1
- Thank you! Thank you!
So, 1600 a month?
- Yep, that's what it is.
- Well, I want to rent
the apartment, not the
whole block.
- It has got everything
you could possibly need.
I mean it's close to the shops,
the tube station is right down the road,
it has got some great pubs on the corner
and it's furnished.
- Yeah, I know.
- So you'll take it right?
- Uh, well.
- You're an actress, aren't you?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, I saw you in the silent
- Day.
- The Silent Day.
Yeah, you were really good.
- Okay, well I don't want to push you,
but this place is going to be rented
by the end of the day.
- Really?
- Yeah, I mean, these types
of apartments are almost
impossible to find.
I've got like 10 people coming by
to visit this place just today.
- 10?
- Yeah.
- Yeah right.
- Jonathan, hi, please
tell me I got the job.
Oh fuck.
Did they get my script?
Did they like it?
What?
Not enough drama?
My script is so much better than all
this Hollywood crap.
Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry too.
Okay, speak to you tomorrow.
Bye.
Fuck.
I'll take it.
- Morning Sandra.
- Good morning Dick,
I hope you don't mind
but we've all started working already.
- No, I don't mind.
- Oh, it's really good to see you anyway.
- Yeah, you too.
And you know I'm wishing you double
what you're wishing me.
- I can't go to hell twice, Dick.
- Yeah, but two Sandra's
wouldn't fit anyway, would they?
Morning mate.
- I just sold them an Audi Q5.
That's number 87 so far.
What?
You're not happy for your best friend?
Are you feeling depressed?
- No, I'm reading this book,
it's fascinating.
- Selling cars for dummies?
- Don't be a Dick Sandra.
It's about ancient wisdom.
- Ah.
- Oh, nice.
- Did you know that when you buy a car,
you feel happy right?
But it isn't according to this,
the car that causes the happiness.
The happiness is created by the fact that
in that moment you are free from desire.
And so for a moment life
is as good as it gets.
- Listen, happiness is the absence
of striving for happiness.
Chuang Tzu.
- Yeah.
- Mate, do you never
think about this stuff?
Like what it's all about?
Because you know what.
I was reading this last night
and do you know what I realized?
- You're having a midlife crisis?
- I realized who I was.
- Come on Dick, our meeting's starting.
- Right guys, listen up.
First of all the results so far.
Leo, 86.
- I just sold an Audi Q5.
- My correction, 87.
Philip, 79, above expectation.
Arno, 71.
And Dick, 29.
You sold just 1 car over
the last two weeks Dick.
Success is a choice.
It all depends on one question.
Are you an eagle or a Duck?
- I'm sorry?
- Are you an eagle or a Duck Dick?
I want only eagles on my team.
Ducks they just swim and waddle.
Now an eagle flies,
has a great overview
and knows precisely when to swoop
and get its prey.
- Yeah, but I'm a vegetarian.
- You have one more
month to prove yourself,
otherwise you're out.
Moving on gentlemen.
Next item.
- Hi sweet.
- Hi.
- How was the audition?
- Yeah, they seemed to like it.
I think it went well.
- Great!
Where's Anna?
- What?
I thought you were picking her up.
You knew I had an audition.
- You said
- No, no, you relax, stay here,
don't worry about it,
I'll go and get her.
- Take my car!
- Oh, thank you very much.
Anna!
- Mum!
- You cannot just walk home on your own.
- You didn't pick me up.
- I'm sorry.
Come on, come with me.
Are you alright?
- Can I have a sweetie?
- Yep.
So how was your day at school?
- We had sports day.
- What?
- You forgot to bring my sports clothes.
- I didn't know Anna.
They should have told me.
- It was in the letter I gave you.
Who's Lucile?
- What?
It's one of your father's
colleagues darling.
She must really like working with him.
- Hi dad.
- I'm sorry sweet.
I thought your mum was
coming to pick you up.
- It's okay.
- Anna, why don't you go
and watch the television?
- Alright.
- Good girl.
- Give me your phone.
- What?
- Give me your phone.
- My phone's none of your business.
- Why, is it only Lucille's business?
- We're work colleagues.
- Mum, may I have a drink?
- Yeah, in a minute Anna.
- We're work colleagues, it's nothing.
Nothing.
- How long has this been going on?
- Nothing is going on.
- Do you think I'm an idiot?
- No.
- Did you have sex with her?
- No.
- Mum.
- Yeah, in a second Anna.
- You can sleep on the couch mate.
- Anna?
You're still awake?
- Yes.
- Yeah okay.
I've got to talk to you.
Okay?
- Why are you angry with dad?
- Let's put it this way,
Mummy had baked daddy a really tasty cake
and she was waiting for him to get home
to give him the cake.
And when he finally arrived he was full up
because he had already
eaten another woman's cake.
That's why mummy has to
go on holiday for a while.
- To Spain?
- London.
But you can come and visit
me whenever you like okay?
If you want.
- Are you looking for UFO's or something?
- Oh hello.
Good morning Sandra.
You look beautiful today.
- What?
- Morning Leo.
- And he is late again.
That's a record even for you.
- Oh, it's happening.
- What?
- All this.
Isn't it wonderful?
- Are you feeling alright Dick?
- Hey Leo,
has anyone ever told you,
that you are perfect?
- What?
- You are perfect.
- Are you on drugs Dick?
- You know I love you.
- Get off, get off.
Are you crazy?
- Mr. Hanson.
I have come to tell you I am taking
the day off.
- Dick, you know that there's
a procedure for these things.
- It is far too nice out there for work.
- Mr. Hanson,
he's feeling a bit confused.
- He's reading this book
on spirituality and so
- Dick, I don't care
if in your private time
you listen to vegetarian music.
But here we work.
I suggest you focus on your targets.
- And then what?
We focus on our targets
and we make our goals and then next year
we make new goals and
then we all panic again.
Does no one else see that that
is just completely pointless?
- You are so fired.
- Oh, thank you sir.
- Get out, you imbecile.
- Do you know what your
gravestone is going
to say when you die?
It's gonna say,
here lies John, he sold a lot of cars?
Who's the imbecile now?
- Oh, that one over there.
Thanks.
- It's so nice having
you living next to me.
A close neighbor is better
than a far-away friend.
- Sure.
- So, that's so exciting that your mum's
going to be living here.
- It's just a holiday.
- Oh, I thought.
- My mum and dad are on holiday
as well at the moment.
They are on a cruise around Scandinavia.
So I have the whole apartment to myself.
- You still live with your mum and dad?
- Yep, do you know how expensive it is
to rent in London at the moment?
- No.
- Don't you have a job?
- Yes, I'm a computer programmer
in PHP, C++, javascript,
HANA technology and
mobile cloud solutions.
- This is Lisa.
- Any more to bring in?
- No, that's great.
- If you need any more help,
feel free to ask me.
- Great.
Bye.
- Bye, Anna.
- Bye.
- Martin.
- Bye, Martin.
- Bye.
- Mum, it's Martin again.
- I was thinking.
Could I take you for a drink
somewhere this week?
- I've just moved in so.
- Just to get to know
each other as neighbors?
Just one drink?
- Yes.
- Great, tomorrow?
- Perhaps a little later in the week?
Thursday?
- Perfect.
We can go to the Red Lion
at the end of the street.
- Sure.
- Say at seven PM?
- Eight.
- Perfect, great, nice.
- Okay.
Well bye.
- Yeah okay, yeah, bye then.
- Bye.
- Wow, thank you.
That is such a great farewell party.
- Well you know,
we're really gonna miss you Dick.
It's like who's going to
insult me in the morning?
- Don't worry, I'll text you.
- Oh joy.
- Can I have a cola, please?
- A glass of white wine.
- Sparkling water.
- You know what?
It's absolutely wonderful to be free.
And you know what I've realized what I am?
- A dick?
- No, listen.
Who are you?
- Leo.
- Yeah okay so you're Leo.
But let's say you change
your name to Roger.
Are you still Leo?
- Why would Leo change his name to Roger?
- Well okay, you know what?
That's beside the point.
What I'm trying to explain
is that you are not your name.
This is probably the most important
question you're ever
going to ask yourself.
Who are you?
- Cheers.
- Because I think you
think you're your body.
But you are not your body.
- My scales will beg to differ.
- Okay, but what if I
cut off both your arms
and both your legs, are you still you?
- I really don't think that's
the best way to lose weight, Dick.
- If you haven't got any arms and legs,
are you still you.
- Yes, of course you are.
- So where then is the hidden I am,
this little I.
In your body?
I know what you're want to say now.
You want to say,
actually it's in my mind.
You think there is a little Sandra
up in your mind steering the wheel.
But that, that little
I, that's an illusion.
- Whatever.
- No Sandra.
Listen, if you look for that I you're
never going to find it.
- Oh, so The I is like
a girlfriend for Leo.
- What?
- You'll never find one.
- Oh come on.
Just because I haven't had a date in
a while doesn't mean I
can't get laid anymore.
- Of course it doesn't.
It just means you have to pay for it.
- I have sex from time to time.
I just don't always
tell you guys about it.
- What a minute.
This is possibly the most
existential question ever here,
and you've just turned it to sex.
- Everything is about sex.
Life is about sex.
We're only here because
somebody has been fucking.
Well apart from Leo obviously.
- And how many have you had Sandra?
- What, today?
- No, you guys, you don't understand it.
Our brains, they are creating
this self-awareness all the time
and then you think that.
- My goal in life is
connect with the source,
to be one with infinite love.
- Thank you, Alice.
- I could do it a bit more
aggressively if you like.
- No, no, no, it was good.
- Yes, thank you Alice.
- It was great to see
you and solid audition.
What's your availability at the moment?
- You know what it's like,
I've got a lot of jobs on the go.
- Oh, we're filming in the next few days
and if you're busy then.
- No, no, no, I'm sure I can fit it in.
I can be pretty flexible.
- Good, we'll give you a call.
- Thanks, Tom.
It's good to see you.
We should catch up.
- I'll walk with you Alice.
- Bridget.
- Hi, Ismael.
- Nice seeing you.
- How are you?
- Good, come in.
- Oh, Alice.
- Hi.
- Sorry I'm late,
I had to go to an audition.
- Oh, you're an actress?
- Yeah.
- Oh shit.
Have I seen you in anything?
- You remember Elements of Spring?
- No, no, sorry.
- Well, next week I might be winning
the award for best actress
in the The Silent Day.
- Nothing To Be Lost?
- The one with the bear.
- Vampires.
- Vampires, bear.
- Do you ever go to the cinema?
- I am terrible with names.
- No One Left?
- The Western?
- No it's the crime drama with Rick Alan.
You've been living in a hole.
These aren't B movies.
- Would you like a drink?
- Yeah, please.
A white wine.
- A white wine.
- Do I know you from somewhere?
- Well
- I totally remember.
You used to work in a shoe shop
in Oxford Street?
- Yeah, that was a long time ago
when I was a student.
- You sold me a great pair of loafers.
- I have loafers.
- So my neighbor's a famous actress.
Do you have time to date with your career?
- Well, it's hard.
Most people just want to date me
because I'm in TV and filming.
- Oh, sorry.
It's my agent.
Hi Jonathan.
Yeah, I thought I'd be hearing from you.
Yeah.
What?
With Walter Blackmore?
Yeah.
What?
Tomorrow?
Why so soon?
No, no, no, it's not a problem.
Not a problem.
Alright.
Brilliant.
Get them to bike the script over for me.
Super.
Good to hear from you.
Thanks Jonathan, bye!
This is amazing.
I could be working with Walter Blackmore.
You know who he is right?
- Yep.
Do you get recognized much?
- Well, literally yesterday this guy
stopped me on the street.
He said, hey you're Alice Richardson,
can I have your number?
And I said, Darling, to me you
are just a number.
Do you get it?
- Yeah.
- And then he said, can
I give you my number?
I said, what for, just
in case I need a plumber?
- Oh, he was a plumber.
- No, silly.
- I'm gonna watch all your movies, Alice.
- All of them?
- Yep.
- You're so sweet.
- I'm gonna be your biggest fan.
You're wonderful Alice.
You're beautiful,
so funny and talented.
I really enjoy this.
- I'm just going to powder my nose.
- Cut.
We're gonna go again.
- Tom, I just wanted to say
I am so excited to be here.
And I think you have done
a really great job putting me with Walter.
- It's good to have you here.
Michelle Jones was going
to play the part,
but we found out she was pregnant
at the last minute.
- Oh.
- Yeah, so we are really
happy you were free.
Can you jump in first again?
First positions.
Sound, camera, and action.
- May I sit here?
- Yes.
- Hi, I'm Dick.
- Nina.
- Do you come here often?
- No.
- Me neither so we've
got a lot in common then.
- Welcome everyone.
Today I am going to talk
about identification.
All suffering comes from identification.
I was just reading in the newspaper that
the Chelsea hooligans rioted
after Chelsea lost the cup final.
So you can see that if you identify with
your team and they lose,
you will feel the pain.
- Yeah, but Chelsea fans are cowards.
- But I was just talking about
identification in general.
- Then why'd you bring up Chelsea?
- Because I just read it in the paper,
and it seemed like a good example.
Okay, which club do you support?
- West Ham.
- You're used to losing a lot then.
- What?
- Okay, you don't need
to take it personally.
- This is personal.
- Hey, just relax.
- Hey, we're talking
about enlightenment here.
- We're all just one, aren't we?
It's just all about finding
out who you really are.
You see, it's so simple.
If I just cut of both your arms
and both your legs.
- It's like, when you were hit,
I could feel it.
Although, no one was hit.
Because there is no I.
- Yeah, not anymore.
Would you like a coffee?
- Cut.
- Tom.
- I need a bit more sexual attraction,
none of this wet fish stuff.
- He is a wet fish, read the script.
Who writes this stuff anyway?
Okay, watch and learn,
this is a pick up line.
- Are you from heaven?
Because every time I look in those
eyes all I see is an angel.
- Yeah that's because you are a sleazebag.
- Tommy, I am taking a break.
Can I make you a coffee?
- Yes please.
- Americano, latte, cappuccino, espresso?
- Espresso please.
- Espresso okay.
- Look, I have been a fan
of yours for many years.
- Single or double espresso?
- Single.
I watched all the episodes
of Don't be a Dick.
It really is an honor to be part of it.
- Well, we had to make
some changes, didn't we?
We got ourselves a very nice new hot lady
and then they added the
spiritual stuff as well.
- Yeah, I love it.
- And now it's all we
have lost God and hope,
what's the meaning of life?
It's all a crock of bullshit
as far as I'm concerned.
But you know, you go with what works in
the moment until the next fad.
- Yeah, right.
- Nina.
- Alice.
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
- So, you've got any
more projects coming up?
- I just wrapped on Red Rocks,
so for a nice change I get to concentrate
on Don't be a Dick.
- Red Rocks, that was with,
oh God what was her name?
- Lucy Anderson.
- I read in the tabloids that she
is putting her acting career on hold.
- Yeah, little Lucy.
She says it's because she wants
to become a mother.
But basically unfortunately
it's that lame excuse.
She is basically just too old.
Let me give you some advice.
You need to look at your career
like a soccer player does.
You've got till maybe
somewhere in your thirties,
the odd one or two will
make it until they're forty.
And then they go into teaching
or production or something.
Listen, that is a hard truth I know.
But I'm the good guy here,
I tell it how it is instead
of pretending it doesn't happen right.
It is more graceful to go out
on your own terms then
it is to get kicked off.
How old are you anyway?
- 29.
- Well baby we better get moving.
Excuse me, can we get a couple
more drinks here mate.
Listen if you've got the chops.
Maybe we could do a feature together.
- Oh, now that I really like the sound of.
- I thought you might.
- So, hello.
- Martin.
Martin I am right in the middle
of a conversation.
- I'm Alice's boyfriend.
- Boyfriend.
- Martin, you are not my boyfriend.
- Oh, so our kiss meant nothing?
- This is Walter Blackmore.
- Why are you doing this to me Alice?
- Okay, you know what sweetheart,
you need to sort your shit out
with your boyfriend first.
- No, no, no.
Just wait.
Walter, honestly I can explain it to you.
- Oh for fucks sake.
- I thought we had something special.
- Have you been following me?
- So, I'm not allowed to
have a drink in this pub?
- Oh my God.
Leave me alone.
- Do you like cake daddy?
- Yes I do.
- Mum says you ate another woman's cake.
- What?
- She said you ate another woman's cake
- Another woman's cake?
- Yeah, she said that's why she left.
- Well that's not exactly true.
I didn't eat another woman's cake.
- I eat cake at Jennie's house
and mum doesn't mind that.
- It's just that when you're married
you are not allowed to
eat other people's cake.
- You can only eat mum's cake?
- Yeah.
- And she can only eat your cake?
- Yeah.
- I think you two are
very bad at marriage then
because I've seen you both
eat other people's cake.
- Really?
- We have it at grandma's,
when we're in Spain, and at birthdays.
- Yes.
But that's allowed.
- Basically, mum can't
have cake from another man
and I can't eat cake from another woman.
So we can eat it as long
as it's not directly from
the opposite sex
or family or friends.
Family, friends, restaurants
and parties are okay.
- And you ate another woman's cake?
- I didn't eat it,
I just looked at it.
- You just looked at it?
- I looked at it when I was meant
to be eating your mum's.
- Mummy.
- Hello sweetie,
come on in.
- How are you?
- Yeah, I'm alright.
I've got a job on Don't be a Dick.
- Don't be a Dick?
Wow, great.
Can I come in, talk
about your custody papers
and your divorce?
- Just tell me.
What do you want to say?
- I can't believe this divorce.
Divorce because I flirt with a colleague.
- And the rest Mark.
- There is no rest.
I kissed her once and that's it.
- We hadn't had sex in months.
You could walk into a room
and I'd be naked and you
wouldn't even notice.
A woman knows.
- You are here in London while
I'm with her every night.
- Yeah blame me.
- You want it like this?
Do you like this?
Is this the way you want it?
You want me to file for full divorce,
full custody and the house?
Is that what you want?
Because I've spoken to a lawyer
and they've assured me I will win.
- And your true colors shine through.
- I still love you Alice.
- I'm not doing this.
- I love Don't be a Dick.
I've seen all of the episodes.
- Really?
- Yeah, you write for it don't you?
- Yeah.
- Did you write for all seven seasons?
- Yeah.
- Cool.
I write.
- Oh, really?
Anything I might know?
- I'm focusing more on
the writing at the moment.
I haven't really sent anything out.
- Oh, okay.
- The writing on this is incredible.
I mean those jokes that Dick tells
about your weight are always hilarious.
Not that you are
overweight really, I mean.
Maybe a little above average.
But it's not like you need lifting
out of the house by a
crane or anything is it?
- Oh Walter, I'm sorry about
what happened yesterday.
It's my creepy neighbor Martin.
- You make out with all
your creepy neighbors?
- It was just a kiss
on the cheek good bye.
He is a total freak.
- Okay next scene guys.
- Wow, it looks amazing.
- You wait till you see the inside.
- Hello?
Alice?
Hi Anna.
- Hello there, sign here please.
- Sign?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Good luck in court mate.
- You know what?
I want to do a feature with you.
My dad's got one that's come up.
The production company wants me
to star in it, of course.
But he actually thinks you'd be
a perfect leading lady.
And you should join the Blackmore Agency.
- I'm with Jonathan.
- My dad gets approached double, triple
what Jonathan does by
casting directors, producers.
- I've been with him since the beginning.
- He knows everybody who is anybody.
- All right, I'll think about it.
- Oh my god, look at your body.
Look at it, it's amazing.
- That is enough Walter.
- Oh my God that's beautiful.
- Stop it.
- Do you want a drink?
- Yes, a coffee please.
- A coffee, sure.
- Actually, make that a shot.
- A shot?
- Tequila, vodka, whatever you got.
- It's not even 11 AM.
- Where am I?
An AA meeting?
I have an impossible decision to make.
- Between vodka and tequila?
- I have a meeting in half
an hour about changing agents.
- Why don't you just flip a coin?
- Flip a coin?
- Flip a coin.
- Is that how you ended up running
a pub instead of a pizzeria?
- Absolutely.
That's how I ended up serving alcohol
to desperate people like you at 11 AM.
Heads or tails?
- I'm not flipping a coin
to make this decision.
- Heads is your current agency.
Tail is the new agency.
Tell me their names?
- I'm with Jonathan Howard associates.
The other is Blackmore agency.
- Okay, head is Howard, tail is Blackmore.
- Which side of the coin
do you hope it's gonna be?
I know you have a preference.
It's not the coin,
it's your heart that gave you the answer.
- Alice, Walter's told me that you want
to invest in our agency.
- Invest?
I heard that you were
looking to represent me
and that there might be a
movie that I'd be right for.
- Of course, that's a given.
But let's talk about the investment.
How much can you invest?
- Invest?
No I was just interested
in changing agents.
- You don't have any savings?
- Well, of course I do.
- We can offer six percent of the stock.
Our expected interest on investment
is over 17% on a yearly basis.
- 17% that's really good.
But what about my role in the new movie.
- Think bigger Alice.
As an investor in our
agency we will ensure
that you get first choice
of auditions leading you
to all the main roles.
So six percent is 54,000.
Is that a problem?
- Well, that's nearly all my savings.
- You don't believe in your own talent?
- Of course I do.
I'm nominated.
I'm going to have to
speak to Jonathan first.
- Oh come on Alice.
Jonathan has never
allowed you the confidence
that your talent deserves.
This should be an absolute yes.
I believe in myself,
I believe in my success.
But most importantly,
I believe in you Alice.
Blackmore agencies will get you there.
I will get you there.
- Sorry.
- No, now is not the right time Martin.
I'm going to the movie awards
and I need to leave in 20 minutes.
- Can you please accept these flowers?
- Just to be clear.
There is nothing between us okay?
Let's just say hi as neighbors, that's it.
- Hi.
- Not now.
- Are you joking?
- Hi mummy!
- Hi sweetie!
- Wow Alice, you look gorgeous, gorgeous.
Killer dress for the awards.
Nervous?
- Yeah, yeah, a little bit.
- Come on in sweetie,
go to your room.
- Please tell the babysitter she
has been a little bit ill this week.
A bit of a tummy problem.
- Yes I will tell her.
- The doctor is saying
divorce causes stress.
- Okay.
- Monday at seven.
- Yeah.
- By the way, good luck tonight.
- Thanks, Mark.
- Shit.
Martin.
- Alice.
- Thank you for the flowers.
I really love them.
And I am sorry for all the horrible things
I've said to you.
I really like you.
But just as a friend, okay.
- Yeah, just as a friend.
- We're neighbors and it's always nice
to be friends with neighbors.
- Yeah.
- And as neighbors we help
each other out, right?
- Yeah.
- Oh, you're so sweet.
As you know, I'm going to
an awards ceremony tonight.
I'm up for best actress.
It's massive.
And I really need to be there.
- You want me to come?
- No.
- I've actually got a little black jacket.
I bought it for my nan's funeral.
- Martin, Martin,
could you look after Anna for me tonight?
- Yeah, of course, it would be an honor.
- Thank you.
You are really helping me out.
You can watch TV,
fall asleep on my couch
until I get back okay?
- Okay, yeah, I'll do that.
- Thank you Martin.
- I almost lost you.
I'm so glad we have
found each other again.
I need you in my life.
- You know I'm nominated
for best actress right?
- Yes.
- Well, tonight they are
announcing who is winning
the award and they really
want me to be there.
So I want you to be a big girl.
You can stay up and watch
cartoons until eight o clock,
but then you have to put
yourself to bed okay?
- 8:30?
- No answering the door okay?
Promise?
- Alice, Walter, what an
exciting evening for us all.
One nomination for you and two for Walter.
- I'm so proud of my Dick.
But his name is Walter.
- Cally.
- How are you feeling?
- A little bit nervous.
- You'll be fine.
- I don't understand why you're
not nominated you know.
You are such a good actress.
- Well thank you.
- So there is a guy with
a dog in a pub right,
watching footie on the TV.
Aston Villa getting beating three nil
and when the final whistle goes,
the dog lies on his back
with his feet up in the air playing dead.
The bartender goes,
what does he do when they win?
The guy goes, I have no idea,
I've only had the dog for eight months.
- Walter says I need to treat my career
more like a football player.
- Oh, what like earn money
without using your brains?
Cheers.
- Well he says you have your career
until somewhere in your thirties
and then go into coaching or training.
- So I'm not interrupting any conversation
of any value whatsoever I assume?
- Well actually I was
just telling Cally about
the comparison you made between
footballers and actresses.
- Yes, that's true.
Men are rather more like fine wine,
they get better with age.
Whereas women are rather more
like milk aren't they?
- You're right about men being like wine.
Too much of their crap
will give you a headache.
- Do not let Walter put you down.
- Oh no, I know Walter pretty well.
- Last year they asked me
to announce best actress
and this year they've asked me again.
I guess they know I'm good with women.
- Sarah Lin won last year
and ever since we have
seen her everywhere.
Literally.
You know the nude pictures
that were leaked online?
And the award for best actress,
is it Katherine Height?
No, no, sit down.
The award for best actress
goes to Alice Richardson.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You are magnificent.
I want to thank my fabulous directors
Ismael Lotz and Tom Deville
for seeing all of my talent.
Oh and my boyfriend Walter Blackmore,
thank you darling.
Thank you so much, thank you.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Oh, it's good to see you.
- If they would give an award
for the hottest actress,
I wouldn't just give you one,
I'd give you two.
- It's a curse being beautiful.
- Yes I understand.
Look, if there is any way I can help
you through these tough times,
why don't you let me know?
- Thank you.
Please make me your next charity project.
- Bridget.
You might be able to help me actually.
Cause you're too good to be true.
I can't take my eyes off you.
- Walter, darling, the
limousine is waiting.
- What an incredible night.
I'm sorry you didn't win too.
- I already have eleven
of those ugly statues.
- Yeah, I know.
Walter, you know those photos
of me you have by the pool.
Can you delete those please?
It's not that I don't
trust you or anything,
I just don't want them to end up
on the internet you know.
I don't want to be the next
naked award winning actress.
- They're off my phone.
- Thank you.
- Safe on my laptop.
- Don't be funny Walter,
delete them please.
- Don't be such a prude.
It kind of turns me on
to think that people could see you naked.
- Hey I trusted you with those pictures.
- You invite me in?
- No, my daughter is upstairs,
I don't think it's a good idea tonight.
- You have a daughter?
- Yes.
- When were you going
to tell me about that?
- Well I'm not exactly hiding it from you.
- You know what, fucking get out!
- What?
- Get the fuck out of the car!
- Hang on, you're not getting laid
so I have to get out?
- Yes, you know what.
This ride has become
complete waste of fuel.
- Fuck you Walter.
Anna? Anna? Anna?
- So, did you win?
- Martin, Anna is gone.
- I was watching a movie till late
and someone randomly knocked on the door.
- Where is she?
- I opened the door and there
was this little girl crying.
- Tell me where she is.
What have you done with her you freak.
- She's with her dad.
- What?
- She's with her dad.
She had a headache, she
felt nauseous, and fever
and so I took her to see her father.
- Oh fuck.
- I really think you need
a bit more responsibility Alice.
You can't leave your child home alone.
- Shut up.
- No you shut up.
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
- Where's Anna?
- Hi mum.
- Sweetheart.
- I was feeling sick mummy.
- I know baby, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
- Anna, mum and dad
will be right back okay.
- Have you gone insane?
You're leaving a seven year old
girl home alone all night?
You know what I think.
I think you wanted out.
You're using all this
because you can't admit to yourself
that you don't want Anna
and you don't want me.
- I'd better go.
- By the way,
leaving Anna home alone will damage you
in a custody hearing.
Even for an awards evening.
- I won.
- No, tonight you lost.
- So what do you think?
- I don't know Dick,
I think it's a bit weird.
For the first time in my life
I'm doing something meaningful.
I am helping people.
Well, actually I am helping raise
the levels of consciousness in humanity.
- In an orange dress?
- I'm a spiritual teacher now Leo.
This is what we wear.
- Why?
- What do you mean why?
There is no why.
We are showing people the light.
Here, we help them connect
with their true selves.
Exploring your true nature.
Okay whatever.
Now, I do need some help though
tomorrow night with the talk.
Would you sit on door
and collect the money?
- Yeah.
- See?
Sri Dickji.
It works I think.
- It doesn't even rhyme.
Dick, it's time!
- How many people are there?
- Just six.
- It's not about quantity Leo.
- I don't mind, I don't have to pay
the rent for the room.
- Namaste.
Welcome to this meeting in truth.
My name is Sri Dickji.
Today we're going to talk
about self-realization.
Many people suffer because
they believe themselves
to be a separate person.
But this is an illusion.
- Why?
- Because you are simply happening,
but our brains, your brain,
creates this self-awareness so you view
yourself, we all do, as an I.
- And so?
- There is no I.
- But I chose to come to this meeting.
- Ah, that's just a story
you're telling yourself.
- And that's the story
you're telling yourself.
- And Sandra, you may not
ask any more questions.
- Why not?
- Because you do not understand.
- Well maybe you are not
telling it very well.
- If you are identified
with your body and your thoughts,
then you don't see the
whole overview, do you?
So it just begs that question,
are you a duck or are you a bird?
- Eagle.
- Are you an eagle or are you a bird?
- Duck.
Eagle or a Duck, Dick.
- Are you an eagle or are you a duck?
Because an eagle flies high
and has a great overview,
whereas a duck just waddles
and flies to and then swims.
- So are there any more questions?
- Yes, Sandra?
- Did you just ask me if
I am an eagle or a Duck?
- And cut.
Have lunch everybody, take a break.
Thank you.
- Well done Sri Dickji.
- Thank you.
Do you know that some gurus they
use their status to get sex.
- Really?
- Think you'd fall for that?
- I'd see straight through it.
But you are more than welcome
to come back to my apartment
for some philosophical
discussion and herbal tea.
- I'm sure Sri Dickji would be honored,
but he might prefer a whiskey.
- Thank you my sweet servant.
I can't stay too late.
- Oh.
- I've got one of those boring investor
parties to go to with my dad.
- But I thought you had
something to make up to me?
- Well it's not that I like
going to those parties.
- I'm trying so hard
to have a nice evening.
All I want is for you
to spend the night with me.
You know how much I
love making love to you.
Please?
Send your dad a message.
- Alice?
- You're a computer programmer right?
- Yeah, in PHP, C++, Javascript.
- I just need you to get into this laptop.
I need the password.
- That would take me at least an hour.
- Do it.
- I'm not going to hack someone's
laptop without knowing why.
- I don't have time to explain.
You know Walter Blackmore, the actor.
Well this is his laptop.
I need the password.
Please Martin, you're
the only man I can trust.
- Okay, I'll bring it back in the morning.
- No, do it now.
I'll come back and pick it up in an hour.
- It's the middle of the night.
- Please Martin, I'd be really grateful.
Please?
- Okay, consider it done.
- Alice, Alice.
- Martin.
- What the fuck?
- No, no, it's all right,
it's my neighbor.
I'll sort this out,
it's fine.
- You're sleeping with him.
- Go outside.
- Next time you have an
epileptic seizure Martin,
call a doctor.
- Epileptic seizure?
- You can't keep running to me.
- Martin has epilepsy and he fits
- You know, that's enough.
That's twice with this flipping dork here.
You, you've got issues.
I'm going home.
- Oh fuck.
Go home Martin.
- It's the password.
Thank you Martin.
You're welcome Alice.
- Martin get out of here.
- So, you finally won an award?
- Finally?
- Yeah, I mean.
For how long have you
been in the industry?
- Quite a long time.
Hey, never too late to win an award.
- Alice.
- Ismael, hi.
How are you?
- Good, good.
How are you?
- Very well.
Good to see you.
- Good seeing you.
- I think life is total craziness.
It's like everything we perceive,
none of it's real.
How can we know what's true.
We can't.
You think you've woken up.
I think you're in a deep sleep.
- Great, thanks Alice.
- Yes thank you.
- I did mention to your agent
that we're looking for
someone mid-twenties.
Five years ago you would have
been perfect for this role.
But now you're just a
little bit more mature.
Don't take offense Alice,
I'm just trying to give you some advice.
- I'm not taking offense.
This audition is for a supporting role
and I only audition for leads.
So, I was giving you a chance.
- Giving me a chance?
- Yes Tom, goodbye.
- Hi, you've reached Walter,
leave a message.
- Hi Walter, it's me.
We need to talk.
I'm sorry about what happened yesterday.
My neighbor Martin's
parents are away on a cruise
and they asked me to keep an eye on him.
I must be too giving.
Also, your father sent me on an audition
and I got rejected.
So, I'm not sure what happened there,
but I really wanted that role.
Give me a call when you get
the message Walter.
I've been trying to get you all afternoon.
Okay, bye.
- Hi Alice.
- Could I speak to Walter please?
- Sure.
Walter?
- Hey Alice.
- Who's that?
- This is Bridget,
newest member of the Blackmore Agency.
- What?
- You have a problem with that?
- Yes, I don't want my
competitors at my own agency.
- You know what,
it's not really your agency is it.
Since you only own six percent.
- Could I speak to Walter alone?
- Sure.
So that's it?
It's over between us?
- What exactly did we have?
- Is this because of what happened
last night with Martin?
- You need to get over yourself,
because as if I care.
- You just move right on to the next one.
- Yeah.
- You realize she is half your age,
she's just using you to
get into the business.
- And?
- Disgusting.
- Women they use sex to get power
and men they use power to get sex.
That's how the game works.
- Well maybe I don't like that game.
- Hey Alice,
good luck with your tiny little career.
- I want to say I'm sorry.
I was wrong and what I did was ignorant.
I think what tends to happen is that we
just see things from our own perspective.
But you know what,
now that I can see clearly
I just really hope that
you can accept my apology.
- That is so beautiful.
Thank you.
- Cut.
Well done.
- You know what, just do the work.
- Alice, can I have a quick word
with you please?
Yeah so, there's no easy way to put this.
But, it's not working out with your role
and we have to let you go.
- Anything else?
- I'm so sorry Alice.
- You save me the faked empathy.
- But Alice.
- So that's it, you just kick me out?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- You made big promises to me
and none of them came true.
- Alice, take a seat.
- You found a younger model
and you just push me aside?
- Alice sit down.
- Walter's laptop has been
missing since yesterday.
I was wondering whether
maybe you knew where it is?
- How the hell would I know?
- Perhaps this will refresh your memory.
- Can you tell me where it is?
- I threw it in a lake.
- I see.
As I'm sure you can understand,
we will have to report this to the police.
- No, John.
Please, you can't do that.
If I have a criminal record,
I could lose the custody of my child.
Please Walter?
I will buy you a new laptop.
I will do whatever it takes.
Please let me make it up to you.
- All right.
I'll make you a deal.
If you don't want us to report this,
you give us back the six percent stock
and we pay you zip.
Otherwise you can take the consequences.
If you agree, you can sign here.
Oh and by the way,
you're fired from Blackmore Agencies.
- Hi Mark.
- Alice, it would have been a sign
of respect to show up in court.
- What?
What do you mean?
- You don't care about the custody
of our own daughter?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- You're a liar.
Bullshit.
You got a registered letter.
- Mark, please I didn't receive anything.
- Well, you can see our
child one weekend a month.
You just think she's bothering you anyway.
So well done Alice.
Good mothering.
You failed.
- So, you had a good weekend?
Good.
- Why do you never visit me?
- Oh sweetheart, it's complicated.
- It's not.
You have a car so you
can just drive to me.
When I have an argument with a friend,
you always tell me to talk and make up.
Why don't you?
- Okay, I'm sorry.
I promise I'm gonna come
and see you more often.
- Daddy.
- Bye Alice.
- Somehow I have the feeling that you
are not doing so well.
- You're a bartender Paolo,
not a psychologist.
- Here, this one is on the house okay.
Maybe it will help you to get away
from your misery
and feel a little better.
Thank you Paolo.
- Could you lend me some money?
- Listen, I can give you free drinks.
I can even put a mall on the tap.
But lending you money, come on.
I'm a bartender, not a charity foundation.
- I'm a month late on my rent.
The landlord wants to kick me out.
- I have an idea.
- You got to be joking.
- That's what we're going to do.
I'll lend you the money now
and you start tomorrow at 10.
- Oh Paolo.
- Okay, let's make it 12 okay?
- Are you going to make the decision
or shall we flip a coin?
- Good morning.
- Oh, Paolo no, I can't.
- Listen, go take a shower,
put on this outfit
and then we walk together.
- I'm not gonna be a waitress.
- You're going to act like one then.
- Please Paolo!
- Please?
Shower.
Chop Chop.
- You writing a screenplay?
- I am just writing down my dramas.
- I think it's good to write down things,
takes them out of your head.
- Now it's officially down on paper
how much I screwed up my life.
- Oh come on Alice, don't be so negative.
There are a lot of
positive things going on.
You are young, you are
beautiful, you are healthy.
And besides there is
this amazing bartender
who just gave you a job so you can get
your life back on track.
- It's a drama Paulo,
not a science fiction.
Tell me something.
Why are you helping me?
- Because a long time ago you
sold me some great loafers.
- Seriously.
- Well you know.
You've been in the movies,
you've been on television
and I thought maybe I
can enter the industry.
- Hey Alice.
- Hi.
- Oh oh, somebody is in a foul mood today.
- I haven't had enough
coffee yet for you Paolo.
- You didn't sleep well?
- I was working on my script.
- Did you find out Who is Alice?
- Alice is very tired and moody,
so don't be too witty.
- Listen, I just wanted
to tell you something.
It's been nice to have you around
in these couple of months.
Really.
After 12 O'clock you almost become
a decent human being.
Seriously.
I want to ask you if you want
to work for me full time.
It would be an honor to have
you around all the time.
- Okay, do you Paolo Benazzo,
take your lawful employee
Alice Richardson,
do you covenant to love
her, to cherish her,
and to give her a raise of 10 percent.
- 10 percent?
I give you five.
- Oh, you want to toss a coin?
- Okay that's good, you
mess with my accent.
That's actually good for business.
Seven, I'll give you seven.
- I would have settled for five sucker.
- What can I get you?
- Alice?
- Cally?
- Oh my goodness, what a surprise.
How are you?
- Good, you?
- I am good, thanks!
- Oh sorry, this is Alice Richardson.
- Linda, hi.
- So, how's life?
- I ruined my finances,
I ruined my career,
I ruined my marriage,
and now I only see my
child one weekend a month
and I help out desperate
bartenders at 11 AM.
- Do you want a coffee?
- I hadn't realized the
security camera recorded
the whole thing.
So that's why they dropped me
from Blackmore Agency.
- Wow.
- So, what happened to
your psycho neighbor.
- Martin.
Oh, his parents came
back from their cruise
and moved to Scotland.
So he had to find his own place to live.
At least I haven't' got
somebody watching me 24/7.
- What a shame.
- I am writing a script.
I haven't finished it yet.
But would you read it for me?
- Yes sure, I'd love too.
- Great.
I will get you another
coffee on the house.
- Hi Alice.
- Martin.
- I am just collecting
the mail for my parents.
The new owners keep it for us,
and I pick it up.
So how are you?
- Yeah, good.
- Me too.
I'm not having as many
epileptic fits anymore.
- So how is Anna?
- She's good.
She's coming to stay at the weekend.
- Oh, well say hello from me.
- I will.
Bye Martin.
- I miss you Alice.
You really hurt me.
- Martin, I was never looking
for a relationship with you.
You're a really nice guy,
I just wasn't looking for romance.
- You are so special to me.
To Walter you are just a number.
- Martin just let it be.
- In fact, you were number 52.
- What do you mean 52?
- He recorded all his girlfriends.
- Recorded?
Like what?
- Like when you press record
and you record something.
For example, in the bedroom.
Sex tapes Alice.
- He recorded all of his girlfriends?
- Yep, 52 women!
Well, 51, one turned out to be a guy.
He didn't realize, but he found out.
- And how do you know this?
- I made a copy of his harddrive.
- And where is that copy?
- At my place.
- Oh Martin, you are my savior.
Did you see any pictures of me?
- I didn't look at them.
I'm not keen on swimming pools anyway.
- Martin, what I want
you to do is to go home,
get the tape and very
carefully bring it to me.
Okay?
- Okay, so, it's a date.
- Just go and get it.
Go on then.
- John, Walter.
I know we haven't seen
each other for a while,
but I thought it would be nice
to have a little chat.
The last time I was here you asked me
to return my six percent stocks.
And you gave me absolutely
nothing in return.
Now I'm here to kindly
ask you to give them back.
- And what makes you
think we would do that?
- 52 sex tapes recorded in secret
by Walter of 52 different women.
Oh, no sorry, 51.
One of them turned out to be a he.
- So what?
- Now seeing as I have
absolutely no interest
in owning a share in your company
I will settle for the
return of my 54,000.
Do we have a deal?
- Do it dad.
- You get your money.
You utter moron.
- Hey, someone once said,
men use power to get sex
and women use sex to get power.
Funny, isn't it?
It really works.
- So John, still proud of your Dick?
- Just get out of here.
- Hi Bridget.
- Hi.
- How are things?
- Good, a lot of work.
Mostly features.
- Wow, nice.
- And I've been nominated twice.
For Distant places?
Have you seen it?
- No, sorry.
- It's with Gerard Mans.
We're dating.
I didn't see you on
the list of nominees this year.
- No, I've had a little change of career.
- So what do you do?
- I'm a waitress in the Red Lion.
- Wow, I see you're really
planning your career.
- Oh yeah, I'm planning it.
I'm just planning it downhill.
- Have you heard of John Lennon?
- Is he an actor?
- No, he was in a band.
And he once said life is what
happens when you're
busy making other plans.
- Okay, and I suppose he thought
that philosophy would make him a career?
- I think he was pointing at
the idea that whatever happens
in life really is all out of our hands.
- Especially if you end up as a waitress.
- Let's just leave it.
- It's good to see you too.
Cally?
- Hi Alice, have a seat.
- What exactly am I auditioning for?
I'm sorry I didn't get a script.
- We want to talk about your script.
- My script?
- Yes, Who is Alice.
We love it.
It's powerful, dynamic,
and the narrative is fantastic.
It's really written well.
- Thank you.
But I still haven't finished the ending.
- No, I love the ending.
- How exactly does it end?
- After you thank the director
for offering you the role
to play Alice,
you go home singing out loud.
- Mark?
- Hi Alice.
- What brings you here?
- After the verdict,
they congratulated me on winning.
But to be honest, I feel I lost.
- What?
You got the house, you've got Anna.
You want more?
- Yeah, I want you.
- That is so cheesy.
- What?
- That is such a cheesy ending.
I would never write that.
- I think it's good that you
and Mark get back together in the end.
- You think I'd go back to him just
because he says I want you?
No, he should at least
go down on one knee.
- Alice, you mean the world to me.
I've never met a more beautiful,
talented, spontaneous,
humorous, intelligent, sexy lady than you.
You know you're really amazing,
and besides the fact that you're an
award winning actress,
you know you could be
and should be a supermodel.
- Sorry, don't you think that is
a bit over the top?
- Just kidding.
- Kidding about what?
- Oh, I was just explaining to Tom
and Cally that an ending
like this would never happen.
It's so cheesy.
I mean, think about it.
Throughout the film we have argued,
we filed lawsuits,
for the last part of the movie
we hardly saw each other
and now you've come back
to make up to me so we
can have a happy ending.
It makes no sense!
- People love happy endings.
- I know that everybody loves
the clich Hollywood stuff,
but real life doesn't work like that.
And in a movie a character has
to go through a change.
- You did go through a change.
You had your ego crushed,
you became more humble, more open.
Bust most importantly,
it all happened in your imagination.
- This feels so good Nina.
- I love you, I don't
want to move to London.
I want to be here with you and Anna.
I love you.
- I love you.
- I need to go see Anna.
- This is pure love.
It's so beautiful that
they connected again.
Because that is our true nature.
Love.
- Do you think Martin put
those naked picture online?
- It's a movie Leo, there
are no naked pictures.
- Hey, you sleeping?
- Oh, is it over?
Did I miss it?
Did she win the award?
- She won the award and
they got back together.
- Who did?
- Oh hello mate,
Alice and Mark.
- What?
She left him and then in
the end they get back together again.
What is the whole point of this film?
- It's about waking up
from this dream that we live in.
What we create in our thoughts,
that's not reality.
- No, that's not the message.
What they showed is that you have
to look out for women,
because they use sex to get power.
- Well, then they never try that on you,
do they Leo?
- Don't you get that message?
- You should never eat
another woman's cake?
- No.
- Oh, you should always flip a coin
when you've got a
difficult decision to make?
- No, the coin is just there
for you to be able to
understand your heart.
You don't get that?
- No I don't, but isn't that exactly
how it's supposed to be?
- So you do understand it!
- I don't do anything,
I'm just happening.
- Oh wow,
you have just finally figured
out who you really are.
We are love.
- Oh, bollocks.
I am you, you are me
Why is that such a mystery?
There is no separateness
There's no need,
No need to pretend.
Life goes on and on
In a universe where all is one.
For a moment I could see
I am you and you are me.
It's such a mystery.
Let it go, let it be.
Let it flow, nothing is real
In this world.
There's no end.
It's a play
An eternal dance.
What comes up goes down.
For a moment we just roam around.
For a moment I could see
I am you and you are me.
It's such a mystery.
Breathe in breathe out
That's the rhythm of our lives.
Move on
Fill the emptiness inside.
Wake up wake up wake up.
I am you and you are me
It's such a joy to see
That all comes down.
When you wake up from this dream
And inner peace is found
And you will see
That I am you and you are me.
It's such a mystery.