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Whoopee! (1930)
ALL: Whoopee! Whoopee!
Whoopee! Whoopee! (ALL WHOOPING) (ALL CLAMORING) Quiet, folks. We've ridden 20 miles today to see Sally Morgan and Sheriff Bob Wells get married! ALL: Whoopee! Whoopee! What a wild man you are, Bill! Wild enough to tame you! Oh, yeah! Yeah! (ALL LAUGHING) Oh! A cowboy's a wild man But, oh, what a mild man the wildest of cowboys can be One girl can subdue him If she'll bill and coo him Then goodbye to his liberty I'm married, so take it from me, gee! MEN: Cowboy, you're gone from the start With the lassie who lassoes your heart Oh, she takes just one look at you And, cowboy, your wild days are through WOMEN: You go out and buy her the tiniest size in rings She ties you tight to the end of her apron strings MEN: And cowboy you're branded right from the start By the lassie who lassoes your heart ALL: Whoopee! Whoopee! (ALL CHEERING) (LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) ALL: Whoopee! Whoopee! ALL: Cowboy, you're gone from the start With the lassie who lassoes your heart Oh, she takes just one look at you And, cowboy, your wild days are through You go out and buy her the tiniest size in rings She ties you tight to the end of her apron strings And cowboy you're branded right from the start By the lassie who lassoes your heart! (LAUGHING) Hey, Sheriff Bob, how do you like these outfits we rented for your wedding? You look like a bunch of scared coyotes. Why, that sick cuss Henry Williams told us this is the right way to dress. Henry Williams did, eh? Yeah! Well, he was kidding you, you dumb critters! Well, if he was, we're gonna do a little kidding ourselves when we catch hold of him! Come on, fellas. Let's go on. Let's go get him. (MISS CUSTER HUMMING) Here's that stuff from the drugstore, Miss Custer! Thank you, Bud. Costs 15 bucks. Why, that's cheap. Here's your change. Thank you. Say, is that guy Henry Williams really as sick as he thinks he is? He's so full of pills, they can't operate on him. He keeps rolling off the table! (BOTH LAUGHING) Come on, sweetheart. Come on, little girl. Come on, darling! There you are! Come on in! There you go! There you are! Henry Williams, what's that? Condensed milk. What are you going to do with the calf? Miss Custer, remember, I'm lonesome, and I need a companion. Well, if you want a companion, why don't you get a nice girl? Well, that's a good idea, too. But I don't know, I feel so safe with a calf. Give me that. Well, I don't mean that. Miss Custer, leave my baby go! Oh, please leave her go. Go on, you troublemaker! Miss Custer, I don't think I'll be troubling you much longer! Don't talk like that, Henry. Why, when you came west a year ago, you may have been sick then, but now you're as healthy as I am! Is that good? There's really nothing the matter with you. Nothing the... What about the pain around my heart? That'll go away. Yeah, and I'll go with it. And then how about my stomach? Just a little indigestion. A little indigestion! My stomach is so bad when my grandfather died, he left me $20,000, and in six weeks, I'd spent it all on milk of magnesia. Would you believe that? And what about my lungs? The doctor says your lungs are practically brand new. They should be. I've never used them. For nine years, I've been breathing with my liver. Henry, you are just a hypochondriac! Yes, am I? How would you like to see my operation? No, no, sit down. Poor Henry, let me hold your hand. It's not heavy. I can manage. Hold your own hand. Oh, Henry, when I do hold your hand, like this, and put my arm around you and kind of snuggle up to you like that, doesn't it suggest anything to you? Yes, it does, but with my health, I'd better not think about it. Sit down. (ALARM RINGING) Henry, I've been your nurse for three years now, haven't I? (MUMBLING) Nurse for three years. Do you know why I studied nursing? No, why? Because I'm romantic. No. Most girls like big, strong, healthy men. Husky, husky. Yeah, but not me. No? I like weak men. Oh. I have a positive passion for a weak man. I suppose if I was paralyzed, you'd be cuckoo about me, huh? (ALARM RINGING) Silly. Henry. I'll bet you don't know what today is. (GROANS) What is today? Today is Sally's wedding day. Can't you feel it, Henry? It's in the air! It's all around us. Romance! Look in my eyes, Henry! I'm looking. You know I love you. Oh, Miss Custer! And you know that I'm sure that you love me! Oh, please, Miss Custer! Oh, Henry, don't you know how I feel? Henry, marry me! Put me down! Put me down! Put me down. Listen, darling! Get away with your passion. You give me goose pimples. Will you go away? Go away. Oh, Henry, please. Please, marry me. Why, I'd take such good care of you. I'd keep you comfy and warm! But it would be much cheaper for me to get a hot water bottle. Go ahead, will you, Miss Custer? Oh, how can you hurt a person's feeling? I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I've offended you. But you work me up to such a pitch with your lovemaking. Why do you do it? You know I'm not well. Why do you make overtures to me when I need intermissions so badly? Besides, Miss Custer, I couldn't marry you. I'm too delicate. But I love you that way. Yes, but it wouldn't be fair to our children to be born without vitamins. Oh, Miss Custer. (WHEEZING) Oh, Henry, you must love me. You're breathing so heavily. That's not love, you fool. That's my asthma. Now, wait a minute. What are you doing that for? Aren't you supposed to be my nurse? What do you say, boys? How are you, Wanenis? Hello, Dick. I'm glad to see you! We ain't seen much of you around here since you graduated from college. Where you been? Why, I've been down in Montana, laying out copper mines! Oh, that's right. You're a regular mining engineer now, ain't you? (CHUCKLES) I'm working at it. How come you're here today? Oh, got kind of lonesome for the old stamping grounds and all the friends I left here. Sure tough that Wanenis came back here today. Why? Well, the poor galoot's been in love with Sally ever since they were kids. He's part Indian, and her old man wouldn't let them get hitched. That's why he went away! What are you doing here? Who invited you? Invited me? Why, I didn't know I needed an invitation, Mr. Morgan. I've always been welcome here before. Sally is marrying Bob Wells today. I shouldn't think that you would want to be at her wedding. If I were you, I'd go. Your father will tell you that I'm right. Him right. Maybe you come now, huh? Best for you. Black Eagle know. Black Eagle, I must see Sally. No. I'm going to her. No. Oh, hello, fellas. How are you? Hello. How's every... How have you... Hello. Hello. (WHISTLING) You know, when I was a kid... Nobody cares about when you was a kid. Say, listen, you dressed us up like this, didn't you? Well, I hope you appreciate it. Yes, and to show you how much we appreciate it, we're gonna dress you up! But I don't want to be dressed up... (ALL CLAMORING) (WHISTLING SOFTLY) Wanenis. Sally. Please come down. I must speak to you. Wanenis. Then you're going to marry Bob Wells? I knew this would happen, but it hurts. Father wants me to marry Bob. And since we can't have one another, I just don't care. It's your father who convinced me that our marriage was impossible, 'cause I'm an Indian. Wanenis, don't. I'm sorry, Sally. I know it's wrong of me to make you sad on your wedding day. Please forgive me. I wish you every happiness. I know I can't have you. But I can't bear the thought of anyone else having you. When the winter's over When the summer's through When there's prairie clover I'll still belong to you Far above the plain When the moon is new When it's on the wane I'll still belong to you Winds may blow as though they know what I've told you Yet the more they blow The closer I'll hold you Though the world may take me From a world for two Though you may forsake me I'll still belong To you MR. MORGAN: Sally. Sally! Sally, please come back. Sally. (GUN FIRES) Why, Wanenis, I didn't know that was you. I thought it was some skunk prowling around. You know, you can't be too careful at a time like this. (BLACK EAGLE MOANS) I suppose you came back to see me marry Sally? If you'd like to take another shot at me, give me a gun, and we'll shoot it out together. I don't fight with Indians. I don't want you hanging around here anymore, and neither does Sally. Savvy? Listen, fellas. If you see him or anyone else trying to go up that ladder again, next time... Better you come now, huh? Come, Wanenis. Come. Miss Custer! Oh, Miss Custer! Miss Custer! Miss Custer! Where is that woman? Where is that nurse? Miss... Wanenis! Hello, Henry. How are you? Hello, Black Eagle. I'm glad to see you. Yeah, me too. I haven't seen you in a long time. That's right. How's your health? I'm sorry you asked. Last week, I looked so terrible, two undertakers left a deposit on me. And say, what's happened to you? What's the matter? It's nothing, Henry. Just a scratch. I'm in a little trouble. Yeah, you're in a little trouble. All you've got is a scratch. Look at me. I've got five dangerous ailments, with hardly a chance of recovering. And, oh, look where cactus is growing. (GROANS) Henry, I'm in love. That's hard luck, too. Last week, I bought a suit with two pairs of pants and burned a hole in the coat. But I've lost the girl that I love, and my heart is very heavy today. Your heart is heavy? My heart is five times the normal size. But you don't understand. This girl and I grew up together. I am an Indian! (MOANS) He suffers from gas, too. Isn't it terrible? Why, Henry, a way back, my people were chiefs. (MOANS) Why don't you try bicarbonate of soda? You'll be a new Indian, really. But I'm only a small part Indian. How small? Well, my great-grandfather married a white girl. So did mine. What is that? Did you know that I'm a half-breed? Are you a half-breed? Sure. I breathe through one side of my nose. Sinus. For this girl that I love, I've studied the ways of your race. Why, I've gone to your schools. An Indian in a Hebrew school! How... Oh, for heaven... (GROANING) How did you get along? About since I was that high, I've striven to be something among your people. I know. We all have our disappointments. From the time I was this high... That's even lower than yours. See that? I figured out someday I might be a great aviator like Lindbergh or Byrd. But I can never be an aviator. Can't eat sandwiches. Why don't you be like me? I've been delicate all my life, but I wouldn't let any woman boss me around, tell me what to do. Henry! I'll see you boys later, all right. Henry Williams! What are you doing with my bloomers? Whose bloomers? I'm not doing anything. Now, you keep away from my trunk! (BOTH LAUGHING) This is the happiest day of my life! You go to the mission, Bob, and I'll fetch Sally right over. She ought to be all ready by now! Thanks, Mr. Morgan. Wait a minute, wait a minute, girls! You've got plenty of time, really. Every time I hear that dear, old wedding march I feel rather glad I have a broken arch I have heard a lot of married people talk And I know that marriage is a long, long walk To most people weddings mean romance But I prefer a picnic or a dance Another bride Another groom The countryside Is all in bloom The flowers and treeses The birds and beeses Are making whoopee The choir sings Here comes the bride Another victim Is by her side He's lost his reason 'Cause it's the season For making whoopee Down through the countless ages You'll find it everywhere Somebody makes good wages Somebody wants her share She calls him toodles And rolls her eyes She makes him strudels And bakes him pies What is it all for? It's so he'll fall for Making whoopee Another year Or maybe less What's this I hear? Well, can't you guess? She feels neglected And he's suspected Of making whoopee She sits alone Most every night He doesn't phone Or even write He says he's busy But she says, "Is he?" He's making whoopee He doesn't make much money Five thousand dollars per Some judge who thinks he's funny Says, "You pay six to her" He says, "Now, Judge "Suppose I fail" The judge says, "Budge "Right into jail" You'd better keep her You'll find it's cheaper Than making whoopee Henry! Henry, come here. What? I want you to do something for me! Sally Morgan, why aren't you in your wedding dress? Well, you see, I'm not going to be married. What? Not married in the mission, I mean. Sheriff Bob doesn't want these cowboys to get rough and boisterous. So he and I are going to sneak to town, get married there, and take a train east for our honeymoon. Honeymoon. That reminds me, you know, my sister's husband wanted to take her to Florida on their honeymoon, but she's been to Florida, so she sent a girlfriend. (LAUGHING) Now, listen! What? Sheriff Bob wants you to drive me to the junction. He'll meet us there. I'll go in and get my bags. Wait a minute, Sally, I'll help you. Don't do anything until you hear... (GUN FIRES) Oh, for heaven's... Who did that? Who did... (LAUGHING) Just a little mistake, partner. Just a little mistake, that's all! (CONTINUES LAUGHING) (MIMICS LAUGHTER) Just a little mistake! I suppose to you the World War was just a typographical error! Just a little mistake! Henry! What? Get my bags quickly. All right, hurry up. I've got it, Sally. Here, got it? Take that! I've got it. Just come right down. Now, be careful of Polly. Right. I'll be careful. Come right down, Sally. I'll be waiting for you. Isn't she sweet? Just take care of yourself. I'll be all right. Come right along, Sally. (SQUAWKING) Come here, Polly. What do you want? POLLY: I want to make whoopee. She wants to make whoopee! (CHURCH BELLS TOLLING) MEN: Today's the day To hear the bridegroom say "I'll honor and obey" Today's the day WOMEN: Here comes the bride! MEN: Tonight's the night The stars will shine so bright The honeymoon will light our happy way WOMEN: Here comes the bride! Spring is a rogue who lightly trips over all the hills and dales ALL: Love comes along and your heart skips Then you'll hear the wedding bells And then you'll say "The world must be all right" Today's the day, today Tonight's the night Here comes the bride! Spring is a rogue who lightly trips over all the hills and dales Love comes along and your heart skips Then you'll hear the wedding bells And then you'll say "The world must be all right" Today's the day, today Tonight's the night Sheriff! Boys! Boys! Where's Bob Wells? He's coming right over there! Sheriff! What's wrong? What's happened? Sally's gone! Gone? Where? What do you mean? I don't know. She isn't around anywhere! Has anyone seen Henry? Here's a note I found on the post! "Dear Father. Don't be angry with me. "I just can't marry Bob Wells. "I love another, and don't look for me, "because when you receive this, we will be far away. "I have eloped with Henry Williams." Henry Williams! Well, if she loves him, I hope she's happy, wherever she is. And I wish them luck! Luck! I'll wish them luck! When I catch him, I'll hang him to the highest tree I can find! Has anyone... Sheriff, have you seen Henry? No, but when I do, you'll never see him again! Oh, Sheriff, you've got Henry all wrong. Why, he's the sweetest, most harmless little fellow in the whole world! Say, what did he do? He eloped with Sally Morgan! The son of a hypochondriac. I'll kill him! Boys, come here. Jim, Jack, Joe, Tex, Slim. You know what we do with a critter who steals a horse? ALL: Yes. Well, this one just stole my woman. Get into your saddles, because we're gonna ride him down, boys, and then we're gonna hang him up. Don't let a white man get by you! Come on! Henry! Henry! Henry, where are you? Here I am! I've been asleep. Why don't you start the car? That's a good idea. That's what I've been trying to do for the last half an hour. Have you got gas? Have I got... The way I suffer? Have I got gas? (CHUCKLES) No, no. I mean, have you got gasoline? Of course I have gasoline. How do you think we came here, with ketchup? This shows that I have gasoline, here. Oh, for the... Not a drop. I'm not well. I thought you'd be the man to help me. I thought you'd be the man to save me. And you didn't even know enough to fill your gas tank! Oh, for the love of... What's the matter? I haven't any more circulation than a herring. Here you are, bawling me out, and my temperature drops to normal! If you keep me out in these mountains all night, you won't have to worry about your health, because Bob Wells will kill you! What do you mean? I do him a favor, and he'll kill me? I take you to the sheriff so he can marry you, and he's gonna shoot me because I run out of gasoline! Henry, you might as well know the truth. You're not taking me to the sheriff. You're taking me away from him! I'm... Oh, I see. You just left out the details. And I left a note saying that I had eloped with you. You did what? Sally Morgan, I'm going to tear you limb from limb. Henry, I did it because I thought you'd help me. I thought you were brave. I'm not brave. I can't even help myself. Sally Morgan, I came out here to die. Then it's all right, because if Bob Wells catches us, you'll get your wish. But I don't want to die from Bob Wells! I want to die from my sicknesses. That's what I want to die from. I want to die in bed, and I want to have doctors and nurses and flowers and a little fruit. That's what I want. (HORN BLARES) Oh, for heaven's... See, you've got me nervous and jumpy. What am I going to do if the sheriff comes? Take this! Put it away! I can't stand the sight of a gun. I hate guns! Put it away. I don't like guns. Even when somebody says "son of a gun," I almost faint. Sally Morgan, I'm going to take you back to the sheriff. Rather than go back to him, I'll marry you. Two proposals in one day. It's that tonic. It's that tonic! Henry, I mean it. Why don't you marry me and take me east? It's impossible. You know, we wouldn't really have to be man and wife. Secretly, we can be just good friends! Yeah, but I can't keep a secret. And furthermore, you know, people will talk. And you've always been a good girl. Don't you think I am still? Well, I do, but... But what? When is a good girl not a good girl? Nine times out of ten. Henry, you're only fooling. You've never really been in love. I haven't? Listen, Sally. Love came to me in the springtime Just like the blossoms, I fell I thought that June would be ring time Which proves that you never can tell I used to call her pet names Tell her she was divine But she turned out to be the girlfriend Of a boy friend of mine I used to take her places She loved to dance and dine But she turned out to be the new friend Of an old friend of mine I found that love was just a joke I learned what a broken heart meant I even started out to get A kitchenette apartment She thrilled me with her glances (MIMICS KISSES) Her kisses were just like wine But she turned out to be the close friend Of a Scotch friend of mine I thought that we'd be married Sign on the dotted line But she turned out to be the girlfriend Of a boy friend of mine Listen, Sally, each time I try to phone her, what do I get? Just a busy line 'Cause she turned out to be the soul mate Of a cellmate of mine Life to me once was one big thrill Nobody could be prouder Now life is just a bitter pill A capsule and a powder Why am I pale and nervous? Why do I weep and pine? 'Cause she turned out to be the real friend Of a heel friend of mine Oh, I'm so tired! Henry, let's lie down and go to sleep. I wouldn't sleep. Sally, you lie down and go to sleep. Let me stay here and fix the car, borrow some gasoline, and maybe we'll be on our way. See, Sally? Go on. Right to sleepy. Good night, Sally. Good night, Henry. Do you want to go right to sleep? Yes. And the mama skunk was walking along with the four little baby skunks. And one of the baby skunks said to the mama skunk, "Oh, Mama. Look, here comes a great big bear." And the mama skunk says, "Children, let us pray. Let us pray." What are you doing? (CAR HONKING) (CONTINUES HONKING) Hello! Say, look out there! Let us pass! Don't block the road, please! What is it? What has happened? Oh, look, it's a big Lincoln. Say, can we have some gasoline? Hey, you. Get out of the way. I can't stand this. I'm a very nervous man. He's a nervous man. All we need is two gallons of gasoline. We haven't any gas to give away! If you had any sense, you'd carry an extra can in country like this! Do you? Why, of course we do. You do and you refuse to help. Shame on you! Never mind, clear out of the way. I say, my man, that's a good old thing. Chase that bug off the road. The bug. Chase the bug... How do you like that? "Chase the bug off the road." Of course, you can't be expected to know the nervous condition that I am in. (HORN HONKING) Stop that. Stop that! Hey, you going to get out of our way, or do I chase that flivver up the mountain? Didn't I tell you I need gasoline? Will you go and get out of the way... (MEN CLAMORING) (HONKING CONTINUES) Would you stop it? I'm telling you. Stop. Give me something, give me... Here. What are you giving me? What is it? Don't shoot! Get up, up, up, up. Not you, you fool! And no funny movements, either. Say, you can't shoot a man like me! Shall I try? No. No. Get out of the car, everybody. Line up front, come on. We'll let you have a couple of gallons. Yes. You'll let me have anything that I want. Father, he doesn't know who you are! Who cares? What's that? Driver! Yes, sir! Get a can of gasoline. Yes, sir. Follow me! Yes, sir. Now, then, pour the gasoline in my tank! Yes, sir. Don't forget, my partner up there is looking at you with a gun. If you do anything funny, he'll fill you full of lead. Yes, sir. And, you, take this gun. If this fellow bats an eye, you shoot, and shoot to kill. What's that, Morris? I'll tell them. Never mind, I'll tell them. My partner up there said that somebody here wasn't holding up their hands high enough. What partner? My partner, he's up there. You want to hear him? Yes. You up there, Morris? (FAINTLY) "You bet I am." Shall I get him? "All right." See you later. "All right." Goodbye. "Bye." Good night. Oh, help! Help! Help! What was that? Who did it? Help! Help! Take care of yourself. What's the matter? Were you scared? Pick up that can. DRIVER: Yes, sir. Get over here. Yes, sir. Get over here with that! Yes, sir. You've got the better of us now, but in an hour, I'll have the sheriff of this county on your trail. You'll have who? The sheriff of this county! What do I care? He's under an obligation to me. You think I'm afraid of a sheriff? And you bet he'll get you. He's a regular man-hunter, that fellow Bob Wells. Bob Wells! (ALL CLAMORING) (SCREAMING) DRIVER: Here. Here. Give me the gun, all of you. Thought I dropped the gun, did you? (LAUGHS) Each one of you four, get around to the tires. DRIVER: Yes, sir. Unscrew the valves, put in the small end and leak the air out. When I say, "One, two," take her out. (AIR HISSING) Now, get around in front of my car! I'll be hanged if I do! Turn around, or I'll shoot you right through the heart. Go ahead. Get around there. Get around there. Now, old man. I've got a surprise for you! What is it? What? Crank my flivver! Me, crank a flivver? Go on, you old crank. I'm a sick man! You're sick? I'd love to show you my operation! Would you... Go ahead, crank it. Go on. Get around there, crank it. Crank it. Come on. (ENGINE STARTS) Boy, that's terrible. Well, I told you. I ain't no cook. Say, why don't you try it? Oh, there's nothing female about me, Mort. Now, listen. I'm in a fine fix. The boss is expected here today, and last night the cook lights out on me. And if I don't find a new cook, I'll have to find a new job. Get out, get out, Sally. Get out, Sally Morgan. What's the matter? I smell cooking. I hope we can get something to eat here. I'm starved. You're starved. I want to tell you something, Sally Morgan. I've had a piece of toast, two pieces of asparagus, and a bottle of Bromo-Seltzer since Easter Sunday. Would you believe that? Henry, you'd better take those glasses off! Why, don't be silly. I can't. Why not? With my eyes? (SCOFFS) Even when I go to sleep at night, I've got to keep my glasses on. What for? So I can recognize the people I dream about. Silly. Henry, please take the glasses off! Oh, all right. And whatever you do, don't use our right name! Well, of course not. Come in with me. I'll get you something to eat. Hello! Hello! Hello. Hello. Oh, look, it's the new zeppelin! Say, I'm nervous, and we're very hungry. We'd like to have something to eat. Oh, you would? Yes, personally, I'd like some hot water and prunes, bananas and cream, corn flakes, and boiled eggs, two minutes. If they're two and a half minutes, I can't eat it, because the acidity presses against my heart, and I've got to take six Bell-Ans in hot water. Say, who are you? What's your name? Henry. Henry what? Ford. Well, Mr. Ford. I've heard of you someplace before. This is Mrs. Ford, of course! Of course. You see, we've just been married. She's one of those new Fords. (BOTH LAUGHING) Gosh. That's great! Hey! I'll be all right. Just let me take a nap. I feel good. I feel good. Go ahead. I bet you're a great cook, Mrs. Ford. Why, I've never cooked a thing in my life! Can you cook? Can I cook? That's swell. You get the job. We need a cook, and you're it. But... Now, don't argue. Get to work. It's exactly 7:00. 7:00! I'm glad you... I've gotta take two pills. I've gotta take two pills. And at 8:00, I expect you to have breakfast ready. Now, don't try to get away. Your flivver will be locked up in the garage, and I'm still pretty handy with a six-shooter. Look, mister, I can't stand anything heavy on my stomach. Would you mind taking that... SALLY: Get it! Get it! Hey! Get it! Here, here! Here you are. Here you are. There you are. You'll have to cut out this fooling, both of you. And get to work. Now, here's a cook's hat and coat. Yes, sir. Missus. You set the table in the patio, out yonder. Say, what... What are you gonna cook? Well, I don't know. For instance, tell me, what would you like? Well, a waffle would hit me all right. All right, I'll hit you with a waffle. I don't mind what I hit you with. (LAUGHING) Oh, my nerves. What a place! What a mess! Yes, and the worst part of it is, we've committed highway robbery. We could go to prison for that! Prison. Have they got doctors in prison? Why, yes. I'll be all right. I'll get along. I'll be all right. But they'll give you 20 years. (LAUGHING) Twenty years... What are you laughing at? Why, the joke's on them. Why? I can't live but six months. Oh, golly. You know, I never made a waffle in my life. I wouldn't know how to... Have you got a larger bowl? (HUMMING) I'm making waffles (HUMMING) I'm making waffles I'm making waffles What is this? E-P-S-O-M. Epsom, Epsom, Epsom... (HUMMING) I'm making waffles (HAMMERING) "$500 reward..." (SINGING NERVOUSLY) Hey, who are you? Me work here. Me Greek. You put that sign upstairs. Yeah, and I'm hungry to get that guy. You hungry? I fix you up. One roast beef, one buttered toast, one strawberry pie, one cups coffee... Hey, I don't want that stuff! You want something else. One fried egg, sunny-side up. Turn on the heat, turn on the heat Hey, you're no Greek. Now, who are you? What do you care? I'm asking you, who are you? Don't ask so many questions. You remind me of my nurse when you... Oh, have you a nurse? I did have, but I got rid of the pest. She was a pest, huh? She was. She was worse than a pest. She was a seven-minute boiled egg. She was a blonde weasel. She was a phooey. That's what she was, that woman. Hey, you're not fooling me. I know you're Henry Williams. Henry... Who the... What the... How the... I did not. I did not. Now, where's Sally Morgan? Why, how do I know what Sally... Isn't she here? Why, no, honestly. No! But you love her, don't you? No, no, no. I could kiss you for that. Why do you want to kiss me? What kind of a cowboy are you? Henry, look, don't you know me? Miss Custer. So, I'm a blonde weasel, huh? Say... A phooey. I knew you all the time. Oh, yeah. You didn't fool me. You knew me, huh? Pick up your hat, go ahead. Go ahead, pick it up. Pick it up. Listen, Henry. Listen to me. Do you know that the cowboys and the sheriff are on your trail? Sure. They're all on my trail. Will you do me a favor, Miss Custer? Why, sure. Go and tell them that everything is all right. Will you, please? Will you go and tell them? Oh, Henry, did I ever refuse to do anything for you? No, you haven't. But this is the one time when I need you more... You know what I'm like, Henry. If I didn't need you... For three long years, I've watched over you like a little baby. When I say... (HENRY EXCLAIMING) Henry, stop that and listen to me. Don't you know anything at all? Everybody's after you. Sure. Yes! But listen, if Sally isn't here with you, I'll protect you with my life. Yes, yes. But if she is here, heaven help you. You're such a darling, Miss Custer. You're always trying to help me. I love you, Henry. Well, I'll be. Say, what is this? Why, it's nothing. I'm getting a treatment. This is my nurse. Nurse? Well, you'll need a real nurse and a few doctors, too, if I don't get something to eat. Where's them waffles? What waffles? Why, I'll sock you... Hey, just wait a minute. Don't you dare touch him. Why, he's sick. He's delicate. Don't you lay a hand on him. One blow might kill him. Oh, Henry, dear. (LAUGHING) Go, get somebody, quick. He's fainted. Henry! (HENRY GROANS) Get the baggage upstairs. Chester, phone Sheriff Bob Wells to get here at once. Right-o. Oh, it's him! What... Oh, my nerves, my nerves. It's him, all right. You get back up there! Where? Where? Where am I? Mr. Underwood, welcome home to Bar M Ranch! Welcome? This is a fine welcome! Held up, insulted, I haven't had anything to eat. My nerves are all shattered. Get me some breakfast. Yes, sir, there's the cook, right there, sir. Would you care to have some nice waffles? No, no, no. I'm a very nervous man, and I need plenty of nourishment. Get me some buckwheat cakes, fried chicken, fried potatoes, beans, corn, pudding, salad, and a nice cup of coffee. What? No cereal? Say, where have I seen you before? Why, in some hospital. You've been in a hospital? All of them. What's the matter with you? Oh, nothing. Just let me take a nap. I'm all right. I feel good, now. I feel good. But I do have trouble with my stomach. Every night for 19 years, I've had to take bicarbonate of soda. That's nothing. I've had stomach trouble all my life. No? Look at the coat on my tongue. Yeah, look at the pants on mine. Say, I've had pneumonia four times. Ha! I'm even with you. I've had double pneumonia twice. Sit down. Pull up a chair. My boy, did you ever have the hives? The hives? I've had the itch and a broken arm at the same time. For a sinus operation, I was under ether one hour and 45 minutes! An hour and 45 minutes? Yes. And you think you were under ether? Yes. Mister, they gave you vanilla. I'm going to tell you something. I had an operation of water on the knee. Look at this bump I got from an operation of water on the knee. See this bump here? From an operation of water on the knee? Yes, sir, they ran out of ether. See the bump here? See it? Are you going to have any more operations? What do you think the doctor said? What? Doctor said if I have one more operation, he's gonna put in a zipper. A zipper, like that. I got a scar, six inches long, from appendicitis operation. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm gonna show you a scar. You think you've got a scar? I'm gonna show you something, my dear man, that will amaze you. Here is really a scar from an operation. You see that? Now, look down here, see that? All the way down to the leg? You see it? Let me take a look at yours. Listen, I'm ready to prove to you. Here, does this show? Wait a minute, see that? Now, wait a minute, I wanna show you. See this? 51, is that good? Yes, but, my boy, look at this one. Come down here. Just let me show you an operation. You see that, can you see how far down that operation goes? Now, can you see it? Say, now, let me see. Let me see your operation. For goodness... Oh, for heaven's... I don't even think you had an operation! Can you see it now? See what I mean? There you are. Yes, sir, my boy, that is some operation. I'll say so. Tell me, what did your operation cost? $200. $200? (LAUGHS) That's nothing. Mine cost $2,400. How much? $2,400. Do you mind if I take one more little peek at it, like... Oh, well, no wonder! You've got hemstitching. Sally, the sheriff and his men are coming. I cut through the hills to beat them here. They're going to hang Henry Williams. No! Now, if you love him, go, and go quickly. But I don't love him. Why did you elope with him? Because I couldn't marry Bob Wells. I don't love him. If you don't love Henry Williams, if you don't love Bob Wells, who do you love? Last night, when we were together, I knew I could never marry anyone else. Sally. Take me away with you into the mountains. I'll live the way of your people. I can't do that, Sally. You'd be an outcast! Oh, I don't care what they'd say. But don't you realize that if I let you make this sacrifice for me, I wouldn't be worthy of your love. It can't be, Sally. This is the end. Wanenis. The Epsom did it. (HUMMING) I'm making waffles Hey, Mr. Underwood, the sheriff is coming. Sheriff Bob Wells is here! Who did you say? Sheriff Bob Wells. Bob Wells! Oh, for... Listen, fellas, we pack them here. You know the fella I'm after. Look over the ranch. Watch the roads. And don't let a white man get by you. You get me? Don't let a white man get by you. (EXPLOSION) Sally Morgan? How dare you speak to me? What the... Don't you know me? Henry? Henry Williams? Well, of course... Well, who am I, Amos 'n Andy? Why, your disguise is perfect. How did you ever think of it? You mean the black? Yes. I didn't. I got in the stove, and somebody else thought of it. Sally Morgan? You've been crying. Now, what's the trouble? I wish I were dead. Don't say that. I wish I'd never been born. You could have said that first and saved yourself a wish. You know that, don't you? Henry, if you loved a person, and they were of Indian blood... I can't stand the sight of any blood. We've no time to fool around. The sheriff is here. And he's come to hang you. Well, let's not hang around here. Here. Who are you? The waitress. Who are you? The cook. Where's my breakfast? Your breakfast, ha! I didn't eat myself yet. His breakfast... Come on, Sally. Andy, what kind of a cook have you got? Oh, Dad, I found the bandit's flivver... What are you doing here? Whose flivver is this? I don't... No! What's the matter with you? Are you crazy? (GASPS) No! Just as a precaution, I think I'd better have the sheriff arrest you, don't you? Yes! Sally, get into the flivver. I'll be with you in a minute, and don't move until I get back! There must have been a dozen bandits, and every one looked like a killer to me! Don't worry, Mr. Underwood, Sheriff Bob Wells always gets his man! Hey, you. Come here! Where you from? We moved. Yeah? What's your name? Rudy Vallee. Who is this fella? He works for me. He's a cook. Yes, sir, but I is a singing cook. Yeah. Well, I got an idea maybe you ain't no cook at all. Maybe you don't sing, either. Go on, let's hear you. Now! I'm so happy since the day That I fell in love in a great big way And a big surprise is someone loves me too Guess it's hard for you to see Just what anyone could see in me But it only goes to prove what love can do My baby don't care for shows My baby don't care for clothes My baby just cares for me My baby don't care for cars and races My baby don't care for high-toned places My baby don't care for rings or other expensive things She's sensible as can be My baby don't care who knows it My baby just cares for me My baby's no Gilbert fan Ronald Colman is not her man My baby just cares for me My baby don't care for Lawrence Tibbetts She'd rather have me around to kibitz Bud Rogers is not her style And even Chevalier's smile Is something that she can't see I wonder what's wrong with baby My baby just cares for me, me, only me Say, that was pretty good. Sing us another chorus of that. Yeah, sing us another. You really want me to? Yeah. My baby don't care for shows My baby don't care for clothes My baby just cares for me CHESTER: Help! Help! BOB: What was that? Did you think there was a voice coming from the garage? Yeah. Why, that was me. Well, of course! I throw my voice in different directions. I'm a contortionist. Didn't you know it? Listen to this... How are you? (FAINTLY) "All right." How do you feel? "Pretty good." See you later. "All right." Goodbye. "Goodbye." (EXCLAIMS) You! My baby don't care for shows My baby don't care for clothes My baby just cares for me CHESTER: Help! Help! Help! Hold that man. He slugged me. The bandit's flivver's in the garage. They must be on this ranch. Was there anyone missing on this place last night? Only Mort and Andy. They went into town. Take them into the kitchen, and I'll question them. Well! And you, too. I know, but listen, Sheriff... Get in there. I didn't do anything. Don't tell me that. I know different. Yeah, what about it? Search those guys. (LAUGHING) I'm ticklish! Let me do it to you, Sheriff! Why, I'll smash you one... Line up some chairs here. I want to question them. And sit down. Now listen, you guys, all of you... Pardon me, if you'll allow me, I will quickly discover which of these three men is the guilty one. How? By applying psychology, if you'll have them do exactly as I tell them. They'll do as they're told. This is a little psychological experiment. I studied the method in my college laboratory. Hold these, please. I'm going to read your most secret thoughts by what is known as the association of ideas. If you can read my thoughts, you oughta kick me in the face right away. BOB: Quiet. Well, I propose to know not what you want to tell me, but what you're trying to keep from me. Pardon me. Did you ever tiptoe through the tulips? Oh, Esther. Sit down. Good boy, Chester. I'm proud of you. Thank you, Father. Look, he just met his father for the first time. (LAUGHING) Have you seen your mother yet? I haven't any proper mechanical apparatus, but I can use a substitute. Use your old man. What? Allow me. You will all hold your clenched fists directly out in front of you, so. Upon these fists, the sheriff will place one of these china plates, thus. Then, I'm going to ask you a few questions. Then, you're going to hear the cutest answers you ever heard. Quiet. When I speak the word associated in your mind with your guilt, you will drop the plates. You must. Pardon me. Have you seen my operation? Sit down and hold out your fists, all of you! Oh, we're gonna have waffles. Oh, shut up. The muscular reaction of the normal person acts independent of the subject's will. Says which? I said, the muscular reaction of the normal person acts independent of the subject's will. Except February, which has 28. BOB: Shut up! Now, listen. Which one of you men has ever been called a scholar? A poet? A philosopher? Which one of you men has ever been called a thief? (HENRY LAUGHING) (IN SINGSONG) Oh, the sheriff is a thief. Why, what's the meaning of this? Go on, pull up a chair for the sheriff. Quiet! I'm not on trial here. We'll resume. Dog, cat, cow, wolf, lion, leopard... He's a salesman for animal crackers. Shut up. Automobile, Ford car, Illinois state license, garage... That one's guilty. Take him away! BOB: Lock him up! Good boy, Chester. Isn't he wonderful? Go on, Chester! (BLEATS) May not even be his boy! Doctor, parson, sailor, thief... Pardon me, are you wearing a girdle? Quiet. Love is sweet. (BLOWS RASPBERRY) The air is soft. The wind blows. The waves... Sit down there, or I'll bust you in the nose. Who do you think you're kidding? Don't you know I'm the sheriff of this outfit? Look down. Look down, below is sin. Above is virtue, look up. Look up. Let the thief be known. HENRY: Let him be known. Hold him, too. Only one left. Well, I guess I won the spelling bee! Sit down! Do you dare answer the questions I ask you? Yes, you smothered lamb chop. Now, I'll speak one word. You answer at once with just one word suggested by the word I speak. Ready? Shoot! Sun! Hot! Rain! Wet! Crime! Jail! Sheriff! Boob! What? Sit down. It came out of me. I can't help myself. BOB: Sit down! Dad, this man is innocent. If he was guilty, he could never hold those plates under my questioning. I thought you were gonna find out who committed this holdup. My boy, you made a mistake. Henry Williams, I know you. Oh, but please don't give me away, Miss Custer. How did you ever keep those plates from falling? I knew what he was going to do, so I put glue on my fists. That's all. (CHUCKLES) There you are. MAN 1: Tell that to me. Henry Williams knows something about this, more than he's telling you. MAN 2: They're gonna find out about him pretty soon. Say, boys, if you find Henry, promise you won't hurt him, or I won't invite you to our wedding. We didn't know you were gonna marry Henry. He doesn't know it. (ALL LAUGHING) But, gee, Miss Custer, we ain't got clothes for no wedding. Say, you can be high-hat in a Stetson! Why, I had an uncle by the name of Jerry And he was a cowboy, too He was a cowboy, too Set the styles for miles and miles Ask my uncle by the name of Jerry What the well-dressed man should wear And in conjunction with the social function You could hear my uncle declare Come on along and wear your Stetson Can't go wrong with a Stetson You're in wrong without a Stetson High-hat, my hat You intend to be some dresser I'm your friend, and I mean yes, sir You should be the proud possessor Of a sky-high Stetson hat (MEN WHOOPING) Now I feel all right. I'm all right. I'm all right. I feel good. I feel good. I'm all right. Don't worry. I'll handle this, and I'll handle it right. Did you find Henry Williams? No, there's not a trace of him here. Hello, Sheriff. Henry Williams! ALL: Henry Williams! Henry Williams! I'll kill him! No. I'll kill him. After what he did to me, I'll kill him. Well, make up your mind. Who's gonna do it? Why, you... Say, listen here, you... (ALL CLAMORING) A fine bunch of cowards you guys are, running away from a pill-chewing tenderfoot. Come on! Sheriff, don't. Come out of there, you pop-eyed, anemic, dying frog. If you ain't out by the time I count three, I'll fill you full of lead. One, two... (ENGINE BACKFIRING) Suffering coyotes! He's got Sally with him! Sally, how do you feel? I'm all right. How do you feel? I'll find out. Wanenis stay now forever? This life best for you. You have tried the way of the white man, and you know that it is bad. Forget white people. Live here. Marry Matafay. (INDIAN EXCLAIMS) Look, Jewish traffic cops. (SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE) Oh, say, aren't we all? Listen, don't get too fresh with me. I'll tell Wanenis. Hey, man, what're you gonna do? What are you gonna do? Listen! What did I say? SALLY: Henry. Where are you going? (SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE) Why you come here? Listen, I'll tell you, it's a long story. First, you listen me. You want be friend with Indians? I'm friendly with everybody. I even like my broker! Sit down! Smoke pipe peace. Smoke. No, no, me want hot chocolate. No, no. No can have. Smoke. Wait. Give me a chance, I'll tell you. Old bicycle tires? Let him see. You ever see me before? Bless my soul! If it isn't old Black Eagle! Old Black Eagle, that old man Segal (BLACK EAGLE MOANS) (ALL MOANING SEQUENTIALLY) It's an epidemic! Pipe, you know what it mean when we smoke pipe? Many years ago, white man, Indian fight. After fight, sit down, smoke pipe peace together. Yeah, then white man fall asleep, Indian take ax, give white man haircut. I know that stuff. Go ahead take it. I don't want it. Smoke. You tell truth, we friends. You lie, enemies. Red man never lie. No, well, then, just for my own information, listen, was there anything between Pocahontas and John Smith? Oh, Chiefy, Chiefy? Pocahontas, good, beautiful girl. Yes, yes. John Smith, big, handsome man, and... Don't tell me the rest. I read the True Story magazine. Pocahontas save John Smith. Yeah, why didn't she do something for his brother Al? His brother Al? Yes, and I don't mean Jolson. Mammy. Smoke. This make us friend. Yeah. This make me sick. Pardon me, is that a wind-blown bob you have? Say, look, since you got your hair cut, how do you keep your wig warm? (BLACK EAGLE MOANS) See, you're still doing that. If you took that bicarbonate of soda when I told you, you'd have been all right now. Oh, I'm afraid I'll have to leave the room. No, stay! Oh, Chief, please. Where's your wigwam? Quick! (SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE) We're gonna have something to eat, huh? Well, that's fine. Say, I'm satisfied. Henry, what are you doing here? Wanenis, I'd never know you without your shirt on. He's cute, isn't he? BLACK EAGLE: Heap much. (CHUCKLES) And what's the idea of the summer shutters? What a funny place for fishing tackle. Wanenis, listen. You were the only one we could come to for protection. The sheriff wants to hang me because I helped Sally run away from him. Yes, but why did you run away with her? Don't you know that I love Sally? Sure, you love Sally. I know you love Sally. You know he love Sally. You boys know he love... You want to give me a rubdown now? Henry, where is she? I left her in the flivver down on the trail. On the trail? Yes. I must go to her. Oh, for heaven... Just let me take a nap. I'll be all right. I'll be all right. I'll be all right. I feel good. I feel good. Yours? (GRUNTS) Wholesale... I mean bigamy! What mean "bigamy"? Bigamy means that you cannot marry two or three women. Black Eagle no can have two, three women? Who say you no can have? I said you can't marry two or three women. Oh, marry. (LAUGHS) (EXCLAIMS KNOWINGLY) He's a dirty Indian. (CHUCKLING) I like you. Come, I make you belong tribe. Come. What does he mean? He's gonna make me for an Indian? (LAUGHING) Me. Big Chief Izzy Horowitz. Well, I don't know... BLACK EAGLE: Come. Come. Today, my people are celebrating my return to the tribe. From now on, I shall live as an Indian. You can't do that. I'm through with the white man and his ways. My one drop of Indian blood makes your people hate me. I don't hate you. I love you. I love you too, Sally. More than my life. But we can never marry. When the winter's over When the summer's through When there's prairie clover I'll still belong to you Far above the plain When the moon is new When it's on the wane I'll still belong to you Winds may blow as though they know what I've told you Yet the more they blow The closer I'll hold you Though the world may take me From a world for two Though you may forsake me I'll still belong To you Dad, that was the bandit's flivver we saw on the trail. They must be hiding around here somewhere. I'm going to have a look around. Oh, Daddy, don't forget, I want a blanket and a doll. How! How! And how. Here, you, have you seen a white man and a white girl about here? Me, no capisce. I'll bet you understand money. How much for that blanket? 100! I wouldn't give you $100 for six of them. This blanket have heap big history. One time him belong to Big Chief Spoil-You-Shine. Who? Spoil-You-Shine. Spoil your shine! My baby don't care for shows My baby don't care Why, confound you! I'll have you thrown off this reservation! You like this doll? Yes. How much? Him also have history. You know him name? No, what is it? Big Chief Rip-Your-Collar! Who? Rip-Your-Collar. Rip your collar! Rip your collar! Why, you fresh Indian! How dare you? (MOANS) You know who I am? Who? I'm an Underwood. Indian no care for typewriter. My daughter wants that blanket and doll. I'll give you $50 for the both. $50. Me no can sell. Too cheap. No, no. Cost me more. No, no, no, no. You make them $75. $50. (BLOWS RASPBERRY) What does that mean? Indian raspberry. Come on, $50. No, no. One price, $65. $50! $60! $50! $60! $40! What become of $50? $40. $40 for blanket and doll? $40 for the blanket and doll. White man pay him $40 for two article? $40 for the both articles. Look, if I sell you for $40, I couldn't make a cent. I should live, so. It cost me alone $35.50. Could I sell you for $40? $40! Such a chutzpah. $40? $40! (TALKING GIBBERISH) I give you $40, two articles like that? $40! Listen, I don't need your business. Will you do me a favor? Yes! Go some other place. Go ahead! All right! Look! Look! Look! He can't take a joke. (LAUGHING) Well, here you are, my man. Give me the $40. Come in again some time. Come in again. Be glad to see you. There you are, friend. Come in again some time, my dear, little fellow, because... (IMITATING INDIAN CRY) Come here, Hiawatha. And what are you doing in that fireman shirt? Me, chief. Fire chief? Yes, here is my hook and ladder. Getting kind of peppy, aren't you? I feel pretty good, Miss Custer. I feel like... (SCATTING) You know, Miss Custer, they've got a lot of beautiful squaws around here! Oh, yeah? They've got the hottest-looking squaws you ever saw. You know, I tried to get a room here, but they didn't have a room, so I made a reservation. Miss Custer... No! No! Miss... That's about enough from you. Dark is the mountain With the setting of the sun Outlive the sorrows When the red man's day is done Hear the voice of sorrow while we pray Calling our tomorrow, yesterday Red man no regretting With the setting of The sun (DRUM BEATING RHYTHMICALLY) Sheriff come. Black Eagle speak sheriff. Black Eagle, there is a white girl and a white man here. What make sheriff think so? I'm giving you fair warning. It ain't me alone you're bucking this time, but the government. If you don't produce them, I'll see that your whole tribe is punished. If you want to punish anyone, punish me. Sally! Sally! Why did you elope with Henry Williams? Because I couldn't marry you, Bob. I love Wanenis, and I'm going to marry him. Why, Sally, you can't. Father! Don't worry, Mr. Morgan, as much as I love Sally, I know I can never marry her. Black Eagle, Wanenis love white girl. Tell them truth. Wanenis white. Long time, 25 years ago, Black Eagle find child in white man's shack on mountain side. White man leave white squaw, white squaw die. Black Eagle take child. Black Eagle call child Wanenis. You're lying, redskin. I don't believe you. Red man never lie. If sheriff look in county courthouse, he will find record Black Eagle make when Wanenis born. Is this really true, Black Eagle? (MOANS IN AGREEMENT) I can't believe it. Tell me! Tell me! Is it true? True. SALLY: Wanenis! Sally! Help! Help! Help! Help! Listen! Now, Miss Custer, listen. Why don't you bury the hatchet? That's what I'm trying to do. No, will you... Now, look, will you wait a while? Will you wait a while? Stop this nonsense. I want to be serious. Miss Custer, you know there comes a time in every man's life when he feels the need of a companion. Someone to whom he can give his affection, someone who'll understand him, love him, comfort him. Miss Custer, Mary, I'd like to ask you one question. Yes, Henry, dear? Whatever became of that calf? Now, will you wait a while? Will you listen? Will you wait a while? You know how I feel about you. My baby don't care for shows My baby don't care for clothes My baby just cares for me My baby just loves those consultations And how she enjoys my operation After our honeymoon In April, May or June I'll get my nursing free Then I can feel good for nothing My baby just cares for me That's all there is. |
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