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NO FOOTBALL
Hi, Milus, good morning.
Girls, buy special jogging bras...
- ...or your tits will hang low.
- You buy one!
Bless you, father.
- I don't see you in church.
- You will.
Damn it, I must hold my button.
Hello.
- Have you passed biology?
- It was all right.
- See you, Francesco.
- Bye.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Francik.
SUCKERED IN
Hi there.
- What have you cooked today?
- Canteen's specialty:
meat patties. Go on, try it.
What?
Well?
Good.
- Hi, Mafia.
- Hi.
Breakfast.
- Francesco...
- Sorry.
- You're sweet.
- Am I?
And you know what I like.
I do.
- Stop, someone will come.
- Sorry, I can't.
Onion and marjoram bouquet...
Parsley.
A little seasoning and
it would be divine.
- What would you add?
- Honestly? Garlic.
Your meat always lacks
garlic, my friend.
I can't. The crew would breathe
garlic into the upholstery.
- You're coming to the pub, Neck?
- I don't know...
What? There's a match!
- Jadwiga may have plans...
- Stop wiggling.
What plans can she have?
A soap opera on TV?
- Please. There's a match, period.
- Yes, tonight. 7:30 in the pub.
- Talk to Jadwiga.
- What...
- Who's Jadwiga to you, huh?
- My wife.
There are more important things.
They sometimes conjure
cars like this.
I checked their numbers
in our European system.
Not the slightest accident.
We're talking to the employees.
- What do you think of the layoffs?
- I know nothing.
And what is your opinion
of the planned layoffs?
- What do you want?
- Your opinion of the layoffs.
Dear fellow, what layoffs? Why?
These hands assemble the best
cars in Europe, possibly.
- Thank you.
- The headquarters announced
a reduction of employment
in Poland. Crisis.
What is this bullshit?
Screw the crisis.
I've got alimony to pay.
They want to lay off
up to 2,000 workers.
- Has anyone talked to the team?
- Stop poking me with the mike.
- Fikol!
- Asking without being asked?
You think you can just come
and ask? Why are you grinning?
Are you afraid
already, smarty-pants?
Have you ever been
rammed with a head?
Come here again and
I'll cut you up.
One word: I solemnly and
simultaneously declare.
There will be no layoffs.
I say it as your own father.
Or rather as a senior fixer
of cockpit elements.
There's a prize for it!
Kiss, kiss!
Fikol, Neck and Francesco
will do magic in the field!
Poland!
Poland champion of Poland!
Poland is a superpower.
Poland is the best!
Moldova tried, but
Poland stood in its way!
Clear.
Quiet!
Neck, remember.
You must do like this...
Don't lean.
Stand straight and it
will be all right.
- For Poland.
- Don't leave me.
- We're downstairs.
- Don't leave me.
Let's run!
Neck! Don't give in!
Jadwiga is a bitch...
But she's got nice tits.
- Excuse me, what do they want?
- You will see.
- I don't mind HR, but if...
- This way.
- Hi there.
- Morning. Tomasz Zarowny?
Come on, Eryk... I'm Neck!
At ease, Neck.
The foreign board decided yesterday
to lay off 2,000 employees.
- Crisis.
- Yeah, crisis...
And it is known that a crisis
is a time for unpopular...
but necessary and brave decisions.
But I have to fire somebody.
What can I do?
Somebody from the kitchen...
- But you know what it's like.
- You don't get it.
We have to fire you, Mr. Tomasz.
Eryk, what is this crap?
It is a mistake.
No mistake. I have
to sack you, man.
- Just like that?
- You think it's easy for me?
- Crisis.
- What am I going to do?
Go to Germany, Holland?
I've been there, thanks a lot.
You will get severance pay.
- Screw your severance!
- Easy, Mr. Zenobiusz.
Why are you getting rid of me?
Because of that TV affair on TV?
They deserved it,
I don't regret it.
It's not the reason,
although you shouldn't have.
Bullshit.
I could point to someone.
One guy who spits in soup.
- We have to lay you off.
- He spits every Wednesday!
I will tell him to pack.
- You don't spit in soup.
- We must lay you off.
I have alimony to pay.
I've got six... four
kids in this country.
You know where you go
when you don't pay?
To prison! And I'll tell you.
They are your children too.
- What do you mean mine?
- All children are ours.
- Hi, Mafia.
- Hello.
Mafia...
Why are you so cold?
They fired me.
- I know. And it's over between us.
- What?
I don't date the unemployed.
What can you offer me?
A walk to the work centre?
What are you saying?
Two days ago everything was fine.
It was. But it's over.
I heard there are vacancies
in the town council.
Jadwiga did an analysis
of the local job market.
If not, we could pick
tomatoes in Holland.
Or asparagus in Germany.
Francesco, stop it.
- Stop what?
- Whining.
I told you at once...
she wasn't for you.
I agree with Fikol. Before you,
everyone in the factory...
hated her.
Actually.
Damn it!
I'll have to sell the balloon.
- You're being insane.
- I have mortgage to pay.
And I have six kids.
Four in Poland.
Wait. Watch it.
Come to my farewell party.
I'll be damned. What's going on?
Are you stunned? Nice, huh?
- It's wicked.
- Why a car like this?
It's not for me, it's for us.
- It's for us?
- I want to tell you something.
My life...
My life is ruined here.
I'm going back abroad.
I just want to say
goodbye to my pals.
We'll go to Warsaw for
the weekend and have fun.
I got the severance,
everything's on me.
I rented this car. Who can
say no to a rich guy?
Why does it have German plates?
It's an international company.
You can give it
back in any country.
- We could give it back in Paris.
- I'm driving first.
I've been dreaming of a weekend
like this, but there's Jadwiga.
- Leave Jadwiga.
- She's my wife.
Push the key! I'll deal with her.
Really? Thank you very much.
Push the key!
Do they pray on every channel?
Do you have a problem with that?
I don't, but these praying
channels... There are so many.
- Nice bass, huh?
- What's that? Afric Simone?
You were right, Fikol.
She's got a fucking beat.
Look at him now!
Higher, higher!
Nice.
But they didn't put it
under the upholstery.
Wait.
This is power. This is power!
Are you going with us?
I won't ask again.
Chicks dig nice cars.
They surely do.
Look. Hookers!
Have you seen? There!
They stand there in cold
or hot. It's a tough lot.
It rhymes.
Whether cold or hot,
it is a tough lot.
- For these poor chicks.
- Who suck dicks.
They poured salt and
sand into granny's twat.
Granny won't do much
after a trick as such.
Excuse me.
It's so expensive, and
yet it's all shredded.
- It's supposed to be.
- Sexy.
- Is it for men?
- Yes, it is.
I'm talking to you.
What? I didn't hear.
Loser.
- No?
- Oh no...
What!?
Here you go, Jessica. Please come.
- Janette.
- Sil vous plait.
- Klementynka!
- Francesco.
She remembers! Kasia, here we go.
Naomi. I have great memory.
Oh, Svetlana hit her head.
She's mine!
What's going on?
I regret...
Man...
You can't leave us.
Fikol.
- Fikol.
- What!?
We're splitting. Come on, dress up.
- The ladies are asleep.
- Quiet.
Jadwiga? This lady
is here by accident.
Boy, did you drink. Come,
let's go to Jadwiga.
Take your legs, Klementynka.
Nothing happened.
We played tic-tac-toe,
intelligence...
- Good morning.
- Hello.
We wanted to pay.
All right.
- And what is your name?
- Jeraldine.
Gel and cream.
- I'll be damned.
- It's a mistake.
Plus mini bar.
- Do you accept cards?
- Of course.
How much was your severance?
- White collars get more.
- Than blue collars.
47 mickeys? The bar is
too small for that.
- I ordered more.
- Leave it...
Good morning.
You have beautifully...
- Thank you very much.
- Here are your keys.
I can't drive. I can't
even hold my balance.
- What's that?
- Balance problems.
I'm going to sleep.
I'll drive. Sideways.
Please, read it.
Fasten seatbelts.
The sun is blinding.
And the birds are so loud.
The winter will put an end to this.
- What?
- Push the key.
Get out. The trip is over.
- What is going on?
- We've run out of petrol.
- I've just topped her off.
- When was that?
- She devours gas!
- Why didn't you say it's blinking?
Because you were sleeping.
There's a weak signal,
but no Internet.
Does the GPS work?
GPS always works.
But with no Internet you can't
download maps from the satellite...
I get it. Look.
I took a wrong turn,
somewhere here.
- Where "here"?
- Even as far as here.
Silesia is here, Warsaw's
there, and we are where?
How did you drive, idiot?
My veins are a distillery.
I had to go sideways.
- You could have gone through Gdansk.
- Yes, we'd swim in the sea.
Stop these caresses.
Tell me now, which
way is some town.
- Looks like there.
- There.
So give me your money.
I'll buy some gas.
Why are you looking at me?
I have no more cash.
And that... card of yours?
Neck, I spent all the severance.
The card's empty.
- And you don't have a card?
- Exactly.
Who paid the overdue alimony?
Neck, it's your turn.
But in my house...
Jadwiga takes care of the finances.
We're screwed then.
You have nothing?
I buried some.
- Where?
- It's going to rain.
Why didn't you stop him, moron?
How? Did you see how
he looked at us?
- How?
- Why didn't you wave?
- With what?
- With your hand, like this!
Like in Europe. We'd stop
him, talk, ask for help...
Borrow some money for petrol.
Would you lend us money?
I wouldn't!
- I would.
- So would I.
If I had. But I don't
have right now.
But if you had, you would.
- Without hesitation.
- Me too.
Now we'll camp in the meadows
because of this idiot.
- Watch your mouth.
- I'm telling the truth.
It wasn't me who drove here
on fumes in a rented car!
- I drove myself, huh?
- No, I drove you here!
I didn't know we'd run out of gas.
You fucked, you drank,
and this is your gratitude?
- Thanks a lot!
- So take it!
- Take everything, okay?
- Or what? You'll cut me up?
- Don't be an ass!
- Cut me!
And the car... was to
be returned yesterday.
- When?
- Yesterday!
Great. They surely
reported it stolen.
Hello?
Police, sergeant Kolodziejczyk.
How can I help you?
Major Grygalewicz here.
Put me through to my son...
To commandant Grygalewicz. Over.
I got it.
This is what we'll do.
We'll call Jadwiga, understand?
We'll tell her we've been robbed.
By whom?
- Social Insurance.
- Yeah.
Then she'll transfer
money to your card.
And it will be okay.
It's impossible.
Jadwiga would kill me.
She thinks I'm on a job course.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hello, Junior.
What is it?
Look, look! By the road.
They've been here for two hours.
What for? What are
they looking for here?
The car costs half a million.
German plates.
People like them in a field?
For so long?
- You think it's them?
- I do.
You told me they called
you from Warsaw.
I'll be damned.
All right. Take off your ring.
- Yes, that simlock of yours.
- What for?
What for?
I'll go to a station for
gas, but I need a pledge.
No, it's fake.
Jadwiga has the golden one.
Quiet!
Hear that?
- Somebody's coming!
- So what?
For us?
Easy.
We're cooked.
I mean... do you
gentlemen speak Polish?
- I do.
- That's excellent.
Please translate for your friends.
I don't really know what to do.
Simply pretend you're interpreting.
Pretend? Okay.
Well... we're glad.
And of course I, Mayor Mikulski...
assure...
that we'll do whatever we
can so that your stay...
in our beautiful and
economically promising region...
is fruitful...
Listen, this is definitely
about some fruit.
- What fruit?
- I don't know yet.
Move your lips more.
As if you were interpreting.
Enough.
Here's what I propose:
I'll take you to a hotel, quick
shower, change of shirts...
a visit to the town hall
and then we will see.
Are you okay with this schedule?
They're playing with us.
They want to arrest us.
No, they think we're some Germans.
Because of the plates.
That's... very nice. Very nice.
The schedule is nice too.
But... to our surprise...
we've run out of petrol.
Not a problem.
Please come to my car.
Gentlemen, our town
hall is your house!
Bread and salt,
traditional welcome.
More food later.
Please follow me.
Szmaja!
Stay here and take
care of everything.
And if something goes wrong,
I'll rip you a new one, got it?
Yes, Mr. Mayor.
The lounge, the bathroom, the study,
three bedrooms, a full fridge.
And our staff are at your disposal.
Will do.
Have a nice and fruitful stay.
Thank you very much.
All the best, and health...
because health is
the most important.
- Fuck me.
- Quiet!
Let's whisper.
I know what's going on.
They think only I speak
Polish and we are Germans.
I don't want to be German.
Fikol, I told you.
We've come here with
German plates...
- ...and they think we're some Krauts.
- But what Krauts?
- I don't know.
- Nazi ones.
- We must do something.
- I am. Opening champagne.
- Don't drink. We must run.
- Before we run...
Why do you want to run?
Didn't you see the police,
the Mayor, the fanfare?
It is something that really stinks.
If we don't run, it's going
to be bad. What's that?
Gentlemen...
Jacuzzi, guys.
- It's automatic.
- There's no entry.
- A fish tank.
- Maybe it opens like this.
No, they're tempting us.
If you pay, they'll
come and take it away.
- Maybe you need to insert a coin?
- There must be a button.
You can sit here and watch
a lady taking a bath.
- How about four?
- Asians.
- Or they could do jelly wrestling.
- Yes, but Asians.
- Open it.
- Just don't shout at me.
- Good day.
- Welcome.
Your car...
is parked by the hotel. Full.
Here's the key.
Thank you.
Thank you.
We thank you.
Guys, we're splitting.
If they find out we're not who they
think we are, they'll kill us.
And they'll show on TV
that we were killed.
Breaking news!
Maybe that's just the way
they welcome their guests?
We must give the Panamera
back, not to mention Jadwiga.
I wouldn't give Jadwiga back.
- Don't make fun of her.
- Don't make fun at all. Over.
We need a plan now.
This is me.
- This is you.
- Not a strawberry!
Okay! I will go out...
- ...to do reconnaissance.
- I'll cover you from behind!
All right. And I'll come...
- To a conclusion!
- No, to the lobby.
I'll check if they are
watching us, I'll return...
And that's it.
So, in this case, I'll stay here.
Okay. We have a plan.
Maybe.
Good afternoon. I hope
everything is fine.
Do you like your room?
Yes. Thank you.
And the service is...
Thank you. I am glad.
Have a pleasant stay in our hotel.
- Thank you.
- You are welcome.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
Shaise. Why do I have to be German?
- Fuck me!
- How punctual!
Right on time.
This is what I like about Germans!
Come, come!
Look how beautiful!
You won't find a better spot.
He's driven us to a field, why?
- Let him talk.
- Okay.
The area on both sides of the
road is about 120 acres.
The town guarantees all utilities.
I think it's a perfect
spot for a factory.
A factory, you say?
Of course we have to buy
the land from the owners.
We are also thinking of a
special economic zone.
- Yes! Special economic zone... yes.
- Exactly.
Is that factory big?
I don't know your
company's plans...
but big, of course.
We've got a lot of space.
You can build a big,
state-of-the-art car factory.
They want us to build a big,
state-of-the-art car factory.
Neck, I understand him.
- Mother of God...
- All right.
If they are so keen, I can
build them a nice car factory.
Yes, it's a nice place.
Everybody's waiting.
Local authorities,
a local MP, chiefs of departments.
They're looking forward
to meeting you.
Excuse me, is there
a toilet nearby?
Damn, it's locked!
Booths are clear.
Good, they cleaned them.
Oh, you mean they're empty.
Fikol, we must talk.
I suggest getting the
hell out from here.
- Great! Fikol, did you hear?
- I like it here.
What do you like, moron?
Everything.
I'm going to tell them that
if they want a car factory...
they have to bring me
the best local chicks.
If you're German,
let's talk German.
- Sure, but you don't speak German.
- And do you?
Have you seen "Kloss"?
He didn't speak German either.
I know German, that will do.
- Stop!
- Jesus...
Come to me. Come to me, child.
I am Gunter Wolf.
My grandmother came from Silesia.
Her surname was Hitler.
Hildegarda Wilk.
Out of love for this
beautiful fatherland
she taught me Polish.
And? Don't I speak German?
He does.
And I am Dr. Friedrich
Sweinsteiger.
Mother Polish.
She born in Wabrzezn.
A very difficult word.
Then as a waitress in
Saarbrucken she meet my Dad.
A businessman from West
Deutschland. It was instant love.
That's why I'm double.
I have two tongues.
Okay, in this situation...
I'll be...
I'll be... Who the fuck will I be?
Damn!
You, Neck, will be...
- Alexander Schnitzel...
- Not a schnitzel.
- Why not?
- I don't want to be meat.
Then Alexander Gerhard von
Schnitze, an aristocrat.
- Prussian nobility.
- East Prussian.
Your folks did not
speak Polish at home,
but you felt a calling
in your blood...
- Polishness!
- Yes! You felt a Pole in you.
Your head woke up and you
felt you had to speak Polish.
You went to the Karlsruhe
University, repeat!
- University.
- But where?
- In Kr...
- In Cologne.
- Yes, Eau de Cologne!
- In a German camp. Language camp.
You learnt it perfectly and...
you're just totally, wonderfully
linguistically talented.
And the company...
- What will it be?
- What company?
Porsche, Mercedes...
Porsche. And if they
don't ask... a company.
The most important is a
proud look, face, posture.
That's class.
Look down on the peasants.
And speak simple
Polish, with mistakes.
With primitive syntax.
Just like you speak normally.
- Let's go.
- Sorry, who are you?
Dr. Friedrich Sweinsteiger.
Why are you a doctor?
Because I can.
Let me introduce our guests.
Alexander Gerhard von Schnitze.
Location manager,
logistic consultant.
Gunter Wolf, a board member and...
Yes, of course. I'm very sorry.
Doctor Gunter Wolf.
A board member and foreign
investment advisor.
And Doctor... of Science...
Friedrich Shweitzneger.
A board member...
Sweinsteiger.
Right.
A board member, production manager
and head of future
planning department.
Welcome!
We'll send eight or ten thousand
workers to labour camps.
First we come
incognito, under cover.
That's why they call
us business ninja.
Szmaja, who told us
about the investors?
- The Ministry of Economy.
- But who specifically?
- Deputy Minister Knapik.
- Knapik?
Put me through.
Mister Minister, Mister Mayor.
Hello, Jurek, old pal!
What's up in the capital?
Slaving away?
No? Very good. Work can wait.
Listen. I'm calling to thank you.
For the investors.
Yes, they've come.
I come from a very
good German family.
My grandfather had a factory.
But he lost it after the war.
So I had to work my ass off since
I was a little Hitlerjugend.
Mr. Friedrich, is this
your first time in Poland?
Yes, but my grandfather was
here and he liked it a lot.
Jurek, my dear, tell me
how to talk to them.
It's a big investment.
We have almost no industry here.
If I did this, people'd
praise me till my death.
And my children and grandchildren.
You work very well,
but for somebody else.
Lewandowski scores in
Borussia Dortmund.
Building of a factory must
begin with a canteen.
Because a hungry worker
is a bad worker.
And where would we get the food?
All those carrots?
From the local farmers, of course!
So everybody in the
region would get rich...
and start to buy land.
Here, here...
Finally in Ukraine,
because it's close.
And sooner or later Lviv
would be ours again.
Ours?
Yours, right.
Sure?
Shroud? It's in Turin,
but it will be ours too.
- Are you sure about Lviv?
- Yes.
I would like to drink...
to our German-Polish cooperation...
for the good of our united
German European Union.
What? A bribe?
I don't know...
They don't do it like
this in Europe now.
Yes, they speak Polish.
They're son of Polish in a way.
So you say not to be
afraid of bribing?
If they find out, they'll
drown us in this pool.
The police must be looking for
our car. I mean, not ours.
Let them. It was insured.
Daddy always told me:
Take what they give,
run if they hit.
That's why you pay alimony
for other men's kids?
Want me to hit you?
I feel...
terribly lonely.
Good night, Oberleutnant.
Welcome, gentlemen investors.
I imagined you just like...
I imagined you like this.
Such three...
Such three...
Musketieren.
Ja, we also imagined you like this.
My name is Gunter Wolf.
Please call me Wolfie,
Mademoiselle.
These are my friends.
Please meet my fiance.
Maja Mikulska.
Come in, the grill is sizzling.
I must...
Unfortunately I have
some things to do.
Good bye.
Dariusz, what a pity.
- Maja, ja?
- Pardon?
- Maja?
- Oh. Ja.
Friedrich.
Come.
Welcome. Welcome.
So it's like this.
Here we have shrimps...
clams, snails...
octopuses, lobsters...
- ...and tiger shrimps.
- Damn cool.
Well said.
My wife will serve drinks.
I have done my share
of drinking in my life.
Anka!
This amber drink spent 24
years in a Scottish barrel...
longing for our dear guests
and now the waiting is over.
I'll go for the tiger!
I have a bakery, right?
All right, several bakeries. And
the factory changes everything.
I sell four trucks of bread a day.
When they open, I'll sell
twice as much, right?
I'll tell you what this
factory means. Money!
People have no cash.
I see it in my pharmacies.
Poverty. And the factory pays!
The workers buy, because
they have money.
There will be no money.
- How come?
- There will be no factory.
The Germans don't want it?
Maybe they do, maybe they don't.
Gunter, tell me, but honestly.
What are our chances
for the factory?
Creckory, Creckory...
The chances are there.
But you, Poles, need
to work harder.
Why are you holding me so gently?
- Too gently? Stronger?
- No, it's good.
When are you leaving?
I don't... We don't know yet.
Mr. Alexander, you speak
outstanding Polish.
I learnt it at the
University in Kar...
And using Eau de Cologne.
You must be
unprecedentedly talented.
That's correct. I have
been since childhood.
Polish is difficult.
- Yes, all those...
- Sh, tsch, zh...
Sorry to teach economy to you,
the business elite of our town...
but I see no other choice.
What is the main rule of economy?
- Well, it's...
- One needs to...
You have to grease one's palm.
No investment, no profit.
- What do you mean?
- Not me, the investors.
Speak clearly, Szmaja.
The goose that lays golden eggs...
why would it want to
lay them right here?
The goose?
"Sh" is one of the most difficult.
- And how do you like our house?
- It's one of the best.
Thank you very much. Danke!
- Would you like to see the rooms?
- With pleasure.
How can we attract the goose to
stay and build its own coop?
- Monuments?
- The zoo?
A bribe?
For a goose?
The living-room.
Luscious. No poverty here.
I decorated it.
You come out of nowhere, Friedrich.
I don't know who you are.
You're holding me so gently.
But you'll go?
Shouldn't I?
Kitchen, of course.
Here I would...
You can do miracles here!
I'm speechless.
- Induction.
- Do you like it?
Yes.
A lot.
Stairs.
- Strong.
- They must be!
Even four people at
once can climb it.
And the bedroom.
Sorry, always the same thing.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.
Please...
Hello, Mousie.
What? No!
I told you yesterday I would
come back the next day.
You must have misunderstood me.
Or there was noise on the wires
of the wireless communication.
Something broke.
They simply prolonged it.
Sometimes things get
prolonged in life.
Well, I'm bored and I miss
you very much, Jadwiga.
Now I have this course
and I can't talk.
We'll talk later, huh?
Mr. Alexander, I am terribly sorry.
I didn't want to... I mean
I did. I'm losing my mind.
I like men like you:
elegant, smart...
mysterious. And I forgot myself.
Don't blame yourself.
It's totally understandable.
- You have someone...
- No, it was my aunt.
She called after many years.
Asking how I am, just this.
Excuse me, do you have someone?
Well, my husband.
But I am not old-fashioned.
I'm not old-fashioned either.
Gentlemen, everything
will be recorded.
- I'm listening.
- Me?
I give... fifty thousand.
- What are you...
- Fifty thousand?
One-fourth of your new car for
the development of the region?
A hundred? Okay, write it down.
A hundred thousand.
All right, I give the same.
So do I.
Gentlemen, business with
you is sheer pleasure.
That's what I call patriotism.
It's time for us.
- Thank you for...
- Now?
- I thought you would stay.
- We must go to bed.
- I'm not sleepy at all.
- Neither am I.
- Maybe we'll go dancing?
- Great idea!
There's a party at the Trendy club.
- We'll eat the soup there.
- Bye, thank you very much.
Szmaja, they've gone to
the Trendy. You know it?
Make sure they have a great time!
I welcome you cordially.
There is your table.
We won't sit. Shall we dance?
- Let's dance.
- Maybe a drink at least...
You asked me about
nice friends of mine.
- Do you see that table?
- Which one?
- Those are my friends. Nice?
- Very nice.
- They are anxious to meet you.
- Let's hurry up.
This is Dr. Gunter Wolf.
I have told you about him.
And these are the girls. Jola,
Monia, Ola, Gosia, Pati and Megi.
What are you drinking, girls?
My friend is paying.
Order a lot and expensive.
Have you ever hunted
a great white shark?
Do you feel like dancing, Gunter?
Let's go.
My fellow countrymen.
In these difficult
times, when crisis...
destroyed hopes for prosperity...
when many have lost their jobs...
when the country struggles
with dire economic straits...
I accept with gratitude the
choice of the majority.
The country needs effective
men at the helm.
I pledge this efficiency.
Poland deserves it.
Poles deserve it.
I deserve it.
Szmaja...
Hi, what's up? They are dancing?
Who with whom?
You're like a real
Messerschmitt, Mein Frau.
With you I feel somehow... strange.
I feel strange with you.
As if I've known you all my life.
I know all about you.
I understand you without words.
- I understand you without words!
- What?
- I understand you without words!
- Me too!
- How much?
- A million.
- Thank you.
- For the good of the region.
We're following European standards.
This can't continue.
- Nude? I'm all for it!
- Not nude.
- We can't go on like this.
- I'm tempting you with my dance.
- It's too much.
- Too much!
- Alexander, it doesn't make sense.
- What doesn't?
- I'm married!
- Congratulations.
And you're leaving. It's pointless.
- I think.
- I'm a dancing seducer.
I have to...
- I have to go home.
- I'll walk with you.
- Are you sure?
- Hop on!
You've come into my life
so suddenly, Friedrich.
But I feel you've always been here.
I feel the same.
Let's breathe some fresh air.
- Let's be together?
- Fresh air!
Let's go out. You and me.
Me and you.
- Together?
- Yes.
- And your fiance?
- Very busy.
Me too.
Doctor.
- Doctor!
- Go away.
Leave!
- Can't you see I'm busy?
- It's very important.
- What is this?
- It's for you.
Your concern wants to invest
millions in a car factory.
We want to invest in its location.
Does it convince you
to our location?
It does.
Don't be afraid.
Inspector Grygalewicz.
Sergeant Kolodziejczyk speaking.
Sorry to wake you up, boss,
but I have something strange.
Strange? Go on.
That Porsche Panamera that
these investors drove...
I know which one.
It's been reported stolen.
What is this bullshit?
Neck, answer, you idiot!
- Will we meet again?
- Hell yeah.
Will you remember?
A woman like you? Till the end.
You have plenty of
women like me, stop it.
Well, no.
I'm very sorry, but you're
the first one here.
I must go.
If you must, you must.
- A kiss?
- No.
No, no! Stop it already!
You've messed up my mind!
Will you make it to the hotel?
- Of course.
- Are you sure?
Sure. I'll find it.
Goodbye then.
Bye.
My fellow countrymen.
My dear...
My fellow countrymen.
Anka? Is that you?
My dear...
I was afraid you would be asleep.
How are you, Mister Mayor?
I'm fine, Mrs. Mayor.
Mister Mayor.
Maja.
Don't, don't.
Stop it, stop it! We shouldn't.
Because I have a fiance.
Does he too? Does he love you?
- What do you mean?
- Maja! He's with you for a career!
- No!
- Yes!
Your Vater is the Mayor, yes?
And he is his assistant, yes?
And your fiance, yes?
- Das ist suspicious.
- Impossible, no!
Dariusz is honest.
He loves me very much.
And you?
- I guess. I don't know.
- You guess.
Yes, because now I'm at a loss.
You come here, Friedrich...
a man of the world,
educated, sweet...
Let's elope to the
Caribbean, the Canaries,
I'll bathe with you in the ocean.
No! Stop. What are
you doing with me?
I can't resist you. No!
Maja. I want it very much.
The keys.
Yes, I'll be right there.
Main Messerschmitt.
How did you get the
Kennkarte to my room?
- Francesco?
- Ja. Komm!
- What Francesco?
- Just Francesco. Listen.
- You must wait here.
- Gunter, schneller.
- Where are you going?
- It's an order. Ich liebe dich.
Watch some porn Spielen.
- Are you leaving?
- There are cops in the hotel.
- What cops? Where's Neck?
- He went with the Mayor's wife.
Damn Frenchman!
- Hurry!
- Let's go.
The key! Push the key!
It's Neck's leg.
Neck, for Christ's sake.
Are you alive?
Kidnapping! Help me!
A bear! I'm Neck!
Fast and agile,
I attack like a cobra.
Push the key!
Damn car!
Can you already hear the laughter?
They will laugh at us
for a hundred years!
Two hundred!
Because of you! You first said
they were foreign investors.
You found them, you
brought them here.
It's all your fault. Yours!
Where's Szmaja?
I'd like to kill that moron too!
He doesn't pick up.
Find them, Grygalewicz.
I don't know how or where.
You have your cop methods.
Find them...
and revenge us.
Woody hills, clover... It's nice.
It's even nicer in this bag.
- What's in there?
- Look.
- What's this?
- A gift.
To split between the three of us.
- You took a bribe?
- Why not?
- They gave it voluntarily.
- Beautiful.
You don't like this? Come here.
I have a plan.
Tell me, how many towns like
this are there in Poland?
- Ten-odd something?
- Several dozen.
What do people dream about there?
- About love.
- About us.
About us. Rich,
foreign investors...
looking for a place
for a big investment.
Get it?
- How much is there?
- A million.
- How much!?
- Quiet! Are you here alone?
Guys.
Let's go on a tournee.
Several towns like this...
and holidays for the
rest of our lives.
- What about Jadwiga?
- You'll think of something.
- Yeah, it was your idea...
- Neck!
Fikol, you want us to
become professional crooks?
What else can you do
after they sacked you?
I'm in love.
So is she.
For real.
Hold me, 'cause my
head is going to stop.
She didn't fall in love
in you, understand?
She fell in love with Doctor
of Science, Friedrich...
Sweinsteiger.
And you are Francesco, get it?
Franciszek Szpak.
Hold on. What if the
police catch us?
Me, with my looks, in prison?
I didn't think of that.
They're wearing balaclavas.
What? What happened?
Gentlemen.
You can't do this, come on.
Do you want to kill us?
Bury us in the forest,
like animals?
We are no Germans.
My name is Franciszek Szpak.
This is Tomasz Zarowny,
this is Zenobiusz Koziol.
We've known each other since we
were innocent five-year-olds.
We worked together in a car
factory and they sacked us.
We are victims of
unfair economic policy.
And we really don't want to die.
- Especially me.
- Why especially you?
- Because I'm in love.
- And I have six kids.
Four in Poland.
And I have a wife, Jadwiga.
So I'll dig.
I'm really in love.
It was love at first...
a thunder...
It is not fair!
You liar!
If you were truly in love, you
wouldn't have left like a thief.
- Sir...
- No.
No?
All night you were telling
me how you love me.
That we'd go to the Canarabean
to swim in the ocean.
And in the morning
you ran. I hate you.
Maja...
Maja, how come you hate me?
- Come on...
- Against the wall!
It's you.
- Plastic?
- We just wanted to scare you.
You also told me you
love me last night.
18 times, Zenobiusz.
18 times? That's my new record.
- Why?
- Because.
Excuse me, so should I dig or not?
For this money we're going to
the Caribbean. Are you coming?
- Who gave it to you?
- Szmaja.
- Your fiance.
- Briber.
Impossible. Dariusz
is not a briber.
Yes, he is. You don't even know.
Maja, all I told you it true.
And Szmaja doesn't deserve you.
And you do? He's a briber, and
you're a crook. You're the same.
And I'm fed up with it.
Hold on. It's fake money.
- Fake? Show me.
- No watermarks.
And no hologram. Printed
on a laser printer.
He cheated me, bastard.
Crooks!
Bye.
Why? Such dishonesty. Tell me.
Szmaja, you...
I think it's time to go back home.
Excuse me, where is the toilet?
I'll be damned.
My balloon!
Record everything... the balloon,
the town hall, the Mayor.
Is he stuck on the tower?
I'm afraid he's done it on purpose.
Maybe he's a terrorist and
wants to blow us all up.
A town hall is a
government building.
- Record the people.
- Yes.
Not those. The ones in the balloon.
That guy. Zoom in.
Show me.
Hey, you in the balloon!
Do you want to kill yourself?
Get down!
Maja? You must come
to the Market Square.
It's a matter of life and death.
Mr. Mayor...
The ladder is too shod.
And he doesn't have much gas there.
And a storm is coming. The wind
will blow him against the tower.
Let's negotiate. Does
he have any demands?
- No.
- Secure the square.
Evacuate the people. Send
negotiators to the tower.
Have snipers on the rooftops.
The crisis staff will operate here.
- Here?
- Is it a bad spot?
- Evacuation!
- He won't fall on us.
- Ready?
- Go on.
After three hours the negotiators are
talking to the balloon desperado.
Fire fighters and police say
he will soon run out of gas.
And the balloon will fall down.
Mr. Mayor, I don't think
he's a terrorist.
He's a desperate lover.
Look at the inscription.
Not me! Keep rolling.
I LOVE YOU MAJA!
I think he loves a Maja.
Is there any Maja in the town?
Field glasses!
Jump! Jump!
- It's him! The German!
- Christ, what German?
Excuse me, I have to
talk to my daughter.
- There it is!
- How much time does he have?
There was one full tank
and the other one was
not even half full.
- But how many minutes?
- Zero.
He'll soon fall and die.
Maia!
Maja! Can you tell
me what's going on?
Why does he love you?
You want to destroy me in
the eyes of the voters?
Dad, it's a little bit complicated.
But I'll soon explain it.
Mr. Commandant, does the
desperado have any demands?
Yes, he wants a Maja
to go up the town hall tower.
She's the woman he says he loves.
Kids, go away!
- What do we do?
- Conjuring.
Look how beautiful.
I had to fly to you.
I've been waiting.
Hey! What if we started
a balloon company?
We'd rent balloons to desperate
lovers or for funerals.
The EU would subsidize it. They
subsidize all kinds of bubbles.
Good thinking.
He must have bought more gas tanks.
- Look at him!
- Hi, investors.
Go before they recognise you.
Excuse me.
I should start over.
Fikol.
Ada.
This is my own El Camino. Repaired
with these hands. Jump in.
- Can I drive?
- No.
- How do you steer it?
- You don't. The wind steers it.
So we're flying.
Yes.
A small town in South-East Poland is
witnessing an invasion of tourists.
Especially lovers, who want
to declare their love there.
I didn't know it was possible.
In a balloon. Well...