.
Nimrod. Tampon.
Tool.
(SIGHS)
What are you doing in approximately
five and a half minutes?
No official plans.
Great.
I'll go bring you something.
There she is. All by herself.
Hey. MAVEN: Don't fight it.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Let's get a beer.
Oh, my God.
Okay, you can make out
with him. But that is it.
PASH: Who are you, my mother?
Pash?
(SQUEALS)
(LAUGHS)
Savage and I have been
looking everywhere for you.
Yeah, I bet.
My belly hurts.
There's a storm in there.
lt really does, though.
Come on. Hold on. Hold
on. Let's get this.
(BURPS)
It's cool. I swallowed it.
No, come on. Just stick
your fingers in your throat.
No, you stick your
finger down your throat.
Pash. Have you ever thought
about your parents making love?
Your dad's naked body?
What?
His balls jiggling.
(GRUNTS)
Sweaty. No.
(RETCHING)
That's not fair.
Could you get me a washcloth?
Yeah.
I'm sorry I ruined your kind of date.
But I want dirt.
His name's Oliver. It's a great name.
Yeah, if you like wayfaring
Dickensian orphans.
(BLISS SIGHS)
You're gonna have to roll over.
You smell like a dead goat.
(CHUCKLES)
Sorry.
(EXHALES) Ugh.
Hey, girl. How was the sleepover?
Fine.
BROOKE: Bliss, are you ready yet?
The Blue Bonnet brunch is in an hour.
Did you forget?
You think you have all
the time in the world,
but there's not many girls who
are both smart and pretty like you.
And I hate to admit it, but the
pretty part doesn't last forever.
You got to make the most of
what you have while you can.
Nobody tells you that.
Mom, you're still really beautiful.
Save your sarcasm for later.
How's your inspiration speech coming?
I'm working on it.
You want me to read it?
Not yet. Later?
(JOLENE PLAYING ON RADIO)
(SINGING) Bodeen, Bodeen, Bodeen, Bodeen
Someone get me out of here, Bodeen
It's depressing in the sticks
I'm aIl over these racist hicks
And I'm jonesing for an Austin fix
Yeah. That's right.
Bodeen, Bodeen, Bodeen, Bodeen
(EXCLAIMS)
(THUDS)
BLISS: Oh, my God, it's him.
What do I do?
Go ask him if he wants a Squealer.
Are you stalking me?
No, ma'am.
l happen to be here in Bodeen on
business craving some barbeque.
And, yeah, I'm stalking you.
Okay.
Can you take a break?
(PANTING)
You owe me. I wasn't even
supposed to work today.
l love you.
Is this you?
(SIGHS)
Technically, it's my brother's
band. But, yes, I am in it.
And I'll be taking that from you now.
Wow. From here it kind of looks like
you're wearing a Stryper T-shirt.
Stryper? Yeah, '80s
Christian heavy metal.
l mean, "In the name
of Jesus, we rock."
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I suppose if
it's in His name then.
What's this? What's this three
million five hundred and...
Oh, that's nothing.
You wanna know? I wanna know.
It's a little thing called a high score.
At just the right... Go. Nice shot.
Is this what you do with all the girls?
You take them here to
show off your skills?
Yeah. And it usually works, too.
Oh, yeah?
Maybe we should do something different.
(SINGING) Stars at
night are big and bright
BOTH: Deep in the heart of Texas
l should probably get to practice.
Shit.
Um...
I think I might have lost my keys.
BLISS: Marco. Polo.
Marco.
Polo.
Marco!
Polo!
Found them.
Cool, I guess we can go now.
Oops.
I'm gonna kill you.
I'm gonna tear you up. I know.
l am going to...
l realize this. I realize this.
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
HOLLY: Holy crap, you guys.
We almost won that one.
ROSA: Yeah, almost.
You know, Razor's play actually worked.
Man, maybe we ought to learn new plays.
What's up, Hurl Scouts?
That was so good out there.
lt was really cute to
see y'all trying so hard.
(LAUGHING)
I hate her.
Bliss. Yeah?
Remember all that stuff I said
about winning not mattering?
Forget it.
l wanna beat that cocky bitch.
Me, too.
(ALL WHOOPING)
WINNING PLAYER: On my team. Yeah!
Look what Corbi did.
With all that combined brain power,
this is the best they
could come up with?
BLISS: They got your freckles.
That they did.
(SQUEAKING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Hey, are you all right?
You can't do that.
She just did.
We deserve better villains.
JOHNNY ON PA.. Just
a few minutes gone by,
but the game Is already
faIling into a familiar pattern,
giving the Fight
Attendants an 1 8-to-6 lead.
Okay, ladies, we're getting
beat, but we got the playbooks.
Time to show these Fight
Attendants a few tricks of our own.
Let's run Play Number 3. Stampede.
Number 3?
Yeah. I think we only got to Number 2.
Like, one and a half.
RAZOR: You didn't learn
a goddamn thing, did you?
What's it gonna take for
you guys to pull it together?
You know what? That's it. Hold this.
Did he just take Number 3?
Come on. That's all I'm
saying. Just skate on through.
Hey, what's up, Razor? Ready to forfeit?
Forfeit my ass. Run this play.
What do I look like? An idiot?
Anyway, I've got my own plays.
Here's $20. You know
how little money I have.
You run the play. You don't
score at least three points,
you got another 20 coming
at the end of the bout.
(HORN SOUNDING)
Just run the play, Jeff.
You all right? Let's skate. Yeah.
Ladies, we've got a
change of plan. What?
Hey, don't let that traitor throw
you. Let's hit him where it hurts.
Did Razor just coach the other
team or did my peyote just kick in?
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
I don't even know what's coming on
'cause I don't know what's
coming around the corner.
Fight Attendants are
about to take on the sky.
Whoa! Holy crap, a 1 80 turn.
Kami Kaze makes her way through the
rubble to score an easy four points.
Fight Attendants, 22, Hurl Scouts, 6.
Is that Play Number 3?
Works pretty well, doesn't it?
You suck.
HOLLY: You turncoat.
Want me to give them Play Number 4 now?
No.
Okay. Take a knee.
Okay. I wanna put what
just happened behind us.
l know I've moved on. We're
gonna run Play Number 2.
Fire and Smashley, you at least
know the first half of that, right?
Yes.
Okay.
Then get out there and get you some.
Hey, Scouts. You mind finishing
your little Family Feud huddle?
Survey says you're wasting our time.
Let's go ape shit.
Yeah.
JOHNNY:Coming out of halftime
and an alternate universe,
Coach Razor puts former figure skater
Bloody Holly in the jammer position,
who launches furiously into the pack.
The team is on their game now,
pushing Bloody to the front.
And she makes it through
Bitch and Cookie Flake
grabbing a total of eight
points for the Hurl Scouts.
Come on, come on.
The Hurl Scouts are catching up
in points for the first time ever.
As this space oddity continues,
Babe Ruthless uses
her speed to fly by...
Oh! Axels of Evil knocks her down.
But she's back up. Here
they come around the turn.
A choreographed move
from the Hurl Scouts.
Has to be from Razor's playbook.
That makes the score 58-58,
a first in the history
of the Hurl Scouts.
l can't believe I'm saying this,
but the Hurl Scouts are tied.
We got a tie game here, folks.
Oh, yeah? Oh, but Smashley goes down.
Really? Bitch. What the...No.
Ooh, watch out, Tammy. No. No.
Here comes Smashley.
Get off me, you psycho.
We've got two girls
brawling on the track.
I don't know whether to break it
up or break out the video camera.
Hell hath no fury like a woman fouled.
That's not legal.
By day, these ladies are your
favorite waitresses, nurses, teachers,
but by night these girls give
the crowd what they came for.
Smashley Simpson is out of
here. We're only moments to go
and the Hurl Scouts have
managed to squeak out in front.
We're at a 70-67. Hurl Scouts.
Okay, grab her wrists,
hold on tight. Go.
Play Number 8. You ready for the whip?
Put your arm out, I'll be there.
JOHNNY: It's the final
seconds of the game.
Manson ramps Cookie Rumble,
and the Hurl Scouts attempt
a classic move in derby. Maggie.
Babe and Maggie go for the
whip, and it's effective.
Nothing gives you speed like the whip.
(EXCLAIMING)
A whip. Ruthless is flying into the pack
while her teammates are doing
a downright professional job
of clearing the way. She picks
up one, two, three, four points.
Break out the merit badges. 7 4-67.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
The Hurl Scouts have finally won one.
(HORN SOUNDING)
Fight Attendants, this
is your captain speaking.
It's gonna be a long, bumpy ride back
to Loserville. So if you have your...
ALL: ...you win the game. If you
run the plays, you win the game!
How about them Hurl Scouts?
Yeah. How about them Hurl Scouts?
How about them Hurl Scouts?
Touch, ladies. Touch.
We got to run the plays. We
run the plays, we win the game.
MAGGIE: We'll do our
homework. Every time.
There're only 10 of them.
It's not... Not rocket science.
Let's get those Holy Rollers.
BOTH: Yes.
(HIGH TIMES PLAYING)
OLIVER: (SINGING) I
put a bomb in your fire
You say
oh-oh-oh-oh
I put a bomb in your
fire You say oh-oh-oh-oh
Murray. Murray. Murray!
(SINGING) There is a way to predict
the outcome of people like you
You are a sheep in sheep's
clothing and you know, you know
I am a-coming to get
you You say oh-oh, oh-oh
There is a way to
predict the outcome of...
Please tell me you did not
shove Corbi Booth over a rail.
Actually, I did.
Corbi has a huge bruise on her leg.
I know that you're just
too bohemian to care,
but she has to cheer tonight.
And she's gonna go through
with it? What an athlete.
MRS. WEAVER: I'd like to
speak to the parents alone.
JOHNNY: She's passing one, two,
three girls. That's three points.
If you're still having trouble
following the game, folks,
don't worry, you're not the only one.
(BUZZER SOUNDS) We'll keep
track of the score for you.
You keep track of the fishnets.
This is a whole new Hurl Scouts on thIs
four-game winning streak they're on.
They ain't playing
scared, that's for sure.
(HORN SOUNDING)
Number 22 pulls it off again,
earning another merit badge.
Looks like she's on her
way to rookie of the year,
and I can't think of anyone in
recent history more deserving.
Oh! They gave her the whip.
You wanted it and they
gave it to you, folks.
You've been whipped.
(IMITATES WHIP CRAOKING)
Nothing gives you speed like the whip.
And the Scouts, they go for another one,
inching even closer to a
slot in the championship.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
(SINGING) And when you try to
resist It's like ha-ha-ha-ha
There is no way around this
tell me ho-ho-ho-holy roller
Can you feel my flame?
So my brother's been
working on some dates.
And it looks like this tour
thing is actually gonna happen.
That's really great.
Yeah, I guess.
Thirty-four days crammed into a
crappy van with four other dudes.
Like a bathroom on wheels or something.
That's a long time.
No, it's cool.
Look, you'll be doing your
thing, I'll be doing mine.
It'll go by fast, you'll see.
EARL: Hit it. Oh, yeah, baby. Yeah.
Go, go, go, baby. Yeah. I love it.
Oh, my God. Do it.
(EXCLAIMS) No, I don't wanna
know. I don't wanna know.
(ANNOUNCER CHATTERING ON TV)
Blisster? What are you doing?
I'm watching the game.
(LAUGHS)
That's what I tell the folks
at work, I'm cutting out early.
l tell your mom I'm coming home late.
Dad, I'm not gonna tell her.
Why do you feel like
you have to lie to her?
(SIGHS)
You gotta pick your
battles with your mother
because she is a fighter.
(LAUGHS)
This Blue Bonnet deal
means so much to her.
And I think it's really
nice, you going along.
But you know there's more
to life than beauty pageants.
You know that, right?
I'm aware.
All right. I'll shut up.
Can I have one?
No, you may not, but you
can have a sip of mine.
(LAUGHS) Oh! Go. He took it to him.
That was a nice...
That was a good block.
Since when do you like football?
(BURPS)
l don't. I better go.
Hey. Listen up. Just
a brief announcement,
then you get right back to your food.
The championship bout is November 1 2th.
(ALL CHEERING)
You got your flyers right there.
If the Hurl Scouts win
one more game, we're in it.
Good luck with that.
Now I'd like to yield the
floor to Miss Eva Destruction.
Love you, Eva.
Thank you.
in the grand derby tradition,
as you know, the new poster girl is
revealed by a member of another team.
Sorry, Widows.
Suck on this, girls.
(HURL SCOUTS EXCLAIMING)
ROSA: Yes.
Very cute. Very cute indeed.
One for our team, man.
There she is.
Yeah, yeah. Make the face.
Make the face. Do it.
Yeah.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(ALL CHATTERING)
SMASHLEY: Exactly.
Congratulations, Ruthless.
Hey, Smash.
What's up, Maven?
Hurl Scouts. What up?
l just wanna Congratulate
you on your new poster child.
ALL: Yeah. Thanks.
Yeah, you worked hard
for that, didn't you?
That's really kind of you.
Hey. HOLLY: Hey, hey. Hey.
You guys hang on a sec.
That's okay.
It's just a French fry. That's
okay. SMASHLEY: Maven, man.
(LAUGHS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
(EXCLAIMS)
(HURL SCOUTS LAUGHING) Yes! Yes!
Ruthless, yeah.
ROSA: Okay. I love it. HOLLY: I love it.
I like banana cream, but
I like chocolate, too.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Food fight!
BROOKE: Gorgeous. Just beautiful.
How's your speech coming?
It's good.
Okay. Turn around.
(GASPS)
What is that?
Oh, it's... I tripped at work.
Are you okay?
It's a bruise. I can handle it.
lt looks like it hurt. It's fine.
(SIGHS)
You got to be kidding me.
Oh, shit.
JOHNNY ON PA.. ThIs is
an important game, folks.
This is the last game
before the championship.
The winner today goes
on to the big game.
And Ruthless is your lead
jammer and she gets through.
And the Scouts score four points.
(BUZZER SOUNDS) The
Hurl Scouts have won.
(WHOOPS)
Listen to how high my voice
is. I need an hour of Oprah.
I'm like a woman. I need
a white wine spritzer.
(SIREN WAILS)
POLICEMAN ON MEGAPHONE.. By
order of the fire marshal,
you are hereby ordered
to evacuate the building.
JOHNNY.. Well, this game is over, folks.
The Holy Rollers are
already in the championship,
so now the Hurl Scouts
will play the Rollers
in the championship
game on November 1 2th.
Come on, man, roller
derby is not a crime.
illegally filling a warehouse
with too many people is. Wait
here. I gotta go find Oliver.
Hey, hey, you two. l
need to see your lD.
l was just leaving.
Look, you can show me your
ID, or you can go to jail.
Young lady, what was
that you just disposed of?
Seventeen, huh? Don't you think
you're kind of far from home?
That's why I was leaving.
Yeah, good idea.
Hey. Hi. Come on.
What do you say? Cherry Slurpees
to celebrate our last night?
l gotta find Pash.
(YOUR ARMS AROUND ME PLAYING)
(SINGING) I was slicing up an avocado
When you came up behind me
With your silent brand new sneakers
Your reflection I did not see
lt was the hottest day in August
We were heading for the sea
For a second my mind started drifting
You put your arms around me
You put your arms around me
You put your arms around
From your mouth speaks your lovely voice
The softest words ever spoken
What's broken can always be fixed
What's fixed will always be broken
(NO SURPRISES PLAYING)
(SINGING) A heart that's
full up like a landfill
A job that slowly kills you
Bruises that won't heal
You look so tired-unhappy
Bring down the government
They don't They don't speak for us
Where the hell have you been?
We got a phone call from Pash's
parents at about 3:00 in the morning.
That wasn't fun.
This is your SAT class?
Excuse me, what are you doing?
You can't do that. I paid for those.
Hey, you lied, kiddo, all
right? That dog ain't gonna hunt.
Okay. All right, I screwed up.
l get it, but what was I supposed to...
Was I supposed to ask for permission?
I mean, you would have just said no.
You're damn straight,
we would have said no.
What do you think
that the world thinks of those
girls with aIl their tattoos?
Do you think they have an
easy time finding a job?
Or getting a loan application?
Or going to a decent college?
l think it depends on the girl.
Or finding a husband?
No, you just limit your choices.
Seriously, you need to stop.
You really need to stop shoving
your psychotic idea of '50s
womanhood down my throat.
And pageants? I mean, what
have they ever done for you?
That's my point, Bliss.
I didn't have a mother
to navigate all my
opportunities. Jesus Christ.
I am in love with this.
l mean. don't you get it?
It won't last.
in two or three years, it'll
be over. This is a moment.
Well, how great is that?
You don't understand.
You will when you have
to support yourself.
l do support myself.
No, you don't.
You buy shoes.
You're full of shit.
You know what, actually...
Hey.
Hey, you calm down, little lady.
Why don't you go back
to your turtle shell
so you don't have to
freaking confront anything?
(SNIFFLES)
You all right?
l just don't wanna talk about it.
Pash, come on.
You told me to wait for you.
l was so busy waiting for you
that I didn't notice the cop
coming over to arrest
me for an open container.
Shit, are you okay?
No, actually, I'm not okay, all right?
On top of everything, my parents
decided to put a GPS in my car
so they can track my every goddamn move.
So what's your problem?
Hope the joyride with your
boyfriend was worth it.
Wait, wait. How is this my fault, okay?
l didn't put that drink in your hand.
You know what? I'm ecstatic
that you have this whole new life
and you have all new
friends and it's great.
But I'm trying to get out of this
armpit of a town just as much as you.
And last time I checked,
getting arrested is not
the kind of extracurricular
that Ivy League schools are looking for.
Do you really think that this roller
derby career of yours is going anywhere?
That's not what it's about.
Oh, yeah, right.
I'm sorry, Pash.
Thanks for letting me stay.
Anytime.
(RILEY GRUNTING)
That's Riley back there.
He's my little man.
So that's why you
never come out with us?
Yeah, he pretty much owns
my ass. Don't you, Rile?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Okay, first stop, sitter.
Then the Warehouse.
Ruthless, Ruthless, Ruthless.
Maven, Maven, Maven?
Hey, guess how old I am.
Twenty-seven?
Oh, that's sweet.
I'm 36.
Guess when I started skating.
I was 31 .
'Cause it took me that long to find
one thing that I was really good at.
And you know what? I
worked my ass off to get it.
Yeah, me, too.
It's too bad you're only 1 7.
What do you think the league is
gonna say when they find that out?
Or your teammates, when they
find out you've been lying?
That's gonna be rough.
Maven, please. Look...
No, you look.
One day it will be your time,
Ruthless, but it's not your time now.
And if I was you, I woulnd't even
bother lacing up those skates.
(CRYING)
Fuck.
(PHONE LINE RINGING)
It's Oliver. I'm running
with the bulls right now.
(BEEPS)
Hey, Oliver.
l just need to talk to you. I...
I'm calling you from a payphone.
Look, I've left home.
l... You know, this... I don't...
l don't wanna do this on voicemall,
so maybe you can get
me on Maggie's phone.
And then we can just... We
can talk later. Okay, bye.
(PHONE RINGING)
Oink Joint. BLISS.. Hey, B.
Hey, Bliss.
Is Pash there?
She's not here.
Yeah, okay. Bye.
If, you know, you hear a
hint of pain in my voice
when I say that I've lost my best friend
to a gang of roller skating she-males
and that the only highlight of my
night was serving corn to an old man
who can't even chew it,
then I'd say you're wrong.
I'm happy.
Okay. That was odd.
Oddly glorious.
SMASHLEY: Ruthless, what's up?
l just had something I
wanted to tell you all.
ALL: Seventeen?
What if you'd gotten hurt?
Her parents could sue
the league, you guys.
MAGGIE: I know.
We're in enough trouble with
the fire marshal as it is.
Exactly. You know
what? She can still play
as long as she gets permission
from one of her parents.
I can't.
I'm not even living at home right now.
Well, even though you can't skate
with us, and you're a big liar,
you're still a Hurl Scout.
Yeah, you could be our mascot.
(ALL LAUGHING)
SMASHLEY: Okay, go.
HOLLY: Okay, okay, okay.
You can't understand until you
have one. Everything changes.
Yeah, that's what my mom always says,
but you're not really like her, though.
Oh, I'm the cool aunt?
Yeah.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Why don't I just cut school and
hang out with you guys today?
Bliss, I know what it's like
to wanna do your own thing,
believe me, I do.
But maybe there's a way you can do it
without making your
parents feel like crap?
What? I've just been thinking.
l think maybe you're being a
little selfish with your mom.
Okay, no.
She's the one who has
been shoving her agenda
down my throat since day one.
First of all, you're lucky
to have a mom that even cares.
And just because she's
wrong about derby,
doesn't mean she's wrong
about every single thing.
And if Riley ever lies to me
the way you lied to your parents,
he wouldn't even be able to run
away 'cause I'd break his legs.
(RILEY GASPS)
I'm just kidding,
honey. That was a joke.
(ALL LAUGH)
l am here for you,
but just because you've found a new family
doesn't mean you throw the old one away.
Have a swell day at school, sweetheart.
You didn't see that, did you?
(COMPUTER KEYS CLACKING)
(HIGH TIMES PLAYING ON COMPUTER)
(SINGING) I put a bomb in
your fire You say oh-oh-oh-oh
l put a bomb in your
fire You say oh-oh-oh-oh
There is a way to predict
the outcome of people like you
You are a sheep in sheep's
clothing and you know, you know...
(SNIFFLES)
Please don't judge me right now.
Whoever he is, he doesn't deserve you.
Come here.
I feel sick.
l know you do.
l gave him everything.
No, don't say that.
No, it's true.
I did.
That's a lot to process.
She was wearing my Stryper T-shirt.
I just don't understand
how he could do that.
Your T-shirt?
It's the only cool thing you own.
That you'd know about.
(CHUCKLES)
Stryper.
Mom, this isn't...
This isn't working.
I know.
You just make me feel so guilty.
That's not what I want.
I deserve it sometimes.
Well, I know I can go
overboard sometimes.
But when the person that
you love more than anything
tells you that you suck, it...
If you want me to do the Miss
Blue Bonnet pageant, I will.
No, no, no, no. We're way past that.
No, it's not a big deal. l
mean, we already got the dress.
Don't do it for me.
Fine, I'll do it for myself.
(DOOR OPENING)
Look who's back.
Hi.
Glad you're safe.
l shouldn't have said
those things to you.
Already forgotten, kiddo.
PASH: She's trying to
look pathetic on purpose.
How long you gonna
hold onto that grudge?
Thanks.
Pash, I'm sorry. You see, I just...
Come on.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I know.
Just keep... Keep saying it.
Yeah.
Over and over again, please.
Yeah, I will. I'll keep it up.
So what happened?
God. I just feel like such...
I'm stupid. I'm just... I feel
so stupid for falling for it.
Yeah, that's why I like
a good fondling, you know?
It's so much simpler.
Well, while you were
off gallivanting, l...
l got some news.
What... What... What's...
l got into some colleges.
Wow!
My parents want me to
go to Johns Hopkins,
but I think I'm gonna go to Columbia.
l know. I'm gonna see what it's like
to live in New York for a little while.
That's amazing.
Do you still have his stupid jacket?
SHANIA.. Did he turn
into a handsome prince?
No, he stayed a Birdman.
But the worst part is,
he's actually a good kisser.
Really good.
Congratulations are in order.
Uh, no. Let's not encourage this.
l like Birdman. He's nice.
Hey, Bliss. Somebody on the
phone for you. A Maggie Mayhem?
Well, look at you.
l got a makeover.
Yes, you did.
Hello.
MAGGIE.. Ruthless,
it's the championship.
Don't even teIl me you can't make it.
I can't.
is it her mom? Let me talk
to her. I'll knock her out.
Just tell your mom it's important.
The pageant is the same day
as the game, and I can't.
Well, you have to try harder and you
have to make it work. We need you.
SMASHLEY.. Let me talk to her mom. Bye.
I'll kick her in her...
You're selling out.
(LAUGHING)
"Babe Ruthless."
JOHNNY.. ...a classic move in derby.
Babe and Maggie go for the
whip, and it's effective.
Nothing gives you speed like
a whip. Look at Ruthless fly.
Excuse me, Ladies.
I'm looking for Maggie, Maggie Mayhem.
(KIDS PLAYING)
Good pageant, y'all.
Love the dress, Amber.
EARL: We'll have to break
through. SMASHLEY: I know.
What time is it?
Your gown is custom, huh? Yeah.
It's beautiful.
Thanks.
Your dress is nice, too, Amber.
Hey. Hey.
We need to talk.
Ma'am, put down the lip gloss.
Step away from the mirror.
(ALL LAUGHING)
What are you all doing
here? Are you... Hey, man.
You're just springing this on me now?
l know the timing sucks,
but I've been thinking. You
know, I'm not so bothered
by her playing this roller derby.
In fact, I think it's kind of neat.
l went on the website, they got
Blisster's pictures all over.
And it looks like they're
having a ton of fun.
Earl, we just spent a Iot of
money on a custom-made gown,
and you want her to just up and quit?
Yeah, but her team is in
the league championships.
The game's tonight.
$800, Earl.
I can take losing the money.
l cannot take losing the
chance for our kid to be happy.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
l love her. Yeah, she looks nice.
Really sweet. BROOKE: Bliss.
BLISS: You guys gotta
hide, my mom's coming.
Bliss. Seriously. You guys have to hide.
BLISS: Hey.
BROOKE: Bliss.
Your daddy is about to come in here
and tell you that he thinks it's okay
for you to go off and play roller derby.
l don't agree. Mom.
When you told me that you weren't
doing the Miss Blue Bonnet for me,
did you mean it?
Well, good luck.
Come on, Ladies. What
are we waiting for?
SMASHLEY: Ready to play.
Okay.
Wait. One more thing.
HOLLY: Yeah. Come on, let's
go. SMASHLEY: Good luck, Amber.
Step it up.
(CROWD CHATTERING)
That's when...
Hi.
l got it.
We just got back into
town. I came straight over.
I probably still smell
like the van. But...
l went on your website and saw some
girl wearing my Stryper T-shirt.
Oh, that girl...
She just climbed into our van,
threw on your shirt. She was an idiot.
You know, I don't wanna be this girl.
What girl?
l don't wanna be the girl
that has to stand here
and hear about what didn't
happen between you and some idiot.
You don't. And this is bullshit,
anyway. I didn't cheat on you.
But you never called, okay?
Okay.
I know I should've called, but
there was no privacy in the van.
And then I got your message and...
I would've called.
My mom wants her shirt back.
That's right, I'm back.
Thanks a lot for outing
me. That was a class move.
l didn't out you. I never said a word.
I was just messing with you.
l don't wanna beat your ass with rumors.
l wanna beat your ass on
the track with my skates.
JOHNNY ON PA.. It is
happening tonight, folks.
There they are, the
coaches shaking hands,
being nice and diplomatic
right before the craziest match
that we will ever see here.
Oh, I love it, Austin.
That's right, Ladies and gentlemen,
we're talking about the
one and only Iron Maven
versus the upstart from the
heart of Texas, Babe Ruthless.
Yes.
(BLOWING WHISTLE)
Our jammers, Ruthless versus Maven
head-to-head, the
teams' two top stars.
As they approach the pack,
Ruthless seems to be having an
easier time finding an opening,
slithering through like a
proverbial snake in the grass.
There's Babe Ruthless.
Iron Maven, neck and neck.
They've been after each
other the whole time. Oh!
That's a hip check right there.
You don't see Maven taken
down like that too often.
Did you see that? Call it.
That was illegal. What
are you talking about?
It's a clean hit.
That was illegal. Just call that shit.
Calm her down.
I'll show you ruthless, Ruthless.
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
JOHNNY.. It's the second quarter, folks.
We got Babe Ruthless jamming
analogist the Rollers'' Jackie Daniels.
Finally, I made it
to the promised lands.
Okay, don't embarrass me now
that you're here, all right?
Never.
Go, Bliss. Go!
Go, Babe Ruthless!
Go!
JOHNNY.. Babe Ruthless
coming in to the pack,
but she's having trouble getting out.
That tiny pipsqueak finds a hole,
but not as fast as Jackie Daniels
breaks out of the pack,
becomes the lead jammer.
Rollers just picked up four more
points, bringing the score 24-1 1,
Rollers in the lead.
(EXCLAIMS)
Slaya takes down Smashley.
Oh, but the Mansons grab those wings
and Smashley flies after
Slaya like a bat out of hell.
You just clotheslined me, man.
(MOCK SOBBING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
JOHNNY: Princess Slaya,
feeling the force now.
That's gonna hurt tomorrow
in a galaxy far, far away.
Listen. You play smart, stay aggressive.
Don't leave any holes for them
to slip through, all right?
Bliss, this may be
time for Play Number 4.
LBJ. Knock them out.
JOHNNY: Coach Razor throws
Ruthless in the jammer's seat
as she makes her way through the pack.
Look, she gets a hand from Bloody
Holly and slingshots out front.
This could be big.
And one of the Manson sisters
sends Maven hard into the rall.
Maven can yell all she
wants, but she can't hear you.
No, seriously, she can't
hear you. She's deaf. So...
I'll tell you what. The Holy Rollers
have got to lay some hits on Ruthless
if they're gonna have
any hopes of stopping her,
otherwise she's just too quick.
All the Scouts dive-bombing
the Rollers, clearing the path.
Not one schoolgirl left standing.
But we are tied as we
go into the halftime.
Ladies and gentlemen, that
was a game-changing down.
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
(HORN SOUNDING)
ROSA: Okay, Razor, what's
next? Tell us what to do.
We're gonna run Play Number
Hey, Smashley, if the
play was called Bong Water,
would you be paying attention right now?
You know what, I'm taking you
out and putting Ruthless in.
No. My head is in the game.
Then get out there and prove me wrong.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
JOHNNY.. Slaya hip-checks
Smashley into the rail.
She's up and over and
she's crowd surfing.
And Smashley Simpson
is back on the track.
Slaya and Smashley have been
at this all season, folks.
And it looks like Smashley
is speeding towards revenge.
I hope the medic is ready
'cause it looks like Slaya's
about to get a rainbow special.
This game's about to get ugly, folks.
Wait, I don't believe this.
Smashley goes for the points
instead of the beatdown...
That is for you, Razor! ...and
picks up four for her team.
Okay, we're running Play
Number 1 0, Piece de rsistance.
Get back out there and win it.
All right.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) Let's go, you
know what to do. Get you some.
JOHNNY: The game's
still too close to call,
but the Scouts may have
some tricks up their sleeves.
Looks like they're
forming a wall. Kaboom!
The entire Rollers team is
down as Ruthless flies through.
Walt, out of nowhere, Jackie Daniels...
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(GRUNTS)
(CROWD CLAPPING)
JOHNNY.. She's okay. She's okay.
That little munchkin's a trouper.
Give it up, folks.
(ALL CHEERING)
Let's remember that
derby is a brutal sport.
We've seen our fair share of
sprained ankles and broken bones,
fishnet burns and black eyes.
(HORN SOUNDING)
It's the final jam.
Two points deciding Austin's fate.
Let me hear you, folks.
Give it up for these girls.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
It's Iron Maven versus Babe Ruthless.
Would you have it any other way?
The Mansons play Maven in the
mIddle of a patented cage move.
They're calling for the whip, and
they just might get what they want.
They got it.
Go, Maven.
Ruthless gets out first.
And now as she gets a
hand from Bloody Holly...
No, Maven sneaks out from the
inside and is heading for the lead.
But walt, the Manson sisters
line up. A double leg whip.
Ruthless is surging ahead.
She can taste the victory.
But no.
(WHISTLE BLOWING) That's it.
Iron Maven brings down the anvil.
The Holy Rollers remain undefeated
and are league champions yet again.
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
The Holy Rollers are champs.
Undefeated three years
in a row. Unbelievable.
What a game.
You gotta take your hat off to
both teams, ladies and gentlemen.
As for the Hurl Scouts,
there's always next year.
But this year it's a
three-peat for the Holy Rollers,
once again, three-time champions.
I'm sorry, Razor.
Sorry, my ass. You were great.
Still, who do they love the most?
Did you see that leg whip?
How about that jump by Ruthless?
Smashley's dive was hall of fame.
Yeah! Holy Rollers!
ROSA: We did it.
ALL: (CHANTING) We're
Number 2. We're Number 2.
We're Number 2.
We're Number 2. We're Number 2.
Ladies, just seeing
you guys run the plays,
l can't tell you how good
that makes me feel. It's...
MAGGIE: Razor, are you gonna cry?
No, I'm not gonna cry.
It's just it's such a long time coming.
I think he might cry.
Hurl Scouts on three.
ALL: One, two, three. Hurl Scouts.
Nice jump, Evel Knievel.
Thanks.
Maybe I'll teach it to you sometime.
Really?
Okay.
JOHNNY.. Listen, folks,
it's been another great year
at the Texas Roller Derby League.
I've enjoyed the ever-loving shit
out of you. I hope you have, too.
Come out next year, and
we'll do lt all over again.
And if you would, this is
a residential neighborhood,
so please don't be too
loud as you head out.
And whatever you do,
don't drink and drive.
All right, thank you, Austin.
l love you. I'm out of here.
BROOKE: This is your daughter's
playing card. Might wanna buy it.
Actually, how much are these?
lt's a piece of cardboard.
Yeah, they support the...
How much for the shirt? Earl.
I'll tell you what, kiddo, I've
seen some ballgames in my time,
but this... This was even better.
l really didn't think
you were going to come.
I'm really glad you did.
That was scary.
I...
l can't change what
you're gonna do, can l?
Probably not. I really wanna do this.
I want to move to Austin,
and I need to know that
you can accept that.
That's gonna be a hard one.
in poetry, if... It has
to be midnight 'cause...
(DOORBELL RINGING) I know. Okay.
Hi, Mrs. Cavendar.
Hi, Amber.
I just wanted to return the gown.
Thank you.
Oh, and Bliss left this at her station.
l wasn't sure if she still wanted it.
Thank you.
How did you do?
I came in second.
Good for you.
Bye. Bye-bye.
"The person I admire most
"is my mother, because she is a fighter
"who never gives up
on what she believes in
"and she never gives up on me.
"Obviously, I would be delighted
to win the Blue Bonnet pageant.
"But knowing my mother is proud of me
"means more than any crown."
(HUMMING)
Earl.
Ronny.
(LOLLIPOP REMIX PLAYING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Wait. Turn the music up.
WOMAN.. Roller derby is not a crime.
MAN.. Come on, man. Roller
derby is not a crime.
(SIREN WALLS)
(ALL CLAMORING)
(SINGING) Lollipop, lollipop...
Lollipop, lollipop...
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
Undefeated.
(HORN SOUNDING)
Ow!
(ALL LAUGHING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
How do I get out?
MAGGIE.. There we go.
Get out. I can't do it. Do it for me.
(KNOW HOW PLAYING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Female Fight Club! Okay, all right.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(BRAYING)
(LAUGHING)
I love you. Oh, I love you.
(RAPPING) Some of the busiest
rhymes ever made by man
Are going into this
mike Written by this hand
Are coming out of this
mouth Made by this tongue
I'll tell you now My name is Young
So you think that it's your
destiny to get the best of me
But I suggest to be quiet, bro
Don't even try it from
the east and west of me
Taking it and never breaking
it or even shaking it
Hey, inbreeders, you're
supposed to leave a tip.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(WHOOPS)
If Jack Black was working
here... Is it Jack White?
He's sexy. I like Jack Black.
Here you go, baby. You have
as much of that as you want.
Okay.
(LAUGHING) It's just so funny.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Hey.
Fishnets and sexy nicknames.
(RAPPING) I gotta make no
errors, mistakes or blunders
lt's like a wedding
Let no man put asunder
My name is Young MO I
like to rock mike well
'Cause when I get up on the
mike I just release my spell
And I can do it 'cause I got
know-how, You know I'm saying?
I got know-how
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Ow! Ow!
(SINGING) I found the greatest love
Of all's inside of me
(OHEERING)
(28 PLAYING)
(SINGING) Here it comes
Guess for years I have tried to calm
What's inside me but something's wrong
I don't know what to say
To give me away
The dream's the same
I'm alone on a moving train
Wake up here and I can't complain
And there's the first
mistake I tried not to make
Next time around that's a habit to break
When I turn 28
Things are all gonna be great
At 28
So don't sit so close
Can't you see that I'm already yours?
Every day I've been living indoors
Tell them I was brave
Tell yourself the same
Tell everyone that I plan to go straight
When I turn 28
Things are all gonna be great
At 28
Oh, 28
They say that I will
get used to the change
But I can't keep my eyes on the page
Shouldn't be writing
these songs at my age
The candle's lit
Waiting patient for me to sit
But none of last
year's clothes still fit
And I keep waiting for
you to enter the room
l made my wish then to give it to you
When I turn 28
Things are all gonna be great
At 28
At 28
Tell everyone that
they'll just have to wait
When I turn 29
Things are all gonna be fine
At 29
(NEVER MY LOVE PLAYING)
You ask me if there'll come a time
When I'll grow tired of you
Never my love
Never my love
You wonder if this heart of mine
Will lose its desire for you
Never my love
Never my love
What makes you think love will end
When you know that my whole life
Depends on you