Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Get up Zack.
Come on, I don't wanna be late from work.
- Get out!
- Jesus, why not close
the fucking door if you're gonna take a shit?
- It was closed!
- No, it was closed over, it was not closed.
-Shut the fucking door!
- Okay, okay.
- What's that thing?
- It's a hand warmer.
We're going now.
Do you smell that? Is that the car?
- Oh, God.
- What?
-Oh, no.
- What?
-What?
- It's stuck in my balls.
What's happening?
-Pull over, pull over.
- Okay, alright!
Oh fuck.
I think I burned my ball hair off.
It's not funny.
Can you help me pick out
an outfit for tonight?
I'm working till six.
Well, I can try stuff on at the store.
The store? No, how about instead
you get a friend?
But you are my friend.
- I meant a girl friend.
-Can you work for me tomorrow?
- Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
-Then you must come in the
next day, I tell you.
-It's Black Friday.
- Black Friday?
It's the biggest mall shopping
day of the year.
And since the mall is just up in the
street, I would like you to come and work.
-On Black Friday?
- Oh yeah.
-And we work on Movie Monday too?
- Sorry?
How about "Nigger Tuesday"?
Nigger Tuesday?
Is this a new day holiday?
You come to brother and tell
him he gotta work on Black Friday
You got any idea how
racist that sounds?
Telling me to come here and work,
what do you think you own me?
-I never said this, I tell you.
- But you thought it, didn't you?
You thought to yourself:
Oh I'm gonna for this nigger,
cause I put food on his table
and clothes on his little
nigger baby backs and he ain't gonna say shit.
-To say I'm a star.
- You shut up.
You're God damn right to say I'm a star.
Can't wait until the post office
settle my disability suit, cause
Deann I will be out this mother fucker.
-You can kiss my ass.
- You know what?
Fuck you, fuck you and suck cock.
The hell with you.
- The hell with you.
-Zack, my boy.
- Yeah?
A customer with a hair lip speak me say you've
been watching baseball here the other night.
Football.
And no, that wasn't me.
Maybe the hair lip makes it sound like baseball.
Yeah, maybe. Maybe you hear it with an accent.
Fuck you, okay?
One day I'm gonna put a camera there
and I can tell, I know, everything
you do when I'm gone.
Everything. Scratch your balls, take a shit.
Everything, I tell you. Okay?
Fucker.
I hear both of you mother fuckers, I tell you.
-Why is he so fucking ice trunk?
- Fuck off, I tell you.
Very good, hmm?
Ghandi mother fucker telling me I gotta work
on Black Friday, and do some shit.
Like I don't wanna do some shopping too.
Biggest sales day of the year.
I'm getting me a flat screen TV,
you couldn't believe that.
That is actually my fault, I should tell you.
I asked for Friday morning off, so..
-Sorry about that.
- For what?
I actually just need
a lot of recovery time.
Tonight is me and Miri's ten-year-high
school reunion
I'm just gonna get fucking
alcohol poisoning.
-Reunion?
- Yeah.
-Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
- I know, isn't that fucked up when they do that?
Like, they say it is the
best chance to get everyone together.
People come back to the town for holidays..
But you know what? They can have it in the middle
of the summer at a fucking blow job contest
that I was judging,
and it would still be retarded.
-So why are you going there?
- Miri is making me go.
Listen to him, why are you always bend over
backwards for the girl, knowing she ain't
getting annoyance.
We got a good thing going, man.
She pays out the rent, she does the dishes
she wakes me up in the morning.
Why complicate that with sex?
Besides man,
I've know her since the first grade.
You don't fuck someone you've met
in the first grade.
Excuse me, I've met my wife
in kinder garden
We got married in Senior year and she has been
the queen of my world ever since.
-But what if you could do it all over again?
- I would jerk off and live by myself.
- That woman is the ban of my existence.
- See!
Excuse me, can I get a cup of coffee?
-Black.
- Can't you see we're talking, White?
If you're gonna continue to emasculate me
with this barbie dress up shit
-I'm using your laptop.
- Don't forget to smack it when you turn it on
otherwise the screen doesn't come on.
-Why don't you spring get a new one of these?
- Same reason I don't spring for clothes
for tonight: I'm broke.
There's a chick who works at Teen Juice
at the mall, you know
And I gave her a good deal in Yearn's so
she's letting me borrow this stuff for tonight.
What?
A vibrator online.
-What's wrong with the one you have?
- It died last week.
Look at the size of those fucking panties.
Shoot that shit, shoot it.
Who even knew Amazon sold
shit like this. This is incredible!
Those are fucking granny panties.
Okay, A: I don't appreciate you violating the
sanctity of my Amazon wish list page
And B: I'm not buying that thing on Amazon,
because turns out the over credit card they take
Oh shit.
I'm sorry guys, am I in the way?
You're fucking fagot alright.
Let's go to Starbucks.
And he throws like a bitch.
You know what else I throw: my nuts sacking
your coffees, so how does that taste fucker?
We saw your girl friend
in her under wear.
Well, too bad she's not my girl friend
you little fucker..
Are you still talking to me?
Just said I'm gonna look up
more fuck toys on Amazon.
Holy shit, at least they have
a flash light here too.
-What's that?
- It's a fucking pocket pussy
That is shaped like a flash light for
discretionary jacking off.
That when you get caught no-one
thinks it's weird, you're just a guy
who likes to fuck his flash light.
-I'm totally buying this shit.
- Wow, if you got money to burn..
How about paying the electric bill?
-It's due already?
- Well, November's probably but
I was talking about September's.
Tell me, this doesn't rock.
Kinda look like you're fucking Ronald McDonald.
That makes me want some McNuggets.
Why would you wanna buy a pocket pussy anyway?
That is so sad.
What? Excuse me, I forgot about the nobility that
a company is coming with a fucking vibrator.
Real, seal, action.. Oh my God, if you start
fucking little machines
I'm moving out.
What do you think a vibrator is?
It's a little machine.
How come you get to fuck something with
a motor in it, and I can't?
Cause I've never met a man who can make
me come like a vibrator does.
That is fucking bullshit.
...ball of jerkings in the bathroom?
Holy Jesus, you do not use
my jerkings to jack in our bathroom.
No you know what I do actually,
is I light bunch of candles
And I sprawl out on my sheets
and I listen to Sting.
Now I'm a guy.. Give me two popsicle sticks and
a rubber band, I'll find a way to fuck it
Like a filthy McGyver.
- Oh my God, I'm so glad I'm not a guy.
-How about this?
- I don't get why you're putting so
much effort in this thing anyway?
I thought we were like, just gonna go sit
around and make fun of everybody.
Well, I can't wear anything that I've already on
and expect to bring home Bobby Long.
Bobby fucking Long? No way!
Didn't that guy call you Stinky Linky?
Yeah that was then, okay? Maybe now
he can save me a fortune in Amazon bills.
Maybe you can fuck our landlord, so we can
at least keep roof over our heads.
You don't have the rent?
Zack, it's your month.
Hey, I bought skates with last week's pay check
and I need those, to skate with.
And this week's I'll barely cover
the past two water bills so..
Is this sexy?
Yeah, in like to a catch a predator
kind of way it is pretty fucking sexy.
Then we're done.
Zack.
You want me to come in?
- What happened to the water?
They shut it off.
- Oh shit, just..
Help me get this shit out off my hair.
Just use the water out of the toilet.
There's poo in there.
Not that part!
The back part of the toilet thing.
Take that cup there and then put in, there you go.
Here I'll just lean back if you could just
You know, pour it down like that.
Don't look, don't look.
Alright, one hour tops and then we're gone.
Or I had an idea, we could
just not go at all, which would rock.
Look, even though we're broke and we've never
gone to anything, we're still better than these
people, right?
No, not at all. We're probably not even as good
as most of them, unless one of them is crackhead
or something.
Just tell me I'm prettier
than when we graduated.
You look about the same.
Definitely not prettier.
But around the same.
I'm thinner though right, little?
Not really.
Well, good pep talk. Fuck!
-Tadaa!
- Tadaa.
-You don't recognize us, do you?
- No, sorry.
Zack Brown and Miri Linky.
-Are you the one they called Stinky Linky?
- Oh no, no-one ever called me that.
Oh great, what does yours say?
-What the fuck?! Come on,
I'm sure I had a nickname.
-Nothing?
- Alright, well you guys have a great time.
And before you go, don't
forget your copy of the Roving Roe-Ver.
-What the fuck is this shit?
- That is not shit.
That would be our bimonthly newsletter.
You know, it updates you on what
everyone's doing in their lives.
-Finally!
- I love your enthusiasm.
Here you go, write your e-mail
address down on that
and I'll be sure to add you to our
We had 800 people in our graduating class?
Yes, and only 250 RSVP.
-Doesn't that suck, Mary?
- Miri.
-Are you married, Beths?
- I am. Two kids.
-Wow, that's beautiful.
- Awesome.
Wanna fuck me later?
-Oh no, I'm married.
- OK, cool.
Well, if you change your mind
I'll be there getting shit face.
Just so you know, I eat the pussy.
Tempting.. Again, no.
-Show we?
- Sir.
Bye Beths.
Think about it.
I love your pussy.
Can I get two beers, please?
-You want a beer?
- Yeah.
Three beers.
Thank you.
Is that Zack?
Or am I Zack?
-Never gets old, huh?
-The other Zack.
- In my world nobody calls me the other Zack.
Now that this guy is not around anymore, huh?
-Get the fuck off of me.
- There can be only one.
-What?
- Do not you remember?
Remember? I yelled at you when we passed
each other at the hall way.
Like it was yesterday, man.
Awesome, awesome.
-Awesome. God! You guys have so much
to catch up on.
-I'm gonna let you get to it.
- Bitch.
See that big blow up
picture they have of me?
My hair is terrible. I can't
believe I wore my hair like that.
It's before I knew about styling products.
Makes a big difference in life.
You live and learn though, right?
I mean, ten years ago. It's before
we knew anything about fashion.
Back in the day. Or hairstyle.
Hey, stranger.
-Whoah, Stinky Linky?
- Yeah.
Although, it's just Miri now.
- Give me a hug.
-Hi.
- Hi.
Wow.
-How have you been?
- Great, great.
-Yeah?
- You look fantastic.
Wow, that is not something that you
would've said to me ten years ago.
Well, I've grown up.
Yes. Yes you have. You just look..
Listen to you.. Thank you.
No don't thank me, just fuck me.
Roxanne.
Someone I like, what are the odds, huh?
Zack Brown, we had four
years Spanish together.
Why does no-one recognize me?
Am I thinner, is that it?
Look at him.
-Who?
- My stupid husband.
No fucking shit! John Butterfield, you
actually married John Butterfield!
-That's amazing!
- Don't ever get married, it sucks.
You stop appreciating each other and you
runs us up to talk about it first year.
But look at him now.
Flirting up with that
cheerleader named Monica Vahn.
You want me to maybe flirt with
you so he can see? Even it up a bit?
I don't wanna get even.
If I was gonna do anything I wanna wine up
the asshole.
You can give me a hand job
in the girls' locker room.
-Fine, but make it fast.
- Fuck yeah!
Are you staying in town for a while?
Just tonight. I fly back to L.A. tomorrow.
Wow, Los Angeles! Gosh, Bobby Long.
Coming up in the world.
With Mrs. Long, I bet.
No, No, no,
No Mrs. Long for me.
-Can I be honest with you?
- Sure.
I think I need a drink.
Do you need a drink?
Cause I need a drink to say this.
-I've got a beer already so..
- Oh great, thank you.
I think there's a cigarette butt in there.
Yup.
Sorry about the elbow.
I can be only one.
A beer, please.
Thank you very much.
Oh Jesus Christ, my friend is making a total ass
of herself ending her old high school crush.
Oh God, that's so sad.
It's so Miri, that's what it is.
I'm Zack by the way.
Brandon.
Oh don't worry we weren't
at the same class or anything.
Okay, lucky you.
-Oh, you went Rover?
- Well, I went here. Let's just
leave it at that, I guess.
-Do you have one of the large flown pictures of
yourself hanging around here ?
- I do.
Kind of, right there.
-Gorgeous.
- Good times.
What do you do? What brings you here?
Oh, I came with somebody who went school here.
Bobby Long.
No shit! That's who my friend is
hitting on right now! See, right there.
-Really?
- There the one dressed up like Hannah Montana.
In L.A. we call that look deglodion chek.
-L.A.? Los Angeles?
- California.
That's awesome man.
What do you do out there?
I'm an actor.
-Wow, that's really impressive.
- Thank you, thank you.
-And fucking movies?
- Fucking movies, pretty much.
Look at you.
What, anything I've seen?
-What movies?
- Oh, all sorts of movies with all male cast.
All male cast.
Like Glenn Gary and Ross?
Like "Glenn and Gary suck Ross' midi cock
and drop their hairy nuts in his eager mouth".
-Like a seakwell?
- Sort off.
It is a re-imagining.
- Ah, like the whiz.
More erotic and with less women.
No women, to be exact.
I apologize in advance
if I'm out of line here,
But are you in gay porn?
-Guilty as charged.
- Are you fucking with me?
I thought you recognized
me at first, that's why..
-Oh, okay I get it.
- You're not my demographic
so I'm not insulted.
-Not really. Who is your demographic?
- Do you love pussy?
-I do.
- Then not you.
I came here tonight hoping to seduce you
and bring back to my apartment and sleep
with you
to get back at you for calling me Stinky
Linky all those years ago.
Wow, that is a weird revenge flat.
-You must be a terrible lay for that..
- What? No, I'm great. I mean I've
had enough practice and everything..
Wow, that sounded not good.
I fuck a lot. That's what I meant to say.
That doesn't sound good either. Wow.
You're a lot funnier than I remembered.
Thank you. Gosh, you turned
out to be such a nice guy.
Wow, it's just.. you know,
it makes even easier to just say this..
Would you like to come back to my place and
maybe open a bottle of wine and..
have ourselves a high school reunion?
- I..
-Hello Miriam.
- Beat it, we're talking.
-I just wanted to introduce you to Brandon.
- Salutations.
-Bobby's boyfriend.
-Bobby who?
- Bobby me.
Bobby Long.
Brandon is the star of such adult fair..
What was that one called again?
"You'd better shut your mouth
or I'm gonna fuck it"
That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that.
-Are you fucking with me?
- No, they are fucking with each other.
Oh my God.
-No!
- What?
-Granny Panties?
- Excuse me?
-How can you tell?
- This is so crazy.
I was literally just watching you like right
before we got here. This is so crazy.
This is you, right?
- My name's Granny Panties and
nobody wants to fuck me.
Nothing's whiter than my big gay ass.
-Where did you get that?
- Oh, I entered gay and ass,
and it was the top hit.
It's had 200 thousand views in three hours.
Honey, you are like.. I'm actually jealous right
now, cause you are like super famous.
Baby, please take our picture.
I need a picture with Granny Panties.
This is awesome.
Alright, smile.
Did you get it? Oh thank you, baby.
-E-mail me that.
- Yeah, cause he's the worst photographer.
Okay, good.
-You're gay?
- Yeah.
And I'm on the internet wearing.. a diaper?
Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh
and meet a celebrity?
-I'm gonna drink now till I pass out.
- Okay.
She'll be fine. So you guys
suck each other's cocks?
Oh, like crazy.
-Okay, that's enough.
- Oh, I'm embarrassing him.
I love when he gets embarrassed. He's not
living out loud you know, so he gets all like..
-You guys are totally in love, aren't you?
- Zackhary, we are.
Oh god, I just want..
I just wanna eat him up.
I can't keep my hands off him.
You know what, although he does most of
the eating in the sack, if you know what I mean
-In the sack and off the sack.
- Alright, that's enough. Look,
you've drank too much.
You do this every time.
You can't contain yourself.
Oh, I'm sorry. And by containing myself,
you mean containing myself in the closet?
In the closet of denial?
Is that..? No, no, no.
-Oh shit, this is real.
- No, but this is exactly why you haven't
met my mother. Because you don't know how to
ease people into this situation.
-Baby.
- ..just force your way in, every time.
Baby, I thought maybe for one second in
this town I could be myself.
I'm so sorry. No, you're right.. I should just
butch up and pretend that I don't love it
When you shove your dick in my mouth.
This is the best night of my life.
Am I making a spectacle, cause
I could make a much bigger scene.
- Really are
I'm sorry. Pittsburgh, listen up Man-Rovers..
My name is
-Brandon St.Randy and I love Bobby Long.
- Fucking A!
Is that enough for you? Is that enough for a scene?
Cause I could start do a lot worst than that
And the reason, the reason you
haven't taken me to your mother's.
Your mother with a make-up and all her drinking
She's in the closet, too.
-They fight just like real people.
- I thought, I could be a conduit for you.
-Thank you.
- Are you being sarcastic?
-No, I'm not. Thank you.
- I love you.
-I'll e-mail you, Brandon.
- Zack, it was so nice to meet you.
And I will be patient with you,
I will be there on your journey.
I will be your ship up
the mountain of gayness.
Well, about to see what
Granny Panties is up to, huh?
Do you hear that?
What kind of evil fucks turn off your
power the day..
No, the night before Thanksgiving.
-Who does that?
- Can you get advance on your credit card?
Flash light. Back stab my 200-dollar women.
Not a wise purchase, I'll give you that.
This is bad. If we don't come up some rent
we're gonna be locked out the apartment.
So, who the fuck wants to live there?
There's no water or power.
Which means, by the time we get home,
there's no heat either.
Well, I think it's time we put what we
always talked about into effect.
You're gonna have to start hooking.
You know, these are the exact circumstances
people find themselves in
right before they start having sex
for money.
Or making porn.
Sexy.
-Oh my God, yeah.
- What? You got an idea?
We could make a porno.
Not the idea I was looking for.
- What? No, yeah that is a fucking awesome idea.
Are you shitting me? That's a great idea.
That guy, Brandon St. Randy, who's Bobby Long's
awesome nice boyfriend
He said he makes a hundred
grand a year, because he shoots
and distributes his own porno films.
If it's so easy, how come
everybody doesn't do it?
Because other people have
options and dignity. Which we do not have.
Which puts us in amazingly
adventitious position.
Fuck you, I have dignity.
- Where?
Is it hidden in your gigantic under pants
that are blasted all over the internet?
-Is that were you hide your dignity?
- Every woman has a pair of those period panties.
That's like a fact.
- OK, families.
I bet most people don't make porno,
because they have families.
But luckily, your parents are dead
Sorry. My grandparents are dead.
- Sorry.
Thank you.
So who we're gonna disappoint?
Porn has gone main stream now, it's like
Coca-Cola or Pepsi with dicks in it.
Look at Paris Hilton.
Now she's selling fragrances to Tween's.
And I'm pretty sure she's legally retarded.
-Tween's?
- Have you seen that Jul Francis
guy who made Girl Gone Wild?
That guy is the biggest fucking
idiot piece of shit in the world,
and he has a jet and a fucking island.
Look, there's gotta be a less extreme
solution to our financial whoas here.
-Give me a better option.
- Get a paper out.
-I don't have bike.
- You could be a waiter.
No-one wants me around their food.
-Would you eat food that I gave you?
- Not if you gave me it, that's true.
Nobody wants so see us fuck, Zack.
- Everybody wants to see anybody fuck
I hate Rosie O'Donnell, but if someone said
"I got a tape of Rosie O'Donnell getting
fucked stupid", I would be like why the fuck
aren't we watching that right now?
-Cause she's famous, hello?
- So are you, you're fucking granny panties.
My underwear and your ass are famous, we're not.
-So who the f would want to watch us fuck?
- At least 800 people.
You jerk went to school?
Are you serious?
Of course, I'm serious. If you heard
this one we graduated with
Was in a fucking porno movie,
you watch it, right?
I'd watch the Brandon guy suck
a cock. I just met him.
With this mailing list, we have
almost a thousand people
That would definitely buy a porno
we arranged, just to be like "hey,
I sit next to that guy in Civic's.
Look at his fucking dick!"
We sold a thousand copies at
off our bills.
-So, what do you think?
- Nah, I don't think I wanna fuck a stranger.
Oh, wow. Like you've never
done that before.
How many guys have you met in a bar,
taken home.. Banged..
with your mouth and then
never talked to again?
-That's what we call a stranger.
- Dude, I don't one night mouth fuck
anybody that I pick up in bars.
Okay, fine. You don't wanna fuck a
stranger in porno movie
For some weird reason..
I guess..
-We could fuck.
- Yuck.
-Fuck you.
- I mean, you're nice enough
looking guy and everything..
Holy fuck, thank you. You're old
enough looking girl. How does that feel?
Dude, I'm just saying it would be
weird and wrong, you know, like
fucking my brother.
Ok, seriously. We're just
talking about sex, okay?
And it's for a purpose,
if we're getting rich.
Only my dick and your pussy
would be doing something weird.
Our bodies and brains
would be acting.
And you just explain to your
private before hand.
Look, this doesn't mean anything.
We're just doing this for cash.
-Oh my God.
- What?
You're just doing this, cause you've
always wanted to fuck me, aren't you?
Yes, I've gone my whole life pretending
that I want nothing to do with you.
Just hoping, one day we'd be in such
dinar financial straight
So I could use it to
finally make my move on you.
-You're just being sarcastic.
- I am. See, I was pretending cry right there.
I guess it's not
gonna be like creepy.
Like if we just got way too drunk
one night and accidentally fucked.
No. We would be going in with the
understanding that it's..
-A business decision.
-Strictly a business decision.
It's a means to an end.
Right.
And by end, I mean I'll
be waxing your ass.
Oh fuck you! I'm not even
letting you see my ass.
I've seen your ass and
the rest of you naked around
a billion times already.
Well, that goes both ways, buddy.
You've never seen my dick. Have you
seen my dick? You've never seen my dick.
Are you kidding! That part when
we went to, where you got blasted
And then we all watched you
try for like an hour.
Thanks by the way for fucking
letting me do that, thank you.
Oh God, we really do know
too much about each other.
This would really just
be one more thing.
I mean, look at us, it's Thanksgiving
we're hulling around flaming
Fucking garbage can like
a couple of steno bums.
I mean, this could give us chance to pay
off our debt, pay our bills, get a fucking
nice apartment with a heat in it maybe.
What is wrong?
Miriam Linky, will you have
sex with me on camera for money?
I will.
Who's the producer?
He's the guy who gets
to finance the movie.
Hell, what made you think I got
that kind of money?
We just need that. We just need
what you're about to spend on the flat screen.
And I can't get my flat screen! Fuck that.
No, no, no, no. Dude, with your kind
of profits, you can get two flat screens
you have one in your living room,
and one in your bath room.
One in the bath room?
That has always been my dream..
Watched it while I shit.
Everyone with an ass loves
to watch it while they shit.
-I'm gonna make that happen for you, man.
- I don't know, man.
What else does the producer do?
They help with the casting.
-What's casting?
- It's finding the people to be in the movie.
-Oh, so I get to help pick the women?
- Yeah.
Like I can look at the titties
and make sure there ain't no moles on them?
-You can look both titties, man.
- Oh man..
I'm looking at the same busted
titties for the past almost 20 years.
-I'm due for another new tittie.
- Please, help us.
Yes! Yes, I love you.
Well, don't mind that smell.
But we had some homeless people
squatting in here. You know what,
they would avoid their balls
everywhere but the bathroom.
Anyway, you pick up the poop
and you got yourself a movie studio.
Or we could just shoot this thing
in your apartment?
No power. You wanna
pay the electric bill?
-You mother fuckers.
- We'll take it.
Come on, come on, come on.
Oh Jesus.
Come on.
Why the fuck do
I have to do everything?
Fucking God..
They fucking suck.
I'm gonna hate fuck
the shit out of you Reff.
-Dude.
- It's cool. He's my cousin.
Didn't you use to video tape the varsity
basketball games in high school, or something?
Just the away games. I did it,
cause I was trying to fuck a cheerleader.
-Which one?
- Every one who wanted to fuck
a guy who taped the varsity games.
You still have your video camera?
Who cares what the title is?
The porn I liked, when I was a kid,
it was always like a spoof of a popular movie.
Like.. Edward Penis Hands.
-Okay, so we need a mildly clever
dirty title, that sounds like a real movie
and will basically sum up what you're gonna say.
-"An American Werewolf and Brenda"
- "Fuck Back Mountain"
Too soon?
-Next.
-Jerk my crayon
and let me color your white.
I need talking,
I need it now.
-I'm fucking you in the puss.
- I'm fucking you in the puss..
-It's puss as in pussy.
- Oh, because I was like..
Who would wanna fuck puss.
I want to slam my ham in
your canvaman. Scene.
-This guy is amazing.
- This guy is great looking too.
Hi, My name is Delaney and I'm
a producer, if you know what I mean.
Let's be honest, my first time.
You don't have to worry..
-I'm gonna touch you, nothing like that.
- Alright.
I have a wife, we're happy..
We're not happy but it's cool.
Just so you know, there will
be some fucking but uh.. We'll
talk about that if you get the part.
-Okay.
- I mean, not we won't be fucking.
There will be fucking in the movie.
Like I said I got a wife and she
don't play that shit. She's crazy bitch.
-Yup.
- It's my job as the producer
to see what you got.
So.. To make sure you're
comfortable in any way.
You don't have to show me anything
you don't wanna show me, cause..
I love the movies.
-"Lawrence of a Labia"
- No.
-"Dawn of the Dick"
- Yeah, but how are zombies
doing it all sexy.
- I want to eat your brain
and your ass.
-Dude..
-Scifi, yeah!
Closing counters with
a turk from behind.
-I don't know what that means.
- Just asses. Fucking keeping asses.
-What?
- We're making a porno
And we just need to know what you would
be or would not be interested in doing.
-If anything..
- No anal.
-Oh, definitely not anal.
- Anal and hugging.
-I don't do ass stuff.
- Anal.
Oh fuck.
Oh wait oral,
I like anal.
Okay, so do you have
any special skills?
Special skills?
I can get balling really quick,
and it sticks straight up.
-Is that really special skills?
- I think it is. Can you show us what you mean?
Sure.
Oh, that is special.
Yeah, you're hired.
Mr.. Who are you again?
Lester, Lester the Molester
Cocking Stuff.
Wow, that is the best porn
name I've ever heard, man.
I can have a porn name?
Then I'll be Pete Jones.
- Okay.
Are you Granny Panties?
-She is.
- Get the fuck out of here.
The Granny Panties are
actually in the house, I'll get them.
"Star Sex II"
We never made our "Star Sex I".
I guess we'll lose the "Star Sex III"
"The Search For Cock" then.
-Cock-ant
- What's that?
It's cuckoon with a cant.
So, Delaney told us you have
a special talent of some sort.
I don't know if I
call it a special talent,
but it's a little something
I picked up during bachelor parties.
-It would probably be easier
if I just showed you.
- The floor is yours.
So a movie, huh?
That could be fun.
Fuck.
Her name Bubbles.
-"Vas-ion of the party snatches"
- It's like mad magazines.
Oh fuck you, okay. You try to
think of a good scifi porno title,
it's hard.
There's gotta be one we
haven't thought of. That would say
it all, not be ridiculously
filthy and off putting. And still
have in some recognition with our audience.
I got it!
-"Star Whores"?
- Yeah, funny right?
See, we figured this opens us
up to even bigger sales market.
Beyond the people
we went school with,
people who like comics and scifi.
Comics? Like Ziggy?
Ziggy? Is that even in fucking
papers anymore? No, man.
Fuck you. Ziggy is a comic.
It's right next to Family Circus.
No,like Spider Man and shit,
you know.
There's always a shit load of those
Star Wars nerds at those car-pic shows.
So we sell them a Princess Leia, that
they can really fuck and jerk off, too.
That would be me,
Princess Lay Her.
-Who am I planned?
- You, my friend, are the lead role of
Luke the Guy Baller.
Oh man, he gonna be balling dudes?
I thought you said it was just boys on girls.
If I had to fuck a guy, okay,
but I would rather fuck a girl.
-What's wrong with you, boy?
- We'll change the name to uh..
to Sky Baller. I will be
Hung Solo. Delaney my friend,
-You are On Your Knees Bend Over.
- Man, I can't be in no porno movie
-My wife will kill me.
- Hump me, On Your Knees Bend Over,
your my only hump.
On the other hand, fuck my wife.
Unfortunately, On Your Knees Bend
Over is not having sex in the movie,
but the drawings do.
ICUP and R2T fag.
-I robot.
- And Stacey over here is gonna play
Darth Vibrator.
- I'm the bad guy?
-It's not a guy, Zack.
- I know that, cause I'm not a fucking idiot.
In our movie, the Darth Vibrator
is a bad girl who wants to fuck
the galaxy, literally. And it's
up to Luke and Hung to stop her.
-With their cocks.
- See, you and me get to have sex then.
- Cool.
- Yeah, I know.
Hold up, so who are having
sex with who, in this movie?
I was about to say I was
having sex with Zack.
What? Hung Solo ain't never
had no sex with Princess Leia
In the Star Wars.
Oh, guys look, this isn't a
literal adaptation here
It's more of an erotic re-imagining.
Kind of like the Whiz.
With lots of anal.
- Cool.
I have a question. Do Princess
Lay Her and Luke Sky Baller have sex?
No. Because they're brother and sister.
And according to Miri brother and sister
can't fuck.
But you actually said that this
wasn't literal translation so
that means, Lester's character
could have sex with Miri's character.
Cause I would love to fuck
and eat her ass and fuck her silly
in the movie.
Well, dream on Pall, cause
it's never gonna happen, okay?
- No, I'm fine with it.
- See, she's fine.. Wait, what?
Yup. I mean, everyone else is
having sex with more than one
person in this movie all the sudden
So, I think it's, you know, not
fair if I'm only fucking you.
Guys, read them up to yourselves.
Can I talk to you for a sec?
Look Mir, we got plenty of sex going
on in this thing already.
You don't have to do that.
Zack, it's fine. I mean, I have
slept with way worse looking guys
than Lester.
And I just want to do my part
for the movie like everyone else.
You're having sex in the movie
already, so you don't need to fuck
someone else, you're good.
I'm only fucking you though so,
don't we need to vary it up
Keep it fair?
- Fair for who?
What are these blood diamonds
we're talking about. I mean, come on!
Fair for everyone else who is
fucking more than one person..
A.k.a you, in the movie.
I mean fine.
- Alright then.
-If you don't care.
- I don't fucking care if you fuck him.
I don't give a shit. Like you said
fuck
Holy shit. Are we really gonna
shoot this in out of space?
Maybe not bigger idiots.
Star Whores
Cut. Alright guys, that's it.
So everyone just make sure you
leave costumes, so we know
they're here for tomorrow, okay?
But mostly, everybody, thank you
so much for helping us get ready.
Cleaning this place out, building
the sets and sowing the costumes.
-It's really amazing, thank you.
- Seriously, thanks.
But this is just the beginning
guys. If Star Whores works,
And it will.
We're set up for..
"The Empire Strikes Ass"
- "The Return of the Brown Eye"
-"The Phantom Man Ass"
- And The Revenge of the Shit
The all anal final chapter.
-Okay.
- The Revenge of the Shit,
you got it?
Yeah, no, we got it.
We'll talk about that one. We're
gonna have a lot of fun, but more
importantly,
We're gonna make a lot of
fucking money, okay?
So get ready for greatness people.
Tomorrow we start
Alright. Good night, you guys.
-What?
- Nothing. I just think someone should
Knowledge how completely insane and
amazing this is. And it's all because of you.
Ah, no. It's just a porno.
You know what I mean.
You're really coming to your own.
Shut the fuck up.
So, speaking off coming in things,
ready for tomorrow?
what it's like to have sex with each other.
Wow, you say that like you've been
wondering what it'd be like sleep with
me for a while now.
Why the fuck do you think
I started hanging out with you?
I knew it.
Here, help me.
Let's just promise that,
this is not gonna change anything
between us, okay?
-Like what?
- I don't know. Some guys can't keep
sex in prospective.
If anyone is gonna keep this in
prospective, it's you.
I don't want you to get all mooshie
and gooey on me after I give you
the best orgasm you've ever had in your life.
Oh right, like you know
what you're doing down there at all.
I actually don't. Where's the clitoris,
is it in your ass?
Just so you know, make sure you
kind of whoop it up and act like
I'm a stud, who knows what he's doing.
Just be a pall.
Oh, dude. I'm gonna
marital street the fuck out of this,
You watch.
-Thanks.
- You're welcome.
No really.. Thank you.
For everything.
You're welcome.
Less than 12 hours,
we make Monroewill history.
I hope nothing goes wrong.
It's a movie, what could go wrong?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What the fuck is going on?
No, you gotta stop it now!
We rented this place for a month
From Mr. Jenkings.
Nah, sounds like your Mr. Jenkings
is full of shit.
I'm gonna kill that
lying old fuck!
You're gonna have to go down to
Florida to do so. That's where he moved.
We got thousands of dollars of
equipment there, man.
Please.
Hey, if you wanna shift trough
this ravel, be my guest.
Hey, get that fucking
beam down!
I know this is probably the
last thing you wanna hear right now, but
If you don't get an advance
on your salary,
I don't think we're gonna
keep a roof over our heads.
I got an advance already-
Went it all on the costumes.
- So all our money is gone?
All your money?
Never mind, what my wife is gonna
do to me when there ain't no new
snow tires
But when she sees a charged
video camera-
Sorry I dragged you into
this, man.
I just wanted to
see some free titties.
That's all. But there's no
such thing as free titties..
Is there, Zack? Is there?
Fuck this noise.
Why we don't just get another
camera and shoot something else?
Where we gonna do that?
You got another sound stage?
What sound stage?
We had a shit covered garage
we turned into a sound stage.
We find some place new,
and we do it again.
How?
I'm broke, man.
No, make that I was broke..
Now I'm really tapped out.
I'll have to get another job just
to pay Delaney back, so please
tell me, how can I afford
to start over?
-What can I get ya?
- Yeah, can I get..
Too fucking late.
Cappuccino, $ 3.50.
Honestly, I don't know
what the fuck I was thinking.
I'm a total loser in every
single other aspect of my life.
What made you think, I could
do as simple as filming
People fucking. We have no money
left, no where to shoot, we have no sets
We have no fucking cameras. Here!
It's time I go back to my
old regular life
Where I'm a quiet fuck, who
does not cost anybody any money
And knows his God damn position
behind this fucking counter
Making cappuccinos for
this fucking guy.
Oh, yeah.
What are you doing?
Yeah.
Fuck yes!
You sneaky Indian mother fucker,
I tell you. Yes!
-Swallow My Cockacino!
- What?
That's it. That's the movie.
Why didn't I think it before.
We don't need sets
Or a stage.
Look at all this production value.
Waiting to have balls on it!
Hold up. You wanna shoot the
movie here,
-Where we work?
- Yes!
Fuck. Yes I do!
Do you know how many stories
I have from working here?
How many times I've been laid
right there after hours?
You've never got laid
here after hours.
I know!
Thank you for reminding me.
But I always wish I had.
And that's what porno is.
A fantasy.
If taking the normal,
and making it abnormal
By fucking it.
- Don't do that.
Little dog don't like that.
- How the fuck did you get a camera?
By being a terrible,
untrustworthy employee.
That's how!
Give me a day, I'll bang out
a script. Meet me here after closing.
We're gonna load gism
all over this mother fucker! Peace!
I like that guy.
But if he tries to fuck that little
dog tonight for real, I'm calling Humane Society.
Called Bean-n-Gone, so get
the fuck out of here.
Vamos, Stacey. Is already recording
Swallow My Cockacino,
Scene 12, take 1.
And action.
I'd like a double espresso,
so I could stay up all night,
Cause I'm in the mood to fuck.
I'm Hornista, so I love to fuck.
Would you like to fuck me?
Holy fuck. You mean, after
you're done with your shift?
I mean during my shift.
Keep going, keep going.
With your shaft.
Let us fuck!
Music.
Okay, open up the
tamer guys. Let us see it.
More tongue.
Little less tongue.
See, I told you it's work.
Look, it's amazing.
Incredible.
Pull out of it actually.
No, not you Lester.
Can you slap ass
and not be a pervert, dude.
Yeah! Stir it.
-Hey.
You guys still open?
No. We close at nine.
I need coffee
so I can drive home.
That's a cute kitty.
You guys see the game?
I was at it.
The quarter back was all
fucking..
-All night!
- Okay, pall. Here, on the house!
-I love you, man
- Love you too. Have a good one, okay?
Yeah, I'll have a cold one.
- I said have a good one.
You and your little dog.
-Action!
- Oh, yes!
Oh God, this is good.
Take it! You take it!
Take it Barry!
-Take it.
- I'm disturbed how turned on I am by this.
Oh shit, there's someone.
Okay, that's a wrap everybody.
Yeah!
Let's give a hand to hottest
with the bodies form last night.
Stacey, Lester, Bubbles, Barry.
Okay. We come back tonight
We finish up the scene and
then we get to me and Miri stuff.
Again.. Amazing first
night everybody. Thank you so much.
Let's us fuck.
-Hey, how did it look?
- How do you think it looked?
Looked like shit going
in other shit.
What an artist. That was
careless motto: shit going in other shit.
Oh man, I can't believe
you gotta work now.
It's okay. You know what?
Honestly, I don't think
I could sleep.
I pretty like pumped up right now.
- Right? It was amazing.
It was awesome. I think the cast
and crew had a good time.
- We we're getting great shit.
- Yeah, it was so fun.
I wanna keep shooting people
boning all fucking day.
I don't think I've ever met
the ambitious Zack Brown before.
Well, trying to pay the bill so..
It's not a bad thing.
I think it looks good on you.
Come on, hurry!
Wait a minute, you guys
never did it before?
It's fine, you know..
We talked about it.
And it's just for the movie.
We're friends, you know.
We're just friends.
We will always just
be just friends so..
Listen, I have some extra
loop from last night..
I mean, I understand it's hard
to get wet when everyone's watching.
At least it was for Barry.
I don't know if I'm gonna need it
- Really?
Yeah, I think I'm just..
Excited.
Of the idea people watching,
not because of Zack.
Oh my God. Zack Brown could never
had that effect on me in a million years.
- Hello Miriam.
- Oh, hi..
-Your Face.
- Yeah. Weird, huh?
I don't think I've seen
your face since Senior year.
I think, I made a mistake.
I did it for you, you know, so
you didn't get a road rash
During our scene, but I should've asked first.
I look like fucking baloogle whale.
-I think I'll be going now.
- Okay..
All I keep thinking, we should've
done a trial run a home.
-Oh my God, right?
- Yeah, I know.
-You're still cool to do it, right?
- Yeah, totally.
-Are you?
- Yeah.
Honestly, I'm a little nervous
I guess. It's..
-It's kind of a big deal.
- It is?
Yeah, you know. It's..
Our first time together.
Since our auspicious debut
on viral video.
-Yeah.
- That's a fuck load of pressure for
a director.
As a director? Please.
What about the anxiety I'm
feeling as an actress?
-Then I picked the right project.
- Yeah, right.
What about this follow-up here?
I mean, Julia Roberts followed
Pretty Woman with Sleeping With
the Enemy, you know?
I'm following Granny Panties with
Swallow My Cockacino.
True. The only difference is, this
movie is about cock sucking
-And her movie just sucked cock. Period.
- Yeah, the only difference.
The end was pretty rag.
I like that.
She kills them..
- With a gun.
Yeah, it was so awesome.
So I guess we should do this.
I think we should probably wait
Just until I lose another 20-30 pounds.
-Stop it. You look good.
- Thanks.
So, what about me? How do I look?
I mean, you look beautiful.
You always look so beautiful so..
I guess it's not a big deal.
But you look amazing.
Okay. Let's go to make a pointer.
Swallow My Cockacino.
Scene 8, take 1.
Alright, settle. Action.
Who could it be?
-Hi.
- Hi.
I'm the delivery man, and
I have some cream for you.
Wow, that cream looks heavy.
You must be strong.
I work out. So..
Do you want me to give
you your cream now?
I've been waiting for it
all day.
-Oops.
- I spilled my cream.
-Do you mind?
- I don't mind.
Especially if you spill
it on my face.
Let us fuck!
Let me see them, titties.
Actually, you know what, sorry
I don't think we should show 'em.
-What?
- We shouldn't show your breasts.
-Are you gonna take your shirt off?
- I ain't take my shirt off. I'm just
gonna open it actually.
You're not gonna take it off?
Why not?
My tits are bigger than yours
for fuck sake. It'd look weird.
I don't wanna show that.
She's not gonna show her tits?
I shoved my cock in my asshole.
-Where's that delivery?
- I can't believe this.
I was delivering cream and
look what's happening.
Jesus, what is that? A rumba?
-What's a rumba?
- That akword movement.
Should we take your pants off?
- Yeah.
Oh, fuck. How does this work?
You know what, I'll do it.
I'll do mine.
I'm gonna fuck you
with my pecker.
Dude, that's really dirty.
-That's too dirty?
- Yeah, it offends me.
-I'm gonna fuck you with my penis.
- I can't wait.
For my penis.
Be careful, Miri. Okay.
Just keep rolling.
Fucking cream is coming.
This is the worst porno
I've ever seen.
-Get over here, delivery man.
- Let's fuck on these beans.
Just leave 'em.
- It's really distracting.
It's all good?
We'll start kissing on three, okay?
-1, 2, 3. Go.
-Deacon
- What?
Did you see Lost this week? I missed it.
What happened?
Oh dude. They're on the island,
they off the island. Who can follow that shit.
I think they're in hell.
- Would you shut the fuck up.
-Cut.
- That's it?
It's over?
Ain't it supposed to
come with titties?
Well, it wasn't what we adjusted
but that was nice.
-You were so romantic.
- Way to fuck, Zack!
Thanks, Lester. Wasn't just
me though guys. Give it up
For my radiant co-star here, Miri.
Show's over in here. Let's move
it on to a fourth lying scene.
Alright. Let's do it.
-You look beautiful.
- I thought they would be
-Fucking hard.
- But it was pretty.
-Good job.
- Thanks.
-You're good Mir? You need anything?
- I'm just gonna take a minute, okay?
-Okay. I'll just be up there.
- Yeah.
-That was fun.
- Yeah. Fun..
- Hey, are you alright?
- Yeah.
Just for tonight scene,
I'm ready to go when you are though.
You know, before we go..
I'm thinking
It's a good idea if we
Talk about what happened last night.
I mean, we don't have to but..
Okay, yeah. I kind of dropped
the ball in that I guess, huh?
-No, no. It's..
- To be honest..
It was.. I didn't know
how weird it would be for me.
Weird? Weird like how?
Acting and directing at the same
time. It's a lot to process..
First time I thought my balls
didn't have enough hair on them.
-That's not what I meant.
- I know what you meant.
How are you feeling about it?
I guess..
I feel like.. Like we..
-Holy fuck!
- The light is on!
-Did you do this?
- No, I burned the bills how come..
- The water.
Come on, come on.
Yeah!
-We can shower in our home again!
- We got liquid.
Greetings! Have you heard
the good news about
Our Lord of savior
Jesus Christ?
Oh my God, did you
guys do this?
We got tired of you guys taking
showers at our places all the time.
So we took up a collection
amongs ourselves.
And shipped away
your a mountain of debt.
You guys paid off our massive
utilities bills?
How did you afford that?
I stole my old lady's bingo winnings.
And mistress Bubbles did a bachelor
party tonight which yours truly
Was a guest star. Thank you
very much.
But don't get too excited, cause
we didn't pay off your whole bill
Just a month of each.
And they agreed to turn
everything back on?
Yeah nine at night?
How does that work?
Stacey knows somebody that works
at power and light.
-You guys..
- This is amazing..
You didn't have to do this.
And you guys didn't have to
put us in your movie either.
-Or let us shoot it.
- Or produce it.
-Or put us in your movie either.
- We said that already.
Guys, honestly..
I don't know what to say.
Well, you could start off by saying
we could take tonight off so we could
Have our rap party right now.
Guys, we're not wrapped though.
We still have four days of shootings left.
Um, excuse me. In my producorial
capacity,
I'm shutting the movie down
for tonight
So we can get lost silly.
Go, go, go, go!
-Yeah!
- Yes!
Is it just amazing after all those
years not knowing?
It was.. weird. But good.
I have my next scene with Zack tomorrow.
- You don't say?
But I'm little nervous.
-I was thinking about trying to
get with him tonight.
- Really?
I mean if you don't mind.
You guys are just friends and all.
So I didn't think it would be a biggie..
It wouldn't be a biggie,
would it?
No, no. It's not a biggie.
Why? No.
-Are you sure?
- Yes, Stacey.
I'm not married to the guy so..
I don't know. You guys just looked
kind of intimate last night.
-We did?
- Yeah.
Well, we're just better
actors than I thought, I think.
You know what? If you want to get
with him, you should just go and ask him.
- He'd be really excited to hear that.
- Yeah?
-Yeah.
- For real? You don't mind?
Cool.
All the quarters are on the ground.
Come on, you guys playing
or what?
Well, I'm bummed. But I totally
get it and it's no problem to
work with Lester again.
-He has a nice cock.
- Oh. Well, you're a trooper Stass.
Oh, but if I start making weird
faces during the scene, it's just cause
I've been constipated all day.
Oh shit. We don't have to shoot
this scene tonight.
No I want to.
It feels great when you're
constipated.
It totally loosens yo up.
I use exlax, but good to know.
Okay. Never thought I'd have
that conversation.
So are we starting with Lester
and Stacey tonight,
Cause we were supposed to start
with Lester and Miri.
Oh, yeah. We're not gonna do
that anymore.
I don't think Miri's gonna..
wanna..
Do that.
So where are we shooting this?
Over here?
-What are you doing here?
- Me and Lester.
Our scene is tonight, right?
Can I talk you for a minute
in the back?
Sure.
What do you want me to shoot
here, Zack?
Just start with the close-ups of
Lester and Stacey. Give me a second!
What an artist.
Did I do something wrong to you?
-Then why are you here?
- I'm here for the same reason
you're here.
To make the movie.
Okay, just like for your own
personal information..
You're acting really
fucking weird right now.
I'm acting weird? Cause I think
you're acting fucking weird right now.
How exactly am I acting weird?
Well, for one thing, you've been
trying to keep me from fucking
Anybody but you since we
started this thing.
Maybe, I was thinking
about your feelings.
Were you thinking about my feelings
last night
When you were banging Stacey, cause
that would be really sad for Stacey?
She told me, that you told her
that it was okay.
I told it was okay,
to ask you.
Holy shit. I get it!
I fucking get it.
It was a test. That whole
fucking thing was a test. Is that it?
If it was, how do you think
you did?
We had a discussion. We actually
had many discussions..
About how, it was just sex
and how we wouldn't let it get weird.
-Then I'm not acting weird.
- No, you're acting like a jealous
-Fucking girl friend is what he fuck
you're acting like.
- I'm not your girlfriend.
-Oh, I know that.
- And you're not my boyfriend
So why the fuck are we having
this conversation right now?
Because you're about to
fuck Lester to spite me!
-It seems like.
- Did you fuck Stacey to spite me?
No, you fucked her just like you
fucked every other stupid bitch
And never gave a shit
how I felt about it.
-That was before
- Before what?
Don't fucking pretend, that the
other night you and me there..
That that didn't mean anything to you.
That you didn't feel it too.
Oh, you're not getting all gooey
on me here, are you Zack?
You know what? If you were
any other bitch,
I wouldn't give a rat's ass
about, I would tell you to go
fuck yourself right now,
Because, I fucking hate this
game playing shit.
But you, you mean
more to me than that.
So I'm just gonna lay this out
on the front street.
I know you feel something big,
something real the other night when
we were together
Because I felt it too.
We tried to fuck, and instead
We wound out making love.
So if this is it what you
need to hear
In order to keep you
from fucking Lester.
If this is what you need, fine.
Here it is. I'm gonna say it.
I love you, Miri.
-Happy?
- Oh Jesus.
You better get hold of yourself,
Zack, cause we just fucked.
What if I didn't fuck Stacey?
-But you did.
- You know what.. Oh shit.
What?
Alright guys, don't forget
I'm down here watch that pull out, huh?
This is some damn good coffee.
Hey man, where are you going?
- Get the fuck out of here.
We gotta finish this movie.
Can you believe this shit?
-Do you believe this shit?
- What the fuck just happened in there?
I'll tell you what just
happened in there..
That chick frosted me,
like a fucking cake!
Three Months Later...
Seriously, we shoot the
shit out of this bitch.
-Cock shots?
- Cock shots.
We shot you in the balls!
Well, it's my job to get
shot in the balls so..
Excuse me..
Didn't you use to work in the
Bean-N-Gone coffee shop?
I sure shit hope this
pays better, I tell you.
So why don't they just shoot
you with a puck?
-What do you mean?
- I mean, what does paintball
gotta do with hockey?
Nothing, I guess..
So, ain't no prices or..?
In the balls.
Yeah, they sure are. It's a living though..
Oh, you get the checks I've been senting you?
Yes, thank you very much.
I appreciate that.
Well, I didn't save you from
the brutal tongue lashing though, huh?
Well, you know, the wife never found
out about the camera, cause
-I payed off the bills.
- How did you manage that?
-Because now I'm rich.
- No way!
-The post office fucking settled?
-Hundred and sixty large, son.
Nice man! Congratulations.
It's a beautiful day, thank you very much.
- I thought you made that all thing up.
It's very real,
you can believe it.
No, she's spending off.
Well, since you ain't
gonna ask me..
I just go ahead and tell you..
No, I have not seen Miri.
- I wasn't gonna ask that.
Oh. I suppose you weren't
gonna ask about your movie either.
Look, that's why I came down here,
cause
I need you to come and
take a look at it.
-I'm not interested, man
- Well, you better get interested,
Cause you still owe me money.
- What's wrong with the movie?
-The story doesn't make sense.
- The story?
It's a fucking porno movie, man.
What story?
It's a movie, dog. And a movie's
gotta have an ending.
-Which we don't have at the moment.
- Credits.
-There's your fucking ending.
- Do me this favor, okay?
When you're done getting your
nuts blown off,
come back to humble Mornoewill
to my crib for couple hours.
Check out the flick,
you tell me what's missing.
I'll tell you what. You do that,
you don't know me shit no more.
-Really?
- Really.
-Is your wife home?
- Yes.
Maybe I should leave the
patch on, huh?
You got some extra ones?
-Hey honey.
- Where the fuck you've been?
-And who the fuck is this now?
- Would you calm down woman? God damn!
You already left one white boy
down in my basement.
What if that mother fucker
was grabby on me?
-Ain't nobody wanna grab on you.
- Oh, what in the fuck was that
supposed to mean?!
-Ain't nobody wanna grab on you!
- White boys love me! White boy?
-I said white boy!
- Yeah?
-You'd fuck me, wouldn't you?
- Should I say yes?
-Say yes.
- Yes.
Why don't you uh..?
Head down stairs..
-It's through this hall way.
- Nice to meet you.
You too.
What the fuck are
you looking at?
Why you gotta be up in here
yelling at me in front of my director?
-Oh, he's the director?
- Yeah.
I didn't know he's the director.
Okay, well, why don't he direct
my ass into a new mother fucking
husband.
How about that shit?
Oh, don't nobody want them saggy
ass balls!
- Saggy balls?
Look how saggy ass titties
you got run around here?
Oh, then mother fucker we match!
Oh shit.
-Where's my paintball gun at?
- Look at you, editor and DP
You got your shit covered, man
Please, don't ever say shit
covered to me again.
Roll the film for the man please,
so we can see what he thinks.
Just jump to it though, I ain't
gotta all night. The bitch is on me.
Nigga Rich Productions, classy
-Yeah, Dream Works was taken.
- Was it?
Plus it sounds like underground
gay fuck club.
"I met a guy at Dream Works"
Yeah.
Alright, so we got Lester
and Stacey fucking.
And then we got Barry and
Bubbles fucking.
And then this boring bullshit.
Okay, just go to the
next scene would you?
-Ah, what next scene?
- The one with Miri and Lester?
-We never shot it.
- Why not?
Because, after you left that night
Miri came out of the back room
and said she couldn't do it.
-We wrapped after that.
- Wrapped? So..
-Wait.. So Miri..?
- Never fucked nobody.
Just you.
Now, I wonder why she did that.
You see, there was the time when I
was just a bitter old fuck
Making coffees.
And stacey was just a lap dancer.
And Barry and Bubbles didn't
know each other.
And this fool here, hell, I don't
even know what he was!
-A white supremacist.
- Ah, fuck you.
Then two people come along
And showed us something,
we didn't know existed.
A world of possibilities
Where plain old people, just like us
Can do something special.
Even if it's someone filming
people fucking.
Sometimes..
We just need someone to
show us something
We can't see for ourselves.
And it will change for ever.
So as you can see,
our movie ain't got no ending.
And every movie needs an ending, don't it?
Thanks.
Delaney, you're a slick cupid mother fucker
Ain't love grand?
- Why the fuck is this white boy
doing in our God damn house?
Sometimes.
-No, get out!
- I'm sorry.. Close the door for once.
-It was closed over
- Just close the fucking door, Zack
I never slept with Stacey that night,
okay? I swear to God.
But when we got into my room, you know
what we did? We talked about you
And us
And how things were different and
how I was too much of a fucking pussy
To just tell you how I felt about you.
And I know, I know that's only because
of all the stupid shit we said about
how we wouldn't let sex change us,
but it did
It changed me.
That has to be love, right?
It has to be love, and..
Just so you know, I can't go back
being just friends anymore
because..
I just can't.
And I think you feel the same way.
Because that night after I left,
you didn't fuck Lester
What's up, Zack?
You know what? I do not care
that you're fucking Lester, okay?
How's that? Because I don't wanna
be with anyone but you
So I will wait for ever for you, okay?
I will wait the rest of my life.
Because I love you and I have
for as long as I can remember
And I would rather die than be
without you, Miriam Linky.
Miri's lastname is Linky?
You're gonna fuck a guy who
doesn't know your lastname?
Or that you beat Cole Rothen
in the sixth grade? - I know that
Or what your senior prom dress
would've looked like,
had we gone, but we decided not
to and we got drunk alone instead.
Or that you wash your hair
in the toilet.
-We're not fucking, Zack
- Or that you're not fucking Zack
-What?
- Yeah I mean, I asked her to fuck me
but she wouldn't do it.
Then I even tried to talk her in
to give me the fucking Dutch Rider
Shut me down on that, too.
-And the Dutch Rider is..?
- You don't know what Dutch Rider is?
Oh look, you grab your dick, and then
you have someone else work you arm
Let me show you
You grab my arm, I'll grab my dick
You grab my arm
now work it. Work my arm.
See that shit?
Work it up and down.
See? It's like someone else
striking you off.
And of course, there's the
double Dutch Rider.
Which I grab my dick, you grab
your dick,
you work my arm, I'll
work your arm.
Same time
Same time, it's like jerking off
together but not gay
We're not touching dicks
Each other's dicks anyway,
I'm touching my own dick.
You're working it, and I'm
loving it.
It feels good. Try me, come on.
Sorry to change the subject on
you Lester, but
If you're not fucking Miri, why
is your dick out right now?
Cause I live here now and I like to be naked.
- Huh?
When you moved out, she couldn't afford
to pay the rent by herself
so I moved in to help.
- But who's keeping her room?
That's my room now, she moved in your
old room.
She changed rooms?
Yeah, she said she did it, cause
she missed the smell of yours or some shit.
I don't smell anything.
But you know what? That probably
means she loves you.
-Goodnight, Zack
- Good night
Do you?
-Why are you crying?
- Because I missed you so much!
I love you.
-I love you, I love you
- I love you
I don't mean to alarm you, but
I think I just jerked off Lester
a little bit.
-The Dutch Rider?
- Yeah, it's genius, right?
If you ask me that, I say I will Dutch
Rider you for the rest of our lives.
Oh, good.
I'm getting tired of fucking
the flash light.
-You fucked it?
- Yeah.
-How did it feel like?
- Feels like fucking a flash light.