1
Action.
Cool.
Zoe, time for school!
I'm brushing my teeth!
So I get a call at seven in
the morning. And they say oh
by the way, Zoe needs to bring
three dozen cupcakes to school
for a play this afternoon.
This is seven am THIS morning
you understand. I've got
an order of studs arriving,
I got to be at the
construction site by nine AM
so in my free time, sure,
why not get in some baking?
Oh, and they got to be pink.
Everything is pink right now.
Oscar!
Can I get a little help in here?
The waffles are burning.
Um, Sal?
There's blood dripping through
the ceiling fixture again.
Zoe!
We re busy having
a domestic disaster. Leave a message.
Um, hi Dad, it's Zilla.
I just wanted to call
and see how you re doing.
Actually, I thought
I might come home for a visit.
Just to say hi. So, you
know, pick up the phone.
Zoe! If you lock this
thing one more time I swear
I will cut it off
with a power saw.
You know this is for
emergency use only.
When someone is
downstairs trying to murder you
you get to lock
this door, not before.
Now I know you re in
there. Come out of the closet.
Look at you.
It's the last day of school.
Can't you keep your
uniform clean for ten seconds?
How does it reflect on me as a
father if you show up to school
covered in blood every day?
Come on,
let's get you in the shower.
Hi Dad, Zilla again.
Look, I'd really like to talk to
you before I get home.
Actually, I have some news.
I'm not pregnant.
And I haven't been arrested...
So keep that in mind
when you hear my news, okay?
It's important to keep
perspective about these things.
I can't believe all
her school uniforms have
bloodstains on them.
Hey, it's not my fault.
Do I look like some
kind of fashion expert?
There's a difference between
identifying a fashion trend
and identifying
a bloodstain, Oscar.
I forgot my costume!
I'm late.
Can't you go on without it?
I can't be in a play
without my costume.
It's the only thing we re
doing today. Just the play.
I ll take her home.
No you won't. She ll show up in
some kind of ghoul ensemble.
I ll go.
You forgot to bring your costume
or you forgot to
make your costume?
You forgot the cupcakes.
Son of a...
Pink.
Dad?
Zilla?
What are you
doing home from school?
We weren't expecting you.
Actually Dad,
there's something I have to tell you.
You re pregnant.
You know, just because you
and Mom got pregnant in college
doesn't mean everyone
makes the same mistake.
Not in front of your sister.
So-so you re not...?
No. No chance whatsoever.
Oh. Good!
Well we re in a
huge hurry here, honey
so maybe we can
talk later this afternoon.
Dad,
I really need to talk now.
I need raw meat.
In the fridge.
Are you having
problems at school?
And the internship?
I, um-I turned that down.
That was a really
good internship, Zilla.
How are you supposed to
get into a good med school if.
Look Dad, if you re going to
freak out about the internship
you re really not going to
be able to handle my news.
There's more news?
So there's this kind of crazy,
angry PTA mom on the phone?
And she says that they re
missing 36 pink cupcakes.
She seems to be under the
impression that you stole them.
Hi, Zilla.
Hi, Uncle Oscar.
Just-tell them
they re on the way.
Could-could you just tell
her? Frankly she's scary, bro.
Dad, we re going to be late!
Okay. Oscar, you take
Zoe to school. Then call
the construction site and tell
them we re going to be late.
Tell them there's been
some kind of freak accident.
I ll tell them there's
been a kite boarding collision.
Whatever.
How do you feel
about helping me bake?
This is disgusting.
They don't have to taste good,
honey, they just have to exist.
So what's your news?
Before I tell you, I want you to
promise that you ll
be happy for me.
How can I promise that, honey?
I don't know what the news is.
Well, it's something
that makes me happy.
Well frankly, I don't
know what makes you happy.
I mean, maybe you've always
wanted to be a trapeze artist.
I'm not going to
applaud you for leaving college
to join the circus.
Or maybe you met
a handsome drug dealer.
I mean, just tell me
what the news is honey.
Do you want me to guess?
Well, the second one is closer.
You re squeezing out
all the frosting, Zilla.
Now I don't have any frosting.
Okay, let's just say
hypothetically I promise to be
happy with your news.
Hypothetically, in what category
would this news fall?
It would fall in
the love category.
Oh God. That's
worse than I thought.
...And I'd like some of those
orange ones with the sprinkles.
Not the round orange sprinkles.
The cylindrical
orange sprinkles.
Excuse me, is this something
that could possibly be sped up?
Because we re kind of in
a time sensitive situation here.
Excuse me, but I think
I have as much of a right to
personalize my confectionery
choices as you do.
Oh, I'm not denying that right.
It's just that, well, we have to
get three dozen pink cupcakes
in the next sixty seconds
or I'm going to miss what's left
of my daughter's school play.
Well, what kind of cupcakes?
We have raspberry strawberry,
marionberry, red velvet.
Any kind!
Just make them pink!
Now listen, Zilla. We have to
go in there and see what's left
of your sister's play,
and if you don't tell me
what your news is first,
I will write you out of my will.
Fine. I'm getting married.
What?
Married? You re getting
married? You are 21 years old.
You married Mom
when you were 19!
Oh, and that was a
brilliant idea, wasn't it?
I mean, do you see your
mother around anywhere?
Have you heard from
her in the past eight years?
You wouldn't even
know what tenderness was
if it weren't for
your Uncle Oscar!
I knew you were going to
freak out. That's why I didn't
tell you over the phone!
This is absolutely
out of the question!
Sorry. Excuse me.
What's this play about, anyway?
American History.
Um, you missed
most of the play.
They just have the
costume awards left.
You are still in college.
Is there some rule that college
students can't be married?
Have you ever thought about how
hard it will be to get through
med school if you
have kids to raise?
That won't be a problem for us.
You can't necessarily plan
these things, Zilla.
Birth control isn't
always what it should be.
Thank you all for coming
and joining us on this happy
family occasion.
I'd like to thank all the
parents in the audience
for all the effort that you put
into the baking and the costumes
and the students behind the
curtain for all their hard work.
I'm sure they re
ready for summer vacation.
In recognition of some of the
costumes that really stood out
we would like to give
out a few quick prizes.
The prize for the
prettiest costume goes to
Mary Ann Percy as
the Statue of Liberty.
Next, the prize for
the coolest costume goes to
Tyson Baker
who came as a Rough Rider.
And, ah, our judges decided to
give out a third prize this year
The award for the most
disturbing costume goes to
Zoe Balicki who decided
to come as a pilgrim
who has been..
Scalped.
Zoe, we have to
applaud your creativity.
However, a quick reminder
for Zoe's parents...
Including, ah, raw meat on an
elementary school costume is
not considered strictly sanitary
And now, if the
children will join me in
singing our school song.
I didn't finish
telling you my news.
I'm sorry, there's more?
I invited my fiance's
family over for dinner.
I want you to meet her.
Beg your pardon. Her?
I'm a lesbian, Dad.
What?
I'm a lesbian!
So, this is how you
choose to share
important news with the family
Just dumping it on
us out of the blue.
Believe me, coming out in the
middle of a grade school play
was not my ideal way of
coming out of the closet either.
Well, couldn't we have
had a more gradual transition?
I mean, last I knew,
you had a boyfriend.
Yeah, isn't there
supposed to be some like
I don't know, sexual
experimentation first?
There has been.
Oh God.
Come on Dad,
when's the last time you
actually saw me with a man?
There was that guy you went
to the Fire & Ice dance with.
Was that a woman?
No Uncle Oscar,
that was Bobby Milton
and that was in
the eighth grade.
What's going on?
Zilla's a lesbian now!
I've always been a
lesbian, Uncle Oscar.
Well we re so sorry
to offend you, Zilla.
We really apologize that your
family's been too insensitive to
notice, possibly because
you've always dated men.
I knew you wouldn't approve.
It's not that I
disapprove, honey.
It's just... well,
it's all very sudden.
Sal told me everything.
I brought you some chicken soup.
Okay...
You do understand
that this is not like
a contagious disease that
can be treated with soup, right?
And I brought
some dresses for Zoe.
Hello, Marge.
Sal. Troubled times.
This is what happens when
girls are raised without mothers
What, they become lesbians?
And Zoe! I heard she made a
sensation at the school play.
How do you know these things?
I try to stay informed.
I've said it a million times.
You've got to take better care
of these girls.
You should remarry.
And I've told you a
million times, Marge
I haven't met the right woman.
Maybe you re secretly gay.
Well, if it isn't
the movie director.
How's the horror film
coming, Ms. Kubrick?
Has my coffin arrived?
It came yesterday.
I still don't know what
you want with a coffin.
Aren't you small, miniature
people supposed to be in school?
It's vacation.
Then why aren't you out playing
with your youthful peers?
Don't you have any friends?
Do you?
Touch.
Where is it?
In the back. I ll get it.
This doesn't look real.
It's for magic shows.
This is stupid.
You order away, you pay.
You hear about
the horror contest?
Hosted by the Film Foundation.
Hundred dollars cash
prize for whoever turns in
the best short horror film.
When's the deadline?
July 1st.
It's for college kids, dummy!
You ll never win.
Okay, I think that we've
all had enough time to think
about this new
situation and adjust.
The important thing is that
Lu's family is coming over for
dinner and we need to
get ready to greet them.
What's this family like, dear?
I guess they re sort of formal.
Formal? Like, how formal?
Well, they re
conservatives from New York
so Lu says they
always dress for dinner.
Dress in what?
Like, in clothes? Cause
we do that, we wear clothes.
The men wear ties.
How many men?
Um, Lu has three brothers,
so I guess there ll be eleven.
Eleven?
We don't have enough forks.
Fancy conservative
types always have extra forks.
And they don't recycle.
They hate environmentalists.
Well they re
gonna love Portland.
You guys, please!
I'm asking you
to do this for me.
Not because you support gays
or conservatives or whatever.
But because you
love and care about me.
If I start now, I can get
three lasagnas in the oven.
I ll make a salad and take the
Greenpeace signs off the lawn.
I will set the table.
Okay, you re a
recently reincarnated
emotionally confused werewolf
who hasn't had anything to eat
in ten centuries. Action!
I think it needs more hunger.
I have to go inside soon.
I'm supposed to be studying.
Francis, we re in the
middle of a film shoot.
I know, but I only got to come
out because Grandma fell asleep.
Don't you get summer
break in home school?
Grandma says
summer break is for farmers.
She's not going to
be thrilled about this lawn.
Okay, maybe we
can speed things up.
If we show the werewolf
coming out of the coffin
then we can get rid
of the establishing shot.
Action!
Stupid thing.
What's wrong with it?
It's for magicians.
I never should have ordered it.
Are you okay?
I may be having
an allergy attack.
What are you allergic to?
Grass, nuts, wheat, dairy, soy..
It says here that the oyster
fork goes next to the spoon.
That can't be right.
We re not
serving oysters, Oscar.
I'm going to go pick up
Lu's family from the airport.
I still can't believe
they flew out for this.
Where are they staying?
I invited them to stay with us.
What?
You always told me to feel free
to invite friends
home from school!
Yeah, friends.
Not entire families of
culturally conservative lesbians
who want to marry my daughter!
It's like I told you.
Girls need a woman's touch
or they turn out, different.
There's nothing different
about my daughters, Marge.
Dad, could you
buy me a coffin?
Um, no Zoe.
Why would you want a coffin?
I need one.
Zoe, only dead
people need coffins.
Here Zoe, come help
me with the place cards.
We re having
company for dinner.
Can I invite Francis?
Sure.
Hey, she needs to
take a shower first.
Zoe, go wash up and put
on something more formal.
Hello, Mrs.McGillicuddy.
Is there something wrong?
I ll say there's something
wrong. My dog is missing.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I know your daughter had
something to do with this.
Zilla?
The little one. With the fangs.
I'm sorry Mrs. McGillicuddy,
but Zoe doesn't even like dogs.
I didn't say she liked them.
The way she looks at Fifi...
Like that cannibal man.
Hannibal Lecter.
Mrs. McGillicuddy, I promise
you Zoe did not eat your dog.
But we ll be sure to let you
know if Fifi shows up, okay?
Weirdo.
Who's the weirdo, Sal?
Your neighbor or your daughter?
Zoe, I said put on
something more formal.
Now hurry up,
they re almost here.
Let's make sure everything
goes well. For Zilla's sake.
Welcome!
We re so happy
to finally meet you!
So I said to Luna
sweetheart, I don't care
if you marry a man a woman
or one of those
bizarre transgender types.
All I want are grandchildren
and with artificial
insemination these days
that's entirely possible.
I think Zilla wants to finish
college before she has kids.
Well, naturally!
But she won't
want to wait too long.
I waited until I was older to
have children and quite frankly
I think something
went wrong with my eggs.
They re practically mutes.
So you re a gay couple?
Um, no.
Mm mm, no no, we re
not any kind of couple.
That would be an
incestuous relationship.
We re brothers.
Hmm.
You come off like a gay couple.
Anyway
Have you thought about
what kind of ceremony you want?
Well, I think we'd like
something very small
and informal... with just
a few of our closest friends.
Oh. Well that wouldn't
be very festive, would it?
Don't be afraid to
splurge a little, sweetheart.
Geoffrey and I have decided
we want to cover everything.
We re delighted to
do it, aren't we dear?
Ecstatic.
Well now, wait a minute.
Why should you pay?
Well, it's traditional
for the bride's family
to cover expenses.
Yes, but there
are two brides here.
Well I just thought that because
we re really
extremely supportive.
Now hey, I don't
think that's very fair.
Sal was a little taken aback
when Zilla said she
wanted to get married
because she's so young.
That doesn't mean
he's not supportive.
He's very supportive.
Are you?
Yes.
Sal has raised these two
little girls all on his own
and yes, he gets a little surly
sometimes, don't get me wrong.
He has a lot of weaknesses.
Frankly, he's terrifying if you
wake him up early in the morning
and if you spill just a little
bit of furniture varnish
in the laundry machine..
Watch out.
He's also...
Ahem, thanks Oscar.
But overall he
is a very good guy.
And so if you want to
have this competition of
who's the most supportive parent
I would like to nominate
Sal as a very strong contender.
I'm not competing.
We would be happy to
host Lu and Zilla's wedding.
And we ll do everything
we can to make it special.
Well if we host the
wedding, we ll go all out.
Couldn't you both
host the wedding?
Jointly?
I suppose we
could consider that.
This is going to be
the best wedding since
Prince William
and Kate Middleton!
But we don't want.
Now nonsense, sweetheart.
Everyone says they
don't want a big wedding
but I know it's
every girl's dream.
And I know it's hard to plan a
wedding without your mother.
But I've always
wanted another daughter
and it doesn't look like I ll be
acquiring one via these buffoons
any time soon.
I'd be honored
if you'd try to think
of me in that role.
I ll be your new mother.
Mr. Balicki.
I want you to
know that I found Fifi.
Shorn.
Humiliated.
In hiding..
Sweetheart.
Zoe.
Did you..
Shave this dog?
No...
I used your gardening shears.
That's it.
I don't know what's
gotten into you lately but
all this horror stuff
is getting too weird.
Give me that camera.
But Dad...
I'm serious.
Hand it over.
No more horror films.
If you want to film
something you can film..
Your sister's wedding.
Nothing else.
Aaaaahhh!
I need you to be
here in ten minutes
with your werewolf costume
and a carton of denture wax.
I ll see if I can
skip chess practice.
But how come it's so important?
Okay.
You know those severed fingers
I was marinating in the fridge?
Yeah.
Well, Lu's mother came
downstairs dressed as a ghoul.
Why would she
be dressed as a ghoul?
I don't know, but she was.
And she saw
the fingers and screamed.
So I realized that
we can make a horror film
without anybody realizing
that they re in the horror film.
I'm... so confused right now.
Never mind. Just come
over and I ll explain later.
Did you sleep well?
Yeah.
There were a couple things
under the cushions, but..
Once I took them
out, I slept great.
Oh God.
Could you avoid the
public displays of affection?
We re eating.
We just got engaged, Dad.
Be grateful we re not
making out on the coffee table.
Yes, thank you for that.
I couldn't help noticing
that the pickle jar is full of..
Fingers.
Oh yeah. That's Zoe.
My advice would be if you re
squeamish about anything like
severed body parts..
Never open the fridge.
Eat canned food.
Well..
This is going to
be a marvelous day!
Wedding dress shopping!
Wedding dress shopping?
If Mom can
incorporate shopping
into her daily
routine, she will.
Shopping for that kind of girly
stuff really makes me nervous.
All those perfume smells..
And the makeup counter..
Well, we only have a
month to plan the wedding.
Dresses take time.
Are you sure you
don't want to rethink.
Mom.
The wedding has to be in June.
My residency starts in July.
Saturday June 30th
end of story.
Then shopping is
definitely in order.
In fact, we'd better shop
for the entire bridal party!
Will you be joining us?
Um, no. Thank you for the
thought. I have to work.
Oscar will be going
along to represent the family.
You don't work?
Um, I would say I'm temporarily
on a leave of
absence from official duties.
You re unemployed.
This is Portland.
Unemployment is more like...
an art form.
Can I come shopping?
I'm sorry,
you want to go shopping?
And since we ll be
doing wedding stuff
I ll need my camera.
I can shoot
the wedding planning.
Like a documentary.
Documentaries are educational.
Fine.
But I don't want any
weird horror stuff, alright?
Have you thought about
who's going to be
in your bridal party?
Oh yes.
Well of course Matt, Mark
and John will be on Lu's side.
And on my side I ll have my
two best friends from Portland
Pat and Angie.
And Zoe's going
to be my flower girl!
You re Pat.
Patrick.
It's so nice to meet you.
Oh, no. Sorry guys,
but I promised your dad.
No more horror stuff.
How much to
unlock the rental car?
How about ten bucks?
We don't have that much.
Maybe you could earn it.
What would we have to do?
I think a good prank would be a
timely diversion right about now
I don't know any pranks.
You ll have to think of one.
Okay.
What if we go into the shop
and hide everybody's clothes?
And when they re done
trying on wedding stuff,
all their clothes will be
gone and everyone will scream.
You re on.
There's my little flower girl!
We've got to get you
into your dress, dear.
Um, where do I put my clothes?
We can put them in
a garment bag for you, dear.
Alright, I did it.
Now give me the keys.
Nice dress.
I'd keep the
comments about the dress
to a minimum if I were you.
Okay. The werewolf
just climbed out of his coffin
and he's wandering
around town lonely.
He wants friends.
But no one will be friends with
him because he's a monster.
The only way he can make friends
is if they become monsters too.
So he has to bite someone.
Action.
Now that is adorable.
Oh, and what about this one?
Would you like to
try a mother-of-the-bride dress?
Ooh, that would be lovely!
I don't know,
it's kind of dumpy.
I don't feel like any of these
really capture my
true personality.
You have to get higher up.
But this would
look lovely on you!
Mom, you know
I don't wear dresses.
You don't normally
get married either Lu
but I was hoping you
could make an exception
for the most
elaborate day of your life.
Now darling
this would look
absolutely fabulous on you.
Doesn't it just leave
you at a loss for words?
Yes.
Now this is me.
Excuse me,
but that is out of the question.
We are planning a
classic, black tie wedding.
Oh, in Portland?
I don't think I own a black tie.
Well, it's your niece's
wedding. You can buy one.
If Pat gets to wear
that, I want to wear this.
Picture it with combat boots.
Absolutely not.
What we re going to need for
her is something with sleeves.
Excuse me
but I feel like my accoutrement
preferences are not being..
Respected?
I mean, I'm wearing pants.
Why can't he wear a dress?
How come she gets to
wear pants and I don't?
Hey. You re at a here, and I
need to see you at a here.
I'd also be willing to wear
the blue taffeta
with rhinestones.
Maybe everyone
should wear all black.
Ordinarily I think
rhinestones are super tacky
but this is a wedding,
and we have to sparkle.
Who are you, Liberace?
I just want everyone
to feel comfortable..
Comfortable? In that?
Hey, I saw this exact same
look in the June issue of Vogue.
On a man or a woman?
I told you
we should have eloped.
I volunteer to wear a tuxedo
to balance out Pat's
slutty barmaid costume.
It's not a slutty
barmaid costume
it's a gown!
I am not wearing a dress!
This is not just choose
your favorite gender day!
There are RULES.
Where are the garment bags?
The ones in the shipping closet?
I sent them out on the
delivery truck half an hour ago.
I didn't hang them
in the shipping closet.
I hung them in
the dressing rooms.
Those were not gowns.
Those were everyone's clothes!
Action!
Grrrrraaaaauuuuuugggghhhh!!!
Aaaaaaahhhhh!!!
Get off of me! Get off of me
get off of me, get off of me
I will put you
in your grave, little man!
Mom! Mom!
I will win! I will win..
The damage comes to
$5,000 in ruined property.
You can't even go
wedding dress shopping
without getting arrested?
It was a
complicated situation, bro.
Oscar.
I asked you to
represent the family's interests
and they ended up in jail.
Roar! Rar!
Aaaaaaahhh!!! What is-Ack! Eek!
Rar!
Aaaaaaahhh.
Roaaaar!
Aaaaaaahhh!!!
Roaaauuughhh!
Rooaaaauurr!
Aaaaaaaaahh!
I mean it's got to be
about a wedding, right?
We re only allowed
to shoot wedding stuff.
So the werewolf goes into
this wedding shop trying to
bite people and
he looks up and sees a bride.
And he falls in love.
I don't know..
Falling in love
isn't as cool as biting people.
Francis, of course
he's going to bite people
but there's got to be a plot.
We can't be too picky,
the deadline's in three weeks.
I don't see why they have
to get married in a church.
I've always dreamed of seeing
my daughter married in a church.
Besides,
weddings should be religious.
We re Jewish.
Non-practicing.
Fine.
So find a rabbi who's willing to
perform a same-sex marriage
for non-practicing Jews,
and he can be there too.
I found the perfect church.
They re non-denominational,
and they simply love the gays.
Why is Francis here?
Why is Francis always here?
Francis, why are you
wearing this thing?
I thought you were allergic.
I have to practice, Mr. B.
Well if you re coming
to the church with us
you need to
at least take the mask off.
It's not appropriate.
Yeah, put it back on.
I think it's fair to say
Mom won yesterday's brawl.
Matt, honestly
it wasn't a brawl.
It was a simple
miscommunication.
I couldn't help noticing
that I was being strangled
so I reacted defensively.
All's well that ends well.
You consider doing jail time
ending well, do you?
Well, we got what we came for.
The dresses were purchased,
you could say we broke them in
and Zilla and
Zoe will look lovely.
As for the bridesmaids.
I simply plan not to look at
that half of the wedding photos.
Where is Zilla? It's time to go.
You know..
This dress we picked out..
It's not really my style.
I know it's not.
I thought it was
some secret inner girliness
coming out
after all these years.
No, it's just...
Your mom really liked it.
It's our wedding.
If you don't like it, return it.
I don't want to
hurt your mother's feelings.
Well, if you care more
about what other people think
than being who
you are, then wear it.
I don't get it, Zill. Either you
wear the dress or you return it.
Those are your
only two options, right?
Right.
So what's the big deal?
What is this?
Oh, it's Portland. People
like to let each other go first.
You go first.
No, you go first..
No, no, you go first.
Son of a bitch.
You go first.
You go first!
I won't!
Well! You are
going to love this church.
It is absolutely charming.
I'm not really sure about
getting married in a church..
I always imagined
an outdoor wedding.
Well they have
very large windows.
So that's almost
like being outside.
So, the werewolf
falls in love with the bride.
What would he do next?
Would he maybe eat something?
No, that's not what people
do when they re in love.
They recite poetry and stuff.
But you re not
ready to do that yet
because you have a problem...
The bride's in love
with someone else.
So here's your
mission in the church.
Make Zilla break up with Lu
and fall in
love with you instead.
It is nice.
See?
Welcome!
I'm Pastor Bob and
this is my wife, Earth.
You must be joking.
No. My kids
call me Mother Earth.
Her parents were hippies.
Apparently it's genetic.
This is my daughter
Luna and Zilla, her future...
...What would you
call it, partner? Helpmate?
Wife.
Oh, just like us!
Yes, just like regular people.
Oh my God, I've never been
inside an actual church before.
This is adorable!
Zilla and Lu could
get married right now.
I ll make the toast!
To Zilla and Lu.
I hope your daughters
aren't dirty sluts
like we were in high school.
That's the Blood of Christ.
Yeah, that's very nice, Zoe.
Now the first step to getting
married at the Church of Peace
is to do an interview
of the significant parties.
So if the significant parties
could step right this way..
We re all significant.
Okay, we ll get more chairs.
Alright, make
Zilla fall in love with you.
Action.
Is there a problem?
How do you make a
girl fall in love with you?
I don't know. You ll probably
have to kiss her or something.
So tell me.
What makes you want to get
married at the Church of Peace
Well, the building is charming.
I mean it's precious.
And also,
you re Christian, right?
Well, of course!
And when was the last time each
of you actually went to church?
Ah well, that would be
at my godson's baptism in
um.. Oh, um.
1987?
It was more recent than that.
And I'm sure there have
been several times in between.
And the rest of you?
I guess that would be
my marriage to my ex-wife.
Which was sixteen years ago.
My father's funeral.
Which is ironic
because that son-of-a-bitch
is almost definitely in hell.
I'm Jewish.
I can't just kiss her.
Besides, my werewolf
nose will get in the way.
Give her a hug then.
Maybe we ll just skip
along to the next question.
Do you believe in
God the Father Almighty
who sacrificed his
only begotten Son
to save us from our sins?
No.
Dad.
What? I'm an atheist.
Me too! We have
so much in common.
Um, thanks Francis.
I don't think she went for it.
That was my
best possible hug.
Well, try to take
things to the next level.
I'm a Jew
who converted to Catholicism
to marry my ex-wife
then got divorced
which completely goes against
the rules of Catholicism.
So I'm not really
sure what I am now.
I'm a Neo-Mennonite.
Excuse me?
Wicca.
Okay well, um
what really matters here
is what the brides believe.
So, Lu and Zilla?
I would describe
myself as Christian.
You would?
Yeah.
Oh. Well...
I guess I'm not really
sure what I believe in.
I mean, it seems to me like
a lot of religions could
be on the right track.
But I do believe in spirituality
and being nice to people.
Francis, get the hell off me..
I don't usually swear.
That was pathetic.
Obviously, she's a lesbian.
Next question...
Um, if you were to have children
would you raise
them in the Christian faith?
We haven't
really discussed that.
What have you discussed?
You don't even
know what religion she is.
We've discussed
that we love each other.
So you re divorced
your sister is divorced,
your brother is divorced
and your parents were divorced?
Yeah.
Basically everyone in
my family gets divorced.
Hey, Pastor Bob?
Delivery from
Stump Town Funeral?
Oh, yes. If you could
just put it by the organ.
One of our parishioners
passed this week
so the family asked if they
could deliver the casket here.
It's made from
Oregon pine and Eco-friendly
pesticide-free glue.
Oh, good.
Because I'd hate to be
poisoned with pesticide
on top of already being dead.
Look, can we move things along?
Evidently,
I have to go pick up the wine
and I need to take these
three little faggots with me..
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that word no longer
PC because of this situation?
It-it was never..
Oh, please don't touch that!
That's someone else's coffin.
Well.
To return to the interview..
Do you follow the
Ten Commandments?
What exactly are those again?
You know
thou shalt not lie, thou
shalt not break the Sabbath..
I sometimes break the Sabbath
even though
I'm disputably Catholic.
How?
Well you know
if I need money?
Sometimes I just take it.
From whom?
Usually from my mom's purse.
You steal from Mom?
She would give me the money
if I asked her
but she can't hear!
Hurry, get in
and we can reshoot the
coffin scene before anyone sees.
Are you sure?
Of course.
Nobody else is using it.
So what you re
saying is that you
do sometimes steal
from your
mother on the Sabbath.
Yes.
You idiot!
Okay, look.
Let's cut to the chase.
How much do you want?
Excuse me?
What does a normal family
pay to get married here?
We ll double it.
You.. Can't..
Get married here..
Mm mm. No.
Isn't it a little un-Christian
to ban an entire family
from going to church?
Unwelcoming, I think.
I mean as far as
they re concerned
they are
dooming us all to Hell..
Zoe, I was being figurative.
Guys. I need your help.
I didn't get any
good footage today.
Will you put on these
masks and do a monster dance?
It's really easy.
Francis choreographed it.
What I don't understand
is why they were so
upset about a little thing
like breaking the
Ten Commandments.
Everyone breaks a
commandment sooner or later.
It's not like it's a mortal sin.
Actually I think it's the
definition of a mortal sin.
Well, maybe it's for the best.
What do you mean, Zill?
I mean, maybe my dad was right.
We barely even know each other.
I didn't even
know you were a Christian.
That's not the most
important thing about me.
And we never discussed
how we re going
to raise our children
We don't even know
if we re gonna have children.
And everyone in my
family gets a divorce!
Hey, hey, but it's not
without good reason.
I mean, your
grandparents had a fundamental
difference of opinion regarding
the definition of monogamy
and my wife?
She was,
quite frankly, psychotic.
Zilla.
Ever since we started
planning this wedding
you haven't been yourself.
What's going on?
Zoe, what is this?
It's not enough that you
humiliated us at church today?
It's not enough that you re
ruining your sister's wedding?
Can't you see how unhappy
you re making your sister?
I am ashamed
I ever let you buy this camera.
I am ashamed that I
didn't put a stop to this
horror business
the moment it started.
You know what, Zoe?
I guess I'm just
ashamed of you.
What are you doing?
I'm leaving.
How come?
You heard him!
He's ashamed of me.
Where will you go?
I ll stay at your
house tonight, and then..
I ll go live with my mom.
Do you even know where she is?
No, but I ll find her.
What about the horror film?
It's over.
We need help
locating a missing person.
Does this appear to
be a police station to you?
No, but you re the only adult
we know who's talking to us.
Well, I do happen to
be an expert on crime.
This person isn't a criminal...
we think.
Well, who is it?
Her mom.
Your mother's missing?
Yes.
For how long?
About ten years.
How old are you?
Ten.
I see.
So this isn't so
much a missing person
as it is a person who
intentionally abandoned
her daughter and
hasn't been seen since
is that right?
Yes.
And has it occurred to you that
she might have
done this for a reason?
As in, rather
than failing to share
this information with you
because it slipped her mind
she may have made
a deliberate decision
that she doesn't
want to be bothered
by a sniveling cretin
who can't even remember
to clean under her fingernails?
You don't clean
under your fingernails!
Digression!
You re completely
drifting from the point.
Your mother
doesn't even know me.
Try to be more logical.
We just want help finding her.
Look, if your mother
doesn't want to meet you
forcing the acquaintance on her
is not the kind of situation
that's going to lead
to love and cupcakes.
Meanwhile, I've been
working on your horror film.
I've designed a
trip wedding cake
that when you cut into
it, it spurts fake blood.
You wanna see?
We re here
for information.
Fine.
Have you
checked Facebook?
She doesn't have an account.
Well when I was a boy
we had an
old-fashioned device known
as a telephone book.
You could look up
addresses in a small metal hovel
known as a
telephone booth.
There's one conveniently
located at the bus station.
You could look her up
and get right on a bus..
I suggest you
avoid this step though!
You re only setting
yourself up for pain.
I have to find her.
My dad doesn't love me.
Actually, I'd say
all evidence so far points to
your mother not loving you.
Although I suppose it's possible
that neither of them do.
What do you know?
The only thing you re
good at is horror stuff!
I also
specialize in magic!
I never wanted
to be like my mom.
You re not.
How do you know?
My dad's been telling me
my whole life not to rush
into things but I always do.
Just like her.
She rushed into getting married
when she was
too young to commit
and she rushed
into having children
before she was old
enough to realize that
she didn't even want us.
So marriage didn't
work out for her.
It works out for some people.
It will for us.
How do you know?
I just do.
That doesn't seem
like a good enough
reason to go through with this.
You know what?
You re right.
You do rush into things.
You rushed into trying
out for the soccer team
when you were
only a freshman.
And you made varsity.
You rushed into pre-med.
And now you re on track
to graduate with honors.
It's one of the things
that I love about you.
You re impulsive and passionate
and you jump into the
things you care about..
And see them through.
Why would marriage work for
me when it hasn't worked out
for anyone
else in my family?
I think marriage would have
worked out for your dad
if he'd married somebody
a little bit more like himself.
Look how well he
did raising you and Zoe
all by himself.
You don't think we
turned out kind of weird?
Yeah, I do.
You re weird when you laugh.
It's weird when you eat
leftover soup for breakfast.
You have this weird little dent
on your lip
from when you bite it.
I love all the
weird things about you.
That's how I know
you re the one for me.
I love all the weird
things about you, too.
Then let's get married.
Are we to understand
the wedding's back on?
And where's it
going to take place?
We thought we
could just get married here.
That's a fabulous idea.
I'm picturing..
Swans.
On the lawn.
By the way
I couldn't help
noticing that Zoe's gone.
What do you mean, gone?
Well I went upstairs to
press her flower girl dress
and she wasn't there.
The bed didn't look
like it had been slept in.
Maybe she ran away.
She was pretty upset last night.
Did it look like she packed
her clothes or anything?
No, but that vampire poster
on her wall was missing..
Frankly, I felt it
looked better without it.
You two search the house.
I ll go find Francis.
Duh nuh nuh nuh!
Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh!
Uh, two in one morning!
This is really too much.
I can't deal with
these kind of interruptions.
Oh. It's you again.
What do you want?
Do you know
my daughter?
Zoe Balicki.
I might.
She's about this tall,
and she always carries a camera.
She's not dead
or anything, is she?
Of course not.
Fine.
She came in this morning.
Yes, I believe she
was asking you for advice?
A lot of people
ask me for advice.
I can't always keep
track of what I tell them.
You told Zoe to go
to the bus station and
look up her mom
in the phone book
and then you said she.
Listen, we re not
accusing you of anything.
We just want to find her.
Well, then I suggest you
take the advice of this small
flesh-eating carnivore,
and call the bus station.
I'm dialing right now.
You know, I wouldn't
say this to her face but
your daughter's fairly talented.
I've seen her horror films
and she has the potential
to really be someone.
Someone like you?
I have chosen to focus
my talents in other spheres
such as the retail
industry and..
Magic.
But I believe she's
primarily interested in horror.
Yeah, well sorry if horror
doesn't sound like
a viable career path.
It worked out
for Stanley Kubrick.
They didn't
sell her a bus ticket.
Okay, look.
If her mother wasn't
listed in the phone book,
do you have any idea where
else she might have gone?
I might know one
other place she might be.
Keep Portland weird!
Yeah,
we got that covered, thanks.
Zoe.
Come on.
We re going home.
Hey!
I just got in line.
I can't believe we re
actually going to Vegas!
Neither can I.
Best bachelorette party ever!
Well, naturally.
I planned it.
I still think it's weird
that the mother of the bride
is going along on her
daughter's bachelorette party.
Anything to get
her out of the house.
Why can't I
go to Vegas?
A: Because you re still grounded
for running away
from home and B:
Because ten-year-olds don't
go to these kinds of events..
I want you to be careful, okay?
Vegas is a
dangerous place.
Do not come back with pink eye.
You do not want pink eye
in all your wedding pictures.
Dad!
That's disgusting.
Yeah. Exactly.
It's very disgusting.
But it happens
at bachelor parties,
and I'm assuming
it can happen at
lesbian bachelorettes.
Your eye will swell up and
you ll look like
a zombie who is ill.
How do you get pink eye?
Don't worry!
The wedding's in two days.
I won't let a thing happen
to these two beautiful girls.
Are you ready
for the big day?
Yup!
I've got my
ordination certificate
from the Universal
Life Church. Right here.
Am I the only one who's
noticed that they've chosen
a self-proclaimed
witch to marry them?
Okay, I think that's everything!
You won't forget
that the ice sculptures
arrive Friday night
and the dove
wrangler will be here
bright and early
Saturday morning.
Yeah, got it.
Okay!
Well boys
why don't you
drive us to the airport
and then you can pick
up the fireworks displays?
Thank God it's nearly over.
You know
I never thought Zilla would
be the type to want a crazy
elaborate wedding like this.
Oh, Zilla doesn't
want this wedding.
We could still win the contest.
We have some
really good stuff.
Yeah, but how's
it going to end?
I couldn't get anybody
to do the monster dance.
And we re
almost out of time.
Maybe there
isn't a happy ending
so there is no monster dance.
Maybe it's a tragedy.
Like Bambi.
Bambi's not a tragedy.
The mom dies, Zoe.
Okay, so maybe
the werewolf dies.
Maybe he realizes
he can't marry the bride
so he kills himself.
How?
Drive a stake
through his heart?
That's a vampire, Francis.
Werewolves can die any old way.
Normally it isn't about figuring
out how to kill the werewolf
it's figuring out whether you re
going to be able to kill it
before it kills you.
Maybe he could
jump off the roof...
Uh uh.
It's too steep.
I may have a panic attack.
Just don't throw
up on the costume.
I built something for you.
Step, step, step,
step, step, step, stop.
Are you ready?
Okay.
It's the most beautiful
coffin I've ever seen.
Well you know, it's
not Eco-friendly pine
but I hope it will do..
Whoa!
Let's try not to actually
have to put this to use
before our time, huh?
So what's the big surprise?
The Pink Spa!
Welcome!
Three hours
of pure luxury.
We are going to
get our hair done.
We are going to
get our nails done.
And then we are
going out on the town.
And don't worry.
Everything's on me!
Aaaahh!
You have got to be kidding me.
Oh, sweetheart.
No Mom, you've
been trying to trick me
into getting my
hair done since prom.
No way.
You guys go ahead.
I ll meet up with you later.
You re not even coming?
I don't want to
spend three hours
painting my fingernails.
But-this is our
bachelorette party.
We re supposed to
be enjoying this together.
I'm sorry, this is not the
kind of thing that I enjoy.
But-this isn't the
kind of thing that.
I'm sorry, Zill.
I'm out.
Do you think it's
deep enough yet?
We have to get things
right this time, Francis.
It's supposed
to be six feet deep.
But we re not six feet tall.
How will we get out?
Zoe!
What the hell do
you think you re doing?
What is this?
Son of a bitch!
Don't,
you ll break it!
Aaahh!
I don't know any other way
of getting through to you, Zoe.
I have asked
you repeatedly
to give up
this horror stuff.
I have requested
that you stop
keeping bloody,
severed body
parts in the fridge.
I have begged you
not to shave
the neighbor's dogs
blow things up, or
dig coffin-shaped
holes in the lawn.
And now I am ordering you
to quit making
this horror film!
I have to make it.
It's what I love.
No, no,
no you don't!
Murderers may
love murdering people
but they don't have to do it!
It's the only
thing I care about!
It's in my soul.
Then there's something
seriously wrong with your soul!
You don't love me.
Sometimes Zoe
you make it hard.
Is it dry yet?
We ll shoot the rest of
the horror film tonight.
I ll put on the costume
and jump off the roof.
I wasn't going
to tell you this
until the morning
of the wedding.
But I have
another surprise.
Oh God.
I bought you and Lu
a special honeymoon package.
A week in the romance suite
at the Honeymoon Resort in...
Miami, Florida!
Oh my God.
A camping trip
in Colorado is...
just not that romantic.
Anyone can go camping.
And sleeping on hard
rocks for seven days
with a select assortment
of spiders and insects
is no way to start off
a harmonious marriage
I assure you.
Cora...
I appreciate
the thought, but...
Don't mess
up your lip gloss!
Okay. Are you
ready to see yourself?
Ta da!
My hair.
Isn't it gorgeous?
It's blonde.
I thought it
would go perfectly
with your wedding dress!
Are you all ready yet?
It's been almost three ho...
I'm sorry, Zilla.
It's just that you
look like a cross between
a Barbie doll
and Queen Victoria.
This Is not,
A good time to laugh.
This will be great.
Are you sure?
Of course.
The werewolf will be
silhouetted against the trees.
No, I mean are
you sure it's safe?
Stunt doubles
do it all the time.
Well yeah, but I'm
pretty sure a lot of them die.
If I die
make sure this gets edited
and submitted before Sunday.
Hey, don't get mad at me.
You did this to yourself.
I didn't do this to myself!
Your mother did.
Exactly.
And you let her.
What part of my childhood
stories do you not understand?
Do not let this woman
get within three feet of you
with mascara, a curling
iron, or a set of tweezers!
I wouldn't have had
to if you hadn't left!
Oh, I'm supposed
to sit around here
and let my head get
dipped into toxic waste because
you don't have the guts to
stand up for who you are?
This isn't about that!
Why can't you understand?
Understand what?
That you want her for a mother?
This is what
having a mother is about!
She's been trying to
turn me into a beauty queen
pageant princess
for twenty-five years!
I've fought my whole life
for the right to be who I am
and I'm not
going to give that up
just because you want to
suck up to my mother.
Suck up to your mother? Is
that what you think I'm doing?
It seems like it to me, yeah.
You have no idea how
lucky you are to have a mom!
I'm getting a divorce!
What?
Maybe the werewolf
could just take pills.
Just focus on the
cinematography, okay?
I didn't want to tell you
this until after the wedding.
Your father and I just..
Well,
we can't stand each other.
And I wanted to throw
the perfect wedding
for you both
because I love you
and... I guess, well,
I wanted you to love me
more than you love your father.
Okay.
Okay, what?
Okay, we ll love
you more than Dad.
Really?
Yeah, it's not that hard,
Dad's kind of an asshole.
What can I do
to give you both the
wedding of your dreams?
Mom, don't you understand?
I don't care about weddings.
I'm only doing this for Zilla.
Are you kidding?
I don't even
want this wedding.
Then why are
we doing this?
Are you ready for this?
Anything to have it over with.
Well, it's
really happening.
Zilla is really
and truly becoming
a permanent lesbian.
You know
I once met a lesbian
at the senior center.
I think she had a crush on me.
Mom!
Did you lead her on?
I might have.
Well, she
was very attractive
considering she was a
woman and had false teeth.
Is everything ready to go?
Yes, thank God.
The flowers are delivered
the goddamn ice
sculptures are in the basement
with four air
conditioning units
and I finally got the
male swan to stop
attacking the violinist.
The wedding's off.
What?
What happened?
Did you have a fight?
No.
We got married in Vegas.
Dad, I'm really sorry.
I know how much
you worked on this.
I just...
we finally realized that...
neither of us
wanted this wedding.
All of this planning
was just driving us apart.
Zilla.
Everybody we know
is set to arrive at
our home in two hours.
There is a cake the size
of a truck in the garage.
The orchestra is
setting up out on the lawn.
I have been wrangling
various species of
vicious birds for 24 hours.
You cannot tell me
this wedding is off.
Dad, it's just
really not for us.
Um..
Zoe's in the hospital.
What happened?
I don't know.
They didn't say.
She was spending
the night at Francis's.
Oh God.
The last thing she said
before she left was that...
I don't love her.
What did you say?
I said, she makes
it hard sometimes.
Okay, bro.
It's going to be okay.
Also you re driving right now,
so I really need you
to look at the road.
That was Francis's grandmother.
She said Zoe
jumped off the roof.
She's under anesthetic right
now so we can't see her yet.
But the nurse wants us to bring
her clothes and insurance card
and maybe a stuffed animal
or something to cheer her up.
Most of Zoe's stuffed animals
have parted
ways with their heads
so I don't know
how cheerful that is.
What else would
make her happy?
I know.
Go, go, go.
Goddamn it!
We need to go to Good
Samaritan Hospital, pronto.
I'm here to drive newlyweds
to the airport.
You are not a newlywed.
No, we are.
Hey, hey!
I do weddings. Not funerals!
You take a right on Cornell!
No no no, take
the freeway, it's faster!
I am a professional chauffeur
and I do not
tolerate back seat driving!
No, no, no, no, no.
Hey, hey!
You cannot park here.
It's an emergency.
We have an injured child.
Okay, well let's get him inside.
Why is he already in a coffin?
You cannot
bring that in here!
It's for my daughter.
You don't
understand, sir.
Your daughter's not dead.
I ain't dead yet.
My apologies, ma am.
I was trying to tell you, sir
your daughter has been
moved to the recovery wing.
She is very much alive.
Now you re going to
have to take that downstairs.
That is not the kind of
thing we find uplifting here.
She was lucky.
She hit the edge of a trampoline
and rolled off into soft shrubs.
Had she hit the ground,
she might not have made it.
I don't know if you can
hear me right now, but um..
I just wanted to
let you know that
your coffin is waiting for you.
Okay?
It's here whenever
you re ready to use it.
I feel like Lu's dad
could be a mummy.
I was thinking
more like a vampire.
But he's pale, like a mummy.
Vampires are pale.
Look at the way those
veins pop out of his forehead.
Like a vampire.
But mummies are easy.
Just wrap him
up in toilet paper.
Francis, how are
we going to wrap him
in toilet paper
without him noticing?
Next?
Oh, mine's not real.
You go ahead.
Zilla?
We all bought
presents for Zoe.
Nobody ever
brings me presents.
Mm mm.
That's so nice.
But she's still asleep.
We ll put them in the coffin
and she can enjoy them
when she wakes up. Okay?
Me first.
I brought maggots.
Fake blood.
I mean, I know she just
had real blood transfusions.
So she might not
need it until later.
A shriveled hand.
Edible eyeballs.
False teeth.
Wait a second.
Mom, do you have an extra pair?
Um, it's a colander.
We got it for
Zilla and Lu, but...
Liver.
This should
probably be refrigerated.
Pickled fingers.
I noticed her supply in the
refrigerator was dwindling
and I don't want to know why
so here's a replacement.
Y'all are sick.
Francis.
Why did Zoe jump?
For our horror film.
We needed the
footage for the ending.
It wasn't because of me?
Why would it be?
I thought maybe it was
because I yelled at her.
Ugh.
Typical parental narcissism.
Your daughter is a very
dedicated horror devotee.
Why would she end herself
two days before the deadline
without good reason?
What deadline?
Ready?
I'd also be willing
to wear the blue taffeta
- with rhinestones.
- Who are you, Liberace?
If Pat gets to wear
that, I want to wear this.
This is not just choose
your favorite gender day!
There are Rules!
Roooooaaaarr!
Aaaaaahhhh!
Mom! Mom!
Zoe!
It's okay.
Oh my God.
Awooooooo!!!
Everybody be quiet.
We re going to have a
Nice Family Event!
Zoe, did you..
Shave this dog?
I asked you to
represent the family
and they ended up in jail.
Why is Francis here?
Why is Francis always here?
Zoe!
What the hell do
you think you re doing?
It's not enough that you re
ruining your sister's wedding?
Aaaaahhh!
Woooaaaahhh!
Aaaaahhh!
Aaaaahhh! Aaaaahhh!
A paper cut!
Francis, you re
kind of in the way here.
Oh my God.
What happens next?
We haven't
written it yet.
Well! It was really
quite good, wasn't it?
Really captured my
impression of the whole wedding.
She's certainly
an odd child, isn't she?
I- I've tried to
make her normal.
Why bother?
She's great
the way she is.
You don't think she'd be better
playing with, you know, dolls..
Instead of human skulls?
Dad, you can give Zoe
all the dolls you want but..
She's going to
murder all of them.
People have to be who they are.
And we should
embrace them for that.
What are we going
to do about the wedding?
Well, we have a catered
banquet spoiling in the kitchen
a wedding no one wants
set up on the back lawn and..
About $10,000 worth of
flowers that are probably dead.
Poor Zoe.
She's going to be devastated
when she wakes
up in the hospital.
Guys.
I know a way we
could fix both problems.
Why can't I just walk?
You know you need
to stay off your feet.
Stupid cast.
I don't want to hear you
complaining about your cast.
People who jump off
roofs end up in casts
and they re lucky
they re not dead.
Now your sister's
getting married
and I want you to be
at your best behavior.
I want you to pretend
to be a normal, polite child.
Oh, Francis dropped
off your video camera.
I don't need it anymore.
What are you talking about?
You need to film
your sister's wedding.
I don't want to.
You either switch on the camera
or I'm going upstairs and
grabbing your flower girl dress.