Man:
Union station, Los Angeles.
Welcome to Los Angeles.
There's always room for one more.
- ( Chuckles )
- ( Bells toll )
One, two, three!
Good love
Good love
- ( Horn honking )
- Taxi!
Good love
Good love
Woman: ( Whistles )
Hey, dude!
- I was feelin' so bad
- Jump in, bud.
I asked my family
doctor just what I had
( Tires screech )
I said doctor doctor
Mr. M.D.
Doctor
Can you tell me what's ailing me?
- ( Woman yelling shrilly )
- Doctor
He said, "yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah"
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yes, indeed
All I, I really need
Good love
Now, give me that good, good love
Good love
All I need is love
Good love
Good lovin', baby
Good love
( Horns honking )
Ow!
- Woman: That'll be $80, please.
- Man: $80?
Woman:
Well, you said you wanted the scenic route.
Man:
Here.
You sure this is
the right entrance?
You bet.
- Have a nice trip.
- Yeah.
Bye.
Have a good time.
( Yells shrilly )
- Uh...
- Have fun!
Hey, my things!
( Tires screech )
- ( Horn honks )
- ( Yells shrilly )
( Doorbell rings )
Skip?
( Rock music playing )
Skip?
"Dear Ed, L.A. is for you, dude.
Awesome surprise waiting
for you in the fridge."
Hmm.
"Surprise inside."
( Yells )
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah!
Stop it.
I got you.
- I got you!
- You did not.
- I did, too.
- No, you didn't.
It's good to see you, Eddie!
How you doin'?
Good. How are you?
What took you so long?
I could have died in there.
Oh, man, you are so crazy.
What if the door got stuck?
Well, life is a series of risks, man,
and you have taken the ultimate risk
by coming out here
to live with me, dude.
Look at your clothes.
What is this "dude" stuff?
You're from Ohio.
Come on.
Not anymore.
Not anymore.
Come on.
So, you see, I scammed
my way into house-sitting
for this big advertising
agency, right?
What do you think, man?
I think it's great.
Wow.
So, you got dumped, huh?
I don't know how
it happened, you know?
I mean, I'm in my tuxedo,
I'm on my way to the wedding,
and then I find out that Joanie
eloped with Paul Bodine.
- He was your best man.
- Yeah.
All right.
Listen, there's no
problem here, buddy,
because mi casa
esesses you casa.
- ( Laughs )
- What?
I don't know, but my house
is your house, all right?
All right, look, I bet you
need help finding a job.
You know what
I'm living off now?
The money I got back
from the wedding caterers.
Well, I have you a job
with one of L.A.'s hottest ad agencies.
Are you serious?
Vidiocity.
Wait, are you kidding? You got me a job?
Yeah.
- Scab, thank you.
- Don't worry about it.
Look, as soon as you
take care of this stuff,
we're going to set you
loose on about a billion
or so women that are
just dying to meet you.
How did you...
Whoa.
Skip, there's a naked girl
in your backyard.
- That's Mamegama.
- What?
Bush, man!
That's Irene. Wave.
- ( Knocking on window )
- Skip: Oh.
Hi.
See, the ad agency lets this
photographer do this every morning.
He does these layouts every single...
Is this going to bother you?
- Huh?
- Huh?
I don't believe this.
Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.
Eddie, look at me now.
I know you've been through this
serious trauma. All right?
I mean, I was dumped
by a chick once.
Well, maybe not, but...
Look, if anybody can make
you forget about Joanie,
I can. All right?
Come on. I want
to show you something.
Eddie, down boy.
Come on.
Whoa.
Nice car, huh?
Yeah.
You see, Eddie, in this town,
your car is everything, right?
You don't have a car,
you don't have a dick.
Now, since this is
your first car in L.A.,
we're going to start
you out with a small dick.
Ta-da.
Wow.
Here you go. Key.
- This is mine?
- Yep.
These go with it.
Skip.
On your way,
why don't you stop off,
check the oil,
give her some gas.
You gotta take care
of your dick. ( Laughs )
Skip?
I think I might
like living in L.A.
Who knows?
( Sputtering )
( Engine dies )
( Engine turning )
( Engine starts )
( Telephone ringing )
Woman:
Vidiocity, one moment.
Vidiocity, one moment.
( Telephone rings )
May I help you?
My name is Eddie Hayes.
I'm here to see Peter Newcomb?
There's a Mr. Hayes to see you.
Well, I don't know.
What's it about?
A job interview.
He's says it's a job interview.
Mm-hmm.
( Chuckles )
It's the last door on the right.
- Thank you.
- ( Chuckles )
( Whirring )
Well, I don't give a fuck
if he is in Palm Springs,
nobody shoots shit unless the prick
shows his ass to me in person.
( Snaps fingers )
Well, fuck him!
Bury him!
He'll never work in this town again.
Fine, fine.
Louisa?
My wife calls, I'm on the phone,
and hold my calls for 15 seconds.
So... what's this about a job?
Hi, I'm Ed Hayes.
My roommate Skip Dooley
called you about me?
Dooley?
Oh, yeah.
The kid who housesits for the
head of our London office.
That's right.
Got a resume?
I'm having new ones printed up.
What makes you think you can break
into the California market?
Well, I have a B.A.
in communications,
I'm dependable, I can really
handle responsibility,
and I like working with other people.
Really?
I don't see any previous experience here.
Yeah, well, I had a cable access show
called "Proud to be a Buckeye."
I have lots of tapes.
I could send you a sample if...
Look, kid, I hate to pop your weasel,
but we only hire heavyweight people
with credits in this town.
You might as well apply back in...
Akron.
To be perfectly honest with you,
I'm kind of low on funds,
and I'm willing to start anywhere.
I'll sweep up, I'll answer the phones.
What?
No.
Tell him I'm not in.
Well, lock the door.
How could you?
In my own house, in my own bed.
What am I to you, a pimp?
I'm with a client.
Well, excuse me,
but how would you like to come home
and find the gardener
tied to your bed?
( Chuckles )
You left grass stains.
You are such a child.
Child?
You're the child.
No, you're the child.
- You're the child.
- No, you're the child.
- No, you're the child.
- No, you're the child.
- This is mine.
- No, that's mine.
- I'm taking it.
- It's mine.
It's mine!
- Give me that.
- ( Snaps )
Now look what you've done.
And don't come over till
you've made this up to me.
Did I come at a bad time?
What kind of a job
were you looking for?
My brother needs some
help in advertising
down at the beach. Ahem.
- When can you start?
- Immediately.
Good.
And I'd prefer it if you
didn't mention...
You know.
Me? Mention?
No, I didn't see anything.
Thank you very much.
Welcome aboard.
- All right.
- Yeah.
( Guitar playing )
Invaders coming in
from another planet
Invaders coming in
from another world
Come in and look
for me on your planet
Invaders coming in
from another world
What you are is what you
get in Hollywood.
All right.
- Love will come.
- ( Picking guitar )
Did you see that guy?
What a weirdo.
Who's a weirdo?
That guy.
Um, never mind.
Listen, I'm looking
for a guy named Tony.
Do you know him?
Guy named Tony?
Yeah, guy named Tony.
Do you know him?
Hey, look, if you don't know who
the guy is, just say so, okay?
You like your finger?
Don't ever point
your finger at Tony.
Tony don't like fingers
pointed at him.
Wait a minute.
You're Tony?
Listen, why didn't you just
say so in the first place?
Why didn't you just say
so in the first place?
I don't believe this.
Your brother sent me down here.
He said that you had a job for me.
Do you have a job for me or not?
Oh, my brother.
( Laughing )
Here.
Hand these out to people on the beach.
Wait a minute.
The job is handing flyers out on the beach?
The job is handing flyers out on the beach?
Oh, man.
This is great.
Well, take it or leave it.
Well, I'm going
to take it, you know.
I'm going to need the money,
but... I don't know.
You just had me going there,
you know, in the beginning.
Anyway, I think if we're
going to work together,
we should be friends.
My name is Eddie. Hi.
Friends?
I'll tell you what a friend is.
A friend is a guy who leaves
you bleeding in the ditch
with bullets screaming
over your head.
Yeah. Yeah, that's what
a friend is, Eddie.
Yeah, I'm working with a
guy who lives in a box.
Sure.
Hi.
Thank you.
How you doin'?
Hi.
They have boogie boards and skateboards
and everything like that.
Oh!
God!
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
Listen, do you have a girlfriend?
Do I know you?
No, it's just that you look
like you could use a date.
Here's my card.
Video Valentine Dating Service?
Thanks a lot.
Well, you never know.
It's hard to meet new people in this town.
Cute guy like you.
Anyway, it's a money
back guarantee.
- How you doin'?
- Yeah.
Yeah, well, I'll think about it, all right?
Okay.
- Eddie.
- Skip.
Yeah.
Hi.
You're just the guy I need to see.
I need to talk to you, okay?
Why don't you two go get something to eat?
I gave you some money, right?
I'll catch up with you in a few minutes.
Who are they?
- Friends?
- Just some friends.
So, what's wrong?
Skip.
What is all this stuff
about a job in advertising?
You know what
the job is? Huh?
I'm handing out flyers
on the beach.
You got to start somewhere.
No. No. This is not a
start, this is ridiculous.
Look, Eddie, I know you majored
in advertising in college,
but see, this is a very
tough town to get a start in.
- Now, what are these?
- Flyers.
No, Eddie.
These are little stepping stones.
You're going to make
contacts with these.
These are your future, Eddie.
I think the smog went to your brain.
Eddie...
L.A. is not reality.
You see, it's just a state of mind.
The only way to be
successful in this town
is to pretend to be
somebody else. Right?
You make them think you're successful
and then you are successful.
It's selling the fantasy, Eddie.
( Chuckles )
It's like style over substance.
That's all it is.
Hey!
There's flyers to be flown!
Hey, Tony!
Hey, yourself.
This guy is very strange.
You know, I heard he was this
mind sweeper in Granada.
Whatever you do man,
don't point at him.
I know. I already found that out.
Oh, Eddie.
Eddie, come here.
Girls, this is my very cool cousin, Eddie.
- Hi.
- Hi.
He owns this building right here.
- Ohh.
- Yeah.
Excuse us.
Excuse us.
Now, Eddie, look,
the business at hand
is for you to go out and find
yourself a chick, right?
I mean, look, you were
engaged for about 3 months,
you're probably tired of slapping
the old puppy around, huh?
- I got to go.
- Look, Eddie. Eddie.
I want you to go out there,
I want you to find her,
I want you to beef her, and I want
you to make her beg for more.
- You are so sick.
- I know.
God.
( Music playing )
Ow
Hi.
Hi.
You live here?
Uh-huh.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- I just moved here.
- Oh, yeah? Where from?
Ohio.
Oh, really?
I'm from Ohio.
Whereabouts?
Akron.
( Laughing )
What?
Oh, nothing.
Well, seeing that I'm from Ohio
and that you're from Ohio
and that I'm new here,
you think maybe we could
get together sometime,
- you could show me around?
- You got to be kidding.
The reason I moved here is to
get away from guys from Ohio.
Tell me what's the word, word up
Everybody say...
You like to skate?
No.
I like to skate.
Good.
Oh, I love that book.
It's the greatest book.
You like it?
Yeah, it's good.
You know, I cried when the
son got killed at the end.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
I am so sorry.
Oh, I hate when people do that.
We can use it,
we need to dance
We don't have the time
for psychological romance
No romance, no romance..
Hi.
I love the ocean.
You know, it reminds me
of pirates and adventure.
- What does it remind you of?
- Toxic pollution.
You ever see a sperm whale
beach itself?
No.
( Gulls squawking )
Okay, that's nice, right in there.
Okay. Great.
Okay, Catherine, hop onto Brian's knee.
- ( Doorbell ringing )
- Yes, lean on his knee.
That's good. Run your
fingers through his hair.
Okay.
( Doorbell ringing )
- How you doin'?
- Hi.
- Edward Hayes?
- Yes.
Got a package for you.
Thanks.
Just sign here.
Sure.
Oh, by the way, would
you be interested
in signing our petition
for world peace?
Yeah, sure.
That's a $10 donation.
Really?
No, thanks.
What do you mean no thanks?
You don't get peace
without work, pal!
Skip!
It's people like you that make it
tough for the rest of the world!
It's jerks like you
that go spouting love
and freedom when you don't
want to pay for it!
World peace, you asshole!
Watch it, buddy!
Man:
Is it on? Is it on?
I think so.
Well, come on.
Can you hear us, honey?
Eddie?
Can you hear us?
- He can hear us.
- Hi, honey.
Mace, he can see us, too, all right?
Now, you're in the way.
Come home, son.
We don't want you
to live out there.
We want you to come home
where you belong.
Oh, may.
Shut up. Shut up.
You shut up.
Look, Ed...
Now we got to talk, all right?
Now, we understand
how difficult it's been
since Joanie dumped you,
but it's no reason for you
to throw away your life,
to move to California.
You got to settle down.
You got to get a real job.
Okay?
It... it... it... it's not
your fault she left you, dear.
She was never good
enough for you anyway.
Mace, Mace, Mace.
Never step in front of me.
Now, when I tell you to pack up
your bags and come home, you do it.
Do you hear what
I'm saying to you?
Now, California is not
a place for a man...
( Fast forwarding )
But look, I never forgot
the one thing.
The one thing, and that
is responsibility to my...
Mace. Please, Mace.
Son, this is
a warning to you now,
and it's the last one
I'm giving to you.
You get on a plane,
and you come home.
Mom!
What am I saying?
I'm talking to a television set.
You see what you do to me?
Receptionist:
Vidiocity, one moment.
Hi.
Ed Hayes.
I'm here to pick up my check.
Wait, wait.
Before you call, let me
ask you a question, okay?
If a guy like me were to ask
you out, would you say yes?
Well, I don't know.
You haven't asked me out.
Oh.
Okay.
Would you go out with me?
No.
Really? I'm going to go pick up my check.
I understand, forehead, you're an artist.
But, this isn't show art, it's show business.
Fuck you, too.
Your check's down there.
( Chuckles )
So, how's life at the beach
with my crazy brother?
Crazier than ever.
Look, when can I talk to
you about a promotion?
I'd like to start working up here.
You're going to have to wait
a little bit longer, Ed.
I'm afraid you haven't quite got
into the California spirit yet...
The way we do things out here.
Oh, yeah?
How long is that going to take?
Well, that depends on you, doesn't it?
Look, a couple of more months
and I'll get you on the books,
and then we'll see if we can't
get you in here somehow.
Until then, chill out.
( Toy car whirs )
Hello, my name's Abigail,
and I like camping,
long walks on the beach...
Excuse me, are you talking to me?
No.
Long walks on the beach,
and I don't eat red meat.
Hello, my name is Abigail,
and I like camping,
long walks on the beach, healthy...
Hello, my name is Abigail,
and I like camping, long
walks on the beach...
( Elevator bell rings )
And I like camping,
long walks on the beach,
surfers, and anything tubular.
( Chattering )
Hi.
Mr. Flyers.
Took you long enough to come in.
Hi, I'm Peggy Kellogg.
Hi, Peggy.
- Hi.
- Ed Hayes.
Now, I didn't actually come
in here to use the service.
Yeah, all the guys
who come in here say that.
It's okay.
So, how are you going
to find your perfect mate
unless you try, right?
Yeah.
What about you?
Do you ever date guys
from the dating service?
'Fraid it's against the rules, sorry.
But we do have a girl here
for you, believe me.
What kind are you looking for?
Uh, I don't know.
Someone I could settle down with.
Maybe get married, start a family.
No, I mean what type.
Tall? Short?
Plump? Skinny?
I don't know.
Normal, whatever.
Normal... hobbies?
Bicycling?
Skiing?
Scuba diving?
Dancing?
- Dancing.
- Dancing.
Okay.
Here are a couple sample tapes.
Take a look at them and see if
you wanna make one for yourself.
Listen, I just don't want
you to get the wrong idea.
It's not like I'm desperate or anything.
Who says you're desperate?
What have you got to lose?
No rejections.
They call you and tell
you if they want a date.
Okay.
I'll look at it.
Okay.
Viewing room's over there.
Okay.
Hi.
I'm Annie Lewis,
and I work at a health
agency so I'm very clean.
Um, I'm just looking for
an all-American kind of guy.
You know, like a doctor
or a lawyer.
Um, my mother wants me
to get somebody
who makes over $100,000 a year.
So, I'm very flexible.
I'm just looking to fall in love.
Hmm.
Hi.
Ahem.
Hi.
My name is Louise
Harland and, um...
I'm in my early 20s
and, um, I have a job.
I'm a legal secretary
and, um, uh...
I like men ( Chuckles )
And I like to go to amusement parks.
I really like it when the
roller coasters go up and down
and around and you scream
and you feel like you're going to fall.
( Fast forwarding )
Hello.
I'm a receptionist.
Well, I was until yesterday.
I got fire... well, I
didn't really get fired.
They kind of asked me
if I wanted to resign,
but, um, I didn't
like it anyway.
Well, anyway, I shouldn't
bring this into it.
My mother always
says I can't finish...
Well, forget about my mother.
I'm looking for
somebody that will help
me feel, um, fulfilled.
Not that I need a man
to make me feel complete.
But... well, if you want
to meet me, that's...
If you don't want to,
that's all right, too.
Hmm.
Are we in focus?
Are we in focus?
I don't think we're in focus.
Oh. Fine. There.
Now, listen, Hayes.
All you do is talk to the camera.
The camera is your girlfriend.
You want to impress your girlfriend.
You got it?
Mm-hmm.
Now, sit up straight and get a date.
Do I just talk to the lens?
You got it, babe.
Eyes straight, a little
chest hair showing.
And wipe that desperate
look off your face.
You want a date, so think sex.
You're trying to get
picked up, not arrested.
Okay.
Video Valentine, take one.
Relax, kid, straighten up.
Sex... and action.
Hi. What... I don't...
You want them to think you're a geek?
Speak up.
Tell them your name,
age, special interests.
Okay, hi.
My name is Eddie Hayes.
I'm 23 years old, and I
recently moved here from Ohio.
And I like to dance.
I like to go to the movies,
and, as a matter of
fact, I'm a director.
I direct commercials.
I do all sorts of commercials.
Did you ever see
the one with the car
that's coming over the hill
and the heat's rising?
That was mine.
I did that one.
I guess what I'm really looking
for is an attractive girl.
Someone who's in the arts,
who enjoys dressing up,
but also would like hot
dogs and French fries.
Um, how am I doin'?
Oh, peachy.
Cut, next.
( Beeps )
Woman:
Hi, Eddie, I saw your tape,
and I think you're really cute.
Would you like to go out with me?
And you comb your hair
Grab your coat and hat
And you walk wet streets
trying to remember
All the wild nights breezes
in your ever, ever
And everything is so complete
When you're walking
out on the street
And the wind catches
your feet
Sends you flyin', cryin'
Ooh, ooh, ooh, oohie
A wild night is callin'
Ooh, ooh, ooh, oohie
Eddie?
Madonna?
Yeah, well, it's really Glenda,
but my friends call me Madonna
because of the resemblance.
Can't you tell?
Yeah.
Well, this is
my daddy over here.
Daddy, this is Edmund.
He's the big movie director
I was telling you about
and, um, maybe he has a part for me.
Well, now I can't promise.
Oh, that's the phone.
I'll be right back. Okay?
You just stay right there, okay?
Be right back.
Okay.
How you doing, sir?
Your daughter seems very nice.
Sit down.
I love my daughter very much.
I got two words of advice for you.
Be careful.
You got raincoats?
Raincoats?
Profos,
dick wrappers, condoms.
It's our first date.
Be careful you don't get
your birdie excited.
My birdie?
Your weenie...
Your schmeckle,
your dick.
Careful you don't get
your birdie excited
and become a daddy.
You ain't going anywhere
if you're a daddy.
Nowhere but work.
You like to work?
I get up, I go to work.
I get up, I go to work.
I get up, I go to work.
I get up, I go to work.
Jesus!
You got to keep bobbin' and weavin'.
Bobbin' and weavin'. Bobbin' and weavin'.
Bobbin' and weavin' or life'll get ya.
Use 'em.
For a lot of reasons.
You may think I'm nuts.
I ain't nuts.
Life is nuts.
Come on, Eddie.
Be careful.
Come on, lets go.
Um, okay.
Ahem.
I really enjoyed...
Eddie.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
- I enjoyed our chat.
- Fuck you.
Come on, Eddie, let's go.
Bye, daddy.
We'll see you tomorrow.
Night, sir.
The lights are on
But you're not home
Your mind is not your own
Your heart sweats, your body shakes
Another kiss..
Eddie:
So, we were supposed to
shoot in Paris this weekend,
- but it was raining.
- Well, that's too bad.
Well, so what's it like being
a big movie director, huh?
Um, it's like any other job, you know?
Well, have you directed
anything that I've seen?
You know?
Uh, this and that.
You know what?
I don't want to talk about me.
I really want to talk about you.
I talk about the business
all day, you know?
Mm-hmm.
So, how long have you been
with the dating service?
Oh, almost a year.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I like it, because, you
know, you see some guy
that you think's really cute,
and you just pick him out of the
herd and, well, here we are.
( Chuckles )
So, do you like my breasts?
What?
I mean, an actress has
to have big ones, right?
Well, mine aren't so big.
But, you know, when I'm standing like this,
they're really tiny, but if I stand like that
and I hunch over, they're gargantuan.
Oh, god.
My daddy's such a weirdo.
Oh, god.
I mean, if he hadn't got me that job dancing,
I would have split long ago.
Oh, that's right, you're a dancer.
Yeah, well, you asked for somebody
in the performing arts, didn't you?
Well, I'm in showbiz.
And you meet so many people
at monster mansion...
Wait a minute.
You work at monster mansion?
Well, yeah.
I'm the dancing troll.
( Coughing )
Eddie?
Excuse me.
Eddie?
Are you okay?
Here, here.
Let me help you.
( Coughing )
Oh. Oh, are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Thank you.
I'm sorry. It must have gone, you know...
That's okay.
I do the heimlich all the time.
Are you sure you're okay?
So, are you going to audition me, or what?
Hmm?
Whoa. I...
( Both moaning )
What?
I just thought maybe we'd get to
know each other first, that's all.
Well, I want to know you.
- Really?
- I do.
- Might as well face it,
- ( Horn honks )
- You're addicted to love
- Oh! ( Laughs )
( Moaning )
You're addicted to love
You're addicted to love
Might as well face it,
you're addicted to love..
Glenda:
Oh, yes! Yes!
( Moaning )
Eddie:
Why? What am I doing?
Nothing. Let's just pretend
like we're doing it, okay?
Oh! Right like that.
Right like that.
- Oh, don't move!
- Ow! Ow!
Please don't move!
Don't breathe!
Wait, wait, wait.
I think I have something with my leg.
- Oh, no.
- I think I have a charley horse.
- No!
- Yeah!
Oh, god!
Oh, yes! Yes!
( Screaming )
Might as well face it
you're addicted to love
( Breathing heavily )
Oh, god.
Oh, that was good.
Oh, god.
Oh. Was it good for you, too?
But we didn't do anything.
Right.
That's why they call it safe sex.
But yet...
Look, I've got a date later on.
So maybe we better get going.
Oh, my god.
Do you know what time it is?
You know what?
I have to be on the set
first thing in the morning.
Oh, that reminds me.
Hold on just a second.
Here, my 8x10 and if
you can ever use me,
even in the tiny,
tiny, tiny little part,
I'd really appreciate it, okay?
Thanks.
It's closer to the truth
to say you can't get enough
You know you're going
to have to face it
You're addicted to love
So, you went out with the dancing troll?
Just trying to find a girl, that's all.
Sounds pretty squirrelly to me, Ed.
Look, it seems like the
only way I can get women
to notice me is if make up
who they want me to be.
So, one date I'm a director,
the next date,
be a rock and roller.
( Chuckles )
Um, maybe one date I'll be a...
Sleazebag pervert?
Boogie boards,
skateboards...
I'm really bored.
Yo, skate city.
Yo, skateboards.
Yo.
Whoa.
Eddie, how are you?
I'm all right, how are you?
Pretty good.
How you doin'?
Yeah, hi.
See you in a minute.
Okay.
So, how's the big life
of a movie director.
Is this the part where the car
comes over the hill?
I'm sorry.
I'm just kidding.
So, how'd your date go?
My date was miserable.
I'm sorry to hear that.
You went out with the one
from monster mansion, right?
Mm-hmm.
Well, first dates are
always the worst.
Come on, Eddie. There's a lot
of girls at the dating service.
Just come in and be yourself.
Oh, yeah.
That's really easy for you to say
with Mr. Tubular standing
over there as your boyfriend.
Maybe if I knew how
to surf, I'd get lucky.
He's not a surfer, he's a lifeguard.
Yo, paton. Come on!
I haven't got all day.
Anyway, I got to go.
So, are we going to see you again?
I don't know.
Maybe I'll come in as a surfer.
That would be funny.
We'll see you on tape.
Ciao.
Bye.
We in focus, honey?
Yes, Ms. Frigget.
So, you got a troll, huh?
Too bad.
It's 'cause you're comin' off like a wimp.
Chest up.
Chin in.
Flex those pecs.
How's this?
You look constipated.
Oh, just be yourself, and...
Wait. Excuse me. Do
I have to pay again?
Of course you got to pay.
Nothing in this life is free.
I got to live, I got to eat.
Action.
Hey, baby, how's it goin'?
Ed's the name, rock 'n' roll's the game.
Check it out.
Now, listen, life is a series of risks
and you are about to take the
ultimate risk by going out with me.
Now, I'm not talking about
a heavy commitment.
I'm just talking about an illin'
babe that I can take home to mom.
Check it out.
Can you dig it?
Yeah.
I loved your video.
Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
Are you really in a rock 'n' roll band?
Yes.
Um, as a matter of fact,
I just came from the studio.
We jut laid down some tracks.
And, um, anyway, what do you do?
I do performance art.
Haven't you ever heard
of Rhonda Midnight?
Yes.
I do recall.
Well, actually, I'm in
the middle of a piece
called the mating ritual.
Do you want to be in it?
You mean now?
Well, not now. Later.
Now, I'm going to take
you to the Scag Club.
It's very hot, dark, smoky,
and we could hold hands under the table.
And I can press my hot
lips against your lips.
But first, we have to dress you up.
Dress me up?
( Gibberish singing )
Good, huh?
Oh, yeah.
He's great.
Eeeee
Ha ha ha ha!
I kind of just feel a little
out of place in there.
You know?
The next guy seemed better.
Really?
This guy we saw is good,
but the next guy...
Wait, wait.
Skip! Skip!
Come here!
Skip!
It's me, Eddie.
Eddie?
Yes!
Oh, no.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is Rhonda Midnight.
Rhonda, this is my roommate,
Skip, and this is... Rene.
Veronica.
Oh, my god, Barry.
That's my analyst over there.
That's Barry.
I'll be back in a minute.
- Barry?
- What are you doing?
Barry.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Did she do this to you?
Yeah, I'm on one
of those video dates.
She thought it'd be fun if we got
dressed up, you know, went out.
So, you just let her
do it, right?
You let her put on
the wig, the earrings,
and these funny looking clothes
and go anywhere, right?
Eddie, look, it's okay to pretend
to be somebody else, right?
Just as long as that somebody
else is cooler than you.
I got to go, man.
You going to be all right?
I'm fine.
- All right.
- See ya.
Bye.
- He's good, huh?
- Yeah.
How you doin'?
All right.
Care to, uh, partake, man?
Oh, gee, no thanks.
Come on, dude.
Here. Just one.
Ooh!
It's spring again
Rhonda:
Eddie, wake up. Wake up.
It's time to wake up.
Are you okay?
Uh, uh, yeah.
I feel like someone tried
to jumpstart my heart.
I know.
I feel like this is all my fault.
I can't seem to meet a normal guy.
Now, I meet you and I
feel like I've blown it.
No, you didn't blow it.
I'm just trying to find a normal girl.
I'm not exactly normal, though.
I mean, I'm looking for a girl
that I can settle down with,
you know, maybe a couple of kids.
That's really easy for you to say, isn't it?
You don't have to carry children.
No, that's not what I meant.
No, I know exactly what you meant.
You want some poor woman to lug
around your kid for 9 months.
Do you have any idea what
it's like to be pregnant?
No.
You expect us women to wash,
cook, and clean for you,
then spend all night having
sex like crazed monkeys.
No.
That's not fair.
That's not fair?
I'll tell you what's not fair.
What's not fair is this whole
idea of the mating ritual.
That a woman of my quality
has to stoop as low
as going to a dating service
to get a date,
while men like you pick and choose
which ones you're going to marry?
I mean, what is it?
You think women are like animals
just waiting around for men
like you to show us domination?
'Cause I can show you
something about domination.
Wait a minute.
What are these things
doing on my feet?
Why are these cameras on?
This is the mating ritual,
and you are my mate.
No!
What are you doing!?
Lady!
Leaving so soon?
Ha ha ha!
Now, Chuck, try to be diplomatic.
Diplomatic?
If I tell my son it's day and
it's night, then it's day.
Mace, you shut up.
Now just shut up.
Don't tell me to shut up.
Shut up, Macie.
Ohh, shit!
Get up, get up, get up!
( Doorbell ringing )
Get up quick!
My parents are here.
Get up!
What?
- My parents.
- What about 'em?
They're here.
The girls.
Well, they can't have 'em,
they're mine, now get out of here.
Oh, my god!
Eddie?
Is that you?
Okay.
Ah!
Aah!
Eddie?
Mom, dad.
How the hell are you?
Ed.
What the hell's going on here?
Whose place is this?
This place? Oh, it's Skip's.
He's house-sitting for this guy.
Son, why do you have
a towel on your head?
Towel?
Oh. Well, I just took a shower,
so I'm going to go
finish drying off, okay?
Excuse me.
Whew.
Ah!
Eddie.
Eddie, honey?
Did you say something?
No, mom. I'm just
going to take a shower.
Didn't you just take a shower?
Um, yeah, but it gets
really dirty in L.A.
So, I'll be right out, okay?
Who is that?
My mother, shh.
Shh.
Wait, wait...
Go that way.
Go that way.
Shh. Be cool.
Okay? Please.
- Photographer: Right.
- ( Dishes clank )
That's nice, very nice.
Okay. Ooh, beautiful.
Salute again, please.
Oh, love it, love it. Ooh!
Dear, I think we better wait
for him back at the motel.
Come on.
There it is.
Thanks.
Mom, dad, what's wrong?
You're coming home.
What? That?
I can explain that.
This isn't mine.
It's Skip's.
- Where is Skip?
- He's out of town.
Then, who was that girl?
What girl?
That girl.
That's Skip's fiancee.
And what about the naked
girl in the backyard?
Right.
What naked girl?
I can explain everything.
Why don't you just
go back to the hotel
and I'll come over.
Son.
Son, you've got to stop
sowing wild oats.
Darling, forget about Joanie.
You'll get over that.
Look, you're on the next plane
back to Ohio, young man.
No, dad.
Baby. Baby, come home and live with us.
Your daddy will give you your job back.
Uh, what's that?
Chuck, your son is wearing an earring.
- Oh.
- Ouch.
That is the last straw.
Dad, come on.
Uncle Chuck, aunt Macie,
welcome to Skip Dooley's
practical jokes, blunders,
and cockamamie gimmicks.
I just have to say this,
but I think in the history of this show,
that was one of the best
practical jokes we pulled off.
What the...
No, uncle Chuck, the camera's right
over there behind the mirror.
Now, why don't you two
come on over here
right next to me and say hello
to the television audience.
Come on.
Speak right up.
Oh, you're kidding.
No.
What are you talking...
You mean, this is really...
You mean we're on television?
That's right.
You're kidding.
No, you see, I told
Edward not to tell you
about my new cable show.
The show that puts
everyday ordinary people
into extraordinary situations.
Macie:
That's amazing.
Say hi.
Say hi, uncle Chuck.
- Hi.
- ( Chuckling )
Hello, we're from Ohio.
Come on now, you're kidding.
Ed, you never told us
you worked in TV.
The producers wouldn't let me.
Ohh. Ohh.
Oh, now I get it.
All right, guys, that's a wrap.
Thanks.
You guys were just so good.
Couldn't believe it.
Mom, dad, listen, we'll
go out to dinner later.
Okay? So, why don't you
go home, get some rest...
( Chattering )
Good-bye!
Thanks, mom.
Come on, Mace, he's a busy man.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
You didn't fool me for a minute.
Right, bye, dad.
I can't believe that just worked.
What is it we sell?
The fantasy.
Uh, excuse me, hi.
I'm looking for a girl named Monique.
Eddie.
I was just wondering
when you'd get here.
You're Monique.
I just loved your videotape.
Which one?
The one where you talk about how much
you like racing fast cars and women.
Uh, right, yeah.
Anyway, listen.
I have a slight problem.
My parents just came into town
and I have to go out with them,
so, I'm afraid I'm going
to have to break our date.
Why?
Are you afraid I would embarrass you?
No.
No, it's not that at all.
It's just that, you know,
they just came into town,
and I have to have dinner with them.
So, where are you having dinner?
Croquet's.
I love that place.
I'll call Peno right now
and get us the best table, all right?
Yeah, sure.
If you want to do that, that'd be great.
- They'll love it.
- Yeah?
Believe me.
And I'll love it even more.
So, wait here, handsome.
Hmm. ( Chuckles )
How cute.
It looks just like a small penis.
( Chuckles )
If you rub up against it,
it'll turn into a big Cadillac.
- Good evening.
- Ah.
I'm Richard, your waiter.
I'm going to explain
this evening's menu to you.
Please don't interrupt.
As an appetizer, we have
duck sausage on a pizza
with salmon roe and tomatoes
that have been dried
in the Napa Valley sun.
Duck pizza?
Uh-uh. I asked you
not to interrupt.
Please save your questions
until I'm finished, all right?
Thank you.
Then we have the pitage de fiddle fern.
A fern that is organically grown
and clipped alive from the
evergreens in Colorado.
What's that?
Fiddle fern soup?
( Laughs )
Dad.
You're embarrassing me.
And for the main entree,
we have grilled, free-range chickens.
That means they have been raised
in a stress-free environment,
without fences or any loud noises.
What the hell is he talking about?
They got gay chickens out here?
Shh.
Stress-free chickens, dear.
Sorry.
Richard, could we have a
bottle of your best champagne?
It'll be a pleasure, madame.
Make it two bottles.
- Of course.
- Thank you.
Well, tell us about yourself, Monique.
I'm what you call your
typical Beverly Hills girl.
You know, I grew up on the
left bank and Rodeo Drive
and Eddie is just so continental,
so, savoir faire,
that I just could not resist him.
Our Eddie?
Dad, your mouth is full.
Sorry.
You know, I just love a guy
who knows how to race fast cars
and climb mountains.
Are you talking about him?
Mom.
You know about my hobbies.
Oh, your hobbies.
Oh!
I could go on and on
about Eddie's science
project in high school.
Did he tell you that he won first prize
at the Patawatabe county fair?
He grew the biggest ear
of corn in the state.
I believe it.
Ooh!
( Coughs )
Oh, man.
( Laughs )
I had a bit of an accident.
I'm sorry. Could you excuse me a second?
I'm going to run to the bathroom.
Excuse me.
You can't believe what
just happened out there.
I don't know what I'm
going to say, I mean...
Monique, you're not
supposed to be in here.
Why not?
Because it's the men's room,
and those are my parents out there.
What do you think you're doing?
But that's what makes it fun.
The thrill of doing it in front of others.
I thought you liked thrills.
I do, but I thought we were
going to go out and have dinner
and then maybe fumble
with our clothes later.
Oh, just an old-fashioned.
How cute.
( Moaning )
( Man coughing )
Oh.
We were just leaving.
Come on. Let's go.
We got to go.
I'm sorry.
She wasn't feeling well.
I had to take care of her.
Mom. Monique.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Have fun.
- See you later.
( Warbles )
- Thank you.
- Always a kidder.
Bye, mom, bye, dad.
( Tires screech )
You know what?
What?
I get the feeling that we're
not supposed to be here.
Don't be silly.
I practically live here.
Would you mind doing me
a teensy weensy favor?
Uh-oh.
What?
Would you mind putting this on?
( Chuckles )
That's very funny.
Pretty please?
Are you serious?
It really turns me on.
Really turns me on.
Well, if it turns you on...
It turns me on.
( Breathing )
Monique?
Monique?
I'm over here.
( Hums "Jaws" theme )
( Laughing )
( Sighs )
I feel like I'm going deep sea fishing.
You are.
Yeah?
( Moaning )
Harry, look at this.
Oh, my god.
Fuck me.
Fuck me.
What's going on?
What are they selling?
( Moaning )
Fuck me.
Okay.
Ready?
( Crowd gasps )
( Man chuckles )
Aah!
( Chattering )
Where did I go wrong?
Mom, I'm so sorry.
It's not your fault.
My son, having sex in front of 1,000 people.
It was six, tops.
Chuck, it's all your fault.
If you hadn't let him come
out here to get corrupted.
In fact, if your mother
were alive today
to see what you have
done to her grandson...
Oh, shut up.
Let's just get the hell out of here.
You shut up.
And don't you ever tell
me to shut up again.
Never, as long as you live.
And you...
You just wait until I tell my sister
back in Cleveland how
you're living out here.
It's disgusting.
Have a nice trip, aunt Macie.
Mace, just get in the car.
Dad.
( Chuckles )
Shh, shh, shh.
Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.
It'll all blow over, okay?
Just give her a couple of weeks.
I'll handle it.
Hmm? Hmm?
Okay, dad.
I love you.
I love you.
Sucker.
Mom, I'll call you tomorrow, okay?
( Engine starts )
See you, Chuck.
Okay?
Skip:
You know, Eddie, you're
really depressing me.
Eddie:
This has been the most
embarrassing night of my life.
Okay, look, but I got a plan, okay?
See, your ad agency
is throwing a party
this weekend at the house.
What? Our house?
That's right, our house.
You see, every time these big
honchos from out of town come in,
they throw this party,
so what I want you to do is,
you get one of these video chicks,
you bring her to the party,
you impress the shit out of her,
and then maybe you'll get laid,
and it might even be in a bed.
Hi.
Well, if it isn't Romeo again.
It's 2:30.
You're an hour late.
I know, I had a rough night.
What happened?
Her husband come home too early?
I'm sorry.
I'll let her know you're here.
Video Valentine, take 429. Rolling.
Action.
Hello, allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Edward Hayes III,
I am looking for a young,
urban, professional woman
who isn't into one night flings,
who would enjoy eating white wine
and brie while we watch a Polo match.
Or perhaps a drive in my
Jaguar, or maybe yours,
and then,
as we're standing
of the bow on my yacht,
I'll turn to you and say.
Voulez, voulez vu de voulez, vu?
( Playing "La Cucaracha" )
( Chattering )
It's a little bit different.
I'm just going to go
touch up my makeup.
I'll be back in a minute, okay?
Okay.
Whoa, look at you.
Nice going, man. She's beautiful.
Thank you.
Yeah, she's really great.
You keep your hands off her, okay?
What am I going to do?
Try to pick up your girl?
I'm your cousin, man.
I wouldn't do that.
Listen, she's nice.
She likes me.
Look, I think this is your night.
Why?
There's some very important
people here from Vidiocity,
especially the head
of the New York office,
Kelly Bones.
- You have to talk to her, it's very important.
- All right.
As soon as she gets here, I'm going
to point her out to you, okay?
Yeah.
- See you later man, have fun.
- All right, Skip.
Oh, my god.
Peggy.
Peggy?
How are you doing?
What are you doing here?
Well, if it isn't Don Juan.
What are you doing here?
Me? Well, I happen to live here.
Sure, just like the movie
studio and the rock band.
I know, I know.
But it's true.
I live here.
I happen to know that an
advertising agency owns this place
and they rent it out to my
friend Jeff for photo sessions.
- Really?
- Yeah.
He's a friend of yours?
- Yeah.
- Well, I know.
They do some work here, but I live here.
I don't know whether
to believe you or not.
Well..
I guess it doesn't matter.
No.
You want to get a drink?
Anyway, weren't you
here with someone?
Hmm?
Yeah, I am
and she happens
to be my perfect match.
She's not perfect.
She is going out with you.
Just kidding.
So, I guess you won't be
coming in anymore.
- No, I guess not.
- Too bad.
I was starting to look
forward to your tapes.
God knows why.
Well, I was starting to look forward
to our little discussions.
God knows why.
Well, you found Ms. Right.
( Chuckles )
But you found Mr. Right.
So, why are you sitting here with me?
Because I like the way the chive's
stuck between your teeth.
No.
I'm just kidding.
Eddie. She's here.
Hmm?
Oh... Skip, Peggy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Okay.
I'll be right there.
- Come on.
- Okay, okay. Thanks.
Well.
Bye.
Bye.
What do you do?
I'm an actor/psychic.
Really? So am I.
Both:
I should have known that.
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly.
( Laughing )
Kelly:
Well, it's not as if Jack
doesn't have my number.
It was his idea to have dinner.
I'll call him, I'll talk to him.
- I'll bury him.
- ( Both chuckle )
Did you see the look on their faces
when you sold them on
coupons for the blind?
( Laughs )
What a concept.
Concepts, Newcomb, are everything.
If you don't have a concept,
you don't have a product.
Hi.
Who are you?
Hayes.
What are you doing here?
I live here.
Ms. Bones, Ed Hayes, I work for you.
You do?
Yeah, as a matter of fact,
I'm in charge of alternate media.
Newcomb, tell you about that?
No, he didn't.
You little rascal.
What's this all about?
Uh, he's in, uh...
Handbills and flyers.
This is my wife, Betty.
Hi.
How do you do?
Excuse me.
Yes.
Ms. Bones?
I'm going after
the MTV generation.
Now, that's like the zero generation,
just a bit more yuppie.
Mm-hmm.
Well, you seem to know
a lot about advertising.
What other firms
have you been with?
Well.
In Cleveland I was
with a very small firm.
You've probably never heard of them.
Oh, sure I have.
No, they were very small.
Well, was it Pinky and Chico?
Hmm? Yeah.
That's it.
Pinky and Chico.
Huh.
I was the head of
their youth department.
Nice try, kid.
Pinky and Chico are my dogs.
Oh, don't worry, I like a man who lies.
But just not to me.
Newcomb...
Promote this kid.
I want to see him in the staff
meeting Monday morning.
( Stammers )
But... Kelly.
Don't but me, Newcomb, just do it.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Don't thank me, Ed, just be there.
Yes, ma'am.
Hayes, you little twerp.
Chill out.
Okay. Half-hour.
All right, bye.
There you are.
I've been looking
all over for you.
Yeah?
Well, I've been making a
little bullshit go a long way.
No kidding?
Um, let me talk to her a second.
I'll be right there, okay?
Okay.
Okay, bye.
You leaving?
Yeah.
Well, I was hoping
maybe we could talk,
you know, a little bit more.
With who?
Mr. Multiple Personalities?
Are you talking about
what happened in there?
Okay.
I didn't want to lie to that lady,
but it just goes to
show that sometimes
it's better not to tell
the whole truth.
Look, Eddie,
it really was nice talking to you,
bu you got a girl, remember?
Come on, Peggy, let's go.
Well, you better get going.
You don't want to keep your
boyfriend waiting, do you?
No.
I don't.
Bye.
Sorry.
I'm sorry about that.
Who was that?
Oh, it was just this girl who was
just bothering me all night.
Why don't you take me
on a tour of the house?
Tour of the house?
I'd like that.
Are you talking about Rick?
The one with the curved weenie?
Curved?
That thing goes around
corners before he does.
I haven't been able
to walk straight for a week.
( Laughs )
I'm going to go put this on.
I'll be back in a minute, okay?
Okay.
So, I'm off the coast of Jamaica, right?
I'm in this cigarette boat,
I don't realize how
badly wounded I am.
I'm going 150 miles
an hour on the water.
I'm just slamming
into the waves,
I'm, like, plunging into
darkness, you know?
There's foam... it's spraying
all over my chest and down.
You're the one I dream of
when I go to sleep at night
You're fun to be with...
Well, what do you think?
Unbelievable.
Does the name Penod
mean anything to you?
Yes.
That was my name in a previous life.
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god.
Sylvia?
Penod, what happened to you?
You went out for a bundle of
sticks, you never came back.
Sylvia, it rained for 40
days and 40 nights, okay?
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Wait. Wait.
What?
I'm not the guy in the video tape.
I mean, I am the guy, it was me,
but that's not me because
I don't have any money,
and I don't have a Jaguar,
and I don't have a yacht.
I don't even eat brie. I hate brie.
Look, I just want you to like me for me.
I do.
I like a man who's honest.
Kiss me.
( Moaning )
Man:
See that dog over there?
You mean Spuds MacKenzie,
the party animal?
That's not Spuds MacKenzie.
That's his look-alike.
- That's the kinda bullshit that goes down in this town.
- I'll say.
Look at him, working the room.
( Moans )
Tracey.
Man:
Tracey?
( Tracey moaning )
Ahem!
Excuse me, Buckwheat.
- ( Chuckles )
- Do you know this guy?
Grow up, Sparky.
At least he didn't stand me
up three nights in a row.
Uh-oh.
Don't ever talk to me like that again.
Don't flex your muscles around
here, we're not impressed.
I'm impressed.
You're history, pally.
The party's over.
Oh, grow up.
You're such a child.
I'll be back for your lesson in a minute.
Let's go, knuckle beat.
Yes, sparky.
Come on, get out.
Eddie: ( Grunting )
Please!
You having fun yet?
( Grunting )
Oh!
Oh, man.
Well, that must hurt.
Guess it wasn't your
night after all. Huh?
You know, I got some bad
news this morning.
Your mom called my mom.
No more trust fund,
no more checks,
no more credit cards.
You mean with your winning smile
and your "hey, dude" attitude,
you couldn't bullshit
your parents anymore?
( Laughs )
Hey, man, why don't you
ease up here a little? Okay?
I mean, my chicks have run off
with some producer at the party last night.
Well, someone must have come
along with a better line of B.S.
So much for your style
over substance.
Now what are you going to do?
I don't know.
I have never been this
close to reality before.
I'll do something though.
I'm going to come up with some scam.
I don't know, but...
You got any ideas?
- Huh?
- Yeah.
Maybe you could get off your ass
and do something
constructive with your life
instead of walking around
pretending to be something
you're not and acting
like such an asshole.
That's a wrong answer.
That is a wrong answer
from you, Eddie.
I don't need this shit.
You know that?
I grow exotic herbs in Oregon,
and I'm looking for a
special girl, you know,
like the kind of girl who
can rebuild a carburetor...
I like old movies...
Into French cuisine, Greek culture,
and water sports, if you know what I mean.
...just like a little wisp of pubic hair.
I like a girl with a big ego.
Oh, yeah, and bodybuilding.
Bodybuilding?
Yeah, yeah. Well, I've won
a couple of contests.
What?
Mr. Pacoima.
More like Mr. Potato Head.
Receptionist:
Hi. Can I help you?
Woman: Uh, yes, I had this video
made, and unfortunately...
Eddie.
What happened?
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I just had a little on-the-job accident.
Eddie.
Something I kind of wanted
to talk to you about.
What?
It's about, um, me and my lifeguard.
Peggy, tell me.
No, never mind.
It's nothing.
I got to go.
I'll talk to you later, okay?
Yeah, sure.
What happened to you?
Hang gliding.
Next time you ought to hang
on to the glider. ( Laughs )
Hang on to the glider.
Hey, what are they filming
train wrecks here now?
Hey. Keep it down out here.
I can't hear myself breathe.
Well, if it isn't little Romeo.
Yes, ma'am.
It's my last time.
Oh, well, it's lucky you came by today
because we're closed tomorrow
in honor of the great
occasion, right, Peggy?
Right.
Aw, what the hell,
you've paid your dues, kid.
You go next.
- Wait a minute.
- I've been here...
Hey!
Or she'll bail you out of jail.
Cut. Time's up.
Ha ha.
I think we have all
we need, Mr. Kaminsky.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Now, if this is your last visit, Ed,
it's your last chance for romance.
So, let's be up and sexy.
No one ever got
a date by being a dud.
Are you a dud?
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
That a boy.
Of course not.
Action.
Look.
I just have one thing I want
to say to you women out there.
Whatever happened to
old-fashioned romance?
I mean, it used to be
two people could meet,
maybe they'd fall in love,
but now that can't happen,
'cause nobody knows
who they are anymore.
So, what is it, is it me?
I don't know.
Hey, wake up out there,
I'm talking to you.
Listen, why do people have to make up
who they are in order to be liked?
You would think that
in this crazy world,
there'd be a simple way
for two people to meet
and fall in love, but no,
that's not possible,
because in order to get ahead
you have to make up
some cockamamie persona.
Why can't we get past what
kind of cars we drive
and what we look like and
what kind of jobs we have?
That stuff isn't important.
Listen, it seems to me that the reason
why there's so many single people
in the world is because nobody wants
to open their hearts anymore.
Look, everyone has
the right to fall in love,
and I just don't think
you should have to make up
who you are in order to do it.
That's it.
I give up.
Beautiful, kid.
That'll be 60 bucks.
Whoa.
Unbelievable.
Hey, Tony.
You're late!
I know, I know, I know.
It's... I don't know, man,
I don't think I'm going to
be working here anymore.
I think I'm going to head out of town.
I'm out of here.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, right?
So, where you goin'?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I just don't think L.A.'s for me. You know?
Probably go home for a little while.
See what's going on.
At least I understand the people there.
Can I ask you a question?
How come you live in that box?
Come here, I'll show you something.
Wow.
See, everybody lives in a box, Eddie.
Now, nobody envies me,
I have everything I need,
and I make a lot of money on the side
copywriting for my brother.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Now, I heard that you used
to sweep mines in Granada.
Yeah. Well, I made that up.
See, in this town you can make
up whoever you want to be.
I heard that.
See, my problem is,
what do you do when you don't
know who you want to be?
Well, it seems to me
if you just keep on the road
you're on, you'll find out.
Look, I'm gonna go, okay?
My brother called.
He wants to know if you're going
to be at that Monday meeting.
You want to work for them?
Monday meeting, really?
I don't know.
I kind of got in under false pretenses.
You know?
There's nothing wrong with false pretenses
as long as you know the difference.
You could be right.
Send me a card.
All right, I'll think about it.
See you later, Tony.
So long, kid.
Yeah, what do you think?
You look great, man.
Why are you dressed up?
Well, you see, I thought
about what you said,
and I got a job.
Job?
( Laughs )
Yeah.
You got a job?
Yeah.
I'm driving a limo, man, it is so big, man.
The possibilities are endless.
Well, I'm proud of you, man.
What are you doing here, man?
I'm going home.
L.A. is not for me, so...
Wait, wait.
Are you crazy?
Have you listened to the phone machine?
No. Why?
You got about 100 calls from chicks.
You got to... come here.
This phone has been
ringing off the hook.
I mean, I don't know what you
did at that video service,
but whatever you did, it worked.
Listen.
Woman:
Hello, Eddie?
I just saw your tape,
and you are the most sexy
and honest guy I have ever seen.
Call me, Donna K05-2021.
( Beeps )
Woman:
Hi there, I was just on the dating service,
and I just saw your tape.
You know, nobody has
ever affected me that way
in my life before.
You are so incredibly sensuous.
I hope you call me because
I can touch your heart
just the way you touched...
( Beeps )
That's great, but it doesn't really matter,
'cause I'm out of here.
Wait, wait, wait.
Don't give up here, man,
because Peggy Kellogg called.
Remember her?
The party?
Listen.
( Rewinding )
( Beep )
Peggy: Hi. This is Peggy Kellogg.
Um, I've never done this before,
but I just wanted to call you
and tell you I really
admired what you said.
I'm sorry I misjudged you.
I really wish I had known
that part of you before,
because I really like you.
Anyway, I wish things
had turned out differently between us.
Bye.
( Beeps )
Yeah.
Oh, my god.
What a jerk.
She doesn't sound like a jerk.
No, man. Not her, me.
I got to talk to her.
I got to talk to her right now.
So, what's stopping you?
So, so, what do I do?
We talk to her.
We find her.
You need a limo?
I need love, love, to ease my mind
And I need to find time
Someone to call mine
My mama said, you can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take
You can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
Just trust in the good time
No matter how long it takes..
Huh?
Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah?
Hi. What do you know
about this wedding?
What's to know?
Some lady who works at the
service is getting married.
Who?
I don't know.
Marry?
Gee.
Peggy can't marry that
guy, that's not right.
I got to stop her.
Thank you.
It's a game of give and take
How long must I wait
How much more must I take
Before loneliness will 'cause my heart
Heart to break
No, I can't bear to live my life alone
I've grown impatient for
a love to call my own
But when I feel that I
I can't go on
Well, these precious
words keep me hanging on
I remember mama said
You can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
Well, it's a game of give and take
You can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
Just trust in a good time
No matter how long it takes
Now break!
Is this it?
Now love, love, it don't come easy
But I keep on waiting
Anticipating for that soft voice
To talk to me at night..
What are you going to say to her?
I don't know, man.
You got to think of something.
I mean, it's just impossible to...
Hi, how are you doing?
Wait! What are you going to say?
I don't know!
My mama said you can't hurry love
Come on, open up!
Please?
Oh!
Shh, what's the problem?
I'm sorry, I'm late.
We're with the limo company.
I'm with him.
( Organ playing wedding march )
Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait!
All right. Um...
( Mumbling )
Go back, go back, go back, go back.
Eddie, what are you doing?
I know, I know, I'm really sorry.
Um, listen, I've got to talk
to you for a second, Peggy.
I have been thinking
about your message
and I have been such a jerk,
and if you're marrying this guy
for any other reason than love,
you're making a mistake,
and I know 'cause I almost did it.
Yeah.
I am really sorry.
I am. I don't know what to do.
I want to go out with her.
Okay. Fine.
Go ahead.
What?
Eddie, I lied to you.
He's not my boyfriend,
he's my brother.
I sort of made that up.
You know, working in
a dating service and all,
but I'm not getting married.
She is.
Hi, kid.
Oh, my god.
I am so embarrassed.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Um, um...
Listen, I know this is not the right place.
You know...
Would you go out with me?
I don't know.
Which Eddie would I be going out with?
Me. This one.
Took you long enough to ask.
I'd love to go out with you.
Really?
Kiss her.
Kiss her.
Oh.
Crowd:
Aw.
I watched you walk into the room
I want to say this just right
If you're not waitin'
for somebody special
Would you be with me tonight?
I'm a doctor, I'm a lawyer
I'm a movie star
I'm an astronaut, and I own this bar
And I'd lie to you for your love
Yes, I'd lie to you for your love
Oh, I'd lie to you for your love
That's the truth
I can tell you what you wanna hear
And some secrets about myself
I can tell you you're
the only one, baby
There'll never be nobody else
I'm runnin' for president
I got money to burn
My heart don't ache and
my body don't yearn
And I'd lie to you for your love
Oh, I'd lie to you for your love
Yes, I'd lie to you for you love
And that's the truth
Maybe it would be easier
Just to come out and say it
I've never seen anyone
Quite like you
My family comes from royalty
On my daddy's side
I can read your palms and cards
And tell you, our love
just can't be denied
I'm a doctor, I'm a
lawyer, I'm a movie star
I'm an astronaut, and I own this bar
And I'd lie to you for your love
I'd lie to you for your love
Yes, I'd lie to you for your love
Lie, lie, lie, lie
Lie, lie, lie, lie
Lie, lie, lie, lie
And that's the truth
Oh, that's the truth
Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie
Lie, lie, lie to you
Oh, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie
Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie
Lie, lie, lie to you
Oh, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie
Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie
Lie, lie, lie to you
Oh, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie
Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie
Lie, lie, lie to you
Oh, lie to you, lie to you, lie to you
Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie
And that's the truth