And now for all you romantics
out there, this one is for you.
Hello, Betty.
Shouldn't you be at the hospital,
looking after a certain other soldier?
Is there any way you can find it
in your heart to forgive me?
I wonder if these two get together.
I'll forgive you on one condition.
- What's that?
- Dance with me.
Explain one thing to me.
What kind of desperate and pathetic
emotional cripple
would actually buy that as an ending?
Rosie, do you think that in real life
Tad Hamilton is the man
he seems to be on the screen?
Absolutely. I mean,
you just can't fake that kind of thing.
What do you think Tad Hamilton
is doing right now?
I'll bet he's in church.
Watch this.
Yeah! Whoo!
- Told you that was him, right?
- Yeah.
Tad Hamilton.
You don't make it easy on us, Tad.
What do you mean?
This is the shot the paparazzi got.
Congratulations. You're actually
drinking, driving, smoking,
leering and groping at the same time.
Which, on the one hand, is just about
the coolest thing "ve ever seen.
Richard.
But, on the other hand, it can be argued
this might be bad for the image.
You play characters who have heart.
This is a person
who will have a heart attack.
I can't believe you guys are blaming
my unemployment on this photograph.
You are not unemployed.
Dockworkers are unemployed.
You are simply between
million-dollar paydays.
As are we, since we both get
a percentage of your payday.
But this isn't about us.
Whatever happened to that part in the
Jimmy lng movie? Im perfect for that.
Well, he's taking a breath.
- He's what?
- He's taking a breath.
He's pausing before deciding.
He's hemming and hawing
and taking a breath.
And this is only going
to make him breathe more.
- What do we do?
- Asphyxiate the son of a bitch.
- We generate a little positive PR.
- What are you, an interpreter?
I'm saying we just need
to do something, Tad,
to remind Jimmy lng and America
that you are the boy next door.
I am the boy next door,
if you happen to live
in a very dysfunctional neighborhood.
Congratulations. You've eaten
your body weight in Pringles.
What's your favorite Pringle?
Sour cream and onion or original?
Well, the sour cream and onion
has a very strong taste.
So if you're eating a small amount,
half a can, you want that strength.
But if you're eating more, you want
the original. lt's a cleaner flavor.
Wait until you discover barbecue flavor.
You'll finally become a woman.
How's Modern Grocer
treating you over there, Pete?
This is the swimsuit issue.
- Oh, my God.
- What is it?
- Win a date with Tad Hamilton.
- What?
lt's to benefit Save the Children.
- That is so like him.
- Saving children. I know.
Ohhh!
- Should I enter?
- Why not?
Sure. Heaven is just a mouse click away.
A mouse click and 100-buck donation.
We can raise 100 bucks.
- With your permission, Petey.
- Im sorry?
- Paper or plastic?
- Paper, please.
Would you help Rosalee win a date with
Tad Hamilton and help Save the Children?
I certainly would.
- Aren't these great?
- The best.
Along with a $125 check
in recognition of yet another Piggly
Wiggly Store Manager of the Month Award.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you, Mr. Ruddy.
So, Pete, when do we
lose you to Richmond?
Because you're running
out of wall space here.
Well, I got my acceptance letter
to Virginia State.
- That's good.
- And I got my student loan.
So, there's just one more thing.
- What?
- There's someone here that l...
I need to have a discussion with
about the going
to Richmond with me issue.
Jars are full.
I love everybody in this store so much.
Sorry for interrupting. Sorry.
It was nice to meet you.
It was nice to meet you, too.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Are you taking off?
- Yes, sir.
Muchas gracias.
Hasta el proximo miercoles.
I am the Albanian one, Mr. Hamilton.
I'm sorry.
Could you tell the other one...
"Muchas gracias" and
"hasta el proximo miercoles. "
- Will do.
- Thank you.
OK, what do I need to beat you?
Double 14, or it's all over.
That's not going to be a problem.
Don't miss. Don't miss, don't miss,
don't miss, don't miss, don't miss.
Um, are you actually doing that? Yeah.
And now Pete will get
the bartendress's attention.
- She's waiting for you.
- And we're waiting for our round, Pete.
Fine.
Angelica.
Yes, Pete?
What is the object of your desire?
We need another round.
One day, Pete, one day,
I know that the answer to that question
will be "You, Angelica."
"You are the object of my desire."
OK. But for now
we'll just go with the beers.
Oh, Pete.
Enough. Thank you, ladies.
You don't like her
the teeniest, tiniest bit?
What? Rosie...
No, she's not my type, OK?
You are so particular.
Who the heck are they?
If that fire alarm went off again...
Why would they send
a news crew for that?
Wait a second.
Right here, please.
In first class you get a DVD player
and may view the film of your choice.
I'd like to touch intimately
whoever thought of that.
We would like to begin
boarding our first-class passengers.
- That's you.
- I know.
Guys. Just take it easy, OK?
Just give me a hug and tell me
to have a good time, please?
OK.
Just be careful, OK?
- What do you mean?
- I mean that this guy is Tad Hamilton.
In his life, he's probably
slept with like 15, 20 women.
No way. That's not even
physically possible.
Besides, like he's going
to be interested in me.
If he claims he doesn't like watching
sports, he's trying to sleep with you.
Got it.
If he claims to love animals,
he's trying to sleep with you.
- OK.
- Guys are guys. Rich or poor.
Famous or grocers.
- Right.
- Just do me one favor, OK?
- Guard your carnal treasure.
- OK.
- Just guard your carnal treasure.
- Thanks, Pete.
- Remember everything.
- I will.
- Remember how he smells.
- I will.
But not just vaguely.
I want good, solid similes.
he smells like a forest
on the first day of spring.
OK, Cathy.
You're going to miss your flight.
- I will bring you similes.
- Thank you.
I almost forgot. I got you something.
lt's regular flavor.
In case you don't like
the prime rib in first class.
Thank you, Pete.
Right this way.
- Just guard your carnal treasure.
- I heard you.
- That's me.
- Welcome to Los Angeles.
e
Oh!
- Can I have these?
- No.
Do you want to think about it?
Gee, what...
Tell me why you're making me
have dinner with an Okie.
Because she's wholesome
as the amber waves of grain.
And she's not an Okie.
She's from West Virginia.
So sorry.
You never wear them.
Can I just have them?
- So what's her name anyway?
- Rosalee Futch.
Sounds insanely hot.
lt's very nice to meet you, Tad.
lt's so nice to meet you, Tad.
lt's great to meet you.
Please, just follow the rules.
"Smile for the cameras.
No brown liquor or cigarettes."
- Fine.
- Very good.
What about Jimmy lng?
Have we heard anything?
No. Still breathing.
I passed Ashton Kutcher in my car
and he seemed happy.
He's happy for other reasons. Im sorry.
We have not heard from Jimmy lng.
Hey, guys, how's this in the shoulders?
Seriously.
Because I got some yoga stuff.
Your films will stand the test of time.
Your films will stand the test of time.
Hi. Im Tad.
Your standing films will time
and test themselves.
Thank you. You're pretty.
lt's Roseanne, right?
Im sorry, what is it?
Ricky?
- lt's Rosalee.
- Rosalee.
Rosalee. Nice to meet you.
- So, you ready? OK, let's...
Yikes-a-bee.
So, how was your flight?
Your films will stand the test of time.
Thank you.
- So, you ready?
- For what?
Right this way.
Rosalee Futch.
lt'll take a few minutes for the spots
in your eyes to go away, but they will.
- OK.
- We're right here.
Is it always like that?
Well, pretty much.
- Shake-a-doo.
- Shake a what?
It just means "Wow."
Shake-a-doo.
Shake-a-doo, I like that.
So...
- You excited?
- Are you kidding?
- This is like a fairy tale.
- Yeah, I figured.
- You OK?
- Yeah.
I'm just not used to sitting
sideways like this.
We don't have sideways seating
in West Virginia.
And I think the cigarette smoke
is kind of...
You can come sit back here if you like.
I can't really move right now.
Boy, I don't feel well. "ve always been
kind of motion sickness-y.
Once, this carnival
came to Fraziers Bottom,
and they had that ride
where it spins around
and you have to stand against the side
and the center falls out.
- And l...
- Damn it.
- Pardon me.
Ahh!
This is just so far from the way
I imagined the evening going.
lt's perfectly all right.
Right, Mickey?
- Perfectly all right.
- Shall we?
Have a nice dinner.
I'll just be out here scrubbing.
Hey, Steve.
- Good to see you, Mr. Hamilton.
- Good to see you, Larry.
- Hey, man, how are you?
- What's up?
Hey.
This way.
Doesn't it hurt,
smiling like that all the time?
You get used to it.
- Should I do it?
- Yeah.
You might not be able
to hold it long, but go for it.
Sure I will.
See that?
It sort of gets you right there.
- That's horrible.
- I told you.
- You sure do have a lot of stuff.
- Yeah, sorry.
I'm never out of touch
with the people who torment me.
Who are they?
Agents, managers, people like that.
This man, Jimmy lng, who's
making this movie Im exactly right for
but, for whatever reason,
he's taking a breath.
- A what?
- He's thinking it over.
lt's just all very competitive,
this business, that's all.
Everybody seems to be
chasing the same thing.
The same parts in the same movies,
the same awards, the same big money.
Well, Im sure you have too much common
sense to get caught up in all that.
I mean, it's just a recipe
for an unsatisfying life.
Obviously you have
your priorities straight, so...
- So, Rosalee, what do you do?
- I work in a Piggly Wiggly.
- Im sorry?
- A supermarket.
- I bag and check.
- Cool.
Yeah. lt's a real dream come true.
But it's fun.
My two best friends work there.
So, what do you do, Tad?
Oops.
What I mean is, what do you do
when you're not doing what you do?
Not a lot, you know.
There's not a lot of time
left for hobbies, really.
And I don't really like watching sports,
so I read.
Play with my dog,
my cat, my bird, you know.
l... I love animals, you know?
What do you think
they're doing right now?
I bet they're in her hotel room,
straining for breath.
His manhood yearning to be free.
Her hands running over
the ripples in his abdomen.
Her perfect bosom crying out in ecstasy.
Great.
All righty.
- I had one of those.
- A retainer?
Yeah, on the lowers
and a night brace for the uppers.
I had really bad teeth as a kid.
Yeah, Im sure
you were a real ugly duckling.
I was like anybody else.
A little gawky, unsure who I was.
Combination skin.
- Well, you came together nicely.
- Thank you.
So did you.
- Bon appetit!
- Umm-hmm!
Thanks, Mickey.
Oh, wow. This is beautiful.
These people sure leave
a lot of lights on.
lt's beautiful.
It is.
And you, if I may say so,
are also very beautiful.
How would you like to come back
to my house for a little bit?
Sure. For a little bit.
- Shake-a-doo?
- No, shake-a-doo.
Good.
Miss Ramirez.
Sonja.
Anybody in the casa?
I think we're all alone.
Oh!
Do you want to come in a little further?
Um, you know what, Tad, thank you, but
I think I should get back to the hotel.
Wow.
OK.
I don't want the concierge
to worry, you know.
Good for you. Good for you.
I'll take you home.
You don't have to do that.
You're already here.
No, it would be my pleasure.
OK, thanks.
That's really nice.
Rosalee, it's been
wonderful to meet you.
I wish you only good things in life.
And to me, wonderfulness, too.
And to you,
only the self same good wishes.
- You know what Im saying?
- Yeah, of course.
- Thanks for the best night of my life.
- No, thank you.
May I give you a kiss goodbye?
I think you might maybe may.
- Good evening.
- Thank you.
Good night, Rosalee.
Sweet dreams.
God!
The limo door swung open.
My foot hit the ground
and I turned to take
one last look at Tad.
At those eyes, at that smile.
And then, regretfully,
I headed back for the hotel.
- Please tell me we're done now.
- We're done.
Wow. I cannot remember a time
before you started telling that story.
Peter, I was asked to provide
a detailed description of the evening.
And you did.
Actually, Rosie, you did a great job.
I felt like I was there.
Sort of against my will, but I did.
OK, guys, with your permission,
I think we should all now
return to our normal lives.
OK.
Actually...
Rosie, I kind of had something
that I wanted to ask you.
Rosie.
Whatever.
lt's something that
I think you're going to like.
I hope you're going to like.
Something I really hope
you're going to like.
lt's been a long time coming,
so it might be kind of a surprise.
Or not, or maybe not. I don't know.
I'm like...
Look, OK,
what Im trying to say is that
l...
Hey.
Let me ask you, what would be
the absolute worst thing
that could happen to me right now?
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Tad.
This is my Cathy friend.
- And my Pete friend.
- Im Tad.
lt's quite pleased and pleasant to...
I've heard a lot about you both.
- Have you?
- Yeah.
- So what are you doing here?
- I came to see you.
- No way. You're just... That's just...
- Yeah. No. Yeah.
- You can't... Here?
- lt's true.
You mean your normal business itinerary
does not include Fraziers Bottom?
No.
OK, Cathy.
- Am I too late to take you to lunch?
- No.
- Great. Shall we?
- Yeah.
- If that's OK, Pete.
- Well, actually...
- If that's OK.
- lt's OK.
If you're going back
to the airport I'll ride with you.
By the route 73 cloverleaf,
I'll have given myself to you
in ways you have only
read about in the drugstore.
- It was great to meet you.
- You, too.
Was there something
that you wanted to tell me?
It was nothing.
OK.
- Wow. Nice car.
- Thanks.
I asked the manager for a rental convertible
and he gave me his wife's car.
Really?
And that was the last time
we ever saw her.
Cathy, he's not her type.
No. Rich, famous, handsome,
ass like cement.
You are absolutely right.
- Move these cheeseburgers.
- Here you go, sweetpea.
Oh, my gosh.
- Here you go, Rosie.
- Thanks.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
I still can't believe you're here.
It was something I had to do.
Sure. Fly clear across the country to
have lunch at the Fraziers Bottom Diner.
I couldn't let that night
be the last time I saw you.
Can I just stop you
and remind you of one thing?
- What's that?
- Im nobody.
Rosalee, nobody is nobody.
- Fine.
- Im following my gut.
Sometimes you have to do that,
even if what you're doing seems crazy.
Because in the gap between
what prudence says we should do
and what our heart tells us we must do,
well, Rosie, therein lies our humanity.
That's from The Road to El Dorado.
You really are a big fan, aren't you?
Is that how you get women?
You steal lines from your own movies?
Not anymore. Wow.
I hope not. That would
shoot a hole in your credibility.
Rosie, the truth is
that when we went on our date
you said something
that resonated with me.
You said you were sure
I had my priorities straight.
But here's the thing.
I don't. I really don't.
My entire life has been about
becoming successful, famous,
becoming this thing that I am.
And you were right,
it really is unsatisfying.
I need a positive influence, somebody
with solid and substantial qualities,
somebody who seems to understand life
and how to live it
in a good and happy way, like you.
I just want to be around you.
I want some of that goodness
to rub off on me.
Do you mean goodness
in a romantic way?
No, a platonic goodness.
And I mean that very seriously.
No funny business here.
- Did I say something wrong?
- No. No, no, no. No.
So, are you going to be
in Fraziers Bottom for a while, then?
I think I have to. If Im going to reset
my priorities, l got to get out of LA.
I got to get out of that fishbowl.
So, what do you say?
I say, yikes-a-bee.
What does that mean?
lt's just something my dad and I say
when life surprises you
and there's nowhere to go but forward.
- Is that like "yes"?
- Yes.
Yes.
Thanks for lunch.
- I'll see you at seven, then.
- See you at seven.
- OK.
- OK.
Stop. Seriously.
You go, girl. You get your man.
lt's room eight.
Just go down
to the door marked eight.
- All right.
- lt's just past seven.
If you hit nine, you've gone too far.
- Got you. No phone calls, please.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- Have a great night.
- You, too.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Very good.
OK.
He wants your goodness
to rub off on him.
- I know, right?
- I see.
And you actually believe this?
- Why wouldn't l?
- Wow, Rosie.
There's innocent, there's childlike,
and then there's just asking for it.
He wants your goodness
to rub off on him?
He wants your ass
to rub off on him is more like it.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah. Whatever.
- You can't go out with him tonight.
- What do you mean I can't?
I mean that I need you
to stay for the late shift.
Janine's sick.
Yeah, she's got a cough.
- She does not.
- No, not yet, but she will.
She's definitely coming down
with something.
No, she's not.
Janine, cough for me. Cough for me.
- See? God, it's all in your lungs.
- What is?
- Nothing. You're fine.
- No, you're not.
Do not tell my employees
when they are fine.
She's fine.
Even if she weren't,
you'd have to find somebody else
because I am going out
with Tad Hamilton.
- Stop that.
- I did feel something in my lungs.
You're not getting off tonight, Janine.
Bob, not now.
- Everywhere Inn.
- Yeah.
Do you guys have any other rooms?
Or how about suites?
Well, yeah, we got sweets.
We got some lollies here by the register
if you want to come on by
and get yourself a lolly.
No, I mean maybe something
a little bigger or newer?
- Bigger and newer?
- Yes, I understand what you mean.
And no, we don't have suites like that.
OK, I guess that's cool.
That's cool, I guess.
- Can you hold on a second?
- Yes, sir.
- Hello.
- Hi, big guy. Where are you?
I'm at a motel in Fraziers Bottom,
West Virginia.
OK. Words I never heard anyone utter.
- She's special, Richard.
- Who?
- The girl from the charity thing.
- The Win-A-Date girl?
You flew to a place actually called
Fraziers Bottom, West Virginia,
and are staying in a motel
in order to nail the Win-A-Date girl?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't want to nail her.
Please don't put it in those terms.
Oh, forgive me, Lord Byron.
I want to be around her, you know?
She has a goodness.
There's a lot that I can learn from her.
I'm trying to feed my soul, OK?
- Im trying to find a way to be happy.
- You want to be happy now?
- This is big for me, Richard.
- Oh, God.
- This is a turning point for me.
- You think that today.
But by the end of the week,
when you've nailed her,
you're going to feel differently.
And what do you suppose happens then?
- I don't...
- I will tell you what happens then.
You pulverize her heart,
and then the press finds out
and all the good that was done
by the promotion gets washed away.
And Jimmy lng continues breathing.
People like you can't have
relationships with girls from Montana.
- West Virginia.
- Whatever.
- Why not?
- You're too different.
Your values are different.
- For example, she has them.
- No, this can work.
It can't and when it ends,
it's very bad for business.
There are more important things
than business.
I don't even know who Im talking
to now. Hello? Is this Tad?
- What have you done with Tad?
- I got to go, OK?
No, you do not got to go. You're going
through some kind of a phase.
An extreme version of your normal
in-between-jobs insanity.
And it has a hold of you.
You need to come back to LA,
have a Bushmills and a Percocet,
go out with an actress
looking to advance her career and
end this self-destructive behavior.
- I'll talk to you soon.
- No, Tad. Bad Tad.
- Bye, Richard.
- Don't hang up on me.
Owww!
- Hello?
- Yes, Mr. Hamilton. I am here, sir.
You wouldn't happen to have
a masseuse on staff?
No, but I am a very fast learner,
and I could, you know... Hello?
It always comes around
Coming.
You must be Tad.
Must be. You are Tad.
I know what you look like.
- Nice to meet you, Mr. Futch.
- Henry, for God's sake.
- Please, come in.
- Thank you.
- Rosie'll be down in a minute.
- OK, great.
May I offer you a chocolate martini?
- Wow, look at that.
- I hear they're very big out your way.
Yeah? Yeah, I guess they are.
I'm driving, so...
Attaboy.
Have a seat.
So, it looks like
Emperor's New Clothes
will top $100 mill in domestic BO.
Yeah.
And Quantum Studios, I think
they're looking to vertically integrate,
either by buying a web or a weblet.
Could be.
Yes. Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- I see you've met Dad.
- Yeah. We've been talking shop.
So what do you want to do tonight?
- Do you guys have a movie theater?
- The Warner.
lt's part of
the Loews family of theaters.
- Have you seen King Arthur of Britain?
- "ve been wanting to.
You two enjoy yourselves.
Have her back by dawn.
And no cocaine.
No, sir.
- How was l?
- You were great, Daddy.
- Good night.
- Bye-bye.
- Im telling you, that's him.
- Oh, yeah.
- Mom, I swear it's him.
- You think so?
Yes, it's Tad Hamilton.
You look so sad there.
Give me a break.
I'd just lost my wife and my goat.
Next week, on a very special
Paramedic Rescue...
And what were your respective ages?
- I was 12 and she was 30.
- Did your mother know?
Yeah.
Hasta el proximo miercoles.
Ahora disponsible en viernes
in super mercado.
So, what do people do at this point
in the evening in Fraziers Bottom?
- Well, they go to the diner.
- We could do that.
We haven't eaten anything
in almost, what, 15 minutes.
- Or they go home.
- It is a school night.
Of course, if it were a date,
we might go to the Watergap Overlook.
And what do people do there?
They park.
And then?
And then they marvel at what
a feat of engineering the gap is.
But this isn't a date.
We can't do that.
- No.
- No.
I don't want to do anything
to harm the friendship.
Me neither.
Over two trillion tons of water
pass through the gap every hour.
That's enough water
to float a battleship.
Or put out every fire in West Virginia.
- No kidding.
- Uh-oh.
Excuse me.
Huh.
- Hello.
- Hi, Mr. Futch. lt's Pete.
Hiya, Pete. Rosie's not here.
She's out with Tad Hamilton.
Really? I hadn't...
OK, cool. Good for her, then.
He seems like a very nice guy.
He does. A lovely, lovely guy.
So, like, where did they go?
- The movies.
- The movies. OK.
It looks like the seven o'clock
would get out at 8.45, 8.50...
or so someone happened
to just mention to me in passing.
So I guess that would
put them out and about
and onto their next activity.
I guess it would, Pete.
I'll leave Rosie a note that you called.
Yeah, I just had
a little inventory question.
A little dairy-case query.
But we can clear that up tomorrow.
OK, Pete. Goodbye.
All right.
Rosie...
Could I see
your driver's license and regis...
- Yikes-a-bee.
- Hello, Officer.
- Rosalee?
- Hi, Tom.
Hi. Wow.
- Oh, boy.
- OK, then.
We heard you were in town,
Mr. Hamilton.
- Did you?
- Pretty fond of our Rosalee there, huh?
Yes. Yes, I am, Officer.
- Tom?
- Right, right, listen.
We got a call saying
that there was someone parked here
and you know
it's illegal after sunset, so...
- You got a call at this hour?
- Yeah.
From who, a raccoon?
Never mind.
I am going to kill Pete, bring him
back to life and then kill him again.
Calm down. Calm down.
- Why aren't you upset?
- Because it doesn't matter.
OK?
What happened here tonight
was a force of nature.
Two people set out to be friends,
but nature would have none of it.
Nature wanted them to be more.
And nature is going
to want that tomorrow.
What did I tell you?
What did I tell you about your
carnal treasure?
- You said to guard it.
- I said, guard it.
And what did you do?
You practically chucked it at him.
You're acting like it was a sleazy night.
It wasn't. It was classy.
lt's not like he took you to the movies
and then felt you up in his car.
The evening evolved, Pete.
My God, did he actually say that?
It started as two friends
going to the movies...
- And it evolved into dry humping.
- He fought it.
He didn't want to do anything
that might wreck the friendship.
Wow. Did he actually...
I can't believe he used that line.
- And I can't believe you bought it.
- lt's not a line.
OK, fellas, a show of hands.
Who here has used some form
of the "don't want to harm
the friendship" line?
- Father Newell?
- Well, prior to my enfrockment.
Rosie, what are Tad's pectorals
like to the touch?
Are they warm yet firm like...
- Cath, that's really not helping now.
- Sorry, got caught up.
Thanks. Listen, Rosie, just...
Listen to me, bottom line.
Tad Hamilton is an actor, OK?
How do you know
that he's not acting with you?
- He's not acting.
- No.
He is. He's playing a role.
The role of Hollywood bad boy
trying to find virtue.
OK, after you guys have...
After you guys have been
together a couple of times
he's out of here, OK?
You will never see him again.
Hey, Rosie, guess what?
I bought a house.
I bought a house.
Can you believe it? Can you believe it?
lt's actually a farm with a house
and a silo for my wheat.
- Really? You bought a house.
- I bought a house.
We're putting down roots, baby.
- What do you think of that?
- lt's good.
Come see it. Maybe after work?
- I'd love to.
- Yeah, I'd love to.
Great.
He's going to stay in the motel
while he fixes up the farm.
- He's a farmer all of a sudden?
- I think he'll be a good farmer.
He's from Malibu, California.
The only thing they grow there
are breasts.
Could you smile a little bit?
- This means nothing.
- You are unbelievable.
What? Rosie, people like this
buy houses all the time.
- lt's called a tax shelter.
- Peter.
I can guarantee you
that by the end of today
Tad's farm and his house
and his fricking wheat
will be right back on the market.
Why? What are you going to do?
Nothing. You know,
just be a good neighbor.
Howdy.
- Tad, this place is unbelievable.
- Thanks, little lady.
This barn sits on what they call
"the south 40."
Yeah. Im not sure exactly
how many acres that is, but
I'm going to guess that's a lot.
I'm going to guess 40.
Oh, yeah. Could be.
Tad, being a new farm owner and all,
I know you'll probably get some people
to run this place for you, but...
hell, I'd be happy to show you
a couple of everyday farm chores.
Really? Pete, that would be great.
Thank you.
Tad, that's not a problem.
What you're going to do here
is grab on to one of the...
essentially one of the nipples,
and just pull it firmly but gently
towards the pail.
You're going to freak out a...
Mmm, look at all that creamy milk.
That a girl, Arleen. That a girl.
- You are making old Tad thirsty.
- Where'd you learn to do that?
Pete, you remember my remake
of The Grapes of Wrath?
OK, so, the trick is
to take a full swing
so as to split the log in one swift...
stroke.
OK.
Yeah. Let's do this.
So, you work out?
- No.
- Yeah, me neither.
I know, it's like... Me neither.
OK. lt's just basically
one swift stroke.
OK. And sometimes, basically,
you get a bad piece of wood. Basically.
And sometimes you don't.
That's good. Beginner's luck.
First time's the charm.
And the luck continues.
That's great for you, man.
Did you ever see a movie I did called
A Man Named Jackson?
If it came out, Tad,
then I saw it.
I think the ax is actually broken.
You got it. Good.
Get someone else to cry,
because I don't cry.
I don't do that.
Which is why I try to stay away
from melodramas.
Oh, my God. I finally did it.
People, are you watching this? Rosie.
- Pete.
- Hey, Tad.
- Hey.
- Can I talk to you for a sec?
Yeah, sure.
- Forgive the intrusion, but...
- No, no. Please, fire away.
OK. Here it is.
You win, OK?
Fair and square.
- You win.
- Thank you.
You did have an advantage
or two going in, but...
Excuse me, we're in the middle
of something here.
Yeah, no problem.
I want Rosie to be happy.
So, I got to ask you
a couple of questions.
Do you know how long she keeps her hair
in straight or in curly mode?
What?
Or why her favorite necklace
has a starfish clasp?
No.
Do you even know
that she has six different smiles?
- She has six smiles?
- Yeah.
One when something
flat out makes her laugh.
One when she's laughing
out of politeness.
But there's one when she makes plans.
One when she makes fun of herself.
One when she's uncomfortable.
And one when...
One when she's talking
about her friends.
- I don't know those things yet, Pete.
- No, you don't, Tad.
I'm telling you, she is more of...
a treasure than you can possibly know.
She's not just some
wholesome small-town girl,
some good-for-you breath of fresh air.
Tad, she is a wonderful person
with a huge heart.
Yeah.
And the kind of beauty that a guy
only sees once, you know? Once.
Listen, Tad, if there is even a chance
that you could break her heart,
please, just, for her sake...
walk away, man.
I could never break Rosalee's heart. OK?
Good. Because if you do, I swear to God,
I will tear you to pieces
with my bare hands.
Or vicious rhetoric.
You're a good guy, Pete.
But it's apparently not good enough.
- Do you mind if l...
- Yeah, no. My bad.
Finish up in here. Im sorry.
You're a good kisser.
But I guess it doesn't come
as a shock to you to hear that.
You're a really good kisser.
- Even compared to Hollywood girls?
- Mm-hmm.
That's just ridiculous.
Oh, Tad Hamilton.
Your favorite people are here.
- You got to be kidding me.
- Who is it?
- Guess who?
- lt's my agent and my manager.
Taddy? Tadala.
- This is a nightmare.
- Housekeeping.
Let us in.
- Hey, Tad.
- I'd like to apologize for...
Open zee zleibenshlocken.
Come on.
You're not going to be Punk'd.
- Fellas.
- Tad Edward Hamilton.
- Howdy, little lady.
- Hi.
My manager, Richard Levy
and my agent, Richard Levy.
You're both named Richard Levy?
Who isn't?
You.
- You must be Rosalee.
- Yes.
- Did we come at a bad time?
- I hope so.
Actually, yes.
Well, Tad.
Jimmy lng stopped breathing.
- What?
- You got the part, pal.
Seems he saw something that
reminded him that he had to have you.
- It was the body of your work.
- I knew it.
Your credits.
The reality of you and who you are.
He called me and said,
"Who am I kidding?
"Tad Hamilton has to play this part."
There's nobody else.
Fellas, I have never felt better
than I do at this moment.
Except for that weekend in Cabo.
That is exactly
what I am talking about.
Easy, "ve got a bad back.
That's exactly what Im talking about.
I told you a little good career news
would put your head back on straight.
- So then you're leaving?
- Yes.
Fittings Monday and rehearsals Tuesday.
You're back on the beam, pally.
Boy, things happen fast.
Oh, my God.
- You're right.
- No, it's fine.
- Im going to turn it down.
- What?
- What?
- You are?
I came here vowing
to change my priorities
and at the first opportunity
Im abandoning that.
You're not going to turn down the part.
We both know that.
- Give us a minute, will you, fellas?
- We'll be in the lobby.
I wonder if they have
a masseuse on staff.
- I want you to go with me.
- What?
- What?
- She absolutely cannot go with him.
I won't take the part
unless you come me.
Although we could work something out.
- Really?
- Yes, really.
Rosie, have you been listening
to anything "ve been telling you?
I love you.
How many times in your life
have you said that?
- Not counting the movies?
- Not counting.
I've said it a few times.
But...
But I never knew what it meant.
I can't go with you, Tad.
Because you don't love me.
You maybe want to love me,
but I think what you love right now
is the idea of me.
You can't love someone
for what they stand for or seem to be.
You have to love them for their details,
for the things that are
true of them and only them.
- I do love you for your details, Rosie.
- You don't.
You couldn't possibly.
You don't even know what they are.
- You have six smiles.
- What?
You have six smiles.
Did you know that?
One when something
really makes you laugh.
And one when you're just
laughing out of politeness.
One when you're making plans
and one when
you're making fun of yourself.
One when you're uncomfortable
and one when...
One when you're talking
about your friends.
- How many is that?
- Like 50.
I told you. I told you.
That is so much better
than any speech from any of your movies.
I had a better writer.
So...
Will you go?
Yes.
He's going back to Cali,
to Cali, to Cali.
- What are you thinking?
- Nothing. Im done thinking.
If Im making a huge mistake,
I don't want to know.
You're not making a mistake.
You know, as a bartender
you do learn to kind of recognize
those customers who need to talk.
Angelica, Im fine.
But could I have, like, six more of these?
No, Pete. You really need to talk.
OK.
I think that our friend Rosie...
might be falling in love
with Tad Hamilton.
Yeah, didn't have to be a bartender
to see that one coming.
Right, but the problem with that is...
that Im in love with Rosie.
You know, I always thought
that maybe you were.
So how much do you love her?
Is it love, is it big love
or is it great love?
What do you mean?
Love you get over in two months.
Big love, two years.
And great love...
- Yeah?
- Great love changes your life.
Oh, my God.
lt's great love.
lsn't that great?
You got to win her back.
Angelica, trust me,
I have tried everything.
What did she say
when you told her that you love her?
Well, actually,
maybe not everything, but...
What did she say when you kissed her?
OK, maybe it's more like
two things I haven't tried.
Well, what have you tried?
I have very unsubtly
implied how I feel about her.
- OK, get up.
- What?
- Get your ass off the barstool.
- Angelica.
Hey, if you feel it and you don't do
everything in your power to reach for it
you are basically
slapping life in the face.
I hate to break it to you,
but I don't stand a chance here, OK?
As my father told me when I said
I'd never get that job in a bar:
"Honey, your odds go up
when you file an application."
Sure, but Im up against...
Tad Hamilton.
You are Tad Hamilton.
- What?
- Don't you see?
Everybody's Tad Hamilton
to somebody, Pete.
Rosalee's Tad Hamilton to you.
And you're Tad Hamilton to me.
Angelica, thank you.
So start acting like it.
OK.
Yeah, OK.
You are a really good bartender.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Come in, come in.
I have something to talk to you about.
- Me, too.
- Really? You go first.
- No, you go first.
- No.
- Seriously, you go first.
- OK.
Tad got a part in this huge movie
and he asked me to go with him
to California for the shoot.
We leave tomorrow afternoon.
lsn't that great?
I probably should've gone first.
Why? What were you going to say?
lt's nothing. It was nothing.
Just, you know, travel safely, OK?
And just really enjoy the shoot.
Actually, no, I remember
what I was going to say.
I love you, Rosie.
I always have.
If "ve been a jerk this last week,
it's because I have been fighting.
I have been fighting for you.
I don't want to lose you
to Tad Hamilton or anyone else.
You're the one.
So, any reaction to any of this?
Because now would be an excellent time.
Now? You kiss me now?
You say this to me now,
after 22 years of being my friend?
Yes, to all questions.
I'm...
I have to pack.
You're telling me that you can't answer
the most important question
I'll ever ask in my entire life
because you have to pack?
Not only do I have to pack, but I have
a load of whites in the dryer,
and my dad called my relatives
from San Clemente
and they're expecting me, so..
it's all in the works.
But this is...
Rosie, what's in your heart?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
- You OK, Pete?
- Yes, sir.
Listen, Pete, obviously
we've all been a little seduced
by Tad Hamilton's presence.
No one more so than me.
But that doesn't mean I don't know
who cares about my daughter the most
and who she would be with
if the world were fair.
- Well, it's not.
- No. No, it's not.
When I was your age I was completely
in love with Eleanor Hershey.
Of the chocolate Hersheys?
The Hershey chocolates?
She was a great girl,
completely unpretentious.
I actually met her
filling her Cadillac up with gas.
Anyway, there was this French guy.
He was really rich.
He owned, like, France.
I didn't stand a chance.
It happens that way sometimes.
It shouldn't, but it does.
Sometimes Goliath
kicks the shit out of David.
lt's just nobody bothers
to tell that story.
Well, thanks, Mr. Futch.
I feel much better now.
- Goodbye, Mr. Futch.
- Take it easy, Pete.
Are you sure you know what you're doing?
No.
Ever feel more confused or alone?
No.
Have a nice flight.
So, we'll see you
after principal photography.
Yes, Daddy.
You guys don't mind not flying with us?
We need our privacy.
- That's fine.
- Yeah.
We look forward
to our shit-ass commercial flight.
I always wanted
a layover in Cincinnati.
- We will be absolutely fine.
- Another one in Chicago.
So we'll be in LA by April?
We'll be fine.
- lt's time.
- OK.
- Safe trip, Tad.
- Bye, honey.
- Welcome aboard, Mr. Hamilton.
- Bye.
- Miss?
- Thank you.
Stop it. Stop it.
What's the matter with you?
Come on.
Commercial isn't so bad.
There's got to be room for one more.
Will you pull yourself together?
Thank you.
Would you like a Vicodin?
Jimmy, being
in your movie is a privilege.
In fact, it's more than a privilege.
lt's a real privilege.
Can l... Do you mind if I call you back
in a few minutes?
OK, thank you, sir.
- You OK?
- Mm-hmm.
I'm just a little nervous
for some reason.
I have a little nervous feeling
in my... self.
- But that's only natural, right?
- Yeah.
This is a pretty huge thing Im doing.
Kind of a great leap of faith.
But I have that faith in you.
So Im fine. lt's going to be great.
- Good.
- Can't you tell by my smile?
Which one is it?
- What?
- What number smile is it?
lt's...
Wait, it was one.
No, one was when something
really made me laugh.
- Right?
- One and a half.
Rosie...
I didn't know about your six smiles.
Pete told me about them.
He made me swear
I wasn't going to break your heart,
or he would tear me to pieces,
either with his bare hands
or his rhetoric.
I stole the speech from Pete
to get you to come here with me.
I lied. And Im sorry.
And I know you're going to be
very upset. I just...
- Pete told you about the six smiles?
- Yeah.
And made you swear
that you wouldn't break my heart?
Or he'd tear you to pieces, with either
his bare hands or his rhetoric?
Yeah.
That is just so...
adorable.
What?
Do you think it's possible
to love someone your whole life
and never really realize it
until something happens
that makes you see?
- What's that from?
- No, it's not from anything.
I'm just saying it to you.
Wow.
Man, what a week.
Fell in love for the first time,
got my heart broken for the first time,
was honorable for the first time.
Got bit in the ass for being
honorable for the first time.
Bought a farm.
I'm sorry about the broken-heart part.
Do you think
you could take me home now?
Yeah.
Thank you.
- Cathy.
- Rosie?
- Where's Pete?
- He's not here. What are you doing?
What do you mean?
He's always here. He's Pete.
No. He didn't come in today.
Can I borrow your car?
Yes.
Thank you.
Pete. Pete.
Not Pete.
Wow.
I'm just here because Pete
asked me to box up some stuff.
- Why? Where's he going?
- Richmond.
And he isn't going.
He's gone.
He's gone to Richmond?
Why?
I cannot believe I am taking
my work home with me.
When great love is rejected, Rosalee,
something inside a man dies.
So all he can do is run away,
where he can meet the girl
he'll love second most.
- Unless...
- Unless what?
Unless you can get to him
before he closes the book on you.
But once it's closed, it's closed.
lt's finished. lt's gone, dead.
lt's crushed. lt's beaten. lt's buried.
It is lost for all of time in a sea...
- Angelica.
- OK, yeah.
I owe you.
Go.
If you've been dumped,
give us a call on late-night talk.
Let's go to line one.
Scott, you're on...
What? Pass me.
Pete. Pete.
- Are you OK?
- Yeah. No...
No, I meant to do that.
You have five smiles, Pete.
One when you think someone's an idiot.
One when you think
someone's really an idiot.
One when you're getting all dressed up.
One when you're singing Barry White.
And one...
when you're looking at me.
For all you lovers out there,
this one's for you.
I can't believe
Im going to say this, but...
would you like to dance?