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Wishful Drinking (2010)
( piano playing )
Carrie Fisher: HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN THE SKIES ABOVE ARE CLEAR AGAIN... Man: GUYS, WE'RE A ABOUT 30 MINUTES TO 8:00, SO HOW ARE WE DOING? SO LET'S SING A SONG OF CHEER AGAIN HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN... Man: I HAVE BRIAN STANDING BY FOR A MIKE CHECK WHENEVER YOU GUYS ARE READY. - Man #2: GREAT, THANK YOU. - ALL TOGETHER SHOUT IT NOW THERE'S NO ONE WHO CAN DOUBT IT NOW SO LET'S TELL THE WORLD ABOUT IT NOW... CARRIE, WHEN YOU HAVE A MOMENT, COULD YOU JUS COUNT ONE TO 10 FOR ME, PLEASE, AND MOVE AROUND A LITTLE BIT? ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, 10. THERE'LL BE NO MORE FROM NOW ON... - OKAY, HERE WE GO. - FROM NOW ON... ALL RIGHT. HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN THE SKIES ABOVE ARE CLEAR AGAIN... Woman: THERE'S A BIG, FULL HOUSE OUT THERE. THEY'RE SETTLING THEM IN. THEY'RE VERY EXCITED. HAPPY TIMES, HAPPY NIGHTS... SORRY. HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE... HI. I'M CARRIE FISHER, AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC. AGAIN. I DIDN'T REALLY GET YOUR AREA THAT WELL, DID I? AWW. THANK YOU. HERE. ( laughter ) OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT. YOU'RE VERY WELCOME. ANYTIME. ( sighs ) OKAY, NOW... I HAVE TO STAR BY TELLING YOU THAT MY ENTIRE LIFE COULD BE SUMMED UP IN ONE PHRASE, AND THAT IS: IF MY LIFE WASN'T FUNNY IT WOULD JUS BE TRUE, AND THAT IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. NOW WHAT THA MEANS IS, OTHER THAN WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE, LET'S SAY SOMETHING HAPPENS, RIGHT? AND FROM A CERTAIN SLAN MAYBE IT'S TRAGIC, EVEN A LITTLE BI SHOCKING. AND THEN TIME PASSES AND YOU GO TO THE FUNNY SLANT. AND NOW THAT VERY SAME THING CAN NO LONGER DO YOU ANY HARM. SO WHAT WE'RE REALLY TALKING ABOUT THEN IS LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION. NOW AN EXAMPLE OF THE TRAGIC AND SHOCKING MIGHT BE: ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO, FOUR MONTHS AND NINE DAYS, A FRIEND OF MINE DIED AT MY HOUSE. BUT NOT CONTEN TO SIMPLY DIE AT MY HOUSE, THIS GUY ALSO DIED IN MY BED. YEAH. SO HE DIDN'T JUS DIE IN HIS SLEEP, HE DIED IN MINE. IF YOU ENTERTAIN LIKE I DO, REALLY TRY TO ALER YOUR GUESTS NOT TO DO THIS, OKAY? FOR TWO REASONS REALLY: A-- IT'S KIND OF BAD MANNERS IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW? AND TWO-- IT TENDS TO THROW THE HOST, OR HOSTESS, OFF THEIR GAME A LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW, LIKE, FOR A YEAR OR FIVE. GREG WAS ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS. HE WAS NOT MY BOYFRIEND OR ANYTHING, YOU KNOW. I MEAN, HE DIDN'T DIE IN THE SADDLE, WHICH WOULD'VE MADE ME THE SADDLE. NOW IF YOU HAVE, SERIOUSLY, ANY QUESTIONS AT ALL ABOUT WHAT IT'S LIKE TO WAKE UP NEXT TO A CORPSE WHO WAS VERY RECENTLY A BELOVED FRIEND, YOU COULD JUST SHOUT OU WHATEVER QUESTION YOU HAD AND I WOULD DO MY VERY BES TO FIELD IT. SO YOU'VE ALL WOKEN UP WITH DEAD BODIES? Man: WHAT WERE YOU WEARING? WHAT WAS I WEARING? YOU MEAN, IF IT WAS, LIKE, A WRONG OUTFI THAT MIGHT HAVE KILLED HIM? NOW ACTUALLY ONE OF MY FAVORITE QUESTIONS THAT I'VE BEEN ASKED IS WAS I NAKED. I HAVEN'T BEEN NAKED IN 15 YEARS. AND I HAVEN'T BEEN SLEEVELESS IN 20. SOME OF YOU LADIES KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. I SHOULD TELL YOU AT THIS POIN JUST TO GET YOU GOING HERE, GREG WAS A REPUBLICAN, WHICH I DO BELIEVE CONTRIBUTED IN PAR TO HIS DEATH. ( applause ) WELL, BUT NO, HE DID-- HE HAD A VERY VERY SERIOUS CASE. HE WAS A LOBBYIST, WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY FATAL IN SOME INSTANCES. Woman: WHAT WAS HE WEARING? WHAT WAS HE WEARING? WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MATTER? HE WAS DEAD. THE DEAD, CONTRARY TO RUMOR, DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOU WHAT THEY'RE WEARING. Woman #2: WHO WAS THE FIRS PERSON YOU CALLED? WHO WOULD YOU CALL IN THAT SITUATION? - Woman #2: I'M NOT SURE. - Woman #3: YOUR MOTHER. WELL YES, THAT'S TRUE. WELL, NOW IF YOU KNEW MY MOTHER, MAYBE NOT. 911, OKAY? AND THE POLICE DID COME, AS THEY OFTEN DO WHEN THERE ARE DEAD BODIES STREWN ABOUT. SO I'M ACTUALLY-- I'M STANDING IN THE LIVING ROOM WITH THIS POLICEMAN. HE TURNS TO ME AND HE SAYS, "I REALLY LIKE YOUR HOUSE." MY FRIEND DAVE SAID TO ME AT THE TIME, "YOU KNOW, HONEY, I KNOW THIS IS ALL JUST A GIGANTIC PAIN IN THE ASS." AND I SAID, "IF I COULD ISOLATE THE PAIN JUST TO MY ASS, IT WOULD BE FANTASTIC." AND HE SAID, "WELL, THAT'S THE MEDITATION THEN." ANYWAY, ENOUGH ABOUT DEATH, OKAY? I JUST-- I WANTED TO GE THAT BUMMER STORY OUT OF THE WAY AT THE TOP OF THE SHOW. NOW I WAS BORN IN BURBANK, CALIFORNIA, TO SIMPLE FOLK, PEOPLE OF THE LAND. NO, ACTUALLY. MY FATHER WAS A FAMOUS SINGER. TWEEDLE DEE, TWEEDLE DEE TWEEDLE DEE DEE I'M AS HAPPY AS CAN BE... AND MY MOM-- YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING REALLY COOL? MY MOTHER'S A MOVIE STAR. - ( fans cheering ) - Woman: DEBBIE, WE LOVE YOU! SHE IS LITERALLY, LIKE, AN ICON-- A GAY ICON, BUT YOU TAKE YOUR ICONIC STATURE WHERE YOU CAN GET IT. MY FATHER-- HE HAD A LO OF HIT SONGS. BUT I THINK THE ONE HE'S BEST REMEMBERED FOR IS THE SONG "OH! MY PAPA"-- OH! MY PAPA... --WHICH I LIKE TO CALL "OH MY FAUX PAS." AND MY MOTHER, SHE HAD-- SHE DID TONS OF FILMS, YOU KNOW, BUT PROBABLY THE ONE SHE'S BES REMEMBERED FOR IS THE CLASSIC FILM "SINGING IN THE RAIN." SHE WAS ALSO NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR FOR BEST ACTRESS FOR HER WORK IN "THE UNSINKABLE MOLLY BROWN." BUT SHE LOS TO JULIE ANDREWS FOR HER STUNNING, LAYERED AND MOVING PORTRAI OF MARY POPPINS. I THINK IT WAS IBSEN'S "MARY POPPINS." AND MY MOTHER-- SHE ALSO MADE ANOTHER FILM CALLED "TAMMY," WHICH WAS A HIT SONG AS WELL, WHICH REALLY PISSED OFF MY DAD 'CAUSE THAT WAS HIS AREA, YOU KNOW? TAMMY, TAMMY CAN'T LET HIM GO... SHE WAS-- ACTUALLY SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH ME WHEN SHE FILMED "TAMMY." SHE WAS ALSO PREGNANT WITH ME IN YET ANOTHER FILM. AND THIS ONE WAS CALLED "A BUNDLE OF JOY," COSTARRING THA MARVELOUS METHOD ACTOR EDDIE FISHER. ( swing music playing ) PREGNANT, OKAY? OH, NOW YOU'RE GONNA SEE LAMAZE IN THE '50s COMING UP. THERE IT IS. OH YEAH. I THINK THAT EXPLAINS A LOT, DON'T YOU? ( applause ) YEAH. WHEN I WAS BORN MY MOM WAS GIVEN ANESTHESIA. THEY DIDN'T HAVE EPIDURALS IN THOSE DAYS, RIGHT? SO MY MOTHER WAS UNCONSCIOUS. NOW MY MOTHER IS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL TODAY AT 78. AT 24 SHE LOOKED LIKE A CHRISTMAS MORNING. SO ALL THE DOCTORS-- THEY'RE BUZZING AROUND HER HEAD GOING, "OH LOOK, THERE'S DEBBIE REYNOLDS ASLEEP. HOW PRETTY." THEN MY FATHER, UPON SEEING ME, YOU KNOW, START TO COME THROUGH-- CROWN, WITH ALL THE PLACENTA AND THE-- UGH-- MY FATHER FAINTS DEAD AWAY. SO NOW ALL THE NURSES GO, "OH LOOK, THERE'S EDDIE FISHER THE CROONER ON THE GROUND. LET'S GO LOOK AT HIM." SO WHEN I ARRIVED I WAS VIRTUALLY UNATTENDED. AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR THAT FAC EVER SINCE. EVEN THIS SHOW TONIGH IS A PATHETIC BID FOR THE ATTENTION THAT I LACKED AS A NEWBORN. - ( applause ) - OH, THANK YOU. THAT HELPS SO MUCH. YEAH. MY DAD-- HE WAS BEST FRIENDS WITH THIS VERY VERY CHARISMATIC PRODUCER WHOSE NAME WAS MIKE TODD. HE PRODUCED A FILM CALLED "AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS," WHICH WON AN OSCAR FOR BEST PICTURE. SO MY FATHER, MY MOTHER, MIKE TODD AND HIS FIANCEE, WHO HAPPENED TO BE ELIZABETH TAYLOR-- WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY WENT EVERYWHERE TOGETHER, RIGHT? I MEAN, THEY WENT TO NIGHTCLUBS. THEY WENT ON CRUISES. THEY LITERALLY TRAVELED THE WORLD. SO WHEN MIKE AND ELIZABETH GOT MARRIED, MY FATHER WAS MIKE TODD'S BEST MAN AND MY MOTHER WAS ELIZABETH'S MATRON OF HONOR. YEAH. SHE EVEN WASHED HER HAIR ON HER WEDDING DAY. NOW LATER I DID HEAR HER MUMBLE THAT SHE WISHED SHE'D WASHED IT WITH NAIR. BUT SHE'S NOT A BITTER WOMAN REALLY, YOU KNOW. ANYWAY, I WAS ABOU ONE AND A HALF OR TWO WHEN MY BROTHER WAS BORN. AND MY FATHER-- HE SO ADORED THIS MAN MIKE TODD THAT MY BROTHER TODD WAS NAMED FOR HIM. BUT, YOU KNOW, IN THE JEWISH FAITH IT IS CONSIDERED BACK LUCK TO NAME A NEWBORN AFTER SOMEONE WHO'S STILL LIVING-- A SILLY SUPERSTITION... OR SO THEY THOUGHT. 'CAUSE ABOU A YEAR LATER MIKE TODD TOOK OFF IN A PRIVATE PLANE IN A RAINSTORM. Newscaster: MISS TAYLOR WAS IN A STATE OF COLLAPSE FOLLOWING THE DEATH OF HER HUSBAND IN A PLANE CRASH. AND THE FOLLOWING MORNING ELIZABETH WAS A WIDOW. WELL, YOU KNOW, NATURALLY MY FATHER FLEW TO ELIZABETH'S SIDE, GRADUALLY MAKING HIS WAY SLOWLY TO HER FRONT. ( laughter ) HE DRIED HER EYES WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF. HE CONSOLED HER WITH FLOWERS. AND ULTIMATELY HE CONSOLED HER WITH HIS PENIS. THIS MADE MARRIAGE TO MY MOTHER AWKWARD. AND SO HE WAS GONE WITHIN THE WEEK. Newscaster: DEBBIE REYNOLDS WEN INTO COUR AND IN FIVE MINUTES HAD A DIVORCE FROM EDDIE FISHER. SHOWING NO EMOTION, THE 26-YEAR-OLD TESTIFIED HER HUSBAND HAD BECOME INTERESTED IN ANOTHER WOMAN. IT WASN'T LONG AFTERWARD THAT THE SINGER WAS MARRIED TO THE WIDOW OF HIS GOOD FRIEND MIKE TODD. RECENTLY MY DAUGHTER BILLIE-- SHE'S ACTUALLY ABOUT TO TURN 18-- SHE HAD A FLIRTATION WITH MIKE TODD AND ELIZABETH'S GRANDSON. AND WHEN THEY FIRST MET, YOU KNOW, THEY WERE TRYING TO WORK OU HOW IT ALL FIT TOGETHER, RIGHT, AND IF THEY WERE RELATED IN ANY WAY. SO I THOUGH ABOUT IT. NOW WHEN I THINK, I NEED AN ENORMOUS BLACKBOARD. ALSO IT IS HELPFUL IF I CAN HAVE A STICK. THAT WAY I COULD POIN TO THE VARIOUS PEOPLE ON THE BLACKBOARD AND-- WHEN YOU PRAY. THIS IS GARRET-- MY SPIRITUAL ADVISOR AND GYNECOLOGIST. THANK YOU. WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW. SO WELCOME, CLASS, TO HOLLYWOOD 101. ALL RIGHT, SO OVER HERE WE HAVE DEBBIE AND EDDIE. NOW IN THE '50s THEY WERE KNOWN AS AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS. FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE YOUNGER, TRY TO THINK OF I THIS WAY: THINK OF EDDIE AS BRAD PITT, DEBBIE AS JENNIFER ANISTON AND ELIZABETH AS ANGELINA JOLIE. DOES THAT HELP? THAT SHOULD HELP, RIGHT? ALL RIGHT, SO... EDDIE CONSOLES ELIZABETH WITH HIS PENIS. ELIZABETH TAKES A MOVIE IN ROME-- A BIG-BUDGET FILM "CLEOPATRA." SHE MEETS HER COSTAR RICHARD BURTON. WELL, GOODBYE EDDIE, HELLO RICHARD. THE TWO OF THEM-- THEY HIT IT OFF LIKE GANGBUSTERS, YOU KNOW? AND THEY ME AND THEY MARRIED AND THEY HAD A WILD, TEMPESTUOUS RELATIONSHIP OF VIOLET EYES AND WELSH ACCENTS AND DRINKING AND DANCING AND LUST AND JOY AND FUN. BUT IT WAS A TEMPESTUOUS RELATIONSHIP. SO AFTER A WHILE THE STORM CLOUDS CAME, AND WHAT HAPPENED? NO CHEATING. WHAT? STORM CLOUDS ARE A NEGATIVE. Woman: DIVORCE. - DIVORCE, OKAY. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - NICOLE. - WHAT? - NICOLE. NICOLE. OKAY, NICOLE, WHAT WE DO WITH OUR BETTER STUDENTS HERE A HOLLYWOOD 101-- WE PROVIDE THEM WITH A MEDAL. THINK OF I AS A METAPHOR - FOR GETTING A MEDAL. - OKAY. - LOOK, IT'S KIND OF LIKE BEING IN "THE WIZARD OF OZ." - SHOULD I COME AND GET IT? YOU'RE OUT OF THE WOODS, YOU'RE OUT OF THE DARK, YOU'RE OUT OF THE-- - NOW LOOK, YOU HAVE TO UNDO IT BECAUSE-- - OH, THANK YOU. THERE WE GO. NOW, NICOLE, YOU STILL-- - THE MEDAL FELL OFF. - OH JESUS. WELL, LET ME JUST PUT I IN YOUR CLEAVAGE THEN. ( audience laughter ) - WHICH IS AMPLE. - THAT'S GOOD. - OKAY. - THANK YOU. NOW, NICOLE, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO STILL EARN THIS, OKAY? - OKAY, I GOT IT. - ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN SIT BACK DOWN. - ALL RIGHT, SO... - ( applause ) AS NICOLE SAID, THEY DID GE A DIVORCE. BUT THEY HAD GOOD MEMORIES OF EACH OTHER, SO, NICOLE, WHAT'D THEY DO THEN? - THEY GOT MARRIED AGAIN. - THEY REMARRIED. EXACTLY. ALL RIGHT, NOW KEEP THAT IN MIND 'CAUSE IT MIGH COME UP AGAIN. LET'S GO TO DEBBIE, OKAY? DEBBIE DOES NOT WAN ANOTHER MAN WHO'LL JUST RUN OFF. SO SHE MARRIES SOMEONE VERY VERY OLD, WHO CAN'T RUN. NOW HE JUST SITS IN A CHAIR, HE SMOKES AND HE DRINKS. AND AFTER ABOU 13 YEARS HE LOSES ALL HIS MONEY AND THEN HE TAKES ALL HERS-- FUN. AND THEY GO DIVORCED. AND SHE WAS ALONE FOR A WHILE. BUT THEN FATE INTERVENED AND BROUGHT HER THIS SOCIOPATH. YEAH, THAT'S RICHARD HAMLETT. HE HAD MONEY ISSUES TOO-- HER MONEY. BUT NOW BEFORE WE GE TOO FAR PAS THIS FIRST STEPFATHER RIGHT HERE, THIS MAN IS NAMED HARRY KARL. HARRY WAS A SHOE TYCOON. DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THOSE WORDS SHOULD FI TOGETHER, DOES IT? IN THIS CASE THEY DO. ALL RIGHT, SO PRIOR TO BEING MARRIED TO MY MOM, HARRY WAS MARRIED TO THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE. THIS IS MARIE McDONALD-- MARIE "THE BODY" McDONALD, AS SHE WAS KNOWN. MARIE WAS AN ACTRESS-- ISH. AND SO THEY ME AND THEY MARRIED, AND THEY HAD A WILD, TEMPESTUOUS RELATIONSHIP. THEY HAD A CHILD. AND THAT WEN SO WELL, THEY ADOPTED TWO MORE. NOW MARIE McDONALD WAS A VERY OPTIMISTIC, ROMANTIC WOMAN. AND I SAY THIS BECAUSE SHE MARRIED A GRAND TOTAL OF NINE TIMES. YEAH. NOW THAT IS A RECORD FOR THE BOARD. AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING, BECAUSE THIS IS A MARRYING BOARD. IF YOU MARRY THAT MANY TIMES, YOU'RE BOUND TO GE A HEADACHE, NO? TWICE GAVE ME A WHOPPER. ANYWAY, I THINK IT DID, YOU KNOW, GIVE POOR MARIE A HEADACHE BECAUSE SHE WOUND UP ADDICTED TO PAINKILLERS. NOW YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING REALLY WILD? I JUST FOUND THIS OUT. IF YOU GET ADDICTED TO PAINKILLERS, IT CAN TURN OUT TO GO VERY WRONG FOR YOU. WHO KNEW THAT? IT DID GO WRONG FOR MARIE, BECAUSE SHE ENDED UP OVERDOSING AND PASSING ON. AND THAT LAST HUSBAND OF HERS SHOT HIMSELF. WELL, THEY LOVED EACH OTHER TO DEATH. SO NOW THERE ARE THESE THREE CHILDREN LEFT. WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH THEM? OH, I KNOW. LET'S SEND THEM TO HARRY AND DEBBIE. THEY ARE TOLD THAT ONE OF THESE THREE CHILDREN SHOULD BE INSTITUTIONALIZED. BUT MY MOTHER IS A GOOD PERSON, MUCH LIKE SARAH PALIN, ONLY SMARTER. AND SHE SAID, "ABSOLUTELY NOT. WE WILL PUT HER IN CARRIE'S ROOM!" IT'S FUNNY NOW. NOW LET'S GO TO EDDIE, SHALL WE? HOW DO YOU FOLLOW AN ACT LIKE ELIZABETH TAYLOR, RIGHT? SO HE-- HE THINKS OF SOMETHING THOUGH. HE DOES PULL SOMETHING TOGETHER. HE MEETS THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE. NOW THIS IS A BLONDE, CUTE, PERKY LITTLE ACTRESS. SOUNDS FAMILIAR, DOESN'T IT? NO, IT'S NO DEBBIE AGAIN. IT'S A TRIBUTE TO DEBBIE. IT'S CONNIE STEVENS! SO THEY ME AND THEY HAD JOELY FISHER AND TRICIA FISHER. OH WAIT. HANG ON A SECOND. DID THEY FORGE TO GET MARRIED? THEY DID. THEY FORGOT. WELL, BUT NOW THEY REMEMBER AND THEY MARRY. BUT AS ALL OF YOU KNOW, LEGAL SEX IS JUST SHITE. THEY HAVE THE DREADFUL LEGAL SEX. THE STORM CLOUDS COME. NICOLE, WHAT HAPPENED? - THEY GET DIVORCED. - THEY GOT A DIVORCE. BUT DON'T WORRY. MY FATHER'S NOT ALONE FOR LONG. BECAUSE NOW HE MEETS AND MARRIES THIS GIRL-- MISS LOUISIANA! YES, SHE'S THREE YEARS OLDER THAN I AM AND SHE CALLS ME "DEAR." SHE'S IN HER EARLY 20s. HE'S IN HIS LATE 50s. SHE HAD SO MANY YEARS TO DEVOTE TO HIM. BUT WEIRDLY, AFTER A VERY SHORT TIME, NICOLE, WHAT HAPPENED? THEY DIVORCED. THEY DIVORCED. I WAS STUNNED. BUT DON'T WORRY. MY FATHER IS NOT ALONE FOR LONG. BECAUSE NOW HE MEETS AND MARRIES THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE. THIS IS BETTY LIN. BETTY'S FROM SHANGHAI. AND SHE TAKES GREAT CARE OF MY DAD, WHICH, YOU KNOW, HE NEEDS. ALSO, BETTY IS RICH, WHICH IS HANDY, 'CAUSE MY FATHER HAS GONE BANKRUP FOUR TIMES BY NOW. ANYWAY, THEY'RE TOGETHER 15 GLORIOUS YEARS. BUT THEN, NICOLE, WHAT HAPPENED? - THEY GOT A DIVORCE? - NO. - NO? - THIS IS A TRICK QUESTION. SHE DID-- SHE PASSED AWAY. I KNOW. IT WAS REALLY SAD. BUT DON'T WORRY. MY DAD IS NOT ALONE FOR LONG. BECAUSE NOW MY FATHER DATES ALL OF CHINATOWN! WELL, NOW HANG ON A SECOND NOW. MY FATHER HAS HAD SO MANY FACELIFTS THAT HE LOOKS ASIAN HIMSELF. IT MAKES I MORE RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHA I'M TALKING ABOUT. SO LET'S RECAP, SHALL WE? OKAY, EDDIE AND DEBBIE HAVE THE GOOD SEX. THEY CELEBRATE. THEY HAVE TODD AND MYSELF. I GROW UP-- ( chuckles ) A MATTER OF OPINION. AND I MEET AND MARRY THIS MAN RIGHT HERE. THIS IS PAUL SIMON. PAUL SIMON IS A SHOR JEWISH SINGER. ( laughter ) A SHOR JEWISH SINGER. ANY QUESTIONS? MY MOTHER MAKES A BLUEPRIN AND I FOLLOW I TO THE LETTER. ALL RIGHT, SO PAUL AND I-- GREAT MARRIAGE, WORDS WORDS, SO MANY WORDS, BIG WORDS, CLEVER WORDS. UH-OH, THE WORDS GET MEAN, NICOLE. WHAT HAPPENED? - YOU DIVORCED. - WE DIVORCED. BUT DON'T WORRY. I AM NOT ALONE FOR LONG, BECAUSE NOW I MEE THIS GOY-- GUY. THIS GUY. THIS IS BRYAN LOURD. BRYAN'S A TALENT AGENT-- LESS WORDS, GOOD SEX. WE CELEBRATE. WE HAVE BILLIE LOURD, OKAY? ELIZABETH TAYLOR AND MIKE TODD-- THEY HAVE LIZA TODD. AND WHEN MIKE PASSES AWAY, MY FATHER ADOPTS HER. ALSO, LIZA IS A WONDERFUL SCULPTRESS. AND SHE MEETS AND MARRIES HER ART PROFESSOR-- PROFESSOR HAP TIVEY. HAP IS SHORT FOR HAPPY, SO HE'S NOT JEWISH. ANYWAY, THEY MEE AND THEY CELEBRATE. THEY HAVE QUINN TIVEY AND RHYS TIVEY. SO QUINN TIVEY AND BILLIE LOURD-- ARE THEY RELATED? Man: NO. ARE THEY? Audience: NO. YES, THEY ARE. I TOLD THEM, "YOU ARE RELATED BY SCANDAL." I JUST-- I HOPE THE TWO OF THEM MARRY SO ALL THIS WILL HAVE BEEN WORTHWHILE. AND THAT IS HOLLYWOOD INBREEDING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. ( grunts ) HOLLYWOOD INBREEDING-- IT'S A LITTLE BI LIKE ROYAL INBREEDING, YOU KNOW. AND CELEBRITY-- IT'S KIND OF LIKE AMERICA'S ROYALTY, RIGHT? I ACTUALLY-- I LIKE TO THINK OF CELEBRITY AS JUST OBSCURITY BIDING ITS TIME. SO... ( laughter ) SO MY BROTHER AND I GREW UP WATCHING OUR PARENTS' ONCE WHITE HOT, BRIGHT STAR OF CELEBRITY SLOWLY DIM, COOL AND FADE. WE WATCHED THIS FROM A HOUSE THAT I CALL THE EMBASSY. 'CAUSE REALLY IT LOOKED MUCH MORE LIKE A PLACE WHERE YOU'D GE YOUR PASSPORT STAMPED, YOU KNOW, WELL, THAN A HOUSE. I MEAN, WHERE WOULD YOU PUT A CHRISTMAS WREATH ON A THING LIKE THIS? IT LOOKS LIKE AN AIR CONDITIONER, DOESN'T IT? SO OBVIOUSLY IT IS A MODERN HOUSE, A WARM HOUSE. AND IT HAD THINGS THAT MOST NORMAL HOUSES DON'T HAVE. FOR EXAMPLE, WE HAD EIGHT LITTLE PINK REFRIGERATORS IN CASE SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARVES SHOWED UP. AND WE HAD A LANAI. OH, WE HAD THREE POOLS, IN CASE TWO BROKE. MY STEPFATHER HARRY KARL-- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED OR NOT-- HE WASN'T REALLY A HANDSOME MAN. BUT BECAUSE HE WAS WEALTHY AND WELL-GROOMED, HE WAS SAID TO BE DISTINGUISHED-LOOKING. THAT'S UGLY WITH MONEY. ( chuckles ) ACTUALLY THEY MADE A MOVIE ABOUT HARRY KARL AND MARIE McDONALD AND THE MULTIPLE MARRIAGES, AND IT WAS CALLED "THE MARRYING MAN." AND ALEC BALDWIN PLAYED HARRY KARL. AND I THINK THE RESEMBLANCE IS ASTONISHING. I REALLY DO. OH, AND THE BARBER THAT CAME EVERY DAY TO KEEP HIM DISTINGUISHED-LOOKING, WE FOUND OUT LATER THAT THAT BARBER WAS ACTUALLY A PIMP WITH A TALEN FOR HAIR. AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WITH PIMPS, NICOLE, YOU KNOW, THEY USUALLY-- THEY CAN'T DO HAIR FOR SHIT. SO, YOU KNOW, THIS MADE MARRIAGE TO MY MOTHER AWKWARD, SO WHAT SHE DID THOUGH WAS-- SHE'S CRAFTY-- SHE GOT-- SHE TOOK THIS MUSICAL IN NEW YORK TO GET OUT OF THE MARRIAGE, WHICH IN HOLLYWOOD IS ACTUALLY A LEGAL WAY TO DISSOLVE A UNION WITHOUT INVOLVING LAWYERS. AND SHE TOOK ME OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL AND PUT ME IN THE CHORUS OF THIS MUSICAL. AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'VE HEARD, CHORUS WORK IS FAR MORE VALUABLE THAN AN EDUCATION WOULD EVER BE, CLEARLY. I GREW UP-- I GREW UP KNOWING THAT I HAD THE PRETTIEST MOTHER OF ANYONE IN MY CLASS. BUT, YOU KNOW, MY MOM-- SHE'S ALSO-- SHE'S A LITTLE BI ECCENTRIC. I MEAN, SHE DOES-- SHE HAS A LOT OF UNIQUE IDEAS. FOR EXAMPLE, SHE THOUGH THAT I SHOULD HAVE A CHILD WITH HER LAST HUSBAND RICHARD BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE NICE EYES. I SHOULD PROBABLY EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU BEFORE YOU THINK IT'S WEIRD. UH, SEE, THE THING IS, MY MOTHER-- SHE'D GONE THROUGH THE CHANGE, YOU KNOW? SO SHE DIDN'T-- SHE COULDN'T HAVE CHILDREN ANYMORE. AND RICHARD DIDN'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN OF HIS OWN YET. AND HE HAD NICE EYES. AND MY WOMB WAS FREE. AND WE'RE RELATED. MY MOTHER WANTS ME TO EXPLAIN TO YOU THAT SHE THOUGH THAT YOU COULD INSEMINATE SOMEONE BY GIVING THEM AN INJECTION IN YOUR ARM, PUTTING THE SEMEN RIGHT HERE. IF SHE EVER THOUGH THAT IT INVOLVED SOMETHING SOUTHERLY, SHE NEVER WOULD'VE SUGGESTED IT, OKAY? NOW MY MOTHER DID NO JUST BRING THIS UP ONCE OR TWICE LIKE A NORMAL MOTHER WOULD, LIKE YOU WOULD. NO, SHE BROUGHT IT UP MANY MANY TIMES AND MOSTLY WHILE I WAS DRIVING. AND WHEN I FINALLY SUGGESTED TO HER THAT, YOU KNOW, MIGHT BE AN ODD IDEA, SHE SAID, "OH DARLING, HAVE YOU READ 'THE ENQUIRER' LATELY? WE LIVE IN A VERY STRANGE WORLD." WELL, WHEN "THE ENQUIRER" BECOMES YOUR STANDARD FOR LIVING, YOU'RE IN A LO OF TROUBLE. WHEN I TOLD MY GRANDMOTHER ABOUT MY MOM'S IDEA, SHE SAID, "WELL, THAT'S NO RIGHT." THE VOICE OF REASON, RIGHT? MY GRANDMA MAXINE-- SHE WAS FROM EL PASO, TEXAS. MY MOTHER'S WHOLE CLAN WAS FROM TEXAS AND ALL AROUND THERE. AND MY FATHER'S PEOPLE WERE FROM SOUTH PHILLY, IN THAT AREA. SO BASICALLY WE'RE WHITE TRASH. WELL, BECAUSE OF THE CELEBRITY FACTOR THOUGH, I LIKE TO THINK OF US AS BLUE-BLOODED WHITE TRASH, YOU KNOW. ANYWAY, I BRING UP MY GRANDMOTHER BECAUSE WHEN MY MOTHER WAS ABOUT SEVEN, MY GRANDMOTHER LOCKED HER IN THE CLOSET. SO AFTER MY MOM HAD BEEN IN THE CLOSE ABOUT AN HOUR, SHE ASKED MY GRANDMOTHER FOR A GLASS OF WATER. AND MY GRANDMOTHER NATURALLY SAID, "WHY?" AND MY MOTHER SAID, "BECAUSE I'VE SPI ALL OVER YOUR DRESSES AND NOW I'VE RUN OU OF SPI AND I WANT TO SPI ALL OVER YOUR SHOES." THESE ARE THE PEOPLE I HAIL FROM, OKAY? MY MOTHER AND I-- ULTIMATELY WE DIDN' GO FORWARD WITH THE PLAN FOR ME TO HAVE RICHARD'S BABY. YEAH, AND I KNOW IT'S PROBABLY BES WE DIDN'T. WELL, I MEAN, ASIDE FROM THE OBVIOUS-- MY SISTER, MY DAUGHTER, MY SISTER, MY DAUGHTER-- OW-- MY MOTHER ENDED UP HATING RICHARD. AND SHE HAD A REALLY REALLY GOOD REASON. THIS MAN-- HE BROKE HER PENSION PLAN. OW. THAT'S HARD TO DO. AND HE TOOK ALL THE MONEY SHE'D MADE SINCE HARRY TOOK THE FIRST BATCH. SO SHE SAYS TO ME AT THIS POINT, "YOU KNOW, DEAR, EDDIE'S STARTING TO LOOK LIKE THE GOOD HUSBAND." "EDDIE THE GOOD HUSBAND" BY ANTON CHEKHOV. WHAT CAN YOU REALLY SAY ABOUT MY FATHER? I'M ASKING YOU. ALL RIGHT, WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHA YOU CAN SAY, BUT HERE'S WHAT I CAN SAY. MY FATHER-- HE IS UNBELIEVABLY CHARMING. I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, YOU WOULD LOVE HIM. HE'S ADORABLE. I MEAN, THERE IS A REASON THAT HE WAS ABLE TO SCORE ALL THA UNBELIEVABLE PUSSY-- WELL, YOU KNOW, I MEAN, AND GET ALL THOSE FANTASTIC WOMEN TO MARRY HIM. Eddie Fisher: IF I LOVED YOU TIME AND AGAIN... MY FATHER IS 81 AND HE SMOKES FIVE JOINTS A DAY, FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES, OF COURSE. SO WE CALL HIM PUFF DADDY. UM... ( applause ) NO, THE GREAT THING ABOUT THAT IS-- WE DID THIS SHOW NEAR TO WHERE MY DAD LIVES. SO HE CAME TO THE OPENING NIGH AND HE BROUGH HIS DEALER. WHICH WAS FANTASTIC, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE YOU REALLY WANT THE DEALER'S POINT OF VIEW ON ANY WORK YOU DO. RIGHT? YOU KNOW WHA I'M TALKING ABOUT. ACTUALLY A FEW MONTHS BACK I SENT MY FATHER A COUPLE A STRIPPERS, AS ONE DOES. AND HE WAS UNBELIEVABLY GRATEFUL. HE CALLED ME AND HE SAID, "BABY, I WILL DO ANYTHING YOU SAY. I MEAN, YOU SAY, 'RUN,' AND I SAY, 'HOW HIGH?'" NOW... ANYWAY, A FEW YEARS BACK BILLIE AND I WEN TO SAN FRANCISCO TO VISIT MY-- WHERE HE LIVES, 'CAUSE THERE IS A REALLY BIG CHINATOWN THERE. THERE IS. AND THE DAY BEFORE, MY FATHER-- HE'D GOTTEN THESE LITTLE HEARING AIDS. YOU KNOW THOSE TEENY TINY ONES? THEY FIT RIGH IN YOUR EARS, RIGHT? THEY'RE SUPER EXPENSIVE. WELL, MY DAD-- HE'D GOTTEN THEM THE DAY BEFORE, RIGHT? SO THE NIGHT BEFORE HE DIDN'T WAN TO LOSE THEM OR FORGE WHERE THEY WERE, SO HE PUT THEM IN HIS PILLBOX NEXT TO HIS BED SO THAT HE WOULD REME-- ( laughter ) YES, IN THE MORNING HE ATE THEM. SO WHENEVER HE COULDN' HEAR BILLIE OR MYSELF, WE'D YELL INTO HIS STOMACH OR HIS ASS. I WISH I WAS KIDDING. SUBSEQUENTLY HE GO THE HEARING AIDS AGAIN AND I DID HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEE THEM. THEY ARE SIZE OF A LIMA BEAN-- A RUBBER LIMA BEAN WITH AN ANTENNA. NOW LOOK, I ADORE PILLS. I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, HUGE FAN. BUT THESE WERE TRULY LIKE NONE I HAD EVER SEEN. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LIKE IN THE MORNING. WELL, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LIKE, BUT... I AM NOT THAT SHARP, BUT I THINK I WOULD KNOW IF I WERE EATING A RUBBER LIMA BEAN WITH AN ANTENNA TWICE. WELL, IF YOU HAVE A LIFE LIKE MINE-- AND I KNOW SOME OF YOU DO, 'CAUSE I RECOGNIZE YOU FROM MY GROUP, YES-- THEN THESE THINGS-- THEY GRADUALLY ACCUMULATE UNTIL YOU BECOME KNOWN AS A SURVIVOR. IT'S A TERM I REALLY DON'T-- I DON'T LIKE IT, YOU KNOW, REALLY. BUT THE THING IS, WHEN YOU ARE A SURVIVOR-- WHICH, OKAY, WHATEVER. I, YOU KNOW, RELUCTANTLY AGREE THAT I AM, AND WHO HERE OVER 40 ISN'T? BUT WHEN YOU ARE A SURVIVOR, IN ORDER TO BE A REALLY GOOD ONE, YOU HAVE TO KEEP GETTING IN TROUBLE TO SHOW OFF YOUR GIFT. NOW MY MOTHER SAYS, "WELL, DEAR, WHAT ARE THE CHOICES? NOT SURVIVING?" MY MOTHER, WHO INCIDENTALLY LIVES NEXT DOOR TO ME-- THAT'S NOT FUNNY-- SHE CALLS ME TO THIS DAY AND SAYS, "HELLO, DEAR. THIS IS YOUR MOTHER DEBBIE." HEY, IT COULD BE MY MOTHER VLADIMIR. YOU NEVER EVER KNOW. I HAD BEEN SINGING IN MY MOTHER'S NIGHTCLUB AC SINCE I WAS ABOUT 13, YOU KNOW, LIKE MOST TEENAGERS. AND I CONTINUED TO PERFORM WITH HER TILL I WAS 17. DON'T BE NERVOUS. IT'S JUST ALL SHOW BUSINESS. THAT'S ALL. WOULD YOU SING MY FAVORITE FOR ME FOR JULIE AND JERRY? DON'T SAY NO. JUST SING RIGHT OUT. AND THE LAST PLACE THAT WE PLAYED TOGETHER WAS THE LONDON PALLADIUM. AND I GO PRETTY GOOD REVIEWS. SO THIS CHOREOGRAPHER GUY RON SOMETHING-- ANYWAY, HE CALLS ME AND HE ASKS ME IF I WANT TO DO MY OWN NIGHTCLUB ACT. MY MOTHER-- MY MOTHER THOUGH THIS WAS TRULY A LOUSY IDEA. SHE THOUGHT INSTEAD THAT I SHOULD GO TO DRAMA COLLEGE IN ENGLAND BECAUSE IT WOULD BRING RESPECTABILITY TO THE FAMILY. LIKE WE WERE A BUNCH OF HOOKERS, YOU KNOW, AND DRAMA COLLEGE IN ENGLAND IS THE ONLY WAY TO ERADICATE A TAIN LIKE THAT. ANYWAY, SO NOW IT'S 1973 AND I'M 17 AND I'M ENROLLED IN THE CENTRAL SCHOOL OF SPEECH AND DRAMA IN LONDON. AND, YOU KNOW, LIKE I SAID, AT FIRST I JUST-- I REALLY DID NO WANT TO GO. BUT ONCE I GOT THERE, IT WAS TRULY SOME OF THE BEST TIMES OF MY LIFE. I MEAN, IT WAS THE ONLY UNEXAMINED PAR OF MY LIFE WHERE I WAS JUST A STUDEN AMONG STUDENTS, GOING TO VOICE AND MOVEMENT CLASS AND LEARNING WEIRD LITTLE TONGUE TWISTERS LIKE-- "ALL I WANT IS A PROPER CUP OF COFFEE MADE IN A PROPER COPPER COFFEE POT. YOU CAN BELIEVE IT OR NOT, BUT I WANT A CUP OF COFFEE IN A PROPER COFFEE POT. TIN COFFEE POTS AND IRON COFFEE POTS-- THEY'RE NO USE TO ME. IF I CAN'T HAVE A PROPER CUP OF COFFEE IN A PROPER COPPER COFFEE POT, - I'LL HAVE A CUP OF TEA." - ( applause ) NOW-- OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH. IF YOU ENJOYED MY PERFORMANCE AS PRINCESS LEIA-- AND WHO COULD RESIS MY STUNNING, LAYERED, MOVING, NOT-UNLIKE-MARY-POPPINS PERFORMANCE? --THEN IT IS THANKS TO TONGUE TWISTERS LIKE THAT. CONSIDER: "YOU'LL NEVER GE THAT BUCKET OF BOLTS PAST THAT BLOCKADE, PROPER COPPER COFFEE POT." OR: "WHY, YOU STUCK-UP, HALF-WITTED, SCRUFFY-LOOKING NERF HERDER. PROPER COPPER COFFEE POT, I'D LIKE A CUP OF TEA." IT'S DIALOGUE FROM THE "STAR WARS" FILM. AND DON'T FORGET, I HAD THAT WEIRD LITTLE THAT CAME AND WEN LIKE WEATHER OR BLOA ALL THROUGH THE MOVIE. GOVERNOR TARKIN, I SHOULD'VE EXPECTED TO FIND YOU HOLDING VADER'S LEASH. I RECOGNIZED YOUR FOUL STENCH WHEN I WAS BROUGHT ONBOARD. ( laughter ) ( applause ) AND ALL MY FRIENDS MADE FUN OF ME BECAUSE THEY SAID THAT THE TITLE OF THE FILM SOUNDED LIKE A FIGH BETWEEN MY ORIGINAL PARENTS-- "STAR WARS." ( monitors bleeping ) ( applause ) WELL, I-- YOU KNOW. WELL, BUT HERE'S THE THING-- AS YOU AGE, IT'S ABOUT DIGNITY. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO. IT'S REALLY UNAVOIDABLE. ( chuckles ) GEORGE LUCAS RUINED MY LIFE. I MEAN THAT IN THE NICES POSSIBLE WAY. AND NOW PEOPLE ARE STILL ASKING ME IF I KNEW "STAR WARS" WAS GONNA BE THAT BIG OF A HIT. YES. I KNEW. WE ALL KNEW. THE ONLY ONE WHO DIDN'T KNOW WAS GEORGE LUCAS. WE KEPT IT FROM HIM 'CAUSE WE WANTED TO SEE WHAT HIS FACE LOOKED LIKE WHEN IT CHANGED EXPRESSION. AND THE MAN FOOLED US EVEN THEN. HE GOT I.L.M. TO CHANGE HIS FACIAL EXPRESSIONS FOR HIM AND T.H.X. SOUND TO MAKE THE NOISE OF A FACE CHANGING EXPRESSIONS. NOW NOT ONLY WAS THIS MAN VIRTUALLY EXPRESSIONLESS IN THOSE DAYS, BUT HE ALSO-- HE HARDLY TALKED AT ALL. WHEN I GO THIS JOB, THEY TOLD ME THAT I HAD TO LOSE 10 LBS. WELL, I WEIGHED ABOU 105 AT THE TIME. WELL, NO, BUT TO BE FAIR NOW, I CARRIED ABOU 50 OF THOSE POUNDS IN MY FACE. SO YOU KNOW WHAT A GOOD IDEA WOULD BE THOUGH? GIVE ME A HAIRSTYLE THAT FURTHER WIDENS MY ALREADY WIDE FACE. BUT GEORGE LUCAS-- YOU KNOW, I MEAN, THE MA-- HE IS A VISIONARY, RIGHT? I MEAN, HE HAS TRANSPORTED AUDIENCES THE WORLD OVER AND HE'S PROVIDED MARK AND HARRISON AND MYSELF WITH ENOUGH FAN MAIL AND EVEN A SMALL, MERRY BAND OF STALKERS, KEEPING US ENTERTAINED FOR THE REST OF OUR UNNATURAL LIVES. NO, MY FAVORITE FAN STORY ACTUALLY HAPPENED LAST YEAR. WE WERE DOING THE SHOW IN SANTA FE. AND SO I GO INTO THIS ROCK SHOP ONE DAY, AS ONE DOES, AND THE GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER GOES, "AREN'T YOU--?" AND I'M-- "YEAH." HE SAID, "I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU EVERY DAY FROM WHEN I WAS 12 TO WHEN I WAS 22." AND I SAID, "EVERY DAY?" AND HE SAID, "WELL, FOUR TIMES A DAY." ( audience exclaiming, laughing ) WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY? "THANK YOU." BUT NOW DON'T FORGET, GEORGE LUCAS-- HE WAS THE MAN WHO MADE ME INTO A LITTLE DOLL-- A LITTLE DOLL THAT MY FIRST HUSBAND COULD STICK PINS INTO WHEN HE WAS ANNOYED WITH ME. THEN I WAS A SHAMPOO WHERE YOU COULD TWIST OFF MY HEAD AND POUR LIQUID OUT OF MY NECK. AND I WAS A SOAP-- A SOAP WHICH READ: "LATHER UP WITH LEIA AND YOU'LL FEEL LIKE A PRINCESS YOURSELF, BOYS." AND, OH, I'M A STAMP. NOW THAT'S REALLY COOL-- I MEAN, WELL, ASIDE FROM THE LICKING. BUT, OH WAIT, DO YOU KNOW THE-- YOU KNOW THOSE MR. POTATO HEAD THINGS, RIGHT? WELL, THEY ACTUALLY-- THEY MADE A STAR WARS MR. POTATO HEAD LINE, SO YOU MIGH RECOGNIZE ME AS PRINCESS TATER AND MY HUSBAND DICK AND OUR DAUGHTER REHABILA TATER. BUT THE MAIN THING-- THE MAIN MAIN THING THAT I'VE BEEN MADE INTO, WHICH HAS JUST-- IT'S ENHANCED MY LIFE JUST ENORMOUSLY-- I'M A PEZ DISPENSER. NO, I AM. I AM. SERIOUSLY. NO. AND IF SOMEONE OFFERS TO MAKE YOU INTO A PEZ DISPENSER, DO IT! BECAUSE IT JUST-- IT MAKES YOUR WHOLE LIFE BETTER. I MEAN, REALLY, IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN MERCHANDISED FOR THE LAS 30-PLUS YEARS, YOU HAVEN'T LIVED. IF ONLY IT WERE AEROBIC. NOW AMONG GEORGE'S MANY POSSESSIONS, THE MAN OWNS MY LIKENESS. SO EVERY TIME I LOOK IN A MIRROR I HAVE TO SEND HIM A COUPLE OF BUCKS. YOU KNOW, THEY-- I SAW THIS OTHER LEIA FIGURINE RECENTLY AT, YOU KNOW, ONE OF THOSE COMIC BOOK CONVENTIONS, RIGHT? WHICH, YES, I GO TO WHEN I'M LONELY. ANYWAY, SO THIS PARTICULAR FIGURINE-- IT'S ON A TURNSTILE, RIGHT? SO WHEN IT GETS TO A PARTICULAR-- OH, VISUAL AIDS. WHEN IT GETS TO A PARTICULAR PLACE ON A TURNSTILE, YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE UP MY DRESS TO MY ANATOMICALLY CORRECT, THOUGH SHAVED, GALAXY SNATCH. I WAS A LITTLE TAKEN ABACK BY THIS, YOU KNOW? SO I CALLED GEORGE AND I SAID, "YOU KNOW, OWNING MY LIKENESS DOES NOT INCLUDE OWNING MY LAGOON OF MYSTERY." OH, AND DO YOU REMEMBER THAT WHITE DRESS I WORE ALL THROUGH THE FIRST FILM? I MEAN, UNLESS YOU DIDN' SEE "STAR WARS," IN WHICH CASE, WHY ARE YOU HERE? SO THEY PU THE DRESS ON ME THE FIRST DAY. THEY BRING ME TO GEORGE. TAKES ONE LOOK AT ME AND HE SAYS, "YOU CAN'T WEAR A BRA UNDERNEATH THAT DRESS." SO I SAY, "WHY?" HE SAYS, "BECAUSE THERE'S NO UNDERWEAR IN SPACE." I SWEAR TO GOD, I PROMISE YOU THAT HE SAID THIS. AND THE MAN SAID I WITH SUCH CONVICTION TOO, YOU KNOW, LIKE HE'D ACTUALLY BEEN TO SPACE, LOOKED AROU-- DIDN'T SEE ANY BRAS OR PANTIES OR BRIEFS. BUT, YOU KNOW, CLEARLY NOW-- CLEARLY THEY HAVE GONE AS FAR AS THEY CAN GO WITH THIS WHOLE DOLL THING, RIGHT? I MEAN, WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO NOW, YOU KNOW, COME UP WITH, LIKE, A LIFE-SIZE LEIA, YOU KNOW, STEPFORD LEIA TO RENDER ME OBSOLETE? YOU'D GO TO HER SHOW. SO, I MEAN, AT LEAST THEY HAVE NO DONE THAT YET. AND THANK GOD. THANK GOD THEY HAVE NO COME UP WITH A LEIA SEX DOLL, YOU KNOW? 'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE REALLY HUMILIATING. I MEAN, THANK GOD THEY HAVE NOT COME UP WITH A LIFE-SIZE LEIA SEX DOLL THAT THEY CHARGE $800 FOR THAT YOU COULD PU IN YOUR CORNFIELD TO CHASE AWAY CROWS. OH. OH LOOK. THEY HAVE. ALL RIGHT, NOW, YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY I DID KNOW ABOUT THIS. AND IT ACTUALLY-- YOU KNOW, IT HAS ITS USES. BECAUSE IF EVER ANYONE FROM THE AUDIENCE SCREAMS OUT, "GO FUCK YOURSELF, CARRIE"... I CAN GIVE IT A WHIRL. SOMEBODY HAS TO SAVE OUR SKINS. Younger Carrie: I WAS THE PRIZE PRINCESS. I SWEAR, BY THE TIME I'M 30 I'LL GET THOSE BRAIDS OFF MY HEAD SOMEHOW. Man: T-MINUS FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE. Photographers: CARRIE! CARRIE! Carrie: I WANT IT TO STOP. RECENTLY I GOOGLED MYSELF WITHOUT A LUBRICANT. AND-- WHICH I DO NO RECOMMEND, OKAY? AND I CAME ACROSS THIS POSTING THAT SOMEBODY MADE ABOUT ME. AND IT SAID, "WHATEVER HAP--?" WELL, "W-T-F HAPPENED TO CARRIE FISHER? SHE USED TO BE SO HOT. NOW SHE LOOKS LIKE ELTON JOHN." WELL, YOU KNOW, THIS HURT ALL SEVEN OF MY FEELINGS, PARTLY BECAUSE I KNEW WHAT HE MEANT. BUT, YOU KNOW, THE THING IS I WAS HO WHEN MOST PEOPLE ARE HOT, YOU KNOW-- LIKE IN THEIR 20s AND 30s. I DID NOT REALIZE THAT WHEN I DONNED THA FRICKING METAL BIKINI BACK WHEN I WAS 23, THAT I HAD MADE AN INVISIBLE CONTRAC TO STAY LOOKING THE EXACT SAME WAY FOR THE NEX 30 TO 40 YEARS. WELL, OBVIOUSLY I'VE BETRAYED THE CONTRACT. OVER THE PAS COUPLE YEARS ACTUALLY I HAVE BEEN HAVING A SERIES OF E.C.T. TREATMENTS. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THAT IS? 'CAUSE THEY WOULDN' TELL ME. WHAT IS IT? WHAT? Man: ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY. ( laughs ) ELECTROSHOCK TH-- WHY WOULD THEY GIVE THAT TO ME? THAT'S JUST-- WELL, ALL RIGHT. DID YOU SEE "ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST"? WASN'T I FANTASTIC? NO, IT IS NO LIKE THAT ANYMORE. IT ISN'T, REALLY. I MEAN, NOW IT'S REALLY FUN. AND I TOTALLY RECOMMEND IT. YOU KNOW, IF THERE'S, LIKE, AN OVERCAST DAY, NO NEW MOVIES OUT, DO IT! SERIOUSLY, I MEAN, IT TAKES AWAY EVERY VESTIGE OF DEPRESSION. IT GETS YOU TOTALLY OFF YOUR BACK. HERE'S-- THE OTHER THING IS THERE'S NO CONVULSIONS ANYMORE. THEY GIVE YOU THIS MEDICATION. PROBABLY THEY COULD CALL IT E.T. BUT THAT WOULD BE REALLY SILLY, WOULDN'T IT? BECAUSE THEN IF I SAID I HAD E.T. EARLIER IN THE WEEK, YOU'D THINK I FUCKED AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL-- ESPECIALLY ME. UH, NO, BUT-- THE THING IS THOUGH, LIKE I SAID, IT IS-- REALLY, IT IS FANTASTIC. HOWEVER, THERE IS A TINY TINY LITTLE DOWNSIDE. ALONG WITH THE DEPRESSION, IT TAKES A TEENY DOGGY BAG OF ABOUT FOUR MONTHS OF MEMORY. WORTH IT! WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN TO ME IN ONE FOUR MONTHS AT MY AGE THAT CAN'T HAPPEN IN ANOTHER FOUR? NOW I TELL YOU THIS BECAUSE IF AT ANY POIN DURING THE UPCOMING FESTIVITIES I DRAW A BLANK-- WHICH IS A CONTRADICTION IN TERMS, BY THE WAY, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT-- THEN, YOU KNOW, FORGIVE ME OR DON'T FORGIVE ME. BUT AT LEAS YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENING. WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN FREQUENTLY SAY. OKAY, WE'VE GOTTEN THROUGH ALL THAT. ALL RIGHT, SO NOW EVERY SO OFTEN YOU MEE A MAGIC PERSON. AND THAT'S REALLY-- THAT IS HOW I FEL WHEN I MET PAUL. I'M SITTING IN THE RAILWAY STATION GOT A TICKE FOR MY DESTINATION... WE HAD THE SECRET HANDSHAKE OF SHARED SENSIBILITY. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I MEAN, WE UNDERSTOOD EACH OTHER PERFECTLY. YOU KNOW, PAUL AND I-- WE WERE ACTUALLY TOGETHER OVER 12 YEARS-- WELL, OFF AND ON. AND SO, YOU KNOW, WE TRAVELED A LOT TOGETHER, AND HE DID HIS SIMON AND GARFUNKELING AND STUFF. AND PAUL-- HE WROTE AN ALBUM BASED ON SOUTH AMERICAN MUSIC. AND THAT ALBUM WAS CALLED "THE RHYTHM OF THE SAINTS." AND ON I WAS THE LAST SONG THAT PAUL EVER WROTE ABOUT ME. NOW IF YOU CAN GET PAUL TO WRITE A SONG ABOUT YOU, DO IT! BECAUSE HE IS SO SO GOOD AT IT. BUT THIS SONG WAS CALLED "SHE MOVES ON"-- IRONIC TITLE. AND SO THERE'S THIS LYRIC IN I THAT I WANTED TO SHARE WITH YOU, 'CAUSE I'M FEELING KIND OF A CLOSENESS NOW, YOU KNOW? AND THAT LYRIC IS-- "I'M AFRAID THAT I'LL BE TAKEN, ABANDONED AND FORSAKEN IN HER COLD COFFEE EYES." YEAH. I'M A BITCH. NO, BUT NO, WAIT. HE WROTE ANOTHER SONG ABOUT ME. AND THIS ONE WAS CALLED "ALLERGIES." AND THE LYRIC IN THAT WAS-- "MY HEART IS ALLERGIC TO THE WOMAN I LOVE, AND IT'S CHANGING THE SHAPE OF MY FACE." IS THAT FLATTERING? NO, I DON'T THINK IT IS EITHER. BUT MY FAVORITE ALBUM OF HIS THOUGH IS THIS ALBUM THAT'S CALLED "HEARTS AND BONES." AND THE TITLE SONG-- ( "Hearts and Bones" playing ) WELL, IT ACT-- IT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE THIS, BUT THIS COULDN'T BE IT, 'CAUSE WE DIDN'T GE PERMISSION TO USE IT. SO THAT WOULD BE BAD, WOULDN'T IT? OH, IT WOULD NO BE BAD BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I NEVER TOOK ANY ALIMONY FROM PAUL. SO THINK OF I THIS WAY-- YOU'RE LISTENING TO MY ALIMONY. AND LOVELY ALIMONY IT IS. OH, WE GOT PERMISSION. ANYWAY, THE LYRIC IS, "ONE AND ONE HALF WANDERING JEWS--" - ONE AND ONE-HALF WANDERING JEWS... - I'M THE HALF, FROM EDDIE. - RETURNED TO THEIR NATURAL COASTS - WEST IS MY NATURAL-- TO RESUME OLD ACQUAINTANCES AND STEP OUT OCCASIONALLY AND SPECULATE WHO HAD BEEN DAMAGED THE MOST... WHO HAD BEEN DAMAGED THE MOST. GUESS WHO WON THAT CONTEST! NOW I MARRIED PAUL WHEN I WAS 26. AND WE GOT DIVORCED WHEN I WAS 28. AND AT 29 I WENT INTO REHAB. NOW OBVIOUSLY NO BECAUSE I NEEDED I BUT BECAUSE-- WELL, I WAS DOING RESEARCH FOR MY NOVEL "POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE" AND I NEEDED TO MEE SOME REAL ADDICTS AND ALCOHOLICS, YOU KNOW, FOR, LIKE, THE VERACITY OF THE NOVEL. OKAY, FINE. YES, I AM AN ADDICT. YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY RELIGION IS THE OPIATE OF THE MASSES? WELL, I TOOK MASSES OF OPIATES RELIGIOUSLY. NOW I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK. AND I KNEW WHAT THE FIRS LINE WOULD BE: "MAYBE I SHOULDN' HAVE GIVEN THE GUY WHO PUMPED MY STOMACH MY PHONE NUMBER, BUT HE'LL PROBABLY NEVER CALL ME ANYWAY." AND THIS ACTUALLY WAS BASED ON A TRUE THING. SUZANNE, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO PUMP YOUR STOMACH! ( moans ) 'CAUSE, SEE, THE DOCTOR THAT PUMPED MY STOMACH SENT ME FLOWERS WITH A NOTE WHICH READ: "I CAN TELL THAT YOU'RE A VERY WARM AND SENSITIVE PERSON." THEY'RE FROM THE GUY WHO PUMPED MY STOMACH. I WROTE "POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE," THE BOOK, THE NOVEL, WHEN I WAS, LIKE, 28 OR 29 IN LOS ANGELES. THEN I GOT BACK TOGETHER WITH PAUL AGAIN. SO I WROTE THE SCREENPLAY OF "POSTCARDS" IN NEW YORK. THEN THEY START FILMING THE MOVIE IN L.A. WITH MERYL STREEP AND SHIRLEY MacLAINE. I WANT TO BE ON THAT SET, RIGHT? SO I START TRAVELING OUT TO L.A. FROM NEW YORK A LOT. AND THIS WAS REALLY BAD FOR MY RELATIONSHIP WITH PAUL. I MEAN, THINGS WERE GETTING WORSE FASTER THAN WE COULD LOWER OUR STANDARDS. I-- PRETTY SOON WE DID KNOW THAT IT WAS OVER. MIKE NICHOLS ACTUALLY USED TO SAY ABOUT US THAT WE WERE TWO FLOWERS, NO GARDENER. NO ONE WAS MINDING THE RELATIONSHIP. SO ONE OF THE LAST TIMES I WAS FLYING BACK OU TO L.A. AGAIN, RIGHT? AND SO PAUL AND I HAD BEEN FIGHTING ALL MORNING. HE DRIVES ME TO THE AIRPOR TO GET RID OF ME FASTER. AND I'M ABOUT TO GE ON THE PLANE, RIGHT? SO I TURN TO HIM AND I SAY, "YOU'LL FEEL BAD IF I CRASH." AND HE SAID, "MAYBE NOT." ( laughs ) SO... PAUL AND I WEN OUR RESPECTIVE WAYS. AND HE WENT ON TO MARRY SOMEONE YOUNGER THAN HIMSELF-- EDIE BRICKELL FROM THE SOUTH. SO, NOT TO BE OUTDONE, I MARRIED SOMEONE YOUNGER THAN MYSELF-- BRYAN LOURD, ALSO FROM THE SOUTH. NOW... THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN OUR CHOICES-- MY CHOICE FORGOT TO TELL ME THAT HE WAS GAY. WELL, HE FORGO TO TELL ME AND I FORGO TO NOTICE. REALLY, THOUGH LATER ON BRYAN-- HE DID-- HE EXPLAINED TO ME THAT I HAD TURNED HIM GAY BY TAKING CODEINE AGAIN. AND I SAID, "YOU KNOW, I NEVER READ THAT WARNING ON THE LABEL. I THOUGHT IT SAID 'HEAVY MACHINERY,' NOT 'HOMOSEXUALITY.' I COULD HAVE BEEN DRIVING THOSE TRACTORS ALL ALONG." TURNING PEOPLE GAY THOUGH-- IT IS KIND OF A SUPERPOWER OF MINE. ADMITTEDLY NO, IT IS NO CALLED UPON A LOT. BUT WHEN IT IS, I PICK UP MY PINK PHONE, I PUT ON MY RAINBOW-COLORED CAPE, AND I'M THERE LIKE A SHOT. NOW, YOU KNOW, I WAS PROBABLY REBOUNDING FROM PAUL A LITTLE BI WHEN I MET BRYAN A WEEK LATER. BUT BRYAN THOUGH-- BRYAN, HE WAS REALLY REALLY HANDSOME. WELL, HE STILL IS. HE IS. LOOK, THAT'S WHA HE LOOKS LIKE NOW. WHEN I MET HIM HE HAD HAIR. I DO THAT TOO. I MAKE THEM BALD, I TURN THEM GAY-- MY WORK IS DONE. BUT, YOU KNOW, WHEN I FIRS MET BRYAN, HE TOOK REALLY GOOD CARE OF ME. HE TOOK SUCH GOOD CARE OF ME THAT I THOUGHT, "YOU KNOW, THIS GUY WILL MAKE A GOOD FATHER." AND HE DID. SO, YOU KNOW, FEARING NOW THAT EVERYTHING WOULD BE ALL RIGHT, NINE MONTHS LATER MY DAUGHTER WAS DRAGGED FROM MY BODY AS THOUGH IT WERE A BURNING BUILDING. AND ONCE THIS WELL-FED, ROUND CREATURE WAS RESCUED FROM THE RUBBLE OF ME, I SENT OU BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENTS WHICH READ: "SOMEONE SUMMERED IN MY STOMACH, SOMEONE'S FALLEN THROUGH MY LEGS. TO MAKE AN INFANT OMELET, SIMPLY SCRAMBLE SPERM AND EGGS." THANK YOU. WE NAMED OUR ADORABLE LITTLE OMELET BILLIE-- BILLIE CATHERINE. SO, YOU KNOW, A YEAR LATER, WHEN BRYAN LEFT ME FOR SCOTT, WHO BECAME THE MAN THAT GOT THE MAN THAT GOT AWAY, ALL OF MY FRIENDS TALKED TO ME LIKE THEIR HAIR WAS HEAVIER ON ONE SIDE. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? HOW ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU OKAY? BUT MY MOTHER THOUGH-- MY MOTHER WAS-- SHE WAS AWESOME TO ME DURING THIS TIME. SHE REALLY WAS. I MEAN, MY MOTHER-- WELL, OBVIOUSLY SHE'S LIKE A MOTHER TO ME. BUT-- NO, BUT SHE SAID THIS FANTASTIC THING. SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW, DEAR, WE'VE HAD ALL SORTS OF MEN IN OUR FAMILY. WE'VE HAD HORSE THIEVES AND ONE-MAN BANDS AND ALCOHOLICS. BUT THIS IS OUR FIRST HOMOSEXUAL." NOW, YOU KNOW, HAVING REALLY ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH BRYAN, ABOUT-- ABOUT A YEAR AFTER THIS I WAS INVITED TO GO TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL. AND-- WELL, YOU DON'T WAN TO BE RUDE, RIGHT? SO YOU GO. WELL, WAIT A-- WAIT A SECOND NOW. IT'S A REALLY REALLY EXCLUSIVE INVITATION. I MEAN, HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE BEEN INVITED TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL? I'M ASKING YOU FOR REAL. ONE HUMAN. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - JIMMY. - JIMMY. I TOLD YOU THOUGH, IT'S VERY EXCLUSIVE-- JUST JIMMY AND MYSELF. OH. MY MOTHER WANTS YOU ALL TO KNOW THIS COMES FROM MY FATHER'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY. SHE IS AS NORMAL AS THE DAY IS LONG. NOW MY DIAGNOSIS-- I KNOW THIS WILL STUN YOU-- WAS MANIC DEPRESSION. I THINK NOW THEY CALL I BIPOLAR, RIGHT? SO YOU MIGHT SAY I SWING BOTH WAYS. OH, WAIT WAIT. NOW THIS IS REALLY GONNA IMPRESS YOU: I AM ACTUALLY IN THE ABNORMAL PSYCHOLOGY TEXTBOOK. - COME ON, HOW COOL IS THAT? - ( applause ) NO, WAIT WAIT WAI WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT. KEEP IN MIND, I AM A PEZ DISPENSER AND I'M IN THE ABNORMAL PSYCHOLOGY TEXTBOOK! ( applause ) WHO SAYS YOU CAN' HAVE IT ALL? NOW, YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY MY FAMILY'S SO PROUD, BUT THE THING IS I HEARD THAT I WAS IN THIS TEXTBOOK AND I HEARD I WAS IN THERE WITH A PICTURE. AND I THOUGHT, "WHAT PICTURE?" YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE EVER PHONED ME AND SAID, "HAVE YOU GOT A LITTLE SNAPSHOT OF YOURSELF LOOKING DEPRESSED OR MANIC?" YOU KNOW, LIKE FROM THIS SHOW. AND, YOU KNOW, RATHER THAN DESCRIBE I TO YOU, I SO BADLY WAN TO SHOW IT TO YOU. ( laughter ) NO, IT'S TRUE. IT'S REAL. SO I'M NOT CRAZY. THAT BITCH IS. ANYONE THAT WOULD WEAR A STUPID HAIRSTYLE LIKE THA HAS TO BE NUTS. NOW I HAVE TWO MOODS THAT I'VE NAMED ROY AND PAM. NOW ROY IS ROLLICKING ROY, THE WILD RIDE OF A MOOD. AND PAM-- PAM IS SEDIMENT PAM WHO STANDS ON THE SHORE AND SOBS. ONE MOOD IS THE MEAL, THE NEXT MOOD-- THE CHECK. EVER SINCE MY FATEFUL ANNOUNCEMEN ON "DIANE SAWYER" THAT I WAS MENTALLY ILL... I WENT INTO THIS OTHER PLACE. AND I WAS HALLUCINATING. LIKE ANYONE NEEDED TO KNOW THAT, RIGHT? I COULD SEE CITIES OF THE-- FUTURISTIC CITIES OUT THE WINDOW. I MEAN, DON'T YOU HATE I WHEN CELEBRITIES JUST-- BLAH BLAH BLAH-- TALK ABOUT THEMSELVES, YOU KNOW... IT WAS AS THOUGH YOU COULD FEEL THE BACK OF THE COOL OF THE MOOD WITH YOUR HAND. ...TELL YOU EVERYTHING? I MEAN, WHO ASKED, RIGHT? I JUST-- I FIND IT ALL SO WEARYING. ACTUALLY, THAT IS MY POINT OF VIEW. THAT'S WHY WHAT YOU'RE WATCHING RIGHT NOW IS ME TALK ABOUT MYSELF BEHIND MY BACK. NOW IF CARRIE-- IF CARRIE EVER FOUND OU THAT CARRIE FISHER IS DOING A SOLIPSISTIC, PEOPLE-PLEASING SHOW LIKE THIS, SHE WOULD BE SO HUMILIATED. SO, PLEASE, IF YOU RUN INTO HER, ( whispers ) DON'T SAY ANYTHING. ANYWAY, HAVING WAITED MY ENTIRE LIFE TO GET AN AWARD FOR SOMETHING-- YOU KNOW, ANYTHING. I DON'T CARE. OKAY FINE, NOT ACTING. WHAT ABOUT A TEENY ONE FOR WRITING? --I NOW GET AWARDS ALL THE TIME FOR BEING MENTALLY ILL. NO, REALLY. I AM APPARENTLY VERY VERY GOOD AT I AND I GET HONORED FOR IT REGULARLY. MY DAUGHTER-- SHE TELLS ME WHEN SHE GROWS UP SHE WANTS TO EITHER BE A SINGER OR A COMIC. I SAID, "WELL, BABY, IF YOU WANT TO BE A COMIC, YOU GOTTA BE A WRITER. BUT DON'T WORRY. YOU HAVE GO TONS OF MATERIAL. YOUR MOTHER IS A MANIC-DEPRESSIVE DRUG ADDICT, YOUR FATHER IS GAY, YOUR GRANDMOTHER TAP DANCES AND YOUR GRANDFATHER EATS HEARING AIDS." AND MY DAUGHTER LAUGHS AND LAUGHS AND LAUGHS. AND I SAID, "BABY, THE FACT THAT YOU KNOW THAT'S FUNNY IS GONNA SAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE." YEAH. LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION. NOW I HEARD SOMEONE SAY RECENTLY THAT MANY OF US ONLY SEEM ABLE TO FIND HEAVEN BY BACKING AWAY FROM HELL. AND, YOU KNOW, WHILE THE PLACE I'VE ARRIVED A IN MY LIFE ISN'T PRECISELY EVERYONE'S IDEA OF HEAVENLY, I COULD SWEAR SOMETIMES, IF I'M QUIET ENOUGH... I CAN HEAR THE ANGELS SING. EITHER THA OR I FUCKED UP MY MEDICATION. BUT-- ( siren wailing ) SHIT, THERE'S MY RIDE. BEFORE I GO THOUGH I WANTED TO SHARE WITH YOU SOME OF THE WISDOMS THAT I HAVE ACQUIRED, YOU KNOW, FROM GOING THROUGH ALL THIS SHIT, OKAY? FIRST ONE-- RESENTMENT IS LIKE DRINKING A POISON AND WAITING FOR THE OTHER PERSON TO DIE. NOW SOME OF THE WISDOMS THAT I HAVE I GOT FROM MY GRANDMOTHER-- MY MOTHER'S MOTHER, THE CLOSET LOCKER-- WHO TAUGHT ME A FLY IS AS LIKELY TO LAND ON SHI AS IT IS ON PIE. THAT'S TRUE. ( laughs ) SHE ALSO SAID, "CRY ALL YOU WANT. YOU'LL PEE LESS." ( piano playing ) YOUR CARES AND TROUBLES ARE GONE THERE'LL BE NO MORE FROM NOW ON FROM NOW ON HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN THE SKIES ABOVE... ( recording continues ) ARE CLEAR AGAIN SO LET'S SING A SONG OF CHEER AGAIN HAPPY TIMES HAPPY NIGHTS HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN. HAPPY TIMES HAPPY NIGHTS HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN. OKAY. THERE. BYE. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THE DREAMS I DREAMED HAVE ALL GONE ASTRAY. |
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