Well, well, well.
What do we have here? A whale?
Oh, boy.
Will you get your hands off me?
Okay, God. All right, fine.
- What do you say, Harry?
- Hey there, Joe. How you doing?
Frida?
- Hey, Mr. Miller.
- Brian. Brian!
Hey, look, it's Frida.
Just got out of his acting class.
God damn it,
get your ass out of the car, dipshit.
Jeez, Dad, anger management.
- Hey, Frida.
- Hey, Brian.
Well, hey there, stranger.
When did you get back?
- Like, a month ago.
- A month?
So the hotshot Princeton girl has no time
to say hey to us island folk, huh?
He's just teasing, sweetie.
Brian, did you see Frida, honey?
- She's like, four feet in front of me.
- Actually,
I'm taking a bit of a break
from Princeton, so...
- Dropping out, huh?
- So, you're gonna be around?
- You and... We should...
- It's just a hiatus. I don't know.
Dad kind of needs me
at the restaurant, and...
Great, yeah.
Well, lookit, Frida, honey,
I've been wanting to tell you how awful
that whole mess over in Iraq is.
I always vote...
We always vote Democrat
in every election and...
What the hell are you talking about,
we always vote Democrat?
- I don't vote for no pussies.
- Joe!
Look, Frida's glad we're bringing
democracy to her home country.
Am I right, Frida?
Actually, I'm not from Iraq.
- What's that?
- I'm from right here.
It's my dad who's from Iran.
- Iran.
- Iran.
Well, I think it's just a tragedy.
All that blood for a little bit of oil.
You know what?
It's always a pleasure seeing you guys,
but I gotta get going.
Well, take care now, Frida.
- Bye, Frida.
- Say goodbye, Brian.
That guy doesn't like his burger.
It's not done enough.
They're always complaining, these people.
Hi.
How's it hanging, Mr. Abbas?
I'm ready to wash me some dishes. Wow.
It looks really nice back here.
Did you do that?
What the fuck do you think about it?
You can just come to work
anytime you want to?
- Band practice ran a little late and...
- Band practice ran a little late?
I don't care
if the band practice ran a marathon.
You come here to work on time.
Yeah, I mean,
- you know I respect the grill, man.
- No.
You Americans just dance around
with happy, happy,
and your goddamn bacon cheeseburger.
Derek, you're fired!
Okay, wow.
Hi.
- Here you go. Well, thanks, Cheryl.
- Sure thing.
Say, listen, I have just one question for you.
What's that?
Are you ready
for the future of Port Gamble?
Cheryl, we have got some big plans
coming up for the next term.
Yeah, well, this is probably
as good a time as any to tell you
I'm running against you, Mayor Burton.
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi, how you doing?
- How you doing today?
- Vote Burton.
Well... Miss Banks.
- See you on the campaign trail.
- Count on it.
Hey, Sam. Vote Burton.
God
is not a product.
He is not a television show.
He's not a can of processed meat.
God cannot be purchased cheaply
at the Wal-Mart.
We have to earn God through our deeds,
rising in his estimation, as we hope
to rise to paradise in the afterlife.
But the people in this country
are possessed
with a madness,
with betrayal,
with greed.
Aborted little babies.
Islamic terrorists.
Homosexuals getting married.
Friends, these sins
are but temporary delights in this world.
But they are a ticket straight to hell
in the next!
God
is watching.
And God will strike back soon.
Amen.
Amen!
That's it for today, brothers and sisters.
Remember, tonight's bingo night.
I made $50 last month.
This was not a good idea, Lance.
- Come on, Tom.
- Lance.
- I told you to ease up on all the queerisms.
- No, no, no, no, no, what? The queerisms?
I do what I want, when I want,
and I think you know that, Thomas.
Look, this is not Manhattan, all right?
Things are different out here.
Okay, fine, I understand your point.
But we've talked about this over and over.
We're gonna go have dinner
with your mama.
We'll come out over dessert, together,
and when it's done,
we'll head back on the boat,
go back east, and we will be free, Tom.
I mean, it's gonna be great. No more guilt.
Okay? No more dodging family holidays.
You know, no more deep, dark secrets
that we're keeping from everyone we know.
It's not a big deal.
I'm looking around, I like what I see.
- This is a cool town, come on.
- Cool?
- Cool? Cool?
- What?
- All right, I got your cool right here.
- What?
Gary Prince, my first love.
- He came out when he was 17.
- High school.
He was just beautiful.
He had this light in his eyes.
I always meant to let him know
how I felt about him,
but after he came out,
they shipped him off to a straight camp
somewhere in the Midwest.
They told him God would see him through.
What he was put through
at that Straight Acres, I'll never know.
But I swear he was like a zombie
when he came back.
Tom!
Thought that was Tom Hunt.
- Ms. Banks?
- Yeah. Look at you.
- What have you been up to?
- Well, you know, just doing Wall Street.
- How about you?
- Still teaching high school,
but not for much longer.
Right, sorry. Ms. Banks, this is my... Lance.
- Lance.
- I see. Very nice to meet you, Lance.
- Tom, this is so great. You're finally out.
- What?
You mean out of this town.
Yeah, I finally made it.
Well, Tom,
I'm very proud of you.
You can take that for what it's worth, okay?
- I should get back to my run.
- Thank you, Ms. Banks.
See you guys around, yeah?
- Reverend Haggis?
- Come in.
- Mayor Burton.
- Don't get up, Reverend Haggis.
Great sermon today, really great.
That second hour, faultless.
Thank you. I worked quite a bit
about that part about the abortion clinic.
Just the way that they're taking
the responsibility away from...
She's running against me.
- Banks is running against me.
- Banks?
She's a godless jezebel.
Well, Teddy, with all due respect,
- so is half the island.
- I know.
Truth be told, it's probably more than half.
Port Gamble has changed.
I mean, did you see that turnout today?
It's Sunday morning, for pity's sake.
It's God's prime time to shine.
Remember the 90s, Teddy?
Clinton was our go-to scapegoat.
We had the fishing industry.
Tourists by the hundreds.
We had two services on Sunday
and one on Wednesday.
I used to...
I used to say things of consequence.
I used to... I used to move people.
I don't know.
Hey, now, you still move them.
There may not be as many.
But believe me, they're all yours.
I just wish half of them
had as much devotion as you do.
Yeah, well,
I am your number one fan after all.
I know, Hal.
Things will pick up.
You wanna pray?
- You shouldn't pray in the front room, Dad.
- Don't start again, Frida.
- Dad, don't start.
- If you think you're going out
dressed like that,
you are insane.
Dad, I don't have time to change.
I'm going out.
With whom? With your pimp?
Dad, this is the way people dress
when they go on a date.
A date?
Is it Hamid?
Yeah, Dad, the one-brow wonder?
Yeah, that'd be a great date, wouldn't it?
You just don't like Hamid
because he's one of us.
It's truth, Frida.
- You're ashamed of who you are.
- You know what? You just hate Derek
- because he's not Iranian.
- Derek?
Derek Blaine?
The same guy that I fired today?
- You fired Derek today?
- You're surprised?
What happened to you, jelly-belly?
Quitting Princeton,
coming back to this bullshit place,
giving your time to nobodies?
Please, Dad,
you have no idea who I really am.
This, Frida, this is who you are.
You're part of the real culture,
real history.
You're Iranian. You're from the good family.
And one day,
you take our restaurant national.
But I don't want that. I've never wanted that.
I've seen what that place does to you.
All you do is work.
Who do you think this is all for?
I didn't make chicken-fried steak
for 20 years so you could be one of them.
What do you think your mother would say?
- I'm coming out, coming out, coming out.
- You are coming out.
- Can't believe it. Coming out.
- This is the day. I'm so excited for you.
It's gonna be so good.
It's gonna be a great dinner.
- This is crazy.
- Fuck.
Tom, sweetheart.
Honey.
I think now might be a good time
to stick to the plan
that we've discussed over and over again
because look where we are.
It's your house. Your mom's inside.
I don't understand
why you can't just figure it out.
- Because we're here.
- Okay, okay.
- And we came from the east coast.
- Okay, okay.
- What is the... No.
- She could happily live her whole life
- without ever knowing.
- Hey, but guess what? We're here right now.
This is who you are,
and she needs to know about it.
Wouldn't next year be a better year?
It's the Year of the Cock, I think.
Look at this.
Last year, you were "too busy."
And the year before that,
you dad had just died.
- And the year before that...
- Okay. Okay.
- I can't even keep track.
- All right, all right.
It's like, what is your deal?
You know what? Just come here.
Just walk with me. Come on.
This is... It's the time. This is the time.
Let's go. Come on.
- Wait.
- What?
What about your dad?
You never told me how your dad reacted.
It's not important. Let's go. Come on.
Come on.
- Frida!
- Derek, what the fuck?
- Hey, Freed. You ready?
- I don't know.
- Your dad?
- He means well.
It's just, he's just old-fashioned.
Yeah, old-fashioned my foot up his ass.
So that's it, huh? I'm ditched for the night
because of your dad?
Frida, when are you gonna realize
that you can't just let him control you
like that for your whole life?
It's like that song that I wrote,
Life Is a Rocky Road.
You know, where the guy
goes into the ice cream store
to buy himself some Rocky Road,
but then he realizes there's like
all these other flavors.
- You just got to find your flavor, girl.
- I have a flavor.
Just no one likes it.
- I like your flavor.
- You certainly do.
And I was just standing in line,
waiting for my latte,
when he just bent over
and he bit me on the arm.
Just like that.
And after I bought
three boxes of Girl Scout cookies
from that chubby little troll
of a granddaughter of his.
- God, that is awful.
- Mr. Chambers bit you. That is so weird.
Port Gamble is not what it used to be, dear.
I mean, it's just not safe
to go out on the streets anymore.
Well, really, Mom,
I'm just glad you're all right.
Well, thank you for your concern, dear.
So, Mrs. Hunt, I have been dying to know
what this handsome little devil was like
as a youngster.
Well, he was sort of an oddball.
- An oddball.
- Yeah.
Didn't have much luck with the ladies.
- Really?
- He really didn't.
And he was horrible at sports.
Guess you could say that, well,
he just didn't pan out.
- You know, I did pull six figures last year.
- Of course you did, dear.
Now don't get so defensive.
Now, his father on the other hand...
Now, there was a rock.
He was one of the last real men.
Yeah, until you got through with him.
Such a drama queen.
The medicines just don't seem
to be cutting it.
- Should we just call it a night?
- Mrs. Hunt,
are we still up for dessert, or...
Yes, yes, of course. Dessert, dessert.
I made your favorite.
- Ladyfingers?
- Ladyfingers.
Ladyfingers? You're such a fag, Tom.
Do you know where my lighter went?
What do you think, Freed?
- It's about me.
- See, I knew you'd get it.
- Does the song say I'm like a cheetah?
- Yeah. Yeah, that's my favorite line, too.
I mean, I know it's not like
Radiohead or anything, you know? But...
God!
- You dad?
- Yeah.
Dude, I heard you got fired today.
How stupid do you have to be to get fired
from washing dishes, D-Bone?
Well, you know, it's just your dad
is just such a total asshole.
Yeah, right, because it's not like
he's trying to run a business or anything.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Are you standing up for your father?
- No.
Are you angry?
You are. You're pissed off.
God, you're just like your father
underneath all that, aren't you?
Gross!
Man, all you Iraqis are so pissed off
all the time.
You're, like, the third person today
to call me Iraqi. You know that?
Maybe it's because you have
such a perfect l-rack.
- Wow. That is so dumb of you to say.
- Or, you know, whatever, Middle Eastern.
Why do you people always take things
so Syria-sly?
I don't know, but I do know
that there is Norway
you are getting into these panties tonight.
I'm not... I'm not from Norway.
I'm American.
So am I, dumb shit.
Why does everybody think
I'm supposed to be this...
Hey, hey, whoa, Kuwait a minute, all right?
Now, you know I'm just joking, right?
You're right. I'm a dick.
You've been having a rough night,
and I'm being insensitive.
Look, man, I'm just Frida. That's it.
Why does everybody want me to be
whatever it is that they think I am, anyway?
I can't even have a normal conversation
with anybody.
I know, you're right.
I mean, you think that just 'cause I'm a real
American I don't run into this kind of shit?
I know what people think about me.
I know they think I'm just some total hack
who's never gonna write a good song.
So, I make jokes, you know. It's...
What do you call it?
It's a defense mechanism.
But I...
I love you, Frida. With a capital "L."
You're my lady.
That's my blood! Oh, God.
Oh, my God!
I can't do this.
Okay, Tom, you can do this.
- I can't.
- You can do this.
- I can't.
- You can, just say it.
"Mom, I'm gay."
- Mom?
- Yes, Thomas?
I'm...
- I'm thinking about...
- Stop, stop, okay?
That's fine. You have to start smaller.
So, just try,
"Mom, I have something to tell you."
Mom, I have something to tell you.
"I'm gay." Go.
I'm...
Life is filled with twists and turns.
I'm gay, Mom!
Mom?
Mom, I'm gay.
A homo, and a pretty good one, too.
- I suck dick, Mom.
- Sometimes.
Mom. Mom?
Mom?
Mom, I was born that way.
- It's nobody's fault.
- Mrs. Hunt, just calm down.
Look, if it's any consolation, he's the top.
- I receive.
- No, Mom, wait.
Mrs. Hunt, what are you doing?
Get off of him. What...
- Oh, my God. What the fuck is up her ass?
- I don't know. I'll get her meds.
Jesus, Mrs. Hunt. Her eyes!
Tom, get in here. Her eyes.
Mom, take these pills. Come on.
Mrs. Hunt, I'm not afraid to use this.
Mom, what are you doing?
Oh, God! Oh, God.
God!
That is how my dad reacted.
- Oh, God!
- Help!
Mommy ate Daddy.
I'm gonna take you home with me, okay?
My house is just across the street.
- What's your name, sweetie?
- Lisa.
Lisa, everything is going to be okay.
All right?
Nothing bad is going to happen to you.
I promise, okay?
Okay, let's go.
There's me on Santa's lap.
There's Dad in front of the old house.
Yeah? Dad? Remember? Carl?
Here.
No, no, okay.
No, she did not just eat her own eye.
Thomas, we are getting the fuck up
off this island.
Tom.
Get over here now.
News. News. Turn on the news.
- Nothing. Wait.
...no precedent in the history of our world.
Now tonight, in the normally quiet
island town of Port Gamble,
they are in the throes of a viral attack,
which purportedly turns its victims into,
well, what can be best described
as zombies.
Now these zombies have been described
as pale and slow moving,
with milky white eyes.
So, be on the lookout for these zombies.
They're all around you at this time...
Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad, let me in!
- Frida, hurry. Come over here. Hurry, hurry.
- Dad! Dad!
Hurry, hurry. Come over here. Come on.
Come on, get over here, hurry. Hurry, get in.
Frida.
God! No! No!
- Get away from the door, honey.
- Oh, God!
God damn you, zombie.
He bit me. Oh, my God.
Look at this, he bit me. Oh, God!
Zombie bastard!
God.
If you look at the evidence,
of which there's very little,
there is no conclusive proof that this was
a terrorist act...
Not conclusive? Son, you're about
a river short of a glass of water.
- The people...
- I, for one, believe
that our President has
spread our defense resources entirely...
Gentlemen, gentlemen, we'll not get
any words in here edgewise.
- One at a time, please. Let's not...
- That's ignorant.
People of Port Gamble, get your guns
and your bombs and start exercising
your God-given right to exercise
your God-given right.
Okay, I repeat, we need to get the fuck up
out of here.
I know, but what about Mom?
You can't encourage the citizens to go
around and blow up everything in sight...
- I hear a lot of noise in the background.
- Irresponsible...
Mom?
You are an absolute idiot.
Why did I agree to do this show?
We're not getting anywhere, here. I'm done.
Just shut that thing off.
Mom.
Shoot... Shoot her.
- Come on!
- I can't. Just run.
- Brian, did you board up the house?
- Everything but the back door.
- We'll leave the back door open for an exit.
- But what about Mom?
- I'll take care of you, Judy. Come on.
- Oddly enough, it doesn't hurt that bad.
Sort of numb and tingly.
Sweet Jesus, here we go. Crying Brian.
That's you in a pickle.
Look, we got plenty of water.
And we went to the superstore,
so we got Ramen and beans and shit.
I didn't have half of that growing up
and I turned out better for it.
Brian, you gotta learn self-reliance.
You think the government gives a shit
about you or me or your mother?
Look, I don't know about the next life,
but in this one,
a man has gotta learn
to take care of himself.
But... But what about Mom?
The United States is under attack.
Terrorists have managed to unleash
a virus.
The likes of which has
no precedent in the history of our world.
- Now tonight...
- Dad.
Brian, so help me God, I will plunder you
if you open your mouth again.
- But Mom!
- Your mom is made of tougher stuff
than you think.
It's just a bite from a zombie.
...as zombies.
What?
The White House has issued a statement
attributing the attack
to the infamous terrorist leader,
Mohammed Mustafa.
Citing the following videotape message,
which surfaced on Christmas Eve
of last year.
For years you Americans have terrorized
our people, insulted Allah and our culture.
You tried to destroy us...
Again with the Muslims.
Dad, she was bitten. Haven't you ever
seen a zombie movie before?
Brian, you know I'm a vampire man.
Now get your head in the game,
for Christ's sake.
Mr. Miller, I left my purse
in my dead boyfriend's car.
Could I just use your phone
to call my dad?
You tried to destroy us and yet we live.
You tried to devour us and yet
you will devour yourselves.
Dad she's going to turn into a zombie.
Dad, we have to tie her up
or she could attack us.
Tying her up ain't gonna do it.
This is the infamous terrorist leader,
Mohammed Mustafa,
- who swore...
- We gotta throw her out.
- She's threatening our family.
...who reportedly brought the zombies in...
What are you talking about?
Mom is our family.
I'm not talking about Mom.
...instructions on the things
that you'll need to do...
- Frida.
- Steps one, two and three
we will take you through. Stay with us.
- What?
- Jesus, Brian, look at the necklace.
Now look at the TV.
...places for you to call,
places for you to go.
- No, no, no, no.
- She's one of them.
- Mr. Miller, this is a pendant my mom...
- Brian, we gotta throw her out.
- Throw me out? Are you crazy?
- Some of us gotta give up certain rights
- to stay safe.
- No, Dad, no.
- Throwing her out there is murder.
- Mr. Miller, I was born and raised here.
Now, think about it? Princeton?
Who knows where she's really been.
And Ali, how is he able to make such
a success of the cafe when I couldn't,
and I busted my ass?
And speaking of the cafe, who are the only
people in town who refuse to eat there?
You, me, Mom,
and we're not infected. Coincidence?
- Mom is infected.
- I think not.
Oh, God! Oh, God!
- Fuck, yeah!
- Hey.
Hold on. Hold on.
Okay. I'm ready.
Dad, I'm telling you,
we should be tying up Mom.
Brian, okay? Okay, Brian?
Frida, I'm gonna ask you some questions.
- Jesus Christ, Dad, come on.
- Brian, so help me God.
God. No. Mr. Miller, this is fucking crazy.
You've known me for years.
This pendant belonged to my mom.
Frida, I want you to relax.
We will bring you no harm.
- Okay.
- What's the color of the US passport?
- What the fuck does that have to do...
- Frida, I will throw you to the zombies!
- Okay, blue. Blue.
- Okay.
Okay. Okay. See? See? Okay.
I would have said dark blue!
- Dad.
- No. Okay, dark blue.
- Too late.
- Dark blue.
Listen up, why does the US flag have...
Thirteen stripes?
Because they represent
the original 13 colonies.
Correct.
But most American high school graduates
wouldn't know that.
- Dad!
- So...
What do you know about making bombs?
Yeah, nice shot.
There's one by the car. Gun!
Yeah!
Yeah, how do you like that?
Come on.
Oh, God. Hey, it's a rescue chopper.
We're saved.
It's not a rescue chopper.
That's the Channel 8 News.
Come on, can't you see us? Stop!
Come on!
Hey, come on, give us a ride, man!
Fuck!
God, she was, like, eight.
Come on, yeah!
We've got to hole up somewhere.
- We can't keep this up.
- It's dying, it's dying.
- Let's go.
- Okay, this way.
Mr. Lucio, you gotta let us in.
Come on, there are zombies.
- No, no, no, don't shoot. Please, let us in.
- Don't, don't, just open the door.
- Please let us in.
- What are you doing?
- Open the door!
- What are you doing?
- Come on.
- Mr. Lucio.
What?
You homophobe.
Oh, say, can you see
by the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed
at the twilight's last gleaming...
No, no, no! It's a C for shit's sake.
Okay, Frida,
assuming I'm calling you by your real name.
I want you to eat this ham.
- Where did you get...
- You hesitated.
No, no, no. Okay, I'll eat it. I'll eat it. Just...
Shit. Did that count?
Why the fuck would terrorists choose
to attack Port Gamble?
Exactly, why would terrorists
attack Port Gamble?
- Right. Why?
- That's what I'm asking you.
- No, that's what I'm answering.
- No, no, I'm the one who should...
You should say... Get out of my head!
You're cunning as a cheetah, girl.
Yeah. Yeah, but I'm gonna get what I need.
- Watch her, I'll be right back.
- Dad. Holy shit,
if you're gonna torture her, I am not just
gonna sit there and let it happen.
Just showing her the torture device
ought to do it.
Do what?
She'll just admit to whatever you tell her to.
- Exactly.
- But if she has nothing to admit to...
You are not gonna deter me
from my God-given right as an American.
- Dad, you're from Canada.
- Not anymore.
Just try to think of it
from Frida's perspective.
Safety first, Brian. Work shed.
What did you do to my Frida?
Frida! Where are you, sweetheart?
Derek, Derek Blaine? Come.
Come to Daddy, you fucking piece of shit!
Casey!
No, Casey. No, Casey. No!
No!
Where is Frida, God damn it?
Can you speak English?
Casey.
You son of a bitch.
This is for you, Frida!
Get away from me, you zombies.
- Miss Banks, over here.
- Come on, over here.
- Come on.
- Come on.
Come on.
B12, B12, Vitamin B12,
ladies and gentlemen.
Anybody, Vitamin B12.
How many sheets, dearie.
You got to be kidding, lady.
There's zombies and shit outside.
- Guys, help me! Help me.
- Come on.
Did you not just hear me, man? Zombies.
You can't go out there, sir.
You don't understand.
I think I do. Good evening, gentlemen.
No, no, no.
Don't go out there. No, no.
Mrs. Rutherford,
and how does the evening find you?
I'll tell you, old girl, I hope I'm not being
too forward. If you...
That's my blood.
What are you doing? What are you doing?
Mr. Weatherbee needs our help.
You cannot go out there, Reverend.
You cannot.
Reverend, turn on the outside lights.
All right, everyone stay calm.
- Stay away from the windows.
- And dim the lights.
Bingo night has been canceled.
- We're gonna need some hammers.
- And boards.
Thank you, Mayor,
I think I know what this is.
- I've got to consult some tomes.
- Tomes?
Wikipedia. I'll be right back.
There's cookies on the back table
and lemon drink.
Oh, God. Brian, oh, God, come on.
You've known me since we were kids.
It doesn't make any sense.
Frida, just play along with him
or something.
- Play along? I'm supposed to sit here...
- He's just trying to scare you.
- He won't actually do anything.
- No fucking way, Brian.
- He's all talk.
- Just let me go. Please, just let me go.
- Just tell him what he wants to hear.
- What? That I am a terrorist?
That I got a fucking
ticking zombie bomb in my bra?
There is no right answer for him.
You're right.
So, why don't you just let me go?
Come on, set me free.
I want to be free, Brian.
I mean, we're neighbors, right?
And I've always felt, like, something
around you,
and I know that we haven't played fort
or hung out or anything like that,
but I've been watching you.
Seriously.
I even saw that play that you invited me to.
So...
So, do you think that...
I don't know, that you think
that maybe you and I...
Yeah. Yeah,
but not if your dad fucking tortures me.
Right? So, here, get me out.
Just let me go. Come on, come on.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Come on, come on.
Don't you think it would be a good idea
if those demons would just
feed upon one another?
I know, I know, honey, but just hang tight.
I'll come for you in the morning, promise.
Well, just apply pressure to it.
Yeah, I know, Mom. Yes, Mom, I know.
Now look, they're totally blowing it
way out of proportion. It's not...
Yeah, just trust me, we're cool. It's fine.
"Did Tom come out?"
That is a fantastic question.
Let me think about that for a sec.
Kind of. He sort of did.
We kind of got interrupted by his mom.
Oh, God, you should have been there.
For this one part, he was, like,
"I suck dick, Mom." He was so... It was cute.
He was good. He was funny.
Okay. All right, love. Later, babe.
Hey, just while we're here,
will you try to act straight?
- Like what? Like how? What?
- Straight.
You know, straight.
'Cause that's straight, right?
- Well, straighter than you.
- Damn straight, you're straighter than me,
- but I still love you.
- No, no, no.
Brothers and sisters,
the Mayor and I would like to
take this opportunity
to welcome the newcomers to our church
and to Armageddon.
This is it. This is Judgment Day.
This is the day that I've been
telling you about all my life.
It's a time when Christ will separate
the righteous
from the sinners,
and the pure will inherit the earth.
Make no mistake, folks.
It is not a coincidence that Judgment Day
fell upon us when we were all here,
safe in His house of worship.
Because out there are the sinners.
The Unitarians, the gays, the pro-choicers
the doomed, the demons
that have resided in their souls
have emerged to possess their minds
and their bodies.
This is the night where
Christ will come down...
What about my brother?
Casey was a good man,
one of your most devoted followers,
and now he's
one of them.
And you're saying it's because he's evil?
It's probably an environmental illness
from all the toxins in Port Gamble.
I mean, think about it,
sweats, gray skin, runny noses?
Miss Banks. Cheryl.
Casey was a good man.
But his closet is not without
a skeleton or two.
- Isn't that true?
- You son of a bitch.
Couldn't it be possible that Casey's virus
was not the result
of some scientific mumbo jumbo?
But in fact, took hold
because Casey's life was filled
- with sin and misdeeds.
- Look, we do not have time for this.
We have to zombie-proof this entire area.
Larry, Tom, Lance,
board up all the windows.
These things could break
right through the glass.
Mrs. Happenstance, Clive,
take an inventory of our food supply.
How long can we stay alive in here? Go.
Miss Banks is absolutely right.
But she's forgotten one important step.
We have to zombie-proof our souls.
We have to free ourselves
of every last trace of sin.
I will absolve each of you
to make sure you do not become
one of them.
No, no, no. Have no fear, friends,
for we have history's greatest
zombie on our side,
Jesus Christ.
Mr. Miller, Joe, Joe, I'm not a terrorist.
I am not a terrorist.
I'm your neighbor. Joe?
Joe! Joe!
- Silence!
- No! No!
- Jesus Christ!
- Brian. For God's sake!
All right, Frida,
you got one more shot at this.
Now what the fuck is going on?
You're out of your fucking mind.
That's what's going on.
Come on, Frida. Let's hear it, baby.
Come on!
- God!
- Shit! My bad.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Okay, everyone. If you could just
grab a seat, I'll give you all a status report.
As you know, we are under siege
by a gang of flesh-hungry cannibals.
- Hey, are you all right?
- Sure.
- But I think we're gonna miss the last ferry.
- Yeah.
- Speaking of fairy, how's my straight act?
- Yeah, good.
You've gone from a Richard Simmons
to a Tom Cruise.
We've got at least a makeshift weapon
for everyone,
including a couple of guns
that Larry saw fit to bring to church.
Hey, I come prepared, honey.
I'll donate what I have,
except for little Billy, here.
I absolutely condemn the use of guns,
so please, be careful.
You betcha.
There's only one other matter we need to
attend to, and that is Mayor Burton.
I think it's become pretty obvious
that Mayor Burton has the zombie sickness,
- and I, for one, think that we should...
- Wait a minute, Cheryl.
I can personally attest to the Mayor's purity
and strength of his everlasting soul.
Reverend Haggis,
I'm not attacking Mayor Burton's character
or validity of your theory.
I'm just saying, look at him.
He's got yellow eyes.
- I've got glaucoma.
- Gray skin.
- I've got eczema.
- I'm not suggesting anything drastic here.
I'm just saying that we should employ
a little quarantine until we know
- whether or not you...
- Just a minute. I built this town.
I've been mayor since this island
was a couple of cabins and a campground.
I'm scandal-free.
My closets have no skeletons.
- Again, I am not attacking your character...
- What have you accomplished?
A failed marriage. Your students' test
scores drop lower and lower every year.
- You could be a lesbian for all we know.
- Mayor Burton, listen to yourself!
You're tarnishing the reputation
of one of our best teachers
just so you can stay out of quarantine.
I mean, you're clearly a grunt away
from becoming one of them,
and you wanna sit there
and put the rest of us in danger.
Yeah, motherfucker!
How your retarded ass got to be mayor
is beyond me!
Bitch!
My God! Did you hear that echo?
That was great. I just called him bitch.
That was fucking awesome.
Shit, here he comes. Fuck him up, Tom.
Son, can I just ask you
to unzip your jacket?
Let's stick to the issue.
- Hal, no. No.
- Hiding something there, Tom?
I'm with him, huh?
I'm with him.
Folks, this here is a war.
On one side, you've got your pure.
On the other,
sinners soon to become zombies.
And we all gotta take sides.
What side are you on, Tom?
- Throw the faggots out!
- Throw the faggots out!
- Quiet.
- They don't belong here.
- Quiet down.
- Get the faggots out of here.
Now, shame on you.
- How dare you?
- Haggis.
No, Hal.
This is absolutely wrong.
They are children of God.
You're as bad as those monsters outside.
Shame. Shame on every one of you.
We just have to convert them.
Dad? Dad?
Dad?
Dad?
Dad?
Dad.
Jelly belly?
Frida!
I'm so sorry, Dad. I'm sorry I left.
- That's okay.
- I'm so sorry.
That's okay.
Dad, everyone's dead. Derek's dead.
You're right.
I ran every street to find you.
Now I can rest.
It's all over.
- Everything I worked for.
- No.
- It's all gone.
- It's okay.
Everything will still be standing
when this is over.
The pizza man tries to get even,
but I took care of him.
The boy is fired.
You know it.
No. No, boys, don't worry.
We don't even use
the electric coils anymore.
- Electric coils?
- No, it is totally humane. Really.
We have some footage of
homosexual images, which you'll watch,
and we'll inject you with an IV drip...
- I'm right behind you.
...which will make you nauseous.
No.
Boys, I'm sorry, I'm not very good
at explaining the conversion machine,
but it works. I swear it works.
- And it's absolutely painless.
- Look, we'll just go, okay?
- We'll just...
- No. No. No, I can't let you go outside.
It's too dangerous out there.
Look, this is the same machine we used
on Gary Prince. You remember him, Tom?
He was a perfect angel
when we were done with the treatment.
Oh, God!
That's the spirit! Now if you'll just
follow me to the conversion room.
Room? You have a conversion room?
Well, it's my office, actually. But when
we're done, you'll be like one of us.
- You'll be free.
- Stop struggling, fruit lips.
- It's for your own good.
- Ted, I am not gonna let you
torture those boys.
Open this door! Let me in!
Damn you! Let me in!
Hal?
- Hal?
- Open this door!
- Hal.
- You bastards! Let me in!
Hal, you wanna help me with Cheryl?
Reverend Haggis, please, have mercy.
Just let us out of here.
We'll be fine on our own, I swear.
You're all going straight to hell!
- You cocksucking motherfuckers!
- You just need to calm down.
When we are done here,
you are gonna know a life that is free
of the hardships of persecution and sin.
I feed off of persecution and sin!
There is so much more.
I am so excited. I haven't used this thing
since the glory days.
This is in case you vomit.
Hit him.
I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry.
This?
This is homoerotic?
You see, it's working already.
Open the door!
- Hal?
- Let me in!
You look under the weather, Hal.
Hal, hear that?
You don't look so good, Hal.
Would you like another cough drop?
All right, nobody move. Hands up!
I'll shoot him.
I swear on my mother's good name,
I'll paint these walls with his brains.
All right.
Number one, Clive, you untie Lance.
Then Haggis, number two,
open that door and let Miss Banks in.
All right. Everybody over in that corner.
Move. Move.
They're here to save us. It's over.
It's all over.
Come on, guys. Move.
No, Hal.
Hal.
- Forget it, Reverend. It's too late.
- No.
No, I can convert him, too.
The power of Christ can do anything.
I think we have some unfinished business
to attend to.
Bitch!
This time,
you're not gonna get away from me.
Frida!
Frida.
Frida, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Frida.
Frida. Frida!
Frida, I'm sorry. Please. Please, Frida.
- I forgive you.
- Frida, I'm sorry. I lost it, okay?
There's nothing wrong with you.
Frida!
No, get back, you fuckers.
Get back you dirty fuckers.
Hal, think about all we've done together.
We've worked together hard
to make this a better place.
Remember, Hal. Remember.
You wanna pray?
The power of Christ compels you to...
God, forgive me. I tried.
Oh, God. Get it off!
Here.
- No. No. No.
- Yeah, I know. Just take it.
No.
Miss Banks. Miss Banks!
Miss Banks!
Don't shoot. I'm gay.
And I'm Frida. Let's go.
Are you infected?
- No.
- No.
I'm standing here in the main square
of the now infamous Port Gamble,
where today at noon, a six-month
quarantine has come to its official end.
Now, although spirits are high
and we've learned much,
many questions remain.
Where is Mustafa and how was he able
to unleash the virus?
Is the virus curable, and most importantly,
could it ever re-emerge?
Even as the Port Gambleites celebrate,
many of their loved ones are being
carefully studied.
And it is hard to step out
from under the shadow
of the infected and the dead.
This is Dan Campbell, live at Port Gamble.
How was that?
I felt a couple of locks of hair move.
Was that just me or...
And most importantly...
- Thank you.
- Thank you. Bye.
- Hey, homos.
- Hey, jihad. Where you been?
Where do you think? Seventh circle of hell.
But I'm happy for you guys. New York, huh?
And unless our apartment's been robbed,
we'll always have a couch
for you to sleep on, okay?
A couch, Tom?
I'm sorry, Frida. You can sleep on the bed.
You saved our fucking lives. Tom, rude.
Frida, honey, listen.
The customers.
They don't know what the hell this says.
Velma, that's ghormeh sabzi.
Well I know that, Frida, honey.
It's just really not the time to put
Iraqi food on...
All right. You know what, Velma? Just...
If the customers don't wanna eat it,
then they won't order it. Okay, Velma?
Listen, Frida.
You've been cooped up in this place
for quite a while.
Why don't you get out?
Get some sun, get some air.
Guys.
No, I'm... I'm busy. Thanks.
It's your call.
Just, Frida, don't, you know,
get stuck in here or whatever.
- I won't.
- Yeah, and come visit.
All right? East coast.
I wanna see you out there.
I will. I will.
- Thanks, guys.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Call us.
Good afternoon, my fellow Port Gambleites.
Welcome to our first annual
Green Light Day.
Because we can't protect an island
or a country, for that matter,
on peace alone.
We need a stronger police force.
We need a homeland security presence
here, on the island.
Defense begins with you and me.
We must remain armed and vigilant
against any future threat.
We must be ready to report any and all
suspicious behavior.
Yes, we've suffered.
Yes, we've lost good people.
But let us honor their memory
by rising above the ashes of what was.
To forge a stronger Port Gamble,
united and alive.
And so, I invite you to take this first step
with me, as one people,
into the safe, clear waters
of our collective future.