Zotz!
Zotz?
What's Zotz?
One.
Two.
Three.
Uncle Jonathan.
Morning,
Uncle Jonathan.
Morning, darling.
Poison. Slow death.
Yes, but what
a way to go.
Straight sauerkraut juice!
How do you do it?
Very bracing.
You must try it sometime.
How's the wheat germ?
Sounds good.
Superb.
Oh, that must be the
mailman. No, I'll get it.
I'm expecting a journal of the
American Etymological Society.
Anything for me?
Just a postcard from your vacationing
parents. Hey, Venice, very pretty.
Nothing from Eddie?
Eddie? Who's Eddie?
You know very well who
Eddie is. Eddie Prentiss.
One of your brightest
pupils last term.
Prentiss. Prentiss.
The boy who won a fellowship and went on
an archaeological expedition to Uk... Uk...
Uh, Ukranistan?
Yes. That is from Eddie.
Only teasing you, darling.
Oh, look, a present.
It's a charm bracelet.
Mmm, it's very pretty. What
does Prentiss have to say?
Just a lot of personal
stuff. You know.
I know.
But he says
he'll be home soon.
They found the ruins
they were looking for.
Mmm. Excellent.
In fact, the charm on the
bracelet is some ancient coin
he found in a temple
they uncovered there.
It was attached to the right hand
of a gigantic stone idol, he says.
It's a relic from some ancient
civilization. Isn't that exciting?
Mmm.
"Shesh, shash. "
Shesh, shash.
Jones!
Morning, Kellgore.
You almost ran me down.
Oh, I'm very sorry.
But I didn't, did I?
No, but you came
awfully close.
Please accept my apologies,
old man. Shesh, shash.
Uh, what'd you say?
What? Say? Oh, nothing,
Kellgore, nothing.
Well, it sounded like
you said "shesh, shash. "
Oh, yes, I did.
Quite right.
Yes. Shesh, shash.
Morning, Kellgore.
Morning, Jones.
Good morning.
Good morning,
Professor.
Yesterday, we considered the
transmutation of certain words
from the Assyro Babylonic.
And we noted that the Assyro
Babylonic word for house, bitu,
appears in the
classical Hebrew as...
As what, Mr. Crane?
Uh, bayeth.
Well, almost right, Mr. Crane.
Thank you.
The correct pronunciation
is bayeth.
And who can tell us what form
the word takes in Aramaic?
Yes, Miss Blakiston?
Baytha.
Quite right, Miss Blakiston.
Thank you.
You could build a
tremendous edifice of error
based on the fact that the Hebrew
and Sanskrit words for "six"
are almost identical,
although wholly unrelated.
They are, if I may remind
you, shesh and shash.
Shesh, shash?
Uh, yes, sir. Right in the middle of
the campus, this morning. Shesh, shash.
Professor Kellgore, I don't
think we need worry ourselves.
Professor Jones is a very brilliant man
in the field of ancient Eastern languages,
as you are brilliant in the field
of modern European languages.
I think we can allow him a
few little peculiarities, hmm?
Sir, I'm sure that Professor Jones
is excellent in the classroom.
Well, then?
But his executive ability...
Could Saracen Valley
have a dean of language
who goes around
muttering "shesh, shash"?
Hmm. Well, I haven't
retired yet, Professor,
nor have I named
my successor.
It's still a choice between
you and Professor Jones.
Then you haven't
decided yet?
Not yet.
Then you'll take this "shesh,
shash" matter under consideration?
Oh, I will, I will.
Thank you, Professor.
Good morning.
Good morning, Dean.
Good morning.
Shesh, shash.
Uncle Jonathan?
Yes.
How was your day?
Oh, fine.
What's for dinner?
Filet of eggplant?
Filet of eggplant.
Medium rare?
Of course.
Ah!
Mmm.
Oh, pass the
monosodium glutamate, please.
Thank you.
Say, you know, dear, he really
shouldn't have sent this to you.
That's rightfully
the property of...
Why, it's Astyparaean!
Asty what?
Hey, that's mine.
Yes, yes, I know.
But if you don't...
It's from Eddie.
It's like a fraternity pin
or an engagement ring.
But you don't
understand, darling.
That inscription is in the
ancient Astyparaean language.
Am I supposed to
know what that is?
It's a language that's been
dead for over 5,000 years.
Why, there are only 10 men in the world
who can identify it, much less translate it.
And I can.
But...
Now, look, dear, maybe this
inscription is an ancient love poem.
Something Eddie would
want you to hear, hmm?
Well...
Ah, yes, of course.
"First graspeth thou the
sacred disk in thy left hand.
"Now cometh the
letting of, letting of... "
Letting of...
Blood, of course.
"Letting of blood.
"And the drinking...
Drinking of blood. "
"Now remaineth
only the pronouncing
"of the sacred...
"Sacred name of
the great god, Zotz!"
No! Please! Please!
Let me in!
Please! You can't leave me out
in this storm. Not like this.
Put this on quickly!
Oh. Thanks.
You're welcome.
Now, please go.
Like this?
Well, you can't stay here.
But I have to. It's the most amazing
thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm not going to embarrass you by asking
you how you got into this condition.
After all, I'm
a man of the world.
I was struck by lightning.
You were what?
Well, I was hurrying along, trying
to beat out this sudden storm, when...
Well, I think I was
struck by lightning.
Mmm. I have heard of cases
where people were struck
by lightning and had their clothes
torn off without hurting them.
Usually these people were
branded by the mark of the bolt.
I seem to be all right.
Oh, I'm glad to hear it.
But you can't stay here.
I mean, I'm a bachelor. I don't
have a wife. I'm not married.
Well, what can I do?
Do? What can
you do? I don't... My niece!
I'll wake her up. Uh, no.
She might think... I mean, not that
she'd have any real... I mean...
I'll go upstairs and get some of
her clothes. They'll probably fit.
I think you're about the same
size. Anyway, you wait right here.
Oh, I will. I will.
Uncle Jonathan?
Oh, it's all right, dear.
Go back to sleep.
Well, what...
Nothing. Just let it go.
There. Now, please go!
Well, can I put
them on first?
Oh, oh, yes, of course.
I'll, uh, turn my back.
Oh, thanks.
You haven't asked
me my name.
No, I haven't. Uh, I thought
it was better that way.
I agree.
Do they, uh, fit?
Most of them.
The shoes are
a little big, and the...
Something else is a little
small, but I'll get by.
What? Oh, yes.
You can turn around now.
Will I do?
Well, at least
you won't be cold.
I want to thank you.
Not only for what you did,
but for what
you're going to do.
Going to do?
Forget about this. Oh, yes,
yes, of course. Of course.
Oh, you'd better
take this with you.
Oh. Oh, no, it's stopped.
It has?
Why, so it has. Odd.
"So foul and fair
a day I have not seen. "
That's Shakespeare.
Macbeth, Act One, I know.
You do?
Uh-huh.
Well.
Good night.
Uh, good night.
Macbeth. Act One.
And there are other basic affinities
in the languages of this group.
For example, in all of
them, ancient and modern,
masculine nouns take a feminine number,
and vice versa, from three to 10.
Who can give us an example of
this grammatical idiosyncrasy?
Yes, Mr. Crane?
Are you all right, Mr. Crane?
Would you like to be excused?
Uh, no. I'm all right now.
Uh, it must have
been something I ate.
Uh, an example. The word
for "goat," for instance, is
masculine, but three
goats is feminine.
Oh, very good, Mr. Crane.
That's quite right.
And now, who can tell us in
what parts of the modern world
the Turkish
language is spoken?
Yes, Miss Blakiston.
Actually, although
it's not generally known,
Osmanli is the head of a
large family of tongues.
The Turkish language in its several
dialects is spoken from Central Persia to...
Is something wrong,
Professor Jones?
Uh, wrong? Oh, no, no,
Miss Blakiston.
From Central
Persia to Siberia.
The dialects sometimes
differ greatly.
For example...
Uh, that's fine,
Miss Blakiston, thank you.
But I haven't finished.
Class dismissed.
"Thus is gained
the ancient threefold power,
"the first part
of which is that
"of the pointing finger,
"known as the power
of the sudden pain. "
The sudden pain.
My goodness.
"The second part
of which is that
"of the uttered name,
"known as the power
"of retarded movement. "
Zotz!
Mercy sakes.
"The third and last part
of which is that of the
"pointing finger and the
uttered name together. "
Well...
Zotz!
The silent death.
"He who holdeth this
sacred disk shall be
"imbued with this dreaded
threefold power
"only so long as it remains
in his possession.
"And should it pass into
the hands of another,
"that other will
hold the power
"for a short time only. "
Hmm.
Zotz!
Good afternoon, Jones.
Oh, hello, Kellgore.
Uh, what have you got there?
It looks like a lizard.
Lizard? Where? Oh, this.
Oh, this lizard. Oh, yes.
Yes, a remarkable
example of saurian life.
Yes, direct descendant
of the dinosaur.
Is that so? I didn't know you were
interested in that sort of thing.
Oh, yes. Yes, indeed.
Fascinating subject.
Mmm. You don't say.
Oh, incidentally, Jones, I suppose you've
met our new colleague, Professor Fenster?
No, I haven't. What's
Professor Fenster's field?
Modern European languages,
or so I'm told.
Why, that's your field.
Yes, it is. One might almost
think they're considering,
what do you call it?
Kicking me upstairs.
Yeah. Or downstairs.
Yes. Well, toodle-oo, Jones.
Have fun with your dinosaur.
Toodle-oo.
Zotz!
Extraordinary!
Zo...
Professor Jones,
are you feeling all right?
Yes, sir,
never better. Yes.
I understand you dismissed
your class early today?
Why, yes, yes. I gave them a
heavy assignment for the weekend.
I thought I'd better let them get
to the library before it closed.
But the library is open
until 8:00 tonight.
8:00? Oh, yes, so it is. Yes. Hard
to keep up with these new rules.
That rule's been in effect
ever since 1918. But no matter.
I'm glad I ran across you.
I want to invite you for cocktails
this evening in my lodgings.
Oh, how nice.
I want you and the other members of
the faculty to meet a new colleague.
Oh, Professor Fenster?
Oh, then you've met?
No, no.
Oh, well, in that case,
may we expect you at 6:00?
Oh, yes, yes, indeed.
Yes, sir.
Excellent. Splendid.
Oh, and, Professor?
Yes, Dean.
Don't work too hard.
Zotz!
Amazing.
Uncle Jonathan.
Better hurry if you're going to
make that cocktail party at 6:00.
Yeah. Would you get me that
package on my bureau, darling?
What's in it?
Oh, just some things I
bought downtown. Thank you.
I won't be here when you
get back, so don't wait up.
You have a date?
Uh-huh. Jimmy.
Jimmy who?
Jimmy Kellgore.
He's not much, but he'll
do till Eddie gets home.
Jimmy Kellgore!
Horatio Kellgore's boy?
Yes. Oh, it's not serious or
anything like that. It's just a date.
Not a date, date.
But Kellgore's son.
Oh, Jimmy's all right. Kind of
a wolf, but I can handle him.
Zotz!
Zotz!
Zotz!
You'd better hurry,
Uncle Jonathan.
All right, I'm coming.
Cynthia, baby. Well,
are you all ready to go?
Anytime you are.
Okay.
Ah, Professor Jones. How nice of
you to come. Will you have a martini?
Oh, no, thank you, sir.
Uh, I don't suppose you
have any sauerkraut juice?
Why, no, I don't think.
Uh, my... Persephone? Yes?
Do we happen to have
any sauerkraut juice?
Sauerkraut juice?
I don't think so.
Oh, perhaps we could get
you a soft drink, Professor?
That would be fine,
Mrs. Updike.
Take Hercules for a
moment, please, Joshua.
And get rid of that pipe. You
know it makes Hercules ill.
There we are.
Thank you, Mrs. Updike.
Get rid of that pipe.
Uh, yes, thanks. Will you take
Hercules? Thank you so much.
Professor, if you
only knew how much
the dean and I admire your
abstinence from strong drink,
your sensible diet,
your devotion to exercise.
As the ancients said,
Mens sana in corpore sano.
Oh, yes, indeed.
I think of you as one of the great
and classic educators of yore.
Plato, Aristotle,
in flowing robes, stately,
sober, dignified.
Roaming the groves of academe,
dispensing wisdom and knowledge.
And now, please come and meet
the new member of our faculty.
Professor Fenster, I'd like you
to meet Professor Jonathan Jones,
ancient Eastern languages.
Glad to meet you,
Professor Jones.
I...
Charmed.
Joshua.
Yes, my dear.
Please take Hercules.
Yes, a pleasure.
There we are. Now
you'll excuse me, please.
Oh, certainly.
Yes. Of course.
By George, that's
a beautiful cat.
Yes, isn't it?
He loves strangers.
Would you like to hold him?
Uh...
Dean?
Let me get this straight.
You are Professor Fenster?
Well, my friends
call me Virginia.
And to think you're
the famous Jonathan Jones.
Oh, well, not so famous.
Not so famous?
Why, everybody in the field is
familiar with your doctorate thesis
on the transmutation of the Latin
"F" to "B" in Teutonic languages.
Well, that was
quite a while ago.
And I simply devoured
your latest book.
Really? The Semantics of
Dionysius of Halicarnassus?
Yes. I could hardly
put it down.
Well. But I thought your field was modern
languages, like Professor Kellgore's.
Oh, well, it is.
Oh.
But I've also studied
ancient Eastern languages.
Like me.
Like you.
I see.
Very interesting. Very.
Uh, tell me, of these two
specialties, Professor Fenster...
Virginia.
Virginia.
Of these two specialties, Virginia,
which will you utilize here?
Well, I wish I knew. The dean told me I
was to prepare myself for either course.
He said he has an
important decision to make.
But really, Professor Jones...
Jonathan.
Jonathan.
Really, I think it's so fascinating to
meet the author of those wonderful books.
You can teach
me so much.
I warn you, you're going
to see a lot of me.
Yes, well, I've already
seen a lot of you, Virginia.
You were going to forget all
about that, remember?
Ah, forgive me.
I stand corrected.
Then those charming translations
of the French fabliau were yours?
Yes. I loved doing them.
I loved reading them.
Been hunting any
dinosaurs lately, Jones?
Not lately.
What on earth did
he mean by that?
I haven't the faintest idea.
What's she hanging around there
for? Oh, what a kook. If...
Quiet.
You wouldn't be afraid to be in that
house alone with old Jim here, would ya?
Jimmy, you promised.
Oh, come on.
Jimmy! Stop it!
Oh, well, you're
safe with me.
That's what you think.
What's the matter?
I don't know.
I'm okay now, though.
Are you sure?
Let's just watch
the movie, huh?
Gladly.
At Harvard, I was
a history major, actually.
Then I narrowed my specialty
to the Asianic cultures.
Under Professor Sandor?
Yes. A wonderful old man.
He stimulated my interest
in ancient languages.
Sanskrit, Hebrew, Astyparaean.
Astyparaean!
That reminds me.
Excuse me for a moment, I must speak
to the dean on an important matter.
Sir?
Oh, hello, my boy. How are you
getting along with Professor Fenster?
Oh, fine, sir.
Splendid.
A most talented young lady.
Yes, she is. But I have something
I want to discuss with you.
Oh? Very well.
Yes, sir. I had to tell
someone. It's so important,
and, well, you're the only
one to whom I could turn.
Then by all means, my boy.
Well, sir, it's
this power I have.
Power?
Yes, sir.
The power to disable,
even to kill.
Kill?
I know it sounds fantastic, and it's going
to be very hard for you to believe, but...
Well, I really don't
know where to begin.
May I make a suggestion?
Please do.
Begin at the beginning, go
on until you come to the end.
Then stop.
No, I think it would be better if
I begin at the end and work back.
In fact, that's why
I brought these along.
I knew I'd have a hard time
convincing you without proof,
so on the way over
I stopped in at a pet shop.
Great Scott,
Jones. Those are mice, aren't they?
Just white mice, sir.
But...
They're absolutely essential
to my demonstration, sir.
What demonstration?
The demonstration
of the power of Zotz.
Zotz?
Yes, sir. Zotz.
And if you will allow me.
Well, I most certainly
will not allow you.
Do you mean to tell me you intend
to let these creatures out here?
Yes, sir.
Have you taken
leave of your senses?
Trust me, sir. Within one split
second after those mice are released,
they will be motionless,
harmless, lifeless.
Zotz! Zotz! Zotz!
Jones!
Ellen Mae,
what a lovely cake.
It's beautiful.
I just can't wait
to taste it.
Zotz!
Zotz! Zotz!
Zotz! Zotz!
Zotz! Zotz!
Zotz! Zotz!
Zotz!
Zotz!
It's all right, dear.
Everything's all right.
Thank you very much.
Zotz, I said! Zotz!
Z-O-T-Z, Zotz!
Jones! Come up.
Why have you done this?
I don't understand.
It worked before.
I simply pointed while
the coin was in my pocket.
What coin?
This one.
The coin that I...
I'm sure I have it.
Oh, no! Cynthia!
She must have taken it.
What about Cynthia?
Why, this is terrible.
She's going out tonight. She
doesn't know the power she possesses.
Jones! I...
Excuse me, sir.
I must stop her.
I demand...
Check.
Cynthia? Cynthia? Cynthia?
Cynthia? Oh.
Hello, Virginia.
Jonathan.
Is something wrong?
Yes, something is
terribly wrong.
Well, what is it?
Can I help?
No, nobody can help. Wait a
minute. Have you got your car?
Yes. Well, what are we
waiting for? Let's go.
Where to?
I don't know.
First Street, I guess.
And keep your eye
peeled for a hot rod
containing a very pretty girl
and the son of Horatio Kellgore.
What is this all about?
Well, there's this little...
You wouldn't believe it.
You wouldn't believe it.
Say, I know a cozy, little
spot where we could...
Just a soda, please.
Just a soda.
Yeah, I get the message.
There they are.
Where do you want to go?
How about the Sip and Dip?
Let's see, the Sip and Dip.
That's north of here, isn't it?
No. It's south.
No, no. No, no, no!
I'm sure the ice cream
parlor is that way.
Okay.
Follow that car!
Cynthia!
Hi, Uncle Jonathan.
What are you doing here?
Cynthia, come home at once.
What?
Come home at once.
Never mind.
Stay right there.
I'll get you.
It's all right, darling.
Come along with me.
But Uncle Jonathan!
No arguments.
Well, we were only going
over to the... Stop!
Excuse me. Don't do that. Why?
Because it's not polite to point. Huh?
Come along, darling. You'd
better let me have this, too.
And after all that, he says,
"It's not polite to point. "
Uh, that's all?
That's all.
What a kook!
Yeah, very interesting. Well,
thank you, my boy. Run along to bed.
Okay. Good night, Dad.
Good night.
Good morning, darling.
Good morning.
Poison. Slow death.
Uncle Jonathan.
Yes.
All that stuff you said
last night about the coin...
What were you drinking
at the dean's party?
Soda pop, of course.
What are you implying?
Well, it's all a little hard
to swallow, you know.
That stuff about ancient magic
and the pointing finger and...
What was that word again?
Never mind.
Uncle Jonathan, have
you been feeling all right?
Of course I have. I'm
in the pink of condition.
Well, then, why do you have an
appointment with the doctor this morning?
Doctor? I have no
appointment with a doctor.
Yes, you do. At 9:00.
Miss Carruthers of the medical staff phoned
to remind you when you were in the shower.
She said the dean
made the appointment.
Really? That's odd.
Ah, it must be the annual physical
checkup. Good idea, actually.
Mens sana in corpore sano,
you know.
What?
Sound mind
in a sound body.
9:00, you said? I'd better
be on my way. Bye, darling.
Bye.
Uh, good morning.
I'm Professor Jones.
Oh, good morning, Professor. You can
go right in. Dr. Kroner's expecting you.
Thank you.
Good morning, Dr. Kroner.
Pleasure to meet you.
I'm Jones,
ancient Eastern languages.
Sit down, Professor.
It's a very sensible
thing, checkups.
As I was saying to my
niece only this morning,
Mens sana in corpore sano.
Quite.
I think you'll find me
in top condition.
Exercise, a sensible diet,
don't drink, don't smoke.
Professor Jones,
I think perhaps...
These are my own.
Every single one.
Hearing, perfect. Vision,
20/20. Blood pressure...
Sir!
... seven. Yes?
Please put your
clothes back on
and then make yourself
comfortable on the couch.
Put my clothes...
Put them back... Oh!
Very well, if you wish. I
simply thought that I... Couch?
Yes. Just lie down and relax.
You mean you're
that kind of a doctor?
Now, don't worry about
a thing, Professor.
The dean sent me to you?
He thinks I'm crazy?
Now, now, now, now. Crazy's an
unfortunate word, don't you agree?
I certainly do! And if you think I'm
going to submit to an examination by a...
Do you always
react so violently?
Violently?
Why, no. Not at all.
In fact, I'm a quiet man.
Studious.
Oh, I see, quiet and studious
sometimes and violent at other times.
Almost like two
different people, hmm?
Now, look here. If you're trying
to say I'm schizophrenic...
Oh. Do you feel that
I'm persecuting you?
No!
It all began when my niece
received a charm bracelet.
Oh, Professor Kellgore.
Professor Fenster.
Do you know where I might find
Professor Jones this morning?
I have a little
translation problem
I'd like to discuss
with him.
Jones? Jones?
No, I haven't seen him since the
cocktail party yesterday evening.
Behaved very
peculiarly, didn't he?
Perhaps I can help.
Well, I'm afraid it's in the field of
ancient languages, Professor Kellgore.
Call me Horatio.
Well, I must run.
Thanks, anyway.
Please continue, Professor.
That's all there is to tell.
Yes.
Now, if I understand
you correctly,
you say that you're actually
able to destroy living creatures
by pointing your
finger at them
and speaking this
word, "Zotz. "
Yes, but only if
the coin is on my person.
Don't you see that all
this is mere delusion?
Delusion? Why, I've
seen it with my own eyes.
A line of people on the sidewalk,
mown down as if by a machine gun.
Hallucination.
It was not hallucination.
And there was the moth
and the cat and the ships
and the squirrel
and the dinosaur.
The dinosaur, Professor?
I mean, the lizard. Just
a little lizard, you know.
Yes. Yes, of course. It was
a baby dinosaur, wasn't it?
Yeah, it was...
No, no, no.
Professor Jones, you're an intelligent
man and I won't try to humor you.
But surely you can understand
that these delusions of yours
are merely a result
of your repressed hostility,
your aggressive feelings
toward society.
I have no aggressive feelings
toward society, Dr. Kroner.
I must confess, at this moment, however,
I have aggressive
feelings toward you.
Well, that's
a perfectly normal reaction.
As a matter of fact,
you're a classic case.
I will not be referred
to as a "classic case!"
Sir, this power of
yours does not exist.
It does exist!
Then show me.
What?
Show me. Convince me.
Demonstrate this
horrible force,
this power you have
over life and death.
Very well. But what shall
I demonstrate it on?
Me.
Oh, I couldn't do that.
Why not? Well, it would cause you pain.
Well, now why should
that concern you?
You've already said that you have
aggressive feelings toward me.
Here's your chance
to unleash them.
Oh, I can't.
Of course you can't. Because
this power is not real.
It is.
It's imaginary.
It's not.
Not what?
Not real. I mean imaginary.
There, you see? You can't distinguish
between reality and imagination.
I'm sorry, Doctor,
but there's no other way.
You put on
a good act, Professor.
Remember, you brought
this on yourself.
Go ahead. Take out
your hostility on me.
It will do you
a world of good.
I was doubled over,
like this.
It was very painful.
Perhaps he hypnotized you.
Well, I know a bit more about
hypnosis than you do, Dean,
and I can assure you
I was not hypnotized.
Then, how do you
explain it?
Very simple.
Appendicitis.
I shall enter the hospital
the first thing in the morning.
No, no.
Of course not, my boy.
It's simply that I think
you need a rest.
Sir, I'm in perfect health.
Go away for a few days.
A week.
Please, sir, if you'd only listen to me.
Go someplace to relax.
Take a trip.
A trip?
Yes.
A trip.
Well, I think you'd better try
Lieutenant Stefanski, sir.
He may be able
to help you.
You don't understand.
I don't want him to help me.
I want to help him.
Yes, sir. But you'd better
see the lieutenant anyway.
You'll find him
in 3C-4L-3-S-19.
Three C...
It's very simple, sir.
You see, this building has
five sides, A, B, C, D and E.
Now 3C means the third
floor of side C. That way.
That way.
The next number tells you
what corridor to take.
Four.
That's right over there.
Over there.
The second three
means the third court,
then, S-19 is the 19th
stanchion on your left.
You can't miss it, sir.
Thank you. What was
that floor again?
Third floor, sir.
Third floor.
You see, Lieutenant Stefanski,
they sent me in to see you, but...
Professor Jones, I'm afraid
the army isn't interested.
There are many such suggestions
that come across my desk every day,
and we are not interested.
Now you listen to me...
Oh, now be reasonable, Henry.
I handled the last one.
That screwball with the steam-operated
machine gun. It's your turn now.
What do you mean,
you've got a stomach ache?
What about Lieutenant Stefanski?
Captain Byron? Major Foulger?
They've all got
stomach aches?
I tell you, it's that lousy
food they serve in the cafeteria.
All right. All right,
send him over.
Yes?
General Bullivar.
Yes.
There's a Professor Jones
who wishes to see you.
I know. I know.
Tell him to wheel it in.
Wheel what in, sir?
A death ray, or whatever it is
he thinks he's invented.
He doesn't have anything with
him, sir. Not even a briefcase.
Oh, one of those
quiet ones, huh?
Well, I guess there's no use
delaying it. Send him in.
Yes, sir.
Professor Jones, sir.
Hello there, how are you?
So you're the fellow that's come all the
way from California just to talk to us.
Yes, sir. I'm delighted
to meet you, Professor.
Thank you, General. Sit down. Sit
down. Make yourself comfortable.
Well,
thank you very much.
Well, did you have
a pleasant trip?
Most pleasant, thanks.
And how are you enjoying
your visit to the capital?
Well, I only arrived
this morning...
Now, take my advice, don't
miss the Lincoln Memorial.
It's a very moving experience. It brings
tears to my eyes every time I see it.
Well, I'm sure it's most
impressive. Have a cigar.
What? No, thank you. Do you
mind if I get right to the point?
Oh, yes, of course. The colonel
mentioned something about a new weapon.
Well, it's not
exactly a weapon.
Oh? Well, what is it?
A gun, a bomb?
Would you be interested
in a method to immobilize,
even destroy, as you choose, every
living thing within range of vision?
Ships, tanks, planes.
How do you intend
to go about this?
Light rays? Sound
vibrations? Black magic?
Yes.
Yes, what?
Black magic. You see,
I'm a human weapon.
Now, look, Professor, I do not have
the time to stand around making jokes.
I'm not joking,
I assure you.
A human weapon!
Are you serious?
I've never been more
serious in my life.
You see...
I see. I see.
You're some sort
of a magician, huh?
What?
Look, I'm afraid they've sent
you to the wrong department.
Now what you want is the Entertainment
Division of Special Services.
I'll make one little phone call
and settle this whole thing for you.
No! Wait! Wait!
Now, get me Colonel...
General! I can prove it.
Never mind.
All right, prove it.
Excuse me.
Look. That airplane up there.
Uh-huh.
Now watch this.
I'm watching.
You see?
Wonderful! Marvelous!
Now watch this.
Uh-huh.
There. And the secret
lies in this ancient coin.
In that coin?
Well, well, well.
And you see,
this makes it possible to...
You know, this is a marvelous little
invention you have here, Professor.
Well, it's not exactly
an invention...
I'll tell you what
I'm going to do.
I'm going to have my
secretary help you fill out
form number W5A16,
in quadruplicate...
But, sir...
This will be filed
and duly considered at the next
meeting of the Chiefs of Staff.
How long before
I hear from you?
Well, the next meeting is
sometime in December.
December!
Yes, yes.
Of course, anything
suggested at that meeting
will have to be forwarded
onto higher echelons.
But this power of mine
is immediate...
Well, of course, I believe that
if you leave your name and address,
you can expect to receive some
sort of communication from us
after the first of the year.
What sort of communication?
Well, now...
General, don't you think the
state of world conditions today
demands that you
take immediate...
I think that you're
absolutely right,
and we are wasting time
standing here talking about it.
Yes, we are.
I'm glad that we
see eye to eye.
And I will start the wheels
in motion right now.
Corporal, I want you
to drop everything
and help Professor Jones
here fill out form W5A16.
Thank you, Professor.
No, sir, but, General...
Please sit down, Professor.
This may take a while.
Well, thanks,
but don't bother.
But what about form W5A16?
You tell the general
that he can...
Oh, never mind.
I beg your pardon.
Don't I know you?
No, I don't believe so.
My name is Hugh Fundy.
What is that, may I ask?
This? This is a death ray.
Oh. Well, good luck.
Uncle Jonathan, I didn't
expect you home tonight.
Well, I decided
to cut my trip short.
Hey, you're all
dressed up. How come?
For the farewell dinner
for the dean, you remember.
Gee, it's nice you
returned in time for it.
Yeah, I'd better change.
I won't be five minutes.
Well, I'll meet you
at the country club.
Can't you wait
while I change?
Well, gee, Uncle Jonathan, I expected
you to be out of town tonight,
and I told Jimmy
I'd go with him. And there he is.
Bye, see you at the club. There's
sauerkraut juice in the fridge.
I'm coming!
Virginia!
Hello.
Oh, hello, Virginia?
Jonathan.
Oh, Jonathan, you're back. So soon?
Yeah, I got homesick,
I guess.
Say, the reason
I'm calling, I...
I thought I might escort you
to the farewell dinner tonight.
Well, I'm awfully sorry, but I
was sure you'd be away and I...
Well, I accepted an
invitation to go with Horatio.
Horatio. Kellgore?
Well, yes. You see...
Oh, I'm sorry. Now,
please try to understand.
Oh, I understand.
I understand perfectly.
Oh, Jonathan.
Bye.
Well, here we are.
Dean Updike, of course,
and Mrs. Updike,
Professor Adams,
the principal
and, Virginia,
I want you to sit there,
and of course, I shall occupy
the speaker's chair.
Is everything satisfactory,
Professor Kellgore?
Oh, yes.
Yes, it seems to be.
Of course, this is a very
special occasion, you understand.
I want everything exactly right. I've
made myself personally responsible.
Of course.
Perhaps I may have the waiter bring
you a cocktail before the others arrive?
No, no. It might
relax me too much.
Have to make
a speech right after dinner.
Yes.
Good evening.
Hello. Hi, Dad. Hello,
Professor Fenster.
Hello, Jimmy.
Hello, Cynthia.
Just in time, James.
Good evening, Cynthia.
I'm so sorry your uncle won't
be able to make it tonight.
Better check the wine.
Oh, but he's back.
I told him to meet us here.
I know, dear, but when I talked
to him on the phone just now,
he said he was too exhausted from
his trip, that he wouldn't come.
Virginia, would you
check the guest list?
It's a good thing,
if you ask me.
What do you mean?
Well, we all want everything to be nice
for the dean's farewell dinner, don't we?
Are you implying
that my Uncle Jonathan...
Look, don't get bent out
of shape. Your uncle's okay.
I guess. But everybody knows
he's a little bit kooks.
Kooks!
Yeah.
Well, like that night he chased
us in Professor Fenster's car.
And, well, you heard about
those mice, didn't you?
Jimmy Kellgore, if you...
Oh, forget it.
Let's sit down, huh?
James?
Yeah, Dad?
Would you come here?
Excuse me.
Yeah, Dad?
Now, James, I want to caution you
about the way you behave tonight.
No raucousness or
ungentlemanly behavior.
Oh, sure, Dad.
This is a very important
evening, you understand.
The dean still hasn't
named a successor,
and his decision could stand or fall on
the impression that I create at the dinner.
Understand?
I dig.
Don't... Speak English.
Oh, dear.
Good evening, my dear Dean.
Professor.
Good evening... Oh!
Mrs. Updike. May I say that you
look dangerously lovely this evening?
Professor Kellgore, you
say the most awful things.
It was very nice of you
to preside tonight, Kellgore.
Well, when I heard that
Professor Jones would be absent,
I felt that someone
had to take things in hand.
Yes, quite so.
Poor Jones.
Excellent man, really, but... I'm
sorry, my dear, I didn't mean to...
That's all right, sir.
Shall we sit down? The others
should be along presently.
Dean, the chair of honor,
of course. There you are.
Get out of the way,
will you?
Mrs. Updike, would you grace
our table with your radiance?
Charmed.
"When in disgrace with
fortune and men's eyes
"I all alone beweep
my outcast state. "
Here's how.
"And trouble deaf heaven
with my bootless cries,
"and look upon myself,
and curse my fate. "
Oh...
And speaking of our beloved dean's
regretted departure from our midst,
I would like to borrow an aphorism from
the works of the great La Rochefoucauld.
The...
Hello, everybody. Sorry I'm late.
Accept my apologies, Horatio.
Yes, yes. It's good to see
you, Jones. Most unexpected.
Did you have a nice trip?
Fantastic.
I hope you didn't miss the Lincoln
Memorial, a very moving experience.
Brings tears to my eyes
every time I see it.
Yeah, well, if you don't
mind, just sit down, please.
Yes.
Traitor.
Jonathan, you...
Don't bother to explain.
My dear friends...
Friends?
My dear and true friends,
although I usually abstain
from intoxicating spirits,
I would on this occasion
like to indulge
in sort of a token sip of
this ceremonial champagne.
It is indeed fitting
that I propose a toast
to our beloved dean.
And put into words the
true feelings in my heart...
Zotz!
Your knowledge
has been a guiding hand
for all these many years,
building towards dedication
to something recognized
the whole world over
in the tremendous force
of the noble language.
And so on this
emotional occasion...
It's disgraceful. The man's making
a drunken exhibition of himself.
I know, my dear,
but what can I do?
Assert yourself.
...hold this party
in recognition...
Yes, yes, Kellgore.
Very nice indeed of you.
Thank you.
But I haven't finished yet.
Thank you, Kellgore.
That will be all.
I'm sure what my colleague,
Professor Kellgore, means to say
is something which all of
us feel in our hearts,
but find very
difficult to express.
Simply ave atque vale.
Hail and farewell.
Hail and farewell.
Hail and farewell.
Hail.
Thank you, Jonathan.
Thank you very much.
It's good to have
you among us again.
And now, for heaven's sake,
let's enjoy ourselves.
Professor Jones?
Yes, I'm Jones.
A gentleman to see you, sir,
just inside the main entrance.
To see me?
Yes, sir.
Oh, very well. Excuse me.
Who is kooks now?
Here, sir.
Thank you.
Professor Jones?
Yes.
Jonathan Jones?
That's right.
Well, I'm sure glad I
was able to find you so quickly.
My name is Bates,
Josh Bates.
What can I do for you,
Mr. Bates?
Well, it's more a question
of what we can do for you.
I'm with the government,
Professor.
Ah...
And I've been sent to bring
you back to Washington.
I see. Well, perhaps first
thing tomorrow morning.
No, sir. Now.
Now?
Yes, sir. Nobody knows better than
yourself, sir, how important this matter is.
Yes, but I...
And how timely.
Well, that's true.
However, my friends
and family in there...
And how secret, Professor.
Why, if you were to tell them that you
were flying back to Washington tonight,
word might leak out.
You have a point, Mr. Bates.
Still, if I could just have a
few seconds with my niece, I...
There isn't time, Professor.
Please, sir.
The plane is waiting.
Well, you can phone
your niece later.
All right, Mr. Bates.
Let's go.
Very powerful plane.
Only the best
for you, Professor.
Yes, very interesting.
I don't know what happened, but I
had a feeling like I was floating.
Cynthia, where's your uncle?
I don't know.
I must get a checkup, you
know. I'm sick, I think. Really.
Excuse me.
Where are you going,
Professor?
Mr. Bates.
Yes?
You are, you said,
with the government?
That's right, Professor.
What government?
You will learn the answer
to that question very soon.
I was afraid of that.
Oh, you need be afraid
of nothing, Professor.
You are to be
our honored guest.
But not in Washington?
Not, as you say,
in Washington.
But this is preposterous! Why
are your people interested in me?
Something about
an ancient coin.
What coin?
The one with the secrets.
What secrets?
I neither
know nor care.
Atomic secrets, I suppose,
hidden inside it,
or something of that nature.
I will relieve you
of that object.
You will not
do that again.
Oh, no? Why won't I?
Because we have taken
certain precautions.
What kind of precautions?
I will tell you.
I see.
That's right, Professor.
If anything happens to me,
or to this plane,
my comrade, Igor,
has orders...
I understand.
That is good.
When we reach
our destination,
you will reveal to us
the secrets of this coin.
Until that time,
I will take charge of it.
What?
The coin!
Oh. Oh, yes, the coin.
Give it to me.
You don't think I carry a thing
like that around with me, do you?
What?
It's in a hiding place
back in Saracen Valley.
Back in...
You'll have to turn
the plane around.
Why, I don't know
if we can...
It will be dangerous
for us to return.
Dangerous for your niece
and Professor Fenster,
since we are expected at our
destination at a specified time,
and if we do not arrive, certain
instructions will be radioed to Igor.
Therefore, I assume that you
will allow me to search you
in order to make absolutely
sure that a return is necessary.
You're right.
The coin is not on you.
Now, then, where is
this coin? At your home?
No.
Then, where?
First, you must
take me to the place
where my niece and Virginia
Fenster are being held prisoner.
Before I give you anything, I
must make sure they're unharmed.
Capitalist pig! It is I who
make the bargains here, not you.
Now, remember this, Bates,
or whatever your name is.
If those two ladies are hurt, you'll
have no threat to hold over my head.
And you will no longer be able to
force me to co-operate with you.
Now, where are they?
The cellar of an office
building in your city.
What building?
The Consolidated Building.
Then I suggest you instruct
your friend to step on the gas.
Oh, and one more
thing, Mr. Bates.
Yes?
I hope you realize that if
we don't get there in time,
and your friend receives his radio
orders to harm those two ladies,
there will be absolutely nothing to
prevent my using that secret weapon
on you again,
do you understand?
I understand.
No! No!
Cynthia. Virginia. Are
you all right? Thank God.
Well, Professor, are you satisfied
that the ladies are unharmed?
We will go now
and get that coin.
Yes, I am satisfied
the ladies are unharmed.
And it is now my pleasure to inform you
that you are completely within my power.
What?
I withheld that power only
to save them. The hands.
But now...
Something about the hands.
Igor!
Let me...
Ow!
I don't know what this secret weapon
of yours is, or how you operate it.
I suppose it's some mechanism
concealed in your clothes,
but I did observe that in order to
activate it, you had to raise your arms.
And unless I'm gravely mistaken,
I have now rendered you powerless.
It's no use, Professor,
that tape is very strong.
Now, shall we go
and get that coin?
All right. You win.
Very sensible.
After you, sir.
May I say goodbye
to my niece?
I'm a civilized man.
Of course you may.
Thank you.
Uncle Jonathan.
Listen, if you and Virginia
make a run for it, they won't follow.
They're more interested in me. Get to
the police and bring them back here.
But...
Do as I say.
All right, Jones.
That's enough.
You and I will go
for the coin.
Igor will remain here with
the ladies in the event that...
Run! Hurry! Run!
Don't you want that coin?
I've got it! It's in my pocket.
I've had it all the time.
You're lying.
Am I?
I've searched you.
Not well enough.
Well, if you really have it,
throw it to me.
With my hands like this? Uh-uh.
If you want it, come and get it.
Zotz!
Jones, I warn you.
I want that coin!
You'll have to take it!
May I remind you that
you are now powerless?
Jones, I want that coin.
I'll give you till
the count of three.
One...
Bates, listen.
No discussions, please.
Just the coin. Two...
I... I...
Three!
Zotz!
Amazing phenomenon,
Bates, isn't it?
Zotz!
Take your time, Igor.
Just take your time.
Wouldn't you know it?
Not a cop in sight.
Stop this silly game,
Professor.
Give me the coin
and no harm will come...
No!
Professor,
don't be ridiculous!
You'll fall.
Don't worry about me.
Zotz!
Stop! Stop, I say!
Zotz!
That's it.
Zotz!
It's no use. You are
powerless without that coin!
Bates, I warn you.
The slightest
noise or vibration...
What are your plans now,
Professor Zotz?
The name is Jones, young
man. Jonathan Jones.
And my plans are to return to Saracen
Valley College on the next plane
and begin my duties as
the new dean of languages.
General Bullivar, do you think
the coin will be recovered?
Well, it's hard to say.
It might have floated all the way out
into the Pacific. Needle in a haystack.
However, we're using maximum effort,
radar, sonar, loren, submarines...
The newest type
of magnetic devices.
Oh, modern science
is a wonderful thing.
My personal opinion is that
we stand an even chance
of regaining the coin
for the good of humanity.
What do you think, Professor?
Well, I agree
with the general.
I think the chances are excellent
that the coin will be found.
Bye, General. Thanks
again for your hospitality.
Thank you for overlooking the unfortunate
circumstances of our first meeting.
That's a private
joke, gentlemen.
Our congratulations again. I know that
you two are going to be very happy.
Goodbye, sir.
Come, Mrs. Jones.
We have time for just one short
visit before we catch the plane.
Visit? With whom?
Someone that we both
should meet, I think.
Goodbye, sir.
Goodbye.
Gentlemen.
Goodbye, General.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
For once, Horatio Kellgore
and I see eye to eye.
Zotz all!