1
Shit. It's under.
He doesn't know that.
Yes!
Oh, yeah.
G'day.
Get out of the vehicle.
No worries.
Know how fast you were going?
Faster than I was supposed to,
if you blokes pulled me up.
You shoot pigs for a living?
Bet your life.
Can you read?
Well, get a bit stuck on the big words
every now and then, but you know.
Yeah, I can read pretty good.
Then you'd be able to
read the sign back there
with the big one-fuckin'-double-zero
on it, wouldn't you?
You know, I could've sworn I was, you
know, sittin' under 100 there. You know.
You think I'm talking shit?
Struth no. No, sorry, mate. No.
No, look, won't happen
again, all right?
Where the fuck you
think you're going?
You bastards. You're
putting me on, aren't you?
You're not really going
to book me, are you?
Can I see your license, please?
You're a long way
from home, aren't ya?
Look, always travel up north when I'm
doing a bit of hunting, you know.
Get away from it all. Not
a lot of pigs down south.
Ooh!
This, plus a speeding ticket.
It's an order to take
this car off the road
for good.
Tires are as bald as a baby's ass.
Amazed it's even running.
Body looks like you've thrown
it off a fuckin' cliff!
Aw...
Come on.
Now you take this piece
of shit back to town,
and then you get the fuck
back where you came from.
I don't want to see your ugly
mug around here ever again.
You understand?
Or is that too many
big words for you?
Mate, you sure you
want to give me this?
Bet your life.
You have a nice day.
Ta!
You fuckin' asshole. Oh, man.
That's how we keep our
quotas up out here, son.
Oh, man. "You sure you
want to give me this?"
Yeah. Pretty sure you just got that rusted
piece of shit taken off the road, too.
Fuckin' dickhead.
Oh, man, did you see
the look on his face?
What a redneck moron.
Jesus! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck, the...
Fuck!
Shot!
Where the bloody hell do
you think you're going?
You're crazy, mate!
Not me leg. I think it's broken.
Yeah.
Ah, shut up, you big crybaby.
That'll do, pig.
What do you think
you're fuckin' doing?
You know, your little mate's right.
I am a pig shooter.
You know what I do to pigs
who won't stop squealing?
I make 'em stop!
Fuck me.
You stupid pair of bastards.
Look at the fuckin' mess you made,
huh? Now, I gotta clean it up.
They'll fuckin' find us!
They'll find the fuckin'
car and then they'll...
Fuck.
I want to see my kids.
Why?
Mate... Mate, wait.
I can make the ticket
go away, mate.
Or I can make you go away.
Let's go! You are seriously a hero.
Hello.
Cool.
Hey! Thank you! Thank you!
Have a good trip.
Awesome.
They are so cute. I love them.
What are they called again?
The little black one's
called Nutella.
Yeah, we have that in Europe, too.
I know it's brown, but it's my
little daughter's idea of a joke.
And the little one with the
broken horn is called Casper.
And, uh, the other
one, that's Marley.
- Okay.
- Thank you so much.
- It's all right.
- Here we are.
Bye-bye, kids.
- Thank you. Auf Wiedersehen.
- See ya. Okay.
- See ya, love.
- Thank you very much.
So cool.
Oops.
Hello, and, uh, goodbye.
All right, if you keep fighting
you're gonna go back to the car.
Motherfucker!
What's wrong with you people?
You afraid to stop or something?
Yahtzee.
What the bloody hell are you
buggers doing out here?
This is a national park.
You can't camp here, mate.
Uh...
Sorry, we did not know that was the
case. About national parks, I mean.
No signs here.
Oh, well, don't get your knickers in a knot,
mate, I'm not a ranger or anything. Eh?
Look at this bloody fire, mate.
You haven't put it out properly.
All this bloody saltbush around
here is dry as a nun's nasty.
You know, one spark, the whole
bloody place will go up!
Ah. I...
I did put some water on it.
Yeah?
Well, for all the good you've done,
you may as well have pissed on it, eh?
It was a good thing
I found you, huh?
Name's Mick.
Rutger.
Rutger. Rutger! Eh?
Kraut, are ya?
I'm, um... From Germany.
They usually are.
Okay.
Oh...
Heil, Frulein.
Hi.
Little bit of German for you.
It's good, Frulein.
As I was saying, mate, if
the rangers did find you,
you'd be charged, right?
You wouldn't want that, would you?
No.
As a matter of fact, mate,
I'm going back through town,
so I can give you a lift, okay?
You know, and set you up in a
caravan park for the night.
Right? Yeah?
You wouldn't want to be hiking
back into town, would you?
No, we were hoping to
get lift tomorrow.
Like I said, there's no signs here, so did
not think we were doing anything wrong.
Well, I'm offering you a
lift, mate, you know.
So you won't get caught.
Um...
Are you sure there's no camping
here? I checked on the map.
I just said so, didn't I?
Well, yes, but...
Well, you calling me a liar?
Um...
Look, I'm gonna give you one
last chance to help you out.
All right?
Thank you, but, um, we will stay.
Sorry about the fire and for
making you come out of your way.
Don't you turn your back
on me, you Nazi bastard!
So, let me hear you talk
back now, you dopey cunt.
Rutger!
Rutger!
Rutger!
Rutger!
Let me go!
Let me go!
Eh?
Keep still. Keep still.
Keep fucking still!
Now put your hands together.
Put your fucking hands together, or I'll
spread your nose all over your face.
Huh?
Now look, I didn't
want to do you here,
but your stupid fucking
boyfriend forced me.
And now, why wait, eh?
Anyways, my name's Mick Taylor.
Pleased to meet you.
You know...
I still don't know what you friggin'
tourists see in this place.
I mean, is this the way you
spend your life, Frulein?
Eh?
Coming out here and
shitting in our backyard?
Is that what it's all about, eh?
Is it, eh?
I'm talking to you.
Talking to you!
Oh...
Oh, look at that, eh?
Cookies!
Rutger!
Rutger!
Rutger, no!
Eh?
Shit!
He's tougher than a pig.
Where you crawling
off to, Frulein?
Now,
I promise you.
We're gonna spend a nice,
long, few months together.
There we go!
Non-smoker.
Gutless Kraut now, huh?
Jesus!
Rutger, what are you,
part bloody donkey?
Who's the lucky girl, then? That'd
make your eyes water, wouldn't it?
Here's a little piggy,
here's his snout.
Slit him open and
his guts fail out.
Get your fucking head out of there.
All good.
The dogs'll like that.
Oh, you mongrel bastard.
Oh, Jesus.
Come on!
Come on.
Quickest way to a man's heart
is through his chest, eh?
Doesn't look fucking easy getting through
that fucking breastplate, does it?
Can you fucking believe it?
There we are.
Oh, no. Rip your heart out.
There we go!
Hide and seek, is it?
Hey, come on, girly.
Up the ass.
Wait, wait.
You have to run faster than that.
Clever bitch, eh?
Beck?
Becky?
Hello, Angel?
I can't hear you, babe.
Um...
Becky.
Bollocks.
Holy shit!
Help me!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
What happened?
Did you get hit?
What?
It's all right. Come on! We're gonna
get you out of here, all right?
All right.
Whoa.
Hey, is there anyone else?
Is there anyone...
Who did this shit to you?
Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on!
Give me your hand, all right?
I don't understand you!
Who's this fucking maggot?
Who was that? Who was that?
What the fuck is going on here?
You'll have to do better
than that, asshole!
Oh, shit! It's all right!
Hey, little pigs, little pigs!
Let me come in!
It's all right!
Come on, you fucker!
Whoa!
Fuck! Fuck!
Hold on!
Oh, God!
It's all right.
Hang on. It's all right.
See you in hell, cunt!
Jesus.
Yeah!
Oh, shit!
Are you all right?
Oh, shit!
Fuck!
For fuck's sake, Mick!
Don't!
Fuck!
I'm...
I'm sorry.
Shit!
Shit, shit, shit!
Uh...
Hey!
Oh, shit!
What the fuck's wrong
with you, you pricks?
Stop, you fucking bastards!
Okay.
Okay.
Hey!
Hey!
Stop!
Here! Hey!
Oh, fuck me.
Oh, shit!
Thanks for the truck, blubber guts.
Let's play, eh?
Come on!
Oh, shit!
Whoops.
Bit of music, eh?
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Hey! Shit! Flying kangaroo!
Oh! Sorry, Skippy.
Hey!
Welcome to Australia, cocksucker.
Come on.
Oh!
Come on!
Shit!
You'll have to do better than that!
He's got to be hungry, I know that.
We didn't know whether to wake you.
We're heading to town as soon
as you've eaten something.
Phone?
No phones.
We got shortwave if it was working.
It's the magnets. Something
weird in the ground.
Even the TV goes on the
blink now and again.
Ah, you got to be
self-sufficient out here.
It's all right.
You're safe now.
I'm Lil.
This is Jack.
Paul.
Come on, son. Eat up.
You'll need your strength.
I made it special for you.
You in there, hero?
You don't want anyone else
to get hurt, do you, eh?
He's here.
Don't you worry, mate.
I'll see to it.
Get off my property.
Hey, mate. The boy. Hand him over.
I said get the hell away from here.
Now get.
He's gone.
No. No, he's...
He's not.
He will be if I see him again.
The car's at the front.
We'll all go out together.
You got the keys, no?
I can't.
Shit.
Hey, baby.
We could have had a
good time, you and me.
Please!
Just leave me alone.
Fucking Pommy, eh?
I...
- Huh. Definitely a Pommy.
- Weak as piss.
Obviously don't know the
first rule of the Outback, hero.
You never, ever stop.
Could have saved yourself
a whole lot of trouble.
Why you here, Pommy?
Please...
I asked you a question.
- Why are you here?
- Please...
Please... I didn't...
I didn't mean to interfere.
I should have just left her there
and minded my own business.
Well, maybe I can
answer it for you, huh?
You're here for an adventure.
You're here for a bit
of excitement, hmm?
- For the thrill, hey? Hey?
- Yes. Yes! Yes!
- Something a bit different!
- Please.
Please!
Just let me out of here.
And I'll just walk away.
That's a good one.
You expect to come to
my fucking country,
waltz around like you
own the bloody place,
come between a man and his
meal and "just walk away," eh?
Just like that?
Please! Don't!
You owe me, boy.
What made you think you could
just take her away from me, huh?
Just wanted to...
Hey? Hey, hey, hey?
Where's your famous
English wit, now? Huh?
Even harder to be a smartass
with no fucking tongue.
There once was a lad from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
And when it got stuck, he
cried, "I don't give a fuck,"
and walked around
looking like a dork.
There once was a man,
uh, from Kansas,
whose nuts were made of brass.
In stormy weather, he'd clack them together,
and lightning would shoot out his ass.
What are you doing, Pom? Hmm?
There once was an old lady from
Wheeling, who had a peculiar feeling.
And she lied on her back,
and tickled her crack,
and pissed all over the ceiling.
"Pissed all over the ceiling."
You're a funny little
fuck, aren't ya, eh?
English wit, mate.
Where'd you learn those?
Boarding school.
Boarding school, huh?
Pants-down, botty-whackers, eh?
Only on weekends.
You still know fuck
all about my country,
eh, you little Pommy ponce?
There once was an
Australian stockman,
lying, dying.
And he got up on one elbow
and he turned to his mates who had
all gathered around and he said...
Watch me Wallabies feed, mate
Watch me Wallabies feed
They're a dangerous breed, mate
So watch me Wallabies feed
All together now!
Tie me kangaroo down, sport
Tie me kangaroo down
Tie me kangaroo down, sport
Tie me kangaroo down
Keep me cockatoo cool, Curl
Keep me cockatoo cool
Don't go acting a fool, Curl
Just keep me cockatoo cool
All together now!
Tie me kangaroo down, sport
Tie me kangaroo down
Tie me kangaroo down, sport
Tie me kangaroo down
Take me koala back, Jack
Take me koala back
He lives somewhere out
on the track, Mac
So take me koala back
All together now!
Tie me kangaroo down, sport
Tie me kangaroo down
Tie me kangaroo down, sport
Tie me kangaroo down
Play your didgeridoo, Blue
Play your didgeridoo
Keep playing 'til I
shoot through, Blue
Play your didgeridoo
All together...
Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred
Tan me hide when I'm dead
So we tanned his hide
when he died, Clyde
And that's it hanging on the shed!
Hey!
Fuck me.
You mad little British bastard.
Well, you know...
Where do you know that song from?
Uh... My mother had the record.
- Oh.
- We'd listen to it endlessly as kids.
My word, eh?
You are a knowledgeable
little prick, eh?
I'll tell you what, mate.
Let's have a fucking drink, eh?
I thought you'd never
fucking ask, mate.
"I thought you'd
never fucking ask."
Tie me kangaroo down, sport
Tie me kangaroo down
There you are, son. Let's wrap the
laughing gear around this one, eh?
Oh. Thanks. It'd be better
to have a free hand.
Oh. Thanks for mentioning that.
I would never have thought. You know.
There we go.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- Get that up, son.
- Thank you.
Please.
Here's looking up ya bum.
Whoo...
All right, isn't it?
Tastes like camel's piss but, Jesus,
it gives a man a fuckin' buzz.
Rum. It's all me and my mates
used to drink back home.
Yeah? Rum, eh? Here's a good one.
My name is old Jack Palmer
I once dug for gold
The song I'm 'bout to sing ya
Recalls the days of old
When I'd plenty mates around me
and the mates would fairly hum
As we all sat together
round the old keg of rum
The old keg of rum,
the old keg of rum
As we all sat together
round the old keg of rum
The old keg of rum...
Australians all, let us rejoice
For we are young and free
With golden soil and
wealth for toil
Our home is girt by sea
I hate that fucking song.
"Girt by sea."
Who's "Gert"?
Some fucking big butch lesbian
standing astride Sydney
fucking heads or something.
It's a fucking shit song.
Hmm...
Oh, shit.
Now, seeing as you're such an amusing
fucking Einstein know-it-all bastard,
I got this little game
we can play, huh?
- Kind of like a quiz. Yeah.
- Right.
I call it Aussie history.
I ask you 10 questions, you get
half of 'em right, so, five,
and then I'll let you go.
Does that sound all right to you?
That's... That sounds
fucking brilliant.
Really?
Sorry. I didn't get
your name, mate.
Ah. Mick Taylor's the name.
Pig-shooter and general
fuckin' Outback legend.
Right. Cheers.
- You ready to rock 'n' roll?
- Yeah.
What's that for, Mick?
Oh, I forgot to mention.
For each one that you get wrong,
I get to grind off a finger.
So, 10 questions, 10 fingers. Kind
of fitting, you know what I mean?
Of course.
So it's sort of like Who
Wants To Be a Millionaire?
Yeah!
Except you don't get to phone
a friend if you get one wrong
because you'll be too busy
screaming in fucking agony.
All right.
Let's rock 'n' roll then.
All right. We'll start
off with an easy one.
What Aboriginal term
meaning "waterhole"
is also the name of an Australian
surf clothing company?
Billabong.
Very good.
- Next one's a bit harder.
- Right.
But you're a stinkin' Pom,
so you'll be all right.
In what year did the British
settle in Australia?
Oh, um...
After Lieutenant James Cook
discovered the east coast
and mapped it in 1770,
the First Fleet arrived
and settled on
26th of January, 1788.
Does that answer your question?
Jesus! You are a smart cunt.
I might have to let you
go on that answer alone.
Where'd you learn all that shit?
I'm majoring in history.
Majoring in history? That's a
fucking coincidence, isn't it, eh?
But I am a man of my word,
and either way, you know,
I did say 10...
Here we go.
Okay.
Mmm.
Rightio.
In what year did the British start
deporting convicts to Australia?
The first 11 ships of the First
Fleet arrived with their cargo
of around 780 British convicts
in Botany Bay, New South Wales.
And a further two convict fleets
arrived in 1790 and 1791.
The first free settlers
arrived in 1793.
Mick?
Mick?
That's right. Isn't it?
I know it is.
Why?
Um...
I'm not really sure I
understand the question.
Why did the British deport
convicts to Australia?
Why? Um...
Uh...
Come on, you dumb fuck.
Time waits for no man.
- No, no, no!
- Tick, took, tick, took, tick...
First, first... First of all,
after the British
lost the 13 colonies
they'd lost their penal settlements
in Virginia, in the United States.
And they needed somewhere
to put all the criminals
that were stacking up in England.
There were... There were just
too many of these people,
and they were just spreading
disease and wasting resources.
And, second of all, they...
And just, Australia looked
to be as rich in resources
as the Americas.
And obviously the British wanted to
settle this before the French did.
Or the Dutch.
Something like that?
Mick, no. What the fuck,
man? That's right!
What are you doing? Mick! Fuck!
That's the right fucking answer!
What do you want me to fucking...
Fuck! Mick, that's right!
Fuck! That's the right
fucking answer, Mick!
Mick! Jesus Christ! No!
I got two. Come on!
You don't need to fucking do this!
I got them all right.
It's the right fucking answer!
It was fucking right!
- No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was the right fucking...
No, it wasn't.
The right answer is
because they are a
pack of Pommy cunts.
No, seriously, you're right,
you know, technically.
And that gives me the shits.
Come on. Calm down. Calm down.
Jesus Christ, you're going
on like a big girl.
It fucking hurt.
Knock those tears off. Knock
'em off, you bloody suck.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
Jesus H. Christ, boy.
You all right? You all right?
Yeah.
Right? All right?
All right.
Just one more quick one. An easy one
and then I'll get us another drink.
And you can be on your way. Eh?
You're doing real well, mate.
You're doing real well.
Cheers.
Now, who's Australia's
most famous cricketer?
And not Shane fucking Warne.
Come on.
Come on.
I don't know anything
about fucking cricket.
Can you ask me a football question?
You don't have to know about
cricket to know who this bloke is.
Just give me a clue.
Well, he's the greatest
cricketer of all time.
The Muhammad Ali of
fucking cricket!
Oh, shit. Come on, Paul.
It's on the tip of
my fucking tongue!
Yeah, well, look. This will be on the
tip of your bloody tongue in a minute!
What kind of a bloody
idiot you take me for?
What letter does it
fucking start with?
"D."
D... D... D...
- Douglas Jardine.
- Fucking Pommy, you idiot.
Dennis... Dennis Lillee.
Not fucking Dennis Lillee.
- It's Dennis fucking Lillee.
- It's not Dennis Lillee.
A famous cricketer
that starts with "D."
It's not fucking
Dennis fucking Lillee.
What the fuck is it
then if it's not...
Fuck this! Fuck you!
No, no, no! Please! Please!
Jesus Christ, the other hand!
- Eh?
- Use the fucking other hand, Mick!
Is that your wanking hand, is it?
Please yourself.
Mick, it's Dennis fucking Lillee!
Dennis fucking Lillee! Please!
Please! Please! Mick! Mick! Mick!
It's Dennis Lillee...
Give me that fucking hand
or I'll knock your fucking teeth
right down your fucking throat.
You understand me? Eh? Eh?
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
Oh, no!
Please.
Just let me out of here.
Of course I am going to let
you out of there, mate.
You've been a real good sport.
But first I'm going to grab
us another drink. All right?
You're going to let me go now?
Yeah, of course I will.
Yeah, I'm going to
let you out of here
and then I'm going to
take you somewhere else.
- Down there.
- No!
'Cause you see, no one
really gets out of here.
Well, not in one piece, you know.
Figuratively speaking.
That would just be crazy.
What the fuck is this?
You said you were a
man of your word.
I am. I am, mate.
As I said, you owe me, boy.
You took away my plaything.
And so, you're just going to
have to stand in for a bit.
Okey dokey?
No. You're some
fucking faggot freak.
You...
Don't you ever fucking say that!
Don't you ever say that!
Hey!
This will turn you into a woman.
I didn't mean it like that.
Hey, Mick.
It's Don Bradman, bitch.
You'll have to do better than that,
you Pommy cunt!
Oi! That really bloody hurt!
I think you cracked me skull!
I got claret coming out of me
bloody skull, all over the place!
There's blood everywhere!
I hope you're happy
with yourself, mate!
Yeah, I reckon by now you ought
to have found the dead end.
People have been dying
to get out of here.
Fuck!
Oh, Danny boy
The pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen
And down the mountain side
The summer's gone and
all the flowers are dying
You've got to be fucking joking.
Here comes Uncle Mick!
Make it stop! Please!
Please, don't leave me!
I'll come back! I'll come back!
Please!
Help me!
Now, about all them bodies.
They deserved it.
All of 'em.
Foreign bastards!
Noxious, bloody weak.
Somebody's gotta keep
Australia beautiful!
Fuck!
We're having such a good time.
Singing, and drinking,
and carrying on.
Tie me kangaroo down, sport
Tie me kangaroo down
Tie me...
Ah, fuck ya!
Come on! Come on!
Get out of here! Get him! Go on,
get away up there. Get on him!
No!
Come on, mate. Where do
you think you're going?
I told ya, there's
no way out of here.
Fee-fi-fo-fum
I smell the blood
of a stinkin' Porn!
Bit rough, ain't it?
Now, where were we?
Yeah, that's right.
You see, in this world,
there's people like me and
there's people like you.
And people like me eat people
like you for breakfast
and shit 'em out.
You're nothing but foreign vermin.
A stinking introduced species.
And it's up to my kind
to wipe your kind out.
And that makes me the winner.
Which makes you...
You got to help me.
You got to help me.