1
- This is Roxie.
- Hello.
- Hi.
What are you looking for today?
- I don't know.
The usual I guess.
- Um, what's your name?
- Richard.
- Ooh, Richard.
It's nice to meet you, Richard.
Do you want me to tell
you what I look like?
- Please.
What do you look like?
- I'm blonde.
Five foot seven.
With 34DD breasts.
My measurements are 39, 24, 34.
- Whoa, you sound hot.
- I'm very athletic.
I wake up and do an
hour of yoga every day.
- I bet you're limber.
- I'm very supple and pliable.
I'm basically a human pretzel.
- Excellent.
- I feel like taking a bath.
You want to take a
bath with me, Richard?
- Yeah,
that sounds good.
Let's take a bath.
- Mmm, okay.
First I run the water in the tub
really really hot.
And I see the steam coming up.
- Oh yeah.
- And then I bring you
in and strip you naked.
- Go on.
That's good.
- And then I take my
lavender scented body soap
and my loofah.
I slide you down
into the steamy bath.
Fuck, fuck!
And then I start
jerking you off.
Stop!
Wait!
Hold up!
Oh baby, cum all over me, yeah!
Wait, wait.
Just stop.
- Are you Gabriella Applebaum.
- Okay, you know what?
You're making a mistake.
- Is this your Elantra?
- You can't take my car.
- I have a repossession
order for delinquent payment.
- Oh, baby, do me.
No, you know what?
This is my property.
You can't just steal it, okay?
You can't just.
- Stand clear please.
- Okay, listen, listen.
I'm trying to tell you that
you're making a mistake.
- Are you prepared
to make a payment?
- Funds are a little
tight right now, okay?
- Sorry, ma'am.
What are you doing?
- I can't let you.
I'm doing this
for you karmically
as well as for me.
- Ma'am, this is my job.
One way or another, I'm
taking this Elantra.
- You cannot take my baby.
You wouldn't repossess an
actual baby, would you?
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
- Ma'am, look.
- Fuck.
- I don't sleep that much--
- You know what?
I don't care!
Floating down the river
Hello?
In my little yellow canoe
Me and Mr. Sunshine
He's laughin'
I'm a feelin' blue
So he pulls out
a fishing net
And says tell you
what I'm gonna do
Said hearts down
there at the bottom
Gonna bring it
back up for you
So got two sticks
of dynamite
I jumped at a mountain
And I'm climbin' to
the top to get high
Got two sticks of paradise
One for the Buddha and
one just for the ride
And sometimes I don't
know which way's up
And which way's down
'Cause tomorrow's
gonna come around
Can I get a beer over here?
Yeah, I keep complainin'
Take your troubles
to the bar
Anyone will tell you
Life out here is hard
Oh, come around
I'm 21.
I have long silky black
hair and a killer body.
- Oh yeah?
- And I work
as a high priced escort.
- Nice.
That's good.
Tell me about that.
- I spend my
nights being wined and dined
by handsome wealthy men.
- Get the pizza.
- Sometimes we invite other
women to join in the fun.
- Awesome!
- What the fuck are you doin'?
What the fuck are you
doing, you little shit?
- It's not what it looks like.
- You motherfucker!
I love threesomes.
Who the fuck is she?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You know
I'm actually living
with a woman right now.
- You are?
- Hi Mom.
It's just so freeing.
There's no self
consciousness or judgment.
- You're doin' it
just to irritate me.
And I'm trying to
do you a favor.
I'm trying to help you.
Look how Esther's doing.
Being with her
it just feels like home.
- Are you there?
- Oh, yeah.
You want to take a bath?
I don't know, Regina.
I'm not sure I'm
that good at this.
- Look, don't worry about it.
You're doin' great.
Look, all it takes
is insane imagination
and to be sexy as hell
and you've got both.
- Thanks.
But I got my first
check yesterday.
It was nothing.
- It's always slow at first.
- Well how long does it take?
- Well, you make more
with repeat customers.
You gotta try to
keep him talking.
You're not gonna make as much
if all your calls last
like five or six minutes.
- Well they don't
usually last that long.
You know I don't think
we get a lot of guys
that are into tantric phone sex.
- Oh, hey, I've
got one comin' in.
I'll call you back.
Regina speaking.
- Hi there.
- Hello and what
are you looking for?
- I'm lookin' for you.
- And I'm lookin'
for you too, baby.
- You big hunk.
You big bear of a man.
Oh baby, I'm so wet.
I'm so drenched.
Tie you up, I'm gonna spank you.
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
No, no, no, baby, I don't judge.
It's no problem.
Fuck.
Hi Otis.
Hi Otis.
Where are you?
You want to take a trip?
You want to go to explore?
You broke up with a guy because
he had parquet flooring.
Okay, you need to
be more open minded.
You know like me.
- Open minded?
- Yes.
- Like you?
- Yes.
- Gaby, you're a doormat.
- Oh, no I'm not.
- It's like when
you get a boyfriend.
You get sucked up
into his vortex.
- Fine.
- That guy Vince.
He had you takin' care
of his whole building
like collecting rents and
cleanin' his floors and--
- You know what, excuse me for
wanting to make a man happy.
- Well, that's fine.
Just remember who you are.
- Wait, check this out.
Those guys at the pool table.
How 'bout them?
Come on.
- I got it, asshat.
- Dude, come on you guys!
Come on!
Come on!
- Bring those
arms up towards Heaven
in three, two, one.
- I read an article about
these new antidepressants
they're coming out with.
I clipped it for you.
- Are you saying that
I need antidepressants?
- I'm just letting you know
that they don't have the bad
side effects they used to.
They won't make you
gain all that weight.
- Hi, are you
Gabriella Applebaum?
- Um, yeah.
- You've been served.
Have a nice day.
- What does it say?
- It's court papers.
- Court papers?
- Vince is suing me.
- Suing you?
- Last week he wants to
get back together and now--
- I told you he was no
good right from the beginning.
I could tell.
- Mom, you never
gave him a chance.
He turned out to be a
narcissistic asshole
but it took him time
to reveal that side.
- Well luckily I have a
very good attorney friend.
- Who?
- Sandy Gershowitz.
- Oh, Mom, don't.
You know you're always
coming on to him.
It's so obvious that you
want to get in his pants.
- Okay, Gabriella.
Go ahead and tell
me in your words
why this young man is suing you.
- Well because she
didn't pay her rent.
- Mom.
Okay, my ex-boyfriend Vince
was originally my landlord
and then we started
sleeping together.
Then after I lost my
job at the toll booth,
they decided a machine with a
big mouth you throw coins into
was just as good as a
nice friendly human face.
He stopped charging me rent.
- For how long did you
carry on this arrangement?
- A year and a half.
And we broke up in March.
And he wants me back.
That's why he's doing this.
He's just pissed
because I moved on.
- Did your ex-boyfriend
sign anything
like a contract indicating
your rent was free
once you became untangled?
- Untangled?
- While he was schtupping you!
- No.
This is Roxie.
- Oh, um, hi.
- Who's this?
- This is Martin.
- Well hi there.
What can I do for you, Martin?
What are you looking for?
- I don't really know.
That's a good question.
I found your number online.
I just decided to
give this a try.
I'm pretty new to this.
- No problem.
That's okay.
- So, um,
how do we do this?
- Well.
Right now I'm lying in my bed.
With my fingers on my clit.
- Oh, really just,
you just dive right in then.
- You wanna dive
right in me, Martin?
- Yeah, I
mean, do we just go
straight to the nitty gritty?
- Now, well I can't help it.
I'm dripping wet.
- Can we just take
a little step back for a bit?
Can we just start
with a conversation?
Sorry is that allowed?
- A conversation?
- Yeah, like when
two people meet in real life.
Get to know you kind of thing.
- Well, you know that
we do charge per minute
after the first 10, right?
- Yeah, I know.
- Okay.
Let's talk.
- I'm a screenwriter.
I do rewrites and punch-ups
on big Hollywood movies.
Little bit of craftsman
in the Hollywood hills.
- Sounds glamorous.
- I mean sometimes
but most of the time
being a writer just means
sitting and staring into
space waiting for the ideas.
- Do you date a
lot of big movie stars, Martin?
- No.
My wife was a character actress.
You know, kind of gets
cast as the best friend
which in Hollywood means she's
pretty but has dark hair.
- And glasses.
- We've been
divorced for years.
You ever been divorced, Roxie?
- Nope.
- Oh, it's
fuckin' awesome.
You should try it.
Most of the stuff I do is comic
book based or fantasy genre.
We always produced on this
perversely high budget.
I bet your boyfriend's dragged
you into a few of my movies.
- I don't have a boyfriend.
- You don't?
Really, they've got
good Chinese in Chicago?
- Chinese food?
Sure.
- And as a habit
whenever they bring
you the fortune cookie
I eat it, but I never
read the fortune.
Just throw it away.
- Hi, I do that too.
- Yeah?
Do you really do that?
- Yeah.
Always have.
I've always been a realist.
- Yeah, I never needed to know.
I mean I assumed it
was bad you know?
Most of the time, I just
prefer to live in the moment.
- Well that's
a good philosophy.
- Are you
in Balboa Park again?
- Actually I am.
- Do you
write there every day?
- Yeah, pretty much.
It's nice and quiet.
There's this lake.
Surrounded by cherry
blossom trees.
They bloom in the spring.
It's fantastic.
- You know, my
sister lives in LA
and I think she's in the Valley.
- Really? Where?
She's anything like you I
may have to start dating her.
- Well, I'm not sure.
We haven't spoken in a while.
- How long?
- Um, I don't know.
A couple years.
Let me live
Let me live my life
Oh oh oh
The best you gave
Is the best you could find
How 'bout him?
That guy.
- No, no.
- Why?
- He looks like his
name should be Kurt.
- Oh, honey, you're too picky.
Regina, let me
ask you something.
Do you ever get a caller
that you've found interesting?
- Are you serious?
- Well some of them
are nice, right?
- No, no, they are horny
old men or weird shut-ins.
And Gabby, you'd get
fired in a hot second.
- I know, I know, I know.
- Look, they're
freaking perverts girl.
- Hello.
- Hey Roxie.
- Hello Martin.
- Well you sound
like you're in a good mood.
- Well, let's
just say I had a good day.
- Hey, did
you know this is
our two week anniversary?
- Oh!
- It's the
longest relationship I've
ever had with a
disembodied voice.
- Same here.
- Hey, text me
a picture of yourself.
- Oh, I can't honey.
- Oh come
on, you owe me.
After all the money I've spent?
- No, it's against the rules.
- Rules are
made to be broken.
- You're gonna get me fired.
- I mean
you've got my number on
at some screen I would assume.
- Sure, but,
nah, it's too risky.
Besides, the voice I put on,
I'm older than I sound.
- Come on Roxie,
I wasn't born yesterday.
- Well,
what if you don't
like what you see?
- I'm sure
that won't happen.
I'm gonna hang up,
send me the picture.
- No but...
- Goodnight
pussycat, drive safe!
Oh, you're still up.
Stanley and I had a lovely
dinner at Ditka's Steakhouse.
- And I'm going on a vacation.
- You are?
- Yup.
To Los Angeles.
I'm going to visit Esther.
- Since when?
- Since tonight.
I just think that Esther and I
need to put aside
our differences
and bury the hatchet.
- Does Esther know?
- Mom, I'm not gonna
dignify that answer.
- Image isn't really
about clothes.
Image is about the
way you see yourself.
You are unconsciously,
non-verbally telling people
how to see you.
So, are you a recluse?
Are you a slob?
Or, are you confident,
happy, and successful?
It is up to you.
Let me tell you a story.
One of my earlier
clients back in Chicago
was cripplingly shy.
I created an entire
new image for him
based on three points.
Work outfits, happy hour
looks, weekend style.
He emailed me exactly
one year later
to tell me that he was
wearing the gingham shirt
I bought to propose
to his new girlfriend.
And do you know what she said?
God damn it, I'm sorry.
Greta, will you finish?
She'll finish all
the details for you.
Hello.
- Hey dude.
- Gabby, hi.
Is Mom okay?
- Oh she's fine.
I just wanted to reach out.
Say shalom.
- How nice.
Listen, I'm actually
working right now.
Is it okay if I call
you in a couple days?
- I'm coming to visit.
- You're what?
- Please leave
a message after the tone.
- Hi Martin, I hope
this is Martin.
Your message had that
robotic lady voice on it.
Anyway, this is,
this is Roxie.
I hope you don't mind my
calling you privately.
Outside of work I mean.
I've decided to
live dangerously.
So call me whenever you
get a chance, thanks.
I have a surprise for you.
It's Roxie again, bye.
- You
have no messages.
- You're what?
- Come on, listen,
please listen.
- What the hell are
you doing in LA?
- If you get a
caller named Martin,
have him call me okay.
He's got my number.
- You went all the
way to LA for some
freak who sits at home
jerking off over the phone?
- He's nice.
- You're gonna get fired!
Shit canned!
- Please Regina, come on.
Just don't tell him
I'm here, all right.
I only have the weekend.
Just tell him to
call me all right?
- Fine.
- Oh you're a goddess.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I love you, bye.
- Are you Gabby Applebaum?
- Yeah.
- Hi I'm Greta, I'm
Esther's personal assistant.
It's nice to meet you.
- Oh, hi.
- Can I take your bag?
- Oh no, I got it, I got it.
- Come with me.
She's sorry she couldn't
make it herself.
- Oh, okay, all right.
- Wow, look at
that, you're here.
- I told you.
- Well, come on in.
- Hi.
- If you could just
excuse us for one second.
Gabby.
Greta, can you confirm
my 11 o'clock appointment
and here is the shopping
list for the new client.
I need you to pick
up my dry cleaning
and do it before you
make the returns.
- Okay, got it.
- Got it?
All right thanks Greta.
Sorry about that.
- It's a nice joint.
- Well it needs work.
We're gonna push
out the dining room,
but we like it.
Just put your bag over
in the corner there.
Not on the rug.
Is it cold back home?
- Cold as a witch's
tit in a brass bra
in the middle of Lake Michigan.
- Well that's lovely.
- Oh, I am ready for sunshine.
- You hate the sun.
You always said it
gave you a rash.
- Oh that's so I could
get out of softball.
- Well you shouldn't
have signed up
if you didn't wanna commit.
- I was nine.
They shouldn't of held practice
when I was watching Scooby-Doo.
Oh I can help?
- No, sit, sit, sit.
- This lotion that I
bought at the airport
smells like feet.
- How long are you in town?
- Two days, til Monday.
- Well sorry, it's so crazy.
Maybe if you'd let me
known ahead of time,
planned in advance--
- Don't worry.
- You know, since
Burt got laid off
my work load has double,
and with the kids
I barely have time to breathe.
- I can keep myself busy.
- I'm surprised
you even have money
for a trip like this.
Mom said you're having
trouble finding work.
- No, no, no, I've
got a new job.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Mazel tov.
- Thank you.
You know, the hours are good.
I can work out of my bedroom.
I don't even have to
change out of my pajamas.
- You didn't answer an ad on
the telephone pole did you?
- No.
- Because those are a
scam, you know that right?
- Yeah.
I'm a phone sex operator.
I work for a phone sex line.
- You're stimulating
orgasms from men
on the phone for money?
- Yeah, but I get to use
this really cool voice.
Hey big boy.
- And you don't have any sort of
ethical problem with that?
- I'm helping people.
And you can make a
lot of good money
if you build up a
good client base.
- How are you helping people?
- Everybody needs
somebody to love.
- Does Mom know
that you are running
a phone sex line
out of her house?
- Hey, I buy mom's groceries,
I pick up her prescriptions,
I take her to Zumba class,
I'm basically her
nurse chauffer.
- Well that's what
you get living at your
mother's house when you're 50.
- 49.
- Well at least you found a
skill that you could monetize.
- Okay, what's the
orange in the potato?
- It's a sweet potato.
- Oh yeah.
Yeah that's good.
- All right guys, enough
with the phones.
Please?
Eye contact.
That's what people do
when they interact.
Burt.
- Sorry.
- So, why don't I
push my meeting tomorrow morning
and you and I go have
brunch somewhere nice?
- I'd like that.
- You
have no messages.
- Oh hi, you ready for brunch?
- Where's Esther.
- She's sorry, she couldn't
move her 11 o'clock,
but she asked me to take you.
- So why do you have two phones?
- Oh, this is my work phone.
- So basically Esther
needs a direct line
to you at all times?
What's it like working for her?
- She's nice.
- Really?
It's okay.
She's my sister, I've known
her since I was two-years-old.
You can be honest.
- She's nice.
- Has Esther told you that we've
barely spoken in years?
- No, I didn't know that.
- Yeah I mean, we don't
hate each other or anything.
But you know, let's just
say we are different.
And she's very concerned
about what other people think.
- And you're not?
- Well it's not like I
can do anything about it.
- You are different.
Hey, are there any
particular sites
you wanna see while you're here?
The Walk of Fame or
maybe the Hollywood sign?
- Yeah, I'd like
to go to a park.
- We can go to Griffith Park.
We can go up to the
Griffith Observatory.
- I'd like to go to
Balboa Park in Van Nuys.
- You wanna go to Van Nuys?
This is nice.
I never even knew this was here.
I gotta get out more.
Never even go to the beach.
I've lived here 11 years
and I've been swimming twice.
- Can I tell you a secret?
- What kind of secret?
- A man.
- Yes.
- Well he lives in LA.
I'm a phone sex operator,
he's my best customer
and I was hoping to meet him.
- Wow, they still
have phone sex lines?
- Oh yeah, it's actually
a thriving industry.
I mean they have
webcams and stuff too,
but there's still a
lot of guys out there
that like to hear a sexy voice
talking about their cock.
- Now I know.
- I just couldn't
bring myself to tell
Esther that I came all this way
just to meet a man
I've never met.
Just sounds kinds stupid
now that I say it out loud.
- No, I think it's brave.
- You do?
- Yeah.
Can I tell you a secret?
- Sure, anything honey.
- I'm pregnant.
- Okay.
- I mean I haven't
told Esther yet.
- Well I don't think you
need to at this point.
- She won't be happy.
My job's like 24 hours a day.
This will definitely
qualify as a distraction.
- How could she not
know you're pregnant?
- Have you
ever worked for someone
who doesn't really see you?
- Yeah, but why don't
you just tell her?
- No, she makes me
a little anxious.
Since I got pregnant my
mouth overproduces saliva,
so when I get nervous it
triggers my gag reflex.
- You know what,
I'm just gonna level
with you right now.
You've gotta tell her.
Oh, wow.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Okay, just breathe.
There you go.
Okay, all right.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Boy or girl?
- Boy.
- Oh good, good, no drama.
You just have to make sure
that he doesn't eat
the electrical socket
or climb on the TV set.
And tell him that he
can't be a prick to women
when he grows up.
- I'm supposed to feel
him kicking by now,
but I'm almost at five months
and I haven't felt anything.
- Well maybe you have and
you just don't know it?
- Hello Esther.
I can stop by the Topanga Mall.
Yeah, just text me the sizes.
I have to work.
- No problem.
Don't worry about me.
I'll just stick around
here and explore.
- Hey give me your phone.
I'll put my number in,
you can text me
when you need me.
- Oh yeah.
And just remember, Greta,
you mustn't let the fear
of being shit-canned
get in the way of
what you really want.
- Yeah, I spend 24
hours a day focused
on somebody else's life.
I don't even know
what I really want.
- Hello.
- I miss you.
- Really?
Then why'd you sue me?
- I don't have to.
I can make that all
just float away.
- We're not getting
back together Vince.
And I don't owe you
a years back rent.
- Come on Gabby,
don't you just wanna
forget all this shit
and drive out to Michigan
and rent a pontoon
boat and get wasted?
- No, I don't.
In fact, I can't.
You know why?
'Cause I'm in LA right now.
- Los Angeles?
Bullshit.
- Here, listen.
It's the ocean somewhere.
- What the hell
are you doing there?
- As a matter of fact,
I'm here to see a guy.
- What guy?
Where'd you meet this guy?
- On the
phone, through my--
You know what, never mind!
- Oh, so you meet some
guy over the phone
and you think he's
in love with you?
- That's not what happened.
- Yeah funny, he's
trying to steal
your travelers
checks or something.
- He's a successful
screenwriter actually.
A real man.
Not some Ritalin
addicted man-child.
- ADHD is not a joke, bitch!
- Fucker!
Packing me soft like your
Punching pillow
Sharp as a guillotine
As wicked as the gallows
If you're looking
for sedative
Well, I can be mellow
But truth they don't
I'm pretty yellow
Hello?
- Hi Roxie.
- Hi Martin.
- So I guess
you couldn't wait
for my next call I see.
- No, I guess I couldn't.
- Well what is this
big surprise you speak of?
- Well,
guess what?
Okay.
Hi.
- You must be Roxie.
I'm Martin.
- I'm Gabby actually.
- Of course.
I'm still Martin.
Hey.
So why aren't you in Chicago?
- Oh, I'm
visiting my sister.
You know, just for the weekend.
- The same
sister you haven't
talked to in two years?
- That's the one.
- Well good,
I'm glad you're here.
It's nice to actually
meet you in person.
- And after that,
Regina, my best friend,
she hooked me up with this gig.
- Do you like it?
- Well, it's pretty boring.
Unless you call.
- Thanks.
My job's pretty boring
too to tell you the truth.
- All my jobs have been boring.
So, you got any tattoos?
- No, no I almost got one.
Was gonna get one
when I turned 40.
Honestly couldn't figure out
anything I could commit to.
- If you had a gun to your head
and you had to get a tattoo,
what would it be?
- I would get
tattooed on my body
a tiny appendix somewhere
above wherever my
appendix is so if
I ever get severe stomach pains,
I'll know if I'm
having appendicitis.
- Mine would
be Fred Flintstone.
- Okay, Stones, classic.
- I mean he's the ideal man.
His rough exterior,
heart of gold, bark is
bigger than his bite.
And he's funny,
which is important.
And I obviously
am a total Wilma.
- Obviously.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I think it just goes
different generations--
- To your left!
- Oh god!
- Jesus!
- It's a fucking
sidewalk you dick!
- Jesus!
- You okay?
- I'm fine.
Ouch, god.
- Oh shit, what happened?
Hey ma
I'm a star
I got the shit they die for
Nothing less but
a whole lot more
Here we are.
- Oh this is nice.
Is that an orange tree?
- Yeah.
I wasn't exactly
expecting company, so,
can you wait here a second?
- Yeah, sure, I'm fine.
- Pick the dirty underwear
up off the floor.
Thanks.
All right, all clear.
- Oh nice.
- Great, have a seat.
- Thank you.
How long have you lived here?
- About
three years now.
- Nice place.
- Thanks, I like it.
Here, put your foot up.
- Oh okay.
- There, how's that?
- That's cold.
- Yeah, it's because
they are frozen peas.
Now, I am not a doctor
but I've seen them on TV.
What's the first
part of the pledge?
First do no harm.
I shall endeavor as such.
I don't think we
have to cut it off.
This stuff is supposed to
keep the swelling down.
So,
let's see now.
Is that okay?
Does that hurt?
- I'll be fine.
My body's a workhorse.
I never get sick.
Never did as a kid either.
- I was always sick with
some virus or other.
Spent most of my
senior year in bed
like some Victorian
poet with consumption.
- That must've been
very disappointing.
- I got mono, the
kissing disease.
Which I sadly got
from a water fountain.
What the hell's that?
My parents never
stopped fighting.
It was so obvious
they hated each other.
They just never bothered
to get a divorce.
Which is one stick of
theirs that I didn't repeat.
It's classic I just escaped into
science-fiction, and fantasy,
and Tolkien, Ray Bradbury.
Dungeons and Dragons.
- You were one of
those kids huh?
- Fuck you.
I'm so sorry if I preferred
fantasy to my shit reality.
But that's what makes
me such an amazing
phone sex client right?
- Cheers to that.
- How's your tea?
- It's really good.
- That's fresh honey.
From my apiary.
- I'm sorry, what?
- There they are.
Urban beekeeping is
illegal in most cities.
This is my small
act of rebellion.
- Where'd you get a beehive?
- Online.
You can get anything online.
Did you know we're in the
midst of a honeybee crisis?
- No.
- Yeah.
Pesticides, fungicides
killing them all off.
Humanity shooting
itself in the head.
The smoke mellows them out.
There we go.
Look at that huh.
How cool is that?
- Yeah.
- Now look.
That's the queen.
- Oh my gosh, that
looks like too much pressure.
I don't know if I
could handle that.
- I don't know.
There's something to be said for
knowing your purpose in life.
What one of these
little guys does
down to the lowest worker bee.
That is very fresh bees wax.
I still can't get over
the fact that you're here.
I'm really glad
you called though.
- You are?
- Of course I am.
This was great.
- I thought so too.
- The rest of my day's
a cluster fuck though.
I've got this thing I gotta
be at in like 20 minutes
and then I got this show
I've gotta go to tonight
which I am really
- No.
- not looking forward to.
- I understand.
- If I had known it...
Well,
I have a parting gift for you.
Consolation prize.
A little something to
remember our day by.
It's my very first batch.
- Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure.
Nothing better than
homegrown honey.
Once you take the
stingers out of your face.
- Oh, stingers are no fun.
- They're not, however,
wait til you taste that honey.
- Listen,
seeing how this is,
we have only today.
I know this is
ridiculously last minute,
but I
was wondering if
I could tag along.
If you don't mind.
- No I don't.
No I don't mind.
You sure?
- Yeah, I'm easy.
Not that easy but.
- Okay, come on.
- Great.
- Scene 43, exterior
barren planet, day.
A vast landscape of red rock
dotted with impact
craters interrupted
only by a single sleek monolith
jutting out like a knife
at a 45 degree angle.
Interior starship,
main corridor, day.
The guards eyes dart
nervously between
Barren and Cobb.
Barren remains composed
despite the phaser
pressed to his temple.
- How did you escape
the holding dock?
- We were freed.
- By whom?
- Your commanding officer.
- The Tycon is in danger.
- I don't believe you.
- If you lower your
weapon, I can prove it.
- That is the end of the act.
- Okay, so does anybody
have any feedback?
- Well I liked it.
- Oh the notes.
It was nothing.
You should of been
here last week.
Somebody brought
in a pilot script,
it was a fucking bloodbath.
- Then why do you go?
- That's a good question.
I don't know, they
asked me to join.
I swear to god,
some of these guys
just like hearing
their own voice.
I really think a couple
of them are jealous.
- Probably right.
- This is the work though.
You lay your soul bare
naked in front of the world
so the cultures can rip
out your intestines.
What the fuck are
they talking about
too much backstory and
emotionally stunted?
I gotta stop going
to these guys.
They're just tearing me down.
- Oh come on..
I mean what can we do to
get you out of this funk?
- This one is called
Space Mountain.
It has a cool alpine taste
like fresh pine needles
bursting into sort
of a psychedelic
intellectually
creative hyperspace.
It's very stimulating.
- All right, yeah, that
sounds promising.
- This one is called the
Midnight Train To Georgia.
It will take you
to a faraway place.
It's a long-lasting
full body buzz.
- Right.
- And this one is
called Cosmonaut Laika.
Named after the
Soviet space dog.
The first animal to
ever orbit the earth.
Mind expanding.
- You know, I think
what I'm looking for
is something that will help me
sort of focus and enhance
my creative energy
and open the doors of
perception and all that.
But still put me in this
deep philosophical state.
You know what I'm talking about?
- Yeah, no, I
think we have that.
- What about this?
- Whoa.
Proceed with caution.
That strain is potent.
It's called the Shit
Snoop Dog Smokes.
- Why?
- Because it's the
shit Snoop Dog smokes.
- Martin we have to get this.
So what kind of show is this?
- God only knows.
- Great show.
- Oh thank you so
much for coming.
Glad you enjoyed it.
- Hi.
- There she is.
- You came!
- Of course I came,
what are you talking about?
- Is Mom here?
- I didn't see her.
- She never comes
to any of my shows.
- You know your mom.
Oh, I'm very sorry.
Francesca this is
my friend Gabby.
Gabby this is
Francesca my daughter.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- You brought a woman.
At least one of you is able to
understand the
meaning of my piece.
- It was good piece.
Really good.
- And, what did you think?
- It's really, it
was really great.
It's bold.
I sometimes think your work
can be a little
emotionally stunted.
- I'm standing out there naked!
- You don't need to remind me.
- Dad, you're out of--
- You know what, we'll talk
about Friday, the bars okay.
- Oh I can't make it.
- What?
- I'm sorry, it's
really busy right now.
- That's the third
time in a row, Frannie.
- You know, I'm gonna visit
the lady's room?
- Oh, backstage to the left.
Gabby huh?
- That's me.
- So is this like a date?
- Oh I don't...
I guess so.
- I have one question for you.
Have you ever grown
anything from seed
with your bare
hands in the dirt?
- Well I grew sea
monkeys from a packet
in the mail when I was a kid.
- Be nice to him okay.
- Yeah.
- Hey!
Come here.
- Yeah.
- Your tags sticking out.
- Oh.
Thank you.
This is fancy.
- Well you came all this way.
I wanted to take
you some place nice.
I heard great things
about this place.
- Why are there no prices?
- Oh that's just how they do it.
- Have we come to a decision?
- You start.
- What is in the
Birds Nest Salad?
- Two eggs of asparagus,
an oyster mushroom,
and a nest of millet,
parsnip, and maple syrup.
It's one of the
signature dishes.
- I'll have that.
- And for you?
- I'll have the PB and J.
- Excellent choice,
that's very popular.
- I'll bet.
- Are you interested
in any wine tonight?
- Sure.
- Wonderful, I'll send
over the sommelier.
- Thank you.
- You are very welcome.
- So thanks for coming to that.
- Oh yeah.
We don't get that
stuff in Chicago.
- Do you have kids?
- No, no way.
All I learned from
my upbringing was
how to screw them up.
- Everybody screws them up.
You just try to
not make the same
mistakes your parents did.
I like to make my own mistakes.
- Are you and your
daughter close?
- Yeah, I mean,
I'm sure she thinks I
wasn't around enough.
So, trying to make up for that.
- Well you couldn't of
screwed her up that much.
She seems to be a
very smart, strong,
beautiful young woman.
- Yeah she is, thank you.
She's really
talented too, I just,
I just think she's
wasting her time.
Nobody cares about
theater, not in LA.
- I mean at least she's
passionate about things.
I never had any drive like that.
- Well, drives fine
but she just needs
to be more practical
about her financial future.
It's a hard town.
It's not easy to be successful.
- Well, at least she has a
dad who can show her how.
- Look at that.
- I don't
understand, is that the chef?
- Mm hmm, Tyler Rogsen.
11-year-old wonder kid.
- He's 11?
- New Yorker just did
an amazing piece on him.
He just staged one of the
top restaurants in Manhattan.
- That's crazy.
- I know right?
Well.
- Here you are.
- Thank you.
- You're
very welcome.
- Oh, this looks great.
- What is this?
- It's a deconstructed
peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.
You dip the flash-fried
grapes in the brioche powder
and you breathe in the
aroma of the peanut water.
- Oh.
Thank you.
- You're
very welcome, enjoy.
- Bon appetit.
- Doesn't this seem a
little ridiculous to you?
- I don't know.
When I was young I
could never afford
a place like this.
I perfected the art of making
one crunch wrap burrito
last through breakfast
lunch and dinner, so.
Thinking now that I can,
I like to go out to
a nice restaurant
every now and then.
Have a good meal.
- Cooked by an 11-year-old.
- Who's one of the
hottest chef's in LA.
- He's 11.
Why do people pretend
that he's such a genius.
I'm sorry, but
this food is awful.
Fuck me.
- You were saying?
Now we're cooking with gas.
- Oh good.
I was always different.
Mom wanted me to fit in
so she put me on
my first fad diet
when I was like eight.
Mom would say something
mean about my weight,
I would get upset, my dad would
take me out for ice cream.
It was a vicious cycle.
And Esther was just
embarrassed by me.
How about you?
You and your brother get along?
- Sort of.
We had a band together
in high school.
Puke Bone.
It's named after a chicken
bone my dog threw up.
It was very high brow stuff.
Mostly just esoteric
tributes to the
short stories of Philip K Dick.
- What?
- The sci-fi writer.
- Oh yeah?
- For some reason,
our music just didn't
resonate with our fellow
high school students.
So he quit and joined
an Aerosmith cover band.
- Oh.
- They played at my senior prom,
which naturally
I did not attend.
My little brother got laid at
my senior prom and I didn't.
- Oh god.
- He's out here now too.
- Really?
- He must look up to
me 'cause he keeps
following my footsteps.
And he always ends up
doing better than me.
- Hot tub.
Do you believe in aliens?
- Absolutely.
- Peaceful ones?
- Well,
we do have a lot of natural
resources to plunder.
I'd like to think
they're a lot like us.
- I hope so.
- Fuck.
- What?
- Nothing.
- No, what's wrong?
- It's nothing, I just...
Snoop Dog's making me a
little paranoid that's all.
- Not me.
I am on a cloud.
- I'm so afraid you're
gonna find out the truth.
- What do you mean?
- I'm a complete fraud.
It's all an illusion.
In reality I'm
completely worthless.
- No.
- No, you don't know.
You don't know.
- Okay.
Hey Esther I'm pregnant.
I'm pregnant.
I'm pregnant.
I'm pregnant.
- Greta, I
don't know how there are
five sets of contracts
that haven't been signed.
They need to be done by today.
- Gabby and I spoke and she
said that I should talk to you.
- I'm so sorry that I
stuck you with Gabby.
And whatever she said, take it
with a grain of salt, please.
- No Esther.
Esther!
- What?
- I'm--
- Oh god.
Oh Greta, do you want
a glass of water?
Here, hang on.
I'll get you a glass of water.
Here, here, here.
- I quit.
- No Greta.
Greta, Greta.
- You had
your cellphone in your
possession the whole time?
- Yes!
- Did you
lend it to anyone?
- What is this about?
- Did you give your
cellphone to like a friend?
- No, what
are you talking about?
- $950.
- There's no way
it was that much!
- I got an alert on my phone.
Otherwise, I wouldn't
have even known.
- Dude I'm sorry, I made a
couple of phone calls all right.
- You are living in my house,
I'm paying for your
cellphone bill,
and you have to spend
$950 to jack off!
- It is not about that!
- Who's that?
- Fuck.
Don't worry about her.
Gabby, I can explain.
Just give me a minute.
Would you listen to me!
- Sorry dude, you gotta go.
I've been trying to get
you back up on your feet.
I've been trying.
But you just keep fucking up.
Where are our pictures?
The pictures are missing.
- In the drawer, they're fine.
- You took down our pictures?
- I was gonna put them back.
You weren't supposed to
be here for another week!
- Our shoot got moved
up, I had to come back.
Why am I explaining
myself to you?
- Martin.
- What!
- Oh fuck!
Why do you always have
to fuck up everything
that is important to me?
Just like when you
left Puke Bone!
- That was in the 10th grade!
- Oh I know
exactly when it was.
- Martin, there is a
beehive in the backyard!
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
- How did that get there?
- I put it there.
- What the hell
is wrong with you!
- Are you familiar
with the little term
called colony collapse disorder!
- Quiver is allergic to bees!
- Gabby.
Gabby.
Would you wait?
- No.
- Would you just please
- No.
- let me explain.
Let me talk to you for a minute.
Give me one minute.
- Fuck.
Oh my god, Regina was right.
What was I thinking getting
mixed up with a caller?
You know, this whole
trip was so stupid.
- You've met me at a
very difficult juncture.
- It was all lies.
You're like my grandma's tin
of Royal Dansk Butter Cookies.
Looks delicious, but when you
open it it's a sewing kit.
- You've gotta understand.
I didn't intend for
any of this to happen.
- I understand that.
But you lied to me.
Are you even a writer?
- Of course I'm a writer.
I'm just not a very good one.
It's my brother's house.
He writes for TV, takes
his family to Europe.
I work at a Bed Bath and Beyond.
- Look,
I have screwed up a lot.
I just thought that my
life was on a new track.
Well I guess,
I guess I was wrong.
- Gabby.
Gabby would you...
- Hello.
- Hey lady.
- Gabby, where the
hell have you been?
- No I know, I
know, I'm so sorry.
I lost track of time and
my phone was turned off.
I should've called.
- Greta told me that
she dropped you off
at some park in Van Nuys?
- I was meeting someone.
- Who?
- A guy.
- Who?
- A caller.
- Someone from
your phone sex job?
- Well he seemed nice.
- I see what this is.
You're only here so that you
can sleep with some dude.
- What do you care?
You dumped me with your
personal assistant.
- I had meetings.
And you told her to quit?
- What?
- I am running around here
like a madwoman thanks to you.
- She left?
I never said that.
I told her that she
should get over her hears
and tell you that
she was pregnant.
- Well of course
she is pregnant.
She's as big as a fucking house!
- Well I was trying
to encourage her.
Frankly, she's terrified of you.
- You are so irresponsible.
You act like a child.
- Right, and you're
still the prom queen
who can do no wrong.
- It's homecoming.
- Yeah, exactly.
You're the perfect
little china doll
and I'm the big stupid
doll who pees herself.
And don't worry, Mom reminds
me of that every day.
- I should of known
you weren't coming
out here to see me.
We haven't spoken in years.
- And why haven't we huh?
Why are you so ashamed of me?
- Sooner or later,
you are gonna have
to own who you are.
- What is it Vince?
- I'm gonna
win you back Gabby.
- Please stop calling me.
- I'm here.
- What?
Where?
- Go Bears.
- Go Bears.
- Welcome to my humble commode.
- Huh.
What's that?
- Well there's refreshments.
All for you gorgeous.
A little token of
me affectation.
I say no to peer pressure!
- Just say no.
- I don't use this.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, but
here's the deal man.
- Not even a little bit tasty!
So he was like
"Connie, you're amazing
"at the motorcycle."
This is the gold stuff,
this is really real Gab.
Gabby.
Nothing but the best.
- But why, why
would you do that?
- No, look at me.
- Okay.
Wait, you did it before me.
I can't.
- You almost puked.
There it is!
- No, no, no man.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I haven't decided
if I'm gonna take you back.
- Shut up.
Yes you have.
- I can't believe you came
all the way out here for me.
- Well I had frequent flyer
miles from my trip to Amsterdam.
They were about to expire so.
You are so stupid
to think you can
find someone better than me.
- So stupid.
Yeah.
- So I'm driving
around LA today,
where's the city?
There's like gas station,
strip mall, gas station.
It's like the whole
city is one big Niles.
- Did you just take a shower?
- No, I just washed my hair.
Take it.
- No, I'm good,
I'm good, I'm good.
- Don't be stuck up, take it!
- Okay, fuck.
Wait.
Are you proposing?
- That's my dead
grandmothers ring.
It was hers right.
And I told my parents
I didn't want it.
And then my sister married
that preacher asshole,
and then it bounced back to me
and I was like, "I'll
never use this thing."
Well, well you
know people change.
- No, I gotta think.
- Think?
- Yeah, just let me
sober up a little bit okay?
- Oh.
Yeah yeah yeah.
It's cool, that's cool.
I mean hell, I've
been single 42 years.
Just one nonstop kegger.
I am cool yo.
- You're very sweet Vince.
- Gabby.
When my uncle died and
he left me the building,
I thought my ship had come in.
I'm just gonna sit back and
I'm gonna rake in the moola.
Running an apartment
complex is hard.
I was gonna sell the place
even though everybody says,
"It's not a good time to sell."
Then along came you.
And I thought,
"I can handle this."
- It's because I
collected all the rent.
I did all the paperwork.
I took all the calls at
three am about clogged pipes.
- Yeah, that's love baby.
- You don't need a
wife, you need a super.
- I need us!
I want us!
I want what we had!
- Vince,
we don't,
we don't connect.
- What does that even mean?
- Well you never
asked what I think.
You never wanted to know
what my inner thoughts were.
- You never wanna
know mine either.
- True.
Oh Vince--
- You know what,
you disappoint me.
- What are you
doing, coke again?
- I'm out of Ritalin's
is that okay with you?
I'm not gonna let you go Gabby.
The heart wants what it wants.
And I am not gonna
deny my heart.
- Excuse me.
Hi.
Greta, it's Gabby.
I'm sorry to bother
you right now.
I'm in kind of a pickle.
My ex-boyfriend is here.
I'm at the,
at the Victory Palms motel.
I think it's off Victory
and I'm in room 125.
I just need you to come
rescue me.
I'm sorry.
I'm stupid, I barely know you.
You're my sisters assistant
and you're pregnant.
Yeah I shouldn't
of bothered you.
I made my bed, I have
to lie in it right?
Forget I called.
I'll be okay.
Thanks, bye.
This shit got no way
This shit doesn't
K K K K K
I've been waiting
Take a friend they can hate
Cage cage cage cage
They say I'm crazy baby
They can't tame me
I'm the one that made me
- You must be Vince.
- Who are you?
- I'm Esther, I'm
Gabby's sister.
We haven't met, but
I know who you are.
- Oh.
I heard you have a 10
foot pole up your cunt.
- Really?
Well I heard you're
a parasitic man baby
who likes ugly shirts.
- I guess we know each other.
- Yeah we do.
- Esther what
are you doing here?
- Come on Gabby, let's go.
- Oh, I don't think so.
See, she and I are
engaged, we are family.
- I didn't say yes yet Vince.
- You will.
- No I won't necessarily.
- Put on the ring, bitch.
- Okay, you two can
continue this lively
discussion some
other time because
Gabby is coming with me.
- I don't think so!
- Oh my god!
- Oh I didn't mean to spray it!
I'm so sorry!
I was brandishing it!
- Oh god it's like 1,000 razors!
- Vince, someone's
gonna call the cops!
- They should!
She attacked me!
- I was brandishing.
- This is how you treat
your brother-in-law?
- Don't rub your eyes.
- But that's
where it hurts!
- You're
spreading it around.
- Splash cold water
into the infected area.
- You are not
part of the solution!
- Put your hand away.
I'm sorry Vince.
I just think that we're
not meant for each other.
- Gabby, Gabby, don't
you think that--
- Don't talk.
Let's get a drink.
- It's late.
My kids hate me.
- Of course they do.
- Especially Mika, I'm always
on him about that beard.
- That's what kids
are into these days.
- It's like a big food
catcher around his mouth.
And Burt too.
He just retreats into
his little mental wounds,
inner 7th grade child.
- You have a lot on
your shoulders huh?
- You know why he lost his job?
- Why?
- He was cheating the company.
- Really?
No shit.
- He's lucky he's not
in jail right now.
- Wow.
- You know what the problem is?
I have become Mom.
- Please.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
- I have, you know I have.
Did you know that I have
my ringer on my phone
set to the Supremes
so that when she calls
I know it's her.
And now I can't stand
the fucking Supremes.
- Wait, wait, wait,
you dread talking to
Mom as much as I do?
- Yeah, of course I do.
Of course I do.
And you know with you,
you were a loose cannon.
So she just threw her hands up.
But with me, every detail
of my life was scrutinized.
It was this parade of constant
Jewish mom commentary.
You know how I handle
her now when she calls?
- Huh?
- I pretend like I'm
talking to an insane person
at a mental institution.
And it works.
Seriously.
- I'm gonna have to try that.
- You float through
life don't you?
You don't give a
shit about anything.
Drifting on a cloud,
screwing up wherever you go.
I'm a career woman, I'm
a wife, I'm a mother.
I did everything by the book.
So why is my life
such a shit storm?
- I don't know.
People are weird.
Why did Dad send a
picture of his schlong
to the neighbors wife?
- In the mail.
- Yes, through the mail.
Oh man, what was he
thinking you know?
If Dad were alive today--
- Oh sexting?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dad would be like,
"Oh the world has
"caught up with me."
- He was ahead of his time.
So funny.
So not funny.
I'm sorry I quit talking to you.
Come on, let's get out of here.
This is my favorite taco truck.
Don't tell Burt and the kids
because they think I hate tacos.
Hi.
Let's see.
Three tacos.
We'll take three chicken tacos.
- Okay.
That's gonna be cash or credit?
- Cash.
You remember when you came home
with half your head shaved?
- Yeah.
- Mom like lost her bananas.
- Well that was a tactic to
distract her from the nose ring.
I thought I could
get her to accept it
if I grew my hair back out.
No, that nose ring
looked stupid anyway.
- But you didn't care.
And I envied that about you.
- You did not envy me.
I was an embarrassment.
- You were my big
sister, I worshiped you.
How's your taco?
- It's good.
- Good god it is
freezing up here.
- Oh you lost your
Chicago skin girlfriend!
- You always had a thick skin.
- Did you pick up
my prescription at Osco?
- Yes.
- Did you
forget the dish soap?
- No, I got it.
- Anti-bacterial?
- Yes.
- Oh good, maybe
you'll use it too.
You know you left
your cereal bowl
in the sink this morning.
And that's an open
invitation for
roaches to come in
and make a home here.
- I'm sorry, Mother.
I'll be sure to make an effort
about cleaning the dishes.
- Well good.
You know, it's just
like in high school.
You'd go out gallivanting
with your friends
and I'd be left to
clean up your room
to prevent a rat infestation.
- You're right.
Thanks for keeping
the rats away, Mom.
- You're welcome.
- Mmm.
Thanks Roger.
- Thank you darling.
- That was really nice.
Tomorrow?
- Six o'clock.
- See ya then.
Mmm.
This is Kendall.
- Hi Kendall.
- Who is this?
- It's Martin.
You sound very
beautiful, Kendall.
- Well beauty is only
skin deep you know.
- Yeah I guess so.
- Inner beauty and truth
is what really matters.
- That's true.
- Do you have inner
beauty, Martin?
- I don't know.
I'd like to think so.
- Because that's important.
- Isn't
this sort of unusual
for one of these phone calls?
- I don't know, you sound like
you call these lines
a lot, you tell me.
- Yeah you're right.
Actually, I used to call
this line almost every day.
Used to talk to a
girl named Roxie.
Do you know her?
- Roxie's dead.
- Well shit.
That's awful, how did it happen?
- She died in a
balloon accident.
- Well that is
shockingly random.
It's too bad too
because we used to
have some really great talks.
Some things I was hoping
I could say to her.
To Roxie.
- What would you say to her?
I mean if she were still alive.
- I just really miss her.
And I'm sorry, I
shouldn't of lied.
I have no idea why I did it.
I think it just spiraled
out of control and...
Well, that's bullshit too.
I do know.
I was ashamed.
- So you lied to impress her?
- It's not that simple.
I didn't wanna talk
about what was real.
I know, I was just afraid
if she knew the truth,
I'm a mess.
I'm a fucking mess,
that's the truth.
I don't have a big
house or a big career.
The person that she met,
that guy, that was me.
I can't fake that.
- But your name
isn't even Martin.
- Her name wasn't Roxie.
Did you know that?
- I didn't know her very well.
I thought she was
extremely naive and stupid.
- She wasn't stupid.
She wasn't stupid or naive,
she was an honest person
in a dishonest world.
I wish there were
more people like her.
- Well, Roxie's dead
in a balloon accident
so you can't talk
to her, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
I understand.
- But, if you want,
you can talk to me.
- I can?
- But if you talk to me you
have to be completely honest.
No lies.
- I promise.
- Okay then, let's start over.
What's your name?
- It's Stewart.
- Stewart huh?
So Stewart,
what are you looking for?
I travel around the world
To be with you
I do anything ya ask me to
Yeah
Traveled such a
long long weary way
But I would come right
back here any day
Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
I waited for you
now the longest time
Yeah I take you to
the moon and back
Any night is fine
Traveled such a
long long weary way
I'd end up in your arms
At the end of the day
Yeah
All right
Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh