1
[]
[GAVEL POUNDS]
MAN:
Gentlemen, please,
the meeting is called to order,
and we need quiet,
not a riot.
Otherwise,
we can't proceed.
Listen,
you Woman Haters,
we meet
for the seventh time
to convince
each member of the club
that romance
is a crime!
If you have any questions
or any suggestions
that you'd like
to make today,
or if you have a notion
to offer a motion,
let's hear
what you have to say.
Come, speak up
like a hero.
Your speech
need not be rehearsed.
Who's that?
Oh, yes, it's Mr. Zero.
All right.
I'll speak up first.
[APPLAUSE]
I'll give you my opinion
of the opposite sexes.
When a man marries a girl,
he has to work
while she relaxes.
Some smart aleck wrote a book
The Woman Always Pays.
Yeah, she pays
for perfume, powder,
paint and every silly craze.
But where does
the money come from?
From those dopey guys
who fall.
I say down
with every guy who sings,
"My Life, My Love,
My all."
Gentlemen, gentlemen,
those in favor say "aye."
MEN:
Aye. Aye.
CHAIRMAN:
All right,
we'll pass that by.
Mr. Chairman,
three gentlemen wait without.
Without what?
They wanna join
our club today.
Okay, admit them
right away.
[]
In the name
of the Woman Haters Club,
I welcome you.
Do you three gentlemen
understand
what you're
expected to do?
Now, boys, relax.
I said, relax.
Now, please, at ease.
Relax, relax!
I didn't tell you
to break your backs.
Stand up
for the initiation.
Please. Please.
Don't do that.
CHAIRMAN:
Let go!
[CHAIRMAN GRUNTING]
CHAIRMAN:
I pronounce you members
of the Woman Haters Club!
ALL:
Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!
Fellas, I'll have to quit
that club I joined last week.
BOTH: Quit the club?!
That's what I said.
Why, you big fathead,
what do you mean?
It's this way:
I met a beautiful girl
and fell
head over heels in love.
Why, you must be
outta your mind.
You're crazy.
What're you thinking of?
But I promised
to marry her tonight.
BOTH:
Tonight?
Why, if you violate
the rules of the club,
you're just as good
as dead.
If you get married,
you'll be carried out
and clubbed
right on the head.
Down with the traitors
of the Woman Haters Club.
Fellas,
you've convinced me.
I guess
that you're right.
I'll have to call
the wedding off.
I'll tell her tonight.
That's fine,
but how can we be certain
you won't give us
the double-cross?
I'll put up
my bankroll.
If I miss,
I'll take the loss.
I got a better idea
than that.
I'll tell you
what let's do.
Jackie, me and you
put up our bankrolls too.
We'll sign
an agreement
that we three will
stick together for life
and never even look at a girl
and never take a wife.
Now that you've signed,
please bear in mind,
from now on,
no women around of any kind.
Right?
Right.
Now the forfeit
we'll post.
Fill 'em up.
Fill 'em up.
Now I'll make a toast.
To the three musketeers,
who've stuck along for years,
we've traveled together
in every kind of weather.
Right?
Right.
What've you got
to say for yourself?
Me?
You.
I've got plenty
to say for myself.
[HICCUPS]
I beg your pardon, mates.
Here's to the finest salesmen
in the whole United States.
Say, by the way, don't we leave
for the row tonight?
What day is this?
The 21st.
By golly,
you're right.
Let's hurry back.
We gotta pack
our samples for the trip.
Okay. Before we go,
let's take another sip.
Here's
to our trip.
You'd better see your girl
and offer her your sympathy.
Tell her that the bride-to-be
is not the bride-to-be.
Right?
Right.
[HICCUPS]
[HICCUPS]
[BELCHES]
Rain or shine or rain,
I'll meet youse at the train.
And now I'll tell the lady
that I'll never see her again.
[IRISH ACCENT]
Daughter, it's late.
Have you heard from Jim?
Now, Dad, he'll be here.
Don't worry about him.
But the people
are waitin'.
Oh, here he comes now.
Hello, Jim.
Can I see you privately
in the next room?
Not now, dear.
What's troubling you?
Why all the gloom?
Friends of the family...
meet the groom.
Aw, congratulations.
[GUESTS CHATTERING]
Come on, son-in-law,
let's have a drink.
Well, here's
to the happiest ending.
Gee, I don't
feel so hot.
Go on, you're joking.
Sure you're pretending.
Honestly, father,
I'm not.
That reminds me
of a story. Listen.
That's me other daughter there.
Well, on her wedding day,
the fellow she was about
to marry tried to run away.
Did you ever hear
of a nerve like that?
Well, I took care
of that guy.
In a room,
I locked him,
then I socked him
right in the eye.
Then I turned him over
to me brother, the cop.
He just picked him up
and spinned him
around like a top.
Then me other brother,
who's a fighter, began.
Son, I'm ashamed to tell you
what he did to that man.
Did he marry
your daughter?
Did he?
I should say he did.
There he is right over there.
He'll be walking soon, poor kid.
Oh, Jim, let's go.
Right now?
Yeah.
[GROANS]
Good luck.
Let's go.
[JIM GROANS]
[]
Jim, do you take Mary...
["HERE COMES THE BRIDE" PLAYS]
...for your lawful wedded wife?
I do.
Mary, do you promise
to love him,
share his joy
and share his strife?
Oh, I do.
MINISTER:
Place the ring upon her finger.
Not that one,
the other finger.
I pronounce you
man and wife.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[]
Honey,
we're two hours early.
Why did we
get here so soon?
Just so we can be
alone for a while,
alone on our honeymoon.
Oh, darling,
you're so thoughtful.
Catch on?
You bet I do.
Is that all, sir?
Yeah, that's all
that I want with you.
We're away
from the crowd.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Whew, what a relief.
Here you are.
Oh, thank you,
sir.
Just ring
if you want me, chief.
Oh, darling, I'm so happy
that we're married at last.
You know something? I'm gonna
try to make you happy too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I can't believe it.
It all happened so fast.
Dear, can I ask
a little favor of you?
Why, certainly.
I want you to promise
to keep our marriage a secret.
What do you say?
Why, the idea.
Are you ashamed of me?
[TEARFULLY]
Oh, you're starting out
in a nice way.
Doll, I might meet
some friends on the train
that'll try
to kid me along.
I dare them
to kid you along.
Okay, I guess I'm wrong.
For you
For you, my life
My love, my all
We'll see the evening twilight
Falling
I'll come home to you
Calling
Yoo-hoo-hoo-hoo
You'll croon
Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo
A little song
About the moon
[WHISTLES POORLY]
And when I've finished
With my crooning
On my knees
I'll fall
BOTH:
My life, my love, my all
[]
There.
Say, what's that button
that you wear?
"W.H.,"
what can that be?
Woman Haters.
Oh, I see.
That's our organization.
Why?
It appeals to me
somehow.
Would you like to join?
Yes, sir.
Okay.
We'll initiate you now.
[]
I now pronounce you a member
of the Woman Haters Club.
Say, did you see
a curly-headed fella?
Sure enough.
He's in there with a lady.
Brother, she hot stuff.
Honey, "W.H."?
What does that mean?
Wonderful honeymoon.
Oh...
[DOOR OPENS]
What does this mean?
Are you crazy or what?
You fainted.
Did you forgot?
What do you think,
Tommy?
It's tommyrot.
Come here. Come here!
Is there something
I can do, dear?
Well, I wonder
what that's all about.
Is it possible
he's a thief?
Something tells me
this marriage of mine
is going to end
in grief.
I guess the best way
to settle this matter is
to attend
to it myself.
Fellas, I tell you,
you got me all wrong.
I was minding my own business
when that woman came along.
Suddenly,
she fainted.
Now, I'm asking you,
if a woman faints
right in your arms,
what is there to do?
You don't think
that I'd fool around
with a sappy dame
like that?
Her eyes are
like a cat
and her hair is
like a rat.
TOMMY:
Well, just the same,
we signed a paper,
and that paper reads:
"No woman shall ever
enter our lives,
no matter
what she needs."
Next time
you're with a girl,
you're gonna forfeit
your dough.
And furthermore,
you have no right--
All right, all right,
I know.
[WHISPERING
INDISTINCTLY]
Oh, I'm in trouble
A lot of trouble
I really don't know
what to do
Can I get some help
From you?
Tell me,
is it really serious?
You'll never know
How serious
Let me help her.
She's delirious.
Look!
She's gonna faint
Oh, no, she ain't.
Oh, I can't bear it
I can't go on
Won't someone help me
To my room
Or I'll go right
To my doom
Well, little girl,
if that's the case,
I'll go with you
almost anyplace.
Oh, thank you.
Okay, toots.
Thank you.
[]
You've got to let me
out of here.
You stay where you are.
I'll find out what's
going on in the next car.
I insist.
You stay here. I got to go.
You insist?
Yes, I insist.
Oh, is that so?
Listen, I know how
to handle her.
I've done it before.
You give me the works before.
Ya can't do it no more.
You'll make me mad.
I'm losing my temper.
I'm warning you!
So you're trying
to bulldoze me?
What are you gonna do?
You're making me mad!
I'm losing my temper.
Come on,
get out of my way.
No, I won't get out
of your way.
Right here is where I'll stay.
Say, what's the idea
of this rough stuff?
I've stood enough guff
from you two.
Now, you behave.
Well, we weren't gonna
bother anybody, mister.
We were just--
[]
For you
For you, my life
My love, my all
We'll see
The evening twilight falling
I'll come home to you
Calling
Yoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo
You'll croon
Boo-boo-boo-boo
A little song
Beneath the moon
[FAILS TO WHISTLE]
And when you're finished
With your crooning
BOTH:
On my knees I'll fall
My life, my love, my all
Come on, explain yourself,
and you better do it quick.
Breaking into my room
this way
is the lowest kind of a trick.
But, darling--
BOTH:
"Darling"!?
Oh, I forgot.
I thought
I was talking to you.
Me? Where do you get
that stuff?
What are you trying to do?
What are you doing here
with this gal?
That's what I want
to know.
Come on outside
and I'll tell ya.
All right.
Come on, let's go.
[]
Where's Jackie?
Oh, come to me
Come to me
Tell me
I'm your heart's desire
Oh, come to me
Come to me
Let me feel the bliss
of your maddening kiss
JIM:
Open that door
or I'll break it!
MARY: Oh!
What's going on in there?
Oh. Oh...
TOMMY:
You're a Woman Hater!
Ooh...
[BANGING ON DOOR]
Okay, under here.
JIM:
You can't get away
with this.
Under here.
Under here.
TOMMY:
You can't get away
with it!
Oh, my goodness.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Play dead.
Play dead.
[GIGGLES]
Shh.
The poor boy is ill.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Be quiet till he awakes.
Fever. He's hot.
Don't worry.
I got what it takes
To cure him
Don't you dare strike him!
What's the matter?
Do you like him?!
If you dare to lay
a hand on him, I'll scream.
[SCREAMS]
Oh.
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk,
nyuk, nyuk.
Come on, now,
scram, ya mugs.
Did ya hear what I said?
And don't disturb us again,
we're going to bed.
[]
[SMOOCHING]
Oh!
Get in there,
up against the wall.
TOMMY:
Oh.
[CRUNCHING]
[WHOOPING]
[]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
What are you doing?
Who are you looking for?
Let me out.
Let me out of here.
Oh, a couple
of acrobats.
Now, you pay attention
and you might get
a big surprise.
I'll relieve your tension
by telling you that I'm wise.
This man's my husband.
We were married a couple
of hours ago,
and the agreement
that you signed is false
and it don't go.
Everybody has cheated.
I can prove it, and I know.
Move over.
Move over?
[SCREAMS]
[]
The 30th meeting of the Woman
Haters Club is called.
ZERO:
Mr. Chairman,
there's a man outside.
Tell him
to come inside.
Well, what do you want?
I wanna join
the Woman Haters Club.
For you
For you my life
My love, my all
Each evening
When the twilight's falling
I'll come home to you
Calling
BOTH:
Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo
I'll croon
Boo-boo-boo
A little song
About the moon
[WHISTLING]
And when I'm finished
ALL:
With my crooning
On my knees I'll fall
My life
My love
My all
[]!