Good evening, Miss Lake.
Aaah!
This is so sad.
Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan!
Please, let me through.
Please.
Bravo, I say!
Ryan rules!
Congratulations.
Thank you, thank you.
Here you go.
Mitsubishi.
Mr. Harrison...
...here you go.
Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan!
Ryan! Ryan! Ryan!
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Nice talking with you.
Cass Lake.
No, Ryan Harrison.
You're mixing me up with some woman.
I'd love to have you
sit for me some time.
Are you a dog trainer?
No, portraits.
I've seen every one of your concerts.
Your music moved me.
Nothing like a good movement.
Oh, Allah!
Oh, my balls!
Muslim prayers.
That must be east.
Well, excuse me.
My hand!
Hibbing Goodhue.
Maestro Harrison, welcome.
Thank you for inviting me.
I need to talk to you.
Cass, I have guests.
It's been a privilege
sponsoring your concerts.
I'm eternally grateful to my husband for
bringing you into my life, Mr. Harrison.
I think this deserves a kiss,
don't you?
I've never missed one of your concerts.
Hibbing, however,
wasn't at Friday's.
It was a high colonic.
Yes, a Jewish holiday.
Mazel tov.
I'll just round us up some drinks.
How dare you?
How could you ignore my note?
All I want is for you to reconsider.
Hibbing, please.
- Ryan.
- Oh, stuff and nonsense!
Go dash a mineral water in your face
and buck up!
You deserve a real man's drink.
Bottoms up.
I know mine will be.
- Good-bye, darling!
- Have a safe flight.
Could you please open the gates for me?
Never mind!
Ryan, what are you doing?
Your dog certainly has
a surprised look on his face.
Well, that's because
you're looking at his butt.
Uh... oh.
Then he's certainly not going to enjoy
that treat that I just fed to him.
Well, I guess I'd better be...
I don't think so.
Now they're safe.
I thought I might go for a swim.
Would you care to join me?
I have a suit for you.
Mrs. Goodhue...
...I think that we should
say good-bye now.
No, please.
My head is spinning like a dreidel
in a sandstorm. I should go...
Kissing you makes me think
about your husband.
You do like women?
Of course.
But you're a married one.
I'm not.
Hibbing won't be back for three days.
Stay?
You don't know what you're missing.
I used to lick envelopes for a living.
Those long manila ones.
I'm not wearing any underwear.
Ohh!
Intruder, intruder.
Step away from the car.
Step away from the car.
System deactivated.
Get into the car.
Get into the car.
Get into the car.
Ryan, darling, why are you leaving me?
Hibbing is out of town.
If I don't see you tonight,
I'm prepared to take my own life.
I am desperate!
And I'm out of milk.
Can you pick up a half gallon
of two percent on the way?
Yours in adultery, Lauren.
Ruth Kimball, in New York.
And I'm speaking with
United Nations Secretary General...
...Sir Robert McKintire.
I'd like to thank our friend, Hibbing
Goodhue, for arranging this interview.
Hibbing has been my good friend
since our school days at...
...Cherry Pants-upon-Buttocks.
He's invited you to come to Columbia
Heights to make an important speech.
A speech that will have terrorists
peeing their pants.
Quite.
I am forming
a multinational strike force...
...whose sole purpose is to tear at
the very heart of terrorism...
...by seeking out and destroying their
sanctuaries and training compounds.
I will be placing every terrorist
on alert...
...that their days are indeed numbered.
Yes!
...a lesbian...
...oral...
...used to masturbate...
...nymphomaniac Siamese twins...
...who cheat with
each other's husbands.
But first, it's official!
The United Nations Secretary General,
Sir Robert McKintire...
...will be in Columbia Heights
on the 12th of this month...
...as guest of Hibbing Goodhue.
Sir Robert will be speaking
at our Columbia Heights Jamboree...
...and will be the highlight of this
year's celebration of Scottish heritage.
The Brave-Roy pipe and drill team...
...I'm not having orgasms... gay guys...
It's you!
I've been drinking several toasts
to your honor tonight, my dear.
Yes, to the great deceiver.
You never loved me.
You only wanted me
for my connection with...
...McKintire.
And for my quiet shoreline...
...the perfect place to land
a small group of terrorists.
This is about assassination.
Turn that bloody radio off!
Please, that's far too melodramatic.
Ouch!
Aaah!
Bloody hell!
Have you quite finished?
Lauren?
I read your note.
I'm not here to play games, Lauren.
Where are you?
Lauren?
L... Oh.
I want you to understand.
There's nothing between us.
You're not Lauren!
You're an imposter!
"Hylander"?
Goodhue!
Where the hell were you?!
You made a mess of things.
At least you did your job.
Goodhue knew too much.
He had to die.
As for this sorry sod, you've given
the authorities Hibbing's murderer.
I expect we'll move forward
with no further interference...
...with Operation Hylander,
the killing of the U.N.'s McKintire.
We have a code 3, 43rd and Jefferson.
Say "cheese."
Who's that?
Where'd he come from?
He's got a gun!
Get the gun!
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say may be
held against you.
One nation, indivisible,
till death do us part.
- Van Atter!
- Yeah?
Take this blood sample to the lab.
And don't go walking around
with it all day.
Up yours!
Get him in the car. All right,
people, get him in the car.
Give us room.
Stand back, people.
Give him a little air, people.
I want you people back.
Hold them back, hold them back.
I'm innocent.
I'm being wrongfully accused.
Guilt or innocence,
that's not my job.
It's my duty to pick up
scum-sucking punks like yourself...
...who are accused of a crime.
A jury of twelve really stupid people...
...who are easily swayed by rich,
fat-cat, slimy lawyers...
...who'll do anything but tell the
truth, will sit in judgment of you.
It's as American as a burrito.
Ryan and I were having sex.
Hot, steamy, sweaty sex.
Every part of my body tingled,
orgasm after orgasm...
Lady, I just asked for your name.
Mrs. Hibbing Goodhue.
I was weak to Ryan's charms.
He wanted me to leave Hibbing.
He said he just wanted to talk to him.
I can't believe he killed him.
I came home...
...late last night...
...and there he was.
Now I'm going to have to start...
...dating again.
Mr. Harrison! Mr. Harrison!
Okay, everybody, come on.
Let the car through. Stand back.
Ryan Harrison,
a jury of your peers...
...have found you guilty of murder.
On August 12,
at Stillwater Federal Prison...
...you shall have your sentence
carried out.
You shall be executed buffet style,
lethally injected, electrocuted...
...and placed before a firing squad.
May God have mercy on your soul,
you bastard, you.
Seats in the upright position.
Handcuffs and ankle chains
must be securely fastened...
...or you will be shot.
Exits are clearly marked...
...but you will not be using them.
Should you use them...
...you will be shot.
On behalf of the State of Minnesota...
...thank you for being
arrested and convicted.
Sit back and enjoy your bus ride.
I'm not going to take it any longer.
I'm going to fight back.
I am going to prove
that I am not guilty.
Shut up!
No! I'm being wrongfully accused.
How dare you, sir?
How dare you?!
No, how dare you?!
No, no, how dare you?!
How dare you "no, no"
my "how dare you?!"
You dare to dare me?!
How dare you "how dare me,"
when I "how dare you?!"
You big pee-pee head!
You are the pee-pee head!
Mr. Booger Lips, ca-ca mouth!
Shut up!
You'll never shut me up!
Hey, you pee-pee head!
Hey! I can't see!
Take the wastebasket off your head.
I still can't see!
Take the other one off.
That's better.
Get the keys.
Take off the cuffs.
My shoe's untied.
My shirt's out.
Whoo, whoo.
Whoo?
Oh, no!
- A train!
- A train?
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Huh? Uh-oh.
Orono! Bagley!
This looks like a trailer park
after a tornado.
All right, speak to me, people.
One prisoner was missing.
- It's a Ryan...
- Harrison.
The man who killed Hibbing Goodhue.
This has more twists and turns
than Chubby Checker in a blender.
So we got us a murderer on the loose!
All right,
listen up, people!
Our man will be on foot
and running.
A man that's tired,
a man that's possibly hurt...
...will have a stride of 4 feet,
...while wearing boxer shorts.
Four feet even,
with the restrictions of a brief.
Which means he will cover
four miles in one hour.
He's got an hour and 3/4 start on us.
He'll take to the nearest highway.
He'll commandeer a car
or hop on a truck.
Now, the average elevation in this area
is 2,057 feet...
...2 and 1/4 inches,
with one exception.
He will take any chances,
do anything to stay a free man.
Climb, hike...
...rappel.
Hell, even fall down a damn mountain.
It's a wilderness out there...
...so this citified sophisticate
better watch himself.
He's in the heart of bear country.
This fiddle player will be hungry...
...famished, starved.
His last meal was twelve hours ago.
This boy's on the run.
He'll head for the city,
a large city.
He'll try to lose himself in a crowd.
And wherever he goes, he will feel
hundreds of eyes staring his way.
No matter what he does,
no matter where he goes...
...he will feel hunted.
And my friends...
...you are looking at the hunter!
I want roadblocks
around a 10-mile radius.
Set up communications
with all law enforcement.
That's state, county, city!
Get me Governor Carlson.
I may need the National Guard.
Diet Coke, no ice.
All right, people.
I want Harrison caught...
...in 4 hours and 28 minutes.
That will make it exactly high noon.
Now let's move it!
Move it! Move it! Move it!
Move it, people! Move it!
Nelson and I are heading towards Wysetta
by way of Peck's Woods.
So far, no sign of Harrison. Over.
Ten-four, Unit Six.
How you doing there?
Fine.
These are on sale, right?
Sure, yeah.
$32.50, okay?
You betcha, sure.
Doing some fishing around here?
Yes.
I'm going to do a little angling,
see if I can't catch one of those...
uh, bigmouth fish here in Minnesota.
And some of those huge huskies, too.
So, Roman...
...are you still fishing off Gray's Bay?
Catching any walleyes,
muskies or enemy boats?
Sure, you betcha.
I told you that upteen times.
A guy in a rubber-type boat was headed
for the Goodhue place, you know?
Yeah, sure, yeah.
Okay then?
Sure, after how many beers?
I ain't touched a drop of liquor
since I quit singing with ABBA.
Was that the night of
the Hibbing Goodhue murder?
- You seem awful interested in this case.
- No.
- Do you know something
about the Goodhue killing?
- No.
- Do you have any real stories
to tell us?
- No.
I'll take the rod
and write a check here.
You have a pen?
Thank you.
Yeah, sure enough. You betcha. Okay.
You know, I've never seen you
around here, Mr...
Buzzin.
Buzzin Frog.
Born on the shores
of the Euro Larvae River in Rapala.
Couple of husky jerks...
...brought me to Slimy Slug,
South Dakota.
Up there by Timber Doodle?
The Zebco brothers, Smithwick...
...and Salty Dog Shrimp...
Ohh!
I can't go fishing this afternoon.
I've got a big meeting over at...
...Menzrum.
I'd forget my genitals if they weren't
SuperGlued in between my legs.
Water-skiing accident.
Freeze, Harrison!
Don't move.
You know, I've never seen you
around here, Mr...
Buzzin.
Buzzin Frog.
Born on the shores
of the Euro Larvae River...
...in Rapala.
Up there by Timber Doodle?
...Salty Dog Shrimp.
I've got a big meeting
over at Menzrum.
There's got to be something here...
...some clue, somewhere.
- Ryan.
- What are you doing here?
- How did you get in?
- The door was open.
I locked that door.
A key.
Lauren is missing. She gave you a key,
sent you to do evidence housecleaning.
No, I painted Hibbing's portrait.
He gave me this key to let myself in.
I have no idea where Lauren is.
The killer could be stalking her.
Stalking, schmalking. She lied
about me on the witness stand.
She set me up to come here
the night of the murder.
She couldn't do anything like that.
Coulda, woulda, shoulda.
She dida!
I understand her.
You see, I think she's my sister.
Sister?
It's like a brother,
only you do each other's hair.
I think she's in grave danger.
I came to look for clues.
Ryan, I know you're innocent.
You really mean that?
This is not just
another way to meet guys?
I'm a friend.
I wish that we could be friends.
But women and me...
...are like water and fire...
Wet and flammable.
No, no.
You hang out with me...
...and you're going to get hurt.
No.
It was all mine.
The city was at my feet,
spread out like an oyster.
People bravoed, they ovated.
I was somebody,
I was a contender.
Now all I've got
is a one-way ticket to Palookaville.
It's got to be that the answer
is here somewhere.
The party...
...drinks, drinking...
...the bar.
There was something
about the bartender.
Close your eyes.
The bartender!
Hibbing's killer!
You...
...with the killer.
Good Lord!
The bus stop at Helm's
is the 5:50 express.
It stops right in front
of the Goodhue house.
Scour the entire area.
Orono, chase the car
and put it in park.
Bagley, I want everyone interrogated.
I want surnames, last names,
given names, confirmation names.
Give me photo analysis,
footprint analysis...
...DNA, bra sizes.
I'll check out
who belongs to this truck.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
I need a backup unit,
a roadblock and a helicopter.
Harrison?
Where's that gardener?
Bagley!
Orono!
That's our man!
She meant to do that.
Women.
We got us a gopher.
I'll see where this thing comes out.
Call the Department of Water...
Hey!
Hands up!
It's over, Harrison.
But I'm innocent.
The one-armed, one-legged, one-eyed man.
The bartender.
He was the one
who killed Hibbing Goodhue.
And Lauren Goodhue is working with him.
Why, I don't know.
- Why?
- I don't know!
But I'll find them. I've got clues.
I've got a map.
I've got the name, "Hylander,"
and a rubber boat.
They prove I've been wrongfully accused!
Nice tune,
but I didn't come here to dance.
You've been convicted of murder.
I'm taking you in.
No!
I'm not going back.
Wherever it is!
Wait, Harrison!
Man in the water!
Ooh! Cold, cold!
What the hell is all that rubber boat
and "Hylander" stuff about?
Orono, call the coast guard.
"Hylander."
Well!
Peekaboo, baby!
Don't move.
I've got a gun.
Not here...
...but I got one.
You frightened?
You ran away, you remember?
You can move now.
Yes, I was frightened.
I've been driving all over the city
searching for you.
Well, you found me.
Hide-and-seek is over.
The school bell has rung.
Time to go back to the homeroom.
Whatever you do, don't scream.
Aaah!
Like that.
Ryan...
...you can feel safe here.
We're six floors up.
No one can see you.
Hey, Cass!
Who's your new friend?
Sit down, Pancakes.
Of all the women in all the world...
...you had to walk into mine.
I'm sure if we just talk all night,
we can work this out.
Sure, Slappy.
Let's pull out that wad of cotton
and get right to the aspirin.
You hired a hit man.
You wanted Hibbing dead.
I saw the two of you arguing.
And you were sizzling
like a wiener on a hibachi.
That's because Hibbing told me that
he hated the portrait I did of him.
It hurt.
A deep, crampy kind of a hurt.
That's why I was so upset.
I was even going to kill myself.
But I couldn't.
I threw the gun in the bay.
We don't have time
for this schoolgirl act.
We're, both of us,
sitting under the gallows.
You're not telling the truth! Explain
why you gave the killer the money.
That was Hibbing's money
for the portrait.
I gave it to the bartender
to give back to Hibbing.
I never wanted to see Hibbing again.
Your lies are like bananas.
They come in big yellow bunches.
I wish there was something
I could do to make you believe me.
Damn you!
Damn you for making me
fall in love with you.
- I can't let you get mixed up in this.
- I want to get mixed up in it.
- I can't do it to you.
- I want you to do it to me.
I'm a hunted man.
Every time I think that I'm out,
they pull me back in.
Hunt me! Pull me!
Ryan, you can't do this on your own.
I have to.
Now, listen...
...I'm going out that door...
...and where I'm going
you can't follow me.
And I'm not trying to be noble.
But baby, out there...
...it's a hill of beans.
Here's looking at you, kid.
You're the stuff dreams are made of.
You see?
You're exhausted.
Listen...
...I'm going to give you
a sponge bath...
...give you a bracing enema
and make you something to eat.
Just put your weight on me.
I'll take you into the bedroom.
An enema?
It's nervous time. Time is running out.
We got a fast break.
He's blocked from entering the lane.
Yo-yoing up and down.
Up and down, up and down!
He checks the clock.
Time is running out.
He's been in the paint for a long time.
He's going for it.
Shoots off the iron, rebound,
put it up. It's dangling on the rim.
No, yes, no, yes, no.
Rebound. He's going for it.
The mustard's off the hot dog.
Another rebound.
No harm, no foul.
He pumps up a long one.
Nothing but net. Oh, yes!
He scores! This one's in the
refrigerator. The door is closed.
The lights are out,
the eggs are cooling.
The butter's getting hard
and the Jell-O is jiggling!
A picnicker said she saw a man
wet and dripping walk this way.
Well, gather up all these leaves
for trace evidence.
Shoot and gut
every animal in the park.
Their stomachs might contain something
that could be a clue.
Donate the meat to charity.
The hides can be turned into
warm socks for the poor.
Grind up the bones for dog food.
I want nothing wasted.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Here we are.
A man's footprint...
...the depth of the print indicating
the weight and the height of Harrison.
Tire tracks.
Tire tracks of the kind found in
the classic Mercedes-Benz convertible.
The car of choice...
...for a bright,
young professional woman.
An artist...
...maybe a photographer, painter.
A woman with a mysterious past.
A woman who is looking for someone.
I can feel it.
I'm as sure about that as I am that
that's an anaconda.
That woman that cut us off in the
Mercedes, that fits her to a tee.
License number 381 JPL.
Davy Crockett died for our sins.
Harrison's had somebody
helping him all along!
Call Motor Vehicles.
Get her address.
- We'll pick her up.
- No. No.
There are better ways
to find out what a woman knows.
Dinner and a movie, lie to her,
say you love her.
That works, but in this case
we're going to stake out her place.
She's going to lead us
to Ryan Harrison.
Bagley!
Wait, I'm coming.
Hey, guys!
Henningsen and Sachs
presents Old People on Ice.
Now through November
at the Marnie Ice Arena.
Good afternoon, I'm Ruth Kimball
with your hometown news.
For 36 hours, Ryan Harrison,
murderer, all-around big dink...
has been a fugitive.
Lieutenant Fergus Falls
is heading the worldwide manhunt.
Police helicopters, dogs, psychics
and thousands of police are involved.
Plus millions of average citizens
who would give their left nut...
...to collect the $50,000 reward.
And who couldn't
use a bit of extra money?
A couple on a fixed income, a teacher,
especially a struggling artist...
...who had to return a large fee
because someone hated her portrait.
I personally
wouldn't trust someone like that...
...for a million, billion,
trillion dollars.
The Columbia Heights Jamboree...
...is shaping...
I'm on the 6th floor,
apartment 602.
What?
No, he's alone.
Well.
Well, well!
No, you don't understand.
This can't wait.
This has to happen right now.
Sean Laughrea.
Hibbing's killer.
Yes. Thank you.
Harrison! Open up!
We know you're in there!
It's the police!
Don't go in there!
- What are you doing?
- Harrison!
Ryan, open up!
I've got a gun!
Come on!
Ryan!
Let me in! Right now!
Come out!
Is that my toilet? Ryan!
Open up!
You'll never get away, Ryan!
- Ryan!
- Whoa!
Starting to give!
Aaaah!
Go!
All right, my angels...
...move!
- Patio clear!
- Ivy needs water!
Den is clear!
I got spaghetti!
Watch it!
Plate could be hot!
I got a shut door!
Empty.
We throw a shoe
every time we start to gallop.
That man's as slick as a lizard
in Jerry Lewis' hair.
Cass Lake,
face of an angel.
Harrison's accomplice.
A caterpillar has 2,087
minute hairs on each leg.
But for the life of me, I cannot
tell you why women keep falling...
...for the wrong man.
All right, people!
Tag and log everything.
I want carpet fibers.
I want wallpaper swatches.
I want all plumbing
and wood surfaces analyzed.
So vacuum, cut,
chip and suck!
There are two things
that frost my butt:
It's a snow cone
about that high...
...and the other one
is Ryan Harrison.
I don't hear it, people!
- Pediatrics is down the street.
- Thank you.
Dr. Kimball to surgery,
please. Dr. Kimball.
Dr. Kevorkian.
Dr. Kevorkian to Mr. Simpson's room.
A volcano has erupted!
Tornado!
Earthquake!
It's El Nio!
Killer bees!
An ocean liner hit an iceberg!
Thank God you're here,
Doctor... Sanchez.
Because of cutbacks,
you are the only person on duty.
He's pregnant.
Doctor, this man's been shot 5 times.
Down at the end
in the 10-Bullets-or-Less lane.
I'll adjust that.
Maximum flow.
Doctor, you'd better
take a look at this.
Uh, no, thank you.
Administer 200,000
units of adrenaline.
- But...
- Damn your "but."
I said 200,000 cc's of adrenaline.
Balance and rotate the organs.
Put granny on the gurney.
Put the cop in post-op.
- ICU?
- And I see you.
You're a fine nurse.
I want to speak to you.
Isn't that a little fester?
- What?
- Just below your eye there.
- Fester? Is it dangerous?
- Let me get a good look at that.
Check in, Second Floor Security.
Check in, please, Jackson.
I'm searching the west wing.
So far, no sign of the intruder.
Nurse! Nurse!
Hold it!
Quick!
Okay. Let's go, let's go.
- Security, look behind you.
- What?
- Look behind you.
- Where?
Look behind you.
Oh. Too late.
Go to Radiology.
We should be safe for now.
I followed the diaper truck.
As soon as I saw this hospital,
I knew you must be here.
Put your hand in my pocket.
All right.
What am I looking for?
Nothing.
I just missed you, baby.
We're going to party like it's 1995.
Oh, Ryan.
I hoped you'd say those words.
I love you.
Boy!
You really are something,
aren't you?
You believed me just then, didn't you?
How does it feel?
You were lit up
like Dennis Rodman at Christmastime.
You really are good!
I do love you, Ryan.
I truly do.
And you eat with that mouth?
The Beatles said it best:
"She loves you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah."
Listen, Michelle, my belle...
...this nowhere man is the walrus.
Kookookachoo.
Up at the apartment,
you said you thought I was innocent.
But then visions
of a big fat reward...
...danced through your head
like sugarplums on steroids.
You made a call,
you got a gat...
...and you sicced Johnny Law on me.
You're just a big bully,
aren't you?
That gun was for your protection.
I called the airlines to get you
a plane to South America, you mean man.
I wish I had a Quarter Pounder with
Cheese every time I heard that chestnut.
This little nutcracker is not dancing
to your suite anymore, princess.
I found Lauren's letters to Sean
in your apartment.
Explain that!
Lauren knew Sean for a long time.
You knew that.
You knew she knew him.
Yes, I knew she knew.
Netanyahu?
I knew Lauren knew Sean.
All right, the truth at last!
Oh, Ryan.
They're the only family I have.
Please don't make me choose
between you and my family.
Family?
Lauren's your sister. And?
Sean is my brother.
Forgive me.
Dr. Ross, Dr. Green, Dr. Carter,
Dr. Weaver and Dr. Benton...
...please pick up
a very large check in the ER.
A man fitting Harrison's description
and wearing a meat company shirt...
...has entered the ER.
There are 1,400 beds...
...a staff of 250,
Chances of our finding
Cass and Harrison right off...
...are 9,103 to 5.
It is 3:05 P.M.
We should make contact in 14 minutes...
...which makes it exactly...
...3:19 P.M.
Let's do it.
Records room. Records room.
Access denied.
Air conditioning duct.
Aha.
Let's see here.
- Uh, Nurse Anderson.
- Yes, Doctor?
Thank you.
Let me see...
Aaaah!
Shalom!
Dr. Fridley?
Sit down.
Here it is.
It's a beauty.
It's a work of art.
The barrel is
a lightweight titanium alloy.
A retractable Swiss laser scope.
A Rogers Palomino trigger,
self-cleaning pump action...
...ribbed for your pleasure.
A silencer.
A Hush Puppy.
Main Menu.
Searching.
Print?
Thank you. How are you today?
Getting any?
Good, he's taken the bait.
Just give me a second!
I'm almost done!
Go, go, go!
We'll lead him to the cornfield.
Then we'll kill him.
Cass.
This is some kind of trap,
isn't it?
Just like your sister
the night Hibbing was murdered.
- I want you to understand something.
- I understand everything, Luscious.
I saw through your lies
like Spam in a Ziploc bag.
I wish I could forget all this
and go away together.
We can go away right now.
I pack light.
Everything we need
is right here in my pants.
Listen to me.
I was abandoned as a child.
I never knew my mother,
my father, my dog.
Yeah, pretty words,
Baby Crackers.
Your Popeil Pasta Maker
is spewing out fettuccini full of lies.
Well, well.
What do we have here?
Lookit. Something even the cat
wouldn't have drug in.
Pull up a bucket of nightmares
and sit down.
I've had enough of you.
It's time to dispose of Ryan Harrison...
...the way I killed my dear,
late husband.
I should have guessed that you did it,
but I didn't.
Oh.
Sean Laughrea.
What a happy, big-time family reunion.
You make the Mansons
look like the Cleavers.
Family? Us? Me?
Yes.
I'm your sister.
Lauren's our mother.
I'm your mother's identical twin,
born ten years apart but identical.
I killed your mother. Penis envy.
She was a hermaphrodite.
Mom was my mother and my father?
Sean's adopted.
I dated your real father
but chose the life of a freedom fighter.
Well, Miss Thick Bubbly Lips, I found
out about Dr. Fridley prosthetic leg.
One carbon steel barrel,
magazine of cyanide-tipped bullets.
Nice new weapon. Right, Sean?
Signal "yes"...
...by shooting yourself
in the head 3 times.
Don't. It's a trick.
Very smart, Harrison,
but this is where smart ends...
...and dead begins.
You die.
Ruth, as you can see, the U.N. Secretary
General, Sir Robert McKintire...
...has arrived in Columbia Heights...
There's our target.
You killed Hibbing and now McKintire?
I can't believe it.
I hope what I just told you won't
keep you from carrying out our mission.
McKintire is an enemy
to every freedom fighter on this planet.
Yes, of course.
I see you're right.
Good. Let's go.
I'll just finish packing the terrorists'
lunches and I'll be right there.
See you in five?
Cass!
Cass!
Cass. Shh.
When you shot me at point-blank range
I knew you loved me.
Those trophies back at your apartment...
You're a crack shot.
I checked myself for holes.
There were just the usual ones.
You tricked them.
You were using blanks, right?
Yes. I had to shoot you, Ryan.
Otherwise, they would have murdered you.
After searching for my family,
I discovered they're terrorists.
And now they're trying
to kill my father.
Your father?
Yes. I just found out my father is
the Secretary General of the U.N.
Right. Two can play at that game.
We'll set a trap. You stay here.
If they change their plans,
you get the word out right away.
If they realize I'm pretending to be
one of them, they may try to kill me.
That's a chance I'll have to take.
Good luck.
Hmm.
The Columbia Heights Jamboree
is proud to welcome...
...Mayor John Stopka...
...and United Nations Secretary General,
Sir Robert McKintire.
Sir Robert, right after the drill team
you can begin your speech.
Thank you, Mayor Stopka.
Ohh!
Look out!
He's got a leg!
Ryan!
Oh, shit!
- Cass!
- Ryan!
- Come on, hurry. This way.
- All right, sir, this way.
- Come on, Daddy. Come with me.
- Daddy?
Ohh!
Get in! Get in!
Get in the bloody van!
Plan "B" a go.
"B" a go.
It's Ryan, the bastard!
And McKintire's with him.
Ryan, look out!
Oh, my God, it's Sean!
He's got a gun! Go, go, go, go!
Kill him!
Oh, no! A stinger!
Get back!
What a day!
Let's go!
That van over there!
My gun! Come on.
Quick! Over there.
Move it. Quick now!
Move it. Quick now!
Get down! Keep down!
Quickly!
Get down! Get down!
There's plenty of room in there!
Get in there! Move it, move it!
Damn!
Come on!
Drop your guns!
Drop 'em!
What?
Give 'em up!
- Hey. Nice work.
- Good one.
Stay with me, people!
Laughrea!
Fergus Falls,
here's the one-armed...
...one-legged, one-eyed man!
Are you frightened, punk?
Did I fire the last bullet...
...or is there is another one
in the chamber...
...with your name on it?
Does the thought of death
play with your mind?
Punk?
Do you...
...gots to know?
Well...
you got lucky.
There are no more bullets
in the chamber.
Whoops! My mistake!
Well, Lauren...
you'll pay the highest price of all
where you're going.
Those wet lips and hot kisses will be
falling on deaf ears for a long time.
They're all yours, Falls.
Tied up tight, like a bride
on her honeymoon night.
And so our tracks
have finally come together.
It's time to drive the golden spike.
Ryan Harrison, I say to you, on behalf
of law enforcement all over the world...
...you were wrongfully accused.
Hmm?
All right, people, move 'em out!
- Ryan!
- Cass!
Close your eyes.
Now don't worry.
I trust you.
Keep your eyes closed.
Now open your eyes.
I feel like I'm flying!