1
When I was a kid,
my brother and I used to
pretend we were heroes with swords.
We were the only ones
who could save the day.
But perhaps we set
the bar a little bit high.
Maybe we're just regular people.
The ones who get saved.
Dad?
What's your password?
What?
I said, what's your password?
Dad!
I have no fucking idea!
Swear jar.
Fuck the swear jar.
- Aidan.
- I'm sorry, but fuck the swear jar.
That word means sex. You're gonna
have sex with the swear jar?
Okay, Tucker, that's enough, honey.
The code's 1234. What are you doing?
The swear jar is full. Look at it.
The swear jar is all the money
we have to send you to college,
so you should be happy I curse.
I heard you, Dad.
Rabbi Perlman says that cursing
is for the simple-minded.
Well, Rabbi Perlman's
breath is so bad,
it makes God question why he even
bothered creating the universe.
Rabbi Perlman's
praying and God's like,
"Please stop, Perlman.
You're welcome.
"You're welcome!"
Well, if you can curse, then we all
can curse. Is that what you want?
- Fine.
- No!
Grace is not gonna curse.
Fuckhead.
Wow!
- Gracie!
- Whoa!
Mom, Dad said that the other day
when someone stole his parking spot.
I did say that, babe,
but he was a fuckhead.
He was in a yellow Hummer.
Who drives a yellow Hummer?
What, is he going to war on the sun?
Dad, we need this car.
We are not getting an Aston Martin.
But for the next minute only,
you can curse.
Then, hairy balls.
Okay. Come on, guys.
Up, up, up. Seat belts.
Tucker! Yarmulke. Tzitzit.
Oh, come on. What is
wrong with you, man?
Get it together.
I was thinking about
that Aston Martin.
Stop thinking about that car.
It's time to start thinking
about the plight of the Jews.
- What does "plight" mean?
- I have no idea.
Ask the rabbis. That's what
we're paying them for.
Aidan, you have to talk
to your father today.
He still hasn't paid
this semester's tuition.
I hate talking to him about money.
When was it due?
Months ago.
Okay, and they're threatening
to kick the kids out of school
if they don't get a check
by the end of this week.
Maybe it's time we put
them in public school.
- No!
- Yay!
Oh, no, no, no, we're not
putting them in the public school.
I'll talk to him today, okay?
Avoid the rabbis if you see them.
I always do!
- Bye, Mom!
- Bye, baby.
Bye!
Bye, sweetie.
You need help gearing
up back there, Yentl?
Don't call me Yentl.
You can call me Yentl.
I love that movie.
I know. I know.
The boys get to do all the
cool things to honor HaShem,
and I won't get to do anything
remotely cool until I buy my sheitel.
Sheitel? What's that again?
It's a modesty wig.
So, when I get married,
I'll shave my head
and wear a wig for
the rest of my life.
That way only my husband
will find me pretty.
No offense, but that's the weirdest
tradition I've ever heard of.
And it wouldn't even work on
you because you're so pretty
that you'd look even
prettier with a shaved head.
So, it would defeat
the whole purpose.
- Bye, Dad.
- Bye.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Hey, guys.
Tucker. Come here. Drill.
I knew it.
I told you. Drill stays at home.
Thank you.
Now go be Jewish.
Why? It's so boring.
I have no idea. Ask the rabbis.
Shalom.
I got it right here.
Oh, come on.
Sorry, just give me a second!
Shalom, Mr. Bloom.
Hey, Rabbi Rosenberg.
Mr. Bloom, Rabbi Twersky
would like to see you in his
office if you have a moment.
Oh, you know, today I can't.
Today, believe it or not,
a moment is something
I just don't have.
I'm gonna have to take a rain check.
Speaking of rain, as you know,
every year to celebrate the
holiday of Tu Bishevat,
we ask the children to donate money
to have a tree planted in Israel.
Yeah, I heard about that, Rabbi.
But when you think
about it, how many trees
do they really need over there?
I feel like Israel is
pretty good on trees.
Which is why, Mr. Bloom,
we encourage the children to plant
a seedling in their own backyard.
You never picked up
your seedling, Mr. Bloom.
Oh, no, no, I'm fine.
Oh, there it is. Okay. Thank you.
Just try not to smoke it.
Clever.
Baruch Hashem.
Yes, bless God. Bless everybody.
I ask you, sir. How many
bangs did Jesus hear?
This entire case is
dependent on your testimony
that on the night of January 7th...
This shit is horrible.
In college, I did Othello.
We all did.
Yup.
Aidan, Paul.
Can I just speak to you both
here for a quick second?
Yeah, sure. Hey, Terry.
Uh... Didn't your agents call you?
We've decided to go
African-American with the role.
Oh. You've got to be kidding me, man.
I've been memorizing this all week.
Does he have to be
a dark black person?
What if he were light-skinned?
Uh...
I'm sorry, guys.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about Ortega?
Ortega, there's a guy on
the witness stand, Ortega.
He's an older Hispanic man.
Hola, seor.
I am on the witness stand
and I only heard one bang.
Uno bang.
There was only one uno bang.
Not three. Uno.
Aidan, please tell me you're not
trying to be an older Hispanic man.
I'm just trying to show
you my range, man.
I really, really need a part.
I'm sorry, guys, all right?
If it's any consolation,
I thought you were Hispanic.
- Gracias.
- De nada.
Fuck!
Oh, yeah, do me like that.
Come on, harder, harder! Oh, yeah.
Catch you at a bad time?
Dad, what the hell?
Trouble in the bedroom, Aidan?
Men have man needs.
Those man needs need to be met.
Well, Sarah doesn't really care
about my man needs right now, Dad.
We have a lot going on.
So, you're taking things into
your own hands, so to speak.
Hilarious. Why haven't you
paid the yeshiva tuition, Dad?
I have aggro rabbis
stalking me in crosswalks.
It's like an Orthodox zombie movie.
We need to talk. But can you
please clean yourself up first?
I can't talk to you with
your pants at your ankles.
Fine.
Kugel, no. Kugel!
Sorry.
I know you can't stand the dog.
He's usually so well trained.
If you trained that dog to
piss everywhere but the lawn,
then you did an incredible job.
Pool looks good.
What are you growing,
typhoid or hepatitis?
What's going on with the fence?
You have a nice little slice
of Mumbai back here, Aidan.
The yard has been this
way since we moved in.
Are you gonna comment on
it every time you see it?
I haven't gotten a decent check
since I did that dandruff commercial.
Ironically, you still have dandruff.
What is going on with
the tuition checks, Dad?
We had a deal.
You said you'd cover it
as long as you got to pick the school.
And you did.
You have your indoctrinated,
little religious grandchildren.
You cannot make me hound
you for these checks.
The cancer's back, Aidan.
I didn't want to worry
you till I knew for sure.
- But now you do.
- Now I do.
And it's pretty bad.
How bad is "pretty bad"?
It's metastasized
from my lungs, spreading.
Oh, my God.
Found this place out in Malibu.
Treats your own stem
cells and then injects
them right back into you.
Good as new.
But I'm going to have
to pay out of pocket.
So...
So, I can't afford the
school anymore, Aidan.
I'm down to my last savings and
I decided to spend it on this.
So, you win.
My father has cancer, my children
have to drop out of school,
and I don't have a job.
How could I possibly be winning?
God works in mysterious ways.
This is particularly mysterious.
Oh, one more thing.
I'm gonna be laid up for a while.
I'm gonna need you to watch Kugel.
Oh! There's so much
bad news all at once.
What do we do?
What do you mean, "What do we do?"
We move forward.
It's the only direction God gave us.
Hi, sweetie.
Noah!
I know you're in there.
I can hear you trolling.
Noah, I'm not leaving!
Go away!
Dude, I drove all the way out here.
Open the fucking door.
What's the password?
Um... Is it,
"Your father's dying and
I need to talk to you"?
I knew that was it.
Sunlight, Noah. Noah, sunlight.
Is Dad really dying again or
are you just crying wolf?
It's all over his body, Noah.
The wolf is here.
Kugel, no!
No, no, no, don't stop him.
I can't stand that fucking guy.
Get over here. Kugel!
Lie down.
Your can looks good.
You know when you make
fun of my trailer, Aidan,
you're making fun of
my inheritance from Mom.
She wanted me to live how I choose.
And to be free to pursue
the goals that I have.
And what are those goals?
I thought you were gonna, like,
develop an iPhone app or something.
No, no, fuck apps. Fuck apps.
It's a saturated market.
I'm gonna start blogging.
Look, I have two problems and one,
I think you might be
able to help me with.
- What?
- Kugel.
- Fuck off.
- Dude, I can't raise two kids
and go on auditions and
take care of this dog.
Absolutely not.
Are you kidding me?
This is our father.
Our father. You have
to rally with me.
Oh. Okay. So,
when you get old and sick,
everybody's just supposed to
forget that you were an asshole?
I know he's not easy.
Trust me, no one knows
that better than me.
What's the other one?
What?
You said that there were
two problems, Aidan.
I will help you with the
one that's not that dog.
The other one is that
he's gonna try an
experimental treatment now,
and he can't afford to send the
kids to the yeshiva anymore.
Well, it sounds like you
really got your hands full.
Live long and prosper.
- Are you serious?
- I gotta get back to work.
A blogger never rests.
Don't you dare leave that dog.
...as he searches for his first love.
What a beautiful tortoise.
Can I say something that's
probably gonna piss you off?
I can't wait.
Why don't you homeschool them?
Are you kidding me?
What are we, Amish?
I've been looking online and there's
a whole new movement out there.
Cities that public
schools are suffering,
some parents are
considering other options.
Dad, can we buy drugs
at our public school?
What?
Uncle Noah said he used to buy
drugs at his public school.
No, man, that was the '90s.
This is LA. There's a weed
pharmacy on every corner.
All you need is 50
bucks and a headache.
- Honey, don't tell him that.
- If you're implying
you want me to give up acting,
you should just say it.
I think you should give up acting.
I will not give up acting.
We can't afford private school,
you're afraid of public school.
It's the middle of the school year.
You want to just drop these two
little indoctrinated matzo balls
into a school that's ranked
last in the district?
I agree with you,
but what's your plan, Dad?
Grace, what's the Hebrew
word for charity again?
Tzedakah.
Tzedakah.
Mr. Bloom, Baruch Hashem.
Please have a seat.
Do you ever watch these YouTubes?
YouTube? Yes, I've seen YouTube.
This kitten will not allow his
brother to sleep, no matter what.
You know kittens,
they're always doing something.
Mr. Bloom, please,
can I help you today?
Well, Rabbi, as I'm sure you know,
my father has been paying
our tuition here at Hillel.
Unfortunately, he's taken ill
and he can no longer afford
to cover us anymore.
Oh, yes, I've been
counseling your father.
I am deeply sorry about his illness.
Thank you.
I hope you're not withdrawing
the children from this school.
That's the thing.
We could only afford to
go here with his help.
Ah, yes. You're the actor.
- Yes.
- Uh-huh.
And your wife provides for the family
while you act.
Yes.
But I was hoping that
you might consider
giving us a little
tzedakah.
A tzedakah.
Mr. Bloom, if you want
to buy a gallon of milk
when you only have enough
money for a glass of milk,
you must first take that
money from somewhere else.
So, maybe you decided that
this week you will give up honey.
I'm not a honey guy, but go on.
If I give you charity,
I must take away funds from
one of the several families
to whom we currently
provide assistance.
Families who actually
need the assistance.
Not just someone who's made
a choice to be an actor
and thusly cannot
provide for his family.
But what about my dream?
I mean, doesn't God believe
in my pursuit of happiness?
No! That's the Declaration
of Independence.
Thomas Jefferson cared
about your happiness.
God wants you to provide
for your family, Mr. Bloom.
God believes your family
deserves both milk and honey.
Well, thank you.
Thank you.
I'm sorry to interrupt, Rabbi.
I'm sorry to interrupt
everyone. Grace!
Tucker, wake up!
Grace, Tucker, come on.
Put a wiggle in it. Come on.
Let's go, please. So sorry,
everyone. It's beautiful.
Shalom. Sayonara. Keep it real.
But I don't want to leave school.
I like it there.
And what about all my friends?
You'll make new friends, okay?
Better friends.
It's a horrible idea.
You don't know anything.
What are you gonna teach them?
How to do the acting?
There's websites, Dad. There's books.
It's only till the end of
the semester. We'll be fine.
You're burdening them
with your fears.
Just 'cause you got beat up in the
public school doesn't mean they will.
You got beat up?
- No. No.
- Oh, yes.
Tell them the truth.
They picked on him.
With his Dungeons & Dragons
and scientific-fiction movies.
I got in one fight.
You marry a half-Jew, you provide
your children with absolutely
no sense of spirituality or
faith in a higher power.
Now, for dessert,
you spoon-feed them all your fears.
It's a mess, Aidan.
Sweetie, look at the
outfit I got you today.
How cute is this?
I'm not wearing that.
Really?
I thought it was so cute and...
Mom, do my clothes embarrass you?
No. No.
Really, honey, they don't.
No, I want you to be
whoever you want to be.
"Whomever."
Whomever.
Then why do you want me to dress
like I'm on the Disney Channel?
I just thought that since
you're not going to yeshiva
that you might want to try
something more colorful.
What do you think?
I think that...
That God is testing
my faith right now.
And I probably shouldn't
make any drastic changes.
I'm sorry, Mom.
No, don't be sorry. It's fine.
It's fine. Let's just
forget about it.
It's silly of me.
I'm gonna pray that God
helps Dad get a job and...
Mmm. Yeah.
...that Uncle Noah's
anti-depressants start to work.
And that you get happy, too.
I'm happy, sweetie.
Mom, no, you're not.
I know you're a hermit
and everything,
but if you don't stop that
fucking dog from barking,
I am going to roll your
trailer off the cliff.
Kugel, shut the fuck up!
Why are you wearing Muppet pants?
They're not Muppet pants.
I'm working on my
outfit for Comic-Con.
Are you a Furry?
I hate that term.
I'm a character designer
of full-size plush toys.
So you're a Furry.
Do you ever leave this trailer?
Are you always so abrasive?
Well, does your trailer
always smell like
the Burger King himself ate Grimace
and then shit him out all
over your living room?
Grimace is in Ronald
McDonald's posse.
Originally introduced in
November 1971 as "Evil Grimace."
You're mixing up your
fast-food character lore.
The fact that you know that
has told me everything I
need to know about you.
You know, when your
brother was six years old,
we thought something
was wrong with him.
I remember a psychologist at school
gave him this battery of tests.
When they come out, she says,
"He's not disabled. He's a genius."
I remember strutting around and I was
going about my business thinking,
"I'm the father of a genius."
Do you have any idea
how much pride I felt?
A lot.
I imagined us working together side
by side at the university one day.
High hopes.
Why is it that whenever we're alone,
all you want to talk about is Noah?
I can't even have a conversation
with him. I say hello, he says,
"How do you say
hello to me like that?"
Do you mind if I pick you
up after your treatment?
I have an audition that
I really want to go to.
This auditioning, when are
you gonna give that up?
I don't know, Dad. But not yet.
Well, you can hardly call
yourself head of the household.
- Thank you.
- I know it's 2014.
In my time, men would rather die
than let his wife work
her fingers to the bone
while he clowns around.
Okay, "clowns around."
You're forgetting
something that's very important,
and that is that Sarah loves her job.
She is living her dream.
Sometimes when I forget
to wear my underpants,
I get, like,
these little half-boners.
You know, like, aspirational boners.
"Someday I'm gonna grow up and
I'm gonna be a full-on boner."
Hmm. "Just have to work hard enough."
That was the half-boner talking.
I was doing his voice.
I figured that out, Jerry.
Can you please stop talking?
'Cause I have a
shit-ton of work to do.
And I, um, appreciate it.
Want a back massage?
Will you please shut the fuck up?
You're so fucking inappropriate.
This is not a frat house, Jerry.
It is a place of business.
Whoa. Easy, Jane Fonda.
Just trying to have some fun at work.
Believe it or not, I don't
want to know about your dick.
Well, my dick doesn't want
to know about you, either.
- Good.
- How's that?
Yeah. So now we're ignoring you.
Hi, Jesse.
Hi, Grace.
How come you're not in school?
Bomb scare. What about you?
We're gonna be homeschooled.
Are you Amish?
No, we're Jewish.
But we just can't afford
private school anymore.
But I thought Jews ran Hollywood.
I thought so, too.
Maybe we're in the wrong
tribe or something.
Anyway, it's just till the end of the year.
I'm gonna go to Roosevelt
for seventh grade.
- Me, too!
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Cool.
Hey, um, so my sister always has
this big end-of-the-year pool party.
It's usually pretty awesome.
Do you want to come?
No, thank you. I never
learned how to swim.
And I don't even have a bathing suit.
Why not?
Well, God says that a woman's
supposed to keep her body covered up.
Okay, well, I guess you got a few
months if you change your mind, so...
Right. Cool.
Yeah. Okay, well, I'll see you later.
Yeah. See ya.
Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye, Jesse.
Okay, good morning, students.
- Good morning.
- Goodbye.
Okay, we'll start with attendance.
- Grace.
- Here!
And Too-ker?
This is boring already.
Oh. We'll take that as a "here."
Okay, I wanna focus on what
you're doing in school.
Grace, what are you currently
working on in school?
Geometry.
Geometry, geometry
This is the song for geometry
Okay, who knows what this guy is?
- Triangle!
- Great!
No extra points for yelling,
but you are correct.
Yay, recess!
No, no, no, no recess. Back, back,
back, no recess. Thank you.
And can you please sit on
your ass and not your head?
An ass is a donkey.
That's correct.
You get an A in biology.
- Dad?
- Yes.
I'm in honors math.
We're learning things like supplementary
and complimentary angles,
determining the area of a
three-dimensional shape, circumferences.
I know all that, Grace.
We're starting with...
We're starting with some
of the basic stuff,
and then going to the
good stuff, you know?
You go see Sting in concert,
he's not gonna just jump
into The Police songs.
You're gonna have to
hear a couple hours of
some wacky stuff with the dizzery-do.
Dad, I have to take a choom.
What's a choom?
It's how we say "shit" in school.
- Swear jar!
- I don't have any money.
See, that's where the whole swear
jar thing falls apart for me.
I'm the only one
putting money into it.
It's Hebrew for "brown."
Oh.
Got it!
You are free to leave the
classroom for your brown. Enjoy.
Grace, is this triangle
complimentary?
Or is it one of those
supplementary guys?
A triangle can't be
complimentary or supplementary.
Only the angles that comprise
it can be judged that way.
Right. Good. Good, exactly.
The triangle that you drew,
albeit poorly, is isosceles,
meaning that at least two of
its sides are equal in length.
Right.
So, for example,
what angle is complimentary
to a 45-degree angle?
Well, if they're gonna add up to 90,
it would be a 45-degree angle.
- Correct.
- Yes!
Good. Now for a
supplementary angle...
- Hey! Hey!
- Tucker!
What are you doing, man?
We're in the middle of a lesson.
I lied about having to choom, Dad.
I just wanted to kill the triangle.
No! Well, turn it off.
We are in the middle of school.
This isn't fun time.
I was pretending
the triangle was Arab.
What? Oh, my God. Who told you that?
Not all Arabs are bad.
Levi Goldfarb said all
Arabs want to kill Jews.
Well, Levi Goldfarb is wrong.
That's not true at all.
Well, how do we know
which ones are bad?
It's complicated,
and I didn't know we were
gonna get there on day one,
but, um, for starters
there's al-Qaeda.
The black weatherman?
No, that's Al Roker.
Al Roker wants to kill Jews?
No, buddy, he's very good
friends with Matt Lauer.
I'm pretty sure he's Jewish.
We'll Google it.
Grace is the teacher?
Yes, Grace is the
teacher for the minute.
Grace is so boring!
- Don't say that.
- No, I'm not!
I want to be the teacher!
Okay, you can be.
What do you want to teach us?
- How to be an idiot.
- Don't say that.
I am not an idiot!
And you're in love with Jesse.
- No, she's not.
- No, I'm not!
Then why did you write his
name all over your notebook?
You wrote his name all
over your notebook?
- What is wrong with you?
- Yeah, you know what?
- That is my notebook!
- You should not look in her notebook.
Jesse's gonna put his penis on you!
- Stop fucking cursing!
- Swear jar!
We all ride a
merry-go-round of feelings.
Going round and round,
up and down,
from one emotion to another.
And I bet if you think
back over your day,
you'll realize that you've been sad,
confused, happy or excited
at least once already.
I know I have.
But one of the best things about
feelings is sharing them.
See you next time.
What's going on?
I know it looks weird,
but they're having a lesson.
Aidan, why are the children
duct-taped to chairs?
They wouldn't listen to me.
I couldn't get control
of them, Sarah.
They asked about al-Qaeda. I have to
work on this audition for tomorrow,
and LeVar Burton seems to be the
only thing that calms them down.
Fortunately for us, I have Roots.
Okay, this is not gonna work.
You can't just show the kids videos,
and you certainly can't
force them into learning.
Well, then what's your idea?
Because they're fighting
every single thing I try.
We need to regroup.
Why don't we go to dinner?
Who's gonna babysit?
Lego Death Star is worth
three hours of babysitting,
if, and only if, it's in the box,
and said box is in mint condition.
It is. It's brand-new.
Can I keep them taped up like that?
No. No.
I'll free them.
You've got three hours.
What's the happiest
you've ever seen me?
Surfing.
What? That was like 100 years ago.
It's the first thing
that came to my mind.
I remember I was lying on
the beach reading a book,
and you were taking those lessons.
And I was watching you
and you kept trying to get up,
trying to get up,
and then you finally got up.
And I couldn't see your face
'cause you were kinda far out.
I could just feel it, this elation,
this pure joy.
The happiest you've ever seen
me is a smile you never saw?
I guess, yeah. Is that weird?
I suppose it's beautiful
in a bizarre kind of way.
What's the happiest
you've ever seen me?
You were doing a Shakespeare
thing outside at Northwestern.
Romeo and Juliet.
Yeah.
And no one was there.
I mean, no one was there.
There were a few people that
were there, but I get the point.
It wasn't even a real show.
You were just, like,
in the middle of a soccer field.
It was a traveling production.
And it was really fucking
thrilling to watch.
'Cause you loved words.
You loved poetry.
But I do remember it
kinda made me feel sad.
Why?
Honey, I want to support you.
I really do believe in you.
Why did seeing me love
Shakespeare make you sad?
I don't know.
I was terrified that
I'd never ever find
that kind of passion in my life.
And the truth is, I haven't.
I input data into a spreadsheet.
Literally, a scanner
should be doing my job,
and there's just too much bureaucracy
for anyone to even notice.
One day you're gonna be running
that whole fucking place.
I don't want to run the
fucking water department.
Then what do you want to do?
I don't even know.
I don't know. And you know what?
I don't have a second
to figure it out,
because I'm on a fucking treadmill.
And if I stop, our kids don't eat.
And it's all on me.
I just...
I thought you supported my dream.
You said you supported my dream.
When did this relationship become
solely about supporting your dream?
Hello?
Yes?
Oh, my God.
Dr. Becker, what happened?
I told him the new-age
treatment was nonsense,
but desperate people
will try anything.
It didn't work?
The cancer's progressed.
He's having paraneoplastic symptoms,
his liver's beginning to fail.
Can we see him?
Well, he's sleeping, but he's
right in here in ICU. Come.
Okay, okay, let's just calm down.
What are you talking about, Noah?
Why would we not be calm?
Look, before you freak out,
I still get the Death Star.
What's happening, Noah?
This.
- Oh, my God!
- What the fuck!
I am tired of you guys
not listening to me.
I just want to go back to
yeshiva and be with my friends,
and I am sick and tired of Tucker
always teasing me about Jesse.
Now everyone will know who I am.
So you shaved your head?
Sweetie, your beautiful hair.
Your beautiful hair.
You said that I would still be
pretty even if I shaved my head!
- What?
- No, completely out of context.
What are you talking about?
I was talking about the
Orthodox wig thing.
This is not what I was talking about.
I was just innocently playing
video games with the boy when...
- Tucker!
- Tucker, great kid.
Really a lot smarter
than I thought...
- You let her shave her fucking head?
- No, no!
You know, they were just
having their normal banter.
I certainly didn't think that
she was gonna come out looking
like fucking Sinead O'Connor.
Okay, I shouldn't cry, right?
- No, don't cry. It's just hair.
- 'Cause it's just hair.
It'll grow back in, like, a year.
- Go to your room!
- What's going on?
- Don't go to your room.
- Go in the house!
- I'll go to your room.
- Go in the house!
- Go inside.
- Feel better. Feel better, kiddo.
And you get the fuck out of here.
What about our little Lego situation?
My child shaved her head
while you were babysitting.
You think you're getting
a Lego Death Star?
You're out of your fucking mind.
You're a fucking Indian giver.
You're a piece of shit Indian giver.
And by the way, do you know
where I just came from?
Your father lying
comatose in the hospital
with wires and veins and
the thing in his nose.
I thought he was on some sort of...
No, the treatment didn't work, man.
He's dying for real, okay?
How long does he have?
I don't know, but the fact
that you're asking that,
what, are you gonna procrastinate?
Cancer means dying, Noah,
and you need to wake up,
because life is happening
all around you.
Oh.
Nice to see you, Mr. Bloom.
Sorry it's under such
difficult circumstances.
I have something for you.
Sorry to throw all
of this at you now.
It does have to be dealt with
sooner rather than later.
He's very sick. Counsel the actor.
Come over here.
Don't be fooled by all this.
It's all to cover their
asses so nobody gets sued.
I'm fine.
So, Dad, I'm confused.
You said there was this
experimental treatment.
They told me from the beginning
it doesn't work for everyone.
I rolled the dice.
But did Dr. Becker give
you any new information?
Did he say anything about...
A few months. Maybe a year.
Or as long as it takes
them to finish the 405.
If I died every time he
said I was gonna die,
I'd have more lives than
Shirley MacLaine. Jesus.
Did you see that pitch?
If Collins doesn't pull a new
pitcher out of the bullpen soon,
I'm gonna yank all these tubes
and jump out the window.
Hey, is there any water over there?
Yeah.
You okay?
Yeah.
I mean, I guess, no.
It's funny, you spend your whole life
hoping it'll all mean something,
and ultimately it
really comes down to
one question in a
neatly folded pamphlet.
How should we deal with your bones?
Honey, maybe you shouldn't
be looking at that right now.
How are the kids?
Scared.
Yeah.
I just always imagined
I'd have a better handle on what
I believed by the time we had kids.
And we got pregnant so young,
and now I have these
little faces looking up
at me and I don't know what to say.
I know, I'm with you. Fuck if I know
what we're supposed to be doing here.
As parents or on Earth?
Can I say both?
Gracie, wake up, sleepyhead.
What's going on?
We're going on a field trip.
I made you a bowl
of cereal, but I ate it.
Is Grandpa gonna die?
It looks that way, sweetie.
Are we gonna bury him in
the backyard with Whiskers?
Oh, buddy, I don't think
we're allowed to do that.
We're gonna have to ask
Grandpa what he wants.
I think he'll want
to be with Whiskers.
All right, guys, here we are.
Follow me.
Shouldn't we set up our camp?
We'll do it later. This way.
What are we doing out here?
I'm showing you one of the
coolest places on Earth.
I'll race you to the top.
Wow! Look at those legs!
Lookit, the little legs are fastest!
This is it. This is the spot.
What is it?
This is the spot where I
had one of the deepest,
most sincere, spiritual
moments of my life.
The last time I had an epiphany,
it was right here.
What's an "aniffany"?
An epiphany is when
you realize something
that you really needed to realize.
You know, sometimes in life
you can get kinda stuck
and you feel like you should
have changed chapters by now,
but you can't.
Are you stuck because
Grandpa's dying?
Am I stuck because Grandpa's dying?
Uh, yeah.
I think that's one of the reasons.
And because you haven't worked
since that dandruff commercial?
That's in there, too.
Thanks for reminding me.
Well, the sun went down.
What do you guys say,
should we make a fire?
Yeah.
All right, let's do it.
Help him out, Grace, help him out.
Will Grandpa be able to
see us when he dies?
I don't know, buddy. I don't know.
Nobody knows what
happens when you die.
There's as many opinions
as there are people.
And some people will tell you with
absolute certainty they know.
But they're wrong?
No. No, I'm not saying they're wrong.
Right now I kinda
feel like they're lucky.
'Cause the rest of us, until we
see something that makes sense,
until we hear something we believe,
we're kinda left with nothing.
Tell us a ghost story.
I don't know any
ghost stories. Do you?
I'll think about it.
All right, you think on it.
I can think of one, too.
I know they usually end
with someone has a claw.
I could tell you something Grandma
used to say to me when I went to bed.
How about that?
- Okay.
- All right.
I remember a little bit.
"And indeed there will be time
"For the yellow smoke that
slides along the street
"Rubbing its back
upon the window panes
"There will be time
"There will be time
"To prepare a face to meet
the faces that you meet
"There will be time
to murder and create
"And time for all the
works and days of hands
"That lift and drop a
question on your plate
"Time for you and time for me
"And time yet for 100 indecisions
"And for 100 visions and revisions
"Before the taking
of a toast and tea"
Wake up, sleepyheads.
It's time for school.
Did you have an epiphany?
No. But I did have
a really good idea.
You can pick any one you want.
- Any one?
- Any one.
Just as long as it is unique
and amazing like you.
Oh, hey, pal. Come on in.
Oh!
Just watching this kitten video
on YouTube. This kitten is crazy.
Sorry, can I talk to
you about something?
Sure. Come on in. Have a seat.
What's on your mind?
It's just that I'm
having some trouble
getting used to my cubicle partner.
- Jerry? But he's hilarious.
- Yeah.
It's just that he's a
little inappropriate and...
I know I'm relatively new here.
So I don't want to ruffle
anyone's status quo.
But I think it's time I let you know
that he's making me uncomfortable.
Okay, so what did he say?
Well, he started with saying that
when he's not wearing any underwear,
that he gets these
little half-boners.
Mmm-hmm.
He also made it talk to me.
Who?
His half-boner.
Well, what did it sound like?
I don't know.
It's like a high-pitched...
Like a ghost voice.
Okay, but he didn't do a black
guy voice or anything, did he?
He didn't do anything racial?
No, it was high-pitched.
- Good.
- Like a mouse.
Or, like I said, a ghost.
Like a ghost mouse.
Sure.
Okay, okay. Look, Sarah,
I know we don't always run things
according to the book around here,
but I think you need
to lighten up a little bit.
Nobody's trying to touch you.
No one's making their
penis talk like a rapper.
So, I'll tell you what. I am going
to move Jerry out of your cubicle
and I'm also gonna tell him
to tone it down a notch.
But you need to promise
to smile a little more.
You know, a little bit
more Hakuna matata.
I don't know what that means.
It means, "No worries for
the rest of your days."
No, I have two children,
I know it's from The Lion King.
I just don't understand how that
applies to the water department.
It means that you need to
lighten up a little bit, Sarah.
You've got something
everybody else wants.
Remind me what that is.
A job.
Right.
Well, I guess technically this
could qualify as art class.
Hey, bud, make sure you're cutting
along the lines here
that I drew, okay?
That's for the chest piece.
It's very special.
Aren't you a little old
for playing dress-up?
It's hardly playing dress-up, Aidan.
It's for Comic-Con.
The top prize is $1,000.
Not to mention the chance for
some congratulatory poontang
from a super-hot Furry I just met.
What's poontang?
It's what the astronauts drink.
- Can I have some poontang?
- One day.
It's only available in space.
Damn it.
So, hey, we're gonna meet
up at my house around 6:30
and then we'll go see Dad, okay?
Oh, yeah, right. I've been meaning
to talk to you about that, Aidan.
You know, I got a ton of work
here and plus, I'm not going.
What?
Dude, what's the point?
I haven't seen him for, like, a year.
I guess my tolerance for being called
a disappointment has
an expiration date.
You haven't spoken to Dad in a year?
No. The last time he called
me was on my birthday.
I think my present was a
20-minute thesis on why I suck.
So you're just gonna cut him off.
Dude, you gotta see this
from my perspective, okay?
You at least have
a wife and a family.
When he looks at me,
all he sees is failure.
Well, what about Grandma?
No. My mom believed in me.
With her, things were different.
She at least made
him a tad bit nicer.
But with my dad...
Nope, never gave him any
reason to be proud of me.
All right, let's try it on.
Well, what do you think?
- So cool.
- Awesome!
Aidan?
We both spent our entire lives
wishing we could be something great.
And now we're finally
called upon to do something
that requires some actual
bravery and you run and hide.
You know what the problem with
hiding in a fish bowl is, Noah?
Everyone can see you.
Come on, guys. Let's go see Grandpa.
Grace, come on.
Bye, Uncle Noah. I love you.
All right. Thanks. Thank you.
I'm lost in balloons.
Right in here. Right in...
Look who it is, Grandpa!
Give Grandpa a hug.
Hey. Thank you.
Got you some balloons.
Mommy will put those in the corner.
I'll take those.
What's wrong, Dad?
What'd these hippies do to your hair?
Oh, it's just temporary dye, Dad.
She was just having a little fun.
- Right, Gracie?
- Yeah.
Looks like you work in the
world's oldest profession.
What's the world's oldest profession?
Being an angel was the
very first job there was.
Beautiful angel.
I am your angel, Grandpa.
I daven a healing prayer
for you three times a day.
- Once in the morning, once...
- Grandpa!
I bought you a fart buzzer.
What's a fart buzzer?
It's this thing.
You press different buttons
and it makes different
funny fart noises.
You may choose any
fart you would like.
I choose for you the Ripper.
Oh, I see the
homeschooling's going well.
Tucker, do you know
your times tables yet?
No. But I know this.
I don't know if Grandpa's a
big fan of the fart buzzer.
- I'm gonna take the fart buzzer.
- Put that away.
You gotta learn those times tables.
Oh, he's just working
on addition, Dad.
Yeah. He's six.
I know my times tables.
Yeah, there you go. We got
someone who knows them there.
Good. Study hard.
Don't become an actor.
Well, maybe I'll take
the kids outside.
No, sweetie. Don't, no, no,
no one's going anywhere.
Yeah, I think maybe
it's time to take them.
It's fine when you're
playing around in college.
But sooner or later you have
to provide for your family.
You're gonna need those times tables.
Well, maybe Tucker will have a wife
who loves him and supports him.
And will remind him of the answer
if he occasionally forgets.
Maybe he'll marry someone
that enables his fantasies.
Lets him sit around waiting
for a dream to come true
while his children sit dumbfounded
by the edge of a muddy pool.
Grace can't even swim,
for God's sakes.
Um, grandpa,
I found something for you.
Something that you're gonna need.
What, my angel, my hope?
What the hell am I gonna
do with welder's goggles?
Well, here, put them on.
You look good.
Now, when you head into the white
light, you won't have to squint.
So you can find Grandma.
Guys, that was fantastic.
Why don't you take a break?
Terrific job.
It was beautiful, you guys.
- Really nice.
- Thanks.
I'm not here to convert.
Good, 'cause I've
already met my quota.
Have a seat.
You know, I was kosher
until I was 13.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah. My father told me that I was
officially a man at my Bar Mitzvah.
So I told him that, as a man,
I wanted to have a bacon
double cheeseburger.
I think I saw his head explode.
But to his credit, he let me eat
whatever I wanted outside the house.
I think I impressed
him with my logic.
What brings you to temple, Aidan?
When we were kids, my brother and I
used to pretend we were these
superhero space-men.
We'd go out to the
woods behind our house
and pretend it was
this mystical planet
and we were the only ones
who could save everybody.
But I've been thinking
about that a lot lately.
Remembering those fantasies
for the first time in, like,
14 years.
What do you think it means?
I don't know. And I'm even
embarrassed to say this out loud,
but if I can't say it to you,
I can't say it to anybody.
Do you think
God is trying to tell me something?
Trying to guide me in some way?
And if you say He works in mysterious
ways, I will run out that door.
Do you feel any spiritual
connection at all to anything?
Infinity.
Looking up at the sky with my kids
and trying to explain to them
that it goes on forever.
I do feel a spirituality in that.
Could that be God?
God can be whatever
you want him to be.
You're getting tangled in semantics.
Try not to get caught up in the
God who wants you to be kosher,
and the God who wants
you to study the Torah.
Start with God as
the infinite universe,
and imagine that that force may be
trying desperately to guide you
through the most challenging
part of your life.
Even if it has to appear to you
in the form of a space-man
to get you to listen.
Why does Grandpa have baby jellyfish?
Those aren't jellyfish, buddy.
Believe it or not,
those are contact lenses.
Your grandpa saved all the
contact lenses he ever wore.
Why?
He said he just couldn't
bear to throw them out
'cause it's everything he ever saw.
It's weird, right?
I know, but it's kinda
good-weird. I like it.
Well, he must have
seen a lot of stuff.
He did. If you think about it,
all those years,
all the things that he saw with
his eyes through those lenses.
Also, before he retired,
he was a microbiology professor.
What's that?
That's someone who studies things
you can only see with a microscope.
So, really, really,
really tiny things. Hey!
I know the albums are fascinating,
but I could use a little help
getting this place set up
so it's nice and cozy for
when Grandpa comes home.
So, if Grandpa's dying,
then why is he coming home?
Because we don't want Grandpa
to be alone in a scary hospital.
We want him to come home and
be with his family, be with us.
So we're making him all cozy so
he's happy when he meets God?
Yeah.
Whoa! When did Grandpa
have this cool car?
Look at that thing.
That, my friends, is a '62 Cadillac.
Look at those fins.
Look how happy he was, huh?
Why, this was taken at a dealership.
He could never afford that car.
That sucks.
It does suck.
It's cool.
Hello. Welcome to Aston Martin.
Hello. Um, my name is Marco
and I work for Sean "Puff
Daddy" "Dirty Money" Combs.
Um, these are Puffy's children,
and he's asked me to
come in and test drive
the new Aston Martin DB9 Volante.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Of course.
Please, come right here.
Be good, children.
I know what you're thinking.
"Why are Puffy's kids white?"
Valid question.
Well, so many celebrities were
going and adopting black children.
- You know what he went and did?
- Mmm-mmm.
He went to Switzerland and adopted
these two skim-milk popsicles.
Tucker! Do not.
Tucker, it's not funny.
I know what you're trying to do.
You do?
Do you know how many
people walk in here
and try to sweet-talk their way into
test-driving one of these bad boys?
- So annoying.
- Hey! I never fall for it.
But I can see your daughter's sick.
So, you know what?
I'm gonna make an exception.
And you don't even
look good in the wig.
So take it off, like, seriously.
- No way.
- It's my wig.
She is sick, isn't she?
Have some respect.
- So sick.
- Mmm...
Okay, attendance.
- Grace.
- Here!
- Tucker.
- Here.
- What's your name?
- Anthony.
Anthony's here, too, Dad.
All right, Anthony.
Welcome to our classroom.
Now, kids, unless
you're on the Autobahn,
you're never gonna get a
car like this up to speed.
So in a city like LA,
it's really about what it sounds like
when you floor it from a full stop.
Yes, but, kids, we're on
Robertson Boulevard.
So there will be no flooring it
from a full stop, will there be?
- No, sir.
- Thank you.
Did I scare you?
I thought if I ever
saw you here alone,
you'd be putting a
pillow over my face.
I looked.
You're lying on the
only two in the room.
I've been watching the paramedics
come and go for the last half-hour.
And every few minutes
they race in at full speed
doing everything they can
to save someone's life
and then a few minutes later,
they all walk outside
and smoke cigarettes.
You never really think about
death until you're here.
Chemicals pumping into your veins
while you watch Maury Povich.
I'm unclear which one
is killing me faster.
Can I offer you some saline?
I'm glad to see you're
keeping your sense of humor.
What else am I supposed to do?
Eventually things get tragic enough
and they circle back to comedy.
Yeah.
You know, I don't think
I ever told you this,
but when I lost my sister, you were
the most helpful person to me.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, I'm glad if I was, but I
don't even remember what I said.
You said,
"Nothing in life will call upon
us to be more courageous
"than facing the fact that it ends.
"But on the other side of
heartbreak is wisdom."
I said that?
Yeah.
That was good advice.
And now here I am,
a shiva waiting to happen.
Well, the wisdom that came out for me
was that the things left
unsaid stay with us forever.
I wish nothing more
than if I could tell my
sister how much I loved her
and that I always idolized her.
But we never said those things.
We just weren't like that.
And suddenly one day she's gone.
And I have all these things to say,
but no one to say them to.
Both my boys know how I feel.
Are you sure, Gabe?
I told them I wanted to retire.
I lied.
They pushed me out.
'Cause I wasn't keeping
up with technology.
Don't let anyone push them out.
Have you told them this?
What is this?
Is this an intervention?
Did you come here to tell
me how I failed as a father?
No!
Not at all. You've raised
two incredible boys, Gabe.
They may not have quick answers
or awards on their mantles.
In fact, neither one
of them has a mantle.
But they're incredible,
with big, sensitive hearts.
And right now they need to know
how much their father loves them.
Barbara used to help you with
the hard part of parenting, right?
She made everyone around her happy.
She just brought out the best in me.
I think if she were here right
now she'd tell you that
your boys will remember this
time for the rest of their lives.
It will shape who they are as men.
You're gonna make a great
matriarch one day.
I already am a great matriarch, Gabe.
At least I'm working on it.
Today, we are going to Mr. Miyagi
the shit out of this fence.
Who's Mr. Miyagi?
Mr. Miyagi is an older Asian man
that taught me many life lessons.
The point is I'm sick of
looking at this fence.
Today we're gonna fix it.
Tucker, where's your drill?
- It's under my pillow.
- Please go get it.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Okay, Grace, come up here.
Hop on the diving board.
Okay.
You are going to recite this poem
while Tucker and I work on the fence.
Then we'll switch.
This is weird.
Think of it as a prayer you're
not expecting anyone to answer.
All right, Tuck, good.
Come over here. Put the drill down.
We're gonna use it later
when we put 'em back up.
Come over here with this crowbar.
And the point is to jam it in
here and then use your leverage.
Slide your arms down. Yeah!
Oh! You're a natural at this.
Next up, we're gonna
re-plaster that pool.
"Something there is that
doesn't love a wall
"That sends the
frozen-ground-swell under it
"And spills the upper
boulders in the sun
"I let my neighbor
know beyond the hill
"And on a day we
meet to walk the line
"And set the wall
between us once again
"Before I built a
wall I'd ask to know
"What I was walling in or walling out
"And to whom I was
like to give offense
"Something there is
that doesn't love a wall
"That wants it down"
Hey.
- That's a load of colors.
- Uh-huh.
What's going on back there?
I'm comforting you.
You've been going
through a lot lately.
Thank you, baby.
I really need to be
comforted right now.
Good night all the moonlight ladies
Rock-a-bye sweet baby James
Deep greens and blues
are the colors I choose
Won't you let me go
down in my dreams?
And rock-a-bye sweet baby James
Where are the kids?
They're plastering the pool.
Aidan!
I'm on a break.
They don't deserve a break.
They need to work harder.
This is the little hand that took
so long to plaster anything.
I missed you.
What do you mean you missed me?
I've been right here.
No, you haven't been.
I haven't seen you in a while.
But I'm glad you're here, Mr. Bloom.
I am Khaleesi, Queen of the Dragons.
You are Khaleesi
and I am the brown guy who died.
I can't remember my name,
but I think it might be Drago.
This is awesome.
I've never heard of post-sex
role-playing, but I like it.
I have to tell you something,
and I don't want you to go crazy.
What?
It's all under control,
but I just feel like it's
something you should be aware of.
Sarah, what?
You know that guy Jerry
that I share my cubicle with at work?
Yeah?
He's been acting kind
of inappropriate lately.
Is he, like, trying to
touch you or something?
No, no, no, nothing like that.
It's more like doing stuff like
making his penis talk.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Honey, honey, calm down.
Well, did you talk to
Human Resources?
I talked to my boss and he
told me to sing Hakuna Matata.
Are you...
Where does he live?
I'll go fucking talk to him.
I don't need my husband
to come to my rescue.
I can handle this.
I feel like I should, like,
I have to talk to him.
I wanna fucking kill him.
You can't.
I can't believe you're just
telling me about this now.
Honey. I told you I didn't
want you to go crazy.
Hey, hey. Hi, George.
Hey, Dad.
Yes.
Hey. Oh, your lips
are so chapped, Dad.
Here's some ice.
George is slacking on you.
There you go. There you go.
Much better. That feel good?
Remember when that ice cream truck
would come around
when you were little?
Yeah.
You and Noah would hear
the music and light up.
And the three of us would chase
after him till he stopped.
Were there fireflies?
I can't remember.
Dad, you know there's no
fireflies in Los Angeles.
I wanna remember it with fireflies.
What was that I always
used to get? I forgot.
Your favorite was the toasted almond.
- Toasted almond.
- Yes, sir.
I'll have one of those.
Okay.
That's the last thing
I wanna taste, Aidan.
Okay, you got a deal.
I'll bring it to you.
Wouldn't it be great if your
brother could be there, too?
That would be great, Dad.
That would be really, really great.
You promise me.
Promise me you'll try
to make that happen.
Yeah. I...
I need to see him.
I wanna make amends.
I promise.
I promise you.
Okay.
Get some sleep.
Why don't you take a nap?
Let me lead the way, Captain.
Let me lead the way, Captain.
Let me... These Ractonians.
It's Ractonian.
Let me lead the way, Captain.
These Ractonians could
be hiding anywhere.
I'm sorry to bother you,
have you seen this show?
No one's seen this show.
It's an insult to sci-fi.
Captain Kirk's probably
turning over in his grave.
Well, technically Captain
Kirk isn't even born
until 2233, but that's irrelevant.
Sorry, I'm a bit of an aficionado
and this dog shit is the reason
the genre gets no respect.
Let me lead the way, Captain.
Can I give you one thought, though?
Sure.
- I don't mean to be presumptuous at all.
- No. Yeah.
But I just was listening to
you and I just thought...
You're the first one off the ship.
You don't even have a name.
Okay, now we don't
have the whole script,
but the guy has two
lines in the first act
and he's gonna be the
first one off the ship.
He's gonna die.
Of course he's gonna die!
He's seconds away from getting
his whole head blown off
by a bunch of Ractonians, okay?
So, just factor that in.
- Amp up the fear a little bit.
- Right.
This is probably the single
scariest moment of
- Random Crew Member Number One's life.
- Absolutely.
So, there's nothing
cavalier about it.
- No. Right. Right.
- He's focused and terrified.
- Thank you.
- Sure, just...
Why are you helping me?
I have no idea.
It makes no sense, but,
you know, whatever.
Careful, it could be kindness.
Oh, God, I hope not. I'll get
eaten alive in this town.
His outfit's amazing.
That's his first costume?
Yeah.
Replacing your own pool filter
is challenging, but a lot of fun.
One thing's for certain.
You're gonna need some skilled helpers.
That's really good, buddy.
Yeah, get all that gross stuff off.
You're doing awesome.
Hello?
Yeah, yeah, put him on.
Dad? Are you okay?
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I'm coming. I'm coming right now.
Was that Grandpa?
He wants me to bring
him a toasted almond.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
I'm so glad we're neighbors.
Yeah?
I thought you might want to know
that your father might pass
away at any moment now.
I think you should come home.
What's wrong?
I've been talking to him a lot,
Noah, and he wants to apologize.
He wants to make amends,
he wants to make things right.
We've been over this, Aidan.
Look, I've been thinking and...
Maybe you don't realize this
until you have kids of your own,
but being a father is really hard.
Look, uh, Aidan, I gotta go.
Please, Noah.
Let me talk to him.
- Not now, sweetie.
- No.
Uncle Noah?
Hi, it's Grace.
Did Janine like the costume?
Did she give you some poontang?
Uh, yeah, she sure did.
Uncle Noah, I've never asked
you for anything, have I?
No.
I didn't get mad when you
forgot my birthday or Hanukkah
or that time you got drunk
and peed in my closet.
Uh, well, Grace,
I got locked in there.
Somebody locked me in there.
I want you to come see Grandpa.
Are you okay?
Grace, um, can I tell you a secret?
Yeah.
I'm scared.
Losing my mom was the hardest
thing I've ever been through.
I don't know if I can take it again.
I know that you're sad.
But we're sad, too.
And we should all be together.
Listen.
I know that you don't believe in God.
But maybe you can believe in family.
Uncle Noah?
He hung up.
What?
Maybe we got disconnected.
But it kind of felt like he hung up.
Here it is.
Dad, I think I see the guy who
sits next to Mommy at work.
No. Did you ever hear
of the drink Kefir?
Sounds gross.
It isn't. Well,
I'm gonna get a Kefir.
Okay, hold this.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
Dad, not now. Grandpa!
It's only gonna take a second.
Are you into any of these products?
I don't drink dairy.
You don't drink dairy?
How do you get all your protein?
Vegetables.
Don't take veggies. You never
had cream in your coffee?
Depends on the cream.
Don't you like your cake
with frosting on it?
I do.
Wouldn't you like
a milky, like, sweet,
like, strawberry kind of,
you know, yogurt?
Excuse me, are you Jerry?
The guy with the talking dick?
Yeah. I told you.
Who the hell are you?
My name is Aidan Bloom.
I'm Sarah's husband.
Oh!
Oh, hey.
How you doing? Nice to meet you.
I have been racking my brain trying
to figure out how to
handle this situation.
Situation?
If you ever so much as
exhale near my wife again,
I promise to sue you
for sexual harassment.
Stay away from my wife,
you wretched piece of shit.
Dad?
That did not go as planned.
Are you okay?
I think you lost, Dad.
Here, put this on your eye.
We gotta go. Come on.
Hey.
Honey, oh, my God!
What happened to your eye?
I ran into Jerry at the supermarket.
Oh, my God.
Hey, Dad, I'm here.
Look, I'm here. Toasted almond.
What happened to your eye?
Oh. Don't worry about it, Dad.
Don't worry about that at all.
The point is I'm here, okay?
I'm here and Sarah's here
and the kids are here.
And the rabbis are here
and we all love you.
I'm sorry, I don't think
Noah's gonna make it, Dad.
I did everything I could.
Hmm.
Thank you, Aidan.
For what, Dad?
For doing your best to hold this
family together when I couldn't.
How did you get that shiner?
I ran into someone who's been
harassing Sarah at work.
So, yes.
You went after him, huh?
I tried.
That takes guts.
Good for you.
You showed up.
How are you feeling?
I'm not afraid.
Isn't that funny?
I thought I'd be afraid.
I think that's the bravest
thing I've ever heard.
- Really?
- Yeah, I really do.
You promise?
I promise you.
Do you see that
or is God very different
than I imagined?
Noah! That's Noah, Dad. You made it?
Dad, it's Noah. He made it.
Noah, you're a warrior.
No, I just won a contest.
But you won.
Yeah.
Yeah, Dad, I won.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so tired.
Hold my hands.
Right here. Right here, Dad.
We love you.
If there's a next time,
I'll do better.
So fast.
Try to remember how fast it goes.
When we were kids, Noah and I used
to pretend that we were heroes
with swords, the only ones
who could save the day.
But perhaps we set
the bar a little bit high.
Maybe we're just the regular people.
The ones who get saved.
Hey!
Oh, my God!
Dude! This is because of you.
I got that part.
- Oh, my God!
- Yeah.
They fucked you up.
Yeah, no, you were totally right.
Soon as I get off the ship,
there's fucking Ractonians everywhere.
I got crushed.
By the way, what's your name?
- I'm Aidan.
- Hey, I'm Paul.
- Nice to meet you.
- No, thank you again for that note.
I was just talking about you in a
meeting. I didn't have your number.
I work with this little
theater company in Topanga.
Have you ever given any
thought to teaching?
Not... No, no.
Well, look, we have these
classes for college kids
and we're looking for somebody new.
The pay is just okay,
but the people are amazing.
You should come by
and give it a look.
- Really?
- Yeah.
They'd love you. Would you come by?
That'd be really cool.
I'd be honored.
- Really? You'll come?
- Yeah.
I'd give you my number, but I doubt
you have a phone
in your little onesie.
Yeah, no, I don't, but I've
got places I can put things.
- All right, let's do it.
- My trailer's right here.
- Will you come with me just two seconds?
- Of course.
- Yeah, thank you.
- Wonderful.
The Blooms are willing to drop both
the sexual harassment and
public-battery charges
as long as we give her a year's
paid salary and you agree to this.
Ostensibly, it's a sexual
harassment workshop.
The Blooms are adamant
that you need to attend.
What the hell is this?
Well, it's typically a
three-month course,
but the Blooms are insisting
that you take it seven times.
Oh! Also, you're fired.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Are the Gilberts home?
Nobody home.
Oh, it's okay. I'm a
friend of the Gilberts
and they asked me to come by and fix
the drain at the bottom of their pool.
But I'm leaving.
Oh, that's okay. I'll close the
gate behind me. Thank you.
Mmm, AC feels good.
Dad, this is so embarrassing.
Don't worry. The Gilberts
are in St. Tropez all spring.
It's their own fault for bragging.
Now before I let school
out for the semester,
we're gonna get you
ready for Jesse's party.
I'm scared.
I know.
I want you to jump in.
But I don't know
anything about swimming.
I know, sweetheart. I want you to
jump in. I'm gonna be here for you.
If I die, I'm gonna
be so pissed at you.
We have a deal.
Do it. Go for it.
What lady is that, which doth
enrich the hand of yonder knight?